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Childe was well aware that by this point, what he had with Kaeya went beyond the bounds of what one could consider a normal romantic relationship.
The abyss hidden within both Childe and Kaeya seeks out its like on its own. After five years of being together, they began to pick up each other’s surface-level thoughts. At first Childe had thought those thoughts were his own- until he began to notice that sometimes those thoughts included things he didn't know of.
Before his birthday one year, he kept thinking of a party every time Kaeya brought home groceries. He'd already told Kaeya he didn't plan on celebrating that year- past a certain age, birthdays become more a sad reminder than a thing to revel in. Every time, he would bury the thought only for it to pop up again at random while Kaeya home with him. Despite that, the day he got home from work on his birthday, he walked into a room filled with cake, presents, and him and Kaeya's mutual friends and coworkers. Kaeya had been just as stealthy as he usually was regarding the surprise party- how had Childe even thought that he would hold one?
Finally, Childe gave in and asked Kaeya if he'd had any strange thoughts lately. Kaeya confessed that he'd thought of some of the gifts Childe had given him recently before they were even bought. The occasions Kaeya recalled thinking of them on matched up with the times Childe had first come up with the ideas to get them for his partner. They’d stared at each other, curious what had made this strange power manifest within them.
From that point forward, they were far more aware of their thoughts around each other. Any tiny spark of irritation became noticeable to the other, every intrusive thought subject to worried glances. For the most part, it was good for them. Childe could easily tell when Kaeya was beginning to spiral into his self-deprecating ways, and Kaeya often took the initiative to do any chores Childe was thinking of before the worn-out Harbinger could try to do them on his own.
They were connected now, mind and soul. Both of them wondered about what could have caused the oddity, but on some level they knew somehow. Childe's essence had been tainted by the Abyss when he was only a child, and Kaeya was bathed in it from birth. That powerful, unknowable force tied them together by mysterious ways. It felt odd and unnatural to be connected by something so powerful, but that seldom was a topic for discussion. The practical advantages to their lives were far more frequent and easier to consider.
The first reminder of the Abyssal touch on their lives came after Childe was forced to use his Foul Legacy transformation on a routine mission gone wrong.
Childe had been fed intel framing the cartel settling around Stormterror's Lair as a small fry which had borrowed more Mora than it could afford to repay. When Childe had actually gone to demand the debt be settled, he'd quickly found himself overwhelmed by Vision holders who had somehow taken control of a group of Ruin Guards. The giant Abyssal machines thrummed with Cryo energy, and over and over Childe felt frost clawing at his dampened skin and freezing his attacks before they could make contact. One of them knocked Childe to the ground as the cartel members stood nearby and mocked him, and Childe quickly realized that the only way he could come home safely to his beloved Kaeya was to use his Delusion.
Activating his Foul Legacy transformation had always felt like something had been stolen from him. Every horrible urge and negative emotion he'd ever felt amplified itself into a twisted abomination of bloodlust and a crackling desire for vengeance. Just using it put a strain on his body that he felt the overwhelming urge to take out on someone, anyone else. He felt powerful but soul-crushingly empty inside.
His humanity locked safely away, Childe began to slaughter the Ruin Guards and cartel members alike, leaving the damp, windswept grass of Stormterror's Lair soaked with blood. The screams, the whirrs, the mocking, the snap of electricity and crunch of ice quieted into a gentle birdsong and the roar of the wind. And afterwards Childe stood there, back in his human form, staring out over the sea of defiled bodies feeling that same emptiness.
Nothing felt real. The sound of the world around him numbed and his vision blurred. Childe had felt the same while in his Foul Legacy form, but now that he lacked a distraction it was far more noticeable. The bloodlust he'd felt still roared in his veins. Childe whipped around and sent a bolt of electricity towards an Anemo slime he'd seen floating nearby. Watching it deflate changed nothing. He was still just as empty, just as furious.
The sound of someone clearing their throat came from behind Childe.
One of Kaeya's subordinates, Childe quickly recognized. The bunny lady- Amber, was it? She was far above the scarred ground, gliding at the top of the short updraft caused by the slain Anemo slime.
"What?" Childe snapped at her. He registered that she flinched slightly, but that meant nothing to him. Maybe it would later.
"Erm, Sir Childe, Kaeya..." The young woman's eyes welled up with tears, "Captain Kaeya collapsed!" Her words ripped through the persistent fog clouding Childe's mind and filled the empty space with panic.
