Chapter Text
“A toast to the Queen’s University Faculty of Medicine, class of 2026! May the next four years allow you to become our best and brightest” The emcee spoke passionately, raising his glass to the grinning guests filling up the hall. Quickly, the room erupted into cheers and excitement. Jackie looked around the room, surveying the faces of her soon-to-be classmates, professors, and advisors. Her mother had insisted that she attend the first year mixer, despite her protests. She already would be attending all of the orientations and was not one for lavish, self-congratulatory events. A gala celebrating her future accomplishments seemed so masturbatory to Jackie. As far as she was concerned, the most difficult part of the journey so far was just about to begin. She clapped and cheered along with her peers, but couldn't shake the anxious pit that sat in her stomach when she thought about the future. Although, that anxious pit was almost always present.
It wasn’t as though she wasn’t excited to be attending medical school at Queens. On the contrary, it had been what she had been working for as long as she could remember. Getting into her first choice school on her first round of applications was the cherry on top of her finishing top of her class when she completed her Bachelor's degree in Biology. But that just meant the real work was about to get started. Jackie was a perfectionist and was prepared for the next four years to take a toll on her. She was also expecting the demands of her perfectionist mother to take a similar toll on her. Celebrating how much work and strain was ahead of her seemed useless, especially in the form of a black-tie mixer.
“Jacqueline,” her father had said when she protested going to the mixer. “What’s the harm in going? At least meet some professors and make a few friends in your program. You know, a major part of any career is networking. Who you know is often as important as what you know!”
So, regardless of how she felt about the whole charade, Jackie was clapping along with the emcee of the event. She offered a wide smile to the students that were also assigned to sit at her table. The group were all very friendly and polite, but Jackie didn’t see herself making friends with anyone there. As they began a conversation about their desired specialties, Jackie excused herself to the washroom. Everything felt very overwhelming, as the young introvert would have rather celebrated quietly with a few of her friends, instead of engaging in the spectacle. Upon entering the washroom, she took her lipstick out of her clutch, touching it up in the mirror. She played with her dark curls that were styled in a way that framed her face. At least she knew she looked nice, she thought to herself as she smoothed out the black dress she wore. It was simple, floor-length, sweetheart neckline, and hugged her curves - but only slightly as the dress still needed her mother’s approval. Jackie continued to fiddle with her hair and dress, not looking away from her own reflection when she heard the bathroom door creak open.
“Hot in there, eh?” The woman said with a nod in Jackie’s direction.
“Mmm,” Jackie agreed, turning her head to see who was talking. She met the eyes of a blonde woman wearing a floor-length, soft, fitted lilac dress with a slit so far up the left side that it made Jackie anxious for the girl. She offered Jackie a smile before taking up residence in the mirror beside her. The girl held a clutch that was completely covered in silver sequins, taking out a pale pink lipstick.
“It’s a lot,” the girl said. Jackie wasn’t sure if she was speaking to her, or just speaking in general.
“Yeah,” Jackie agreed. The girl turned and smiled.
“I mean, I know the point of this is to make friends, but I feel like everyone is being so disingenuous. Like, why is everyone greeting me by telling me their name and what school they came from? I super don’t care! We all made it here, regardless.” Jackie laughed when the girl spoke. It was beginning to seem like she may have found a kindred, cynical spirit.
“Imagine in everyday life if people greeted you like that?” Jackie finally contributed to the conversation.
“This is why I hate med students,” the girl laughed.
"Are you a med student?"
"Of course. The self-loathing runs deep," the girl tossed her hair and offered Jackie a warm smile.
“I think that's part and parcel of studying medicine," Jackie nodded. "We are so smart that we want to show off, but we hate anyone else doing the same thing."
"See? Exactly! That's me to a tee! I'm Janice Mantione, McMaster University," she said with a faux-stuffy and self-important voice. "But really, I'm just Jan."
“Jacqueline Cox, Queen's University, but definitely call me Jackie,” Jackie said, reaching over to shake hands with the girl. Jan had extremely soft hands that warmed Jackie’s cold hands up slightly.
“Well, Jackie,” Janice began. “What do you say we go out there and you can tell me a bit about yourself over a vodka soda. My treat.”
“It’s an open bar,” Jackie said drily.
“Exactly. I’ll buy you as many drinks as you’d like,” Jan said with a snort.
**
The next morning, Jackie could feel as she started to wake up that she was going to be profoundly hungover. There was a distinct, throbbing pain behind both of her temples. Her mouth felt dry. It was extremely effortful for her to move or open her eyes, so Jackie elected to do neither for a few seconds. She groaned as she reached out to her left, expecting to find her bedside table, her glasses, and her phone. Instead, she felt flesh. There was someone beside her. Jackie jumped up, looking around the room that she now realized was not her own.
“Hey sleepyhead,” Jan said. She was already sitting up in bed, playing on her phone. Jackie quickly scanned around the unfamiliar room. The walls were a soft blue and the curtains were an ivory colour that matched the bedding she was laying on. The furniture was a light wood and the air smelled like clean laundry and soft cotton. Everything was inviting, but Jackie felt her body switching into fight or flight mode.
