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At first, it only starts with a flinch.
It's small and irrelevant and Xie Lian thinks nothing of it. He passes by Hua Cheng who's hunched over the monthly accounts of the Gambler's Den, scribbling nonsensical, chaotic lines that seem to make sense only to him, with an ink redder than blood. Xie Lian catches a much more neat handwriting on the page, and pleas to Chengzhu catalogued in even columns. Hua Cheng scratches out some of them, ones he deems unimportant, and leaves dots of ink next to those he thinks are reasonable.
Xie Lian's hand touches the bared skin of Hua Cheng's neck, brushing his hair away as he passes, and the ghost flinches, his muscles tensing. Xie Lian smiles at that, his fingers lingering on Hua Cheng's cold nape, before he's out of touch.
“I'm going up for a while,” he says. When Hua Cheng turns his head to look at him, Xie Lian presents him the scrolls stuffed under his arm. These are to be brought back to Ling Wen.
Hua Cheng leans towards Xie Lian slightly, raising his chin a bit higher in a subtle, silent plea. Xie Lian catches it, of course, and backtracks a few steps to press his lips to Hua Cheng's briefly.
“I'll be back.”
“Mm,” Hua Cheng hums in response.
For a long while after, he stares at the door, raising his hand to touch the back if his neck softly. Then, he shakes his head and turns back to his work, and his expression betrays nothing.
Then, there is a gasp.
A quiet one, the kind of a gasp that Xie Lian would never catch, hadn't he been so close to Hua Cheng already.
It's endearing, how easy it is to spook his big, bad, Ghost King when he's not on guard, he thinks, and smiles a bit, his lips tingling as he pulls away.
“Thank you,” he says sweetly, shaking the folded robe out. “It's even whiter than when I bought it, San Lang is truly amazing!”
Hua Cheng doesn't answer. Xie Lian lowers his clothes a bit to look at him and catches Hua Cheng's hand retracting from his lip in a haze. He blinks himself out of it quickly and smirks.
“Tried my best for Gege,” he says smugly, going around Xie Lian to hug him from behind.
“It's perfect,” Xie Lian says, still quite astonished. Hua Cheng grunts at that, pointy chin digging into Xie Lian's shoulder.
“It's passable,” he corrects. “Until Gege finally lets me buy him something better than this.”
“I fear that if I ever agree, San Lang will dress me up in some festive royal attire,” Xie Lian jokes, a laugh bubbling out of his chest. “Look at this, I only ask San Lang to do the laundry and he comes back with a miracle.”
“I'm pretty good in miracles in case Gege wants anything else to be done,” Hua Cheng teases and presses a firm kiss to Xie Lian's cheek. Then, his arms slowly let go on Xie Lian's waist. “I don't want to rush Gege, but it'll get dark soon, and we were supposed to go pick those berries to make the stuffing for the steamed buns tomorrow?”
“Ah,” Xie Lian murmurs. “Ah, yes. I'm coming, I'll just go take my hat!”
Out of the corner of his eye, Xie Lian manages to notice Hua Cheng looking at him with a puzzled expression. When he retrieves his hat and looks at him fully though, there is just a smile on his face and a hand extended for Xie Lian to take.
Then, there are wide eyes. Both of them gape at him for a split second when he sits in Hua Cheng's lap in Puji, and then a few days later, his single one does the same in Paradise Manor. Xie Lian realizes that each time he touches Hua Cheng, when he strokes his hand, or clings to his arm when walking through the forest, or kisses him on the cheek, something happens.
At first Xie Lian found it endearing, then slightly odd, but now he's just worried. He understands this, to a point because Hua Cheng's touch is always exciting, always so important, but Hua Cheng's reactions seem, for someone like him, almost violent. It takes a lot for anything to slip through Hua Cheng's carefully sculpted expressions if he doesn't want it to, and those things don't seem like something he would willingly show.
It seems as if he's... scared.
Which is, frankly, ridiculous because Xie Lian can't think of a scenario where Hua Cheng could be scared of him. About him, of course, always, but of Xie Lian?
There is another reason, he knows. Something he doesn't see.
And so, Xie Lian observes. Surveys.
Xie Lian, as it turns out, is quite an affectionate person. After a few lifetimes of misery, a loving touch feels ecstatic, and so, Xie Lian learns to lean into it. Of course he didn't notice at first, he think, because it never happens when Hua Cheng touches him. And Xie Lian, an old and hesitant creature he is, only absorbs it all like a sponge at first. Then slowly, he starts reaching out.
