Chapter Text
The sound of his name and the press of hands to either side of his face forced Andrew's body awake in an instant. His mind was slower. The dim blue of his bedroom warred with the remnants of the nightmare that had been his unchallenged reality only moments ago. He thrashed, instinct forcing his tired limbs to obey hard learned lessons. He knew that his own confusion was a weapon that could be used against him. Better to fight first and ask questions later. For a terrifying moment, he traded blows with the past and the present at once. Then he felt the body beneath him go slack. Andrew felt keen relief, and then horror as his mind cleared enough to understand what he’d done.
Neil was pinned beneath him, Andrew’s calves pressing into his thighs, one hand braced on Neils shoulder and the other closed around his throat.
“Andrew.” Neil said, his voice strangled by Andrew’s grip. His pulse raced against Andrew’s palm, but his eyes were cool and determined.
Andrew managed to wrangle control of his limbs long enough to yank his hand away from Neils windpipe. The rest of his body remained frozen. Neil heaved a relieved breath, tilting his head back as his lungs expanded, and then settled his gaze back on Andrew’s face. His eyes were searching.
“You were dreaming. You’re awake now.” Neil said when he’d caught his breath. His reassurance landed like a blow to Andrew’s chest. Neil was trying to comfort him. Andrew just had his hand around his throat, and Neil wasted his first breath trying to bring Andrew back to himself.
The absurdity of it finally jolted Andrew from his sleeping nightmare fully into this waking one. He was in his bedroom in Columbia, in the bed he shared with Neil when they came here now. Clumsily, he scrambled off of Neil to the foot of the bed, bracing himself on the edge and letting his head fall towards his knees. He heard Neil sit up behind him, moving to keep Andrew in his line of sight.
“Don’t,” Andrew said, though he didn’t know then just what he was forbidding Neil from doing. The image of Neil trapped under him flashed through Andrew’s mind, bringing a wave of nausea with it. He was going to be sick, he was going to-
“Tell me what I can do.” Neil said calmly to the back of his head.
Fury coursed through Andrew’s limbs. He wrapped his arms around his center to keep it close to him, to contain the white hot rage in his core where it could only burn him. “You know better than to wake me up.” He choked out.
“Andrew-”
“ You know better. ” Andrew said again, whipping his head around to face Neil.
The ice in those blue eyes doused the heat in his stomach. “Honestly, Andrew, you were screaming .” Neil said. His voice twisted around the last word like it had done something to piss him off. “I’m not gonna let you take a hit if I can stop it. In here or out there.” Neil said, pointing first to his head and then gesturing broadly around the room.
Why did he always have to be so goddamn contrary? Andrew served him a steely glare. “I thought I told you to drop the martyr complex.”
“That’s not what this is.” Neil returned. “I tried to throw you off at first. But you wouldn’t calm down until I stopped fighting.”
Andrew didn’t miss the hint of pride in Neils voice. Pride that he’d figured it out- that during all these nights sleeping next to each other whenever Kevin was away, during every keenly observed attempt Nicky or Aaron made to wake him up after a post-game nap, Neil wasn’t just watching Andrew. He was learning. “Shut up.”
“It worked, didn’t it?” Neil continued. “I swear, I’m fine-”
“Shut up!” Andrew snapped. He brought his legs under him and turned around to face Neil. “You said you wouldn’t let me be like them.”
Neil startled as if he’d been struck. Andrew watched understanding twist Neil’s expression with furious conviction. “That’s not- stop it. No. Andrew, you’re not. You’re nothing like them.”
Andrew just stared at Neil’s throat where his hand had been.
“Listen to me.” Neil said. He waited until Andrew’s eyes met his. Andrew knew his stare was cold, hollow, but that had long since stopped deterring Neil from trying to reach him. “You were scared. I don’t know who you thought you were fighting, but I know it wasn’t me.” Neil said. In his eyes was a bitter urgency. “You weren’t trying to hurt me.”
“But I did.” He looked away, undeserving of the absolution in Neil’s gaze. “Don’t let it happen again.” Andrew meant for it to be a demand, but it came out sounding more like a plea.
“I can’t promise that.” Neil said firmly. “I want to try to figure this out.”
Figure this out ? He said it so easily. Like this was a problem for them to solve together. Like anything could fix the mess inside Andrew’s head. Like anyone could save a man who fought ghosts, who flinched at gentle touch, who hurt the one person that he-
“There’s no point.” Andrew insisted.
