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The downstairs bathroom off the garage was unofficially the mechanic’s bathroom in the Harper household. Logically, because it was just off the garage where all the gross and greasy pieces of machinery Roy and Jason worked on were. Also because when Lian was six and half-asleep after a marathon of iCarly, she swore she had seen a ghost in there. She had fallen asleep that night crying, and refused to use it ever since.
Jason couldn’t blame her. The room creeped him out as well. The fridge in the kitchen backed up against one of it’s walls, the freezer in the garage against another. He figured that the sum total of the vibrations from both machines created a brown noise type situation.
Either that, or there really was a malformed elf hiding just out of the corners of your eyes in there.
Roy was sitting outside of it now, head tilted back, eyes shut, face pinched.
Jason stepped over his legs, trying in vain to wipe the excess oil from his hands. “Whatcha doing?” he asked, “Besides blocking me from washing my hands?”
Roy thunked his head back against the door, eyes slitted up at Jason.
“Go away!” Lian shrieked from the bathroom.
Jason blinked. Roy closed his eyes again. “Sweetheart,” he said, voice bordering on worry. “If you would just tell me what’s wrong, I can leave you alone.”
There was a pained groan from the bathroom, the thwump of a towel hitting the door. “Go away,” She moaned.”I want my mom.”
Jason grimaced, and Roy slumped forward, his chin on his chest. “Baby, mom’s on mission right now. You know we can’t reach her.”
Lian screamed, inarticulately. God, she could really reach decibels that only dogs could hear, Jason thought, covering his ears.
Jason made his way to the kitchen sink to scrub his hands. A little bit of car oil on the unwashed utensils wouldn’t kill them. “What happened here?” he asked over the sound of running water.
Roy shrugged, picking his head back up to look at Jason across the kitchen. “Gross, dude, we eat with those.”
“That’s what a dishwasher is for,” he muttered under his breath. “Why is your daughter in the spooky bathroom?”
Roy groaned as he stood. Geez, how long was he sitting there? Jason had only started their two car’s oil changes a half hour ago.
“She made her ‘I’m gonna be sick’ face, ran in there, puked her guts up, started screaming, won’t tell me what’s wrong.” He pulled two paper towels off the roll and handed them to Jason. “She’s been in there for at least twenty minutes.”
Jason sucked his teeth. “Should we call an ambulance? Or break down the door?”
“I can hear you!” Lian shrieked again.
Roy spun back to the door. “What? Do you want us to just leave you in there?”
“Yes!”
“Lian, please. Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it!”
The door opened a sliver, one of Lian’s dark eyes peering out, the tiny portion of her face they could see twisted up in a snarl. “Bring me my phone and go. Away!” She slammed the door shut, rattling the cups on the sink drainer.
“Yikes,” Jason said as Roy stomped off to the living room. He followed Roy, who was now digging through the couch cushions, hissing out curses. “I'm just gonna go upstairs.”
“Fucking teenagers. They tell you the terrible twos are bad, but no one ever says shit about puberty.”
“Yeah, pretty sure everyone remembers how awful that all was.”
Roy grabs Lian’s phone, cocooned in a fleece blanket. “Weren’t you dead for most of your teen years?,” he mutters.
“Words hurt,” Jason sniffs from where he stands on the third stair. “But I’ll ignore it since you have to deal with the teenage tantrum.”
Roy stomps back off to the kitchen, middle finger in Jason’s direction.
Roy eventually makes his way up to their shared bedroom, looking every inch the tired young father he is. He belly flops down onto the bed. “Pretty sure she’s not dying,” he says, voice muffled from the duvet. “And I sent out a message to Jade.”
Jason dog ears the page he’s on. “Well, that’s pretty swell.” He nudges Roy with his knee. “She leave the bathroom?”
Roy flops over onto his back, spitting his hair out of his mouth. “No,” he sighs.
The thunder of a thirteen year old girl running up the stairs echoes around their room, and a door slams. Jason catches Roy’s arm as he shoots up in bed. “Maybe just let her do her own thing?” he asks.
Roy sighs again, rolling over unto Jason’s chest. “Do you think it’s safe to go downstairs?”
They hear a clunk of the pipes as the water in Lian’s bathroom starts to run.
“Goddamn, that girl is obsessed with bathrooms tonight.” Jason says, looking in wonder at the door.
“I think she’s holed up for the evening.” Roy lifts his head, pecking a kiss to the end of Jason’s nose “You wanna go make dinner while I investigate?”
Jason heads to the pantry and Roy to the mechanic’s bathroom once they got to the kitchen. “I’m thinking chicken nuggets and mac & cheese, yeah?”
“She’s not six anymore, Jay,” Roy says. He opens the door, standing stock still.
