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Sometimes Sousuke wondered if he was overthinking. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. He surely couldn’t just go up to the other and ask ‘are you stalking me?’.
Sousuke lived in his apartment complex for almost three years. The complex was huge, divided into three buildings that were connected by skyway hallways and the main lobby with three tiny, cramped elevators that left most to be sacrificed to the long flights of stairs or to wait for the return of their only way up that didn’t require exercise. The apartment was known as the Big Red, since it had been smothered in one of the brightest red paint Sousuke had ever seen in his life. But he couldn’t complain. The rent was cheap and the room was enough space for him to live in comfortably.
Well he used to be comfortable until a few months back.
Someone had moved across the courtyard in one of the empty apartments. Sousuke and their apartment windows were lined up perfectly that many future accidentally gazes were bound to happen that Sousuke realized he needed to buy curtains if he didn’t want someone seeing him in his birthday suit after he stepped out the shower.
The new guy had been the first to spot him. He gave a friendly wave and Sousuke just stared a second before doing the same. That’s all the communication he had assumed would happen, a few waves if they saw each other and that’s it.
He didn’t expect the newbie to actually come to the opposite building and successfully find his apartment, bearing gifts and introducing himself as Hazuki Nagisa, a freshman in college who was majoring in History. After that their conversation was a blur, well it was most of Nagisa’s drunken babbling.
Somehow the blonde had managed to get back to his own apartment in one piece and from then on Nagisa seemed to become a leech to his life.
“Sou-chan! You’re coming home late!”
Sousuke flinched as he turned off the engine to his bike. He calmly took off his helmet and looked over to see Nagisa had been dumping some trash.
Ah, so he wasn’t out waiting for me then.
He climbed off his bike and put up the kick stand. He could hear small feet walk up behind him and let out a silent sigh.
“Did your mean boss make you stay late again?,” Nagisa checked his phone and frowned, “Ehh, but then you’re only going to get, like, three hours of sleep at this rate!”
“Why do you know my schedule?” Sousuke glanced back, frowning.
“Eh? You told me?” Nagisa blinked owlishly. “Remember? You said you had two jobs and you could only get about five hours of sleep!”
Sousuke tried to think back but couldn’t bring the memory front and center.
“I’ll bring you some dinner! I still have leftovers!” Nagisa began to back up to the apartment complex.
“No wai--” Sousuke couldn’t even finish his sentence once Nagisa suddenly dashed inside at top speeds, probably wanting to feed him as quickly as possible so he could shower and get to sleep. Sousuke wasn’t sure if he should appreciate it or get more irritated. He just wanted to go to his quiet apartment by himself.
He headed up to his apartment and tossed his helmet and jacket messily by the door with his shoes and headed to the bathroom to start the bath, a nice soak would probably be better than a quick shower. He sat back and listened to the sound of the rushing water. He could already feel his tension melting until his front door slammed open.
“Sou-chan, I brought the food!” Nagisa called in.
Sousuke sighed and stepped out the bathroom to see Nagisa already set up the meal on his excuse of a kitchen table that was mostly filled with wrappers from fast food joints and empty convenience store box lunches. Nagisa peeled open the container of the food that looked to be a plate of fried rice with tons of beef slices and fried chicken to the side.
“You actually had leftovers?” Sousuke spoke up as he walked over and took a seat. Okay maybe Nagisa was useful sometimes. He began to eat while the blond grabbed a beer from his refrigerator and placed it down next to the food.
“I had tons and tons of food! Haru-chan came over and made me a feast!” Nagisa grinned and took a seat in the opposite chair.
Haru, he remembered that guy, he was supposedly a soon-to-be professional swimmer. Sousuke assumed that was half the reason he didn’t like him. That had once been Sousuke’s own dream until his shoulder gave up on him from all the strain and overexerting he did. Haru made him think of his failures more than he wanted to and then his annoying, stoic expression pissed him off more.
“Ah...” He chewed slowly, seeing that he was eating Haru’s food. Damn, it was good though so he couldn’t just chunk it.
“So Sou-chan, you’re off the day after tomorrow right? It’s really rare when you get your off days lined up! So could we hang out--” Nagisa’s babbling became blurred to Sousuke as he tried to pay attention to his food intake. The quietness of the apartment had immediately dissipated.
“-- Rin-chan’s place.”
Sousuke paused in mid bite and looked up.
“Rin’s place?” He perked at that.
