Chapter Text
Regulus never thought he was going to live past 20 ever.
Not since Sirius left home.
He was not trying to be a pessimistic person. No. He was just a realist. After all, being an optimist only reserved for strong people. He by no means was strong. He was weak; a coward who only knew to heed whatever his parents wanted him to do. Even though it meant walking into his demise. A filial son, that was what he is.
Or a coward, Sirius would say.
But that did not really matter in his opinion, it did not matter in the grand scheme of things.
“Hey, Evan,” called Regulus, head turning to his friend beside him.
Both of them were laying under the tree trunks beside the Black Lake, ray of sunlight pouring from between the leaves. Their bags and books scattered around them, messy and teenager-like. They just came from their last class, and now waiting for Barty to finish his Transfiguration’s class.
There was something innocent with laying down like this, not doing anything; just mindless chatter and the sound of nature. Sometimes, when Regulus laid down like this, he loved to think that there was nothing in this world that could touch him.
Not his parents. Not the war. Not the Dark Lord.
Not even Sirius.
Like there was a bubble, a shield, a wall that disconnected him with the outside world.
He felt free.
After a few moments passed between them, Regulus continued, “What would you do if your days was counted? If there is a timer for your life and it’s coming to its end, what would you do?”
Hearing that, Evan Rosier quickly sat up, eyes furrowing at his friend, “what do you mean, Reggie?”
Regulus just laid there, ignoring his friend’s movements. He stared at the trunks, at the trees, at the blue sky and the bird that flew near him. He shrugged his shoulders as his lips parted and said, “I mean what I mean, Evan. What would you do if you know that you’re going to die? If you only have days before you left the world? What would you do? What would you feel?”
Without giving any answer nor reply, Evan took his hand and hold it. Regulus could feel the warmth radiating from his friend’s hand. Could feel the unsaid ‘I am here’ from the said act. And that made something happened inside Regulus’ chest, like a wild monster trying to escape from his cage. Or maybe that just Regulus’ needs to cry. Maybe he actually wanted to cry, to sob at his friend’s embrace.
Evan ran his thumb over his upper hand, making a soothing motion. “Well—” he started. “If I knew that my days are counted then I’m going to do whatever I want to do. Anything. Not even the consequences will stop me. Why would I care for the repercussions when I knew that when it will happen, I will not be here anymore? Go wild, up and beyond. That s what I would do, to answer your question.”
Regulus hummed at the back of his throat, accepting his answer.
Evan who now sitting cross-legged, nudged a bit at his side. “How about you, Reggie? What would you do if you at that place?”
Regulus tilted his head, facing his friend. He could see the concern from the blue eyes. Regulus have always loved Evan’s eyes. There was something particular with his eyes. So deep, and kind, and dangerous. Unlike his grey eyes. Sometimes when he looked at his eyes in the mirror—all he could see was deep hollowness, like seeing dead men eyes. Unseeing. And void of emotions.
“I would probably go my days like usual.”
Evan frowned, “like usual?”
Regulus nodded and explained, “yes. I will go through my days like how I usually do. No fancy confessions. No actions. No out of character tendencies. Nothing. Nada.”
“Why would you do that?”
“It just—if I knew I would go and not wake up anymore. I do not think I want anyone to notice. I just want to say goodbyes quietly and just.. go? I want to savour every moment I have left; all the routines, the circle I keep repeating every day.”
Regulus’ eyes met Evan’s as he said, “There is something meaningful about life if you knew it would be your last. Last sunrise. Last breakfast. Last conversations. Last walk through the halls. Last embrace. Last good night. Sometimes, we could only appreciate these little things when we know it will our last chance doing it.” Regulus voice cracked as he continued.
“Sometimes we take these little things for granted, Evan. Not even knowing that these little things are the one who make life.. life.”
Evan went quiet after listening to Regulus’ answer. A moment passed between them before he opened his mouth and whispered to Regulus, “I don’t think I ever tell you how much I appreciate you, Regulus.”
