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Evan stumbled into the dorm with a clatter and a bang.
“Reg!” He yelled excitedly. He almost didn’t care who heard him. The euphoria he was riding on kept him flying in the clouds.
Regulus was sitting on his bed under the duvet, homework strewn all over it. He was weirdly unorganised.
“What?!” Regulus snapped.
Evan blinked at him. “Why’s there homework everywhere?”
“None of your business,” Regulus said shortly.
“It’s my business because it’s my dorm too, you fucker,” Evan shot back. “The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Regulus scowled at him. “ The world doesn’t revolve around you, meh meh meh .” He muttered petulantly under his breath in a piss-poor impression of Evan’s voice.
“Oi! I heard that!”
“I’m glad your ears work.”
“Your eyes clearly don’t. What the fuck is with the essays?”
“I told you!”
“Told me what?”
“It’s none of your business!”
“Bull-Shit!” Evan snarled back. He calmed himself down. “Seriously, Blackjack, is there something going on?”
“No! There isn’t! Now will you please just piss off!” Regulus shouted. But his cheeks pinked. His cheeks pinked .
Evan’s gaze dropped to the lump in his best friend’s bed.
“What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“That. That bump.”
“Clothes, moron.”
“Uh huh. Clothes. Right. Are they your clothes?”
Regulus scoffed. “Who else's would they be?!”
Evan shrugged, fighting a grin. “That is the mystery, isn’t it Reggie-Peggie.” He wandered forward, fully intending to sit on the lump.
“Evan!” Regulus warned suddenly.
“What? It’s just clothes!” Evan argued. “Unless… it isn’t?”
Regulus glared at him. “ Evan !”
Evan’s lips tilted up. He couldn’t help it. “C’mon, Reg. It’s just clothes. What harm will come from sitting on it?”
“You know what you’re doing!” Regulus shouted, talking almost to himself. “You absolute piece of shit wanker! I should-”
“Do absolutely nothing,” Evan grinned impishly. “Unless you want Barty, or your brother, to find out, of course.”
“You wouldn’t,” Regulus stared at him.
“Try me,” Evan hissed back.
Regulus studied him for a moment more before sighing dramatically. “It’s alright. You can come out.”
Evan snickered. He stood back.
Fluffy dark brown hair popped out and James Potter was peeking out of the covers awkwardly.
“James Potter!” Evan exclaimed.
Regulus’s eyes widened. “You didn’t know?!”
“Merlin, Reg, out of every bloody Hogwarts student-”
“I thought you knew! I thought that’s what you were hinting at-!”
“How could I have guessed James bloody Potter?!”
“His jumper’s over there, for a start!” Regulus snipped, pointing out the bright red and gold jumper hanging over the edge of Regulus’s bed.
Evan blinked. How had he missed that?
He frowned. “You can’t distract me, Regulus Arcturus!”
“Fucking hell!” Regulus groaned.
James raised his hand. “Can I-?”
“No!” Both Evan and Regulus snapped.
James put his hand down.
Evan rubbed his eyes. “It’s fine. It’s all fine. We’re fine.” They would be fine. All they needed to do was get James hidden. Properly. Evan and Reg had their trunks under their beds, but James could hide under Barty’s- Shit , Barty.
“Evan! You okay-?” Barty froze, seeing James Potter in Regulus Black’s bed like the absolute plonker he is.
“Hello, Barty,” Evan sighed.
James waved.
Regulus put James’s hand down.
“What? Regulus-Potter…” Barty blinked. “What?”
“What? What is it?” And after Barty, Pandora came stumbling into the dorm.
She looked at Barty lost for words, Evan kind of just standing there awkwardly, and James and Regulus in Regulus’s bed, and burst into hysterical laughter.
That seemed to shock Barty out of it. “REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK-”
“YOU CAN’T MOTHER ME BARTY-”
“Pands! Are you okay-”
“I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS-”
“YOU’RE ALWAYS SO OVERBEARING-”
“Pandora! Breathe!”
“OH OVERBEARING, AM I?! WELL-”
“Oh my god, sit down!”
“Dammit Barty!”
“YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING-”
“Hey!” Dorcas snapped from the door, hands on her hips.
James waved.
“Alright. We calm now? Oh, shut up, Pandora! Yes, yes, very funny, now shhh ,” Dorcas snapped. She turned to look at Regulus.
“Reg, what Barty was trying to say ,” She hissed. “ Very fucking poorly .”
“Hey!” Barty objected.
“What Barty was trying to say,” Dorcas repeated harshly. “Is none of us are mad at you in any capacity. Right, guys ?”
“Not mad, not mad,” Pandora wheezed.
“I, uh, I’m fine,” Evan snickered. He was half-way to joining Pandora.
Barty grumbled something.
“I’m alright,” James said helpfully. Regulus put his face in his hands.
“We’re just… shocked,” Dorcas continued. “We just… we thought we raised you better than this.”
“ Oh, fuck off ,” Regulus hissed through his hands. James patted his leg consolingly.
“We’re not mad, Reg,” Dorcas repeated. “We’re just disappointed.”
