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Big loved his job.
It was not easy. During the many, many years he had spent as a bodyguard for the Theerapanyakun family, he had been shot in four separate occasions, and beaten more times than he could count. He had been cut, hit, burned, asphyxiated, poisoned, made run to exhaustion. He was well acquainted with the private hospital of the Compound, and also its training grounds, where he had sweated and bled and cried until he had gone from a newbie to the killing machine he was today.
It had its perks, nonetheless. The food served to the bodyguards, designed to keep them in shape, was bland and unsavory, but it kept him fed. He had a comfortable bed to sleep in. His moody nature didn’t made him the friendliest among the bodyguards, but he had all the company he needed. Big was good at his job, because he was fierce and loyal, which is what had granted him employ in the first place.
Every morning, he stood in the training grounds, and while his teammates complained about it being way too early, Big kept his chin up and his pose firm, waiting for the clock’s hands to signal that it was o’clock. Exactly at seven, and not a minute late, Chan would enter, and his eyes would examine the room in search of any threats, an habit born out of practice over the decades.
Big could try lying to himself about the reason why he wouldn’t change his job for any other, but it there was only one truth.
It had started one morning, many years ago, when Big was just starting with the other newbies that couldn’t tell which end of the gun fired the bullets. Chan had entered the room in exactly the same fashion as he had done every day before that, and as he would do every day after. He had shot a stern look at them, silently criticizing the way they weren’t firm, and ordered them to practice fighting. Everyone had found a pair, but Big had been left alone. Chan had looked at him up and down.
“You, newbie. With me.”
Yes, Big had been there for just some months, but he had something the others didn’t. Pure, raw determination. He had payed attention in every one of Chan’s lectures, he had learned his lesson every time he had failed. And so, he had rolled his shoulders and fought, as best as he could -fiercely. He hadn’t won against Chan -he didn’t even aspire to it, knew he would need decades to even have a chance- but he had tried his best. Chan had pinned him to the mattress between his strong arms, without breaking a sweat, while Big was panting, feeling feral.
And for the first time ever, Chan had looked down at him, and his lips had changed into a subtle, tiny smile.
“You’re improving fast,” he had mumbled, and because he was pinning him down with his entire body, Big had felt his deep voice vibrate from his chest. “Well done, Big.”
It had been that easy. Just three words, mumbled low, somewhere as unromantic as a hot gym full of people, and Big was smitten helplessly.
As the years passed, Big had proved himself to the family, had won himself a place among the Theerapanyakun most trusted men, but that initial crush on Chan had never faded. In fact, had only grown stronger as the years went by, as they bonded over combats and undercover missions and nights standing guard.
Sometimes, he thought about confessing -about looking at him in the eye, and telling him that he loved training with him, that making the corners of his lips turn upwards always felt like the biggest victory, that he was obsessed with the shape of his hands, and that he fantasize with having them all over him. That he collected the memories of the elusive times he had praised him over the years like they were precious, and that imagining him mumbling sweet words next to his ear never failed to make him hard. Confessing that he was in love with him, and had been for an embarrassingly long time.
Seven o’clock arrived, and exactly as expected, the door opened and Chan arrived, dressed impeccable, as always. Big couldn’t help it. His heart always picked up its pace, no matter how many times he had lived that exact moment.
“Today we’ll focus on training your stamina. Start warming up.”
Big did as he was told, stretching on his spot, but it had barely been ten minutes when the door opened, and Kinn came in, and started talking to Chan. Big couldn’t hear the conversation, but he was pretty sure it was nothing very important -at least, Kinn was relaxed as he talked. Chan, well, Chan always acted like everything said to him was maximum priority. Big took the opportunity to watch him, just for the pleasure of doing so -from his stern frown, to his lips, to the beard he always wore. Big wondered if it would be soft under his hands, or if it would scrape his skin. He admired his body, and how well his black clothes clung from it, framing his strong shoulders, hanging from his waist.
As if he could hear his thoughts from across the room, Chan’s gaze left Kinn and fixed on him, and that’s when Big realized that all his teammates were already running, and he hadn’t got up yet. He broke eye contact with Chan and quickly moved.
Yes, he had thought about confessing his feelings many, many times.
But he knew he couldn’t. Because the night he almost had, he had gotten his heart broken.
* * *
Chan took his job very seriously. Every aspect of it. To him, every security protocol was a matter of life and death, every tiny detail, the difference between a job well done, and someone he was supposed to protect dying horribly. He was a rigid man, and liked having rules for everything, including his relationship with others. Great part of the responsibility of his men being loyal to the family and working well between them was his, after all. He just had one weak spot, that no strict protocol could make go away.
Big.
