Work Text:
The doctor sighed. She began putting away her tools in silence.
After watching for a moment, Diluc awkwardly rebuttoned his shirt, happy to once more cover the tapestry of scars that coated his chest and back. He still wasn’t used to seeing them—the white and tan scars that had faded light with age, the puckered new pink scars that had barely finished healing, the deep smooth scars that turned purple and blue in the cold morning air… None of those scars had been there when he’d left Mondstadt all those years ago. It was as if he had returned a new man with a new landscape of skin to match.
He hadn’t minded the scars when he’d been out on his mission, but now that he was back home in Mondstadt they seemed terribly out of place.
“…Do you know what’s wrong?” Diluc asked as he buttoned his last button, looking up to see the doctor gazing back at him.
“Neither my physical inspection, nor my vision abilities could detect anything about you that is in need of healing,” the doctor said slowly.
Diluc paused, slightly taken aback. “So, what? You’re saying there’s nothing wrong? I just need rest and recuperation? I’ve been doing that and nothings getting better!”
“I never said nothing was wrong,” the doctor said carefully. “Just that there was nothing my vision could do,” she added, patting the cryo vision at her hip.
“What does that mean?”
“Have you ever heard of chronic pain, Master Diluc?”
Diluc blinked. “You mean like what happens to older people? When their joints wear out and so on?”
“Yes and no. Chronic pain isn’t just something that happens with age.”
“…So, what else causes it?”
The doctor paused, thinking for a moment. She was an older woman with a kind face. Until now, she had been quite adept at putting Diluc at ease.
“Well, we’re not entirely sure what causes all types of chronic pain—even the Sumeru Akademiya is still researching it—but to the best of our understanding, sometimes, when a person experiences a… trauma of some sort—physical or mental—the body’s nervous system itself gets hurt. And sometimes, it never really figures out how to heal again. Do you understand?”
“…So, what do I do?” Diluc heard himself ask the question, but he felt somehow removed from his body. Everything was slightly dulled. Numb.
“The best thing you could do is make sure to take care of yourself. Get enough rest, exercise, hydration, things like that. There are some long-term medications that can be helpful in the treatment of pain. Regular pain medication will work as well for flare ups, as long as you don’t find yourself relying on them too heavily…”
Diluc listened politely, schooling his face to the neutral blank he used in business dealings, and waited as the doctor wrote out a referral to a doctor she was familiar with in Liyue. He had wanted an answer, a diagnosis, but now that he had one, he wasn’t sure it made him feel any better. He had thought that knowing the problem meant he would know a solution. That was how these things worked, wasn’t it? But perhaps he had been wrong.
“Is there a local physician or healer here I should speak with?” the doctor asked as she was leaving.
A local healer? That would mean Jean or Barbara… “No.” Diluc said, standing to shake the doctor’s hand. “No, that’s quite all right. I’ll inform anyone I need to.”
“Very well. Goodbye, Master Diluc.”
Diluc stood at the door a while, looking out over the Winery, the green of the grape vines undulating gently in the wind. Jean, Barbara, Kaeya… for now, none of them needed to know.
He would handle this himself.
…
Diluc was not having a good day.
He hadn’t slept well for one, and work had been one hassle after another. But honestly, neither of those facts could be truly considered a rare occurrence. Diluc could have handle that. No, the main reason Diluc was having a bad bay was the fact that everything hurt.
He’d known it would be a bad pain day from the moment he stepped out of bed, his legs pins and needles beneath him, his neck and spine creaking with every minute movement. By noon, his entire body was consumed by a bone-deep ache that refused to let up for even a moment. An ache in every inch of his body—his neck, his shoulders and back, radiating down his arms and legs…
Archons damn it, it had been a while since the pain had been this bad. He’d been dealing with his condition for over a year now and had liked to think that he was relatively good at handling it. Perhaps he had been wrong.
He couldn’t afford to take it easy today though; there had been too many reports of abyss order activity near the city for Diluc to take a night off. So once night fell and the denizens of Mondstadt were mostly tucked away in bed, Diluc set out to work once more.
As his reports had indicated, there was a sizeable abyss order camp on the banks of Cider Lake, far too close to city bridge to leave alone.
