Chapter Text
“Come on, roomdog.” The pads Brett had placed on Cruz’s chest shocked him for the third time, finally producing a rhythm.
“Get him in the rig! Violet, you’re driving. Radio med, let them know what we’ve got.” That included letting them know it was a firefighter being brought in. The doctors and nurses at Med gave every patient their all but when it was a first responder, they always managed to find that little bit of extra urgency and focus.
As she hopped in the back she felt Matt’s hand squeeze her arm and gave him a tight smile that she knew looked more like a grimace. The doors closed and Casey banged on them twice. The engine roared to life and the sirens blared as Violet began navigating the streets of Chicago en route to Med.
Brett had done this before. With Borelli. With Stella. With Otis. As she’d done with the others, she said a silent prayer as she continued to monitor Cruz’s vitals as Violet counted down each minute left until they got to Med.
The other three Squad members were more or less out of the woods having been rescued by Squad 2. Severide would need a once-over from a doctor at the hospital as a precaution and Capp and Tony would need to be monitored for a few hours but there was no reason they wouldn’t be sleeping in their own beds tonight. The same couldn’t be said for Cruz who lay intubated and unconscious in the back of 61.
“One minute out!” called Violet.
Soon enough Ambo 61 came to a halt and Violet rushed around the side of the ambulance and opened the back doors, assisting Brett in getting the stretcher out. Halstead and Choi were already at the doors for the handover as Brett fired off Cruz’s stats and vitals.
As he was whisked away for assessment, Brett felt the steady hand of Boden on her shoulder. Casey had called to inform him of the situation but by the time he was almost at Navy Pier he’d got the call to say Cruz was being taken to Med and the other three members of Squad were conscious and seemingly in okay shape. He’d immediately changed direction and headed for the hospital.
“Brett, we need to let Chloe know. You’re the closest to her out of everyone at 51, how do you think we should do it?”
Chloe. Brett closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her friend was eight months pregnant, looking forward to her baby shower and was now going to receive the crushing news that her husband, the father of her unborn child, was in critical condition.
She gathered herself quickly, helped by Boden’s ever-calming presence. It was times like this that made her appreciate the Chief more than ever. Nobody else had his presence, his quiet dignity, his ability to say so much with so few words.
“I’m going to go to her work. She shouldn’t be told this over the phone, especially not when she’s pregnant, and she told me a few days ago she’s stopped driving because it’s too uncomfortable for her now so she won’t have a way of getting here.”
“Take my buggy.” He handed her the keys and told her where it was parked. She sprinted out of Med, running past the crews of 51, who were finishing up at a house fire when they got the news, and 81 at the entrance.
“Chief’s already here,” she told them as she continued to sprint for Boden’s buggy. She briefly made eye contact with Casey and could see the look of dread and fear in his eyes. She wished she could split herself in half and stay with him but right now Chloe needed her more.
-------------------------
Brett knew she was doing the right thing by getting Chloe but it also gave her too much time to think. She felt an overwhelming sadness for Chloe and a tremendous amount of guilt. Brett had been the one to encourage Chloe to think again about breaking up with Joe after she’d freaked out about marrying a man with a dangerous job.
Rationally Brett knew Chloe was an adult who had ultimately decided any pain caused by Joe’s job would be worth it for the love and happiness she experienced with him. She was by no means blind or ignorant to the consequences of the job, after all she’d been there to help Lily pick up the pieces after Otis’ death. But having it happen to you was bound to be different to seeing it happen to someone else.
Brett managed to make it to Chloe’s work in 20 minutes and took a couple of deep, steadying breaths before she headed in. She was in turmoil but she wasn’t going to let that show in front of Chloe. Stepping into the lift, she pressed the button for Chloe’s floor. It seemed like an eternity had passed when the ding finally sounded to let Brett know she’d reached her destination.
She walked over to the receptionist. “Hi, I’m here to see Chloe.”
“Chloe, you have a visitor at reception,” the woman spoke into her headset.
“She’s on her way.”
“Thank you.”
“Sylvie!” Chloe exclaimed as she hugged her friend as best she could with her 8 months pregnant belly. When she released her Brett could see her smile had faltered.
