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Conner almost doesn't sign up, he's not really been in the festive spirit but he catches sight of Sarah's brown curls as she writes her name down at Will and April's urging.
He ignores April's knowing look as he writes his name down on a slip of paper later.
He forgets all about Secret Santa as the next few days are spent dealing with emergency surgeries- three car accidents, a child falling through the ice, gun shot wounds, he spent most of his time in the ER, lending an extra hand, as did Sarah.
Sarah who someone found the perfect way to avoid him while still being professional. She would smile and nod as they talked about the patient (although she seemed hesitant to tell him what she thought ) but as soon as the patient was signed out or transferred up, she'd would be spinning around, as fast as she could, off to help someone else, away from him.
Sarah made sure there were at least three people between them when they were all talking and if she saw him heading her way during lunch, she would give him a tight smile before heading off, claiming some kind of emergency or important task she needed to do, leaving Conner feeling empty, lost.
Their fight had been his fault, he had wrongly assumed things were okay between them, unaware that he had hurt Sarah, unaware that Conner in his attempt to help Robin, in his anger with Dr.Charles, had hurt her, that when he called the board to discuss Robin's case, Sarah had taken it as a lack of trust in her, in her ability to take care of her patients.
And if didn't matter to Sarah that she was right, that Robin was not ready, that he was not ready to help her, didn't know how to, all Sarah could see all she could hear, all she could feel was that he didn't trust her, he didn't believe her.
Which couldn't have been further from the truth but by the time he had realized that she was avoiding him and not just busy, and when he realized why she avoiding him, too much time had passed and in that time so much hurt had grown.
And he wants to fix it, fix them.
He misses Sarah, misses her little quips, her soft smiles, the glow in her eyes as she talks, misses the way she fits against his body when they head out to the crowded bar and her jacket is not warm enough, or from the crush of people, forcing her closer to him, misses the way she always has something encouraging to say, misses everything there is to miss about her.
It taken him two days to realize he missed her, three weeks to realize that she was avoiding him, four months to realize that he was kinda, sort of in love with her.
He walks into Goodwin's office, money in his pocket, prepared to bribe her to assure he gets Sarah's name.
He doesn't like to used his father's money but he will if it means getting back in her good graces.
Goodwin smirks when she sees him, sliding an envelope towards him, a quick peek and he catches sight of the familiar slant. He still leaves the bribe on her desk and when he overhears everyone talking about a donation to the children's ward, well a quick call to his sister triples the amount.
He spends the weekend staring at Sarah's curls in between saving lives and planning out his gifts. He spends his day off getting her gifts- smiling because he knows Sarah will love them.
Sarah is in the middle of a graveyard shift when she gets her first gift.
She's tired and has already had to talk to three different families about their loved one's death, it's draining, and as the youngest and newest on the floor, it's her job.
So when she gets called to the desk to find a fresh mug of lavender-lemon tea in a shiny new blue thermos with an order of food from her favorite guilty pleasure restaurant, and a some warm brownies she nearly cries.
The rest of her double shift goes by with two car crashes due to ice- both resulting in pile ups, a few nearly frozen homeless people (two who die) and when she stumbles to her locker to change, she bumps into Conner.
Conner who she's mad at, Conner who hurt her feelings, Conner who didn't believe in her, Conner who's tall and safe and warm, who is holding her gently, after what has been a very long and draining day that when he pulls her into his chest, one hand in her hair, guiding her face into the crook of his neck, his other hand on her back, she doesn't fight it.
She's too tired to pull away, too tired to remember how much he hurt her.
She doesn't fight him when he orders her an uber, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she slides into the warm car.
When she wakes up to find a message on her phone, she curses for her moment of weakness and after a quick thank you, she turns off her phone, in case she's tempted to call Conner, and she is so tempted to tell him about how she misses him, about how draining and tired she is, about how lonely she feels- her roommate is practically moved in with her girlfriend, her childhood best friend is engaged and living in Boston, her mother forgot her birthday, about how much she misses him, misses working with everyone else and while she loves working with Dr.Charles, she misses April's kindness, misses Ethan and Will and Melissa, misses someone praising her, believing in her the way he did, helping her the way April did. She wants to tell him about how she wants to be held, not just in bed, but wants to be fucked, fucked so good that she stops thinking, that the voice in her head that sounds like her mother, calling her a disappointment is silent.
Instead she drags herself into a warm bath before getting ready for her next shift at the hospital.
There in her locker, wrapped in the prettiest blue paper she has seen is the softest, prettiest yellow cardigan, a pair of soft black gloves, and a soft red scarf- all things she has been meaning to buy but hadn't had the chance to.
Her fingers can't help but run over the soft fabric, she's fixated on how soft and pretty they are, especially the sweater, in her favorite color.
A loud whistle has her looking up to see Will looking at her gift, Melissa behind him.
"Wow? Is that from your secret santa?"
"It was in my locker when I opened it."
"Lucky girl, whoever it is, they're trying to take good care of you."
Sarah flushes, the idea of someone taking care of her is foreign to her, she's an only child with a workalcoholic mother, she takes care of herself.