Chan didn’t want to admit it to himself, but there was something in him -maybe the way he always kept his chin high, the way his eyes glistened- that had him having thoughts that he shouldn’t be having with a subordinate. It’s unprofessional , he told himself every time. But then, after a mission, if Big had done a good job, well, it was Chan’s job to tell him, right? To keep morale high, of course. He would mutter the first thing that came to mind, just a mumbled “good job there”, or a “you did good today”. Then he would watch as Big’s pupil grew, and he would answer “thank you, sir” in soft voice, and then he would avert his gaze, as if he didn’t want Chan to peak too deeply into his eyes. No amount of rigid discipline could make Chan impervious to that. Little by little, over sleepless nights making plans, Big had stopped being one of his subordinates and had become -something else entirely. And as much as Chan had wanted to kill the feeling, he hadn’t been able to. The only thing that kept him in place, that cooled his thoughts when Big said “thank you, sir” and bat his eyelashes at him, was that night, many years ago.
Chan remembered it too well, too clearly -Kinn had had the rooftop decorated with lights and candles so he could have a date with his boyfriend at the time, Tawan. Chan didn’t like him, even then, but Khun Kinn was smitten, and Chan didn’t have material proof of Tawan being a mole, not yet, so he had to allow it. He had insisted on supervising, however. And so, Chan and Big ended up in one corner of the rooftop, standing guard, while the couple ate while holding hands. Merely a month later, Kinn would pull the trigger on Tawan with tears streaming down his face -but in that moment, even Chan had to admit that the setting was teeth-rotting romantic.
It was a placid night. The lights of Bangkok shone at his feet -and reflected in Big’s eyes, making him even more beautiful than normal.
“Chan.”
“Yes?”
Big was leaning on the railing behind him, looking at the happy couple. A slow smile crept at his lips -Chan only saw it late at night, when they were alone and he felt relaxed.
“Do you think about love, sometimes?”
The question had thrown Chan off guard. He cleared his throat.
“Not often.”
Big’s eyes were still looking at Kinn, with an unreadable expression on his face.
“I know our profession is dangerous, but sometimes, I can’t help but wish- Wish it was me, there, having dinner with the love of my life” He stopped for a second.
Chan turned to Big, and admired the hard features of his face. He had come here a boy, but not anymore. He was a man, and had been for quite some time now, and Chan was keenly, painfully aware of it. Big’s eyes were fixed on the happy couple, a sentiment on his expression. Longing. Pining.
Meanwhile, Kinn laughed at something Tawan said, with hearts in his eyes. Everything clicked in Chan’s mind. Of course. It was not strange that Big had taking a liking to the son of Khun Korn -he had grown into a handsome man, Big had spent many time now by his side, and they were almost the same age. Chan felt a weird stab on his chest, something that almost felt like jealousy.
“I’ve tried not to, Chan, but I can’t help it.” Big finally seemed to have the bravery to go on, but he still didn’t met his eyes. “I’ve actually -I know loving someone, as a bodyguard, is a terrible idea, but I can’t stand in silence anymore. I’ve thought about confessing for so long, but I never seem to find the words. But it’s a beautiful night, today, and -I wanted to ask-”
Chan’s hand on the railing was gripping it so hard, his knuckles were white. He couldn’t stand listening to Big talking about confessing to Kinn.
“Don’t do this to yourself, Big.”
Big turned to him for the first time. His eyes were too open, too honest -Chan knew that he was an experienced bodyguard, but no amount of training had made him stop showing his raw emotions on his expression. Either that, or Chan knew too well the meaning of each little gesture.
“You think it’s unprofessional.”
It was not a question -merely stating the obvious. Chan turned to the table illuminated by candles.
“Yes, but there’s more to that. We’re bodyguards. It is a dangerous job -and you know it. We cannot afford distractions.”
Big didn’t say anything else. When Chan dared to glance at him, he found his expression turned to stone.
“I see,” he simply said.
“I know it’s not that you wanted to hear, but trust me, it is best if you drop it and forget about it.” Chan made a pause as Kinn kissed Tawan, with the unabashed passion of a fool in love. “Your infatuation with Khun Kinn will only lead to heartbreak. Even if he breaks up with Tawan, he’s not interested in you, and likely will never be.”
Big frowned and turned to him.
“I’m not in love with Khun-”
“You don’t have to give me excuses.” Chan interrupted, because he didn’t think he could stand hearing any details about it. “Bodyguards can’t afford to have feeling for another person, they would become their weakness. You could get them killed.”
Big stood in silence for a minute.
“You haven’t fallen in love since you became a bodyguard here? Ever?”
Chan pressed his lips together, not able to meet Big’s gaze.
“No,” he answered, short and simple. Maybe if he lied enough, he could convince himself.
Big reacted to the answer like he had been kicked in the guts.
“Right.”
“Sounds lonely, but it is not, once you get used to it. And it’s safer. Trust me.”
Big’s gaze left him and returned to Kinn, who was mumbling sweet nothings against Tawan’s neck. There was a pained expression in Big’s eyes, and Chan wished he could make it go away.
“I know it hurts now, but one day you’ll thank me for my words.”