“You’re not popping by to say hello, are you?”
“Chloe, I know it’s going to be hard but please try to stay calm. There was an accident when Squad was doing a water rescue. Joe is in hospital and when I left he was unconscious but he was breathing by himself. That’s a very good sign, okay? He’s at Med. I can drive you there.”
Chloe looked shellshocked. “Uh, okay. I just need to get my things.” Chloe walked back to her desk to get her hand bag and jacket before telling Clara on reception why she was leaving.
They made their way down to Boden’s buggy and Brett gave Chloe a bit of a boost to make it easier for her to get up into the seat.
“I’m not technically allowed the lights and sirens on as it’s not an emergency but I can put them on if you want me to.”
“No, it’s fine,” Chloe replied. “They’re probably still running tests on him and I think fast driving will make me more stressed.”
The journey back to Med was surprisingly calm, Brett distracting Chloe as much as possible by asking questions about her and Cruz’s final preparations before they got to meet their son.
As soon as Maggie saw them she directed them to the room Joe had been taken to about five minutes ago after an array of tests and scans had been completed. Joe was still unconscious but stable and his vitals were good and improving. They could expect one of the doctors to give them an update in an hour or so once the test results had been analysed.
“Do you want to go and see everyone who’s waiting? I don’t mind being here by myself for a little while,” Chloe told Brett although her eyes told a different story from the one she was telling.
“No. I’m staying with you.” Brett gave Chloe’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Have you called your parents yet?”
“They’re out of state visiting family. They haven’t been able to see them for a couple of years and I don’t want them to spend their time worrying or cut their trip short if it’s not necessary.”
Brett nodded her understanding. “Is there anything I can do for you, anything I can get you?”
“No I’m good. All I need is to stay calm and keep my little boy in his warm cosy house for four more weeks. That’s what Joe would want me to focus on and you just being here helps me do that,” Chloe said as she kissed the back of Cruz’s hand before turning her head to give Sylvie a grateful smile.
-------------------------
A little over an hour later Dr Choi came to give them the update they’d been waiting for.
“Chloe, Brett, I’m happy to tell you it’s good news. The tests all came back clear. Joe will drift in and out of consciousness and seem drowsy but that’s nothing to be alarmed about. His body’s been through a lot today and will take time to recover. Hopefully by tomorrow morning he’ll be more alert and be staying awake for longer periods of time and be able to have longer conversations. We’ll assess him throughout the night and again tomorrow but he’ll probably need to be kept in for observation for another two nights after this one.”
Chloe and Sylvie hugged as Dr Choi left after giving them the good news.
“Will you stay, Sylvie? Just a bit longer?” Chloe asked.
“You don’t even have to ask. I’ll stay with you until he’s wide awake.” Brett put her arm around Chloe who lay her head on Sylvie’s shoulder, neither of them taking their eyes off Cruz.
Chloe smiled suddenly and took Brett’s hand, placing it on her belly. “He’s been kicking a lot lately.”
Sylvie smiled at Chloe. It was an amazing feeling, one that she hoped she’d get to experience herself one day. Both Cruz and Chloe had given her updates throughout Chloe’s pregnancy, sharing scan images, sending photos of the cutest little baby outfits they’d bought and photos of how they’d decorated the nursery.
But it was also a reminder of her visit to the hospital with Julie a little over a year ago when she felt Amelia kick. Brett really didn’t need that reminder. She was open with her emotions and not afraid to confront them – most of the time anyway – but Julie had died at the beginning of the Covid pandemic and in the year that followed Brett felt as though she’d seen nothing but death and misery and the emotional toll it had taken on her was huge.
She’d picked up extra shifts, often working 48-hour stints twice a week, because of the toll Covid had placed on health services and paramedics themselves needing to self-isolate leaving the CFD dangerously understaffed.
