Work Text:
Original text: lots of links! Found below in the transcript at the links for each tumblr user. The main thread we're working off of here is
Producer: rhythmia
Editors: DevilWithABirdDress and Rindle
Length: 15:32, 11.1 MB
Cover: by semperfiona
Cover image description:
podfic cover featuring a metal tankard, a box of dry milk, and a small can of evaporated milk surrounding a mound of white, powdered milk. On the left is a column of podficcer credits. The tankard has the text "The Theatrical Side of Tumblr." The box has been edited to read "Evaporated (?) Dry Milk" with a popout label of "shitpost!" The can has been labeled "Evaporated Milk" and the popout labels read "Fun Podfic!" and "Multivoice."
Download: click through to Mediafire for mp3 or right-click and "save link as" with this archive.org link for mp3, or see player below to stream. You can also download the wav at the main archive.org page.
Transcript below. Original text found at the links for each tumblr user. Thank you SO MUCH to all the folks of tumblr who were kind enough to let us use their words for the podfic and reproduce them here for the transcript.
Narrator:
Gather round, audience members, fellow hooligans, and assorted entities of interest, for a tumblr thread full of evaporated milk discourse.
Featuring in order of appearance:
- rhythmia as the narrator and executive producer of this circus
- esbielle as oceaneyes1834
- Aliteralgarbageheap as buthowaminotdeadyet
- Joc as derinthescarletpescatarian
- blackglass as andmakelovingyoumyburningbrand AKA fka-d-c-walker
- Jetainia as jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists
- grrreed_pods as jesin00
- semperfiona as boopboopboopbadoop
- Jacks_long_coat as flipocrite
- deepestbluesky as vel0000vet
- Djapchan as purposeless-lovelydreams AKA pyncheslynches
- honeyedgold as dariusblake
- DevilWithABirdDress as e-the-village-cryptid
- godoflaundrybaskets as radishnt
- CompassRose as thehatmage
- cheshiretears as the-lonely-desolation
Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear
no no it’s what left behind after the milk has been evaporated cuz only the water goes, not the other stuff
THERE’S WATER IN MILK?
WHAT DID YOU THINK THE LIQUID WAS?
IDK ISNT MILK ITS OWN LIQUID?
NO
IT'S MILK-STUFF MIXED WITH WATER
MILK STUFF? DOESNT IT JUST COME FROM THE COW’S TIT?
ITS LIKE TIT JUICE, THERE IS WATER IN JUICE AND THERE IS WATER IN MILK
It’s fat droplets suspended in water, with some nutrients and soforth dissolved in it. You know, like ranch dressing.
Evaporated milk is just dehydrated milk.
andmakelovingyoumyburningbrand aka fka-d-c-walker
Obsessed with the user who assumed milk was its own element on the periodic table
As op I felt like I had to make this
image description: a periodic table of the elements that has been edited so that on the bottom section, which consists of two rows of elements, the element Mk has been added on the end of the first row. End ID
Milk, the forbidden 119th element
the only question left is if it’s a metal, non-metal, or metalloid.
OP seems to have classified it as a special case of halfnium, reclassified as a lanthanide. This has fascinating implications for electron orbital geometry.
Anyway it’s a rare earth metal apparently.
Yes I definitely classified it intentionally and knew exactly what I was doing when I put it with the lanthanides because I am never wrong
MILK IS A RARE EARTH METAL
I thought so, I took one look at your classification and immediately thought “this is definitely someone with a deep understanding of how the periodic table works”
I’m glad that we have reached a consensus on the expected elemental properties of milk
I’d really like to know what @derinthescarletpescatarian’s thoughts are on milk’s electron orbital geometry
That would involve writing a crash course in how suborbitals work on a post about whether water (the primary ingredient in milk) is in milk and even for tumblr that’s going a bit far
no, it is absolutely not going too far
You guys always complain that you don’t get to learn stuff in normal ways and then you come asking for this
MILK IS SEVERAL COMPOUNDS PLEASE YALL ARE KILLING ME OVER HERE
We have a container of dry milk because in addition to a little fat and sugars, it contains proteins, which settle into the pores of nitrocellulose membranes, making sure analytical proteins (specific antibodies) don’t get trapped. We could just use casein (one of the proteins in milk), but milk is much cheaper and can also be found at Walmart.
