Work Text:
12.26 p.m.
"Peter, stop snooping around my apartment." Matt said while clearing up his coffee table.
"I'm not snooping! Just... looking."
"Sure. Can you throw these out?" Matt gathered all the take-out bags and gave them to Peter. "And where the hell is Wade?"
Peter shrugged. "He'll get here eventually."
All Matt could do was sigh. Saying Wade was unpredictable was an understatement. Sometimes the best tactic to tolerate him was just to ignore him.
Still. Wade could at least pretend to be a responsible adult. "Did I forget to mention this isn't a simple hangout? A new villain is trashing the city and we need to figure out who they are before it gets worse."
"Yeah, you mentioned that like a billion times." Peter rolled his eyes as he sat down on the sofa. "So, what's the first step?"
"I think-" Matt cut himself off, tilting his head in confusion. "What the fuck?"
"What is it?"
Peter's question was answered by Wade's shouting from the hallway. "Stay here! I said stay! Sit! Sweetie, can you not give me an attitude right now?"
Peter looked over at Matt, who let out the biggest sigh ever. He only let out those around Wade. They jokingly called them 'the Deadsighs'.
The blind man didn't look like he was going to move from his spot, angrily flexing his fists (not ominous at all), so Peter had to walk to the door alone. His spider sense was tingling in a weird way and Peter had no idea what to expect.
A cow.
Peter opened the door and a fucking cow was standing on the other side.
Peter made eye contact with the animal's big, black eyes as he gaped. He immediately stepped back, putting a distance between him and the animal.
"Wade."
"Yes, peanut?" Wade blinked innocently next to the cow. How the hell did he even get it up here?
"...What is this?"
"This is Dolly." Wade patted the cow's side.
Peter rubbed his eyes and tried to keep calm. "And why is Dolly here?"
"I found her."
"Where did you even find a cow in New York?"
Wade flapped his hand around. "Eh, things like that happen to me all the time. Plot just loves to follow me in mysterious ways. Aaaand," Wade hugged Dolly the Cow like a kid who just got a puppy for Christmas. "How could you leave this adorable little face all alone in the middle of the street?"
Peter looked at the said adorable little face, which, in his opinion, was more scary than cute (cows are intimidating, okay?) and gave Wade an unapproving look. "I'm pretty sure if you find a cow in some alley, you're supposed to call animal control or something."
"But I love her! I know they won't treat her like she deserves." Wade was still hugging the big animal. "So, I thought I could keep her."
"I'm pretty sure that's illegal."
"I've done worse. Anyways, can I come in-"
"Don't you dare." Matt was next to Peter in a blink of an eye (was he behind him all this time or was he just that fast?), standing in the middle of the doorway, glaring at Wade. "There's no way you're bringing that animal in here."
"But Matty-"
"No."
"What if-"
"No. Either you find where to put this thing somewhere else than my apartment or I'm dropping you both off the building."
Wade gasped as he covered Dolly's ears. "Not in front of Dollicia Elizabeth Cowleen the Third!"
Matt gave him a glare, which basically meant he was counting to ten.
"Fine!" Wade groaned. Or whined. A little bit of both. "I'll try to find a place that won't turn her into a steak." He grabbed the pink glittery leash tied around Dolly's neck (which Peter noticed just now) and started to pull her towards the stairs. "This is probably gonna take me a while, so don't wait up!" Wade yelled before disappearing around the corner.
Peter closed the door. "Wade's real superpower is to get himself involved in weird stuff like this."
They'll probably have to take care of the whole villain mystery themselves. Which was not surprising, but Wade was actually the one with the most detective skills. How ironic.
"I swear I'm getting a 'no Wade's bullshit allowed' sign on my door."
14.12 p.m.
Peter and Matt were working in a comfortable silence. Peter was going through old newspapers and documents provided by Foggy and Karen, which might give them some clues about the new villain in the city. Matt was the one calling everyone he could think of—restaurants, offices, shops... Basically, anyone who got a sight of the villain and might have overheard something. So far, neither of them had learned anything useful.
The TV was on in the background and some woman was talking about a terrible auto crash. Thankfully, no one was badly hurt.
Matt groaned after he ended the phone call. "This is useless."
"Don't say that. We can't expect to find everything in an hour."
"Well, we don't have anything. We clearly need to change our tactics."
Peter sighed and put down the papers he was holding. His eyes hurt from so much reading. "Yeah, maybe."
They both fell silent for a while, thinking. Peter turned his attention to the TV. The same woman was now talking about a tree that fell in front of the road, causing a huge traffic jam.