The next day she gets a basket full of self care items- her favorite lotions and perfumes, some bath bombs, mini bottles of pink fruity wine, some fluffy socks, face masks.
As Melissa peers at the wine bottles, gasping at how cute they small bottles are, Sarah catches Conner's eyes and she flushes thinking about how he held her just a few days ago, his large hand on her back, the smell of his neck, the warmth of his body, his skin salty under her lips.
It's easy for a girl to get lost in Conner Rhodes.
She certainly did.
Got lost in his pretty blue eyes, in his smile, in his confidence, the confidence he has in himself, that he had in her.
Losing that confidence, it felt like the rug had been yanked out under her feet.
The meeting with the board is a blur, all she can think about is how Conner has argued that they were all wrong, that she was wrong.
And its silly to be hurt, they aren't dating, they are barely even friends, just co-workers but since the moment she met him, Connor Rhodes has always been there, with his calm presence and his passion for helping others, encouraging her, believing in her.
A siren has her rushing out, nodding as Maggie barks out orders, directing them and patients into rooms.
Sarah finds herself working alongside Conner, their patient a college girl in a car accident, who is half awake, murmuring a name.
They cut her out of her pretty dress and rush her up to the operation room, but she crashes twice and Conner looks defeated when they declare her dead.
Sarah finds him on the roof, hands clenching the railing, shoulders hunched and she finds herself closing the distance between them.
Her hand touches his shoulder and he turns to face her, blue eyes dark.
"Conner?"
"She kept asking for Lily. Melissa says her daughter is on life support. When she wakes up, she's going to be alone."
"Oh Conner."
Sarah wraps her arms around him, pulling his head into the crook of her neck, his hands clasped together behind her back.
"You're not a superhero. You can't save everyone."
Her fingers comb through his hair and she sighs slightly as his lips brush against her pulse.
Neither can say how long they stay on that roof, but its their pagers beeping that has them pulling away.
Later, Sarah goes to check on the little girl and sees the girl's father and brothers in the room, all curled up on the chairs, surrounding the girl like angels. She finds out later that hospital bills and funeral costs have all been covered and she knows its Conner.
The next day, Conner finds a cupcake from his favorite bakery waiting for him, his name in Sarah's handwriting and he smiles.
When he approaches the desk, Sarah doesn't flee... at least not right away.
She gives him a small smile that has his heart jumping and he opens his mouth but Ethan calls Sarah away and she turns around leaving him staring after her.
Melissa nudges him and Conner makes some excuse to leave, deciding that now is a good time for him to catch up on paperwork.
He watches as Sarah's face lights up at the flowers that are delivered to her, watches the way she smiles and blushes as she reads the note, he watches as she giggles as the box of her favorite tea, big pink bow on the box, new mug decorated with flowers waiting for her to use it. He watches as she cradles the mug in her hand carefully before packing it to take it home.
Conner is at home when he gets the notification that the amazon packages that he got for Sarah were delivered to her. April had made them all make Amazon lists, to make gifts easier. Sarah's was always full of cozy sweaters and books.
He's got the day off and after he gets the message from Sarah's roommate that she's gone, he heads over and he and her roommate, a girl name Amanda and her girlfriend Brenda put together Sarah's bookshelf, the two girls interrogating him while also telling him things about Sarah he doesn't know yet- like she enjoys knitting, or that her mother is never around, missed her graduation, that Sarah likes to around the Maggie Daley park when she needs to think, that Sarah has a small, tiny tattoo of a fox on her hip.
When he leaves, Amanda stops him, hand on her arm and studies him before she nods.
"You're good to her. She deserves someone good. Someone to take care of her."
Sarah comes home to find a new bookshelf in her room, her books all on the shelf. Neither Amanda or Brenda say a word about it other than her secret santa was very nice and they approved of them taking care of her.
Her bedroom smells like Conner and Sarah hugs her pillow to her chest.
She's had a feeling he was the one giving her gifts, all the presents, they are all too much for the others to be able to afford but this? The taking his day off to put together a bookshelf for her?
Her own mother didn't even take sick days for her, but Conner had given up his time on his day off for her.
She doesn't even think, stripping out of her clothes and jumping into the shower and getting changed, slipping into the soft green lace lingere she brought on a whim with her last paycheck, sliding into her shoes, tugging on the yellow cardigan, grabbing her scarf and gloves, all the gifts he gave her and heads out, telling Amanda and Brenda not to wait up and ignores them cheering.
Conner had them over once, just once but she remembers the way to his house, foot tapping as she waits for her uber to come.
Sarah slips in behind a man in a business suit and makes her way to the front desk.
"Sarah Reese for Conner Rhodes."
She's expecting the man to call Conner, to let him know she's here but the man instead nods and gives her a smile.
"You're on the list Ms. Reese. Take the second elevator and get off at seventeen."
The elevator is empty and all she can think about is that Conner has her name on a list of people who can just come up.
There are four doors on the seventeen floor- one had a welcome mat, three pairs of snowboots- two adult and one child, another door has a wreath on it, the third door has a mat with cat hair on it, and the fourth and final door- Conner's door is just plain, no mat, no boots, no wreath.