Her bank balance had certainly appreciated the overtime and she’d accrued so much furlough she’d be able to spend as much time on paid leave in the coming year as she would working. But the seemingly never-ending grind combined with her heartbreak over Casey meant there wasn’t much of her left to give and properly coming to terms with Julie’s death was something Brett hadn’t managed just yet. With the pandemic waning and things with Casey resolved she knew she would soon, but sitting at Cruz’s hospital bed with her mind already filled with memories of Otis wasn’t the time to start on it.
-------------------------
Choi had told the assembled members of 51 the good news 15 minutes ago upon which the Chief had asked to see Cruz in person. It wasn’t strictly allowed but Choi gave him 5 minutes. The others stayed in the waiting room anxiously awaiting his return. Of course they all believed Choi that Cruz would recover but it would be different to hear how he was from their own Chief.
“How’s Cruz, Chief?” Severide asked as he rose from his chair after seeing Boden approach.
“He hasn’t come to but he looks much better than when he was brought in, much more colour to him. Brett’s going to spend the night here with Chloe. I’ll come back tomorrow and drop her at 51 so she can get her car. There’s nothing more we can do here. I’ve managed to arrange enough floaters to get 51 and 81 back up and running by 8 o’clock. So get back in your rigs, complete your inventory checks, collect your things from 51 and go home. Be with the people you love. Appreciate that you have them.”
Nodding in agreement the members of 51 got to their feet and headed for the exit. Squad 3’s rig had been driven back from Navy Pier by a couple of the Squad 2 guys so Tony and Capp rode with 51 whilst Severide hopped in the back of Truck. Having made space for Squad in Engine’s rig, Ritter joined Violet in Ambo 61, sensing she could do with a bit of company after today. As far as he knew this was the first time she’d seen one of her colleagues with a life-threatening injury and sadly he knew how overwhelming, confusing and lonely that could be.
Mouch, Boden and Casey were the last three to get in their rigs.
“You said we should be with the people we love, Chief. Why doesn’t Casey come by tomorrow to pick Brett up? That way you can spend all day tomorrow with Donna and Terrance. It’s not often you get a whole weekend off shift,” Mouch said before he climbed into his seat.
Boden appraised Casey before nodding almost imperceptibly. “Mouch is right. She said she’ll be staying until Cruz is fully alert and talking. Choi thinks that’ll be sometime tomorrow morning.”
“Thanks Chief. I’ll give her a ring when we’re done at 51.”
Casey would have to wait until the morning to see Brett. Perhaps it was selfish of him but he wanted to see for himself that she was okay. Genuinely okay, not just putting on a brave face for Chloe.
Boden nodded his goodbye at Casey then turned on his heel, heading for his buggy as quickly as he could without running. All he wanted to do was finish off his business at 51 then head home to his wife and son.
As soon as they were back at the house everyone worked as fast as possible to complete the inventory for each rig. Squad’s inventory had been completed by Squad 2 earlier in the day due to their hospitalisations which left Capp and Tony to help Engine with their routines whilst Kidd and Gallo assisted Violet in restocking the ambo and Severide helped Casey and Mouch get Truck ready for the handover as quickly as possible.
Soon enough it was time to say goodbye and good riddance to a day they’d rather all forget. The first thing Casey did was call Brett who answered on the fifth ring sounding shattered.
“How are you, Sylvie?”
“Honestly Matt I’m not great but I need to focus on Chloe right now. Are you heading home?”
“I’m going back to the loft.”
Sylvie wasn’t going to be there so it didn’t really feel like he was going home. Really the loft had never felt like a home. He enjoyed living with Severide but Casey had never planned for it to be a long-term thing and so hadn’t invested in making it his home. He was pretty sure he’d be able to pack his life into three boxes.
Brett heard the resignation in his voice.
“Matt, you have a key for my place. It’s more than okay if you want to stay at mine tonight.” She’d given him the key more than a year ago so she knew someone reliable always had a spare if she lost hers but he’d never had reason to use it.
“I think being there without you will make me miss you more.” He rolled his eyes at himself as soon as the words were out of his mouth. God, did he normally sound this pathetic?
“I miss you already,” Sylvie replied. Okay, maybe he wasn’t pathetic. Or maybe they were both kind of pathetic but hey, at least they could be pathetic together.
