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Zuko knows that his friends are worried about him. He knows that he’s been shutting them out. He feels horrible every time he ignores a knock on his bedroom door. But he just doesn’t have the energy to pretend that he’s fine and he doesn’t have the energy to explain what’s been going on.
Especially, when he can’t even explain what, exactly, is going on to himself. One of his advisors had brought up the possibility of him marrying soon and he had sort of just... shut off. Because he can’t. Not when he’s never had a healthy example of a married couple in his life.
And, sure, he’s fumbled his way through a few dates, but he doesn’t truly know what he’s doing. Really, he’s not sure how to do family, in general, but there’s something extra scary about having a spouse.
He supposes he’d learn eventually, like how he’s been learning how to be a sibling, with the Gaang and how he’s been learning how to be a son, with his uncle. But he doesn’t want to experience the time before he learns. It’s an almost irrational fear, but it’s the same fear that still plagues him, before and during every difficult interaction with his family.
His old family, was less than pleasant, and even the somewhat pleasing parts have been tainted. The good memories have been stained with the bad and, now, even Zuko has a hard time picking out the truly good from all of the hurtful moments. He remembers Ursa with a fondness, but even that fondness has become cynical and painful over the years.
He can’t help, but be angry with her for leaving him behind. He’s had his bad days; the days where he rages and screams at her memory for being selfish enough to leave him with Ozai and Azula. On those days, he hates her. Hates her for leaving a soft-hearted, ten year old boy alone, with people, who had always been ready and willing to manipulate, gaslight, and hurt him.
On other days, he hates her less. He understands, he really does, why she did what she did. He understands that she did the best that she could. He understands that he’s only alive, because she saved him. Sometimes he hates her for that, too. He loves Ursa, truly, he does, but, his feelings about her have gotten much more complicated over the years. He doesn’t like it. He misses the days, when he loved her unconditionally.
His feelings about his father are both less complicated and significantly more so. He despises Ozai with every fiber of his being, but he still feels so... betrayed. Parents were supposed to love their child, right? If not love, than at least they’re supposed to treat their children decently. ‘Supposed’ is certainly the key word.
On some days (the same days that he hates his mother) he misses his father. Not the father that he knew, but the father that he always wished he had. The father that he thought he might be able to have, if he was just... better. Maybe, he thinks sometimes, if he had been a better son, he might have had a good father. Maybe, he thinks, it isn’t Ozai's fault. Maybe, Zuko is the bad one. The cruel one. The selfish one.
This isn’t true. He knows it isn’t. But sometimes, it’s hard not to think it. Sometimes his thoughts get so loud. They get too angry, too cruel, too selfish, too- Sometimes it’s hard to remember that Ozai abused him. He hates that word, so he uses it as much as he can. That’s a loud thought too. It rattles around in his brain until it doesn’t have meaning anymore, (abused, abused, abused), until it feels untrue, until it feels like a lie.
Zuko hates lying. It reminds him of Azula. She was always good at lying, at manipulating, at torturing. He understands, of course, that she only did what she had to. It doesn’t make him like her. His feelings about her differ, once again, from his feelings about either of his parents. He hates Azula, despises her, even, but he also loves her. He loves her so much. And he feels like a terrible, selfish brother to hate her.
Azula has always been hard to love, but, Zuko remembers, they used to love eachother. They used to be siblings. They used to be family. They used to be friends. If he really thinks hard, he can remember the time that they would play together like normal siblings. He can remember the times, when Azula would help him to his feet and he wouldn’t have to bandage his hands that night. He can remember the times, when Azula would look up at him, her round, baby face smiling at him like she loves him.
Zuko wonders, sometimes, if he’s not just making those memories up. He wonders if his brain just invented a few images to be a comfort to him during long, sleepless nights weeks, months, years. He doesn’t think it’s fake, but it’s not like he can remember very many positive things about his childhood. He’s blocked most of his childhood out, if he’s being honest. The only things he can really remember are the terrible parts. The parts he wishes so, so badly that he could forget.
He remembers, for instance, the way his parents would always fight. It always started the same. One of them would say something that the other disapproved of and then they would frown at eachother. Ursa was so clearly fearful of Ozai, but she hardly ever backed down quickly. They would yell at eachother, Ozai would throw something or threaten to do horrible things, and then Ursa would lock herself in her bedroom for the rest of the day.
Azula and Zuko would listen to every crash, yell, and sob. Azula would smile, like she thought it was funny, but her eyes were always dead. Zuko would just cry.
He can remember other things too. He remembers bruises and burns being explained away to Iroh. He remembers Azula watching him sob, her eyes dead. He remembers shaking too hard to stand. He remembers flinching and being called pathetic. He remembers, he remembers, he remembers...
Family has never been Zuko's strong suit, but he's learning. He thinks he's learning, at least. He's learned that, soon enough, Toph will threaten to kick his door down and he'll acquiesce and open it to her. He'll explain what's been going on and probably cry.
They'll probably go to Iroh's tea shop after that, where he'll explain again and cry some more. Maybe Katara will hug him and give him encouraging advice. Maybe the rest of the gaang will spend the day with him. And then, they'll move on. He'll move on and the cycle will start over the next time he has a breakdown.
All that will happen eventually, but, for now, Zuko doesn't have the energy, or the strength, to do anything but lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. He'll move on, eventually, but, for now, this is all he has the strength to do.