Jason rolls his eyes. Lian still liked the Dino nuggets. Hell, Jason liked the Dino nuggets. “Some things are just timeless, Roy.”
“Besides, I think she might be insulted. She’s a young woman now.” There’s a very slight tremor in Roy’s voice that gives Jason pause.
“Well, I’d say we could ask her, but I don’t think my ears can take that kind of damage.”
Roy steps out of the bathroom, eyes wide. “No, I mean she started her period. The bathroom is covered in blood.”
Jason slides the nuggets back into the freezer, snagging the bag of potatoes. “Loaded baked potato soup it is. Wash your hands and help me chop.” He shakes his head, sighs. “This is way ahead of schedule.”
Roy looks shell shocked as he makes his way to the fridge. “Way ahead of what schedule?”
Jason keeps peeling the potatoes, leveling Roy with an unimpressed glance. “Jade started her period at seventeen. Lian’s thirteen.” He twirls the knife in the air. “Ergo, way ahead of schedule.”
Roy stares, dumbfounded, big onion in his hand in danger of falling to the floor. “Jay, how in the fuck do you know when my ex started her period?”
Jason shrugged, moving on to chopping the potatoes. “Read her files. How else?”
Roy’s jaw drops. “Jason, no. Do not tell me Bruce knows when the Crimson Countess comes collecting for superhero ladies.”
Jason dumps his chopped potato into the pot, moves on to his next. “Ha, no. The League.” He spears a potato chunk on the end of his knife, examining it carefully. It looks a little gray. He tosses it into the trash pile on the counter. “Bet the thought never even crossed Bruce’s mind.”
“Jason,” Roy pleads. “Jason, come on. You gotta know that’s real inappropriate and, like, super invasive.”
“Cheese Louise, Roy, data is data.” He pauses in his careful cubing of potatoes, tilting his head to the ceiling. “Although this data was incomplete.” He turns to Roy, gesticulating with the knife. “Do you think it’s so wildly off because of the superior nutrition Lian’s getting, or the lighter training we’re putting her through?”
Roy deposits the onion next to the cutting board, lost look on his face. “I should be doing something. Buying pads or tampons or, I don’t know, cleaning the bathroom.”
Jason grimaced, bumping his shoulder into Roy’s. “Sorry, man. I thought I had more time to research menstrual products. I got nothing.”
Roy just looked at him, stupefied. This was embarrassing. He should have started his research earlier. “I’m sorry, Roy.”
The front door bursts open and they hear Steph shout “Hello, Harper household!” She blusters through the front door, Cass sliding silently in behind her, both with plastic bags looped over their arms.
“Did you call the Bat Girls?” Roy asked.
Jason huffs, pissed at himself for not thinking of the two girls in the city with a personal connection to Lian. “No.”
Steph maneuvers around them to the freezer, pulling Lian’s favorite raspberry popsicles out of the bag and into the freezer. “Lian did, cuz she’s a smartie. Never misses a trick, that girl.”
Cass comes to stand next to Jason, wide smile and expectant look on her face.
Jason tugs the pot of cubed potatoes closer to him. “They’re not even cooked, Cass.”
She pouts comically, shoulders slumping as Steph carries on with pulling boxes of tea from her bag. “We’re gonna head up, help the young lady through this trying time.” She smiles, bright. “See ya in a sec, Pop-a-Reno!”
There’s a loud crunch from somewhere near Jason’s elbow, and he twists to see Cass with a contemplative look on her face, hand full of cubed potatoes. “Hrn,” she grunts. “Neat texture.” She slides neatly away from Jason’s reaching hands, ending up next to Steph at the kitchen door.
“Eurgh. That’s so gross, Cass.” He pulls another potato out to chop.
Jason carries on with cooking dinner, while Roy dips into the bathroom to clean it up. The blaring music had cut out as soon as Cass had delightedly called out “Lian!” He couldn’t hear anything else, no matter how hard Jason strained his ears. He looked at Roy, dumping rags into the washing machine. Maybe they should revisit the recording devices conversation.
Roy spots his considering look and stomps over to the stove top, grabbing him by the arm, face serious. “You’ve got your Bruce face on. We are not putting cameras and microphones in the common areas of the house.” He shakes his arm. “Do not make me tell you this again.”
Jason shrugs Roy’s hand off. “I don’t know why you are always stifling me,” he mutters, grabbing five bowls from the cabinet.
Steph clatters down the stairs as Cass slides down the banister. “Okey doke, Pops. Let’s chat”. She pulls Roy to the table, laying her hands flat on the surface.
Cass loads up a bowl with soup, then dumps a huge squirt of ketchup on top of it.
“That’s so nasty, Cass.” Jason says. She shrugs, unrepentant and already digging in as she makes her way to join Steph and Roy at the table.
