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First, they saved the world from an invading army of aliens coming through a magic space portal. Next, they captured the bad guy, who claimed to be an ancient Norse God. Then, things started to get weird.
Doctor Selvig was trying to sort out some kind of holding cell for this Loki asshole, and Fury had gone to check on progress. That left Tony with the rest of the team - the Avengers, honest-to-god superheroes - watching over Loki to make sure he didn't pull any nasty tricks in the meantime.
Loki's hands were chained with some metal cuffs that were supposed to bind his magic. Tony wasn't sure how he felt about that, but he wasn't sure how he felt about magic in general, so that was par for the course. Loki himself was sitting in a chair, meek as you please, looking for all the world as if he was meditating.
Then, out of the blue, Thor hissed, "Loki!"
Tony looked between them, confused. All Loki was doing was breathing slow and controlled, and unless that was a sign of vile magic stirring-- oh, god, was that a sign of vile magic stirring? Maybe he should put his helmet back on, not that it would do much good without a faceplate.
Loki cracked an eye open and openly smirked at Thor. Tony had never had a little brother, but he was pretty sure he'd worn that selfsame smirk on more than a few occasions, usually right before doing something to horrify Rhodey.
"What?" Loki asked, then deliberately pursed his lips and blew out a breath. It steamed a little, which was odd because the room was plenty warm. "I'm bored."
"So compose a saga," Thor hissed, sounding downright scandalized, and okay, Tony was interested now, something was clearly going on.
"What is it?" Romanov asked, calm like she was gathering data on any ordinary mission. Maybe she was. "What is he doing, Thor?"
Loki snickered. Thor made a pained sound and covered his face with a palm.
It wasn't steam, Tony realized. With every exhale, Loki was producing a slowly-thickening puff of light brown dust. Some kind of spores, maybe? And Thor was-- not worried, embarrassed…
Tony whirled, as much as he could whirl in the Iron Man suit, and pointed a gloved finger at Thor. "Is this an alien sex thing? This is an alien sex thing, isn't it? Is your brother jerking off right now?"
"Oh, gross," Barton said, with feeling.
And Captain America said, "That's just… not right."
And Bruce said, "Huh," because Bruce was awesome, and totally on Tony's wavelength.
Thor shifted uncomfortably, probably wishing the ground would swallow him up. "I apologize for Loki. He's… adopted?"
"Adoption trauma really only goes so far as an excuse," Tony pointed out, while Loki made an irritated noise.
"Thor. Must you ruin the mood?"
"Apparently I must!" Thor said indignantly, and apparently Norse gods blushed, who knew? "Control yourself, Loki."
Loki blew another cloud of brown dust, and Thor flailed a little, backing up several steps and violently brushing imaginary spores from himself. It was hilarious, was what it was.
"Don't mind Thor," Loki drawled. "He was always a little prudish."
"There is nothing prudish about having the decency to not… pleasure oneself in public!" Thor turned half away, shielding his face.
"Can I just shoot him?" Barton asked. "I'm perfectly willing to put an arrow through him, someone just say the word."
"Ooh," Loki said lasciviously. "Is that how you mortals do it? How delightfully savage."
Barton outright growled, and Tony bit the inside of his cheek from laughing, because his armor had taken enough hits today without getting an arrow hole as well.
He was sorely tempted to pull out a chair and settle in for the show, but it probably wouldn't take the weight of the armor and there was no way he was ditching the suit while there was a chance that Loki was pulling this stunt to distract them. He cocked his head instead, watching with interest.
Loki was collecting the dust that had landed on his creepy fetish armor and rubbing it on his pulse points. Or, what would be pulse points on a human, pale skin on his throat and the insides of his wrists.
Tony rolled his bottom lip between his teeth. "So what is that stuff? Spores? Does it contain genetic material, or is it just, like… laying the groundwork?"
Loki turned the weight of his attention on him, eyes bright and intent, still faintly smirking.
"Do you secrete it in your mouth? Or in your respiratory system?" Tony couldn't help himself, he was fascinated. "Or is it a whole separate… gland… thing?"
Thor made a deeply distressed noise behind him.
