Work Text:
Cast (in order of appearance)
Otacon: TheKazMan (Lully)
Liquid: Anna-Marie (korasami)
Mantis: TheKazMan
Raven: TheKazMan
Ocelot: Anna-Marie
Prisoner: Anna-Marie
Octopus: TheKazMan
Wolf: TheKazMan
TRANSCRIPT
Scene 1
Computer noises, keyboard clacking. Otacon is humming along to the NGE opening. The elevator dings and Liquid enters, his open shirting flapping dramatically.
LIQUID: hmm.
Footsteps over to Otacon’s desk. Otacon notices Liquid and gasps, quickly turning off the anime and clearing his throat.
LIQUID: Oh, don’t mind me. Just wanted to see how the other half lives.
OTACON: Y-yes, sir.
LIQUID: Please, call me Boss.
OTACON: Okay, Boss…
Keyboard clacking starts again, Otacon tries to ignore Liquid but Liquid gets closer and looks at the monitor.
OTACON: You shouldn’t get so close, it’s bad for your abs -- eyes! It’s bad for your eyes.
LIQUID: I just wanted to see what you’re doing.
OTACON: Oh, I’m, uh, just running some diagnostics on REX. He was acting finicky today, so I wanted to make sure everything is up to par.
LIQUID: “He”? Isn’t it a machine?
OTACON: (flustered) Oh, yeah, sorry, I kind of treat him like a pet…
LIQUID: (small laugh, sounding a little bewildered at his own thoughts) That’s adorable.
OTACON: Huh?
LIQUID: (clears his throat) Ah, nothing. Glad to see you’re working hard.
OTACON: Of course, Boss.
Some silence again, keyboard clacking continues. Liquid is just watching him. Keyboard stops.
OTACON: Uh, do you need anything else?
LIQUID: Sure. What’s that you have pulled up on your second monitor?
OTACON: (embarrassed) Oh- that’s um, it’s just a show I like…
LIQUID: Show? You’re not slacking off on your hostage duties, are you?
OTACON: N-no sir! I was just listening to the soundtrack while I worked!
LIQUID: (laughs) Calm down, I’m just teasing. I think I’ve seen cartoons like that before.
OTACON: (mumbles) It’s not a cartoon…
LIQUID: Hmm?
OTACON: O-oh, it’s called, um, it’s called anime, it’s from Japan.
LIQUID: Oh, interesting. So you were humming to the soundtrack when I was coming over?
OTACON: (surprised) You heard that??
LIQUID: Of course, you were quite loud.
OTACON: (embarrassed) Oh…
LIQUID: (realizing he’s making this awkward lol) It’s fine! You’re a good….hummer.
OTACON: W-what?
LIQUID: Well, would you look at the time! I better get back to my whole “holding Shadow Moses hostage” thing! Bye!
Liquid storms out, embarrassed. Otacon just mumbles “what...” or something and gets back to typing.
Audio fades
Scene 2
Door opens and closes, footsteps as Liquid walks into the room.
LIQUID: Mantis?
Silence, before a little woosh noise as Mantis becomes visible. Liquid flinches, and Mantis chuckles to himself.
LIQUID: Stop surprising me like that.
MANTIS: Who’s this boy you can’t keep out of your head?
LIQUID: Oh, uh...just some prisoner I bothered earlier.
MANTIS: Just? Is that all? Your constant recollection of meeting him suggests otherwise.
LIQUID: (Frustrated) Okay, okay...he’s kind of cute.
MANTIS: I disagree. You don’t recognize that face?
LIQUID: What do you mean?
MANTIS: That’s Huey Emmerich’s kid. You’re crushing on the child of Huey?
LIQUID: I didn’t know! He’s much cuter than...Huey.
MANTIS: Sure, if that’s what you think.
LIQUID: Anyway, that’s not important, I came in here to ask you something.
MANTIS: Right, you want my advice? I say give it up. Someone as powerful as you can do so much better than that puny little programmer.