Big stood in silence by his side. Tear started to form slowly in his eyes, but he was too stubborn to let them fall, so he still stood firm, his chin up and eyes to front.
“Permission to go have a smoke break, sir.”
Chan never gave any smoke break, ever, while on the job -even on boring missions like this, and Big knew it. But he understood the meaning behind his words, and nodded sharply.
“Five minutes.”
Big didn’t need to hear anything else. He left in long strides, and Chan forced himself to stand firm and not go after him, because it would be unprofessional, because he couldn’t help him, because he knew he was right, even if the truth was terrible and unforgiving. He couldn’t comprehend why Kinn would want Tawan when Big was right there, with his big eyes and his predisposition to please, and his permanent frown that was so easy to turn into a small smile. Big didn’t deserve to have his heart broken. Big deserved so, so much more than anyone in that damn skyscraper build with blood money could give him.
Five minutes later, and not a second late, Big returned to his post by Chan’s right side like nothing had ever happened, and Chan didn’t say anything about Big not smelling like smoke, the little trembling of his fingers, or about the tear trails he had only been partially successful at cleaning away. He stood firm next to him the rest of the dinner, without saying another word, his gaze never leaving the lovebirds.
Any other night, Chan would have killed and died for his boss’s son.
In that moment, however, as an acrid feeling brewed in his stomach, Chan had never wanted to punch anyone so bad in his life.
* * *
Big stood next to the other bodyguards, firm, watching the clock attentively while waiting for it to be seven o’ clock. Next to him was Porsche, the new recruit, and instead of standing firm, he rubbed his eyes, sleepy.
“Damn. Why do we have to get up so early? Couldn’t this stupid training wait a couple hours?”
Had he been standing next to Pete, Arm or Pol, or someone more agreeable, Porsche would have received a “you’re right, it is early!” or a “don’t worry, you get used to it!” in a cheerful voice. But he was standing next to Big.
“You should send a letter to our fellow rival gangs, to make sure they attack only at hours convenient to you,” Big said, still looking to the front, his voice definitely not cheerful. “Wouldn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep.”
Porsche had been here five days, and in those, he had managed to stir more trouble than anyone else ever before in three times as long. Everyone had been frantically running around the house trying to fix each of his many mistakes, and for some reason, no one had shot him yet. Big volunteered to be the first.
Porsche gave him a nasty look.
“Are you always this friendly, or only this early in the morning?”
“Only with incompetent assholes who shouldn’t be here.”
Before Porsche could say anything that finally earned him the beating he deserved, seven o’clock came, and as so, Chan entered the room. All the bodyguards stood firm, except for Big, who was already standing correctly, and Porsche, who as always, couldn’t give a single fuck.
Chan surveyed them the same way he did each morning.
“Pick a partner to practice.”
Big turned around, making a show of actually looking for a partner. Porsche looked around lost for a second, until Pete gave him a smile and gestured to come with him, and so, Big was the only one without a partner. Normally, he tried to choose another bodyguard and practice as intended, but every once in a while, he couldn’t help giving into the temptation of having Chan for himself for a few moments. Chan and him spent plenty of time alone, planning missions, but sparring gave Big the opportunity to be even closer to him. Every now and then, Chan would subtly correct his posture or grab him somehow, and those little touches made Big fly.
“Seems like we’re odd again, Chan,” he said, in low voice, knowing that only Chan could hear him, and so, he could drop formalities.
For a moment, he saw something glistening in Chan’s eyes -like he wanted to spar with him almost as much as Big wanted. But then his gaze slid to where Porsche was struggling to follow Pete’s instructions, and duty took over.
“Big, you go with Pete. Porsche, come with me. You need more instruction.”
Big stood there, grinding his teeth, and didn’t move until Porsche walked past him, bumping into him because both of them refused to move. Big then went practice sparring with Pete, but he kept watching Chan out of the corner of his eye, as he explained things that Porsche should already know by now, if only he had been paying more attention. Porsche didn’t listen to a single thing, of course, and so, he kept being thrown into the mattress again, and again.
After a particular hard punch, Porsche stayed on the mat. Chan stood above him.
“You still lean too much on your right side. Makes you vulnerable.”
Porsche looked at him gritting his teeth.
“Fuck you. I’m sick of this.” He got up slowly, ignoring Chan, and slowly made his way to the door.
“Come back. The lesson hasn’t finished yet,” Chan said, calm but authoritarian. There was still four minutes on the clock -Big knew by experience that the class wouldn’t end a minute earlier. But Porsche was enraged.
“No. I’m sick of this stupid lessons, of this fucking compound. I miss my home, I miss my brother, I’m going for a smoke. Don’t fucking try to stop me.”
Chan opened his mouth to say something probably thoughtful and wise, but Big had already put up with Porsche enough.
“You’re an idiot,” he said, his fists closed by his sides. “You think we do this for fun? Every little thing Chan teaches has a purpose, every time something goes wrong it was consequences-”
“I didn’t ask to be here! I was threatened and basically blackmailed-”
“You’re an ungrateful asshole, and your incompetence is going to get Khun Kinn killed!”