"Maybe we can't find them as Matt Murdock and Peter Parker." The blind man broke the silence.
Peter looked at him with a frown. "And what exactly would we do? Go around the city searching for them? Sounds like a waste of our time."
"We're wasting our time right now."
"You don't know that. Maybe the next call will have our answers."
Matt huffed. "Sure."
The woman on the TV touched her ear with her fingers lightly, listening to something in her earpiece.
"And," Matt continued with his suggestion. "We both know people are more willing to cooperate with our alter egos than us."
Peter wanted to argue with that, but he couldn't. It wasn't a surprise that people would rather talk to the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man than some scrawny nerd like Peter Parker. Still, there were other parts in that sentence that Peter didn't really like.
"Are you talking about threatening?" He crossed his arms.
Matt shrugged. "If it comes to that."
Peter opened his mouth to respond, but something caught his eye on the TV. The screen behind the newswoman showed a live recording from a helicopter. The main focus in the video was a bakery.
"Shit. Matt, turn up the volume."
Matt grabbed the remote from his left and did as Peter asked.
The woman was commenting on the recording. "I just got news about the destruction of a local bakery. It seems a lost cow wandered in and..." She listened to something in her earpiece. "Ate all the pastries and demolished several of the bakery's belongings? No one knows where this cow came from or how it got here. The bakery owner is as confused as us. Apparently, the cow was accompanied by a man dressed in red and got away before the police and animal control could get there."
Peter put his head in his hands. "Why does he have to be like this?" He whined.
Matt rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Great. Now we have to go find him and waste our time even more."
"Do we have to?"
"If he's planning on doing any more damage, then yes."
The woman on the TV had already moved on and was now talking about a new club opening in the city. A cow raiding a bakery probably isn't the craziest news you could hear in New York.
Peter stood up without much hurry. "Fine, let's get that idiot."
Matt turned off the TV and went to his closet, which had his suit. And other things. Things he'll probably hit Wade with.
"We should have never let him leave with that stupid cow." Matt complained as he put on his Daredevil pants, stumbling a little.
All Peter had to do was take off his current clothes since he was wearing the Spider-Man suit underneath. And you could say he was a master at doing it quickly. Wade would call this a sexual inuendo, but Peter literally means he had to quickly take off his clothes in some alley to go fight crime.
"I know. But I really didn't want to spend any time around Dolly." Peter shuddered.
Matt paused.
"Are you scared of cows?" He asked in a teasing tone.
Peter blushed as he put on his gloves. "I wouldn't say that... I just don't like them."
"You're scared of cows."
Peter really wished Matt didn't smirk the way he did after saying that. No, not saying. Stating.
"They're weird, okay? They're big and smelly and they let out all those weird sounds. And don't even get me started on the whole milking thing." Peter scrunched his whole face in disgust.
Matt's smirk grew even wider. "I'll put that information in my blackmail folder."
Peter scoffed. "I'm pretty sure knowing my identity is a bigger source of blackmail than my maybe-fear of cows."
Matt rolled his eyes, still smirking smugly. "Oh, so I can tell this Wade, then?"
Peter opened and closed his mouth like a fish. Wade knowing this would end up in jokes and puns about cows for eternity. And even worse, Wade would end every argument with, 'I don't think the man who fears cows should have an opinion about this'. And, oh god, the teasing. Peter was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to survive the experience.
Peter put on the Spider-Man mask. "Don't you dare." He said through his teeth, pointing an angry finger at the blind man.
Matt let out a laugh and put on his cowl as well. "See? Told you it was good blackmail material."
15.48 p.m.
Following Wade's tracks wasn't that hard. People usually noticed a cow walking through New York streets and were happy to tell Spider-Man and Daredevil in which direction it went. A lot of them were probably very confused about why two well-known vigilantes were looking for a cow. And both of the men didn’t want to answer that question.
And even if people wouldn't have told them anything, there was still a trail of broken windows, bent poles and, to their great disgust, giant shits. (Not very surprising since that cow ate a lot in that poor bakery)
Still, it took them an hour to finally see the red figure and the unmistakable cow standing by the river.
Matt grabbed Wade's shoulder harshly and turned him around to face him. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Dolly got thirsty, so I-"
Matt squeezed Wade's shoulder threateningly, shutting him up.
Peter had to cut in if he wanted this to not turn into a fight. "We thought you were going to find a safe place for the cow." He said while glancing at the animal.
Wade nodded in agreement. "Well, yeah. That's what I've been doing."
Matt let go of his shoulder, still glaring. "Sure. And also damaging and scaring the city while you're at it, right?"