LIQUID: That’s not what I wanted to hear, Mantis. Can’t you just tell me that I’m handsome and can totally win him over or something?
MANTIS: (sighs) …”You’re handsome and can totally win him over”...
LIQUID: You’re right, I am! Thanks, Tretij.
MANTIS: Whatever, Eli…
Door opens and closes again as Liquid leaves.
Scene 3
Footsteps on metal. Sound of a sliding door. Then footsteps in snow. Sound of ravens attacking Liquid. I just want to use this audio clip: https://youtu.be/1evsES3er0U?t=22 from 0:22 to 0:37
LIQUID: Raven? Are you out here? [no response] Hello? [more footsteps in snow] Hellooo?
[sound of BIG METAL creaking]
RAVEN: Boss? [more sounds of BIG METAL creaking] What brings you to my domain?
LIQUID: You’re... good with the ladies, yes? More so than Mantis?
RAVEN: [deep laugh] Even Ocelot is better with the ladies than Mantis. [pauses, as if for laughter.] Yes, you could say it is something I excel at. The ravens certainly do.
LIQUID: Right. In that case, I need your help with wooing a -- lady.
RAVEN: [pause] There is no need to lie to me. The ravens gossip. They tell me it is young Emmerich who catches your eye. They have seen the animes that boy watches. My advice to you is one of emulation. Remove your shirt as the cartoon men do and show off your muscles.
LIQUID: Well. I already do that.
RAVEN: Hmm... Did he like what he saw?
LIQUID: I think so... but he seemed to be rather intimidated by me. I need him to want me.
RAVEN: Ah. Therein lies the problem. My women are not so easily intimidated. Your boy is soft. The ravens recommend asking Ocelot for advice. Like understands like.
[sound of BIG METAL creaking]
LIQUID: [muttering, as snowy footsteps begin] Ocelot? Soft?
Scene 4
[sound of muffled tortured screams]
LIQUID: Ah, he must be in. [knocks on door] Ocelot, do you have a moment?
[sound of tortured screams cease]
OCELOT: [muffled] Who wants to know?
LIQUID: It’s me.
OCELOT: [mutters something incomprehensible]
[one loud, muffled tortured scream]
OCELOT: [muffled] What do you want?
LIQUID: Ocelot, how do you get a boy to like you? Like, like like? And not just tremble before you?
OCELOT: [muffled] One moment.
PRISONER: [weakly, muffled] Of course...!
[sound of door opening and closing, followed by sound of hands being wiped on cloth]
OCELOT: Permanently disfigure him? Always worked for me.
LIQUID: Something tells me he wouldn’t appreciate that. Anything else?
OCELOT: ...Hmm. [sound of Ocelot pacing]
LIQUID: I haven’t got all day, old man.
OCELOT: Well, back when your father and I used to f--
LIQUID: [raised voice] Don’t even think about finishing that sentence.
OCELOT: Well, with Miller, I--
LIQUID: I want to know about this somehow even less.
OCELOT: Do you want my advice, or not?
LIQUID: What I want is for that absolutely adorable Dr. Emmerich to look at me like he looks at his waifu posters!
OCELOT: [trying not to laugh] W-wait. Dr. Emmerich? Huey’s boy?? [starts laughing uncontrollably, and it starts to sound really evil] And here I thought I had bad taste in men!
LIQUID: You know what? You're 95 and single. I don't have to listen to you.
OCELOT: [laughter immediately cuts off with a choke] Wh--95?! I'm barely 60!
LIQUID: ...Right.
Scene 5
[footsteps]
LIQUID: [angrily muttering] Ocelot... load of crap... Big Boss ... ear bleach...
OCTOPUS: [as Otacon] Oh! Liquid! Hi!
LIQUID: Huh? Oh! Doctor... What are you doing on this floor?
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: Looking for you, of course! [laughs obnoxiously, like “hee-hee hoo-hoo haaa”]
LIQUID: [Stunned into silence by Otacon’s beauty... maybe a cheesy love song plays softly] O-oh! I-- That is--
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: Boss? Are you alright? [i imagine he is like, rubbing Liquid's bare chest.] Wow, Boss, your chest is so firm...
