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The tears were still fresh in his eyes as he whipped his phone out from the drawer and dialed the number.
He and Ayo had run back to his house after the first successful test of the code words. It was still quite far from the city just in case he had an episode, but close enough to get a good signal.
The phone rang. It didn’t ring for long.
“Bucky?” asked the voice on the other end.
“Steve?” Bucky replied, his voice still shaky from crying. Ayo hovered outside the small hut, and Bucky could almost feel pride coming off of her in waves. “Steve, we did it.”
“Seriously? Bucky, you’re not- No, Nat, it’s just Bucky- Buck, you’re not fucking with me right now?”
Bucky let out a breathless laugh. “No, I’m not. I’m not- We actually did it. She said the words, and I didn’t do anything. They didn’t work.”
“Bucky, that’s- My God, Buck, that’s amazing! Are you okay? How do you feel?”
“I feel… I feel so good Steve. I heard the words and I was so sure it was going to fail again, but Shuri must have really done something right this time because I didn’t. I’m free, Steve. She said I’m free. I think I’m free.”
Bucky swore he could hear a strained inhale on the other end of the phone, as if Steve were trying to hold back his own tears. “Bucky, I- That’s incredible. You have no idea how proud I am. You’re free now. God.”
“I’m free. God, it feels so good to say…”
“And you’re sure you’re okay afterwards? You aren’t dizzy or tired-”
Bucky smiled even wider, because of course that was what Steve was worried about. If Bucky was okay. “No, I really feel fine. It really worked. I’m cured, Steve. I’m all better.”
“You’re all better… I could hug you right now, Buck. I wish I was there right now. How soon do you think we could find a protected route to fly back over there? I want to come hug you.”
“I want that too, Steve,” Bucky sighed, knowing Steve wasn’t actually going to do anything, but entertaining the idea that he might travel hallways across the world just to give him a hug. “I really want to see you again. Please come back soon.”
“I will, Buck, Sam and I were going to- What? Hold on, wait-” The line crackled as Steve put down the phone and talked to someone else. Bucky bit his lip while he waited. He knew he was Steve’s second priority now, and he could take that. He understood. “Buck? Nat says we’ve got to go, our location might be compromised. I’ll call you back. I promise. Okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, get out of there,” Bucky agreed. “Can’t have them throwing your ass in jail for me again.”
“See ya, Buck.”
“ Я люблю тебя, Steve.”
“What does that mean?”
“See you later,” Bucky lied.
Facing Ayo in the back streets of the city, Bucky could find no traces of the compassion that she had once offered him. He just saw disappointment, and betrayal.
“How could you free him?” she demanded.
“We need his help,” Bucky explained.
Ayo gave him a stern look and began to circle him. “With time, will, and resources, the Winter Soldier programming was removed from you like a rotten fur.”
“And I’m grateful for that,” Bucky said. “I’m grateful for everything you and Shuri have done…”
“Do you know how scared I was when I saw the videos?” Ayo asked.
“What videos?”
“Of you,” she replied. “In Madripoor. You were with him. You were hurting people again.”
It didn’t take much to piece together that she was talking about what Bucky had needed to do to get an audience with Selby. He’d nearly forgotten he was being recorded. “I wasn’t-”
“We thought we had failed,” Ayo cut him off. “We thought he had somehow gotten control over you again. But finding out you obeyed him willingly… that was even worse.”
“I did it for a reason,” Bucky said. “If you would just let me explain-”
“Zemo murdered our king T’Chaka at the UN,” Ayo went on. “The man who chose us - who chose me - to protect him.”
“I understand-”
“Very little,” Ayo finished for him, “If anything, of our loss and our shame.”
“ He is a means to an end ,” Bucky said in quiet Xhosa.
She scanned him again. “Eight hours, White Wolf,” she said quietly. “Then we come for him.”
She held out her hand, and he dropped the metal orbs into her palm. She turned on her heel and stormed off without another word.
