Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Your Presence is Required
“If you tell me you need me to testify, I will.”
The words fell like a gauntlet. The resulting silence came with an unnatural stillness as two pairs of eyes turned to where Neil stood, his stance combative but his clenched fists quivering ever so slightly. It’s weird to see him come to their suite when neither Kevin nor Andrew is on campus, Aaron thinks, but it’s clearly intentional. Doesn’t mean he has to like the interruption though.
“You refused,” Aaron reminds Neil, unable to put voice to the questions he really wants to ask: ‘Why now? Why me?’ And the one that hangs unspoken over all of them: ‘You hate me, remember?’
“Betsy said that if I do, then they might be able to hold the trial without Andrew’s presence. So tell me to testify for you.”
If this was Andrew, Aaron would think it was a game to get him to admit that he needed him but there’s no assurance in Neil’s voice or arrogance in his posture to set off the antagonism lurking just under the surface of every interaction Aaron has with the Foxes. There’s a part of him that wants to refuse because Aaron hates the idea of being indebted to Neil Josten almost as much as he hates the idea of rolling the dice on his chance of winding up in prison for murder. Maybe now he understands better why Andrew’s so fixed on his deals, on knowing exactly what he’s in for before he commits to do anything for anyone. He still doesn’t know how much sway Andrew truly has over Neil or Neil over Andrew and he definitely doesn’t want any part in their dynamic.
“What would it cost me?” Aaron asks at last when it’s obvious that Neil isn’t going to leave them alone until he gives some kind of answer.
He isn’t expecting it when Neil shrugs, looking paler but somehow calmer all at once. Aaron’s surprised when he realizes that Neil hasn’t got a specific thing in mind that he wants. That this isn’t one more part of his campaign to get Aaron to forgive Andrew for killing their mother or whatever his next equally misguided plan is. He doesn’t want this to be some righteous bullshit but it would be so fucking typical of Josten if it was. He’s proved almost as committed to the whole team unity thing as he is obsessed with Exy.
“I’m not writing you a fucking blank cheque to cash in later,” Aaron grits out, the anger curling in his muscles, readying to strikeout.
Neil shakes his head immediately, almost as if he’s as horrified by that idea as Aaron is, which shouldn’t be fucking possible but somehow, he believes it might be.
“When the time comes, convince Andrew that me doing this for you vetoes the deal I have with him and we’ll call it even,” Neil says roughly and makes as if to turn away. Like that’s all the detail either of them needs, like Aaron’s asked and Neil had accepted and his testifying is settled when clearly there are a hundred things going unsaid here.
“What deal, exactly?” This time the snarl is dark enough that Nicky flinches and scoots further into the cushion on his end of the couch as Aaron’s hand snaps out, reaching for Neil’s hood and missing by the smallest fraction. Aaron would be impressed by his ability to anticipate a move from behind him if he wasn’t so damn suspicious.
“His protection,” Neil says flatly, neatly sidestepping further out of Aaron’s reach as he spins back to face him. “I do this and there won’t be anything Andrew can do to stop what comes next. They weren’t part of the deal anyway, not explicitly, but he’ll still want to claim that I’m still his until May. Don’t let him blame himself - or you - when he can’t keep his promise.”
“You make it sound like you’re the one going to the gallows,” Aaron bites back, frustrated by the obvious evasion.
The smile Neil gives him is sharper than Andrew’s knives and the contrast of it with his next words makes Aaron feel sick in a way he can’t describe. It makes him think that Neil is far more dangerous than any of the Foxes realize.
“Just an unmarked grave.”
Aaron almost asks why before he realizes that’s not an answer he or Nicky want to know - and not one he has the right to demand of the man who’s offering the best shot he has at staying out of prison. Instead, he settles on the one part he feels he does have a right to, especially after seeing that smile and hearing Neil say that he’s ‘Andrew’s’. Aaron needs to be certain that this isn’t some sick and twisted ploy to get into Andrew’s pants because, good deed aside, he’s not letting anyone close enough to see if Andrew’s history makes him vulnerable to predatory advances. Neil might say he doesn’t swing but Roland wasn’t smart enough to keep his mouth shut so Aaron knows which way Andrew does and he pays Neil more attention that Aaron’s ever seen him give anyone else, including Kevin. That makes Neil a potential threat and Aaron’s more than ready to keep the promise he made to Andrew of mutual protection.