LIQUID: I, uh, I-- [stuttering continues]
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: [record scratch if music plays] You know, I’d thought this would be funny, but it’s actually just really pathetic. Hmm.
LIQUID: Emmerich--? What--?
OCTOPUS: You getting all goo-goo-eyed over some low-poly twink. You’re really starting to slip.
LIQUID: Low-poly... twink? [growls] Octopus!
[morphy sounds, idk]
OCTOPUS: In the flesh. Heh. [pauses, as if for laughter.] Mantis told me you had it bad. I just didn’t realize how bad.
LIQUID: You have got to be kidding me. That traitor. And after all we’ve been through together!
OCTOPUS: Hey, hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I think he was just looking out for you. I am a master of seduction. I can help you get your man.
LIQUID: You really think so? [he sighs] Everyone around me seems to be making fun of me.
OCTOPUS: Hell yeah we are. Huey Emmerich's son? That's low, even for you--
LIQUID: I beg your pardon!
OCTOPUS: --Buuut, I think with a little training, you might stand a chance.
LIQUID: I'm not sure I like where this is headed.
OCTOPUS: Come on, Boss. Once I get done with you, you'll have that little engineer in the palm of your hand.
LIQUID: I-- Alright. Alright. What should I do?
OCTOPUS: First thing's first: Act cool. I mean, building Metal Gear is probably the coolest thing that's ever happened to him. Show off your accomplishments. Make him want you.
LIQUID: Okay. Okay Okay. Let's do this. [takes a deep breath] Hey there, sweet cheeks. How are you liking this hostile takeover?
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: No.
LIQUID: Why don't I take you for a spin in the cockpit of Metal Gear, and I'll show you why they call me the White Mamba.
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: Nobody calls you that.
LIQUID: [defensive] Well, they used to!
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: Riiight... Well, it sounds stupid.
LIQUID: Shut up!
OCTOPUS [as Otacon]: You don't want to say that to him, either.
LIQUID: [growls in frustration] I... I see you've got brown hair... a dominant trait. How would you like to have some recessive genes inside of you?
[transforming sounds]
OCTOPUS: There's no hope for you!
Scene 6: DELETED SCENE
[enters where Otacon is]
LIQUID: My, my, what do we have here?
OTACON: Oh! Liquid! I didn't hear you coming. [clears his throat] Boss! I mean Boss.
LIQUID: You know, forget about that “Boss” thing. You can call me Liquid.
OTACON: Um, okay. Do you need something, Liquid?
LIQUID: [flustered] I just, uh, wanted to… (echo Octopus’ voice?? Saying “master of seduction” lol) I wanted to check you out. I mean check on you.
OTACON: [confused] Check on me?
LIQUID: Yeah, you’re...um...important to- to the project! Wouldn’t want the lead engineer feeling down! [ laughs awkwardly]
OTACON: [disappointed] oh, yeah...I’m doing fine, I guess.
LIQUID: Good! That’s good- [clears throat and his voice sounds raspier now] that’s really good...
[Romantic music starts playing, maybe otacon makes some gasps to imply that something is happening. I imagine liquid is leaning in during this time.]
OTACON: You’re getting close...to the screen! That’s really bad for your eyes, Liquid!
[Music stops abruptly]
LIQUID: Ah...you’re right. [awkward pause] You know what? I think, uh, Wolf is calling or me...or something.
OTACON: [lights up] Sniper Wolf? Say hi to her for me!
LIQUID: ok?...I’m going to go now.
[footsteps away]
Scene 7
[Door sliding open, wind howling]
[ snow crunch footsteps, increasing sound of wolves howling]
LIQUID: ...Wolf? Is that you?
WOLF: [wolves barking or panting as she stands up] Who else would it be?
LIQUID: Right...you know Dr. Emmerich, correct?