“In what?!” Regulus snapped.
“James Potter, for one,” Barty mumbled.
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” Evan advised sagely.
Barty frowned at him. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“We all know why you hate Potter, Barty. It’s okay. He just has more bitches. And we love you just as you are.”
“That is not-” Barty turned to look at James, almost pleadingly. “That is not why I hate you.”
James nodded in agreement. “Of course, of course,” He paused. “I could try to have less bitches, if that helps?”
“I don’t hate you for your bitches!” Barty snapped.
James raised his hands up. “I know! But, you know, if you want me to, I can try!”
“ Jesus. Fucking. Christ ,” Regulus ground out.
“You better be dropping those bitches for Regulus,” Pandora got out, clutching her stomach. She had managed to stop laughing crazily, and was just giggling like she was drunk.
“I-I don’t actually have bitches,” James said. “I thought it was a metaphor-”
“No, it’s literal,” Evan informed him, fighting for his straight face.
“Your shear godly amount really makes Barty feel insecure,” Pandora said solemnly.
James’s eyes widened. He turned to Barty swiftly. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know-”
“James!” Regulus barked. “They’re taking the piss, James.”
James blinked. “Oh. So you don’t actually-”
“No I don’t actually feel insecure about your number of bitches!” Barty snapped.
“Oh.”
Pandora and Evan burst into giggles. Barty was so red .
“We’re off topic!” Dorcas announced.
“ Thank fuck ,” Regulus muttered.
“Regulus, has everything been okay? This is quite a drastic development.”
“ Oh, fuck no .”
“We’re just worried about you,” Dorcas argued. “We care for you- will you two stop laughing ?!”
“I’m-I’m sorry-” Evan rasped. “I just can’t-” He fell helpless again, leaning against Pandora for support.
Pandora held him up, shaking in time. “Maybe it’s the image of Reg in a healthy relationship-”
“Hey!” Regulus called.
“Or it being the first healthy friendship his brother ever had to-” Evan continued.
James looked at Regulus, brows furrowed. “That’s a good point.”
“James!”
“Or just Barty’s face-”
“Pandora!” Barty whined.
“But it’s fucking great,” Evan finished.
“I hate it when you two do that,” Regulus mumbled bitterly.
A loud bang sounded from the hall outside of the dorm. They all looked up at it.
“We need to get you out of here,” Dorcas decided.
“Stellar plan,” Barty snarked.
“Yeah, Dorcs, they sound close,” Evan told her worriedly.
“Oh, it’s fine, I have an invisibility cloak,” James told them.
They all turned to face him.
“I take back everything I’ve ever said about you,” Pandora whispered.
“What’ve you said about me?” James asked.
“Nothing that’s relevant,” Pandora said sweetly.
James frowned. “I-”
“Okay, let’s go, let’s get going,” Regulus rushed, shoving James out of his bed.
He fell to the floor, his open shirt showing off his abs. Evan whistled.
“No bitches?” He whispered to Barty.
“What does that make you?” Barty snipped.
Evan jabbed him in the gut. “That’s derogatory,” He sniffed.
“ You’re derogatory,” Barty fumed.
James had shoved his jumper on and was wrapping this thin sparkly cloak over his head, his perfect body disappearing as it was covered. Regulus lead him over to the door.
James paused before pulling the cloak over his head, leaving it suspended over nothing. He smacked a kiss on Regulus’s mouth before turning to face them.
“Before I met you, I thought you guys were, like, soulless,” James was smiling before he seemed to realise what he said. “Wait-”
“Nope, nope, no take-backsies!” Pandora laughed.
“We are without souls. Have at thee!” Evan proclaimed, raising an imaginary sword at Barty, who giggled and wrapped a tall arm around his shorter boyfriend.
“Offensive, James,” Dorcas declared. “Imagine how people without souls feel.”
“I-” James began, eyes wide in panic.
“Just taking the piss,” Regulus explained tiredly, glaring at all of them despite the twitching of his lips.
“Oh,” James said. “Right, um. I’ll, uh, see you?” It came out as more of a question as the hood slipped over his face and the door swung open and shut silently.
They all slowly turned to look at each other. Regulus raised a finger. “Not one word.”
“How’s his dick?” Dorcas wondered.
Regulus groaned as the rest of them, even Barty, egged him on.
“What were you going to say, Evan?” Regulus asked later. At his confused look, he explained. “When you found us, you were calling my name.”
“Oh yeah!” Evan gasped as he remembered. “I was going to tell you something about your brother. It’s not that important now,” Evan decided, comparing that to what he had found out about Regulus and James.
“No! No, no, no, what is it?” Regulus persisted, nudging him.
Evan huffed. “I was just going to say that I saw your brother and Remus Lupin snogging in the hallway after Arithmancy.”
There was a pause.
“ What ?!” Regulus thundered.
Evan blinked at him. “What?”
“He’s-But I’m supposed to be the gay disappointment!” Regulus whined. He stomped out.
Evan blinked at him. He shrugged.
Hogwarts. What can you do?