“Why risk it? You don’t even like me and Andrew’s not here if you’re hoping this will make him give you whatever it is you want from him. I’m not as blind as he thinks, I’ve seen the way he looks at you and we’re in this mess because of what I did to the last person who hurt him so convince me you’re not angling for anything else.”
Neil’s frown looks genuine. Like he seriously doesn’t know what Aaron’s getting at but the words that come out of his mouth make Aaron see red.
“Andrew’s already given me everything-“
“You bast-” Aaron’s up out of his seat and lunging at Neil’s throat before the words are out of his mouth. His fingertips scrape angry red lines across Neil’s neck despite the other man’s speedy retreat and Nicky latching onto Aaron trying to slow him down.
“Wait, Aaron. Let’s not kill our golden goose before we’re sure he deserves it,” Nicky pants, wrapping long limbs around Arron and taking them to the ground. “Talk faster, Neil. What exactly did Andrew give you? Sex?”
“No!” Neil recoils like he’s been struck. Confusion and anger coloring his words even as Aaron scoffs. “That’s not, I don’t - neither of us wants that. Andrew hates me, he definitely doesn’t -”
“Then what, Neil?” Nicky interrupts, keeping Aaron pinned beneath him as he glances up at Neil.
“Keys. He gave me keys and permission to call a place home,” Neil said, rubbing absently at the center of his chest and the ache that filled it. “Safety.”
“What the fuck does that mean, Josten?” Aaron asked exasperatedly even as Nicky sighed out an “oh” of understanding.
“A foster kid and a runaway,” Nicky says with surprising perception. “Neither of them grew up having homes or doors that locked. That’s why they get one another.”
“Yeah. Andrew knew what keys mean to people like us. No one else’s ever asked me to stay before and meant it. I was tired of running, tired of almost dying, tired of being nothing and having nobody. Staying meant I got to play Exy, have friends, and be a Fox. Andrew made that possible. This was my only chance not to spend the months I have left alone and unknowable, waiting for them to find me. He’s letting me really live until my time is up. He’s - he’s been amazing. I know with his meds he can’t really understand what that means to me but I want a chance to repay that before it’s too late. I know he always says that promises aren’t transferable between twins but he values your life more than his own so, I’ll testify for you, Aaron and we’ll call it even.”
Aaron sits stunned beneath Nicky, trying to assimilate this unexpected twist. Neil doesn’t just like Andrew, he actually cares about him. And not the way Aaron had assumed, either. In a way that’s better and worse and it makes Aaron feel kind of like shit because he didn’t think anyone would ever actually feel like that about his brother given even he and Nicky can’t seem to. That someone could truly know the monstrous parts of Andrew and just - accept them? He thinks about the difference between Kevin and Neil - the two people Andrew had offered protection to. How it had been Neil insisting that Andrew had to be allowed to come off his medication and promising to hold the line against the Ravens. And then there was Kevin, who’d been far too busy worrying about first Exy and then his own skin to consider the human cost of Andrew being his literal and metaphorical shield. It makes Aaron think that maybe he might have picked the wrong one of Andrew’s charity cases to hate. It makes him want to find Renee and tell her he’s ready to hear whatever she was trying to tell him about Neil maybe not being the worst thing that had ever happened to the Foxes.
“So, do we have a deal? If we do, I’ve got calls I need to make.” Neil says because apparently, he’s still waiting for an answer as if he hasn’t just casually upended everything Aaron thought he knew about Neil and Andrew.
“Ye-Yeah,” Aaron croaks out, “thanks, Neil.”
Neil pauses at the thanks. He has that wide-eyed look he sometimes gets when people do something considerate - like he doesn’t expect it and doesn’t know what to do with that. Then the moment is over and Neil nods and turns away again, pulling out his phone and heading for the door. For the first time in the history of knowing him, Aaron doesn’t want him to leave yet.
“Do you - umm - need help with, whatever?” Aaron asks impulsively.