Matsuoka Rin was another to-be Olympic swimmer friend of Nagisa’s. Sousuke had met him a few times. He was the exact opposite of Haru. Determined, fierce, and dedicated to get where he wanted. His passion always made Sousuke .. excited?
Once Rin had found out Sousuke has been on a similar path and had given up, he had suddenly appeared on his doorstep and lectured him, telling him to work on his injury, get the help he needed, and return to the swimming world. It had stunned Sousuke, they weren’t even considered friends at that point but here this feisty red hair was, making him vow to get to the world’s stage.
And that’s what Sousuke did on most of his days off - physical therapy. The second job was to pay for it. Of course he’d come home tired, but when he woke up in the morning with a goal in mind, he would feel energy just pour into his body and he’d be up on his feet, ready to fight the day head on.
“I guess that means you’re in,” Nagisa chimed, “meet me in the lobby at 1?” He stood and reached over to take the empty container from Sousuke’s hold.
“Uh, yeah.” Sousuke gulped down his beer and then stood to walk Nagisa to the door.
“Then, see you later Sou-chan!” He waved and stepped back as Sousuke closed the door. He heaved a sigh and then brought a hand to his cheek to pinch away the smile that was trying to form. He shouldn’t be this happy just to see Rin again, but he was. He breathed and headed to the bathroom quickly, hoping the tub hadn’t overflowed.
Outside the apartment door, Nagisa stood with a tight hold on the container and a frown on his face. He looked back to the door and released a small sigh. “I knew it..” He murmured and took a couple steps away from the door. “Sousuke.. you like..” He stopped himself from talking any further and headed down the hallway.
Sousuke couldn’t believe how time seemed to pass so quickly. Here he stood with Nagisa in front of Rin’s temporary dorm. From what he gathered from Nagisa, Rin was actually going to a college abroad but decided to do the one year exchange program back to Japan just to comfort him homesickness and reconnect with his friends and family again.
He tried to keep himself from tensing up when Nagisa knocked loudly on the door, calling out Rin’s name to open up.
Finally after some shouts of ‘coming’, the door pushed opened.
“Nagisa, you’re way too loud,” Rin sighed and then glanced to Sousuke, “it’s been a while, Sousuke!”
“Y-yeah.” Sousuke cleared his throat a bit, his nerves were already acting up.
“I bought you guys beer!” Nagisa held up the plastic bag of various cans of brand named beer and pushed his way inside, shouting more greetings. Sousuke was confused at first, maybe more people had come over and Nagisa hadn’t told him? But then again, he had zoned out on half of Nagisa’s conversation so it was his fault.
He stepped inside and toed off his shoes to follow Rin down the small hall and into the open space that was both the sleeping and eating area. He could see a futon peeking out one of the closets to the side. He eyed the small group of people and resisted the urge to sigh. Of course there would be other people here, why would he imagine just himself and Rin? Especially when it was Nagisa who invited him to come along.
“Yamazaki.” Haru greeted before sipping his tea.
“Nanase.” Sousuke grumbled and took a seat at the table. He eyed the others who greeted him as well. He kind of remembered the Makoto guy, the guy with glasses was a mystery to him though, and of course he remembered Gou, the little sister of Rin.
Nagisa placed down the bag of alcohol and began to start up a conversation about something. Sousuke was more focused on Rin who was in the kitchen. After a while, Rin returned with two tea cups and a bowl of rice crackers.
“Here you go, guys.” Rin plopped down the tea cups in front of Nagisa and Sousuke before taking a seat right beside Sousuke.
Sousuke worked on trying to calm his racing heart and took a small sip of his tea. The hot liquid burned his lip and tongue but he held back the urge to spit it out and forced himself to swallow.
Nagisa sipped his tea, taking a peek at Sousuke every now and then with a frown before quickly hiding his strange behavior with a giant smile and silly tales of how he stole Rei’s swim trunks one day so they could skinny dip together.
“Nagisa-kun!” Rei screeched, his face red as a tomato as the others laugh and patted Rei’s shoulder reassuringly.
Somehow along the way, drinks were opened and time became nothing as it slipped away. The day dipped into night and the household of laughter and chatter began to slowly die down. Most had passed out from their excessive drinking, surprisingly the only ones to survive it all were Sousuke and Rin, though Rin was barely conscious at this point.
Rei had been the first to pass out followed by Gou and soon Makoto and Haru. Nagisa had only fallen just a few seconds ago, mumbling about food as usual.
Sousuke felt dizzy and his eyelids heavy, he was ready to join the others in the snooze fest.
