Work Text:
Original text: lots of links! Found below in the transcript at the links for each tumblr user. The main thread we're working off of here is:
https://oceaneyes1834.tumblr.com/post/671464447355797504/at-least-i-know-now
Producer: rhythmia
Editors: DevilWithABirdDress and Rindle
Length: 13:39, 9.77 MB
Cover: by semperfiona
Cover image description:
podfic cover featuring a beaker, a box of dry milk, and a small can of evaporated milk surrounding a mound of white, powdered milk. On the left is a column of podficcer credits. The beaker has the text "The Science Side of Tumblr." The box has been edited to read "Evaporated (?) Dry Milk" with a popout label of "shitpost!" The can has been labeled "Evaporated Milk" and the popout labels read "Fun Podfic!" and "Multivoice."
Download: click through to Mediafire for mp3 or right-click and "save link as" with this archive.org link for mp3, or see player below to stream. You can also download the wav at the main archive.org page.
Transcript below. Original text found at the links for each tumblr user. Thank you SO MUCH to all the folks of tumblr who were kind enough to let us use their words for the podfic and reproduce them here for the transcript.
Narrator:
Gather round, discerning guests, fellow miscreants, and assorted cryptids, for a tumblr thread full of evaporated milk discourse.
Featuring in order of appearance:
- rhythmia as the narrator and executive producer of this circus
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esbielle as oceaneyes1834
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Aether as buthowaminotdeadyet
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Joc as derinthescarletpescatarian
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blackglass as andmakelovingyoumyburningbrand AKA fka-d-c-walker
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deepestbluesky as jasonfunderberkerthefrogexists
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Tipsy_Kitty as rabbitrabbit12323
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cookiemom6067 as jesin00
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honeyedgold as boopboopboopbadoop
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mistbornhero as frizzy-frizz-frizz
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Djapchan as janetm74
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Gwogobo as british-men-can-get-it AKA deez-no-relation
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cheshiretears as bobolobocus
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DevilWithABirdDress as sta-r-gazing
Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear
no no it’s what left behind after the milk has been evaporated cuz only the water goes, not the other stuff
THERE’S WATER IN MILK?
WHAT DID YOU THINK THE LIQUID WAS?
IDK ISNT MILK ITS OWN LIQUID?
NO
IT'S MILK-STUFF MIXED WITH WATER
MILK STUFF? DOESNT IT JUST COME FROM THE COW’S TIT?
ITS LIKE TIT JUICE, THERE IS WATER IN JUICE AND THERE IS WATER IN MILK
It’s fat droplets suspended in water, with some nutrients and soforth dissolved in it. You know, like ranch dressing.
Evaporated milk is just dehydrated milk.
andmakelovingyoumyburningbrand aka fka-d-c-walker
Obsessed with the user who assumed milk was its own element on the periodic table
As op I felt like I had to make this
image description: a periodic table of the elements that has been edited so that on the bottom section, which consists of two rows of elements, the element Mk [M K] has been added on the end of the first row. End ID
Milk, the forbidden 119th element
the only question left is if it’s a metal, non-metal, or metalloid.
OP seems to have classified it as a special case of halfnium, reclassified as a lanthanide. This has fascinating implications for electron orbital geometry.
Anyway it’s a rare earth metal apparently.
What is the atomic weight of milk? Asking for a cow friend.
According to this placement it has to be somewhere between 175 and 181, but I’d go with Hafnium’s weight at around 178.5 . Might possibly be up or down a neutron since I don’t see any other way you’d get non-hafnium behaviour out of it without changing the atomic number.
