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“Hey kiddo,” Victor said to him, giving him one last squeeze. “It’s time, buddy.”
Freddy shook his head. They must’ve been here for at least an hour already, but there would never be enough time to say goodbye. There were just so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to tell him.
But he knew those words would just fall on dead ears.
Freddy watched blankly as Victor draped his jacket over Billy, covering the upper half of him so now only his legs were peeking out. Somewhere beside him, the sound of sobbing just got louder. He turned to see Darla was full on bawling again, crying out loud as Mary tried to comfort her. Freddy couldn't blame her, somehow covering Billy up like this made the whole thing seem more morbid than just seeing his charred remains as is.
“I don’t want Billy to go!” Darla wailed between heaving sobs. The innocent declaration made Freddy's heart hurt all over again.
Mary's eyes glistened, her head shaking slightly as she squeezed Darla tight, tears dropping down her face as she began sobbing too. Eugene, who had been standing in the back this whole time suddenly lost strength and just sat on the ground, curling into a ball as took off his glasses to cry. Pedro just stared at the ground.
“It’s okay,” Rosa murmured to them, her eyes wildly looking around between them, trying her best to be a comforting mother. “It's alright, it’s going to be okay.” It sounded like Rosa was trying to convince herself more than them.
Regardless, Freddy knew it would never be okay. It would never be okay that Billy died, that he gave up his life like this, that he wasn't with them anymore.
Freddy flinched as Victor leaned over to scoop his hands underneath Billy to pick him up. Part of Freddy willed Billy to react to the movement; cliché finger twitch to signify life, to make a groan, just anything, anything at all to prove he was alive…
…Please.
Instead, all that happened was one of Billy’s arms falling out from under the jacket, blood, burns, and all.
He hadn't expected anything to happen, but he stayed devastated, and he just looked away. No matter how hard he convinced himself that this was really happening, Freddy still couldn't believe it. He just couldn't believe that Billy was just a dead body now.
Rosa came up beside her husband, trying to hold back tears. “Before we lay him to rest, we…” She took a moment to breathe in a shaky breath. “Let’s get him into some nicer clothes. Clean him up a little, make him look-” Rosa cut herself off, lips trembling as she reaches out to touch the bundle in Victor’s arm before retracting it. “Ay mi Madre, I cannot bear to see him like-” She put her face in her hands, sobbing again.
“It’s okay, Rosa,” Victor said calmly, even though his own tears. “We’ll take care of him. I promise.”
Even as Victor walked away with Billy, Freddy couldn’t find the strength to stand up. He just couldn’t believe this was happening. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see Anne, looking down at him with the most sympathetic look she could manage.
“Freddy, I’m…I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
He knew she meant well, but he just shook his head again and looked back down, her sympathy too much for him to endure right now. Freddy just looked down back at the indentation in the ash, where Billy had been, where he died , feeling the sheer cold emptiness just crushing his soul.
A 'sorry' won't undo what had happened. A 'sorry' wouldn't bring Billy back.
Freddy wasn’t sure how he got back to where they had parked the van. Vaguely, he remembered walking, but it was all a blur. Just suddenly, he found himself standing numbly next to his siblings, watching Victor and Rosa discussing something out of earshot. Rosa looked upset, but she finally nodded her head, turning away. His dad looked just as upset, but he still went around the van and opened the trunk.
And Freddy's heart jumped into his throat when he realized what Victor was doing.
“You can’t!” he blurted out, shocking everyone around him. He walked a few steps forward, feeling betrayed. “You can’t just put Billy in the back of the trunk like-like…” he stammered, the hot flame of anger igniting within him. “-like he’s just another bag of groceries or-or-...”
An image of Billy’s face appeared, an old mundane memory that hadn't seemed important at the time. His brother was holding a bag of food Rosa had bought on a shopping trip, one the two had accompanied her so many times before. The memory was so sudden, so vivid, it was like Billy was standing right in front of him again.
The ghost gave him an exasperated look. ‘You can help a little, you know?’ it chided him with a small chuckle, before turning away towards the back of the van, melting away with each step.
Then all he saw was that broken, charred arm hanging limply from underneath Victor's plaid jacket.
“I c-can’t do this,” he mumbled, shaking his head as he stumbled back. “I can’t do this anymore.”
They always sat in the front together. All or none.
Right?