At that, Regulus’ grey eyes went wide, mouth hang open. “Huhh?”
Evan laughed a bit, sounding a tad watery. He continued running his thumb over Regulus’ hand and continued, “we have been friends for almost 5 years and I do not think I ever say thank you for being my friend, for staying right beside me. I know my first-year self was a bit difficult; selfish, annoying and stuck up prat and yet.. you stay.” He gave Regulus a small smile, sincere and grateful.
“Thank you.”
When Regulus said he never thought he was going to live past 20 ever, he did not think it held any accountable truth.
He was always sickly as a child. And it stayed through his childhood even until now. It was a fact. An undisputable fact.
He could never be like other people. Could never run miles after miles. Could never stay up late. Could never eat sweets like other children do. Even playing as a seeker in his House’s Quidditch team was a stretch for him.
It was a fact. Never bent.
And he understood that, accepted that; there would be weight on his bones, weariness onto his muscles and tiredness hanging in his chest. He chugged down Pepper-up Potions like his peers chugged down pumpkin juice.
Therefore, it was really not a surprise when the Healer told him that he’s dying, that his short life was coming to an end. Perhaps his heart had always known that it would never get any chance to beat as long as other people’s hearts. That it would succumb to rest for eternity.
It was his fate, though grim. It was written in the stars before he was even born.
That was why his face did not change at all when the Healer told him. The look of acceptance stayed on his face despite the Healer gradual paleness.
Healer Selwyn was a pureblood and worked for House Rosier. He by no means bounded to House Black in any way but Regulus would love to take any precaution that he could. Just in case. We could not be too sure after all.
“I do not wish to tell any soul about things we’d discussed in here. Perhaps you might have already known about this but do let me repeat it again; I am legally an adult since last month. That being so, I have no wish to break this issue to anybody, not the Rosiers and especially not the Blacks.” Regulus demanded, voice firm despite the low tone.
He repeated, “what happened in here will stay in here.” His eyes though looking straight into the Healer’s eyes.
Looking at the teenager’s eyes, Healer Selwyn gulped. Despite been told that he’s practically in his deathbed, the youngster’s eyes do not lose his fieriness. It just a cold, straight-cut acceptance.
Selwyn jerked his head a bit, giving an affirmation. “I will act accordingly, Mr Black. Make no mistake that I put my credibility as a Healer above everything. And that includes my patients’ confidentiality. The matters we discussed today will leave this room never. I’ll give you, my words.”
Regulus’ tense shoulders relax slightly at hearing that. He did not need for this thing to even catch the ladies’ ears. He did not need any drama when he had days to count. Drama would just hinder him.
“How much time I have left, Healer Selwyn?” Regulus asked, voice hollow like wind in a cave.
“To be really honest with you, Mr Black, I am not sure. It was like your body is shutting down, slowly and surely. At this point, it could be days to months.”
“That’s.. unfortunate.” Regulus replied aloofly.
Hearing the dour response, Selwyn quickly rosed up to his feet. “Please do not lose hope, Mr Black. There might cure out there—”
Regulus cut tersely, “WHAT’S THE POINT—” He stopped before continuing in calm manner, “What’s the point of hope when void is all that wait in the end of this tunnel, Healer Selwyn? It’s ridiculous. It is a meaningless work."
"But—"
"Let’s not have any idle chat, Healer Selwyn. God knows I don’t have much time in this course of life.”
Healer Selwyn looked like he was about to puke.. or burst into tears. He tried to give Regulus a reassuring smile but the smile he cracked just made Regulus flinched back a bit. After a few moments left passed between the two of them, Healer Selwyn said and his voice was very kind, “hope is not always bad, Mr Black. It gives us a walking stick to continue hanging on. It helps us to stay afloat when this mortal coil tries to pull us down. A helping line. A comforting weight.”