WOLF: The nerd boy with the foggy glasses? Yes, I’ve met him.
LIQUID: Really? [gets excited] Have you talked? Has he said anything about me?
WOLF: Woah- calm down. You’re panting more than the dogs. Why do you care so much about this prisoner?
LIQUID: I...think he’s cute.
WOLF: Well, I guess he sort of is, in that dorky, innocent kind of way. He seemed to like it when I let him feed the dogs. He seems like an animal person.
[Liquid snaps]
LIQUID: That’s it, you’re brilliant, Wolf!
WOLF: ….What?
LIQUID: I’d better get planning! Thanks!
[snowy steps run away.]
WOLF: [sighs] ...I’ll never understand men.
Scene 8
LIQUID: Dr. Emmerich! I come bearing an invitation!
OTACON: O-oh! B-boss! Liquid! How can I help you?
LIQUID: You see... Wolf asked me to take care of her dogs for a few hours since she is busy burying a body. I was wondering if you would care to accompany me?
OTACON [internally]: Oh... he likes dogs? He... he must be a good person! [regular] Of course! I love dogs! When would you like to go?
LIQUID: As soon as you’re ready. I hope this isn’t too forward, but I prepared a romantic picnic for us to share.
OTACON: R-romantic? Liquid, I’m flattered...
LIQUID: Of course you are! I am six feet of pure beefcake.
OTACON: That is.. that is true.
LIQUID: So you will join me?
OTACON: I... yes!
[slight time skip]
LIQUID: Well, here we are!
OTACON: Wow... it sure is beautiful out here on this Alaskan night out in the snow. But won’t you get cold without a shirt on?
LIQUID: Not with you here to warm me up!
[pulls Otacon closer]
OTACON: Oh!
LIQUID: Hi.
OTACON: [breathless] H-hi, Liquid...
LIQUID: [whisper] Call me Eli...
OTACON: Oh... Eli... in that case... call me Hal.
LIQUID: [seductive whisper] Hal... I love that name.
OTACON: O-oh? You don’t think it sounds... evil?
LIQUID: Baby, I like evil.
[they kiss]
LIQUID: You look so... cute ... in those... glasses.
OTACON: Oh... thanks! They’re just my glasses.
LIQUID: May I kiss you again?
OTACON: Yes!
[they kiss]
LIQUID: Dr. Emmerich... Hal. I... I have something to ask of you. Something I hope you will agree to. You see... I...
OTACON: Yes, Eli? You know you can tell me anything.
[internally] This is just like one of my animes!
LIQUID: Will you... will you be my evil prince of darkness?
[record scratch]
OTACON: I - what?
LIQUID: You know... my lover in eternal villany?
OTACON: What are you talking about?
LIQUID: I want you, and I want to make sweet, evil love to you as we commit war crimes and conquer the world!
OTACON: Oh... wow... Eli, I appreciate your offer, I really do... but I’m one of the good guys. A protagonist, yanno? I’m not really interested in being evil. Like, sure, I’ve made a lot of mistakes... I mean, creating Rex alone is definitely gonna add a bunch of demon points to my run, but, yanno, I see myself as more of a Shinji than a Gendo. And maybe you could be my Kawaru, but even Kawaru was kind of good in the end. And, well, you’re still holding me hostage. I’m still kind of holding out to be rescued by a dark and mysterious stranger, yanno? No offense.
LIQUID: I... I see.
OTACON: A-and it’s not that you aren’t attractive! You really, really are. Trust me. You are. But you’re just too hell-bent on revenge for me. Maybe if there were another, equally attractive clone of you who was less evil, I would say yes. And I’ll be honest, if the proposal was just for one night, I would say yes. But I can’t live a life of eternal villany with you. I’m sorry.
LIQUID: No... I understand. But maybe, if you aren’t interested in consummating the bonds of our marriage of darkness, you would be interested in just consuming the rest of this picnic I made for us?
OTACON: [smiling] I would like that, Eli. I would like that very much.
[love deterrence w vocals plays]