“She’s a supremacist,” Zemo said matter-of-factly as they stood around the kitchen island. “The very concept of a super soldier will always trouble people. It’s that warped aspiration that led to Nazis, to Ultron, to the Avengers.”
“Hey, those are our friends you’re talking about,” Sam warned.
“The Avengers, not the Nazis,” Bucky clarified.
“So Karli is radicalized, but there has to be a peaceful way to stop her,” Sam reasoned.
“The desire to become a superhuman cannot be separated from supremacist ideals,” Zemo said. “Anyone with that serum is inherently on that path.”
Bucky tilted his head when he said that. He didn’t even look over at Bucky… did that make him an exception? Or did it go without saying that he was nothing more than a Nazi killer?
“She will not stop,” Zemo continued. “She will escalate until you kill her. Or she kills you.”
“Maybe you’re wrong, Zemo,” Bucky said defensively. “The serum never corrupted Steve.”
“Touché,” Zemo admitted. “But there has never been another Steve Rogers, has there?”
Bucky opened his mouth to reply, only to find that that sentiment might be possibly the only thing that had ever come out of Zemo’s mouth that Bucky agreed with. There was no one like Steve Rogers, and there never would be. He was the only man in the whole universe who had deserved that serum. Lord knew Bucky didn’t.
Zemo gave Bucky a smug smile when no reply came. “I’m right, you see,” he said. “You both know it.”
“Well, maybe we should give him to the Wakandans right now,” Bucky grumbled, walking away and plopping down on the couch.
“And you’ll give up your tour guide?” Zemo taunted, digging through one of his cupboards.
“Yes.”
When they returned from the refugee site empty-handed, only Zemo seemed to be in high spirits. Probably because he enjoyed watching Sam and Bucky suffer. He hurried over to his stupud little kitchen and began pulling out a tea set.
“Well, I got nothing,” Bucky said. “No one’s talking about Donya.”
“Yeah, that’s because Karli is the only one fighting for them,” Sam said as Bucky sat down on the couch again. “And she’s not wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
“For five years, people have been welcomed into countries that have kept them out using barbed wire. There were houses. And jobs. Folks were happy to have people around to help them rebuild. It wasn’t just one community coming together, it was the entire world coming together. And then, boom. Just like that, right back to the way it used to be. To them, at least Karli’s doing something.”
“You really think her ends justify her means?” Bucky asked skeptically. He pointed at Zemo, who was pouring tea. “Then she’s no different than him, or anybody else we’ve fought.”
“She’s different,” Sam, ever the saint, insisted. “She’s not motivated by the same things.”
Zemo strode over with a tray of teacups in his arms. He set it down on the coffee table.
“That little girl,” Bucky said to him, “What’d she tell you?”
Zemo hesitated before admitting, “The funeral is this afternoon.”
Sam cocked his head at Zemo. “You didn’t think to tell us that earlier?”
“You know the Dora’s coming for you any minute,” Bucky said. “In fact, they’re probably lurking outside right now. Keep talking.”
“Leaving you to turn on me once we get to Karli?” Zemo hummed and fiddled with the cup in his hands. “I prefer to keep my leverage.”
Bucky stood slowly, making sure to keep his face an emotionless mask. Zemo had been getting on his nerves more and more lately. A comment here about Steve, about the serum, about Bucky himself, and honestly, the guy was asking for trouble. But now he wasn’t even trying to be difficult. This had been planned.
Bucky snatched the teacup from Zemo’s hands and hurled it against the wall. It hadn’t even shattered before Bucky had grabbed Zemo by the lapels of his ridiculously-oversized coat. “You want to see what someone can do with leverage?”
Zemo tilted his head, unafraid. Though fear was absent in his eyes, there was something else; surprise, maybe? Bucky hadn’t been intending to, but when he looked at his own reflection in Zemo’s eyes, he didn’t see himself. He saw the Soldier.