At that, Porsche lunged forward, and Big prepared for the incoming fight, his fist tightening in anticipation, but Chan put himself in between, stopping Porsche in his tracks. Judging by Chan’s eyes, it was a miracle Porsche didn’t burst in flames.
“You.” Chan’s voice was hard as steel. “Get out of my sight. You’ll report later for punishment.” Porsche left the room, seething. “The rest, go to the showers. You.” When Chan finally turned towards him, Big felt a shiver run up his spine. “Come into my office.”
Chan left the gym, not bothering with looking back. The other bodyguards looked at Big with a mixture of sympathy and pity -everyone knew how bad Chan’s punishments could be. Big sighted and followed him, trying to keep his chin upright. He hated being scolded by Chan -as much as he loved when he praised him, when the opposite happened he always left hating himself, feeling like an utter disappointment.
He opened the door. Chan was sitting on his chair at the desk, in the small, secluded room Chan had. Everything was neatly in his place, in an order only Chan could understand. There wasn’t a chair for Big to sit in, so he just stood in front of the giant oak desk, under Chan’s heavy gaze. Only then did Chan speak.
“Big, what was that?”
Big exhaled, still angry.
“I can’t stand him. He is rude, dismissive of our hard work, he dared shouting at you! Has he no respect? He is useless, even worse, a threat, and Khun Kinn will get hurt, or worse, and-”
Chan slowly rose from his seat, with his hands on the desk, and Big closed his mouth instantly.
“What Porsche does is my concern and mine only.” The whole office smelled like Chan, somehow -like wood, and the aftershave he used. Paired with Chan’s low, grave voice, was making him dizzy -and a little hot in his pants. “He sure has a long journey ahead before he can call himself a respectable bodyguard, but you picking a fight with him won’t solve anything. In fact, it will only cause more trouble.”
Big lowered his eyes, but was met with Chan’s waist, where the shirt was neatly tucked in his black pants, and so, he quickly returned his gaze his face.
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
Chan kept looking at him for a few moments, his gaze completely scorching.
“Come here.”
Big rounded the desk, until he was standing right in front of him. Big had to try his best not to squirm in place, not even as Chan lifted his hand, slowly, and grabbed Big’s chin with sure fingers. Big stopped breathing for a second.
“I know what’s the matter with you.” Chan mumbled, and his fingers tightened around Big’s jaw. “You got jealous .”
Big tried to keep his cool, but knew that Chan could read every gesture on his face, even the imperceptible way he had opened his eyes. Had his expression betrayed him when Porsche had taken his spot at sparing with Chan?
“I didn’t,” he lied. “I don’t know why you don’t hate him too. You had to clean all the messes he made. Did you even get any sleep tonight? You’ll get a migraine again.”
Surprise shone in Chan’s eyes, either at the fact that Big cared about his well being, or because he had found out that he often got migraines after pulling all-nighters. Chan had never complained about his headaches, but Big knew, because the same way Chan could always read his facial expressions, Big could distinguish between a frown of pain and any other of Chan’s frowns.
“Don’t try to distract me,” he mumbled, even if Big wasn’t trying to do so. He grabbed Big with more force, his fingers sinking into his skin, and Big’s heat rate accelerated. “You’re jealous that Kinn is paying attention to Porsche. But I’ve told you before, you need to be able to set your feelings apart. Don’t you remember what I told you years ago?”
Big had to suppress a bitter laugh. Right. Chan thought Big was in love with Kinn. Big hadn’t been able to tell him the truth, not without admitting to way worse, so he had rolled with it. Truth be told, he didn’t think Chan would remember the night where he had inadvertently told him that he didn’t share his feelings and never would -but of course he did. Everything that could be relevant to Khun Kinn’s safety was important to Chan. Big wished he mattered to him, well, maybe not as much, but almost.
“I do remember, sir. Perfectly.”
Big shouldn’t be liking so much that Chan was holding his face, but he did. He had Chan at kissing distance, and it was at the same time incredibly erotic and an absolute torture. He just really hoped his uniform was enough to conceal his bulge.
“I’ve seen you pin for years, Big.” Chan’s voice was merely a mumble. “Don’t try to deny it. There’s this sort of -longing, in your eyes. I see it every time Kinn brings a new lover, every time anyone mentions anything about love. You must know that it is a terrible idea, don’t you?”
Big was sure his pounding heart could be heard across the room.
“I do, but I can’t help it, sir.”
Chan pulled Big’s chin up, until he could feel his warm breath on his skin.
“What do I have to do to make you stop pining for him?”
To that, Big couldn’t help a bitter smile from escaping his lips, even if restrained by Chan’s fingers.
“I don’t think you can, sir.”
To that, Chan finally released him, but then Big found himself caged between the desk and Chan’s body. Chan’s eyes shone with fury.