Neil and Nicky both look at him like he’d grown another head which, harsh, but whatever. It’s not like he’s got a whole lot of practice with this helping others shit. But the guy has offered to testify for him so it’s not like it’s completely selfless or anything. Neil looks at him, really looks at him, with a perceptiveness that’s unnerving, and Aaron has to force himself not to snap at him to knock it off when it drags on far longer than seems reasonable before he reaches some kind of decision.
“I’ll let you know. I might -” Neil pauses, weighing something before he continues, “I was going to leave an explanation for Andrew with Betsy but -”
Aaron nods, accepting this not quite offer for what it is. The trust they’ve established some time in the last ten minutes is fragile and tepid but if it lasts, it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. So he offers a piece of information Neil might value in exchange.
“As next of kin, I’m allowed written communication with Andrew. I don’t know what Easthaven does with it; whether they read it, when Andrew gets it but - I can find out if that…“ Aaron shrugs, uncomfortable in the realization that before this moment he’s wanted to know as little as possible about Easthaven and what they allow Andrew to do. He’s ashamed that he’s been too focused on what happens when Andrew comes back and the lingering question in everyone’s mind about who exactly they’ll get back once the medication is truly out of Andrew’s system.
Neil nods, looking like he understands why Aaron doesn’t already know. Judging by the slight curling of his lip, he doesn’t approve of that oversight but for once he doesn’t comment so maybe this is progress.
“You’ve got Waterhouse’s details from Matt, right?” Nicky asks, breaking the staring contest that was weirdly communicative rather than antagonistic. Looking over at him Aaron’s unsurprised to see that he’s been crying. It’s like Nicky got all the leftover emotions that he and Andrew don’t have anymore and they just pour out of him at the slightest provocation. Aaron wonders if this is the kind of moment when Nicky offers his firstborn child, he’s never really figured out the pattern or purpose of that offer given his mother always saw him as a burden rather than a gift but can’t help thinking Neil might have an unpredictable and therefore interesting reaction to that for once.
“Right. And Betsy’s number,” Neil says cautiously, glancing at Aaron and then back to Nicky. Aaron guesses Neil’s not any more comfortable with the whole crying thing than Aaron is which means this should be a good show but then there’s the favor thing so…
“Let him make his calls, Nicky,” Aaron says, latching onto Nicky’s hood and jerking just enough to cut off the babble of gratitude spilling from his mouth. Aaron hangs on to his sweater, he got good at anticipating when Nicky was seconds away from trying to express physical affection in the early days before they realized that there isn’t a single type of it that Andrew accepts and Nicky was still desperately trying to find even the lightest touch that could communicate he cared. Neil wisely acknowledges this for what it is, gratitude in the form of an escape route, and slips out of the suite before Nicky has untangled himself from Aaron’s grip.
~
Neil would have preferred being able to run from Fox Tower to Reddin but talking to the cousins took longer than he’d expected so he had to settle for the familiarity of the GS. Being allowed to drive it is new but the smell of leather, cigarettes, and the roar of the engine as he turns the key is comfortingly the same. Neil is grateful that Betsy’s door is open when he approaches, he’s never really understood the urge to pace but today might have been an exception if he’d had to spend time in the limbo of the waiting room.
“Hello, Neil, I’m glad you could make it,” Betsy says, motioning him towards the familiar couch and taking a seat across from him. He notices that she already has a mug in front of her that’s gently steaming and is glad she’s chosen to dispense with the social niceties of offering him anything, saving him the effort of having to refuse.
“You worked in the justice system,” Neil says, hovering awkwardly beside the couch - half hoping she would say something to justify him leaving without needing to sit down. “You know the ins and outs of testifying, so if I had questions about it - about what it would be like to testify for Aaron and wanted your advice on something adjacent to that about the legal system, could you answer them?”
“Yes, I’ll answer as many questions as I can.”
She doesn’t insist that he sit and for now, Neil doesn’t attempt it. Knowing that he can walk out, can leave at a moment’s notice feels important. Necessary.
“Can we go back over that thing you said the first time we met? The one about when you’d have to break doctor-patient confidentiality.”