He hastily let go of Zemo’s coat before he did anything he would regret.
Sam got up quickly and held out his peace-making hands. “Take it easy. Don’t engage him. He’s just going to extort you and to that stupid head-tilt thing.”
Zemo raised his eyebrows at Bucky in a silent dare. Bucky just stared at him. He might not be able to hurt Zemo, but boy, did he want to.
“Let me make a call,” Sam said. He patted Bucky on the shoulder before walking away.
“You want some cherry blossom tea?” Zemo asked after a beat of silence.
“No, you go ahead,” Bucky growled. He marched away angrily to follow Sam.
Ten minutes could not have passed slower.
Bucky had thought that the sudden appearance of John Walker and his lost-puppy follower was the worst thing that could have happened. He was wrong. At least then he had had Sam, a comforting presence, to keep him from tearing out both their jugulars.
Now, though, he was alone in a room with, arguably, the three people he hated most in the world.
He leaned against the doorway, making sure Sam got his ten minutes, while Zemo stood casually next to the boiler he was handcuffed to and Walker sat agitatedly at the foot of a cement block. Hoskins leaned against a wall.
Walker got up suddenly, making Bucky look up. He paced the room anxiously. Bucky guessed from his heavy breathing that he wasn’t a very patient person.
“Nuh-uh,” Walker began murmuring. “No. No, no, no, no. No, no, this is a bad idea.”
“It hasn’t been ten minutes, John,” Bucky said dryly. “Just sit tight.”
“Don’t do that,” Walker warned. “Don’t patronize me.”
“Oh, please,” Bucky sighed. “You’ve been patronizing me ever since we met. No, wait, actually, let me amend that- You’ve been objectifying me.”
“ Objectifying ?” Walker repeated, scandalized. “I have not-”
“You called me asset ,” Bucky reminded him. “As if you didn’t know my history with that word.”
Walker spluttered for a moment before snapping, “This isn’t about that, okay? Sam needs backup and we are just sitting here.”
“He knows what he’s doing,” Bucky insisted. “We just need to give him time to do it.”
He had faith in Sam, in his people skills. They argued often, but Bucky had to admit that Sam could be a good peacemaker when he wanted to be.
Walker glanced at the clock on the opposite wall for a second before storming up to Bucky. “I’m going in,” he declared, strapping the shield (damn, Bucky should just grab the shield) to his wrist.
Bucky planted a hand in his chest, stopping him. He gave Walker a light shove, though he wanted to hurl him through the nearest wall. We’re here to give Sam time , he reminded himself. You’re the only thing stopping these two jerks from charging in there and ruining this.
Hoskins was standing now too, at Walker’s side. The fake captain had a dangerous look on his face.
“This is all really easy for you, isn’t it?” he asked slowly. “All that serum running through your veins.”
“Don’t make this about the serum,” Bucky said. “I never wanted this. Don’t try to make it seem like I’m somehow lucky because of this.”
“Aren’t you, though?” Walker replied. “You can punch through walls like they’re made of paper- and not even using your metal arm. You’re practically a walking weapon-”
Bucky held up a hand to stop Walker, silencing him instantly. “Do you even understand how wrong it is for you to say that to me? You know perfectly well what I am. The whole world does. For you to come to me and call me an asset , a weapon … it just proves you’re no better than the people who did this to me.” He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “It proves you’re nothing like Steve.”
Walker shook his head. “No. You’re wrong. I’m better than them.”
“No one is better than Steve,” Bucky said defensively. “No one ever will be.”
“Well, maybe if I had that serum,” Walker said, “I could at least try.”
“You really don’t get it, do you?” Bucky wondered. “You really don’t understand what made him special. It was never about the serum.”
“Of course it was!” Walker protested.