Memories of the night started to flood Jackie’s brain. Mentally, she had left the soft room and had entered the night previous. Her mind wandered back to the seemingly endless shots, pinning Jan against the wall in the entrance of her apartment, and the passionate kisses the two shared. Jackie’s head began to spin when she remembered the way Jan gasped when Jackie decisively unzipped the beautiful dress Jan had been wearing. Jackie could still taste Jan on her tongue, she could still feel her fingers tugging hard on soft, blonde hair while Jan was between her thighs, and she still could hear Jan crying out while Jackie was inside her. Everything was replaying in a jumbled, confusing scene in Jackie’s aching head. She slept with a stranger. A girl stranger.
“What the fuck,” Jackie groaned as she sat up quickly, moving to exit the bed.
“Good morning to you too,” Jan laughed.
“Fuck,” Jackie said, rubbing her cold hands against her temples. “Where’s your washroom?”
“Down the hall,” Jan said as she cocked her head toward her door. “I do have roommates though, so if you want to borrow my robe, it’s hanging on my door there.”
“W-” Jackie hadn’t realized until Jan had pointed it out that she was only wearing the panties she had worn the night before. Her eyes bulged as she lunged for the robe, covering her breasts awkwardly. Jan quietly laughed, reminding Jackie that she was already familiar with those as Jackie’s face grew to be as red as possible. She wanted nothing more than to disappear.
“You don’t do this often?” Jan inquired.
“First time,” Jackie muttered as she grabbed her phone off what she assumed was Jan’s vanity. She wandered down the hall until she found the washroom. Closing the door as quietly as possible, she sat down on the edge of the tub, dialling the number phone number of her best friend.
“Bonjour Jacqueline!” Her friend Nicky said happily into the phone. Her French accent sounded so lovely when she said Jackie’s full name, so she was one of the few people besides Jackie’s mother who was allowed to call her by it. “How was the mixer? Must have not been that fun if you’re calling me this early. Although, maybe it was fun since you didn't answer my texts all night! Did you end up staying at your parents' house?”
“I think…. I might have slept with someone,” Jackie said tentatively.
“What?! Are you serious? What do you mean you think?” Nicky asked, incredulously. She had known and been best friends with Jackie for the duration of their undergraduate degrees, eventually becoming her roommate when their respective degrees were finished. But she had never known Jackie to sleep with random people. In fact, Nicky had not known Jackie to have sex very often, at all. It was something their small friend group liked to tease her about.
“Well,” Jackie said quietly into the phone. “I am in a bed that isn’t mine, in an apartment that isn’t mine, and I had to borrow a robe because apparently I slept naked.”
“You dirty girl I’m so proud!” Nicky gushed.
“I’m in her bathroom right now. I don’t even-”
“Her?” Nicky asked, sounding tentative and surprised.
“Yep,” Jackie said.
“Sacrebleu Jacqueline, what does that mean?” Nicky asked softly. Jackie knew that none of her friends would be judgemental, but she was judging herself. Nothing about the situation was sitting easily with Jackie.
“This was a huge mistake, Nicky. This is not something I need to deal with right now! I am starting med school in a few days.” Jackie whined into the phone. “This was not the time to start doing this kind of thing! I really need to focus.”
“Who is she?”
“Her name is Jan… Janice something. I can’t remember.” Jackie cringed.
“Jacqueline!” Nicky gasped.
“What do I do?”
“Is she cute?” Nicky asked, innocently.
“Stunning. But, not the point right now!” Jackie exclaimed emphatically, but still quietly, in case there was a chance that she would wake whatever roommates Jan had referenced. “She’s in my program, Nicky. Like, we met at the mixer. This is very bad.”
“You fucked a hot doctor girl? That’s very sexy.” Nicky giggled, trying to help Jackie look on the bright side.
“Nicky! Focus, please. This is my first one night stand and it was an extremely bad decision. This is your area of expertise and I need your help right now. She is awake and we kind of spoke. Not really. I think she’s a morning person. She was so fucking pleasant. And either this wasn’t her first one night stand or she’s slept with women before because she was very calm about the whole thing!”
“Just tell her you had a great time and that you’ll call her later,” Nicky said.
“I’m not going to call her,” Jackie yelped.
“Well don’t just announce that!” Nicky said emphatically. “Just say you’ve got to go.”
“I don’t even know where I am!” Jackie was starting to breathe heavily and anxiously. It hadn’t occurred to her just how out of control of the situation she was. The unfamiliar territory was difficult enough for her to navigate, let alone that geographically she was as lost as she was mentally.
“Breathe,” Nicky said calmly. “You said you were taking a cab last night, yes?”
“Yes!” Jackie said, remembering more specific pieces of the night. “We took a cab here. From the mixer I mean."
“Send me your location, girl. I’ll come to pick you up.” Nicky said.
“You’re a lifesaver,” Jackie groaned as she rubbed her temples.
“You’ve done it for me a million times,” Nicky laughed. “I just never thought I’d be able to return the favour. I just hope you know I’m calling Gigi from the car. She won’t even believe this. I won’t tell her it was a girl, I wouldn’t out you like that. But I will most definitely be letting everyone know that you’re not our dear, sweet, prudish baby anymore!”