“Of course, and if you have specific questions about the definition I give you then please ask me and I’ll find another way to explain it until you feel satisfied that you understand the boundaries and extent of that responsibility I have. The first instance is if I believe that you intend to hurt yourself - suicide or self-harm or by some other serious method. The second would be if you told me or implied or made me believe that you intended to harm someone else. That one is more nuanced, the harm it describes isn’t just physical but also covers emotional or financial abuse - for example stalking someone or controlling them - as well as more physical things like assault or murder. The third is anything that could be considered a threat to a child’s wellbeing, any suggestion, admission, or allegation of abuse or neglect by you or someone else. Do those make sense?”
“Yeah. But that’s like, present and future stuff. What about - things from the past?”
“In most cases, I’m not required to report past crimes or information you might disclose about broader criminal activities like organized crime or gang activity. The exceptions are mostly, as you put it, where it crosses over with significant present or future harm to yourself or others. Most of my patients have had significant exposure to the harsher aspects of life - it’s one of the main reasons they need to see someone like me - to help deal with the trauma they witnessed, experienced, or participated in. It’s extremely rare that something from their pasts is reportable. If you’re worried about not knowing the boundaries, each time you introduce a new area, you could tell me in broad terms first and I could warn you if I think knowing more details about it might be straying into territory where a past crime might become reportable. Would that be an acceptable compromise? Would that help you trust me?”
Neil nodded, heart thudding painfully at the idea of placing that much trust in another person, let alone an authority figure. He couldn’t suppress his flinch as he remembered the bite of his mother’s belt the one time he’d asked why they didn’t try to get official protection from his father. The welts had been so deep in places he’d been worried about them getting infected when just days later they’d been forced to move on again, squatting in an abandoned warehouse without running water. He still has difficulty looking at Skyy vodka, the memory of it burning like fire across all those open wounds still too fresh despite the intervening years.
Whether Betsy noticed Neil’s sudden withdrawal into memory or simply wanted to move the conversation along, he was grateful when she offered again to answer any questions he had about the trial.
“In your experience, how much weight is the identity of the witnesses given in a trial like Aaron’s?”
“Give me a sense of what particularly you mean when you say identity? Are you worried about how testifying might affect your career?”
“No!” Neil said more sharply than he’d intended before forcing himself to take a breath and try to explain. “I mean, the defense, the ones trying to send Aaron to prison for murder. Would it be their job to discredit me as a witness? To dig into my life and my past?”
“My mistake, I shouldn’t have made that assumption. In my experience background checks on key witnesses are routine, however, the thoroughness depends entirely on the person who’s assigned the task. In this type of trial, it shouldn’t be a focus but, am I right in thinking that you’re not asking me to present the best case scenario?” Betsy waited for Neil to nod and then continued. “Interns are under a lot of pressure to find a way to stand out from the rest of their group, with paid positions being so hard to get. If Aaron’s case was assigned to one of them then, yes, I think there is a risk they’d cross-check multiple databases to verify your identity records and look for a criminal history. Is that what you wanted to know?”
Neil considered. It was his fingerprints that had led Riko so swiftly and decisively to the truth. Without them, Neil doubted anyone would reach that same conclusion but, in this case, just discovering that his identity was fake would be enough to do harm. The last thing he wanted was to not just endanger Aaron’s safety but to put himself in the docks beside him. It would be a death warrant if he was in custody while the case of his real identity was handed on to the police for proper investigation. There were far too many soft touches in such an underpaid line of work for that information to remain secure for long.
“As per our agreement, I also want you to know that it’s very unlikely that your identity would be something I would need to report on,” Betsy said, surprising Neil with her calmness despite the fact he’d assumed PSU would have a vested interest in the fact he wasn’t who he’d enrolled as. “There’s a clause on reporting that says I have to prioritize your safety. In my experience, if you’ve needed to change or obscure your identity in some way then exposing it would almost certainly cause harm to you and potentially place others in serious danger.”
“Yes.” It wasn’t much but the look of understanding that flashed between them at that confirmation made Neil think that just maybe, she might be worth trusting after all. Not that he’d have time to find out how long that trust held but it did at least settle the part of him that had dreaded having to spill all of his secrets to Aaron if Betsy had proved not to be an option.