"Where is he?!" Childe sent a wave of water shooting outwards, creating a fast-moving tempest of blood, dismembered bodies, and chunks of machinery that settled in a morbid circle some ways away from him. Amber landed on a wet rock and nearly lost her footing before Childe steadied her.
"He's at the cathedral. I think he's okay, Grand Master Jean just wanted me to come get you." Childe couldn't help but feel a tinge of pride that the Acting Grand Master thought highly enough of him to inform him when his partner was harmed, despite their many prior disagreements. He turned and blasted a clean path out of the circle of detritus before taking off back towards the city with Amber in tow.
By the time Childe arrived at the cathedral, Kaeya had already awoken. He sat up in his bed as Barbara fussed around him, a hand over his eyepatch.
"Is your head hurting, Sir Kaeya?" Barbara asked.
"Yes... Yes it is. But I think a nice big glass of fresh water would do quite a bit of good." Childe caught a flash of guilt from him along with the word "lie" as he walked into the room. Barbara gave Childe a quick curtsy before rushing out to do as Kaeya had requested.
"How are you feeling, babe?" Childe asked, brushing Kaeya's hair away from his face. Kaeya leaned into his touch and sighed. The words "hurt" and "empty" lingered in Childe's mind as his beloved gazed up at him.
"Well, I can say for certain I've been far better. I was in Jean's office on official Knight business when my Vision started sparking. I don't recall much of what happened after that, but I'm told I was shocked by it and fell in a heap on the carpet." Kaeya huffed. "How undignified." The teasing and lightness in those words were so obviously fake- Wait, his Vision? Childe glanced down at Kaeya's belt only to see it empty. Kaeya pointed to a table across the room with the hand that wasn't still resting over his eyepatch.
The gentle blue glow of Kaeya's vision was tinged with a hideous violet that Childe knew all too well. His heart sank.
"...Did you use your Delusion?" Kaeya looked away from Childe and pressed harder on his eyepatch as if trying to keep something trapped under it. The thought "don't look" flashed across Childe's consciousness.
"Y-yeah, I... I did. Kaeya, what's wrong with your eye?" Childe reached over to try to gently pull Kaeya's hand away, and Kaeya let him.
There was a dull purple glow coming from under Kaeya's eyepatch.
"Please don't take the eyepatch off," Kaeya whispered. He sounded scared, small, just as he had when he'd told Childe about his dark past and his old ties to Khaenri'ah. Childe was well aware that Kaeya despised this part of himself, and for him to show it now...
"It's okay. I think I... understand what happened." Internally, Childe kicked himself over and over for using his Delusion. If only he'd been stronger, he could have made it out of there without its help. The exhaustion he felt now was nothing, but seeing the pain lingering in Kaeya's eyes broke Childe's heart. He'd hurt his beloved. How could he live with himself-
"Ajax." Kaeya's hand reached up to brush Childe's cheek. "I know you wouldn't have used it unless you had to. What matters is that you're home safe. With me."
The pain in Childe's chest softened with the warm, gentle smile Kaeya gave him.
The second reminder of the power the Abyss held over them came when Childe was backed into a corner in Snezhnaya, accosted by young upstarts that claimed to be acting on the Tsaritsa's orders. Childe sincerely doubted that- she'd expressed some concern over his insistence on staying in Mondstadt, but she needed a Harbinger in the area anyway and had nowhere else where his more upfront methods would be of particular use. His mortifying failure in Liyue had seemingly been viewed as a mere distraction, albeit one that caused a bit more harm to the Fatui's image in the nation than the Tsaritsa would have liked. So for some strangers to inform him that he was marked for death by the Tsaritsa was... a bit unbelievable.
It became far more believable when one of them pulled out a Delusion and claimed to be the new 11th Harbinger.
While the so-called "Harbinger" boasted a Pyro Delusion, their Dendro Vision kept their flames unrelenting. The second a twisting bramble touched Childe's skin, he felt those raging flames burn ever stronger. They were beyond a doubt trained for combat- was this why Childe was finally called home? To be informed he was no longer needed and promptly disposed of? Only a few blows into their fight, Childe resolved himself to not use his Foul Legacy transformation unless he was about to die. He couldn't hurt Kaeya again. He couldn't-
Childe's resolve abruptly crumbled when he remembered that if he was disposable, his family would be too.