Wade glanced at Dolly, who was minding her own business, drinking from the river, and shifted on his feet. "It was an accident, okay? I thought that Dolly must be hungry, so I went and bought her a donut, but it turns out she liked that a lot more than expected and decided to go get more- She ate like at least six cakes and a bunch of croissants. And you probably already know how that ended. I swear, I'll pay for all the damages!"
Peter only caught on to the most important part of that explanation. "You gave a cow a donut?"
Wade shrugged. "Sugar is good for energy and Dolly clearly loved it."
Matt took a big breath through his nose. "You didn't answer my question."
"I didn't?"
"You still haven't told us why you were wandering around the city in the first place."
"Oh, right. That." Wade laughed nervously. "I'm kind of running from animal control at the moment."
Peter blinked. "What?"
"They will probably hurt her! Lock her up in some cage or, even worse, give her to some meat factory!" Wade stepped back so he could hug Dolly's fat body. She was finished with drinking and was now staring at the three men. "I have to find her some farm where she could roam free and do whatever cows do." Wade said in that tone, which meant he wasn't joking. And he should have been joking, because what he just said was fucking ridiculous.
"A farm?" Matt repeated, skeptically. "In New York. Were you expecting to find one behind Target or are you really that dumb?"
Wade rolled his eyes. "Have some faith in me, jeez. I have a plan."
Peter narrowed his eyes. "Really? What's the plan exactly?"
"Well, first of all, I need to get a ride and then I'll just drive until I find some Smallville-type farm and pay the people to take care of her." Wade explained with confidence. "See? Pretty damn simple."
"Sure." Matt said dryly. "But you'll need a truck to fit her in it."
"I know."
Dolly started to chew on some grass, swinging her tail.
Peter folded his arms on his chest. "Wade, are you planning on stealing some truck?"
"I mean, is it really stealing if it's for the greater good?"
"It is."
"I'm not going to hurt anyone, promise!"
"You're not stealing anything." Matt said in a tone that meant he wouldn't be argued with.
Wade groaned. "When how am I supposed to drive her to her other cow friends, huh?"
"Renting a truck exists, dipshit."
Wade paused. "Oh. I haven't thought of that."
"Of course you didn't." Matt muttered under his breath and fished out his phone from a pocket to probably call about the truck.
Wade decided to ignore the blind man's annoyance and went to check up on Dolly.
"Hey, Dolly Molly. You like that grass, huh? It looks kind of dry, but you do you I guess." He scratched behind her ear.
Peter stared at them, having no idea how Wade could be so affectionate with a cow.
"Webs!" Wade probably noticed the staring. "You wanna pet her?"
"No, thank you."
"C'mon! No need to be shy. She won't bite." Wade joked.
Peter didn't actually believe that statement. About 22 people were killed by cows each year. Peter wasn't planning on being one of them.
"I'm not touching her." He shook his head.
"But just looook at her." Wade pulled Dolly's face into his embrace.
Peter was glad Wade couldn't see his disgusted expression.
"Yeah, I'm fine with just looking."
Thankfully, Wade waved him off and continued talking to Dolly like she was a cute kitty or something.
Matt finished talking on the phone and leaned against a tree. "They'll drive the truck to here in about twenty minutes. I had to say that the reason behind moving this cow was classified. I bet they think she's radioactive or something."
Wade snorted. "Just like you, Spidey!"
Peter just rolled his eyes and ignored him.
"So, it's better if we don't answer any questions. And I think we should actually look for some farms online rather than hoping on just finding one by luck."
Peter did a double take. "Wait. We?"
"I think we already learned that leaving Wade with this cow is a mistake." Matt replied calmly. The previous anger was replaced with his usual 'I don't give a fuck' attitude.
Peter let out a sigh. "Yeah. I guess."
Wade was bouncing on his heels from excitement. "Oh em gee, we're going to have a Team Red crack fic adventure!"
Matt didn't share the excitement. "This isn't supposed to be fun. You do know that because of this, we can't do more important things, like finding that new villain?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. I already have his address. We can visit him later. His name is Garret, by the way. I know, a terrible name." Wade said casually.
Peter gaped. "What? You do?"
"Well, duh! You don't? What were you doing for the past two hours?"
Matt blinked. "How long did you have that information?"
Wade tilted his head in thought. "Probably since yesterday, when you mentioned about finding him."
Matt groaned. "I hate you."
All that work and they had nothing, but somehow Wade fucking Wilson already had his name, address and probably favorite meal, if Matt knew anything about Deadpool.
Wade scoffed. "I think the words you're looking for are 'thank you', Horns."
Matt stayed silent, glaring at Wade.