No milk is a lanthanide keep up
Wrote a reblog that concludes with the pun: lactanide
I will put lego in all of your shoes
A cube of milk with 3 inches of edge length can blow up the galaxy.
Our galaxy is actually the result of such an explosion, that’s why we call it the Milky Way
purposeless-lovelydreams aka pyncheslynches
this is a unique sort of thread in which you’ll find two types of people exclusively: nerds and dumbasses
#nerds (affectionate) #dumbasses (affectionate) #love tumblr
Buddy, those aren’t two discrete categories. This bitch is a Venn Diagram, and the overlap is so big you could build a house in it.
Enter OCEAN EYES and NOT DEAD YET, two of the king’s most quarrelsome stablehands.
OCEAN
May one explain what powdered milk doth be?
Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.
NOT DEAD
The water flees to air, the rest is left.
The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.
OCEAN
Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?
NOT DEAD
Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?
OCEAN
Is milk not one pure substance in itself?
NOT DEAD
No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.
OCEAN
Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!
NOT DEAD
‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds.
If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.
Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.
DERIN
‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water,
As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens.
With water gone, the powdered milk remains.
A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.
BURNING BRAND’S NOTE
Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d
That milk is element of chemistry.
The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.
OCEAN
As he who instigated such a fight,
I felt that this creation was my duty.
OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.
OCEAN
Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.
Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.
JASON FUNDER BERKER
And yet the burning question still remains:
‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?
JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.
DERIN
A lanthinide! A special case, I see.
How fascinating, geometrically.
But let us leave atomic musings be.
For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.
OCEAN
Of course it is, for I am always right.
My choices are, of course, deliberate.
DERIN
I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord
Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d.
It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.
OCEAN
Of course; however, in sincerity
I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.
DERIN
I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension.
To teach to thee would take this much too far.
Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.
JESIN
Do teach us, it would not take this too far!
DERIN
Ye all complain of learning strangely,
Then ask me baiting questions such as this!
BOOP BOOP
Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death!
Milk is formed of small component parts.
The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine
They seep through pores of membranes in this drink
Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out.
All this obtained for small amounts of coin.
DERIN
No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.
FLIPOCRITE
The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.
DERIN
May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes
So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.
VELVET
A cube of milk, three inches on each side
Could blow up the entire galaxy.
DERIN
Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion.
‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”
LOVELY DREAMS
Thus ends our entertainment for the night
Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.
Exeunt, pursued by a cow.
(Shakespearean adaptation format inspired by @mortimermcmirestinks in the spicy pine needles post)
Narrator
A brief editor’s note in before all the folks with corrections in the notes:
Yes, various posters seem to reference totally dry milk (aka powdered milk in the US)
Yes, OP has since learned that evaporated milk is a liquid (which is dry…er than milk. It’s only partially evaporated so it’s a thicker, more condensed liquid)
And now, here are some noteable notes and considerations:
From the boiling tea post comes:
what the fuck these r my mutuals
Narrator
And please consider the following:
Just… In the interest of being as equally unhelpful to the prompt while still doling out relatively useless information. The term Milky Way comes from a Greek phrase γαλακτικός κύκλος (galaktikos kýklos) which translates as “milky circle” or “milky vault.” Which comes from the story of baby Heracles boob nomming too hard on Hera and getting absolutely yeeted for it.
All I got from this was that you definitely could have evaporated breast milk and I don't know exactly what to do with that information but if I had to consider it so do you
Wrote in tags: #whenever i need a little cheering up i just scroll through the tags on this post #hellsite (affectionate) #my favorite is the person who finally got to use their 'grade A unpasteurized shitposts' tag on an actual post about milk
Y’know, I almost looked up what evaporated milk was instead of making the post
Tagged with: #tbh a better timeline #evaporated milk