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“So,” Shepard says, surveying the lake with a critical eye. “You have a lake.”
“My parents have a lake,” Kaidan corrects, while trying not to stare at the way Shepard’s swim trunks sit on his hips. “It came with the land.”
Just under five acres, at the back of the property. There’s even a relatively new looking jon boat tied up at the dock. Kaidan wonders if his parents ever use it. He and Shepard stand near the edge of the water, because apparently Shepard needs to judge it before he gets in it.
“Very impressive,” Shepard says with a wise nod. The sun does gorgeous things to his skin, but he’s not really supposed to be looking at that, either. God help him if that breeze picks up again and goosebumps get involved.
“Do you want to go swimming, or do you want to make me feel weird about my family’s financial status?”
“Did I say anything about your family’s financial status?”
“Your tone did.”
“I don’t have a tone.”
“That? Right there? That was the tone.”
Shepard opens his mouth to make a smartass response, but then frowns and squints at something off to the right. “What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“That thing over there. The bird.”
Kaidan follows his gaze. “A goose.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“It’s Canada, Shepard. We have geese here.”
“You say that like it’s common knowledge for someone who’s from a few million lightyears away.” He frowns again as the goose scuttles in their direction. “Are they, uh. Are they aggressive?”
“Aggressive? Um. I mean, they can be territorial, but. It’s a goose. Ignore it.”
“Yeah, but it’s not ignoring me. I know an enemy when I see one, Kaidan, and that bird over there has no fucks to give.”
The goose is, in fact, booking it right towards them, like a missile locked on target, and Shepard might actually be on to something – the look in the bird’s eye suggests a lot of hate in its heart.
“Um,” Kaidan says before Shepard grabs him by the wrist and runs for the lake, dragging Kaidan with him. They hit the water churning and splashing, Shepard’s grip on his wrist ironclad, and Kaidan too taken aback to stop him until he’s neck deep and spitting water out of his mouth.
“Shepard what the hell are you doing?” Kaidan sputters. “This is where it lives.”
“They live in water? I thought those were ducks!”
“Also geese!”
“Well, I’m sorry I was too busy saving our lives to stop and ask.”
They bob in the water for a moment, Shepard’s hand still on his wrist, staring at the giant goose with a black-feathered head, standing sagely on the shore, watching them with empty eyes.
“Well…it didn’t follow us,” Shepard ventures.
Kaidan frowns. “Weird.”
Shepard finally lets go of his arm and sucks air in through his teeth. “Fuck me, this water is freezing. What the fu—”
The goose puffs up its feathers, and hisses.
“They hiss?” Shepard yelps. “I thought those were cats.”
“Also geese!”
The goose unfurls its wings and flaps threateningly, before pinning them shut and barreling into the lake. Shepard yelps again and swims behind Kaidan, throwing his arms around his neck and wrapping his feet around his waist.
“Are you fucking with me?” Kaidan demands, daring to take his eyes off the charging goose to shoot him a look of disbelief. “You’re using me as a shield?”
“I don’t have a gun, Kaidan.”
“What, and you think I have one stuffed in my bathing suit?
In spite of everything, Shepard ducks his chin, nose dangerously close to crook of Kaidan’s neck, and sniggers.
The goose, ludicrously enough, comes to a dead halt less than a meter away, all signs of aggression gone, and merely floats serenely in place.
“Um,” Kaidan says.
“Okay, this is weird, right? It’s not just me. This is weird.”
“…Yeah, this is weird.”
They both stare at the goose, which paddles peacefully in a slow circle around them, like it’s on patrol. Every time Shepard attempts to let go of Kaidan, it puffs up and prepares to go on the offensive again.
“…So are we just trapped in this freezing cold lake being held prisoner by a goose?” Shepard asks.
“It, uh, kinda looks that way, yeah.”
There are probably worse places he could be than trapped in a freezing cold lake with Shepard’s arms and legs around him, but. They probably do need to find a solution sooner rather than later.
The lake is really fucking cold.
The goose floats in front of them, beady eyes watching their every move.
“Is that something around its neck?” Kaidan asks.
“Probably a nametag that says, ‘Hello, My Name Is Minion From Hell.’”
Kaidan squints. “Soulmate Goose of Enforcement,” he reads.
“You’re full of shit.”
“That’s what it says.”
“You’re full of shit. What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It’s a goose called Soulmate Goose of Enforcement that gets pissed off whenever you let go of me,” Kaidan says, and somehow saying it out loud makes it sound a lot more insane.
They stare at it some more. Shepard unwinds his arms from Kaidan’s shoulders. The goose, hisses, honks, and flaps its wings. Shepard sucks in a breath and immediately wraps both arms back around him. Kaidan grips one of Shepard’s forearms with both hands, and not for entirely altruistic, life-saving reasons. The rise and fall of Shepard’s chest against his back, the warm exhales of breath against his neck…well, it’s a good thing the water is cold.
