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"So then he takes my hand and says, 'Never has a fairer hand graced mine, nay, not even when Lady Remrë let me go without reprimand after she caught me stealing pies as a child, though I confess I find it a great injustice that the beauty attached to this fair hand should be forced to give the likes of you her time,' which I thought was laying it on a bit thick, but it was sweet and he was so handsome. Ñolo doesn't care much for Mancaro either, but he thought Netyano was out of line and challenged him after that. Of course, I was besotted with Netyano, so I gave him a flower for good luck," at this point, Lalwen paused to take a deep breath and Findis took the opportunity to interject with a smile, "I bet Ñolo loved that."
"Oh he was so annoyed, it was hilarious," Lalwen smirked, "And Netyano just about fell over trying to sing my praises. Ugh, can't believe I was actually into that at the time. But anyways, their little spitting contest happens, Ñolo wins but not by enough to satisfy him or stop Netyano from trying to woo me, and then Netyano tells me his best friend from back in Valmar is coming to visit, and I'll be sure to like him, he's such a great guy, and on and on. I'm looking forward to it - Netyano described him as a real romantic, and I like a good romance, you know? Apparently he'd been in love with this gorgeous nís, Liltamë for just about his entire life, and they had recently gotten engaged, and I was quite excited to hear such a sweet story. So Faucano shows up, and guess what happens next?"
"What?" Findis asked, only mildly curious after an hour of her sister's rambled college exploits. She checked the bread cooling on the counter and refilled their cups, wondering if dinner would be enticing enough to make her sister pause.
"Faucano shows up, and within - I'm not fucking joking - within three days that little shit is at my bedroom window telling me he loves me !"
Findis dropped the bread knife, turning on her sister with much more interest, "He what? "
Lalwen nodded, taking a long drink from her mug before exclaiming, "I know, right! What a faithless dickhead! A real romantic, my ass."
"You spend too much time among the Teleri," Findis smiled absently at her sister's language before asking, "So what did you do?"
"Well, the first thing I wanted to do was write to his Liltamë and tell her to break the engagement at once. I wasn't sure she'd believe me though, so I told him to keep the fuck away from me and hoped he'd sort himself out."
"Did he?"
" Fuck no! He sent this young nér he'd taken on as an apprentice - though he treated him like he was inferior - to give me his ring, which I knew from Netyano was actually the ring Liltamë had given him as a sign of faithfulness. Talk about disgusting. But the poor boy looked so nervous, practically on the verge of tears, so I sent him away much more kindly - though not without giving him some harsh words to give to his master. But that's not the end of it either, oh no ."
Findis gripped her own mug harshly. She'd gone from bored to fascinated to more than a bit worried about her sister.
"Faucano tricks Ñolo into thinking Netyano means to talk me into an elopement, Ñolo tells Atar, Atar banishes Netyano, and then guess what?"
Findis was far too nervous to guess, but luckily, Lalwen didn't wait for a response this time.
"Faucano fucking kidnaps me!! "
"What?!"
"I know!" Lalwen exclaimed, as if that was just another piece of gossip and not an incredibly disturbing statement.
"He's all, 'ooh, just give me a chance, I beg of you, you're my everything,' and the whole time his poor apprentice is there holding all his bags and looking about five minutes away from either running or punching him. I was kinda hoping for the latter."
"Why didn't you punch him?" Findis frowned, "The Valar know I had to pull you out of enough fights growing up."
"You didn't have to," Lalwen stuck her tongue out at her, "But anyways, he kinda tied my hands together when he kidnapped me, the freak."
"Lalwendë!"
Lalwen waved a dismissive hand, "I'm fine, aren't I? Let me finish! So while he's whining about all that, guess who shows up? Netyano! He throws a punch at Faucano, but then Faucano gets all weepy and apologetic - not even to me, for fuck's sake, just to his friend! And then Netyano tells him it's all okay and their friendship is more important than romance which like fine, whatever, that’s chill, but then he says if you want Lalwen, she's yours … um, no the fuck I am not, and," Lalwen paused, "Findis, I know you know that knife wouldn't get very far against anything besides bread, stop holding it like you want to saw someone's throat open."
Findis realized she'd picked the bread knife back up and was gripping it quite threateningly. With a faint blush of embarrassment, knowing her sister was correct, she gently set it back down.
"So while they're busy having their little reunion, the apprentice of all people taps me on the shoulder and whispers, 'now's our chance, let's get out of here,' and well that seemed pretty sensible so we ran for a bit and then scaled a tree. He was a real gentleman about the whole thing, much more so than either of those two vermin, for sure. They found us eventually, but then Muinaner - that’s the apprentice - challenged Faucano and absolutely destroyed him. It was so hot."
"Lalwen!"
"What! It was! And Faucano was like 'who are you that came to me to learn but now reveals himself to be so skilled?' And Muinaner pulled off his hat and it was Liltamë!! Faucano's love from Valmar? She'd followed him to Tirion just to find him pining over me! He started crying, because I guess he'd assumed he could always go back to her if things didn't work out with me, and he begged her to take him back, but she just spat at him and held out a hand to me and said, 'would you like me to escort you home?' And of course I said yes, and we got to talking and became good friends, and he's so charming."
"Wait, he?" Findis asked, confused. Lalwen nodded, "She only realized when she disguised herself, but sometimes she's a nís and sometimes he's a nér. Actually… that's the other reason I wanted to stay with you this summer, besides still being upset at Atar and Ñolo for meddling in my business without even consulting me."