She knocks on the door and lets out a breath as she heads him call out "I'm coming.
The door opens and Conner's eyes widen when he sees her, her name spilling from his lips softly.
"Sarah."
"You built my bookshelf. You took your day off and built me a bookshelf....why? No one has-"
"Because I knew it would make you happy. Because you deserve someone who take care of you, who choose to be there for you, and I know I haven't always done that. I haven't been a good friend, I hurt you but Sarah you deserve someone who is good to you, who believes in you, who wants to take care of you."
She steps closer her eyes on his lips, her heart racing.
"Is that what we are? Friends?"
He cups her face, lips brushing against hers.
"I'll be whatever you want me to be, sweet girl."
He kisses her softly, gently, little kisses that have her head spinning, her hands clenching his black t-shirt.
A giggle and a loud gasp as Conner pulling away from her, shooting a smile across the hall.
"Sorry Lace."
He pulls her inside the door closing behind them and walks off towards the kitchen.
Sarah toes off her shoes and hangs up his coat and scarf and walks over to join Conner.
He pushes a mug full of hot chocolate towards her and her shoulder's relax as she takes a sip, eyes on the view outside, aware that Conner's eyes are on her.
When she does look at him, his eyes are dark full of want and Sarah slips off the chair and moves toward him.
Her fingers curl around the hem of his shirt and she peers up at him.
"Do you know what the odds of two people getting each other for secret santa is?"
Conner's smile is slow and his hand slides down her back, pulling her closer, his hand on her bare skin.
"High if Goodwin is in charge."
He kisses her again, the kiss harder, his hand firm on her back, stroking circles into her skin.
She lets out a squeak, burying her face into his shoulder as he picks her up, her legs around his waist as he carries her to the sofa, laying her down on top of it, body over hers, caging her in under him, his leg in between hers and her hands slide under his shirt, tugging it off him, looking at him as he tosses it over his head before he's back down kissing her, his skin under her fingertips, a gasp spilling from her throat as he nips at her jaw, making his way down her neck, nuzzling the curve of her breast from where her shirt had moved.
She pushes him back so she can shrug off the cardigan, his eyes following the movement, as she tugs off her shirt, baring herself to him.
"Fucking hell. This my present sweet girl?"
He sucks at her breast, kisses the stretch marks on her stomach, licks at the dips and curves of her body, but he doesn't got farther than that. He tugs her bra cup down and laps at her skin, every touch of his mouth feeling like a prayer, as if he's worshiping her.
Conner grunts as her nails dig into his skin, memorizes every sigh and gasp, every place on her body that draws a sigh, a reaction from her.
When he pulls away, her hair is a mess around her shoulder, her eyes dark, lips swollen, neck and the top of her breasts littered with his teeth, marking her as his.
He curls up next to her, squeezing onto the sofa, and he looks at her, for any sign of regret, any sign of discomfort, but she's studying him, her hand cupping his face and his eyes close and he presses a kiss to her palm.
"I got one more gift for you."
He rolls off the sofa and hurries off to get it and finds her sitting up, bare chested on his sofa, hair flowing around her shoulders and Conner wishes he could paint, wishes he could immortalize her, in this moment.
"This was going to be your last gift, a sort of big gesture moment."
Sarah pulls off the lid and gasps.
"You got me a dandelion necklace?"
Her fingers touches the clear stone gently, the white dandelions forever frozen there.
Conner nods, he remembers his mother, sitting on the grass, telling him to blow the weeds, to blow wishes and kisses. Remembers Sarah twirling the flower in her hand one night as they walked towards the bar, a smile on her face as she blows them towards them, a joke about wishes making them laugh because who would expect straight forward Sarah to believe in something so whimsical?
"They're strong, and always come back, they grow no matter the circumstance, always finding the smallest bit of soil to bloom. Like you, you always find the good in things, always find a way to help others, your path changed but you found a way, found a place in the med field to bloom and I never want you for forget that, never forget to remember how strong you are and that wishes do come true, you make them come true."
Her eyes are full of tears at the end of his speech and he gathers her hair on one shoulder and turns her body and his fingers tremble as he clasps it around her neck.
She turns to look at him the pedant in between her breasts and then she's kissing him again, hands cupping his jaw, sitting in his lap.
They end up laying on the sofa again, legs intertwined, a blanket pulled over their body, talking and exchanging kisses.
They talk about how they miss each other, how much it hurt her, how Conner didn't mean to her, how he always believe her, they talk about Goodwin's scheming, about Will's pining for Melissa, about their shifts without each other, who she misses working with everyone even though she does love working for Dr. Charles, they talk about the patient who pulled the knife on her, who she's seeing a therapist, how he stopped therapy, but maybe he'll go back. They talk until their eyes drift close.
Later, she's have to rush home and change into her scrubs, Conner waiting for her in the car, they'll walk into the hospital together, shoulders brushing, soft smiles on their faces and everyone will breath a sigh of relief,happy that they are okay, that they are getting along, no longer mad.
But that's later, right now they just bask in being together, it baring their souls out to the other, in soft hungry kisses that have ever nerve lighting up like a switchboard.