“You’re sure that my testimony, combined with Andrew’s medical records, will be enough to ensure the trial can be held without his direct participation?”
“Luther’s confession establishes that he set up the meeting and that he was aware of Andrew previously accusing Drake of rape and sexual assault. But it was you who realized something was wrong, you who got Aaron and Kevin to follow you upstairs. You were the first person into that room and it’s also only you who can confirm exactly what happened between when Aaron entered that room and Kevin arrived. Given that Andrew was drugged, had sustained a serious head injury, and is Aaron’s twin - there’s agreement on both sides that no one is keen to put him on the stand. The fact that he’s currently undergoing mandatory psychiatric treatment and is medically unfit to testify is a convenient excuse.”
“And your sessions, the tapes, and notes, can they be used as official evidence in court?”
“Only if they’ve been specifically subpoenaed by a judge.”
“What if I asked you, not necessarily now but later, could I ask you to release them as evidence?”
“It would have to be in writing and signed by you but yes, you could choose to release a copy to the police or your attorney as potential evidence. It’s not a sworn statement but it would carry weight being recorded and witnessed by a registered forensic psychiatrist.”
“Are there particular things we could do, in those sessions, to make them more official?”
“If that was what you wanted, then yes, I could conduct them in the format I use for forensic assessments that will be used by the court.”
“What about Andrew? Could I direct you to release a copy to him and allow him to discuss it with you?”
“That’s an unusual request but yes, I think we could draft a statement for you to sign that would allow me to share information with Andrew if that was something you wanted. Is there a reason you don’t simply want to discuss it with him yourself?”
“I’d rather tell him myself but I might not get that choice. This is my backup plan if I’m -“ Neil swallowed roughy, forcing back the truth that threatened to spill out and replacing it with something less final. “If I’m not still here by the time he gets back.”
“Can you tell me where you’d be?”
“Not yet,” Neil says, focusing on the painting behind Betsy’s desk. Its precise geometric lines match the compulsive order he’s previously observed around her office but what strikes him most forcefully is that he’s not sure if it’s a cityscape or a random abstract. It reminds him of how long he spent trying to be invisible and how hard it will be to go back to that now that he’s been seen by the Foxes. Now that he’s been known by Andrew.
“I want to stay,” Neil admits, surprising them both by sinking down into the edge of the couch opposite her.
“But you don’t think you’ll be able to?” Betsy asks gently. It’s more a statement than a question but Neil nods anyway. “And you’re making plans in case you can’t.”
“Yes - I - I thought I’d have more time.”
“It seems like before you came to PSU you’d been used to having to fend for yourself for a long time. Your teammates, as you know, are no strangers to having complex pasts or those pasts coming back to disturb their present lives. Have you considered that maybe this time you don’t have to do everything alone?”
The breath Neil takes shudders in his chest as he allows himself a moment to consider it. To consider addiction, stripping, foster care, gangs, juvie, and parents in every flavor of toxic…and maybe, maybe his brand of childhood horror wouldn’t be completely incomprehensible to them.
“I’m glad you’re reaching out to us for help this time,” Betsy says, startling Neil out of the whirl of thoughts about the Foxes’ pasts he’d gotten caught up in.
“What? But I’m-“
“You’re here, aren’t you? From what you’ve told me, there’s something else you need to do before you can commit to testifying for Aaron but you came here first. Could it be that you’re looking for permission to stay? Because if you are, I want to reassure you that David and Abby and your teammates care about you and they don’t want you to leave.”
“I lied to them. Just being here puts them all in danger. They won’t-”
“Was it necessary for your survival to lie?” Betsy asked calmly, cutting into Neil’s rapidly spiraling thoughts.
“Yes.”
“And you’re risking that survival now in order to protect Andrew and Aaron?”
“Yes, but-“
“Andrew’s not the only one who puts a high price on loyalty, Neil. The Foxes are bound together by bonds of loyalty to each other against people who want to tear them down. It’s how David’s kept them together all these years despite the frictions because of the smaller group hierarchies within the team. There’s an understanding between each of you that, one way or another, you’ve each had to learn to fend entirely for yourself but are willing to be part of this whole. I think you’ll find there’s a lot they’re willing to overlook if it means getting justice for one of their own.”