Maybe Hua Cheng prefers to be the one in control, he thinks. Maybe it's a thing of the past because life didn't spare either of them, and Xie Lian knows Hua Cheng hates his own vulnerability to death. But—
But Xie Lian can't believe it. He would, and he could, if it wasn't for Hua Cheng looking so genuinely happy whenever Xie Lian is the one to show him some affection. His face is beaming and his eye is bright and if anything, Xie Lian only wants to touch him more.
Maybe it's not about touching, he thinks and starts to explore that thought thoroughly.
It's hard at first, because Xie Lian isn't good with his words. He would say he prefers to take action but that isn't quite right as well, for Xie Lian can give kind words and provide a reassuring touch, or solve matters with a sword, not... this.
What Xie Lian isn't good at is, precisely, romance. He knows how to reply at unwanted flirting to leave the other person with their honor in tact, he knows how to deny things politely. He doesn't know what to do when the flirting is, very much, wanted. Desired even.
Luckily, he got blessed with loving Hua Cheng. Sweet, caring Hua Cheng, who makes things so much easier and gives Xie Lian as much reassurance as needed, at all times.
Xie Lian wants to reassure him, too. He doesn't want to ask, until he makes an effort to understand by himself. And an effort he makes.
At first his attempts are a bit pathetic. He compliments things Hua Cheng does, his diligence and skillfulness but no reaction comes. These though, are the words Xie Lian could direct at anyone. Did direct them at Hua Cheng back when they met in the ox cart, when he knew nothing about him and didn't feel any kind of way towards him. What he needs are the words he wouldn't speak to anyone else. Things he doesn't think about anyone else.
And so, Xie Lian tries. He starts off subtly. He voices his thoughts, those reserved for Hua Cheng only, those that are still neutral but it's only his husband who make him think those.
“San Lang has lovely hands,” he says once when Hua Cheng practices his handwriting under Xie Lian's supervision. The ghost smiles sweetly.
“Not as lovely as Gege's” is all he says.
This is not what Xie Lian had in mind.
“Your hair is so soft,” he says some other time, when they are getting ready for bed.
“I know. Gege washed them tonight, after all,” he says.
Xie Lian frowns.
“I love it when you kiss me like that,” is the first thing he says that gets this reaction. A shiver, small and subdued. Before Xie Lian can think about it any longer though, he's being kissed again, and he forgets how to think.
“You're beautiful.”
He says that one in bed, with Hua Cheng filling him up, with their passion still thrumming in his veins and haze settling over his mind.
Hua Cheng is still above him. He stopped trembling mere seconds ago but Xie Lian's words throw him off balance and he shivers once more, from head to toe. His eye widens and he looks at Xie Lian as if he put the stars on the sky, as if he's the sole reason the sun rises each morning and sets each night.
It's a crime that it's only the second time Xie Lian says it. The first time he did was the first time Hua Cheng took off his eye patch and Xie Lian was starstruck with his bare face. But Hua Cheng is beautiful always, at any given time, and he needs to know that.
“It's Gege who's the most b—”
Before he's able to finish, Xie Lian places his fingers on his lips, stopping the rest of his sentence before it gets out.
“No, don't say that,” Xie Lian frowns. “Don't make this about me again.”
Hua Cheng purses his lips firmly.
“Let me say it, and focus on what I say,” Xie Lian breathes quietly in the space between them. “You're beautiful. The most beautiful person I've ever seen.”
Hua Cheng's lips twitch. He looks at Xie Lian intently for a long time, before pulling his hand away. Then, it's only a matter of seconds before he kisses Xie Lian so hard it leaves him breathless.
It's deep into the night when Xie Lian finally asks. He doesn't understand and it's driving him crazy because he so desperately wants to. It's been days with Xie Lian getting bolder in his praise, more comfortable with initiating touches and kisses, and he still doesn't understand. Those reactions don't fade and Xie Lian doesn't get a conclusion.
Finally, he pulls Hua Cheng to bed. He had a rough day, and the Heavens annoyed him and he wants to feel his husband close, wants his lips and his sweet praises, and his body, and so, he climbs on Hua Cheng's lap, kisses him stupid and tugs his clothes off. E-Ming rattles like crazy in his scabbard and Hua Cheng trembles with every single touch, until he finally hoists Xie Lian up, takes him to bed and loves him until the dimmed daylight of Ghost City turns into deep black of the night.
Xie Lian blinks himself awake not much longer after he passed out. Few hours maybe, judging by the sting in his hips that already managed to turn itself into a dull ache, a reminder of a sweet, long lovemaking.
He reaches out blindly, pats around the bed to find Hua Cheng's chest and scoot himself closer to it, but he feels nothing else than the cold bedsheets. At that he rubs his eyes blearily and looks around the room.
Hua Cheng is still in bed. Sitting up, just out of reach, hunched down on himself with their thin blanket pooling around his hips. Xie Lian wants to touch his hand, reaches out for it and pauses, upon seeing it fisted tightly, so tightly it trembles.