“I’ll be at Med in the morning to pick you up. Just give me a text when you know when you’ll be leaving. And I’ll leave my ringer on in case you want to talk overnight.”
“Same to you. I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Me too. Give my love to Chloe. I love you.”
“I will. I love you too.”
Brett walked back into Cruz’s room to see him stirring, mumbling incoherently.
“Who was that?”
“Matt. I mean Casey.”
Chloe looked at her in a way that made Brett feel like she was seeing into her soul.
“You found the guy who makes you see floating hearts, didn’t you?”
Brett stayed silent but as always her face betrayed her emotions.
“It’s okay, your secret’s safe with me,” Chloe smiled, understanding perfectly Brett’s reluctance to discuss the matter at the moment.
“Thank you, Chloe,” Brett replied as she reached over taking Chloe’s hand in hers.
“I will be getting it out of you at some point though. Being this pregnant is miserable and I need all the entertainment and distractions I can get.”
“I’ll be sure to prepare myself for the Spanish Inquisition then,” Brett smiled. Cruz had not only been a great friend to her, one of the first she’d had in Chicago, but he’d also brought Chloe into her life and for that she’d be forever grateful.
-------------------------
It might only have been two nights but his bed doesn’t feel like his anymore. He’s missing his person snuggled up against his right side, the smell of her shampoo, her stray hairs tickling his nose. What he’d told Sylvie was true, he would miss her if he stayed at her place alone but he’d miss her a heck of a lot less than he did right now. He got out of bed and quickly packed an overnight bag before heading out of the loft.
“Where are you going at this time?” Severide asked from the kitchen where he’d been filling up his glass of water.
“Out,” Casey replied as he finished putting his shoes on.
Severide simply nodded.
He drove to Brett’s place on autopilot and did the same as he walked the now familiar route from her building’s car park to her apartment. As soon as he walked through the door he felt more at home. Sylvie wasn’t here but all her things were, all the reminders of the things they’d done together and to each other were here.
His mind was still racing worrying about how Brett was. He knew he wouldn’t sleep much so instead he decided to make himself useful without being intrusive. He emptied the dishwasher and sorted out a few issues he knew Brett had been having like the water pressure in her bathroom tap, a wonky door on one of her kitchen cabinets and a few creaky door hinges. She could have fixed most of the problems herself but she’d got into a cycle of putting them off until tomorrow but tomorrow never came.
Still awake an hour and a quarter later and still not sleepy he decided to re-watch a couple of episodes of House Hunters he’d watched with Sylvie the lazy day after their date night. He remembered how Brett hadn’t stopped raving about the décor in both houses, getting progressively more animated as the show went on. Truthfully, he’d spent far more time watching Brett’s reactions than watching the TV but buying a house of his own had been on his mind a lot in the last few months and he thought it wouldn’t hurt to get a feel for what Brett liked.
They wouldn’t be buying a house together, it was far too early for that, but the house he bought would be his forever home and he wanted that with Brett more than anything. He already had fantasies of them renovating a fixer-upper together and creating a home that was truly both of theirs. That was something he’d never had with a partner before.
He felt himself drifting off towards the end of the second episode so turned off the TV and got into bed, this time sleeping on Brett’s pillow, its light scent of coconut the last thing he thought about before he fell asleep.
-------------------------
The night had been fitful and restless for Cruz, Chloe and Brett. Brett had thankfully managed to arrange for a comfy, extra-wide armchair that went almost completely flat and some large pillows to be brought to Cruz’s room for Chloe to use. Brett would be sure to send Maggie a beautiful bouquet in the next couple of days as a thank you. Chloe didn’t get too much sleep but she was far more comfortable than she would have been in a plastic chair.
Cruz had come to a number of times throughout the night. Choi had been right, he’d gradually become more lucid and was staying awake for longer periods of time. By now it was gone half past nine and he seemed more or less back to his normal self, albeit a very tired version. Brett had text Matt an hour or so ago asking him to pick her up at about quarter to ten.