“You’ve pushed my buttons for too long now. For years. Every single time Khun Kinn comes to the gym to talk to me, I find you staring. I’m going to have to punish you.”
Big had been subjected to punishments before -mostly, doing pointless exercise until his limbs hurt for days. But something on Chan’s eyes -something that almost looked dark, dangerous- told him it would be different this time -and he shouldn’t want to find out. But he did, more than he would ever want to admit. A shiver run up his spine.
“I’ll do whatever you say, sir,” Big said, but his voice was raspier, breathless.
Chan’s words rumbled on his chest.
“Take your clothes off.”
Big’s eyes went the size of saucers, but he saw on Chan’s eyes that he was completely serious.
Big took off his shirt, and Chan’s eyes devoured the expanse of his chest. But it was not enough. Slowly, Big kicked his shoes off and reached down, taking his pants off. He stood in front of Chan, in the middle of his office, only in his black briefs, which were doing nothing to hide how hard he was. Chan’s eyes raked him, hungry.
“Everything.”
With a shaky breath, Big let his briefs fall to the floor. We was left completely naked, his tip bright red, in contact with the air of the room. Chan chucked.
“I’ve always knew it was easy to get you worked up -but I didn’t know how much.”
Embarrassment made his cheeks burn, but Big didn’t move, trying his best to not squirm, standing firm in front of Chan like he had done thousands of times before -in wildly different circumstances.
Chan raised a hand and placed it on Big’s thigh. He slid it over his muscles, touching him lightly, over his hip, his abs, getting close to his crotch, but never doing more than graze the place where Big wanted him. Big forced himself to stay still and not say a word, because he didn’t think he could live with the embarrassment of asking for something like this. Chan’s hand cupped his balls lightly, and Big started to leak, a drop forming at the tip. Just before it fell, Chan took it in his thumb, sliding it across his slit. It took Big way too much effort to not cum on the spot, despite barely having been touched at all, especially after Chan took his thumb to his mouth and licked it clean, making sure Big watched it.
Big bit his lip, decided to not moan, because that would be humiliating, because he would have to come to work tomorrow and the day after that and look Chan in the eyes, knowing that Chan knew how fucking easy it was for Big to start moaning desperately.
“Is this my punishment?” Big managed to choke out. “To humiliate me until I cum?”
“As much as I would like to see that -no.” Chan came a bit closer -Big tried to pull away, but he had the desk behind him. Chan placed a wet kiss on the skin of his neck, as his hands roamed through his hip and back. “Your punishment is to have any thought of Kinn fucked out of you.”
Chan pressed his hips against Big’s, and he felt it -Chan was hard, maybe as much as he was, underneath his formal black pants. Big was one conveniently placed kiss, one touch away of confessing that this was every wet dream he’d had the last decade, but then another idea crossed his lust fogged mind. A very bad idea, probably.
“I don’t know, sir. I’ve wanted to be one of Kinn’s lovers, to be his toy to fuck for so long,” he mumbled against Chan’s ear, sliding his hands over his back, wanting to commit to memory every muscle he could feel under the fabric of the shirt. “I don’t think you can fuck me hard enough for it to go away.”
Then he saw it -Chan tightened his jaw, and his glossy eyes shone with fury. The slap was sharp and unexpected, leaving Big’s skin prickling with pain.
“On the desk. Now.”
Big didn’t even had the opportunity to get on top by himself -Chan manhandled him into position, his back against the cool wood, his legs spread open and all of him fully on display, from the tip of his cock leaking against his stomach to the hole that Chan looked at with hunger in his eyes. Without taking his eyes off him, Chan rummaged through one of the drawers of his desk and pulled out a bottle of lube. Big was immediately flooded by mental images of Chan touching himself on his chair, alone, his groans echoing across the empty room, but he would have to store those thoughts for later. Chan undid the button of his pants, and Big couldn’t help but to stand on his elbows, watching transfixed as he smeared lube all over his shaft, so fucking thick, Big was salivating at the sight.
Chan moved closer, and for a second, Big thought he was going to kiss him -the thought managed to put more butterflies in his stomach than anything else they had done yet. But Chan put a kiss lower, on his neck, nipping and nibbling at the skin. Big would have some marks tomorrow, surely, but he didn’t give a single fuck. Not like Chan would be able to punish him for lack of professionalism.
Chan used some more lube on his fingers and slid them around Big’s entrance, teasing him.
“Fuck, you’re so pretty,” Chan muttered really low, like it wasn’t something that Big was supposed to hear.
Big contorted on top of the desk, his legs locked around Chan’s waist, still trying not to moan while Chan opened him, his fingers moving inside him with masterful precision, or maybe Big was so turned by just Chan that everything felt incredible. He still stood with his resolve to not look desperate, until Chan grazed a certain spot inside him, and his moan was heard across the room. Chan laughed, an honest smile, and for a second Big lost focus of everything else, his breath taken by just how handsome he was.