“John,” Hoskins said quietly, “I think we should just-”
“Steve was nobody before the serum,” Walker went on, “And afterwards he was transformed into a leader, a hero, a hero you followed. How can you say it’s not about the serum? That’s literally what makes soldiers super-”
Bucky’s metal arm shot up to grab Walker by the straps on his suit and shake him threateningly. “You know nothing about why I followed Steve. Nothing . You think I only cared about him because of who he was as Captain America? God, people these days don’t seem to be able to separate the man from the legend. You didn’t know Steve. Don’t pretend like you do.”
Walker used his free arm to bat Bucky’s grip off himself. “You think you’re so great just because you were close to him. Because you were the same. I’m just as good as Steve, but you can’t see that, because you’re clouded by selfishness and obsession-”
Before he could finish his sentence, Bucky lunged at him with a well-placed kick to his sternum. Walker went flying backwards, his back slamming into the boiler next to Zemo, who leapt back a little, an intrigued gleam in his eye.
Hoskins didn’t waste a second before striking at Bucky, but Bucky blocked his punch easily and backed him up until he could knock his skull against the concrete walls. Hoskins tried to kick his feet out from under him, but Bucky was stronger and better balanced.
Walker, taking advantage of the distraction Hoskins provided, leapt past Bucky and began sprinting in the direction Sam had gone to find Karli. “Karli isn’t getting away this time!” he called.
Bucky let go of Hoskins immediately, realizing his mistake. He charged after Walker, determined to keep him from getting to Sam before he could change Karli’s mind.
Hoskins raced after Bucky and crashed into his back, knocking them both over. Bucky kicked at his ribs and knocked Hoskins off him before resuming his chase after Walker. However, the man already had a good head start and he was interrupting Sam before Bucky was even within five feet.
“Karli Morgenthau, you’re under arrest,” he declared, stomping into the room. Bucky feebly followed him in, but he knew he was too late.
“This is what that was?” Karli cried, turning to Sam, who was stuttering an excuse. “Tricking me until backup arrived?”
“He is not my backup,” Sam said adamantly.
“You know, I think we’ve had enough time to talk,” Walker decided, ignoring Sam. He approached Karli. “Why don’t you-”
“Nazi!” Karli screamed, throwing a fist at Walker. He blocked the blow with the shield, but he went careening into Sam, and they both fell over a table.
Bucky began to give chase to Karli, but Hoskins was still trying to tackle him. Although the man was really no match for a super soldier of Bucky’s talents, Bucky wasn’t exactly focused on him at the moment.
He pushed Hoskins over and followed Karli to a flight of stairs, copying her every move as she jumped over railings and up walls. However, she was smaller and faster and had the layout of the compound memorized. He lost her very quickly.
He met Sam in a shadowed room, both of them breathing heavily.
“What the hell, man?” Sam panted. “I told you I needed ten minutes!”
“I know,” Bucky muttered.
“Then how the hell did Walker get past you?”
“He baited me,” Bucky admitted. “Started a fight so he could run past me.”
“And you just walked right into his trap?” Sam asked. “I know you hate the guy, but there are lives at stake, Bucky-”
“Look, I’m not proud, okay?” Bucky said loudly. “But he was talking about Steve and I just couldn’t listen to it anymore.”
“Look, we don’t have time for this,” Sam decided. “We’ve got to find Karli and this whole place is a maze.”
“She’ll be headed to one of the back exits,” Bucky reasoned. “She has to be. We came from the front so she has no other direction to go.”
“Okay, fine,” Sam grumbled, clearly still upset at Bucky. “Let’s go. We’ll talk about this later.”
Bucky returned to Zemo’s apartment from a short scouting of the premises to find Zemo resting on the couch after having been nailed in the head with the shield, and Sam busy typing a message to Sharon on his computer.
They were talking about him, that much he could tell by the way they both looked at him when he pushed through the doors. Whatever. He was used to people talking about him behind his back.
“Something’s not right about Walker,” Bucky mumbled.
“You don’t say,” Sam said hostilely, never breaking eye contact with Bucky as he crossed the room and shed his jacket.