Jason shoves a sleeve of crackers in the pocket of his sweats and carries three bowls to the group convening at the table.
“Lian will be down in a sec,” Steph says, uncharacteristically serious in her civvies.
Cass grunts in agreement. “Getting used to her new bullshit reality.”
Steph nods. “Agreed. Female reproductive systems are bullshit.” She slurps a spoonful of soup. “Hmm, not bad Jay. Could use some cheese.”
Jason bristles. “I’m sorry, does this look like a restaurant to you?”
Roy raises his brow at him. “Can we please stay on topic?” He leans closer to Steph, ignoring his dinner in favor of hunching over a notebook, pen at the ready. “What do I need to do?”
Steph taps her spoon against her bowl, grimacing. “You really shouldn’t do anything except ignore it.”
Roy tosses the pen down, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at her.
Steph holds up her hands. “Hear me out, Papa Bear.” She lowers her voice. “Lian is exceptionally embarrassed right now, and it’s normal for her to feel that way, about this subject, with her dad.”
“Very embarrassed,” Cass adds, mouthful of crackers crunching between her teeth. “We’ll handle it.”
Jason watches in disgust as Cass demolishes her red streaked food. “This is why I don’t invite you over for dinner.”
Cass drops her mouth open more, masticated mass on her tongue pointed directly at Jason.
Steph swats at her shoulder and Cass swallows. “Anyway. We left her with an assortment of pads and tampons, and the instructions to let us know which kind she likes best. We’ll keep her stocked up. We left her some Midol and her very own heating pad, and a very firm request to not keep track of her cycle on apps. Don’t need the government all up in your organ’s personal business.”
Roy rubs his eyes. “So, just ignore it.” He looks even more lost than he did earlier.
Steph eats another spoonful. “Yup, just ignore it. And never, under no circumstances ever, mention blood on sheets or clothes. Oh, and the Midol might make her a bit loopy.”
Cass nods in agreement as she pours herself seconds, this time squeezing some of Jason’s expensive artisan mustard in her bowl. He would say something disparaging, but that combo actually looks pretty good. He narrows his eyes at Cass as she smugly shoves her spoon in her mouth.
Roy leans back in his seat. “Anything else I need to know?”
Steph turns her nose up at the bite Cass offers her from her bowl. “Yeah, dude, sorry. Forgot about the unpredictable cycles part of starting out. Don’t be concerned if this cycle lasts three days or two weeks. They’ll eventually even out.” She taps her finger down on Roy’s notebook. “Again, I told her to let Cass and me know. We’ll handle it.”
“Take her to the OB/GYN,” Cass pipes up, scraping the bottom of her bowl.
“Oh, yeah, do that.” Steph digs her phone out of her purse, taps on it. “I’m sending you our doctor’s contact info. Don’t know if she’s taking new patients, but she could maybe point you towards another good one.”
Cass pokes her in the side on her way to the fridge. “Yeah, yeah, I didn’t forget.” Steph says, straightening up, serious look back on her face. “This is gonna be super uncomfortable to discuss, so please do not shoot me.”
Roy buries his face in his hands, voice muffled as he says, “What now?”
Cass plops back down at the table, digging around in the Ziploc freezer bag stuffed full of the good chocolate Jason has to hide from Roy. He glares at her. “Get her on birth control.”
Roy’s face is flaming red as her stares at Cass. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. You want me to put my thirteen year old child on birth control?”
Jason taps his chin. “Oh, yeah. That’s not such a bad idea.” He considers Steph. “Just never take the placebo pills? Wait, is that why I could never get a handle on when you’re on your periods?”
“What the fuck, Jay?” Roy sputters, steadily growing redder.
“Yeah, what the fuck Jay?” Cass glares at him. “Inappropriate.”
Steph raises her hands. “Hear us out before you flip out, Big Red. And I’m gonna ignore that for now, Jason.” She reaches across the table for one of Roy’s hands. “There is absolutely no medical reason for Lian to actually have a period. Her uterus isn’t gonna fill up with blood and, like, explode.”
“Almost all of the capes with lady parts are on hormonal birth control,” Cass adds, already halfway through the bag of candy, still glaring at Jason.
Steph’s eyes light up. “Yeah! I mean, why suffer if you don’t have to, you know?” She pats Roy’s hand, going back to her bowl of soup. “Besides, can you imagine trying to stop world wide destruction with cramps?”
Cass shudders. “A nightmare.”
“Anyway, talk to your doctor about, then bring it up to Lian. We didn’t mention it cuz we didn’t want to get her hopes up.” She grins at the both of them. “So, how do you think we’re doing on the ‘Best Aunts Ever’ scoreboard? This has to have gotten us over on Mia and Emiko.”