Suddenly he felt arms around him and he looked to see that Rosa had encased him in a tight hug, pulling her close. This act of kindness only reopened the wounds that had only just begun to try scabbing over and Freddy began crying again.
Through his tears, he saw Victor place his brother in the trunk, looking so broken as placed Billy in there. After hesitating for one moment, Victor finally shut the trunk before whirling around and looking away, bringing his arm to cry into it.
Freddy knew it was unfair to snap at Victor like that, it wasn't as if his father wanted to put Billy there. They couldn't just put him up in the front with them. But the very idea that Billy was being treated like he was an object, that he was there in the back by himself…
“I can’t do this,” he repeated under his breath, feeling just so heartbroken.
“You can,” he heard Rosa whisper to him. “We can together.”
Somewhere in the depths of his consciousness, another ghost turned to look at him. It whispered words he knew all too well with an encouraging smile. The apparition leaned over to give him a brotherly pat on his shoulder before it turned away and was gone.
“All or none,” Freddy repeated, nodding his head in understanding, more tears coming down his face.
At some point, their parents managed to corral them into the car. The next thing Freddy knew, he was sitting in the old van, in his usual seat, looking down at his feet where he saw that same old scratch on the corner of the flooring, that the same scuff on the seat in front of him. If he stared long enough, it almost felt like nothing had ever happened.
He had stopped crying sometime during the car trip and now was just feeling exhausted and just numb. He wasn’t sure when it happened, but Anne had grabbed it in his hand, squeezing it tight in an attempt to comfort him. Despite appreciating her kindness, it did nothing to quell the icy ache of loneliness in his heart or the knowledge that a dead body was in the back, in the trunk.
If he had been smarter, had he just moved that bit quicker, if he hadn’t been so stupidly lovestruck, would Billy still be alive? Was there more he could have done? More that he could have said? Then Billy wouldn’t have had to force himself into a scenario he was never going to escape from?
The guilt had become overpowering, paralyzing . A metaphorical finger pointing straight at him, accusing him of all his mistakes, all the choices he had made up to that moment Billy had walked away to die.
Was there really… nothing he could have done?
Freddy closed his eyes, leaning back and covering them with the back of his hand, knowing that no amount of bargaining was going to stop his brother from being that corpse in the trunk.
He might have fallen asleep for a little, because he jumped in cold sweat when the car finally stopped. Freddy sat up and looked out the window and his heart stopped when he recognized the collapsed ruins of their house.
Wordlessly, the family all climbed out of the vehicle to look at what was left of their home. This was their house, one that he had grown up in, where he met his family, where he met Billy. Now all that's left was a building barely left standing. He almost couldn't bear looking at it. Freddy wanted to kick and scream. It wasn't fair that he lost his brother like this, but he had to lose his home too? It hurt more to realize that with it, the ruined building took memories of Billy with it.
Everyone stood in silence for a moment before Victor finally turned toward them.“Rosa and I are going to poke around to see if we can find something for-”, he took a small breath,“for Billy.”
“Will you kids be okay?” Rosa asked gently.
At first, no one among them answered, but thankfully Mary did eventually speak up. “We’ll be okay.”
Lies.
Freddy watched Victor go to the back of the trunk and open it. He saw the man stagger as he laid his eyes on what was inside, putting a hand over his mouth as the grief overtook him briefly. The same thing happened to Rosa a moment later.
Instead of approaching, Freddy fled to the other side of the road, near some rubble, not too far away that he couldn’t be seen, but far enough away that he couldn’t see inside the trunk. Anne quietly followed and settled beside him, saying nothing, but offering her presence as comfort. Freddy was grateful for that, he didn’t feel like talking at the moment.
He hadn’t noticed at first, but his siblings had all come to sit by him too, right in view of their broken house and the van with their brother’s corpse in it.
The only one who didn’t join them was Mary, who sat on the pavement directly across from them, right next to the open trunk, the Wizard standing solemnly nearby. His older sister's eyes stared distantly ahead, hands draping across her folded knees, the only one among them who had the strength to sit vigil for their dead brother.
Maybe it was a bit selfish that he wasn’t doing this himself, his heart just couldn’t take the grief of seeing the body again, but he was so glad that Mary and the Wizard were accompanying Billy like that, even if he was nothing but just a corpse now.
After all he’s done, Billy didn’t deserve to be alone.