“You’re a good drinker, Sousuke!” Rin patted his back hard and clumsy. “We should drink again sometime.” He grinned and took a last sip of his glass, unable to go on anymore.
“Ha.. yeah..” Sousuke felt his cheeks become warm, the small contact made his body feel like it was on fire. He stared at Rin, watching his every moment until he was caught. Unlike his usual reflexes to turn away and pretend nothing happened, the alcohol had dulled all those fears and insecurities.
“What’s wrong?” Rin squinted, his words a bit slurred.
Sousuke breathed and was unsure how to respond. His mind wasn’t working properly, or was it and he was ignoring the warning noises in his head? He leaned over, eyes flickering back and forth between Rin’s lips and eyes. Something as small as a kiss would satisfy him, right?
“Sou--”
“Sou-chan!” Nagisa suddenly was on his back, his arms tucked around him and tugging him back until he was at a good distance from Rin who looked incredibly confused.
“Sou-chan, Rin-chan sucks at staring contests!” Nagisa waved his finger as he spoke. “He’s a sore loser at them, too!”
“I am not!” Rin huffed and then brought a hand to his head, groaning. “God, I need.. I need to lie down.” He mumbled and did just that. “I accept your challenge, Sousuke... when I wake up later..” He mumbled and brought an arm over his face, his body slowly relaxing until sure enough he was dead asleep like the rest.
Sousuke couldn’t believe what just happened. He had been this close to actually kissing Rin. He wasn’t sure what he felt right now. Relief that he didn’t almost screw up their friendship? Anger that Nagisa had stopped him from a chance at something great if Rin had responded positively? But Rin was drunk, he was drunk. His actions would be considered mistakes in the end.
“Rin-chan is dating.”
Sousuke felt his blood freeze and his heart stop. Slowly he turned to face Nagisa who had a small, sad smile lingering on his lips.
“What... did you say?” Was it disappointment he felt or fear that Nagisa knew what he was saying. Did he know this entire time about his slowly building feelings...?
“Sou-chan..--”
“I need to go.”
Sousuke pulled himself up to his feet and stumbled his way to the door. It took him a couple of seconds to get his shoes on and ignored Nagisa calling out to him as he slammed the door shut and made his way down and out the apartment complex.
It was dark, he was sure he could make the last train though. He walked carefully, not wanting to stumble and pass out. He didn’t need to be another random drunk on the street.
“Sou-chan..!” A voice in the distance called out followed by quickened footsteps. “Sou-chan, wait!”
Sousuke glared ahead and came to a halt, refusing to look behind him.
Nagisa caught his breath and looked to the broad back of his companion. “Sou-chan, I’m sorry..! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings-”
“How long have you known?” Sousuke whispered. He needed to know when Nagisa caught onto his feelings. When he had let it slip for anyone to even realize it. Did the others know? Were they just being polite about it and pretending to know nothing? Were they laughing at him behind his back this entire time?
Nagisa grew silent. At one point Sousuke thought he might have left but didn’t hear any footsteps so that couldn’t be the case. He just wasn’t answering the question, probably afraid of how he’d react once he learned the truth.
“How long?” Sousuke asked again.
“.. a couple of months..” Nagisa spoke softly, as if hoping some type of noise or disturbance could have happened at that exact moment to block out his voice.
Sousuke let out a bitter laugh and finally turned around to face Nagisa.
“So then, when were you going to use this information on me? I’m sure you want something.” He snapped, narrowing his eyes at the short man who flinched at his icy words.
“I wasn’t..! I don’t want anything..!” Nagisa stepped closer, eyes pleading. “Sou-cha-
“DON’T CALL ME THAT!” Sousuke slammed his fist on the nearby light pole, just needing to let out some of his stress, some of his anger, some of his fear. The light flickered a second and then returned to normal, continuing to bask them in a light of interrogation.
Nagisa grew silent again and Sousuke turned away.
“I’m leaving. Don’t bother me tomorrow or any other day--”
“I like you.” Nagisa spoke.
The words that always echoed through Sousuke’s heart and mind whenever Rin was in sight, whenever Rin was so close to touch, whenever Rin had his attention focused on him. I like you was something Sousuke had grown accustomed to always buzzing somewhere inside of him.
“I like you, Sousuke.” Nagisa spoke again, a hand coming to grip onto the back of Sousuke’s shirt. “The reason.. I never said anything is because of that. I knew you would reject me.. so I waited.. and waited.. and then Rin-chan started dating.” He paused to take in a breath, his throat felt so dry.