“I’m going to leave you guys to it. It’s so good to see you awake, roomdog,” Brett smiled sincerely as she hugged him gently, careful not to put any pressure on him. She hugged Chloe goodbye, telling her to call her if they needed anything. Brett turned to grab her paramedic jacket before heading for the door.
“Actually Sylvie, there is something we need from you. Well, something we need to ask you.” Chloe and Cruz were looking between each other and Brett with conspiratorial looks on their faces, piquing Brett’s curiosity.
“Anything.”
Chloe tipped her head towards Cruz who began speaking. “Sylvie, you’re one of the best people we both know. You have a heart of pure gold, you’ll do anything for anyone, whether it’s someone you love or a complete stranger and you always manage to see the best in people and the hand you’re dealt. You’re the reason Chloe and I are even here, together, getting ready to meet our little boy and I guess after yesterday you can add saving my life to that list.”
Cruz’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears. He took a deep breath. “And other than me, you and Herrmann were the people who knew Otis best. Him not being around hasn’t got easier like people keep telling me it will and it breaks my heart that our son won’t get to know his uncle Otis. But with you and Herrmann as his godparents, I think we can do a pretty good job of making sure he knows the kind of person Otis was.”
“You want me to be godmother?”
“Yes, Sylvie. We can’t imagine anyone better,” Chloe replied with a hopeful smile.
“Of course I will, I’d be honoured. Thank you,” Sylvie replied with tears stinging her eyes as she wrapped Chloe up in another hug.
“Oh and roomdog, I know this is a big ask of you, but any chance you can keep whole Herrmann godfather thing quiet until we actually get to ask him?” Joe said with a teasing grin.
“Of course I can!” Sylvie replied, slightly offended by Cruz’s lack of faith in her before admitting that if she was being honest it was entirely justified. “Just promise me you’re not going to take too long because I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold out. You know what Herrmann’s like when he thinks there’s a secret to be sniffed out. And can I tell someone I’m the godmother?” Ever truthful Sylvie Brett was starting to go into a mild panic at the thought of all this secret keeping.
“Don’t worry Brett, we’re going to ask him today. He text to say he’ll be dropping by around lunchtime,” Cruz reassured her.
“And of course you can tell someone you’re the godmother,” Chloe replied with a smirk on her face. She knew exactly who Brett was planning to tell.
Brett found Casey waiting for her at the entrance and immediately embraced him, squeezing him tightly around his middle.
“I get it if you want to spend some time with Severide after yesterday but I’d love if you’d come to mine. I can get my car later, I just really need to wash the day away and get some proper rest and I think I’d do that much better if you were there. But if you already have plans that’s fine.”
“Sylvie, my only plans are to be with you. I already got your things out of your locker just in case you wanted to go straight home.”
“You’re amazing, you know that?” The sincerity in her eyes blew Casey away. He didn’t know how to respond so he kissed her instead before taking her hand in his and walking her to his truck.
-------------------------
Traffic was surprisingly light and after 20 minutes they’d reached Brett’s apartment building. They made their way to 3B in a comfortable silence, neither one letting the other’s hand go.
“You must be exhausted, Sylvie. Do you want to go straight to sleep?”
“I’d love to but I really need to shower. And before I do that I need some food because I’ve barely eaten since yesterday lunchtime and having a hot shower will make me more lightheaded than I already am.”
Casey looked in her fridge to figure out what he could make her. “Omelette or fruit with granola and yogurt?”
“I’d love an omelette.”
As Matt began chopping the vegetables Sylvie came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his middle, sneaking her hands under his t-shirt and pressing a kiss to his back, only releasing him when he needed to move over to the hob.
They ate at her kitchen table side by side, Casey just having some fruit as he’d eaten before he left to pick her up at Med.
“I’m pretty sure Mouch and Boden know there’s something going on between us,” Matt said.
Brett didn’t look too surprised. “On that topic Chloe definitely knows. Boden knows everything that goes on at 51 and Mouch is like the wise old man of the firehouse so I’m not surprised he has it figured out. How did they seem about it? About us?” Sylvie asked.
“Mouch was the one who suggested to Boden that I pick you up instead so I guess he’s fine with us, more than fine with us, and Boden didn’t seem to mind.”