Yes I definitely classified it intentionally and knew exactly what I was doing when I put it with the lanthanides because I am never wrong
MILK IS A RARE EARTH METAL
I thought so, I took one look at your classification and immediately thought “this is definitely someone with a deep understanding of how the periodic table works”
I’m glad that we have reached a consensus on the expected elemental properties of milk
I’d really like to know what @derinthescarletpescatarian’s thoughts are on milk’s electron orbital geometry
That would involve writing a crash course in how suborbitals work on a post about whether water (the primary ingredient in milk) is in milk and even for tumblr that’s going a bit far
no, it is absolutely not going too far
You guys always complain that you don’t get to learn stuff in normal ways and then you come asking for this
MILK IS SEVERAL COMPOUNDS PLEASE YALL ARE KILLING ME OVER HERE
We have a container of dry milk because in addition to a little fat and sugars, it contains proteins, which settle into the pores of nitrocellulose membranes, making sure analytical proteins (specific antibodies) don’t get trapped. We could just use casein (one of the proteins in milk), but milk is much cheaper and can also be found at Walmart.
No milk is a lanthanide keep up
@derinthescarletpescatarian Edited, properly sourced, and now viewable to the public!
Narrator:
Editor’s note: boopboopboopbadoop then includes a google doc link.
The link directs to an 18-page paper they wrote titled "The Discovery of the Lanthanides and Actinides" which has been edited to include the following key paragraph AND bibliography citation that reads:
boopboopboopbadoop:
"In 1913, Moseley discovered the x-ray diffraction could be used to determine atomic numbers. He concluded that there were 14 elements between lanthanum and hafnium, which meant there was a missing lanthanide, element 61. By 1947 (with the discovery of promethium), all the lanthanides were thought to have been found and isolated (Evans, 1990). However, there was one left to discover; milk. Milk was discovered only a few days ago (December 2021) to be element 119, which fits quite awkwardly in the lanthanide period. Theoretically, element 119 should be classified as an alkali metal, but milk, which was previously believed to be a mixture of several biological molecules/macromolecules, has been demonstrated by Derin et. al. to show properties of lanthanides, potentially revolutionizing orbital theory (Derin, 2021).
with sources cited as
Derin, T. S. P. T., 1834, O. E., Not Dead Yet, B. H. A. I., My Burning Brand, A. M. L. Y., Frog Exists, J. F. T., & 00, J. (2021, December 22). Investigation of Evaporated Milk as a Concept [web log]. Retrieved December 23, 2021, from https:// derinthescarletpescatarian.tumblr.com /post/671321702832160768/no-milk-is-a lanthanide-keep-up.)
This new knowledge is groundbreaking!
You. I love you very much. What do you think the crystal lattice structure would be for Milk Nitrites?
After conducting a preliminary literature review, I found this infographic and a paywall (booo).
image description:
A series of three diagrams showing the molecular structure when various lanthanides have a nitrogen atom with two oxygen atoms stuck to them to make them into nitrites
The diagrams look like sharp irregular crystals.
Below the molecular diagrams is the row from the periodic table that includes the lanthanides. End ID
Based on what little of the paper I was allowed to read without paying $45, the crystal structure loses complexity as the lanthanide gets bigger (Yttrium is sometimes considered a lanthanide despite not being in the f block because of its properties, which make it really hard to distinguish from lanthanides in practice)
Yttrium and Samarium both form 6 armed complexes while ytterbium forms a 5 armed complex.
Based on this, I believe that milk nitrites (since milk is the heaviest lanthanide) would have a highly uniform structure and potentially 4 arms rather than 5
Excellent science, truly worth of publication.
This post escalated dramatically
Wait. If milk makes highly uniform 4-armed structures.
MILK DIAMONDS.
#milk nitrite diamonds close enough #should we begin the search for milk-based life or
I’m still hung up on the fact that evaporated milk is still a liquid… so just some of the water is gone?
yeah 60% of the water is gone. It’s actually a significantly thicker liquid than non-evaporated milk.
I feel like you can get milk powder? Would that be milk diamonds?
Nah that’d be milk graphite
op just wanted to know what evaporated milk is
At least I know now…
Tagged with:
#I DIDNT THINK THIS WOULD ESCALATE THIS BAD LMAO
#I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHY IT WAS CALLED EVAPORATED MILK
#evaporated milk #long post