While the "Harbinger" was certainly strong and well-trained, they lacked the knowledge of how to use their Foul Legacy transformation. Childe set the ground, soaked with melted snow, alight with dancing sparks. One sweep of his spear cut his supposed "replacement" in two, sending the rest of their cronies scurrying away. While Childe ached to indulge in the roaring bloodlust, the heart-wrenching feeling of betrayal screaming inside of him, he had bigger concerns. He shot across the Snezhnayan countryside as his mind raced through exactly how he would exact his revenge against the Tsaritsa after this.
When he arrived outside his house, he saw Teucer and Tonia playing outside as if nothing was wrong. Childe skirted around the perimeter of the home, trying to spot any invaders creeping in. No one was there. How could-
Childe's mind shut down to a simple thought: He'd been tricked.
There was no replacement. The supposed "new Harbinger" must have been a dual Vision holder who'd dressed one of their Visions up to look like a Delusion. That explained why they couldn't use the Foul Legacy transformation- they had none. But who was responsible? Was it some young Fatui trying to claw their way to the top by any means possible, or was it...
A Cicin mage teleported in front of Childe and held out a letter for him to take. "The Tsaritsa sends her regards," the woman purred.
It took every ounce of Childe's self-control to not slay her on the spot. This was a warning from the Tsaritsa of what would happen if he didn't behave. And potentially a test of his loyalties.
One he most likely had failed.
Childe took the letter in his massive claws and stared at the woman until she vanished into the air once more.
In an attempt to ensure his family's safety, he'd put them in even more danger. And on top of that, he likely had endangered Kaeya as well. Childe knew those feelings should be crawling in his gut right now, filling him with dread and guilt, but he only acknowledged his failure and felt nothing more about it. The Abyss gnawed gently away at his humanity and reminded him that there was a price to pay for taking its power for his own.
He had to get his family out of Snezhnaya.
Childe was allowed to take his family back to Mondstadt without a fight. The Tsaritsa's letter had informed him that he was on thin ice, but this incident was mainly meant to serve as a reminder that if he did not do as he was ordered, he would become expendable. Nowhere is outside of Snezhnaya's reach, the Tsaritsa had warned. Should you cross me, I cannot guarantee the safety of your loved ones.
The fear Childe knew should be consuming him was absent, leaving him with only a dull, sinking dread. He saw Tonia gave him worried glances at every fake smile he sent towards Teucer. Seeing his little brother play normally filled him with joy, but now he felt nothing. Every motion was pure muscle memory, a facade of what he should be feeling at any given time.
Every night on the long boat ride home, Childe's dreams were haunted by images of Kaeya terrified, in pain, his body wracked with electricity or shaking with upset. The most horrific of those nightmares came when the Kaeya of his dreams had come to Childe with the sweet, genuine smile Childe had come to adore, greeting him at the door of their home.
The bloodlust Childe had felt so many times before when his mind was wracked by his Foul Legacy transformation rose as he saw his beloved's face, and before Childe knew what he was doing his spear pierced through Kaeya's chest. Electricity crackled down the shaft as blood dripped from Kaeya's lips.
Childe felt nothing. And when he looked at the life fading from Kaeya's eyes, he saw none of the betrayal and hurt he expected.
Only empty, pitch-black eyes glowing softly with purple light.
Tonia shook him awake and asked him why he'd been screaming in his sleep. Childe broke down in tears of relief at the realization that he could still feel something. His sweet sister held him in her arms, rocking him gently and telling him it would be okay over and over and over. Just as she had with their younger siblings when they had nightmares of their own.
They arrived at Liyue Harbor that morning, and Childe once again felt grateful for the rush of very mixed emotions he felt as he saw Zhongli waiting by the docks.
"...Ah. What a surprise, Zhongli-xiansheng." Teucer abruptly demanded that Tonia and Anton look at the giant anchor behind them.
"Good morning, Childe. How was your journey home?"
Childe laughed bitterly. "Snezhnaya isn't my home anymore. I'm going back to Mondstadt." He shuffled on his feet, looking away from Zhongli to count his luggage again.
Zhongli cleared his throat. "Before you go, Childe, a, uh, mutual friend of ours asked that I speak with you."