Peter furrowed his eyebrows. "How did you even find him that fast?"
"C'mon! You think I became one of the most famous mercenaries in the world without any skills?"
"I guess not."
Wade rolled his eyes. "I'm feeling a little offended, to be honest."
"Well, I'm feeling a little bit pissed off." Matt replied with the same tone. "But it looks like we can't always be happy and dumb." He glared at Wade.
Wade glared back.
Dolly tried to chase away an annoying fly with her tail.
"For the record, I'm feeling a little bit hungry."
"Shut up, Peter."
17.35 p.m.
Matt lowered the music's volume, earning a groan from Wade.
"Come on! That was my song!"
"Every song can't be your song. And you can still hear it. All you need to do is shut up." Matt bit back. He was annoyed the whole ride and it didn't look like he would calm down in the near future.
Peter ignored the two bickering men. Which was hard since he was the unlucky one who was squished between them.
"According to this, there is quite a big farm half an hour from here." Peter informed while looking at his phone.
"You hear that, Dolly? You'll be getting a new, nice home!" Wade yelled while still keeping his eyes on the road. Thank god he was not that terrible of a driver.
The cow definitely didn't hear him and was probably sleeping in the back of the truck. Getting her there is a whole other story. The cow refused to step inside and they had to push her against her will. She even tried fighting them. Peter was five steps behind them the whole time, which was just great since he was the one with actual super strength. Maybe that was what started Matt's anger.
Peter put his phone down in front of Wade so he could see the directions. "I know we're treating this situation really casually for some reason, but it still got me thinking. This cow has to belong to someone, right?" He asked while looking at the view from the front window.
Wade scoffed. "Well, if they left behind this beautiful animal, they don't deserve to have her!"
Matt leaned his head against the window. "Who would even own a cow in the city? Maybe she was being transferred from some place and ran away or something."
"Wade, you were the one bragging about your detective skills. Maybe you should have figured out where Dolly came from before doing anything rash."
Wade put his free hand on his heart. "She came from my dreams."
Peter frowned. "Why do you have such an obsession with that cow?"
"Getting jealous, Pumpkin?"
Peter looked at him, unimpressed. "Oh no. A cow is stealing all your affection. Whatever will I do." He said sarcastically.
Wade grinned. "Don't worry, Pete. I love you both the same."
"That's actually insulting."
Matt groaned. "Can you argue about this later?"
Peter rolled his eyes but didn't reply. Wade was still grinning as he turned up the volume of the music again. Matt didn't even bother to turn it down and instead drowned in his misery with Baby One More Time in the background.
The remaining half an hour was spent mostly in silence. If you don't count Wade and Peter's singing and distant mooing from the back.
Peter was right; the farm was big. And a good place for Dolly to live. But it was probably not normal to just ask a stranger to take in a random cow, was it? Whatever the answer was, Wade was confident that his plan was completely logical.
He knocked on the door three times and waited. He wanted to knock again, but Matt stopped him; he could hear someone coming to the door.
A middle-aged woman with blonde hair in a bun opened the door with a confused look on her face. That was probably the best reaction you could have to Spider-Man, Daredevil and Deadpool standing at your doorway.
She probably was out of words to say something, but luckily Wade never was.
"Okay, here's the situation." Wade got right to the point, clapping once to get her attention. "There's a cow. She needs a home. That home could be your home."
The woman blinked.
"And I'll pay you?" Wade tried.
"Um, sorry, but we don't own any cows." The blonde woman finally spoke.
"It can be your first, then! I promise I'll pay for all her food and whatever else she needs."
The woman frowned, not looking that confused anymore. "I'm not interested. This is not a market and you're complete strangers."
Instead of replying, Wade moved to the side and waved his hands in front of Spider-Man as some market seller showing off his potatoes.
"This is the Amazing Spider-Man, lady! Everyone knows him!"
Peter nervously rubbed the back of his head, hating being put on a spot. Matt next to him snorted quietly. Lucky bastard.
The woman crossed her arms. "And? I don't understand how that should change my mind."
Wade angrily breathed out from his nose. Is he really about to argue with this lady about a cow?
"Listen," He walked up to her so he could tower over her, probably one of his scaring tactics. "This cow is lost and alone and all she needs is a place to sleep and some food. And I see over there that you have a barn." Wade pointed in its direction, far right.
"It's for our horses."
"I’m sure your horses would love a new friend."
"Do you even know what you’re talking about?"
The argument continued for forty minutes straight. Matt decided to leave and go sit in the truck five minutes in, knowing she wouldn't change her answer. Peter tried more than once to subtly tell Wade that they should go. After that failed, he said it bluntly. And after that didn't work, he joined Matt in the truck.