“Well, I know a crazy when I see one,” Bucky said. “Because I am crazy.”
“I’ll say,” Sam agreed, standing up to face Bucky. “What the hell happened back there?”
“You’re going to have to be more specific,” Bucky said, taking a sip of the drink he poured himself.
“You just let Walker get to you,” Sam explained. “You let him get you worked up and he got past you. That ruined our chances of reasoning with Karli, Buck. What the hell were you thinking?”
“He wasn’t thinking,” Zemo called from the couch. “I saw him. It was all manic rage and a healthy amount of insanity.”
“You shut up,” Bucky threatened, pointing a harsh finger at Zemo. “No one asked you for your piece.”
“At least he’s actually talking,” Sam said. “You haven’t said a damn thing to explain yourself apart from that Walker was talking about Steve.”
“Do I have to say more?” Bucky demanded. “How do you not understand that that’s enough for me to lose it? I’ve had it just about up to here with you constantly assuming I can just be fine with everything that’s happening without Steve-”
“And I’ve had it just about up to here with you using Steve as an excuse for everything,” Sam fired back, stepping closer. “I get that you two were close, but you’re not the only one who cared about him. He was my friend, too.”
Bucky fisted his hand in the air before beating it gently against his forehead. “God. I’m so tired of this.” He pushed past Sam, marching towards the other room.
“Tired of what?” Sam asked, marching after him. “Me calling you out on your shit? Because you know I’m right. You being his friend doesn’t give you any more right to get upset than it does me. But I’m holding it together because this is bigger than Steve. This is about saving people. When are you going to get that? Steve can’t be your excuse for everything. His absence hurts the rest of us, too, okay? He had lots of friends. You were just one of them.”
Bucky whirled around so fast that Sam barely had time to stop himself from crashing into him. “I am so tired of that word ,” he said.
“What word?” Sam asked. “Friend? You saying you and Steve weren’t friends?”
“No, we were , I just-” Bucky cut himself off, feeling heat behind his eyes. He took a few deep breaths and looked at the floor. “You wouldn’t understand.”
Sam’s demeanor changed from commanding to more comforting. There was the therapist side of him coming to light as the hero side got tucked away for later. “Then help me. I can’t understand unless you tell me what is getting you so worked up.”
Bucky looked up at him, back at the floor, then over at Zemo, who was still watching the confrontation from the couch. “I don’t want him here. He doesn’t need to hear it.”
Sam looked between him and Zemo. “Well, we can’t just leave him alone out here.”
“Au contraire,” Zemo said, “If I’m correct, the eight hours the Dora Milaje gave me are almost up. If I step foot outside this house, I’m likely to be snatched up, so I assure, you, I’m not going anywhere.”
Bucky had nearly forgotten about the eight hour promise. He pushed it to the back of his head. It could wait.
“Fine.” Sam put a gentle hand on Bucky’s right shoulder and started guiding him to the other room. “But if we hear anything suspicious out here, your ass is gonna get it.”
Zemo shrugged innocently as Sam closed the doors behind them. He turned back to Bucky, who was still trying to control his breathing and remain calm.
“We’re alone now,” he said quietly. “So are you ready to tell me what’s going on?”
Bucky pursed his lips. “No.”
“Well then get ready,” Sam said, crossing his arms and sitting on the back of an armchair. “Because you’re going to tell me right now or I’m sending your ass home.”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Bucky reminded him. “You’re not an officer and I’m not military anymore.”
Sam nodded to his neck. “Still wear dog tags, though.”
Bucky put a hand to his collarbone to feel the outline of his tags through his shirt. “They’re Steve’s.”
Sam sighed. “Listen. I know you cared about him. I did too. But the journal, the tags, and everything else… you don’t think you’re trying just a little too hard to hold on to him?”
“You don’t understand,” Bucky said again.