Lian shuffles into the kitchen, heading for Roy. “Aunt Mia’s still my favorite, but thank you,” she says to Steph, crawling into Roy’s waiting arms. Jason gets up, ladles her a bowl of soup.
“Boo!” Steph cries out. “One day I’ll be the superior blonde aunt!”
Cass pats her shoulder consolingly. “But I’m the best Asian aunt, right Lian?”
Lian buries her face against her dad’s chest. “Aunt Emi,” she huffs as Roy rubs her back.
Cass’s face falls.
“They’ve had years to get those titles, Cass,” Steph whispers. “Give us some time, we’ll topple them. We have the advantage of proximty.”
Roy chuckles. “How are you feeling, pumpkin pie?”
Lian sighs. “Better.” She hops down from Roy’s lap, grabs the bowl from Jason and takes her own seat. She looks up at her dad, contrite. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”
“No, it’s OK. I bet you were pretty scared and confused. I called your mom, so hopefully she’ll get back to you soon.”
Lian smiles. “Thanks, Dad.”
Steph slaps her hands down on the table. “Whelp. Looks like our work here is done, Cass. No need for thanks.” She stands, pulling Cass up with her. “Let’s get out of the happy family’s hair. Lian, seriously, any questions you have, give one of us a call.”
Lian’s face reddens and she ducks her head towards her bowl. “Thanks, guys.”
It’s quiet at the table, after the girls leave. Jason watches through the window as they drive off on Steph’s motorcycle. He slaps his hands down on the table. “So. Popsicles and ‘13 Going on 30’?”
Lian glares at him through her bangs. “Ha ha, so funny, Jay.”
Jason’s face splits into a shit eating grin. “I thought it was funny.”
Lian picks up her bowl and carries it to the sink. “I’m really tired. Wake me up if Mom calls.”
“OK, pudding.” Roy wraps her in another hug, dropping a kiss to her head. “Love you.”
“Love you, too Dad.” She heads back to the sink to get her goodnight hug from Jason. “You’re on thin ice, Jay.”
Jason flaps a hand above her head, other one curled across her back. The top of her head barely clears his chest. “Yeah, yeah, beat feet, kid.”
Roy looks lost again as he watches her climb the stairs. “She used to be so small I could fit her in the palms of my hands.” His face contorts in that way it does when he’s trying not to cry.
Jason pauses in loading the dishwasher. He’d been dead when Lian was a toddler, and a rampaging asshole until she was in the 3rd grade, but he’s seen the pictures and videos. She was a cute kid. If he tries, he can kinda see what Roy means. In five short years, she’s gonna graduate high school, be old enough to patrol. His stomach twists with nerves, and he takes his seat again at the table.
The first of the tears spill over Roy’s high cheekbones. “Are you OK?”
Roy scoffs, throat so clogged with tears that it sounds impressively gross.
He flops back in his seat, running his hands through his getting too long hair. “When she was little, she used to say ‘arm pips’ instead of ‘arm pits’”. Roy coughs out a laugh, smile on his face a little watery, a little amazed. “She didn’t know the word ‘nostril’, so one day she hit me with ‘My booger out hurts’.”
Jason snorts. Watching Roy and Lian exist together was what cemented his love for Roy. They orbited one another easily, Roy always with a careful hand extended towards her, Lian with boundless enthusiam and a proclivity for running full tilt into his arms. It had made him incredibly jealous, at first, that an easy parent-child love could exist and that he couldn’t be a part of it, couldn’t have it for himself. Now, he just watched them in wonder as their bond changed with every passing year, secure in his bonus dad status.
“Well, if growing up means she gives up her fascination with L.O.L. dolls, I’m all for it.”
Roy laughs, full bellied. “God, I could strangle her kindergarten best friend for introducing her to those abominations.” He wipes his eyes, soft smile widening.
“Wait five years, and I’ll do it for you.” He tugs Roy up, pulling him towards the stairs and their bedroom. “Come on. That Midol’s gonna knock her the fuck out. We can get up to some hanky panky,” he says, eye brows bouncing up and down.
“Ew, don’t call it that.”
Jason leans closer, making his way backwards down the hallway. “Oh, I’m sorry. Love making.” He puckers his lips, smacking obnoxiously.
There’s a dull thud as Lian throws something at her bedroom door. “I’m still awake!” she shouts.
Jason blushes and Roy laughs in his face. He gives him a sweet kiss on the lips. “I should probably tell you now that I saw Cass steal your fancy mustard.”
Jason drops Roy’s hands, stomping off to suit up and rescue his expensive condiment. “God, and they wonder why we never host,” he mutters as he jumps the last couple of stairs.
“See ya in a few, Jaybird! Good hunting!” Roy calls out.