At least their camp being this close to the city gates meant he hadn’t had to travel too far, Diluc thought wryly. He was hoping he could finish this fight as soon as possible so he could go home and pass out for a year. If a year meant just until he had to get up for an important business meeting the next morning…
Diluc crept towards the camp, knees screaming in protest, using trees and rocks for cover. Once he was close enough, he peaked out to get a sense for the enemies he would be dealing with. There were a handful of hilichurls, two mitachurls, and two abyss mages. The hilichurls would be no issue. The mitachurls would likewise be relatively easy to handle—they were both the type with shields, and wooden shields were no match for Diluc’s flames. The only tricky part of the fight would be the abyss mages—a cryo and a hydo, Diluc’s least favorite combination.
Even then, this fight was well within Diluc’s capabilities. He heaved his sword up and got ready to charge.
…
Kaeya walked across the bridge over Cider Lake slowly, taking deep breaths of fresh night air. It was late. Truthfully, he should have just gone home after leaving work. But he’d been at headquarters late, pouring over an intercepted treasure hoarder message that was written in a new code he didn’t recognize, and his brain was still buzzing far too loudly to sleep. So instead, he had decided to take a short stroll outside of the city.
He had barely crossed the bridge when he heard the sounds of fighting. Familiar sounds.
Ah, of course. Who else would be out here this time of night…
Kaeya changed course, heading towards the fight.
Diluc’s behavior in this matter intrigued him. Kaeya would never be able to understand the fervor Diluc had for fighting the abyss order, let alone the fact that he was willing to go out of his way to fight them. In Kaeya’s mind, any enemy that wasn’t either an immediate threat to Mondstadt or of some remarkable interest to him was no enemy at all. Live and let live. Or something like that.
Diluc found his approach callous. Kaeya found Diluc’s approach nonsensical.
But that didn’t mean that Kaeya would ever knowingly leave Diluc in a bind. So, whenever he ran across Diluc’s nocturnal heroics, he liked to watch from a distance. Just in case his idiot brother ever got in over his head.
When he got close enough to see what was happening, Diluc was squaring up against a pair of abyss mages. A cryo and a hydro. Bummer of a combination… There was evidence that there had been hilichurls and mitachurls to deal with as well, but Diluc had already felled them.
Kaeya crept closer as Diluc fought with the mages. He seemed to be doing an okay job of dodging their attacks, but there was obviously something wrong with his movements. They were far clumsier than usual, the mages’ attacks falling far too close for comfort. Kaeya frowned, hand instinctively landing on his own sword hilt.
If Diluc was hurt, he should probably go help… but then, it wasn’t like Diluc would thank him for the intrusion. Kaeya decided to give him another moment.
The hydro mage’s next attack hit Diluc square on, and while Diluc escaped the mage’s bubble-prison quickly, the struggle left him winded, hands on his knees. Seeing him off guard, the cryo mage prepared to strike…
That decided that, then.
Kaeya reached his brother just in time to deflect the cyro mages attack, spinning to freeze the hydro mage in place before Diluc even seemed to realize he was there.
“Don’t just stand there!” Kaeya shouted. “Get the cryo mage! I’ll focus on the hydro!”
Diluc nodded mutely, straightening with what looked like an effort to get back into the fight.
In the end, Kaeya finished off the hydro mage before Diluc finished his opponent. They finished off the cryo mage together.
Something was wrong with Diluc. Kaeya was sure of it.
…
“You’re off your game tonight, aren’t you, Master Diluc? Long day?” Kaeya commented, sauntering towards Diluc after poking here and there at what the fallen abyss order members had left behind.
Diluc, hands on his knees, panting, straightened his back with an effort. “How long were you just watching me fight?”
Kaeya’s visible eye widened. He opened his mouth to respond, but apparently thought better of it, glancing away to sheath his sword instead. “In my defense, you don’t tend to like it when I butt into your business,” he finally said after a moment.
“Neither do you,” Diluc shot back. He almost immediately regretted it. Archons, he sounded like a child.
“Good thing we’re not talking about me then,” Kaeya said. “Now, show me where you’re hurt.”
“…I’m not hurt.”
Kaeya rolled his eyes. “Come on. I watched you fight—you are clearly not okay. So, show me.”
“I never said I was ‘okay’. I said I wasn’t hurt.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaeya said, reaching a hand towards Diluc’s shoulder. Diluc dodged it, wincing at the sudden movement. “Come on!” Kaeya repeated more forcefully.
“I told you! I’m not hurt!”
Kaeya stopped at Diluc’s outburst, outreached hand dropping back to his side. He took a slow step back. “Okay… What’s wrong then? Are you sick?”