It didn’t take too long for Rosa and Victor to come back. They had managed to salvage one of Billy's shirts, shoes, among some other things. The two addressed them all with pained, supportive smiles before beginning tending to the body, trying to make it pretty or whatever.
Freddy knew they couldn’t make the charred corpse look like it was alive again.
Mary had watched them for a moment before standing up, a fresh line of tears had just drifted down her cheek.
“Let me help,” Mary said, standing up.
“No, mi amorcito,” Rosa said, shaking her head. “You don’t have to-”
“I have to,” Mary reasoned, coming up to them, more tears falling from her eyes.
“Mary…” Victor began.
“He’s my brother!” she almost shouted, the pain in her voice so raw. His heart ached when he heard those words.
“I have to,” she said in a much quieter voice, absolutely heartbroken. "He's my brother," Mary repeated through fresh tears.
Freddy gritted his teeth as a sharp stabbing pain struck his heart again and he lowered his head to rest on his arm. He had just finished crying, was he going to cry again? Beside him, Eugene buried his face in his arms and from the all the sudden sniffling, he could tell everyone was crying again.
Rosa and Victor exchanged silent looks before they finally relented, allowing Mary help them deal with the dead body. Freddy clutched his fingers, feeling a new wave of pain washing over his heart as he watched his older sister, tears in her eyes, cleaning up their dead brother’s body.
“I don’t like this…” whimpered Darla, scooting closer to them.
“Me neither,” he replied, a little colder than he meant to. But he couldn’t help it.
“Why can’t Billy be okay?” Darla was sobbing again and Pedro came to sit by her, pulling her to his side.
No one could answer that kind of question. No one had the answer.
Eventually, Mary, Rosa, and Victor finished up their work and it was decided that they would go to the Realm of Gods to bury him there. Thankfully, the Wizard was able to call the door to the Rock of Eternity, even though his powers were mostly gone. It was a perfect place to bury Billy, supposedly, it was very beautiful and 'worthy of a god', or something. How pretty or beautiful it was didn't hide the fact that they were literally burying a dead body.
As everyone got ready to go, Freddy accidentally got a glimpse of the body in the trunk.
Billy was presentable, as much as a charred corpse could be anyway. Most of the excess blood had been cleaned up and he was in decent clothes now, but those terrible burn marks were still all over his face, all over his arms. Even though it was useless, it looked like Mary, Rosa, and Victor had even bandaged his more grievous wounds. Somehow, the fact that they did made the emptiness hurt so much more.
What hurt the most was that it looked like Rosa and Victor had managed to salvage some photographs. There were many of them scattered around the body, of memories bygone.
Freddy's heart panged when he realized that most of them had Billy in them: him sleeping with Darla in his arms that one time, that ice skating trip, birthdays, family vacations…And there was one, right by Billy's head, one that reignited his grief right then and there.
In that captured memory, there Billy was, smiling like nothing was wrong. Freddy was standing right by him, with just a foolish grin. They had been so oblivious to what the future was going to hold. The people in that photograph had no idea what was going to happen.
The sheer dissonance of their smiling faces next to charred remains of his brother was agonizing .
“M-mom?” Freddy asked, his voice wavering, feeling the tears beginning to form again.
Rosa immediately came to him, glancing at Billy briefly and came over to him. “What is it, sweetie?” she asked softly.
“Do you…” The words got stuck in the back of the throat. But he had to ask. “Do you think…when Billy- w-when he…” he stammered. “...do you think it-it… hurt?”
He saw Rosa visibly swallow, the tears escaping the corner of her wide eyes as she took in his question. She opened her mouth and let out a slow, shaky breath. Then she gave him a tight smile.
“No. No, no, I’m sure it was-” Rosa swallowed again, making an effort to smile. “I’m sure Billy didn’t feel anything,” she said, voice cracking, a tear running down her face again. “I’m sure it didn’t hurt.”
At that moment, Freddy was done pretending he was finished crying, he just couldn’t hold it back anymore. The thought of Billy’s last moments alive, painful or not, was just the last straw for him. He let out an anguished grief-stricken cry as the tears came back in full force. He wanted to scream, as loud as he could, and he did. If only it could somehow bring him some relief from this horrible grief.
He felt Rosa’s arms wrap him in a tight hug, and soon, even more arms appeared around him. After a moment, Freddy realized everyone had come together in a grieving, family hug. Despite the support and solidarity it hurt to know that Billy wasn’t even in this hug. He would never again.