Bruce sidled up to him, while watching Loki warily. "Uh, Tony, you do realize you're basically talking dirty to him right now, right?"
"Oh, am I?" Tony absolutely did not share a smirk with Loki, because this was the asshole who had stolen his tower and tossed him out a window - yes, and invaded his planet, that too - but he might have grinned at the wall in Loki's general direction. "Whoops."
"Whoa there, Captain Kirk," Barton said, frowning at him. "You're not going to go where god-knows-what has been before."
Rogers looked puzzled. "Who's Captain Kirk?"
"Oh, oh, man." This just got better and better. Tony pointed at Rogers with a grin. "We are going to introduce you to that pop culture reference and it's going to be glorious, just you wait."
Loki made a little sound that was practically a purr, getting everyone's attention again. Tony didn't see how smearing some dust around could be so fun, but apparently it was doing something for Loki. And how.
"This is so fucked up," Barton said eloquently.
Tony snorted. "Are you kidding? Today I rode a nuke into space and now I'm witnessing bizarre alien sex acts. This is basically the best day of my life."
Barton shot him an incredulous look. "You're a goddamn weirdo, Stark."
"Good to meet you," Tony said agreeably. He heard that kind of thing a lot.
"I did tell you," Romanov murmured to Barton.
"Yeah, but I didn't believe you."
"Hey," Tony said, feigning indignation, but then Loki was licking spores off his own thumb in long, slow sweeps of tongue, and that was way more interesting. Come on, they might never have another chance to see something like this, and-- oh, oh, yes, brilliant. He nudged Bruce and whispered. "Lab. Sample kits."
"Seriously?" Bruce said.
"Once in a lifetime," Tony enunciated clearly.
"That's really disturb-- no, actually, I see your point." Bruce eyed Loki with a calculating expression, then nodded. "I'll be right back."
"Goddamn. Weirdo," Barton repeated emphatically, then narrowed his eyes at Loki. "Is that sweat? God, I hope that's sweat."
Tony peered a little closer. Loki did seem to be starting to… glisten.
"Father could have sent anybody," Thor said mournfully, from his little corner of mortification. "He could have sent Tyr. He could have sent Volstagg! He could have sent Mother. But no, 'go fetch your brother, Thor'. 'Bring him home, Thor'."
"Do be quiet," Loki said irritably. "You're not exactly helping."
"Good!" Thor exclaimed.
Loki gave a little huff and rubbed some more dust onto the inside of his wrist. It seemed to mix with the sweat collecting there to produce a sticky-looking gold-flecked liquid. Tony figured he'd probably get in trouble if he asked what it tasted like. As if reading his thoughts, Loki brought his wrist to his mouth and tongued at it gently, moaning.
Rogers scowled, hefting his shield. "Keep it to yourself, pal."
Loki barely glanced at him, more focussed on tugging the anti-magic cuffs out of the way as best he could. He started pushing his wrist against his neck, just behind his ear, rubbing the sticky places together in short, quick jerks.
Romanov made an interested noise and backed towards Thor while keeping her eyes on Loki and her guns at the ready. "Thor, do all Asgardian males wear their hair long? Is it modesty-related?"
"Not all, but most of us do," Thor agreed.
Loki gave a sharp smile, eyes sliding from Barton to Rogers to Tony. "Men who wear their hair short do so as a sign of… availability." His voice dripped insinuations.
"As opposed to those who pretend a modest length only to wear it slicked back like shameless harlots," Thor added pointedly. Even Barton snickered a little at that.
Throat, wrists. Loki had those ornate armguards as part of his armor, and Thor had a pair around his wrists. Tony eyed Barton's bare arms and wondered what wearing just one bracer meant to an Asgardian. Only half up for it? Heh.
Loki had pushed back so his chair was balanced only on its rear two legs, shifting back and forth. He was panting in time with the quick moves of his wrist. Apparently the importance of good wrist action was universal; Tony smirked at the thought.
"Is the rocking part of it? Inner ear involvement?"
Rogers gave him a dirty look. "Jesus, Stark, stop encouraging him."
"I object," Tony said indignantly. "Blatant favoritism. Why is it okay for her to ask questions?"