“Look, I’m not a fan of getting choked out every time I need to wake you up from a bad dream, but the solution isn’t just to ignore it. I’m done running, remember?”
Neil had told him the truth when he said he was done running. He promised to stay physically, but Andrew knew better than anyone that there were other ways to disappear. That he could be right next to someone and still a million miles away. It was a habit- retreating into himself when it was all too much. And there was a large part of him that was watching and waiting for Neil to do the same. Eventually Andrew would be too much, and one of these nights he would look into those blue eyes and see distance .
But not tonight. Tonight Neil’s eyes were disarmingly present, drawing Andrew out of his shame and into whatever this thing was between them.
“We’ll talk about it in the morning.” Neil suggested. “You can tell me what’s helpful and what makes it worse, and I’ll ask Dr. Dobson if she has any pointers.”
Andrew’s disinterested mask cracked at the mention of Bee. He knew how Neil felt about her, and while his aversion to her had softened since she’d made it possible for Andrew to come off of his medication, he never thought he’d see the day when Neil would volunteer to speak with her.
Neil registered the change. He kept his expression steady but in his eyes was a smile.
“I hate you.” Andrew said. He knew it meant he was giving in. A familiar feeling came over him, the feeling that came from doing what Neil asked of him. He knew this was what initially tipped the others off to this thing between them- they thought Neil had the unique ability to control him, to reign in his most destructive impulses. But they were wrong. It never felt like surrendering control, not with Neil. It felt like putting down a weight he’d been carrying for a very, very long time.
“105%?” Neil yawned widely and began to stretch out on his side of the bed allowing his head to fall back on the pillow.
“Six.” Andrew crept back up to his pillow and lay facing Neil. They looked at each other silently for a long time. Andrew always thought Neil would get tired of his impassive observation- this staring contest they’d both been losing for over a year now. He watched a thousand thoughts flicker within Neil’s eyes, saw him consider each one, turning it to the light and deciding if it was worth sharing.
“I get them too, you know. More often since Baltimore.” Neil said, after a while. “Sometimes I’m back there, in the car with Lola. But sometimes it’s not me. It’s the Foxes, or Coach. Sometimes it’s you.” Neil exhaled a pained breath. “I would never leave you there.”
Baltimore had featured heavily in Andrew’s nightmares since the spring too. He woke from those nightmares paralyzed and cold, no one to fight or flee from, just sick grief. And fear. Absolute, mortal fear.
Andrew used to worry over his fears like they were slowly peeling scabs. How close can I get to the thing that will kill me? He would ask, as he sat on the edge of the dorm roof, flicking ash into the wind. It was a game. He imagined his body in freefall, the blunt force of hitting the ground. What height would maim him? What height would kill him? How would his body break against the earth?
It was a useless thought experiment. Andrew knew now that he could never tell if the drop would kill him until he was already falling. Letting Neil in had proven as much. Even back in Binghamton, he was already too high, already falling too fast, accelerating with irreversible momentum towards his own annihilation.
If things had gone differently for Neil in Baltimore, they would have had to peel him off the sidewalk.
“Hey,” Neil said, when Andrew hadn’t said anything in a while. “Can I…?” Neil reached one hand towards Andrew, letting it hover in space between them.
Maybe it would still kill him, this thing between them. Maybe Andrew would take Neil down with him when he went. Maybe their nightmares would eat them both alive.
“Yes.”
Neil let his fingers dance with strands of Andrews hair, getting all tangled together with the softest parts of him. Eventually he cupped the back of Andrew’s head, firm pressure tempering the tenderness that still didn’t feel safe yet. He brought their foreheads together and closed his eyes.
Andrew felt all his resistance break like a wave against a rocky shore. Everything he’d been trying to deny himself came in a rush- terrified desire and roughshod hope. He softly pressed his lips to Neil’s, the ghost of a kiss. An invitation and an apology and promise. A promise to try to figure this out- whatever that meant.
Can we have this? A small voice within Andrew asked. Is it that simple? When I get lost, you’ll bring me back. Bring me back here. It was exactly what he’d been afraid of this whole time. Needing Neil. Falling for him.
Only now that it was happening, it didn’t feel like a nightmare. It felt like a dream.