He then admonished Regulus, “a positive attitude might be what you need, Mr Black. It does wonders to critically-ill patients I have pleasure to meet. Sometimes—”
“Perhaps, Healer Selwyn. Perhaps.”
“Hi, Love.”
Regulus looked up from his essay, noticing a familiar voice calling him. The tone was soft with a touch of concern in the voice. He smiled after realising that it was Barty. His friend was wearing the usual pitch-black school robe, a bag was hanging from his shoulder while his other hand was waving at him. The boy’s hair was messy, probably from him keep running his hand through his hair. He did that a lot when he was stressed, especially when he was stressed.
“Hey,” Regulus said. “Did you just finish a class?”
“Just finished Charms,” Barty nodded. He pulled the chair in front of him and sitting down, making himself comfortable. His friend pulled out his books from his bag, setting a parchment and his quill on top of the table.
Regulus raised his eyebrow, “What is this? Did Professor Flitwick give you a 10-foot long essay?”
Barty gave Regulus a deadpan expression, making him flinched. “Wow, is it that bad?” Regulus grimaced.
Barty wet his lips before running his hand through his hair, “Well, what did you expect, Love? It’s OWL’s year after all. Our schedule gonna get packed.”
Hearing that, Regulus sighed. “Do you think we can survive this?” Regulus asked, voice trailing low. His fingers playing with his quill.
Barty smirked, “obviously, Love. You’re a top student—you can do it for sure. There’s nothing to worry alright, Love.”
“Well—I am not worrying,” stated him, looking at the side. “It just a thought.”
“Sure, sure.”
Regulus glared at his friend. “I am not worrying, Artie. It just—” Regulus sighed before continuing, “it kinda look impossible from where I stand. There are so many things to do, so many syllabuses to learn, and a lot of workloads to finish in its due time. How am I going to do all of that? How am I going to survive that?”
Barty frowned as he listened to Regulus’ worry, “Love, listen.” Barty called again, “Love.”
With a sigh, Regulus let his face rest at his right hand, palm on his forehead and elbow supporting the weight of his head, his shoulder and the weight of his soul. “What?” Regulus said shortly.
“I am not going to fault you: it does look impossible when you listed it like that. But Reggie, Love, you need to understand that you can not finish everything at the same singular period of time. Hell, you don’t even need to finish everything in a one period.”
Barty took his other hand and hold it with both his hands. Tension in Regulus’ shoulders seemed to ease as he felt the warmth of his friend’s hand. “You must remember, Love; one at a time. Focus on what’s in front of you, of the present. Of now.”
Barty squeezed his hand two times, “Future is always changing, Love. You don’t expect for it to go the way you think it will, will you? There’s nothing you can do about the future..or the past. Past is unchanging and the future though ever-changing.”
“Life is very pickle, Love. It’s vicissitudinous and will aways be vagarious.”
He said again, voice firm and soft. “Focus on the present alright, Love? One thing at a time.”
Regulus’ heart clenched in pain at hearing what his friend just said. He tried to give his friend a reassuring smile, “I will, Artie. I will.”
Well, it was indeed true that focus on the present is what best. But the thing was.. Regulus never worried about the future. His future was set in stone after all. He was just worried that he would not have enough time to spend with Evan or Artie if he gonna be busy with parchments and practical. He wanted to spend more time with Siri and Cissa. He wanted to meet Andy again. There was a lot of things that he wanted to do. But there just wasn’t enough time.
His life was slipping away from his grasp.
And there wasn’t anything that he could do about it.
Regulus and Barty left the library as the time for dinner getting nearer. They walked side by side, Barty with his bag and Regulus with his books securely in the hold of his arms.
“What do you reckon they are serving tonight huh, Love? I am desperately famished.” Barty said, grinning from ear to ear.
Regulus chuckled, “how am I supposed to know? ‘Bet there will be yorkshire pudding.”