“I’m trying to,” Sam said carefully. “Buck, I was his friend too. You seem to forget that often. I knew him like you did, and I miss him like you do-”
“No you don’t,” Bucky said quickly. “No one knows him like I do. Did. No one misses him like me.”
“Then explain to me why,” Sam said exasperatedly. “I feel like we’re going in circles here, Bucky. You argue with me without giving me a reason. I’m willing to listen, why aren’t you willing to say it?”
Bucky bit the inside of his cheek, thinking. It had been so much easier to admit to it when it had been Sharon; she had already known, and she had initiated it. Bucky had no idea how he was supposed to open up on his own, let alone to Sam. Sam, the guy who had forgiven him every time because he trusted Steve, and Steve trusted Bucky. Would Sam think differently knowing that Bucky had followed Steve for the reasons he did?
“You said you weren’t Steve’s friend,” Sam prompted. “What does that mean?”
“I was his friend,” Bucky said. “I just… I didn’t want to be.”
“Bullshit,” Sam said, deadpan. “You followed him everywhere, and he sacrificed everything for you. You two were practically inseparable. Attached at the hip. So don’t tell me you didn’t want to be his friend.”
Honestly, Bucky was surprised that Sam hadn’t guessed the truth from the clues Bucky had given him. Sam was intelligent and clever, and should have been able to figure out what Bucky meant. But he supposed even in this day and age, heteronormativity was stronger than any hints he could drop.
“You wouldn’t understand,” he said for the third time, looking at his boots. The words were inadequate for what he meant; he wanted to tell Sam that admitting to the truth was just as bad as confirming that Steve didn’t want him, that he had cared for Steve above everything and that Steve hadn’t afforded him the same courtesy. He wanted to tell Sam that no matter what words Bucky said, they would always be too tame for the way he felt about Steve, the way he had always felt. He wanted to tell Sam that he had always had Steve, as a child then as a teenager then as an adult, and for the first time ever he had to function without him, and it was ruining him day by day. But how could he? How could he do that, and be vulnerable again, without cracking for good?
“I am sick of hearing that,” Sam said. “You are going to tell me what you’re not, and you’re going to do it right now, because I need to know.”
“You don’t need to know anything.”
“Bucky, it’s getting in the way of the mission and people are getting hurt, so you need to tell me.”
“Just stop.” He started walking towards the door again. “This was a mistake. You wouldn’t understand anything I said-”
Sam intercepted him before he could reach the exit. “Bucky, just be honest with me-”
“Stop-”
“I’m trying to help-”
“Sam, stop it-”
“Just be honest !”
“I can’t ! Just stop trying-”
“Bucky, I want to help you, but I can't if you won’t tell me anything-”
“Stop-”
“Just tell me-”
“I loved him!” Bucky exploded, pushing Sam off him and stumbling backwards, the words sucking every ounce of air from his lungs. He had shouted that so loudly that Zemo had probably heard him. “Alright? Are you happy, now I’ve said it? Now that you’ve gotten my big confession? I loved him, alright?”
Sam paused, caught off guard for once. He froze where he stood between Bucky and the door, his mouth opening and shutting in confusion. “What?”
“And no, maybe that’s not an excuse to act like the goddamn disaster I am right now, but I don’t care,” Bucky went on. “I love him and I miss him and just when I thought maybe we had a chance at the happy ending I always wanted, he chose her .” He pointed in some vague direction, not sure why. Peggy Carter was nowhere near them, in any direction. “He always chose her , because of course he did, why would he ever choose me-”
He tried to take another breath, and found his throat was closing in on itself. His eyes were probably red by now, but no tears were coming. His anger and desperation were so hot he had burned them all away.
Sam planted both hands on Bucky’s shoulders to steady him as he swayed. “Bucky, I-”
“Yeah, and so now you know,” Bucky interrupted him. “I’m a homosexual, I’m queer, whatever you want to call it-”
“Bucky,” Sam said more firmly. “You need to breathe.”