Xie Lian pushes himself up. He grunts quietly at the ache in his lower half but doesn't dwell on it and scoots closer to Hua Cheng.
His husband doesn't notice, deep into his thoughts.
When Xie Lian leans forward to press a lingering kiss to the back of his neck, Hua Cheng makes a short, aborted noise, somewhere deep in his throat.
“What is it?” He asks, finally. “San Lang, what bothers you? I tried to understand, but I don't.”
“It's... nothing,” Hua Cheng says, shaking his head. His voice sounds odd, throaty and shaky. “Gege should go back to sleep, he's tired.”
“You know I won't,” Xie Lian sighs, slumping against Hua Cheng's back. He circles one of his arms around Hua Cheng's waist, kisses his shoulder, the side of his neck. Hua Cheng tenses.
“I know,” Hua Cheng nods. When he says his next words, his voice sounds incredibly small. “Because you love me.”
Xie Lian pauses. He raises his eyebrows, studying that tiny bit of Hua Cheng's face that's visible from this angle and decides to kiss him again.
“Of course,” he says. Then a thought strikes him and he gasps, horrified. “Oh, San Lang, did you doubt it?”
And before Hua Cheng has a chance to say anything, Xie Lian starts to scatter those small, loving kisses all around his shoulder.
“No!” Hua Cheng jumps as if burned. He turns around suddenly to look at Xie Lian, but then as if he remembered something he turns back again. It's enough for Xie Lian to notice.
“San Lang, are you...?”
“Yeah,” Hua Cheng sniffles once, rubbing at his face. “It's nothing bad, Gege, I s-swear,” he stammers. Then, in a whisper, he adds, “Damn it.”
“But then—”
“I never doubted you,” Hua Cheng says. “Never. Not for a moment.”
“Then, what? San Lang, look at me. What's wrong?”
“I can't look at Gege right now,” he laughed wetly. “I can admit I'm crying. But I don't want you to see.”
At that Xie Lian sighs deeply. Decisively, he turns away from Hua Cheng, sits down and leans against his husband, back to back.
“I'm not looking,” he says firmly.
“Gege is too much tonight,” Hua Cheng laughs. He sniffles again. Then, clears his throat. And yet, when he speaks, it's not the confident, deep voice Xie Lian expected. Instead, he whispers, his tone exasperated.
“You took me to bed!” He hisses quietly. Xie Lian flushes bright red, but hums in acknowledgement. He feels it when Hua Cheng shakes his head. Feels it when he laughs again. “You love me,” he says with raw wonder in his voice.
“I love you,” Xie Lian nods. “Didn't I tell you? San Lang, we're married.”
“I believed you, always,” Hua Cheng's voice breaks. He clears his throat again. “But I don't believe it now.”
And before Xie Lian can even feel the horror grip at his heart, Hua Cheng adds, “Because I know it. And once you know something, you don't believe it. Because you already know it's true. Gege, does that make sense?”
Xie Lian huffed out a relieved laugh.
“Barely. But I still don't understand.”
“I don't think you will,” Hua Cheng murmurs. “But, I'll tell you.”
Then, he leans back against Xie Lian, rests his head on Xie Lian's and sighs. Xie Lian pats around the mattress. Finds Hua Cheng's hand. Curls his fingers around it.
“This is a little different for Gege than it is for me,” Hua Cheng admits. He squeezes his hand, “This, I mean. What I have with Gege.”
“How so?” Xie Lian asks.
“Two years ago, you didn't even know I exist,” Hua Cheng chuckles. “But I already loved you back then. Ten, fifty, eight hundred years ago, I already loved you. I grew up loving you, Gege, and I was always dreaming about—” he shakes his head, “not even this. I just wanted you to smile at me. And nothing else. But you know me already, you know I'm greedy, and so I eventually wanted to be allowed to touch you. Be with you and hold you and I wanted you to enjoy my touch, too.”
Xie Lian smiles warmly, his heart full and fluttering.
“And you have it all,” he says.
“I do but,” he sighs. Pauses for a second. Gathers his thoughts. “But I never thought that Gege would want to reach out for me on his own accord. I don't ask, but you kiss me. I don't do anything, but you hold me. I just am, and Gege... Sorry, this is quite pathetic but I'm so happy I don't know what to do.
“Not only that, but also, ever since you hugged me as a child on Mount Taicang, I was never touched like this after. I only touched people when I fought with them, Gege.”
“Oh, San Lang,” Xie Lian sighs, stroking his thumb across Hua Cheng's knuckles.
“It sounded more pitiful than I wanted it to,” Hua Cheng huffs and Xie Lian laughs shortly. “This is... awfully embarrassing.”