“Good. I was a bit worried about some of their opinions.”
Casey put his arm around her back with his hand on her shoulder. “Whatever their opinions are they’re not important.”
“I know. It would just make things easier if they were all onboard. Or at least indifferent, you know?”
“Yeah. Do you want to tell them?”
Brett turned her head to face Casey. “Not just yet. I’d like to have you all to myself for a little while longer if that’s okay with you?”
Casey smiled. “I feel the same way. I don’t want us to get three months down the line and still not have told people but it would be nice to settle into being us first before we become public knowledge.”
Brett kissed him softly. “I like the idea of settling into being us,” she said through a yawn.
“Wow I really need to have that shower and a nap.” She moved to pick up her dishes before Casey stopped her.
“You have a shower and I’ll clean up in here.”
-------------------------
Matt checked his watch. Sylvie had been in the shower at least half an hour now. Perhaps that was the normal length of her showers but she’d seemed keen to get to sleep as soon as possible so he made his way to her bathroom to check on her.
As he opened the door which Brett had left slightly ajar, he could hear her gentle sobs over the running water. He cut the water off and wrapped her up in her big fluffy towel, enveloping her in his arms, holding her close to him and letting her cry the stress and pain of the last 24 hours away.
He whispered sweet nothings in her ear, letting her know that he’ll always be there for her no matter what.
Her tears and sobs gradually subsided and they walked to her bedroom.
“Sorry I got your clothes wet.”
“Don’t apologise, Sylvie. I’m going to make you some tea,” Matt told her as he kissed the top of her head.
“Thank you.”
Just a few minutes later as Casey was finishing making her cup of tea Brett walked into the living room, her hair still soaking wet and uncombed, holding a t shirt.
Making his way over to the living area, Matt placed her tea on the coffee table before sitting on the floor with his back to the sofa and feet planted on the floor, making space for Sylvie to sit in between his legs. As he’d done a couple of days ago he began combing her hair with his fingers, gently squeezing the excess water out of her hair with her t shirt. Something about stopping frizz, apparently.
He doesn’t prompt her. He knows she needs to talk and he knows that she will. She’s not usually one to bottle things up and let them fester. As Matt finished her hair, Sylvie twisted herself onto her left side, her head coming to lay on his chest tucked under Casey’s chin.
“They asked me to be godmother.”
Casey smiled. “They couldn’t have picked anyone better.” He could feel Brett smile against his chest.
“Sorry for having a mini breakdown on you earlier, I promise I’m not in the habit of doing it. It’s just the last 24 hours have been nothing but a reminder of people who aren’t coming back. When I saw Joe all I could think about was Otis.”
Casey was right. She would open up in her own time and now she was getting to the crux of her devastation.
“I know this sounds childish but’s just so unfair. I go to Otis’s grave twice a month, once with Joe and once by myself. And I give him updates about how we all are, what we’re up to. Sometimes it’s nice, it feels calming, that even though he’s not here we’re still roomdogs and always will be.
But then other times, other times it’s just so overwhelming and I remember all the things he’s missed out on and he’s only been gone two years,” her voice getting quieter as she spoke though no tears fell. She’d cried them all out already.
“He never got to marry Lily and have his own family with her. He never got to give his best man’s speech at Cruz’s wedding or hear what Cruz would have said at his. We should be godparents together, he should be here to tease me when everyone finds out about us, he should be here to join me at conventions again once all the Covid regulations end. He’s not going to be here to see Severide finally settle down, to see baby Cruz and Herrmann’s kids and Terrance grow up.”
Brett took a few steadying breaths.
“You know, sometimes I’m at 51 and I look around in the morning briefing or in the common room and I feel, I don’t know, sad, maybe jealous or envious of you all. I see you with Stella and Severide. I see Violet with Ritter and Gallo. I see Boden with Mouch and Herrmann. And then there’s me and Joe, just the two of us by ourselves. There’s a part of us that’s missing and we’ll never get it back.”
