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2020-01-25
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he's a killer queen, sunflower, guillotine

Summary:

He has to be the weirdest Hufflepuff Harry’s ever seen.
Scratch that, he’s the weirdest Hufflepuff Hogwarts has ever seen.

(One thing everyone could agree on: NEVER call Edward Elric short.)

Notes:

title is a play on lyrics from "killer queen" by Her Majesty, Queen.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: what do you know about edward elric?

Notes:

i was on a FMA fanfic binge and then i just needed more ed stuck at hogwarts. i'm a big fan of crossovers apparently.

also i'm a hufflepuff and i wanted this l o l

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

He has to be the weirdest Hufflepuff Harry’s ever seen.

Scratch that, he’s the weirdest Hufflepuff Hogwarts has ever seen.

* * * * *

He is the first person Harry’s heard of transferring into Hogwarts, rather than enrolling in and attending from first year.

Hermione rattled off an incredibly short but detailed list of other transfers she had read about in Hogwarts, A History during the Sorting last year when Dumbledore had introduced the young man that would be joining as a third year after previously being homeschooled. There had been almost as many whispered comments as when Harry’s name had been called two years earlier when the rest of the school had gotten a first look at the new kid.

An apathetic boy had sat in front of the hall as the Sorting Hat was lowered onto his head.

The hat had mumbled to the boy, who went from bored to scowling and furious in seconds. The Great Hall had watched as he adopted a disgusted expression that suggested he was arguing mentally with the hat, who seemed amused more than anything.

It was one of the longer Sortings Harry had seen and by far, the one with the most entertaining results.

“HUFFLEPUFF!” The hat shouted. The house had begun to cheer, pleased to welcome newcomers as always, until the boy had yanked off the hat, clenched it tightly in his fist, and loudly threatened “to rearrange you into troll underwear if you ever pull that shit again!”

It was rare for the Great Hall to be silent when it was filled to the brim with students, but after his declaration, the only sound heard was the muttered foreign language that spilled from the boy’s mouth. The Hufflepuffs gave a weak round of applause as the boy stomped over to their table and dropped unhappily onto the bench.

“Maybe the hat’s starting to lose it,” Ron had whispered, “I’ve never heard of a Hufflepuff with an attitude problem.”

* * * * *

Attitude isn’t the right word to describe how temperamental the new kid is.

No one has seen him smile or laugh; his expression is either blank or twisted into a scowl.

He’s gruff on a good day, and downright murderous on a bad one, and his heavy footsteps are like warnings to other students to get out of the way as fast as possible, lest they suffer his frighteningly short temper. He shouts and yells and threatens without a second thought.

One time, he punched Malfoy in the face.

 

It was awesome.

* * * * *

He doesn’t fit in with his house at all.

People had speculated he had been sorted wrong from the get-go, due to “the Sorting Incident”.

Their suspicions were confirmed when on the first day of classes, he correctly answered each of Snape’s antagonistic and impossible questions in potions and performed a jaw-dropping display of charms knowledge in front of Flitwick when asked.

No one would have figured the new kid for a bookworm, but it seemed infinitely more likely that he was a Ravenclaw than a Hufflepuff, given his demeanor.

Every assignment he turned in received a perfect score, despite being “some of the worst penmanship I’ve ever had the displeasure of grading” (Severus Snape).

He spent every waking moment in the library and was the only student who had anything resembling a friendship with Madam Pince.

He answered any and all questions promptly and perfectly, regardless of subject matter or year level.

He had read more books than Hermione.

He made her and all of the Ravenclaws want to tear their hair out.

 

The only class he didn’t excel in was transfiguration.

In fact, he didn’t even bother with it.

No one knew why, but during his first lesson with McGonagall, he had politely but firmly refused to participate before she could even tell the class the curriculum for the rest of term.

When she had inquired as to his reason for his inability to perform transfiguration, he looked at her calmly, said in his unidentified foreign tongue, “Equivalent exchange,” and walked out of the classroom.

To this day, no one could figure out what language he spoke and no one knew what he had uttered before leaving McGonagall’s classroom.

(He had a standing appointment on Wednesday evenings to serve detentions with her for the rest of the year.)