Seeing that Neil was too consumed by his thoughts to answer, Betsy continued.
“If you’re willing to tell me some of the broad details of the next calls you want to make, I may be able to offer more advice. I want to help you, Neil.”
Looking at Betsy Neil felt his pulse pounding and remembered Andrew’s fingers at his throat telling him to ‘Remember this feeling. This is the moment you stop being the rabbit.’ and knew that he was going to accept Betsy’s help. That he’d fight for as long as he could to remain a Fox.
“My father is in prison,” Neil began, forcing the words out despite the dire warnings his mother had beaten into him time and again. “I don’t know the specifics but they’re white-collar crimes, rather than the ones that prompted my mother to take me and run from him. I can prove that he is who they always suspected he was and testify about who his people were. In exchange, I want the FBI to legitimize this identity. To allow me to officially become Neil Josten so that I can testify for Aaron and maybe even play out the rest of the season while they build their cases. As soon as I testify for them, it won’t be enough, nothing will be but it’s okay. Andrew’s worth it.”
“That certainly sounds like the kind of deal they would be authorized to make. Have you considered how you’ll group together your evidence so that you can get the maximum benefit from their protection?”
“What?” Neil asked, feeling suddenly out of his depth. He only had one trump card to play, he was the Butcher’s son.
“If you can testify against multiple people and on multiple crimes, you may be able to ask for multiple things in return at different times. For instance, you’ve said your father has been convicted and incarcerated on white-collar crimes but you know about other crimes that carry much harsher penalties for multiple people. So you could offer your testimony in stages. For instance, for your current ability to testify for Aaron you may not need to hand over the most significant of your testimony but be able to keep that in exchange for some form of ongoing protection. Don’t undervalue what you know about lesser crimes: fraudulent business activities, theft, intimidation, arson, kidnapping - and, may I make an assumption based solely on the fact you said you were on the run from your father?” Betsy paused, getting Neil’s consent before continuing, “One common crime that is frequently overlooked by family members who are offering testimony but which carries a high rate of conviction is any crimes against themselves as children. Many people who have grown up in hostile and often violent environments don’t consider how seriously an outsider would view their experiences and how they were disciplined for what others might view as a minor mistake. They fail to realize that their own medical records, combined with their testimony, can demonstrate a history of violence that may make it easier to convict the people they know of inflicting similar wounds on others. Even in the darkest things, people have patterns and habits because true randomness and originality are far more difficult to maintain and most violent criminals celebrate having a signature as it helps to maintain control over the people within their community.”
“Do they have to be family members?” Neil asked, his mind whirling with this new information. His mind turning to Lola and her brother, Romero, the implication that he might have just as much ammunition against them as he had against his father - perhaps even more as Lola had been so generous in the multitude of ways in which she left so much evidence literally carved into his skin. As far as he knew, they’d never managed to convict her on any charges, and that in itself was far more leverage than he had over someone already behind bars.
“No, any person who seriously physically harms or endangers a child’s welfare can be charged and in most states, there isn’t a statute of limitations on it.”
“Thank you,” Neil said, relaxing back on the couch for the first time since their meeting had begun. “That might actually work and buy me considerably more time.”
“May I clarify what I am offering you? I’d like to be sure I understand how best I can help you and that you know how much you can ask for.”
Neil tensed, suspicion seeping back into the calm which had begun to crowd out his fears about what was to come. Betsy however remained open and reluctantly, Neil nodded, preparing himself to find out the cost of her seemingly open offer of support.
“In line with your tuition agreement, you’re entitled to an unlimited number of counseling sessions. While PSU normally recommends scheduling these as one-hour-long weekly sessions there are extra provisions for traumatic events like what you experienced at the Hemmick’s residence last week. Instead I can schedule your sessions in any number of short or long blocks. I don’t usually recommend more than two hours at a time but I recognize this is a unique situation and that you may potentially wish to cover all 19 years of your history with minimal to no input from me to provide analysis or advice. Where possible the format of those sessions will comply with measures that add to their ability to be used for official proceedings as formal evidence. Our current agreement, for me to preemptively warn you of anything reportable would continue until you explicitly revoked it and I would write two documents for you to review and decide whether to sign, ones which would allow me to release specific recordings of these sessions and the ability for me to discuss them under very specific circumstances to very specific people. As we are heading into Thanksgiving Weekend, we could also be sequestered from the team and work through as much of this in that time as we can if you’d prefer not to see them while you’re telling this story. I know many people find it very difficult to expose so much of their past at once and it can make them more vulnerable to nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks in the short term which they may not want others to witness. I would however like to ensure that you have some support and supervision - whether that’s in person or as a series of check-ins - as I am aware of an increased risk of self-harm and suicidal thoughts and I would like to know that you are safe between our sessions.”