"And here I thought you just missed your favorite sister," Findis teased, having relaxed as her sister's story concluded much more happily than she’d feared. Lalwen rolled her eyes and said, "Who said you were my favorite sister?"
"How rude. But tell me what this other reason is," Findis waggled an eyebrow.
"Fëanáro may have seen me kissing Muinaner," she said, ignoring Findis' gasp of, 'Lalwen!' to continue, "... and overheard me flirting with Liltamë. And he may have misunderstood the situation and made a snide comment about habits that run in families. I didn't want to sit through a whole season of that."
"That little…" Findis grumbled, "When is Atar going to realize that he has to do something about him? He won't listen to anyone else."
"He used to listen to you," Lalwen said quietly. Findis pursed her lips, "It's been a long time since Fëanáro cared what I think or say."
Lalwen kindly didn't mention the fact that it had been rather precisely since one day over half a century past, the first and only time she'd heard her ever poised sister raise her voice. Likewise, Findis kindly didn't regale her with the two decades of expectations that had brought her to that point. The last thing she wanted to do was foist her resentment at her lost childhood on her little sister who'd been lucky enough to have one.
Instead, she hummed and said, "Perhaps we should eat while the food is still warm."
Later that night, after only a small internal debate, Findis said, "If you're old enough for the kind of nonsense you've been getting up to, you're old enough to drink," and opened one of her best bottles of wine. Two hours and many glasses later, they were giggling over a recount of Muinaner's verbal duel with Faucano, when Findis suddenly got an idea.
"Lalwen," she said, thinking she was whispering, "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course," Lalwen whispered back, equally as loud.
"I'm a calquemaitar."
Lalwen smiled, “Oh, that’s nice. I always wondered what you did out here. Have you written anything good?”
“Oh, you know, just Lessons on Eavesdropping and Other Courtly Mishaps , and Words to the Wise: A Traditional Farce .”
Lalwen burst out laughing, “Yeah, and I invented the Tengwar.”
“You know that phrase doesn’t have quite the same effect in this family as it does for the rest of Valinor, right?” Findis said, “But I’m serious.”
“No you’re not.”
“I am!” she insisted, and Lalwen narrowed her eyes at her.
“C’mon,” Findis pleaded, “I was so afraid somebody would figure me out after Lessons on Eavesdropping , I thought I was being so obvious!”
“Wait…,” Lalwen frowned, “Holy shit. If you’re joking I’m gonna be so mad, but… is that about Fëanáro and Nerdanel?”
“Obviously,” Findis grinned, “You have no idea how relieved I am that he didn’t put that together.”
“Or Nerdanel.”
“Or Nerdanel,” she agreed, “Can’t believe he found somebody scarier than he is and convinced her to marry him.”
Lalwen snorted, before her eyes widened, “Holy shit! You’re Lornil the Calquemaitar?”
“Yep.”
“You’re the most famous calquemaitar in Valinor!” Lalwen whacked her on the shoulder, “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Did I not just say I’m terrified our dear half-brother will find out I’ve publicized his love life under a pen name?”
Lalwen looked at her for a moment before conceding, “Fair point. Still though… what the fuck?”
Findis shrugged, “I didn’t expect it to take off like that, but I guess I’m not the only one who finds his antics funny, once they’re properly removed from his position of power.”
“Huh,” Lalwen nodded, “Makes sense, I guess. But… why tell me now?”
“Ah, yes,” Findis remembered herself, “How would you feel if I turned that little story of yours into my next calaquett?”
“Oh,” Lalwen said, pausing with her cup halfway to her mouth. She stared into the deep red liquid, and Findis waited. She didn’t want to pressure her sister into agreeing, but she also thought this would make for a fantastic story on stage. It would be quite shocking, too, as the Vanyar who made up the majority of her audience tended to be far more strict about things like gender and relationships. Perhaps this sort of story might push them towards a more open-minded attitude, or perhaps not, but either way, her fame as a calquemaitar was already well enough established that a controversy could only improve it.
“Um… you’d change the names, right?”
“You’d be about as recognizable as Fëanáro and Nerdanel are in Lessons on Eavesdropping .”
“Oh, well that’s alright then,” she nodded, “Fuck yeah, I’m down.”
“You can’t tell anyone it’s about you,” Findis reminded her, “Or that I wrote it.”
Lalwen frowned, “What about Liltamë?”
Findis smirked, “Only if you marry her first.”
“Findis!” Lalwen protested, but her blush betrayed her.
“Ooh, you’re actually thinking about it, aren’t you?” Findis grinned.
“Maybe,” her sister bit her lip, though a smile grew across her face regardless. Findis set her empty glass down and rubbed her hands together, “Why don’t I open another bottle, and you can tell me some more?”
Not waiting for an answer and thoroughly ignoring the Findis! that followed her, she headed into the kitchen. For one moment, she wondered why she kept her distance from her family; this was easy and fun, and she had missed having siblings to tease. A melancholy threatened to sweep over her as the wine buzzed in her veins. Why couldn’t it be this easy all the time? She shook her head. The family drama wasn’t her problem, and she wasn’t about to let it encroach on the life she’d built for herself out here. She would simply focus on the good -
Like having an entire summer to poke fun at her newly grown up little sister, and maybe write the next big scandal in Valmar with her.