 

Not only is he incredibly intelligent and relentlessly studious, the Hufflepuff is terrifically calculating. He knew exactly who and how to manipulate to get what he wanted: case-in-point, his not-quite-a-friendship friendship with Madam Pince.

He is also somehow the only person who managed to not incur the wrath of Madam Pomfrey when he would slip out of the infirmary earlier than allowed.

Somehow, it seemed like the boy ended up there almost as often as Harry himself, yet almost no one had ever seen him while he was in there – Madam Pomfrey always set up privacy curtains around the Hufflepuff’s bed in the corner.

The one time a fifth-year Gryffindor caught the Hufflepuff speaking to Madam Pomfrey in a low voice with his head ducked, they reported back that whatever he had said had left Madam Pomfrey looking pale and exhausted, before she allowed him to leave her infirmary far earlier than normal.

“He gets away with murder!” George had exclaimed then. “Have you seen him sweet talk Madam Pince?! I swear she blushed!”

“And now Madam Pomfrey too!” Fred joined in. "What kind of sob-story did he come up with?!"

“How does he do it!” George shouted.

“We have got –,” Fred started.

“To learn from him!” George finished.

 

He is courageous, too – there was no denying that.

He took no shit from anyone and was quick to stand up for others without hesitation.

In Care of Magical Creatures, in the moment between Malfoy insulting Buckbeak and Buckbeak attacking Malfoy, the Hufflepuff had tackled him out of the way of harm, despite everyone knowing he despised the other boy. In the ten minutes it took for Hagrid to calm Buckbeak down, the Hufflepuff had defended and protected Malfoy at the cost of his own safety: he had been covered with several deep scratches and was bleeding profusely from his head.

And the first thing he had said after the whole ordeal was an irritated “you okay?” to a shocked Malfoy. After Malfoy had nodded dumbly, the Hufflepuff proceeded to tear into the Slytherin, yelling at the top of his voice, “GOOD, BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO MURDER YOUR DUMB ASS!”

Everyone present for the entire fiasco couldn’t believe it. Who in their right mind would risk their life for Malfoy of all people?

* * * * *

He has almost no acquaintances from his own house, as his personality had frightened off the prospect of friends within the first week of school (not just among Hufflepuffs, but all of the Hogwarts houses). The one exception is Cedric Diggory, who is the only Hufflepuff who wasn’t afraid to approach his prickly housemate and start a conversation. But Diggory hardly counted as a friend.

 

It seemed his most frequent companions were Fred and George Weasley.

Most were alarmed upon discovering how fond the Weasley twins are of the new Hufflepuff. They had somehow decided that there were few Hogwarts students as interesting and unpredictable as the new kid. As such, they decided to relentlessly seek him out and pursue a friendship with him (regardless of how terrifying his temper could be and completely against his will, if the original shouting and insults accompanying their approach were to be taken seriously) and somehow, they succeeded: by Halloween, when the Hufflepuff wasn’t immersed in a book, he could be spotted in the company of Fred and George, as well as Lee Jordan on occasion.

When the Golden Trio had asked what the Hufflepuff had done to intrigue them, the twins had exchanged a look, smirked, and George replied with a shrug, “He’s pretty good with his hands.”

Fred chimed in: “I was more occupied with his mouth.”

Ron had turned a dark crimson up to his ears, while Hermione hid her face in her hands and Harry could do nothing more than gape at the redheads as they trotted away with a carefree wave of their hands.

 

Other than his bizarre relationship with the twins, the Hufflepuff also shared a friendship with Neville Longbottom that earned a lot of looks. At first, the third-year Gryffindors were worried that Neville was being bullied by the intimidating teenager, but those concerns were dispelled when a bemused Ron reported walking in on the pair having a heated conversation about herbology. Harry didn’t even know that Neville could get heated about anything, but apparently, Neville had glared at the terrifying boy and stabbed a finger at his chest over a discussion on the properties of deadly nightshade.

Harry and co. had wanted to question (namely, interrogate) Neville about his growing friendship with the Hufflepuff, but felt it was rude to do so when Neville was becoming more confident and sure of himself and less nervous under the Hufflepuff’s guidance. It certainly also helped that the Hufflepuff began pairing up with Neville during potions, which prevented Snape from stressing Neville out to the point of tears.