Casey could feel tears stinging his eyes. Everyone had taken Otis’ death hard, himself included, but Brett had spent part of every day and night for the best part of three years with Otis either at home or work. Everyone had been rightly concerned about Cruz, him and Otis had been inseparable for years, but maybe they’d overlooked Brett in the process.
Sylvie reached behind her towards the lower shelf of her coffee table and pulled out a book tied together with ribbon which she gently undoes.
“I have scrapbooks of a few people and me at 51. This is the second one I made of me and Otis.” Sylvie flicks through. Casey can see Polaroids of them, ticket stubs to conventions, comedy nights, film screenings with titles he’s never heard of, Christmas and birthday cards Otis had written to her.
She flips to the middle of the book. “That’s the last photo I have of him, at the game night. And then it just ends. Our lives have all moved on, we’ve celebrated life events, we’ve had birthdays but Otis is just …frozen in time, forever 33.
Just like Julie will be forever 46. Scott’s so good at sending updates about Amelia. She really is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen,” she said as a smile broke over her face before disappearing as quickly as it came.
“But it’s the same thing. Sometimes they’re so comforting, knowing that even if Julie’s gone, there’s a piece of her here and that Scott’s doing such a wonderful job raising her.
But sometimes they just remind me of how excited Julie was to make a fresh start, to have a child when she wasn’t a terrified 16-year-old, to experience life in the big city. Sometimes when I walk into 51 I still expect to see her there waiting for me.”
She paused, setting the scrapbook back down and sipping her tea before laying her head back against Matt’s chest. “The baby kicked. Chloe’s baby. It felt amazing but it reminded me of feeling Amelia kick.”
He understood even better why Brett was feeling so down. It wasn’t just about Otis. She’d experienced so much loss in the past two years it wasn’t surprising she broke. He kicked himself for adding to her heartache by letting her think she was second best because he couldn’t find the words to tell her how he really felt.
“She thought we were together, you know. Julie. And she’ll never get to know that we are now.” Casey placed soft kisses in her hair and ran his fingers up and down her back to sooth her. He wished he could take some of the pain away for her, take some of it on himself to ease her burden.
Brett sat up and pulled away from him slightly, bringing one hand up to run it through his hair before caressing his cheek. “I’m so sorry Matt. You had an awful day too and I’m just dumping all of this on you. How are you? You look like you didn’t get much sleep.”
“Sylvie, I always want you to tell me how you’re feeling. Good or bad it doesn’t matter.”
“The same goes for you, Matt. So I’ll ask again. How are you?”
“Honestly, like I’ve aged a good five years and that I’ll never feel well-rested again. But we’ve gone through worse, we’ll get through this.”
Whilst the prognosis for Joe and the rest of Squad 3 was excellent, those few hours spent thinking of baby Cruz being left without a father had been excruciating and something he never wanted to repeat. He knew it would be a long time before he was able to stop replaying that feeling in his mind.
“We will. Together.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“Me too. I also like the sound of sleep.”
They pulled themselves up and walked the short distance to Brett’s bedroom. Sylvie stripped down to her pyjama shorts on and Matt kept just his boxers on. They climbed into bed, him on the left and her on the right. She kissed his chest and he kissed the top of her head. His right hand traced soothing patterns over her upper back and shoulder whilst his left did the same on her right arm which was draped over his chest.
He was surprised by how quickly her breath evened out and she drifted off to sleep. He knew he would wake up tired and disoriented in the late afternoon, he always did when his sleep schedule was thrown off like this, but right now he’d do anything for Sylvie to have some peace.
He still couldn’t believe he was holding Brett in his arms. Truthfully, he was awed by her. By the way she made herself completely vulnerable to him, by how easily she let him in and shared her pain, by how even at her lowest point she wasn’t crying just for what she’d lost but for what Otis and Julie had missed out on. He hoped one day he’d be able to do the same, to let her in to every part of his life. The good, the bad and everything in between.
Four nights and three and a half days. It wasn’t a long time, barely a blip in the grand scheme of things, but Matt knew he wanted those days to turn into months, into years, into decades together. He was more than willing to put the work in to make it happen but he had a feeling that with Sylvie by his side it wouldn’t feel too hard.