Barty rolled his eyes and said, “they served that thing every single night, Love. It’s not a proper place to use the term ‘bet’.
Regulus scrunched his nose, “I use what I want to use, Crouch.” Barty decked his friend at the side and somehow Regulus managed to dodge the elbow.
Both of them laughed after that.
After a few moments, Regulus stopped in his track. Barty turned his body to the back after noticing that his friend was not by his side anymore. “Love?”
Regulus stepped forward a bit, putting him back by his friend’s side. “Do you mind getting dinner with Evan tonight? I don’t feel that hungry.” Regulus said as he gave his friend a smile.
Barty frowned. He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. He sighed, “Love, I thought we over this already. You mustn’t skip a meal. You need the energy.”
“I know, I know but I must finish my Runes essay tonight if I want to start my Potions’ essay tomorrow,” pleaded him. He went as far to tug at Barty’s sleeves to show his desperateness.
Barty sighed again after a moment. “Fine. You can go back to your common room. But! Don’t think for a second you can run away from eating, Love. Babe will be bringing food for you. And you will eat that. And finish all of it.”
Regulus rolled his, “aye aye, Artie.”
“Take care of yourself, Love. Please.” Barty said, his face pinched in worry.
Looking at his friend’s face, he could only feel the warmth in his heart. “Don’t worry much, Artie. I will eat all the food Evan bring yeah?”
Barty nodded though the frown still stayed on his face.
Regulus brought his head up and kissed his friend’s cheek. And at that, Barty unconsciously smiled again. Regulus then patted his friend’s back, “Go go have dinner. I thought someone was famished earlier?”
“Hey Babe.” Barty greeted from the back, hand stayed on Evan’s neck for a bit. His voice cheeky but Evan noticed something on his friend’s voice so he looked up from his pumpkin juice. And when their eyes met each other, he saw the spark of worry in the brown’s eyes. And something stilted in his heart.
Then he noticed the absence on Barty’s side. “Where’s Reggie?” Evan asked.
Barty sighed as he dropped his bag at the bench. He sat in front of his friend, a Ravenclaw among Slytherins. “He’s skipping dinner. Because he needs to catch up with his essays apparently.”
He frowned at that.
“I know I know. I tried to stop him but you know how weak I am— scratch that, we are weak against his puppy eyes.” Barty grunted, shoving the apple into his mouth.
And now it’s Evan’s turn to sigh. “Well, I will be bringing him food then, cannot let him sleep with an empty stomach. I’m afraid his health will be pummelled with all this workload and… not eating will not exactly help his case.”
“You noticed then?”
“Obviously I noticed!” Evan’s voice raised a bit. “I am not blind, Artie.”
Barty ran his hand through his hair and said, voice softer, “I know, Babe. I know.”
And then Barty continued and there’s fear in his voice, “I am just afraid, I supposed. I feel like he is slipping away from me, from us. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I have in my disposal can make him stay, make him healthy and happy.” And then his voice cracked, “I’m scared, Babe.”
And Barty looked back up into the blue orbs, eyes full of fear and voice nearing hysterical, “I don’t know what to do.”
Evan gripped his hand a little bit too hard, until there’s a nail-shape line on his forearm, looking like a frown. He was at lost after hearing what Barty said because honestly, he felt much as the same. And the only thing he could do was to keep his head clear, must be the strong one. He could not afford to fall into a pit of fear now, not when Regulus’ health at risk and not when Barty was starting to lose his grip from anxiousness.
Regulus might be the one who prone to sickness at the face of tiredness. But Barty was always the one who was a touch away from madness when the one he loved at risk. The crazy glint in his eyes when Regulus fell sick in their third years was a glaring sign after all. If he was not at Regulus’ side in the infirmary then he would be in the class or with Evan.
And the thing was, Evan understood it. He chose to accept that fact when he knew the brown-haired boy was going to be his friend, in front of him when they’re eating, beside him in the train and embracing him when everything felt too much for him.