Billy slept in the back truck of their car alone, next to his own smiling face.
-~*~-
Freddy jerked awake, feeling like part of his soul had just been ripped from his body. Panic gripped him in icy clawed hands and he snapped his head to look at the bed on the other side of the room. A body was there, unmoving.
“Billy!” he shouted, scrambling off the bed, not even bothering to grab his crutches as he tried his best to get to the other side of the room. “Billy!”
He stumbled on his bad leg and ended up falling by his brother’s bedside, but he managed to recover quite quickly. As he got up, heart went cold when he saw a limp arm hanging off the side of the bed.
Panicking, he scrambled to his brother’s side, shaking him. “Billy…? Billy?”
“Mmm, huh…Freddy…?”
“Billy!”
“I’m awake, I’m awake!” Billy pulled himself up, shaking him off. He sat up, slightly panicked but annoyed, his eyes blinking lazily. “What? What is it?” His brother squinted at him, confused.
Freddy watched him in stunned silence as his very much alive brother rubbed his eyes sleepily. Instantly, he was filled with a sense of relief, feeling as though a weight was lifted up his shoulders. But it left behind a grief so bare he thought he was back there in the stadium full of ashes again.
“You’re okay,” he breathed, tears pricking the corner of his eyes, staring at Billy in disbelief.
“Hmm…yeah?” he mumbled drowsily. Billy narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “Sumthin’ wrong?”
“I…” Freddy swallowed. “Nothing, nothing, just… wanted to see if you were… awake,” he lied.
Billy gave him an unimpressed look. “Well, I am now. What time is it?” After another yawn, Billy seemed to catch that something was wrong. His brother gave him a suspicious look.“ Freddy, are you o-”
“Well, uh, mission accomplished, amirite?” he interrupted him. “Nice work today at the robbery-thing, especially when you did that- " Freddy animatedly gestured with his hands enthusiastically. "...I just, uh, wanted to let you know, y'know?"
His brother stared at him, dumbfounded in silence.
Billy was about to open his mouth, but Freddy cut him off again “ Whew, you know, I’m exhausted. You must be too considering I just,” he glanced at the clock,” woke you up at 2:43 in the morning like a normal person.” Freddy nervously laughed, tears threatening to fall. He hoped Billy couldn’t see them in the dark. “Y-You know what? I think I, uh, I’m just gonna head back to bed. You should, too. Go back to bed, I mean. Get some sleep, big day of captain-ing shazam-ing tomorrow, right? Right.”
Not giving Billy another chance to interrogate him, Freddy whirled around and retreated back to his bed, as fast as his bad leg could allow him.
“Night!” He said in a cheerily voice as he climbed in, pulling the covers over him. Freddy shifted so he faced the wall and away from Billy’s prying eyes.
Freddy felt Billy’s pressing gaze at the back of his head for a long time before he heard the bed creak. A few moments later, soft snores indicated that his brother had fallen asleep. Slowly, Freddy turned back around so now he was watching Billy in his bed again.
Despite his relief, Freddy couldn’t sleep. Instead, he spent the night looking over his sleeping brother, making sure he could count each breath he took, just to make sure he was still there.
That he was okay.
The next morning, Freddy felt dead on his feet. He had probably gotten only a few minutes of sleep in the morning when Billy woke up and started going about his morning routine. He felt exhausted and drained, he just wanted to plop back down and sleep, but he was at peace watching Billy checking his phone as he brushed his teeth, looking through his clothes to see what he would wear today. Mundane actions he had taken for granted for so many days, for so many years, ones he had to treasure.
He almost nodded off during breakfast, but the relief of just seeing Billy casually eating a piece of toast while scrolling through stuff on his phone was so great, he found the strength to power through his exhaustion Still, Freddy kept glancing at him, his charred toast and jam looking more and more unappetizing with every glance as he checked on his brother.
Billy seemed to notice his staring after a moment and his eyebrows furrowed in worry. “Freddy? What’s up?” he asked him. Billy was looking at him kindly, like he always did.
Freddy felt a withering emptiness as he met brother's concerned, blinking eyes, watching as Billy took breath after breath. It just was nice, just to remind himself sometimes.
He just gave him a soft, weary smile. “Just glad you’re okay, Billy.”