“That’s what I wanted to hear,” Chan mumbled. “I bet Kinn can’t pull this sounds out of you, can he?”
Kinn was the furthest thing from Big’s mind in that moment. He wanted Chan to fuck him, but what little dignity he had left -never mind that he was naked on a desk getting split open- forbade him from doing so.
“He doesn’t, he can’t,” Big answered, which was true. It made Chan press his prostate harder, and Big curled his toes. “Sir, I’m close, I can’t-”
Chan fucking stopped. He took his fingers off Big, leaving him open and exposed to the air. Big whimpered and whine.
“Had you forgotten this was supposed to be a punishment?” Chan’s teeth sank into Bic’s shoulder, as if he was trying to mark him. “I should have you training at the pool tomorrow. I should have everyone see you covered in marks. I should edge you again and again, for every single time I’ve had to endure you looking at Kinn.”
Big shuddered, he almost wanted to cry from how much he wanted to come.
“Sir, please,” said Big, with his eyes closed, because everything was too much.
Chan kept talking to him in low voice.
“Tell me what do you want, baby. Is it Kinn? Any other boy your age?”
Big had his arms looped around Chan’s shoulders, not wanting him to go away, but he didn’t seem to mind, nipping at Big’s chest while he waited for an answer.
“I want you, Chan, only you, sir. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.” To hell with dignity. Big was not going to let this opportunity go to waste. “So please, please, fuck me.”
Big opened his eyes just to see Chan’s pupils go wide, full of lust. Big couldn’t take it anymore -he moved his face and kissed him. Chan moaned -a sound that went straight to Big’s neglected cock- and deepened the kiss, until they both were struggling to breath.
“I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t,” Chan said, with labored breaths. His tip was resting just at Big’s entrance, teasing. “But you’ve always been my weak spot.”
Chan then moved his hips, the head of his cock entering him, and Big was sure he was getting split open in two. He made the loudest, filthiest moan of his life, as Chan slid deeper inside him and Big scraped his shoulders with his nails. He was sure he was leaving long, red marks along Chan’s back, but from the way Chan panted as he bottomed inside him, he didn’t seem to mind. He forgot everything about dignity as soon as he had Chan inside, pleading at him to go harder, faster, panting and moaning so loud he could only hope no one was walking by the door, because he was sure he could be heard from the hallway. Chan moved his hips at a maddening rhythm, while Big slid his hands all over him, trying to make sure he’d remember every detail later. He fused with Chan in a messy kiss, sliding his lips across his beard, putting his hands behind the jacket of his suit to feel his chest, covered in a shirt.
“You’re always so good for me,” Chan muttered. “So eager to please. You won’t come until I tell you, right? I know you’ll be obedient, you’re such a good boy. You’re doing so well, all hot and open for me, just for me-”
Every snap of his hips was sending fireworks up Big’s spine, and every filthy word that came out of his mouth pushed Big closer to his impending orgasm.
“Chan,” gasped Big, as Chan’s hand gripped his cock. “I’m close, I’m so close, please, please let me cum.”
Chan started pumping him at the same rhythm he was fucking him, leaving Big a trembling mess. But he couldn’t come, not without Chan’s permission. He’s a good boy, he’s Chan’s good boy-
“Let go, baby, let me see how pretty you are.”
And Big did, almost instantly, fueled by his hands and his cock and the filthy words he was whispering in his ear. He came hard, in an orgasm that had him curving his whole body while Chan fucked him through it, his thrusts losing rhythm as he got close to the edge, too. He came barely seconds after Big, with a groan and a curse. Even fucked out of his mind, Big made sure to open his eyes, trying to commit to memory Chan’s face and the sensation of him emptying inside him.
They stood like that, half hugging on top of the desk, for a few seconds, as they both tried to regain their wits. When Big opened his eyes, he found Chan looking at him, but unlike any dream he had had in the last decade, there wasn’t a gaze full of love and adoration. In Chan’s eyes there was only-
Horror. As reality set in, and they both realized that they were still boss and his subordinate, that they had had sex on top of a desk in Chan’s office where anyone could knock at the door at any time, and that no matter what happened, they still had to see the other tomorrow, and the day after that.
Chan opened his mouth to say something, but whatever he was going to say got lost as the phone rang. Duty took over immediately, and in an instant, he got up, Big suddenly feeling empty and cold and extremely naked. Chan picked up the phone, with his pants still open.
“Khun Korn. Yes, sir.” Big got up on his elbows, feeling the intense desire to cover himself. He took the opportunity to look at Chan, who was fixing his pants as he talked to Korn -he looked perfectly composed, as if nothing had happened. Only details revealed that he wasn’t completely unaffected -his breath, still a bit ragged, his lips a bit swollen. Big couldn’t hear what Khun Korn was saying, but at a question, Chan hesitated before answering. “Yes, sir, I’ll be there right now.”
He walked to the door. He hesitated again when his hand closed over the handle and he turned his hand to Big, as if to say something, but then he changed his mind again, and quickly exited the room.