"About what?" Zhongli's gaze flittered over to Childe's siblings, making him aware that the conversation likely wasn't appropriate for them. "Ah, sure. Do you think I could get the Traveler to watch the kids?"
"They are out on their travels at the moment, but I do have a potential alternative in mind."
Childe wasn't quite sure what to make of the half-Qilin girl that Zhongli volunteered to supervise his siblings, but given that she was involved with the Qixing, she seemed like a responsible enough babysitter. Teucer was already bombarding her with questions about her horns as she led him out the door.
Zhongli and Childe stood there in silence as Childe watched the former Archon make tea in his kitchen. The two of them had grown apart somewhat after Childe had left Liyue, but they'd kept up in letters and occasional visits.
"Who asked you to speak with me?" Childe finally asked as Zhongli poured tea into his cup.
"Master Ragnvindr. He said he was quite familiar with your partner and your... predicament." Childe sighed. Diluc had been particularly vocal about his burning hatred for Childe (mainly on the grounds of him being a Fatui Harbinger) at the start of Childe and Kaeya's relationship, though he'd calmed over the years. From what Kaeya had told him, Diluc knew more than most about the effects Delusions could have on people.
"And I suppose he wanted us to talk about me using my Delusion?" Zhongli nodded as Childe took a sip of his tea. "I apologize, xiansheng, but I'm not sure what knowledge about them you have that he doesn't."
"I... admit it is beyond my areas of expertise, but I am more than familiar with what happens to individuals, regardless of their power, when they for whatever reason become beholden to their baser desires alone. I saw it happen many times during the Archon War."
Childe growled, his irritation spiking. "Then what am I supposed to do to fix it?"
Zhongli sighed. "You must remember what it is that you love. I feel that guidance is far more reasonable than Master Ragnvindr's assertion that, erm... I believe his exact wording was 'No man is meant to wield the power of the Abyss. Take that f... fucking Delusion and lock it away where you can never reach it.'"
Childe didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Zhongli's words. He ended up doing both.
At the very least, Zhongli was a quiet, albeit bony, shoulder to cry on as the overwhelming horror that he'd hurt his beloved and incredible relief that the situation was not beyond hope finally made Childe buckle under the pressure that had weighed him down for so long now.
Before Childe took his family home, he stopped at the Dawn Winery and demanded to see the master of the house. He showed himself within a few minutes, giving Childe the glare he knew so well by now. One of the maids escorted the children outside to play- to enable Diluc to kill Childe in peace or to give them privacy, Childe wasn't sure.
"What do you want?" Diluc asked flatly. Childe pulled the mask imbued with his Delusion off his head and tossed it towards Diluc, who just barely uncrossed his arms in time to catch it.
"I took your words to heart. I don't need this anymore." Childe couldn't help but feel a tinge of satisfaction at the shock on Diluc's face. "But I do expect you to spar with me sometime so I can get stronger. Okay?"
Diluc tucked the Delusion into his jacket, then gave Childe the barest hint of a smile. "I... I can do that."
Childe turned towards the door, raising a hand as he walked away. "Take care of that thing for me! I better not hear it ended up in somebody else's hands."
"I appreciate this, Tartaglia." Childe paused as he opened the door and glanced back at Diluc.
"...Call me Ajax."
"Fine, Ajax." Diluc huffed at him and stalked off back towards his study. Childe's laughter followed him up the stairs before being cut off by the front door slamming shut.
During the rest of the carriage ride back home, Childe's mind kept gnawing away at him, demanding to know why he'd thrown the best weapon he had to defend those he loved away. A few times, he almost demanded that the driver turn them around so he could go rip his Delusion back out of Diluc's hands. But he reminded himself over and over why he'd done it- the Delusion wasn't tearing away at just him now, reducing him to an empty, emotionless shell in a constant haze of bloodlust. Every time he used it, Kaeya would suffer and his own humanity, which he'd worked so hard to earn over the years, would slip away.
Distancing himself from the world and allowing himself to slip into the Abyss empowered him and gave him an escape from every horror he faced, but it also denied him the incredible joy that the world could bring him. Seeing Teucer tell Tonia and Anton a fervent story about watching Childe in battle during Teucer's surprise trip to Liyue gave Childe a hint of regret and embarrassment, sure, but it also brought him happiness.
And as Childe saw his exhausted lover's face light up when Childe knocked on their door with his siblings in tow, he knew he'd made the right choice.