 

There was also Blaise Zabini, who got on rather well with the Hufflepuff. No one really knew when the two began associating with one another, but it made even Dumbledore raise an eyebrow. They were constantly bickering, but both Zabini and the Hufflepuff seemed to enjoy it. It was as if they were an old married couple that could only show affection through insults.

Of course, there were rumors about why a Hufflepuff was associating with a Slythern, and even more so when the Hufflepuff in question was most likely a Muggle-born, or at the very least Muggle-raised. There was many a snide comment suggesting the exact nature of the Hufflepuff’s relationship with Zabini, often coming from the mouth of Draco Malfoy, but those quickly fell out of circulation following the day the Hufflepuff had decked the boy.

 

Perhaps what was most telling about the Hufflepuff was the fiercely protective nature that he demonstrated in regard to one Luna Lovegood. Prior to his appearance at Hogwarts, the majority of the student body had agreed that Loony Lovegood was unrivaled in weirdness and many more took to antagonizing her in minor (and sometimes major) ways.

However, one morning in the Great Hall, roughly two weeks into the year and just prior to the mail coming in, the boy had stood up from his spot at the Hufflepuff table and stomped over to where Luna was avoiding bits of food being tossed at her hair. He had sat down next to her, glared at the girls who suddenly pretended they hadn’t been throwing bacon a few moments prior, and spat out: “Problem?”

From that day onward, Luna no longer lost her shoes and books and other knick-knacks, and she no longer ate meals alone, as the boy made himself permanently comfortable at the Ravenclaw table (and the Hufflepuffs breathed a sigh of relief).

* * * * *

Then there was the matter of his appearance.

He’s the only person who blatantly disregards the uniform. Sure, some students might not wear their robes properly or their ties might hang a tad too loose (or be absent altogether), but the Hufflepuff wears black leather pants tucked into thick-soled combat boots and he’s ditched the traditional white collared shirt and sweater for what looks like a high-necked black shirt underneath a heavy-duty black chore jacket. Despite being entirely covered, his unconventional Muggle outfit certainly did him favors with the student population, though, if their appreciative stares were anything to go off of.

(Harry’s not sure if the Hufflepuff even owns a tie or a set of robes – he’s never seen the other boy wear either and he’s watched him receive detention from every single professor at some point in time, even from those he doesn’t even have class with. Harry’s assuming the professors have given up, because the boy still wears leather and he no longer gets detention. At least, not for his attire.)

The Hufflepuff has straw-yellow hair, that fell to the middle of his back when he first arrived, but now, one year later, reaches his rather spectacular ass. His hair is always braided, but his face is framed by some loose strands, which often make it difficult to discern his expression.

The strangest part of his whole ensemble is the pair of perfectly white gloves that no one, not even his dorm mates, has seen him without. In the beginning, Fred and George spread a rumor that the Hufflepuff had been cursed so that anything and anyone he touched turned into gold. Only the first-years had believed it; everyone else had rolled their eyes at the twins’ antics and Hermione had grumbled about the lack of cultural exchange that occurred in wizarding education (King Midas, anyone?).

However, after he had knocked Malfoy unconscious with a left hook, rumors started amongst the Muggle-born students that every inch of his body was covered in gang tattoos and that his knuckles were so scarred from all of the beatings he had given in the past that he had no choice but to wear the gloves. Such rumors only grew worse when a Ravenclaw girl gossiped about the Hufflepuff’s habit of constantly flexing and clenching his right hand into a fist, usually under the table, and his dorm mates mentioned they’d never seen the boy show any skin.

(With each new tidbit of information, there had been a considerable increase in the number of pureblooded students who had inquired as to what a “gang” exactly was.)

When Ron had whispered the outrageous rumors to Hermione and Harry with his eyes as wide as Galleons, Hermione had snorted so hard on her pumpkin juice that she choked and Harry had to thump her on the back before she could breathe again.

* * * * *

One thing everyone could agree on: NEVER call Edward Elric short.

Notes:

hope you liked it! :-)

my harry potter knowledge is REAL shaky, haven't read the books in a long time, so sorry in advance for any inaccuracies (i'm doing my best to look up information as i go)

anyways, this chapter was written as a set-up/prologue to more of ed's shenanigans at hogwarts!