Chapter Text
Shinya knew that this wasn’t right. He knew that he wasn’t right. As his best friend sobbed in his arms, he knew everything about this was wrong.
All he wanted was to comfort Guren, to heal his heart. And yet, as he saw his most precious person breaking before him, he couldn’t help but be a little angry. Well, more than a little angry.
Shinya wasn’t sure exactly what the black emotions swirling inside him were, but every time Guren woke up with another nightmare, every time he saw the strongest, purest man in the world cry, he felt this stabbing pain behind his temples as if Mahiru’s curse could somehow come out of Guren’s sword unbidden to attack him.
She had been his fiancée, hadn’t she? He should have been the one to kill her, not Guren. And he would have. He knew it. He would have killed her a thousand times if it meant saving him from this.
He wished he could leap into where-ever it was that demons lived and find her. Find her and demand to know why, why she had squandered her chance to be with this man. Why she would ever, even for a moment think about throwing away a lifetime with someone who seemed to shine like the sun, a bright light in a fallen world.
If it were me…
Shinya noticed that Guren’s sobs had subsided now into slow, rhythmic breaths. He sighed in relief. It seemed the worst was over.
Right after her death, Guren’s nightmares had been constant, and knowing the depth of his friend’s kindness, Shinya had insisted on staying near Guren while he slept. He’d imposed himself, using all the privilege that his name, Hiiragi, could muster to ensure that he slept outside Guren’s door.
Exactly for times like this, when Guren would wake screaming with grief, Shinya could be there.
He treasured his cot by the door, and it wasn’t long before he realized why.
Shinya always covered everything up with a laugh and smile, hiding his heart away, but at the very least, he knew he had to be honest with himself. And if he was honest, it was all as clear as day. The reason for his anger at Mahiru. The reason he found himself sometimes hating her. The reason why, even as he wished nothing more than to comfort Guren, he still felt his heart rise when his best friend buried his head in his shoulder.
Shinya was in love with Guren.
Remembering the first day they met, when he’d put Guren through that stupid little test. Shinya suspected it was then, even at their first meeting, that the gods had written this fate on his heart. Maybe it was for the sins of his past life, or more likely, for selling his soul to the Hiiragi, that the universe had decreed that he, Hiiragi Shinya, would fall in love. He would fall in love not only with a man, which was already enough of a problem, but also with one who already loved someone else.
Shinya had been certain that whatever the reason was that the gods had decided to punish him with this hopeless love, he most certainly deserved it. After all, what could be more cosmically ironic than falling in love with your best friend who is in love with your fiancée.
But now, Mahiru was dead. And it was he who held Guren in his arms.
As, he slowly eased the now sleeping Guren back under the covers, pulling them up under his chin, Shinya felt a stab of guilt right through his chest. He stood up quickly and exited the room, falling ungracefully onto the cot in the hallway.
Shinya had the sudden urge to punch himself. What was that he had felt? A glimmer of hope? What kind of disgusting person hopes that their loved one will look their way now that their rival is dead? Worse, Mahiru had never even been a rival, she had defeated him from the start. So, what was this going on in his heart? Just who did he think he was?
Shinya rolled on to his stomach, gritting his teeth until they hurt. Now he was the one who wanted to cry, not in mourning for some fiancée who had been forced on him, not even for his friend who was suffering far worse than he, but for himself. For the pathetic, jealous, loathsome, fallen, lonely person that he was.
And yet, as he mentally thrashed himself again and again, reminding himself of his duty as a friend and a decent human being, that flutter of hope wasn’t going away. No matter how many times he told himself that it was hopeless, that it was despicable for him to even think that he had a chance, his heart would not let go of this, his deepest, darkest, most selfish wish:
Guren, please fall in love with me.