Diluc sighed heavily, stalling for time by dealing with his own blade—sheathing it and returning it to its resting place on his back. “There’s nothing really acutely wrong…”
“Diluc, come on, spit it out, what’s up?” Kaeya’s tone was technically light, joking even, but Diluc had known the man long enough to hear the uncertain fear beneath his façade.
You’re scaring your little brother idiot, just tell him.
“Do you know anything about chronic pain conditions, Kaeya?” Diluc asked, schooling his expression and channeling his best ‘businessman’ demeanor.
“I think I read something about it in one of Barbara’s books the last time I was laid up at the Cathedral… Why? Do you…” Kaeya started, eye widening.
“Yeah.”
“When? How long?”
“Ever since I, um… got back.”
“Over a year?!”
Diluc nodded, watching a kaleidoscope of emotions cross Kaeya’s face—worry, shock, anger at being kept in the dark... He’s too caught off guard to try and keep his feelings under wrap, Diluc noted wryly. He waited for the emotions to cycle back to anger. Kaeya and he fought more often than not these days; it would only make sense.
But when Kaeya spoke again, all Diluc heard in his voice was raw worry.
“How bad is it?”
“Most days? Very Manageable. Right now? It feels like all my bones are grinding together.”
“So… What do we do to make it better? To make you feel better?” Kaeya asked. And Archons there was Diluc’s little brother again, willing to do anything for his big brother.
“I’m fine. I’m good enough at handling this.” Diluc said.
“Bullshit! You’re terrible at taking care of yourself!” Kaeya said, stepping closer again, one hand cautiously reaching towards Diluc’s shoulder.
“You’re one to talk.” Diluc muttered under his breath. He didn’t dodge Kaeya’s touch this time.
“Come on, Diluc, I… let me help. Tell me how to help.”
Kaeya was gripping Diluc’s shoulder lightly, as if he was still afraid Diluc would pull away, but even the slightest amount of body heat from Kaeya’s hand was a balm to Diluc’s aching muscles.
Maybe it would be okay to let Kaeya help him. Just this once. After all, they’d already dealt with the abyss mages and hilichurls that had strayed too close to the city. It was likely okay to relax just a little. And besides, Kaeya wasn’t playing fair, channeling his best little-brother-puppy-dog-eyes like that.
“… Do you think I could just rest a bit at your apartment? The winery seems pretty far away right now.”
“Of course.”
…
Kaeya would have been lying to himself if he said he wasn’t worried. Judging by how quickly Diluc had accepted his help, and by just how much Diluc had leaned on him on the way over, he must have been in a great deal of pain.
“Thank you, Kaeya.” Diluc said quietly once he had settled onto the couch in Kaeya’s living room and Kaeya had gotten a fire started in the hearth. Diluc had told him that staying warm could help. For the first time, Kaeya wished he’d been blessed with a pyro vision instead of cryo. He would have been more use then.
“You’re welcome. I uh… don’t really have any pain medication on hand right now,” Kaeya said, even as he searched through his cabinets to double check. “I mostly just uh… drink for that, you know.” He added sheepishly. “But I know you don’t like alcohol and—”
“Kaeya, you’ve already been a big help.”
“Wolfhook juice might be the only nonalcoholic drink I have around at the moment… but, hey! Razor told me Wolfhooks can help with pain! Or at least they do for his wolf friends…”
“That’s okay,” Diluc said. “I’m okay right now. Really, Kaeya I just need some rest.”
“Yeah?”
Diluc nodded. “Come sit down.”
“Okay.” Kaeya abandoned his cabinet search and came to sit by the fire. Diluc seemed comfortable enough at the moment, but still… Kaeya just wished he could do more. This was hardly the first time he’d patched Diluc up after a fight—both of them tended to come to the other for help when they’d been hurt in some way they didn’t particularly want to talk about with Jean or Barbara—but this time was also very different. It wasn’t like there was some visible wound there for Kaeya to disinfect and sew up, there were no bones to set or joints to pop back into place… This pain was something Kaeya couldn’t see and couldn’t physically take away. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to.
Estranged or not, Kaeya could never stand seeing Diluc hurt.
After staring into the fire for a time, Kaeya realized Diluc was starting to nod off. He knew Diluc had only mentioned resting ‘for a bit’ but it was certainly too late for him to make it back to the winery now. Especially if he wasn’t feeling well. No, Diluc would have to stay the night.
“Hey,” Kaeya said, shaking Diluc’s shoulder gently.