Sousuke didn’t know if he should make him stop talking. Should he? He brain screamed at him to do just. His lips parted but stopped when Nagisa began to speak again.
“I.. I was so happy. Because I knew now you wouldn’t confess to him once you found out.. and then I would have a chance..?” he laughed and brought his other hand up to wipe away the tears already beginning to pour down his face, “but that’s just cruel of me.. me wishing you’ll get hurt and then look to me for comfort.. maybe even fall for me?”
This was unbearable. This secret, this confession, this truth. Everything about it was unbearable. All Sousuke wanted to do was push him away and run. He felt Nagisa’s hand slip from his shirt, this was his chance to escape this.
“Sousuke.. please answer.”
Just run away and don’t look back.
“Sousuke..?”
“You are cruel.” Sousuke turned to look to Nagisa with a final, warning glare. “Stay away from me.”
Two weeks since Sousuke had last spoken to Nagisa. Whenever they would see each other in the lobby, Nagisa would walk off and keep his head bowed. Sousuke on the other hand would be close to calling out to him but stopping himself once Nagisa was gone.
Two weeks of this pattern and it was driving him nuts.
Actually, it hadn’t been driving him as mad until the previous night. He had been unable to sleep due to the sticky, humid night. The fan only blew hot air, no real relief. He was close to using his air conditioner but didn’t have the funds to pay for the bill that would come to eat out his wallet in just a few days.
He stood in the kitchen, sipping his water and peered at his window. A weird sensation tugged him over and he lifted the curtain just a bit to see the outside. He wasn’t surprised when his eyes came in contact with Nagisa’s window. He honestly didn't expect nothing but a darkened room.
Instead he could see a faint white glow of what he assumed was a television. He could make out Nagisa sitting on the floor and his face in his knees. At first Sousuke thought maybe he had fallen asleep, but the blonde suddenly sat up and wiped his face, his shoulders jerking a bit from a sob.
He was crying because of a show, that has to be it.
Though the more Sousuke thought about it, the more he believed that was not the case. He had spent much time with Nagisa and no show or movie had ever made him that emotional that easily. It was always the opposite effect, excited and laughing, even if the movie was of horror genre.
Sousuke massaged his temples as he left his second workplace to see heavy rain. He vaguely remembered hearing about a downpour. He strapped on his helmet as he entered the small alleyway near the building where his bike was parked. He froze when he saw someone leaning against his bike, staring down at their phone.
“Hey, get away from my bike!” His voice muffled by his helmet but loud enough for the other to hear as he stormed closer and squinted.
The man glanced up surprised and then frowned, snapping his phone shut. “Sousuke.”
Sousuke froze. “Rin..?”
“You tried to kiss me that night, didn’t you?”
Sousuke almost dropped the teapot in his hand.
The two had returned to Sousuke’s apartment, the drumming noise of the rain was appreciated since the apartment was a bit too quiet. Sousuke slowly looked over his shoulder to Rin who was running a towel through his wet hair.
“Uh.. what was that?” Sousuke turned back to pouring two cups of tea and walked over to set them on the table. He hoped he was just hearing things.
“You tried to kiss me,” Rin took the cup and blew a moment before sipping the hot brew slowly, “I’m the kind of drunk who remembers everything sadly.” He sighed and lifted his gaze to Sousuke a moment. “So, does that mean you like me... or you’re just extremely affectionate when you’re buzzed out of your mind?” Sousuke gripped onto his cup. He knew he should go with the latter but he always sucked at lying.
Rin sighed and leaned back in his chair, the towel falling off his hair and onto his shoulders. “So that’s it, huh...” He smiled weakly and looked to the blocked window, sipping his tea in a long silence. Sousuke did the same, hoping it would calm his panic and racing heart.
“.. why are you here, Rin?” He had to know what was this all about.
“.. isn’t it obvious? Nagisa hasn’t been himself since that night. Every single day he pretends to be okay. He wouldn’t tell me anything, hell he wouldn’t tell anyone anything. Makoto is worried as hell, Haru is ready to kill someone, Gou and Rei are on the verge of losing their mind..” Rin glanced to Sousuke, eyes pleading for answers. “... Sousuke, please. Tell me what you said to him?”
Sousuke glared down to his tea, watching the steam rise and dissipate. “I have nothing to say to you, Rin.”
Rin breathed slowly and leaned over the small table. “Kiss me.”
Sousuke snapped his head up in surprise. “What..?”
“I said kiss me.” Rin challenged. “Kiss me right now and tell me how you feel.”