People might not understand it, might even scorn at him but Evan appreciated it.
Hell, he might be a bit mental in the head but his heart was full of warmth at the thought that there was one person who would kill for him if the situation called for it.
Okay maybe not one person.
Regulus could be really scary if he wanted to.
Underneath all that facade, he was really vicious. People just seemed to glance through it all because he looked fragile. What a stupid thing to do.
But now Regulus seemed to fall into the same pattern as before. And Evan could still remember the heavy coldness that stayed at the bottom of his gut as he watched Regulus sleep in the infirmary, face pale and breathing heavy. And that feeling stayed until he saw Regulus on breakfast, finally getting out from his most hated place after almost a week. Regulus sat on the bench, a glass of pumpkin juice on his grip and he was smiling as he noticed Barty’s silhouette from afar, striding towards them.
And Evan watched from the side, looking at how a grin stretched on his friend’s face and the mirth dancing in his eyes. He stared at him, noticing the radiant that seeping from him, noticing how the light from the window seemed to make his friend looked diaphanous. And seeing his friend in joy would always bring a smile on his face.
But the thing was, looking diaphanous, looking ethereal did make his friend seemed a bit otherworldly.
And being otherworldly made him looked like he was too far to reach.
And Evan hated that.
What if one day, Regulus was not too far to reach but completely out of reach?
And Evan could never hold his hands again?
Something sunk in his gut.
Evan stood up, motioning Barty to follow him. He looked ahead, trusting his friend to follow right up behind him. He walked and walked until he found the usual empty and secluded hallway they used to meet at.
He turned his body towards his friend when he felt safe enough from the unwanted ears. His eyes though scanning his friend; noticing the flow of his friend’s breath getting quicker and there’s a smear of blood on Barty’s right palm.
Evan quickly rushed towards Barty, hands firmly cupping his friend’s cheek. “Artie,” called him, tone so low that only Barty could hear. “Artie Artie. Focus on me.” He tried to make his voice steady, not letting an ounce of panic getting out through his voice.
And at that, Barty’s brown eyes swiftly found his eyes. Good. That’s good. He’s getting through.
“You need to breath, Artie. Must breathe. Follow my pace okay.” Evan said as he took one of his hands from Barty’s cheek and efficiently grabbing the other boy’s hand and putting it on top of his chest. He then breath, loud and exaggerated. Inhale and exhale. One by one, setting a calmer pace for his friend.
“You are okay, Artie. I am okay and Regulus is still okay. He is down in the dungeon alright.”
Barty nodded his head, voice shaky as he let out a raspy, “yeah.”
Without noticing, Evan exhaled, sigh heavy and full of gladness. He then took the corner of sleeve and dabbed the cold sweats on his friend’s forehead, already trailing to his cheeks and neck. “We’re going to be fine, Artie.” He reassured.
Barty did not response and just lunged toward Evan, hands circling and engulfing the blonde’s shoulders, face rested at the crook of the other boy’s neck.
Evan staggered a bit as he tried to stabilise both him and his friend. He brought his arms upwards and placed it on his friend’s back before slowly patting him.
And they stayed like that for moments and it felt like ages yet Evan didn’t let go. Not when his leg cramped. Not when Barty tightening their hug. And not when Evan felt his collar getting wet.
But for one moment, just one moment, Evan let the doubt creeped into his heart.
What if Regulus really left them? Really gone from the world? Permanently?
Evan did not think he could maintain Barty’s madness and let it being caged up, kept on bay. He did not think he even wanted to. Let the world burn for all his care. He did not give a damn.
He did not think he had the energy to bother.
After all what’s the point of living in a world where there’s no Regulus?
The world did not matter anymore.
Living did not matter anymore.
It lost its meaning already.
There would be no tomorrow.
And Evan Rosier would revel on it, as the world crashed and turned into ashes.