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Often times, it slips Kakashi’s mind that he is alive. Forgets that he is a living, breathing human and not just a sharp weapon kept as a memento. A pillar of stone with its roots dug deep into Konoha land, only existing to remember his loved ones, to honor their memory.
A blade out of time gripping onto the present only through its worth of killing in the name of the village.
Kakashi only exists to keep Konoha safe, to protect the village whose dirt his pack grew up in, who’s forests they loved, who’s honor they died for.
It does not take much for Kakashi to come back to himself and remember the present though. A wind carrying the smell of cold soba Urakoshi-san’s shop is known for, the sound of kunais coming together from the practice grounds,
Gai.
“Eternal Rival! I am here on this beautiful day at this youthful time of noon as you asked of me!”
Kakashi let his lips twitch into a smile, knowing the mask would cover it. He’s never hidden much from Gai anyhow.
“Gai,” he acknowledges. “I had news to tell you.”
The man sits down next to him on the wooden bench, his green suit blinding. His hand rests close to his just as always.
“Oho! Is this about the rumors going around of you, dear rival? Anko asked me of them just this morning, though it was not youthful of her at all!”
Kakashi blinked in surprise only for a moment, before letting out a small huff of laughter.
“You can drop the act, Gai.”
Gai frowns heavily but a mirthful look from Kakashi is all it takes for the man to settle. “I was…curious,” he accepts, “ANBU talk of you being upset with the Hokage. What is going on, rival?”
Kakashi sighs softly.
“Kakashi, you must speak freely. We are eternal rivals, there are no secrets between us.”
It was always slightly disconcerting for people to see Gai be serious, or worse, quiet. But never Kakashi, he’s seen the boy grow from a shy, quiet boy into the bright man he is today. Kakashi knows his subtle observance and limitless patience like he knows his own mind.
“There are certain facts that have become known to me,” Kakashi choses his words slowly.
“Is that why there are so many seals around us and none a person, rival?” Gai laughs.
Kakashi doesn’t disagree. “You know who I got this from, Gai?” He points towards his covered eye.
Gai tenses for a second like he always does when talk of Obito comes up. There could’ve been something there, Kakashi thinks, but friendship with Gai was more precious to him.
Now, he’s his best friend; his rock.
“Sasuke told me that receiving the Sharingan as a non-Uchiha is their highest forms of love, recognized by clan laws as marriage vows in cases.”
Gai listened silently.
“It was not right of them to keep this knowledge from me, much less deprive Sasuke of a family. And so, I…-”
“And so, you took him in?”
Kakashi nodded.
Gai looks at him then, his eyes soft and smile sad. “That was very hip and cool of you, rival. But that’s not what’s bothering you.”
Kakashi slips off the bench then. The area around them is quiet, Kakashi knows they will not be heard by outside ears.
“The Hokage is hiding something big,” Kakashi finally whispers the words swimming inside his head since the talk with Sasuke. Something had not been right, but Kakashi hadn’t questioned it, had had faith.
[He’d never been too good at not holding all the cards he could find. “Curious little wolf”, his father used to call him.]
Gai’s voice answers from behind him, firm in his belief. He’d always been the most loyal of them all. “The Hokage holds many a secret and his shoulders weigh with burdens- “
“-with burdens the simple men know nothing of. We must give him our blood and soul, that great man, who suffers in the name of Konoha.” Kakashi finished. “Yes, Gai, I know.”
“Then what weighs your mind, rival?”
Kakashi turns around, finds no malice in Gai’s eyes, only confusion. The evening sky is turning darker and Kakashi must return to his apartment, Sasuke and Naruto await him.
Kakashi is tired of keeping quiet.
“The Uchiha descended from the great beasts who breathed fire. They lived on high mountains, painted their black eyes red, and when their Gods demanded, they descended on land,” Kakashi recites Sasuke’s words.
It was the least he could do for Obito and Sasuke, learn their legends and values.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Kakashi asks. Gai doesn’t answer, lets him speak on and on when he’s like this. “It struck out at me, because the Hatake are not originally from Konoha. Did you know that? We came from far south, where our hair matched the snow of the land and our clan lived as wolves did.”
“And?” Gai prompts.
“A very sad end to a grand story, is it not?”
Silence permeates in the clearing. It is a being of its own, wriggling and ugly in the space around them.
“Kakashi,” Gai finally breathes.
But Kakashi cannot stop. He is a horse with its head cut off, charging ahead blindly, destroying something that can never be fixed.
Kakashi doesn’t know what that something is yet, but it’s fragile, meant to be kept safe.
[His faith, his mind responds like a traitor]
“After the clan massacre, there was no one to remember or know, except Hokage-sama.”
Gai catches on, he always did with Kakashi, “And Hokage-sama didn’t want you to take in Sasuke?”
Kakashi shakes his head. No. There is something more here, he is certain. It’s right at the edge of his mind, just slightly out of reach.
The Massacre. Sasuke. Clans. The Hokage keeping Secrets. The Hokage. Secrets.
Secrets. Secrets. Secretssecretssecretsecrets.
“Kakashi?”