“I'm happy you told me,” Xie Lian says softly. “I never thought you would tell me something like this.”
“Me neither,” Hua Cheng laughs. “But you make me feel comfortable. Gege, it... feels good to tell you things.”
Xie Lian feels something tickling his cheek. Something small, wet and cold. Something that doesn't belong to him.
He bites his lip thoughtfully, and takes a deep breath. He holds it in, just for a little while, thinking about what he's about to say. Then, he lets go, and the dam breaks.
“I really like San Lang's hands. I meant it when I said that. Because... they feel good on me. And when you crafted that door for me, back in Puji shrine, I thought it's... pardon me, quite hot, that those hands of yours can simply do such things as if it was nothing.”
At that, Hua Cheng chokes. His fingers twitch against Xie Lian and he jumps slightly where he's sitting.
“Gege?!”
“And-and your hair is always soft! Not only when I wash it!”
“Ah, Gege, wait—”
“And I really do think you're beautiful,” he continues, against Hua Cheng's scandalized gasps. “I'm not just saying that, and I don't want you to say it back. Because San Lang deserves to be appreciated. And because it's true. And I prefer to see your eye without the patch on. Though its scarred, though you hate it, I love it so much, and when I—” he takes a deep breath, cheeks colouring red, “And when San Lang is not here and I'm in the mood, it's your real face that I think of, not any other!”
At that, something in Hua Cheng snaps. He turns around in a flash and pushes Xie Lian down, and Xie Lian has only enough time to shut his eyes tight before Hua Cheng kisses him desperately on the lips.
Xie Lian hears the sound of something ripping apart, and the only thing Hua Cheng is still wearing is his eye patch. Sure enough, Xie Lian feels the snapped string tickle his cheek, before Hua Cheng throws it away.
When they part, Xie Lian has to pant for breath. The kiss felt salty and wet, and Xie Lian laughs, giddy and amazing.
“Gege,” Hua Cheng whines. “Gege, your eyes are closed. You can't tell me I'm beautiful and refuse to look.”
“San Lang didn't want me to look,” Xie Lian reminds him.
Hua Cheng laughs. Xie Lian feels Hua Cheng's tears fall on his cheeks, and then their lips meet again, briefly this time.
“You silly, silly man, gods, I love you so much. Look at me,” he cups Xie Lian's face. “And never look away,” he adds jokingly.
Xie Lian does. He looks at his husband, at his red-rimmed eyes, sunken eyelid and damp cheeks, at his furrowed brows and desperately happy expression. He wipes a tear from his chin and smiles at him brightly.
“San Lang was very right,” he says.
“Hmm?”
“That was, indeed, embarrassing,” Xie Lian admits. It makes Hua Cheng laugh, and it's a warm, quiet thing.
“I know,” he agrees easily. “But if we're already like this tonight, Gege, let me get one more thing out of the way.”
“What is it?” Xie Lian asks, throwing his arms around Hua Cheng's neck comfortably.
“There is something I want to do,” Hua Cheng murmurs as he leans down to nose up Xie Lian's jaw. “Pray Lian-Er doesn't mind.”
Xie Lian's eyes widen. He gasps with delight and presses Hua Cheng close to his chest, mindful of the smile he feels on his neck.
It was the first time Hua Cheng ever said his name. Before, Xie Lian wondered if he maybe didn't want to, and then if he maybe didn't dare, and now when he finally did, Xie Lian feels that they made a huge step forward tonight.
“Was... that it?” Xie Lian asks, fingers tangling into Hua Cheng's hair.
“En.”
“Well,” Xie Lian mutters, closing his eyes with contentment. “Better late than never.”
“Sorry I kept Lian-Er waiting for so long,” Hua Cheng murmurs, pressing his lips to Xie Lian's neck.
“Mm, I don't mind,” Xie Lian replies with a chuckle. “Husband and I have forever for such things.”
When Xie Lian wakes up the next morning, for a brief moment he thinks this whole night is merely a dream. The space next to him is empty, except for an uneven piece of paper.
Kitchen — is all it says, and it takes a few good seconds for Xie Lian to decipher. And so, to the kitchen he goes, dressed messily, with his hair in disarray, and as he walks in he catches the sight of Feng Xin and Mu Qing by the table, drinking tea and then...
And then he sees his San Lang, gorgeous and so oddly pliant with the other two present in the room, unhurriedly making breakfast. Presumably, only for Xie Lian.
Their eyes meet almost immediately and Hua Cheng smiles sweetly and speaks up, and with those words Xie Lian knows that he had a dreamless night.
“Good morning, Lian-Er.”
(Upon hearing that, Feng Xin promptly chokes on his tea.)