“Soulmate Goose of Enforcement,” Shepard repeats. “Do you think Beaudoin has a hand in this?”
“In siccing a wild goose with a stupid name tag at us in the middle of nowhere?”
“What, like you think that’s not something he’s capable of doing?”
Hm. Shepard has a point.
Shepard shifts his position on Kaidan’s back, cheek resting against Kaidan’s. On accident. Surely by accident.
Right?
“I, uh, have an idea,” Shepard says.
“I'm all ears.”
“It's not a good idea.”
“Better than no ideas.”
“Before I say it, I just need you to know that the alternative is punching the goose.”
“What's' the idea, Shepard?”
“Kiss me.”
“What?”
“I told you it was a stupid idea.”
“What is kissing going to do about this situation?”
Shepard waves an arm. The goose hisses. Shepard clutches Kaidan until it backs down again. “It’s the Goose of Soulmate Enforcement, and like you said, it gets pissed off whenever I let go of you. If it thinks we’re soulmates, just kiss me to make it happy.”
“You think…the goose…actually believes it’s a Soulmate Enforcer. Suggesting not only that soulmates are a thing it needs to enforce, but also that a goose understands the concept of a soulmate and thinks we are soulmates.”
“Okay, fine, I’ll just punch it.”
Shepard turns him loose and starts swimming towards the goose, but it’s Kaidan’s turn to grab his wrist right as the goose really starts to take offense, and pull him into his chest. He’s shivering so hard he misses the first time and grazes Shepard’s nose, and then bonks him in the forehead on the second attempt. It’s only on the third try that he finds Shepard’s lips – which are just as freezing as the lake – and manages to quiet his chattering teeth long enough to kiss them.
He intends it to just be a quick peck, like they’ve been caught under some mistletoe and have to pay for their freedom. It’s a goose, after all, this is insane, and there’s no way it accomplishes anything other than making things really awkward later.
But it’s not a quick peck. Shepard doesn’t let it be a quick peck. Shepard kisses him back, like he means it, like it’s the only thing in the universe that matters, and Kaidan falls into it like quicksand.
They kiss. They keep kissing, until their lips are warm, the cold of the lake retreats to the back of his mind, Shepard’s arms loop around his neck, legs hook around his waist, and his fingers get lost in Kaidan’s hair. They kiss like it’s the only thing they know how to do, and the thought of letting go is like trying to stop breathing.
Kaidan can’t do it.
Well, okay, when they run out of air and start to gasp he figures out a way to stop, but as if to make up for it, Shepard draws him in and rests their foreheads together, body trembling.
“Wow,” Kaidan says, when he can catch his breath.
“What, um. What is the goose doing?” Shepard asks.
Kaidan cranes his head to see past Shepard, and blinks. “Um. It’s gone.”
“The goose is gone? You mean it’s going away, right?”
“No, I mean it’s gone. I don’t see it.”
Shepard twists in Kaidan’s arms – very notably not letting him go – eyes widening in disbelief. “Holy shit. You’re right. It’s gone.”
“I, uh, I guess it worked.”
“A goose that believes in soulmates.”
“Did we really get attacked by a soulmate goose? We didn’t just make that up, or hallucinate it, right?”
“…No? I’m pretty sure there was an actual goose.” Shepard turns back around, and the way his gaze drops down to Kaidan’s lips sends a shot of warmth right through to his numb toes. “So. Uh. I guess we’re saved. Don’t need to do that again.”
“Yeah…unless. Um. Unless you want to.”
“…Do you?”
“If I said yes, would—”
Kaidan is already kissing him. God, it’s good. Really good. Really, really good. Except—
“Okay, I really don’t want to stop, but, uh.”
“It’s fucking freezing in here,” Shepard finishes.
“It’s so cold. I can’t feel my feet. Or my fingers.”
“We should kiss where it’s not freezing.”
“Basically, anywhere but right here.”
“Exactly.”
They let go of each other – no goose in sight – and start swimming to shore, though Shepard takes Kaidan’s hands in his and grips it firmly. Just in case.
“Did you really just kiss me to save us from a homicidal goose?” Kaidan asks, because no matter how many times they say it out loud it sounds like a fever dream.
“Yes. But. If we’re being honest, it’s very possible I just wanted to kiss you, and figured at the time I didn’t really have much to lose.”
“Okay, see, I want to kiss you again right now, so we should hurry the hell up and find our towels.”
“Soulmate goose,” Shepard murmurs as they slosh their way out of the water. “Do you believe in soulmates?”
“No,” Kaidan says, squeezing his hand tighter. “But I believe in you.”