Sousuke stared at the offer lips and the fierce glance. Before all of this he would have happily obligated, but he knew this was a test. Some kind of test he would either get a pass or fail on by how he reacted.
“I.. can’t,” Sousuke murmured, “you’re dating..”
Rin stayed where he was and leaned back. “I’m not dating, Nagisa misheard me... so are you able to kiss me now?”
Sousuke swallowed and shook his head, unable to make eye contact. “No, I can’t. I..” His mind kept flashing back to Nagisa’s confession and that night he spotted him crying in his apartment. Everything made him feel sick at this point.
“Good.. I would have lost my respect for you if you did kiss me.” Rin sighed in relief and smiled softly. “Now.. would you go speak to Nagisa? He keeps acting like a tough guy.. but he needs to speak with you. Both of you need to speak to each other.” He turned his attention on the apartment a moment. “.. this place is way too lonely, you know?” He whispered.
Sousuke stiffened.
Was that it? Loneliness? He had wondered why the apartment suddenly felt so cold, so empty, so much dimmer. It was spiraling back to his days before he met Rin and found his goal to return to swimming. It was going back into the horrible, dark place. Before Rin, that’s all he ever felt.
No.. before Rin, Nagisa had been there.
Annoying, loud, intrusive. Most people would hate people like that but.. could that have been what he needed? Someone to start knocking at his door and bringing in more life to his being? Nagisa had done that. He had brought homemade food that soothed him, conversations and laughter that made him crack a smile every once and awhile. He then brought Rin, someone who helped him set a path for himself.
Nagisa truly was a start for him.
“I like you,” Sousuke murmured and glanced up to Rin who didn’t at all look surprise, “I like you.. but I think.. this is another type of like.” These past two weeks, he hadn’t thought of Rin once. Even after learning of Rin dating, it hadn’t hurt him as much as it should have. He had honestly forgotten all about it the next morning. The only thing that kept stabbing him in the chest was the look on Nagisa’s face that night. What he felt for Rin was infatuation, not romance.
Rin smiled and winked. “You’re just figuring that out now? I’m sure you’ll find someone you truly like one day, Sousuke.” He jerked his head to the window. “Why not put this bad romance to the side for a second and go rekindle an important relationship?”
Sousuke looked to the cloaked window and stood. He marched over to the curtain and tore it down. He could see Nagisa in his living room again, sweeping and paying no attention to the person staring at him from across the courtyard.
Sousuke slid open the window and took in a deep breath.
“Nagisa!” He shouted loudly, his voice echoing loudly and penetrating the sheets of rain.
Nagisa jumped startled and looked to window, first shocked then confused before going to the window quickly and opening it.
“Sou-chan?!” Nagisa called out.
“I’m sorry!” Sousuke yelled through cupped hands. Other residents of the building began to come to their windows, some peeking out, others opening their rooms and looking up to see where the shouting fest was coming from.
“I’m sorry for being a dick! I’m sorry I hurt you..! I’m sorry I couldn’t return your feelings!”
Nagisa blinked rapidly and shook his head. “No! I’m sorry for being selfish, Sou-chan! I’m really, really sorry!”
The screaming match of apologizes continued on for what felt like forever until finally both of their throats became sore and tired. Sousuke rubbed his throat and glanced over to Nagisa who was smiling and laughing a bit, flinching when he did as he rubbed his own neck.
“You two are such dorks.” Rin shook his head but couldn’t stop the grin on his face.
“I want to try..” Sousuke whispered.
“What?” Rin glanced over as Sousuke turned towards him. Emotion blared in Sousuke’s eyes, he squeezed his hands at his side.
“I want to try and see where this leads..” He took a peek at the window and saw Nagisa was gone, probably on his way to his apartment. “I want to see if maybe ...,” he smiled to himself and turned back to the front door, “I did actually like someone this whole time.”
Rin chuckled and stood up. “I better get out of here. Don’t want to bother you lovebirds.” He walked to the door and grabbed his jacket and swapped his slippers for his boots. “Oh and Sousuke,” Rin glanced back, “I’m telling the others it was you who upset Nagisa. So watch out for future trouble.” He winked and was gone.
Sousuke let out a small chuckle, he deserved it. He moved to his couch and sat down, waiting impatiently for Nagisa’s appearance. He squeezed his hands together and breathed coolly. The rapid knocks finally came and Sousuke took another slow breath.
Sousuke stood and went to the door, his hand placed firmly on the knob. He opened it, ready to welcome in the one who brought passion back into his life.