“I thought as much. Thanks, Nicky.” Jackie hung up the phone and looked at herself in the mirror. Her luscious curls from the night before had been tied back into a ponytail at some point. Her eyes were covered in makeup that she had apparently neglected to remove before she fell asleep. She noticed two dark hickeys on her chest as she inspected the skin that was left exposed by the borrowed robe. Her friends would never let her hear the end of this. Jackie eventually walked back to Jan’s bedroom. There were two cups of black coffee sitting on Jan’s vanity and Jan was sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed. The beautiful smile Jan was offering her made Jackie want to cry.
“Coffee?” Jan asked, gesturing to the cups. Jackie nodded hastily and grabbed the hot mug, letting the burning liquid run down her throat. “I have milk and sugar if you’d prefer.”
“This is fine.”
“Do you want to go for breakfast or something? I don’t have anything going on today and I have a bad hankering for some gross diner breakfast food! My treat, actually this time.” Jan said with a laugh. Jan’s excitement just made Jackie feel more uncomfortable and nauseated. Everything was overwhelming, and Jackie was desperate to cry it out in her bed.
“I’m alright with just coffee,” Jackie said, her voice was barely above a whisper.
“That’s not a nutritious breakfast, doctor!” Jan laughed.
“It’s my favourite,” Jackie mumbled. “Besides, I don’t want to intrude on your day.”
“It’s no trouble! I had a really nice night and I would like to talk to you without my whole body being filled with vodka. Let me buy you breakfast!” She was relentless.
“I said this is fine, thank you, Janice,” Jackie snapped. Jan’s face fell quickly. She flinched from the intensity of Jackie’s dismissal. The two women remained in silence for a few seconds.
“You’re welcome, Jacqueline,” Jan said coldly. She grabbed her cup from the vanity and walked over to the other side of the room. Jackie’s bra and dress from the night before were draped nicely over Jan’s dresser, and Jan scooped them up.
“Thanks,” Jackie whispered, taking the clothes from Jan’s hands when she got back to Jackie. The two sipped on their coffees silently. There was a lot Jackie wanted to say to Jan. She wanted to thank her for making the night interesting. She wanted to let her know that the bad mood she was experiencing and the tears that she was holding back were not Jan’s fault. She wanted to explain that she felt strange about sleeping with a school colleague and was now wondering what this meant in regards to her sexuality. But instead, Jackie sipped the coffee, trying to stifle what felt like a brewing anxiety attack. If her mother found out...
“Was it that bad for you?” Jan asked earnestly.
“What?” Jackie was taken aback.
“Because I thought we’d had a good night. I know we were drunk but I thought-” Jan’s face was showing more sadness than she intended. Instead of aloof, Jan looked like someone had slapped her across the face. The pain in her eyes made Jackie wince.
“It was fine,” Jackie said.
“You came three times, I feel like fine is an understatement,” Jan said while rolling her eyes. Jan was getting frustrated, and Jackie truly felt bad for making the poor girl upset and being unpleasant. And really, the more she remembered about the night, the more Jackie wished she could articulate to Jan that they had shared the best sex that Jackie had ever had. But that thought carried a lot of weight and led to a lot of things that Jackie wasn’t ready to unpack.
“Look, it was what it was. I don’t know why you’re making this into a thing. It was just a stupid, drunken mistake. Let’s just move past it and go our separate ways, okay? We don’t have to dwell on this or have breakfast, Janice. Let’s just forget. Please.”
“I-” Jan began, tears filling her eyes. Jackie was disgusted by the way she was behaving. But she couldn’t cry in confusion in front of this stranger, and crying was the only thing she wanted to do. Jackie quickly slipped her bra on and pulled her dress from the previous night on. She looked out of place in Jan’s room. She felt out of place in Jan’s room.
“What do you want from me? A bouquet of flowers? For fuck’s sake Janice, it was just sex, right? I don’t know what you’re looking for. Validation?”
“Wow,” Jan said, nodding, but glaring angrily at Jackie. “Okay, well. I misread absolutely everything. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t even know you,” Jackie coolly mumbled. “There was nothing for you to misread.”
“I misread you, Jacqueline.” Jan snapped. “See, I thought that we had a fun night, and I thought that we could get to know each other a bit better over fucking pancakes! I thought that you were the nicest person I’d met so far in our program, and we would get along well. Clearly, I made a very big mistake. I didn't realize I was just here to get you off. Thanks for the fun, but you can fucking go now."
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” Jackie nodded as she looked at her phone to see Nicky had messaged her to let her know that she was at the address she had sent her. Judging by the time that had elapsed, Jan lived very close to Nicky and Jackie. She quickly slipped out of Jan’s room, regretting everything that had happened since the bathroom the night before. Jackie slipped her heels on, letting one tear fall down her cheek.
“See you in class, Jacqueline,” she heard Jan taunt as the door closed behind her. Finally, Jackie could let herself sob as she ran down the stairs toward Nicky’s car.