Neil struggled to take in the enormity of what she was offering him. He didn’t make any move to interrupt when she paused, motioning instead that she continue, hoping that by the time she finished he’d have come up with some kind of answer.
“I know that you primarily wanted my help to be able to record what happened in a format that will be most useful to you and perhaps, to rehearse it and I accept that. But I would like you to also consider that I can also help you cope with and begin to recover from the trauma you have experienced. I would like to offer separate additional sessions - ones that you could choose to exclude from being released as evidence - this would allow you to discuss anything that’s come up and, if you were willing, to try some psychological therapy techniques designed to alleviate some of the trauma associated with your experiences. It would be entirely up to you whether you tried any approach and also if or when you chose to discontinue it without impact on the other sessions. We have methods now to help people who’ve experienced trauma to lessen the impact of it - to reprocess their memories so that they don’t leave as many triggers in the present which can cause nightmares or panic attacks or make it difficult to trust others. I’d specifically like to give you some information on EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing technique which is particularly effective at allowing you to understand what happened and move forward from it. Please understand that my offer of treatment is not a condition of my help, I won’t rescind or modify that offer. But I would like to offer you something in return for your trust and for helping two people whose welfare I also care deeply about.”
Neil knew what he needed to do next. That this was an offer - an advantage - he shouldn’t turn down but it went against everything he’d ever known. Some of his first memories were of people dying but his second were all on how important it was to never ever speak about anything he’d seen or done. Memories of the beatings he received to reinforce that necessity crowding in over one another despite his attempt to stay in the present.
“Could you-” Neil chokes on the words, tasting blood in his mouth that he can’t be sure is there in truth or just in memory, but he forces them out. “Could I start soon? Tonight? With what we discussed, telling you what I intend to initially offer the feds to buy me time to testify for Aaron and Andrew. About my childhood?”
“Of course, Neil. I understand you have practice this afternoon and I would like to make sure we have enough time to go over the agreements you wanted me to write up and formalize a plan for your immediate welfare after the session. If we held a session after your practice, would you consider staying with David or Abby tonight and having a phone check-in with me before your morning practice?”
“I can stay with Coach and check-in,” Neil agrees quickly, eager to accept the solution offered to him if it allowed him to minimize the chance he’d talk himself out of trusting her.
“I’d also like to ask you a set of questions directly related to self-harm and suicide so that I can assess if you’re at risk before our session, is that okay?”
“I’m not at risk,” Neil counters but seeing Betsy gearing up to justify herself, he relents. “But I’ll answer them anyway.”
“Thank you. Have you ever thought about or acted on thoughts of harming yourself?” Betsy asked, her words sounding measured and smooth as though frequently used.
“No. I’ve experienced enough pain, intentionally causing myself more seems pointless.” The truth comes easily and definitively from his lips as he meets her gaze.
“What about other forms of self-harm; excessive use of alcohol or drugs?”
Neil shakes his head, “No.”
“Limiting your food, overeating, or throwing up after meals.”
“No.”
“Unsafe sexual situations?”
“No.”
“Excessive exercise?”
“N-what?” Neil’s head jerks up, “Exercise is good, right?”
“That depends. Exercising to the point of exhaustion or when you know you’re risking injury or illness because you’re craving the endorphin rush or the quiet or the ability to sleep that comes with the exhaustion - they are all examples of nonviolent self-harm.”
“Huh,” Neil pauses, recognizing his resistance to admitting something which she could use against him but knowing that it was likely the least of what he intends to tell her today. “I run,” Neil admits, “to the point of exhaustion.”