Big took his knees to his chest for a moment, still looking at the door, until it became apparent that Chan wouldn’t come back, at least for a while. He then put his clothes on, and left.
* * *
Big was laid on the bed, in a clean change of gym clothes, looking at the ceiling. It was almost time to go to dinner, and he hadn’t done much that day, except avoiding Chan. It hadn’t been hard, since he was avoiding him, too, but he knew this couldn’t go on for long. Tomorrow, Big would take courage and face him as normal, and act like nothing had happened.
Problem was, he still retained the feeling in his bones. The cold shower had cleaned him up, but it hadn’t managed to get Chan’s smell from his skin. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw Chan’s face contorted in pleasure. He could still feel him, his hands ghosting over his skin. Sometimes, when he least expected it, he felt like he could still hear him panting, his breath across his chest. God, Big had never come so hard. Somehow it had been better than any wet dream he had ever had.
Except, in most of his dreams, whenever they had finished, Chan laid by his side, hugging him, mumbling whatever Big was in the mood for that day -that it had been incredible, that Big was the love of his life, that he would never tire of doing this with him. It was his dream, after all. He had never imagined the phone ringing, the panicked look on Chan’s face as he realized what he had done.
The look on his face was the second thing that haunted Big the most, he had decided. The first one was still his voice in his ear as he told him that he had always been his weak spot.
Chan had given him the best fucking orgasm of his life, and then had disappeared without a word. And the worst part about it? Big didn’t regret it one bit. He knew perfectly that given the chance, he would kiss Chan again, he would lie in his desk again and moan his name and confess that he wanted him, only him, no other-
Big sighed. He would deal with everything tomorrow. He would skip dinner tonight, and just stay in his room, overthinking and lying to himself.
There was a knock on the door. Big sighed again and stood up, and he opened the door absentminded.
On the doorway was Chan, hands behind his back and chin up, looking exactly like he did when he was briefing something to Khun Korn.
“Chan,” Big said, stupidly, but he didn’t have much else to say.
“I’d like to have a word with you, if you don’t mind. It won’t take long.”
Big didn’t know what to expect -truth be told, he didn’t have much thoughts running through his mind, with Chan in front of him, in his room. He didn’t remember ever seeing him in the regular bodyguard’s quarters.
“Yes, of course.”
Chan entered the room and closed the door behind him, and they stood face to face in Big’s tiny room, in silence for a few moments, until Chan did the last thing Big wanted him to do. He bowed deeply.
“I’m sorry.”
* * *
Chan couldn’t see Big’s face, only his shoes. He had been thinking his apology all day, had even written a draft in a piece of paper that now was crumpled in the floor of his office -it was now maddeningly hard to concentrate there, when he could remember the way Big’s back had arched on top of the same desk he was supposed to work on. He couldn’t remember anymore what he was supposed to say, so he took a deep breath and did his best.
“My actions this morning were inexcusable. I am your superior, and I should act like it at all times, but I let feelings get in the way of rational thinking. I just- jealousy took the best of me. Again, I apologize profusely, and hope you can forgive me. It was dangerous and unprofessional. I promise, it won’t happen again.”
Big didn’t say anything at first. When Chan finally dared to look up, he expected Big to be remorseful, or emotionless. Instead, he had an expression of barely contained anger, his hands turned to fists by his sides.
“How could you?”
Chan closed his eyes. He deserved all of Big’s disdain, but that didn’t make it hurt less.
“I’ve already apologized, Big. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t change the past, but I will make anything you want to make it right.” This last part was what had been brewing in his mind the whole day, and saying it out loud felt physically painful. “If you don’t think you can work with me anymore, I will resign. This job means everything to me, but -so does my honor. And you,” he added softly. “I could never stand making you uncomfortable. I’ll take responsibility for everything. Say the word, and I’ll have my resignation letter in Khun Korn’s desk in half an hour. You won’t have to see me ever again.”
Big’s eyes got huge for a second, and the next, he was even more furious, his hands closed fists by his side.
“Fuck you,” he spit.
A man in Chan’s position didn’t hear those words often, much less from his subordinates, much, much less from someone as loyal and devoted as Big. He opened his mouth, but Big didn’t let him say anything.
“Have you lost your mind? Resigning -this whole fucking building would go up in flames in an hour without you, everyone knows it. Are you hearing yourself? You think you can just give me the best fucking sex of my life on top of a desk and then apologize? And I’m supposed to pretend it didn’t happen? Fuck you, Chan!” Big was almost vibrating with fury, angry tears about to fall. “Do I have to wait another fucking decade to get to kiss you? I’ll do it, I’ve already done it once. I can take it if you don’t want to do this anymore, if you’re too focused on your job for me -but I draw the line at apologizing, like it was some sort of quick fuck, a mistake for you. Leaving me on top of your desk without a word, that’s what you should be apologizing for! But what happened this morning in your office, I-” He closed his eyes and breathed deep, trying to calm himself. “Let me have that, at least.”