But Wade was in the heat of the moment. He tried to earn some pity for Dolly. Then he tried to bribe her. He even tried scaring her. But the woman never once moved from her position and kept saying no.
Basically, Wade's 'genius' plan didn't work at all. Probably not that surprising, but for some reason, it really didn't sound that bad at first. Maybe Matt and Peter are losing way too many brain cells these days.
19.02 p.m.
"Google says you should not approach lost cows. They could be aggressive."
Wade rolled his eyes as he stopped at the red light. "What does Google know?"
Peter gave him an unimpressed look. "A lot, Wade. A lot."
That caught Matt's attention, who had previously decided to pretend he wasn't there. "So, you're saying the cow wasn't aggressive when you approached her? Because it would be hard to believe that a cow would be calm with all the strange and loud noises, crowds of people, cars everywhere-"
"Dolly was a sweetheart." Wade interrupted him, looking like a proud father who just found out his kid is the best in their class.
Matt fell silent for a few moments. "You do know I know when you're lying, right?
Peter chuckled while still looking at something on Google.
The merc murmured something under his breath.
"Fine! She tried to kill me. Happy?" Wade confessed. "But that's how all of my best friendships start! You tried to kill me. Peter definitely thought about it. Wolverine tried to kill me. Oh, wait, he might still be trying. I should call him sometime, catch up, y'know? Ah shit I'm probably blocked. Do you by any chance have his number?"
While Wade proceeded to rant about all the stories when his friends tried to murder him, Matt dozed off into his own thoughts. Which was hard with cow stink all around him. Peter was still on his phone, as if it had any answers about this very weird and specific situation.
Eventually, Matt had to at least try to reason with Wade.
"We have to call animal control and the police."
"No!"
Peter sighed. "Why do you think they will hurt her? Aren't their job to protect animals?"
Wade scoffed. "Their job is putting them in cages. Dolly is not going into a cage." He stated darkly.
Matt took off his cowl. "Then what are we supposed to do? Call SHIELD? Let's not be ridiculous."
"Maybe some other farm-"
"Wade." Matt said his name like it was a curse. "I think we just saw that asking strangers to take in some cow is a stupid idea."
Matt expected Wade to argue, but he just sighed and kept his eyes on the road.
Peter tapped his knee. "What if someone is looking for her? I mean, a cow wouldn't just appear in New York out of nowhere."
Wade scoffed again. "Sure. Let's return the cow to the person who managed to lose her."
Matt turned his head from the window. "Why are you so concerned with this cow?" He said through his teeth. "This animal is not our responsibility."
"Then why are you here? I never asked for help." Wade sassed back.
"Because this city's people are our responsibility, and you're causing chaos trying to- I don't even know what you're trying to do. Peter, you agree, right?"
Both of the men looked at the spandex hero expectantly.
Peter sank back in his seat and rubbed his face. "This is ridiculous."
"That's not an answer, Sugar Bear."
"I think..." Peter fiddled with his hands. "That we should let professionals take care of this."
Matt let a winning smile slip out. Two against one.
"Betrayer." Wade whispered, but it was quite loud, so it probably didn’t count as a whisper. Maybe a hiss.
Peter groaned. "Wade, stop being so stubborn. I'm sure Dolly will be fine."
Wade didn't reply.
One week later
"Breaking news! A famous mercenary and vigilante named Deadpool has been seen in the streets riding a cow dressed in red and black. That's right! There are various photos of the man and his 'sidekick' all across New York. You can find them under the #Deadcow on various social media apps. Apparently, the vigilante stopped many muggers and robbers with the same cow, making all the criminals confused by the strange animal and an even stranger man. We have a witness who claims-"
Matt turned off the TV.
"I can't believe he stole Dolly. Should we do something about this?" Peter asked while chewing on his pizza.
"You mean make Wade give that stupid cow to animal control again? Last time we had to go through his three mental breakdowns, one unsuccessful attempt at a fight and two hours of him sobbing." Matt took a sip of his beer. "Never again." He whispered.
Peter shivered at the memory. "Yeah, you're right. If this turns south, maybe the Avengers can take care of it."
"Stark does own me."
Peter's eyes sparkled. "Oh my god, please tell Stark to deal with this. It would be the funniest event of the year."
Matt cracked a grin. "You mean Iron Man trying to catch a cow or Deadpool annoying him until he snaps?"
Peter's grin matched his. "Both. Definitely both."
Dollicia Elizabeth Cowleen the Third won't return.