“Is there someone you’d trust to go with you if you felt like you needed to run tonight or tomorrow? Someone who you would allow to tell you when you needed to turn back or to stop entirely to prevent you coming to harm?”
Neil considers his options. Not just which Foxes might be able to keep up with him but also who he’d be able to tolerate if the session with Betsy was as bad as he feared it might be and knew there were only two people he could ask: Renee to run with him or Coach to follow him by car. “Yes,” Neil says finally.
“Could you call or text them now and commit to not exercising without that person or person’s being present?”
“Yes.” Reluctantly, Neil gets out his phone and fires off two messages, one to Coach, explaining he was seeing Betsy tonight and confirming he could stay and that he may need to have a spotter if he went running. The one to Renee was more difficult but in the end, he asked if he could have a similar deal to what she had with Andrew? If he could potentially come by and borrow her to run with if his session with Betsy left him on edge. In both cases, their replies were almost immediate and offered unconditional support for the idea. When Neil sets the phone on the table between them, Betsy continues her questions.
“Have you ever had thoughts of suicide or of taking your own life?”
“Andrew asked me that once, I’ll tell you what I told him. I don't understand suicide," Neil says with a shrug. "Staying alive has always been so important I can't imagine actively trying to die."
“What about taking a break, wanting to escape - maybe not dying but -“
“No.” Neil cuts in. “As I said, I have no interest in walking that line, only in staying on the right side of it.”
“Do you have access to any weapons or drugs at David’s house if you did unexpectedly feel the impulse to hurt yourself or did consider suicide?”
“I don’t like knives, especially the kind kept in kitchens, and I don’t drink. Coach says if he or any of us needs anything stronger than Advil we have to call Abby, his windows are too low to cause death if I was stupid enough to jump out one, and while I know the combination of Coach’s gun safe I haven’t had any interest in holding a gun since the last time I was shot,” Neil snapped, listing off all the weapons he knew about in Coach’s home and eliminating each option.
“But you’re well aware of all of them? Why is that?” Betsy asked gently.
“It’s a habit. I need to know I’ll be able to defend myself and anyone I’m with wherever I am.” Neil paused, assessing Betsy before continuing. “This room has glass in the picture frames which can be broken without removing them from the walls to make weapons. Both the desk and the coffee table were once flat packed, they’d shatter into useable pieces if placed under enough force. You don’t keep more than you’re own pen in sight but you’ve got the implements to make hot drinks and a teaspoon is effective enough if you’re ramming it into orifices or membranes. There’s also your clipboard, your glass ornaments, and your high-heeled shoes.”
For a moment, Neil worried that Betsy might take what he’d said as a threat, noting the stillness she tried so hard to conceal as he listed every possible weapon within easy reach of where he sat before her. He was surprised when she nodded instead, glancing about the room with a critical eye that landed on each item he’d mentioned before returning her gaze to him with a faint hint of a smile.
“Thank you, Neil, I’ll update the risk assessment form I have for the physical environment. I imagine the OHS team will want to source some plastic to replace the glass in the picture frames even if they decide not to reinforce the furniture. The figurines, however, are quite firmly fixed in place. It posed a challenge initially but I’ve learned how to create space whenever the collection is likely to be expanded.”
“Any other questions?” Neil asked, feeling calmer than he expected given he was agreeing to talk about things he’s never discussed with another person before but also suddenly very ready to leave this office.
“Will you agree to speak to me or David or whoever you’ve chosen to supervise your exercising, if you have any thoughts about harming yourself or others following the session?”
“Okay.”
“Do you agree to David calling me if he thinks, for any reason, you’re in imminent danger of hurting yourself or others following our session?”
“It won’t be necessary, but he can.”
“Would you like to explain this agreement to him or would you like me to?”
Neil didn’t want to have that conversation with Coach but he also didn’t want to have to stay to hash out exactly what she was and wasn’t allowed to say to Wymack about what they had planned.
“I’ll do it,” Neil said quickly, “Does that mean I can go now? I’ll be back after practice.”
“Yes, Neil, you can go and I’ll have some food here if you decide not to eat before we speak.”
“Thanks,” Neil threw over his shoulder on his way out of the door.