Chan blinked, taking in what he had just heard. Big didn’t meet his eyes -there was still some anger left over in his frown, in the way he pressed his lips together.
“Leave. I’ll see you in the morning. Seven o' clock, sharp.” Big’s voice had become softer, merely a whisper, and his eyes didn’t meet Chan’s face.
If he turned around and left, tomorrow would follow the same routine it had followed the last decade, where the most exciting thing that could happen to him was Big being paired with him during practice. He would have to look him in the eyes every day, pretending he wasn’t thinking about the time they’d had made love on a desk, and about this moment, with Big angry at him, for the first time ever.
“I won’t leave without making things right. It was not a quick fuck to me, either, Big” Chan confessed. “Everything I said to you was true, whether I like it or not. But I thought -you were in love with Kinn.”
Big finally looked him in the eyes. Despite that outburst of fury, he was now calm, and the little light shining in his eyes that Chan loved so much was there again.
“I’m not in love with Kinn. I never was. That night at the rooftop, I was trying to confess to you, Chan. I’ve always been, I mean, for years, I’ve loved-” Big closed his mouth, a slight blush across his skin. “But then you told me it would be a bad idea, so I- dropped it, like you said. Or tried to, at least. I was never very successful.”
Chan breathed deeply, and it was like air was finally getting into his lungs, after years without it. Without thinking, he let his hands circle Big’s waist, holding him close.
“Thank God,” he sighed in the crook of his neck. “Because I was never very successful at forgetting you, either.”
Big smiled and put a hand on his chest, the other one holding his face, and joined their mouths into a kiss. They had kissed that morning, but it was different -there was no rush on this one, just the taste of every single moment Chan had spent with Big that last decade, making boring security plans less boring just because he was by his side. They explored each other’s mouths slowly, like they had all the time in the world. Chan was not good at slow kisses -despite some conquests when he was young, hadn’t had much practice since- nor at love confessions, but he tried his best. He pulled away from their kiss, just a bit, and cleared his throat.
“How about -well, leaving you wasn’t very gentlemanly of me, and I still intend to make things right. I know this restaurant -it’s nothing fancy, but it’s good. We could have dinner, right now.”
Big grinned from ear to ear, and it took all the air out of Chan’s lungs. Fuck, he was gorgeous.
“I think we did this in the wrong order,” Big said, laughing. There was a shine in his eyes that Chan didn’t see often, and it was making him dizzy, but he could get used to this. “I’d love to have dinner with you.”
* * *
The next morning, Pol kept looking at the clock with a despaired face.
“It can’t be. The clock must be late.”
Arm shook his head.
“I’ve checked. Every other clock said two minutes past seven, too.”
Pete squirmed on the spot.
“There has to be a perfectly logical explanation. Some sort of natural disaster?”
“Like what? Hell freezing over?”
Porsche rolled his eyes.
“Don’t be so dramatic. It’s only two minutes. It barely counts as being late.”
“It’s Chan we’re talking about,” Arm reminded him. “He has never arrived late, not a single time, since I’ve been here. Or ever.”
“Neither has Big, speaking of the matter,” Pete interjected, looking around. “He’s always the first to be here. Where the hell is he, too?”
“You think something serious has happened?” Pol asked. “It must be something extremely important to keep Chan busy. Maybe there has been an attack, or Khun Korn is being kidnapped right as we speak, and Chan is fighting by himself against a dozen enemies.”
Arm thought about it.
“Maybe we should go check.”
The bodyguards looked at each other.
“If Chan comes and we’re not here, he’ll have us running laps around the Compound until we collapse,” Pete pointed out, biting his lip.
“If something happens and we weren’t there because we were waiting here doing nothing, he’ll personally shoot us in the face,” said Arm. “And then he’ll have us run laps around the Compound.”
They gave it a whole second of silent consideration before running to the door. Pol’s hand had not yet grasped the handle when the door opened, missing hitting him the face by a mere inch. Chan looked at them contemplatively.
“Two minutes, and you were trying to ditch practice?”
“No, sir, we were just-”
“Should have been faster, then.” Chan said, strolling into the room. “Start running laps.”
The bodyguards of the major family were too relieved to know that Hell was warm and toasty again to complain. Only then the door opened again, and Big showed up.
“Khun Chan, sorry for the delay.”
Big looked exactly as professional as he did every day, but Chan could still see the tell tales of last night -his expression was softer, he had a shine in his eyes. Chan could easily remember how Big was full of hickeys and bruises in the shape of his fingers underneath his uniform. Half of them were from last night, and the other half were the reason they had been late this morning.
“That’s inadmissible, Big.” Chan didn’t want to, but a small smile pulled at his lips. “After this, report at my office for punishment.”
No one was looking at them -they were too busy running. Fortunately, because anyone that looked at him when Big grinned would have understood too many things about them.
“Yes, sir.”