"Because I'm not trying to give the alien invader orgasms," Romanov said bluntly.
Tony folded his arms with a dull metallic clang. "I can't help it if I'm the only one here with a sense of fun."
"How long was he out for when Hulk caught him?" Barton asked. "Maybe he suffered brain damage. Oxygen deprivation."
"Even brain damaged I would still be smarter than everyone in this room put togeth--" Tony turned around as he heard the door open; Bruce was back with sample containers. "Never mind, retracted." He made 'gimme, gimme' gestures with both hands and Bruce brought the kits over.
"Are you even a biologist?" Barton asked.
Doubter. Peon of little faith. Just for that, Tony refused to give a real answer; instead he shrugged exaggeratedly. "Oh, I don't know, Pepper keeps track of all those PhDs and things for me." He picked up a sample kit and approached Loki carefully, out of everyone's line of fire. "Don't mind me… just going to take a tiny little sample of your funny sex dust…"
As soon as he was touched, Loki made a strangled noise and overbalanced, tumbling backwards. He gave a long, low groan and just lay there on the floor, looking drowsy and sated.
"Uh," Rogers said. "Did he just…?"
"Medical kink?" Tony suggested brightly.
Barton, Romanov and Rogers all glared at him. Killjoys.
Whatever, Tony was still getting those samples. He moved around the fallen chair and crouched beside Loki, humming to himself as he collected some of the dust. Bruce came and crouched beside him; handed him a fresh kit for each collection. Tony sampled the sweat next - that was assuming it was sweat and not, like, full-body pre-ejaculate or whatever. Next he went for the sticky, gold-flecked fluid; when he rolled the swab over the side of Loki's throat, Loki gave a full-body shudder and fucking whimpered.
Tony smirked. "A little sensitive there, are we?"
He rolled the swab again, because a reaction like that begged to be fucked with. Loki squirmed, batting at his arm weakly, and made a breathy, desperate noise that made Tony want to go have a lot of just-saved-the-world sex with Pepper. A lot of it.
Bruce cleared his throat. Oh, fine then. Tony sealed up the last kit and got back to his feet.
Loki hummed in contentment, then gave a giddy, half-breathless laugh. "Was it good for you?"
"I'll be honest, I've had better," Tony said flippantly, stacking the sample kits on the table. "Points for originality, though." He almost extended a hand to help Loki get up, and then thought better of it. Now wasn't the best time for touching.
Loki got himself up without too much trouble, and flopped back into the chair, handcuff chain clanking.
Thor said resentfully, "Are you done?"
"Yes, Thor." Loki rolled his eyes. "Quit whining, you deserved it."
"Deserved it?" Thor cried out in outrage. "Loki, this ridiculous grudge of yours--"
"When I was seven hundred!" Loki snarled back, leaping to his feet and pointing angrily at Thor. "Do you forget? I finally persuaded Vidar's pretty daughter to my chambers, and there you and Sif were--"
"Oh," Thor said, deflating somewhat. "That."
"In my bed, Thor!"
"Is having a brother always like this?" Tony asked the room in general.
Barton shook his head. "I promise, my brother never--" He paused. "Well, maybe once."
There was a story there that Tony wasn't sure he wanted to hear.
With impeccable timing, that was when Fury returned. Loki subsided back into his chair, still grumbling. Fury looked around the room and then scowled, gesturing at Thor still sitting on the floor against a wall.
"Anyone want to tell me why I've got a Norse god in the fetal position in my HQ?"
There was a pause. Tony scratched the back of his head, avoiding everyone's eyes. Romanov stepped up like a champ, filling Fury in with a calm explanation like it was every day they had mass murderers breathing alien sex dust in front of them.
"Aw, hell no," Fury said when she was done. "Someone put a muzzle on that motherfucker. That's just nasty."
"You will not muzzle me like a dog," Loki snapped, folding his arms.
Thor got to his feet, grinning in that scary way that Pepper did sometimes when she was about to blackmail Tony into attending a board meeting. "A most excellent idea, Director Fury! We will carry it out immediately."
"Thor!" Loki yelped.
"What was that, brother? 'Quit whining'?"
Tony almost cackled. This was officially his favorite alien invasion ever.
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