Kakashi looks up, swallows, “Before coming to meet with you, Gai. I had to report to Hokage-sama about telling the kids about this.”
“What did he say?” Gai’s voice is soft as if speaking any louder would shatter this fragile atmosphere they’ve found themselves in.
At the cusp of something huge, Kakashi can practically taste it.
And what is he, if not a hound?
“That isn't important,” Kakashi waves his hand. “I asked him if I could get access to the Uchiha Clan documents if I am to act as a head until Sasuke is of age.”
In the background, Kakashi could hear Gai ask, “You’re the Uchiha Clan Head?!”, but Kakashi’s mind was running too fast to bother answering.
Right. What were his truths and which were his theories?
Truth: Kakashi was not told of the Secret.
Theory: Kakashi was not welcome in the clan? Or, did people want him to stay on as a Hatake only? Keep legacy of White Fang alive? No, father was still disgraced then. Was he originally welcome in the Clan then? Or not?
Gai and his steady gaze gave no answers, so Kakashi looks inward again. Gai can wait, he’s indulgent like that.
Truth: Sarutobi does not want Kakashi to have access to the Uchiha Clan Documents.
Theory: Kept for Sasuke’s eyes only? Seals allowing only an Uchiha access? Not appropriate procedure?
Another thought creeps in his mind. It slips in his brain like a centipede, just as slimy and disgusting. Kakashi can’t believe he’s entertaining it.
[But.]
“Gai?” Kakashi continues when Gai hums in acknowledgement, “Gai, what if the documents contain something I’m not to see?”
Gai frowns in thought, “They’re another clan's, of course, they’re not for your eyes, Rival.”
“No, no. The most important ones will be kept somewhere hidden in the compound. The ones in Hokage towers speak mostly of the Uchiha and anything linking them to village, meetings with Hokage, and other things.”
Gai patted his shoulder, “Are you sure you’re not seeing too much in this matter, Rival? You know you have a tendency to do this.”
Kakashi cannot help but bristle at the dismissal.
Gai smiles at him then, the orange sun casting shadows on his face, and Kakashi's ire disappears. Gai just wants his best, he knows first hand the spiral Kakashi descended into after Minato Sensei and Kushina were gone in one night.
Trying to find meaning in nothing was a specialty, anything to escape the crushing guilt, Kakashi supposes.
“Perhaps, you're right,” Kakashi sighs.
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Still.
Kakashi can’t empty his head the whole way back home. It’s a Hatake curse, a wolf’s fate; he cannot ignore a hunt after having caught sight of prey.
And there are too many holes in this ship, it’s more water than wood.
The sky’s already set by the time Kakashi sets foot outside his apartment building, he wonders if Sasuke was able to stop Naruto from emptying his wallet by ordering ramen.
It eases his worries. Thinking of his students in his house, getting up to Kami knows what trouble.
One of them is missing still. Kakashi makes a mental note to talk to Sakura’s mother about a joint arrangement, hopefully the single parent doesn’t take offence.
The step creaks under Kakashi’s feet, if Naruto didn’t rig the whole building with traps in the time Kakashi was gone, he would start praying again from gratitude.
“Kakashi Sensei!” the door opens before he could unlock the lock and Kushina’s face smiles up at him. Kakashi blinks away the old ghost to see Naruto. He has something resembling a boiled vegetable stuck in his hair, Kakashi wisely decides to not ask.
“Oi teme! Sensei is back, you better make sure my soup doesn’t burn!”
Naruto doesn’t waste a moment in pushing Kakashi in the direction of his bathroom. The hallway is surprisingly clean, the mask wearing ninja can sniff the slightest hint of fish cooking.
“Sensei, you go in and change now! We’ve made dinner, so you better come eat it quick, okay? No reading those perverted old man books of yours!”
“Did you cook food, Naruto? And not just ramen?” Kakashi teases.
Naruto doesn’t disappoint, flushing red. “Ramen is the best ever food to exist! But Sasuke said we should cook some vegetables.”
Kakashi can’t stop a giggle when Sasuke’s voice shouts back from the kitchen, “You’re so short because you only survive on trash, dobe!”
“You just wanted to eat tomatoes, teme!”
Kakashi lets the door softly close, sounds of bickering continue behind the thick wood.
Kakashi can remember the last time he had his house full of noise like this. Minato sensei at a loss of how to handle a traumatized kid had gone to Kushina for help. The red head had blown a fuse on learning that 9-year-old Kakashi lived alone, gathered his teammates and teacher, and shown up at his door to cook them a family dinner.
Obito had broken three plates while setting the table, Kushina had made too much food and blocked the washing sink, Minato had snooped around. She had healed all the knife cuts gone around during the chaos and gifted him a katsudon recipe.
Kakashi of the present presses his forehead against the door, and prays that this pack doesn’t get taken from him.
When he enters the kitchen, freshly bathed and smiling—Sasuke pretending to not be pleased by their compliments, Naruto flicking away the peas—he has a new resolve.
Gai might be right about his paranoid nature, but some digging is still in order.
Kakashi will take no chances with these kids under his name now.
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