Bucky exhaled sharply through his nose, finding it harder to draw breath than to release it. “I’m sorry, Sam. I’ve been acting like such an asshole, I just…”
He swayed a little too violently to stay upright, and his knees buckled. He toppled into the nearest wall and sank to the floor, his hands coming up to scratch at the sides of his face. Sam followed him to the floor, kneeling beside him.
“I really miss him,” Bucky whispered. “And I’ve never had to live without him. And I’m so scared of who I’m going to be without him. My existence revolved around him. It still does. And he was never going to love me back.”
Sam didn’t reply, choosing to rub Bucky calmly on the back.
“And now everyone talks to me as if I should just move on with my life,” Bucky continued. “As if it were that easy. I know I’ve been an asshole about you, about the shield, about Walker, but seeing someone else trying to replace Steve, or seeing you throw away his shield like it meant nothing… That shield is the most of him that’s left, Sam. He won’t even talk to me anymore. I don’t even know if he’s alive anymore. I need you to take that shield back, Sam, because every second it’s in Walker’s hands I’m just reminded of how alone Steve really left me.”
“Wow,” Sam breathed. “You’ve been keeping all that in this whole time?”
“How could I tell anyone?” Bucky huffed. “How could I tell Steve? Even if he was still talking to me, I could never… I could never tell him that. That I loved him. I couldn’t do it.”
“Look,” Sam said gently, “I… am not going to say I get it. Because I don’t, and I understand that now. I don’t know what you’re going through. I have no frame of reference to empathize with you, so I won’t try. I’m not going to patronize you, Buck.”
Bucky smiled up at him, feebly but gratefully.
“But,” Sam said, “We do still have a job. So now that I know this, I’ll do my best to support you how I can. But we still have lives to save, people to defend. When this is over, I promise I will help you with whatever you need to be healthy again. As much as I hate to admit it, you are my friend. Whether you’re in love with Steve or anyone else, you’re still my friend. You being queer doesn’t change a thing, except now I know how to better respect you. I need you to afford me the same courtesy. Respect that I need you at the best you can be to do what we gotta do and stop Karli from hurting more people.”
Bucky nodded weakly, pushing himself off the floor. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah. I’ll try.”
“Thanks,” Sam said, getting up as well. “Now, we’ve got a job to do. Are you ready to do it?”
Bucky nodded, wiping under his eyes with his right hand. “Thanks, Sam.”
He felt empty inside, still. He felt like everything had been sucked out of him, leaving him an emotionless mess. But somehow, it didn’t feel bad. He felt numb, but not in a painful way. The world hadn’t ended. He hadn’t imploded. He’d just told Sam the truth. And things were different now, but he could get used to this. To not feeling like there was a black hole inside him. To just feeling like air. And hopefully, one day, to feeling like more than this.
Sam gave him a warm smile. “Yeah, man. Anytime. Now, come on, let’s make sure Zemo hasn’t broken out through the vents yet.”
They reentered the living room, and Zemo was sipping from his glass, looking bored. “You two certainly took your time,” he commented. “Have a good therapy session?”
Sam opened his mouth to reply, probably with something equally as smarmy.
Unfortunately for all parties involved, Walker simply had to interrupt the conversation. And the Dora Milaje just had to choose that exact time to get involved.
Bucky could pocket all of his feelings for now. There were larger matters at hand.
He knew, later that day. Perhaps he had always known, but he realized it then, in a moment of clarity and horror.
Walker stood in that square, breathing heavily, helmet and suit splattered with blood. The shield on his arm was even more covered in it; a gruesome splash of red and red and more red, it was dripping, and Bucky could have sworn the shield itself was bleeding-
And it was in this moment that he realized. Walker had tainted the shield so much that there was nothing left of Steve in it.
Steve’s shield was well and truly destroyed.
All that was left was Captain America’s shield, drenched in blood and gore and desperation.