“Hm?” Diluc opened one eye blearily.
“You’re going to kill your back if you sleep like that,” Kaeya said. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Diluc followed Kaeya readily enough, likely still half asleep, until they reached Kaeya’s bedroom. “Kaeya, I can’t kick you out of your own bed,” Diluc said, half-heartedly pushing back against Kaeya’s guidance. “I’ve already taken enough advantage of you. I don’t deserve—”
“What’s deserving got to do with anything?” Kaeya said, nudging Diluc a little more firmly towards the bed. “And besides, who said anything about you kicking me out? Scooch over.”
Later, Kaeya lay facing the wall, his back warm against Diluc’s. He was having a difficult time settling; there was something painfully nostalgic about having Diluc around again. It was…nice, despite the less-than-ideal circumstances. Kaeya felt a little awful for thinking that, but then, it wasn’t like Diluc would ever want to spend time with him in ordinary circumstances. Best for him to enjoy what he could get.
And then there was his more immediate concern: Kaeya couldn’t shake his worry about Diluc. Just how much hurt—physical and mental—had he been hiding over the past year? Did he even have anyone to talk to about it? In the past, Kaeya and Diluc had been each other’s first and most trusted confidant. When that had fallen apart, Kaeya had managed to find a sympathetic ear in Jean and Rosaria over the years. It wasn’t the same as it had been with Diluc, but it was something. He made it work. He wondered who Diluc had. Adelinde, perhaps? But they Kaeya suspected Diluc still did his utmost not to worry her.
“Hey, Diluc? You asleep?” Kaeya whispered into the dark.
“Not with you fidgeting like that I’m not,” came Diluc’s grumpy reply. Even that reminded Kaeya of the old days—Diluc had never liked his sleep interrupted. “What’s wrong?”
“Are you okay?”
“I feel a lot better than when you found me.”
“Yeah, but are you okay in general? I know the pain didn’t just start while you were fighting. Why were you even out there tonight?”
Diluc was silent for a moment. “The abyss order doesn’t take a break, so how could I?” he said. And then more quietly, “Besides, it’s my fault really…”
“…What is?”
“The reason I even have to deal with this. It’s my own fault.”
“That’s not—”
“I made some really poor choices when I left Mondstadt, Kaeya. I won’t lie to myself. It’s my fault.”
Kaeya sat up abruptly, turning to look at Diluc. “Don’t say that. Ever. Are you listening to me?”
Diluc glanced up at Kaeya silently.
“I’ve known Jean and Barbara long enough to know that no healer worth anything ever views someone’s health as their fault.” Kaeya said firmly, his heart thumping in his chest.
“…Just how often do you need healing?”
“Probably too much, but that’s not the point. Do you understand what I’m saying, Diluc? It’s not your fault.”
“But if I hadn’t—”
“Shh. Stop. You blame yourself too much.” Kaeya paused, the room silent, the edge of a thought on his tongue. He spoke again before he lost his confidence. “You blame yourself too much for everything.”
Diluc stilled. He’d heard the meaning behind Kaeya’s words. “I guess this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve blamed someone unfairly… I’m sorry, you know.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
Kaeya lay back down, staring out into the dark again. Looking Diluc in the eye was too much for certain conversations. It took a while for his heartrate to settle again.
“But Kaeya, what am I supposed to do? What I said before wasn’t an excuse: the abyss order doesn’t take nights off. How am I supposed to let myself rest knowing that there’s more evil out there than I can ever face alone?”
“Then, maybe you don’t need to be alone?” Kaeya asked quietly. And Archons he felt like a child again, unsure of his relationship with his new family, his new brother. “You’re plenty strong, Diluc, no one would ever doubt that. But that doesn’t mean you have to be alone.”
Diluc was silent long enough that Kaeya thought maybe he’d fallen asleep. It would be understandable, he supposed, after the day Diluc had had.
“Maybe,” he said finally, his voice so quiet Kaeya nearly missed it. “Goodnight, Kaeya.”
“Goodnight.” And then, impulsively: “I love you, you know?”
“…I love you too, little brother.”
…
Diluc was already gone when Kaeya woke the next morning, but he’d left a note in the middle of Kaeya’s table.
Next time we fight together, I’ll try not to feel like I’m dying. Thank you. For everything.
-D
Kaeya tucked the note into his pocket.
Next time.
He’d said there would be a next time.
Kaeya left his apartment to head to work, a truer smile on his face than he’d worn in days.