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There’s an uninvited man in her home. He says his name is Gojō Satoru, and that he’s now here to take care of them.
How many times has she heard that line before (only twice, but she’s not stupid enough to believe it a third time)? Tsumiki holds onto Megumi’s small hand and pulls him closer to her body, attempting to shield him from the stranger. “We have to be careful, Megumi…” She sneaks a peek at the tall man with hair that looks as soft as winter’s finest snow. He has black sunglasses on his eyes — she’s seen this in the few old films they have within their home. Her face pales in realization. Oh my god. “He’s a conman!”
She wants to carry her brother and run away, but Megumi is growing too fast and she can’t carry his body in her arms anymore. Instead, she wonders how to defend her castle while she waits for her mother to come home. Tōji-san, where are you? They’ve been missing for months!
She tries to recall when she has last seen her mother. Five, maybe six months? She left a lot of money and her fancy clothes she loves to wear behind. Where did she go without her red dress she adores more than anything in the world? Tōji… it’s been a few years since she last saw him. He never got to see how big Megumi has gotten — he’s able to get dressed and eat on his own now.
Whenever she attempts to call Tōji, the call never goes through. It rings and rings to no avail. The number you called is currently unavailable. Please try again later. He always disappears for months, coming and going like the winter’s snowstorm. But they need him, Megumi needs him right now.
What do I do?!
It’s a real castle. Nothing similar to the ones she had imagined in her head or the ones she has seen in films, but this is just as spacious as one. If she were to stack her home up like building blocks, Satoru’s apartment would be three times bigger.
She treads slowly through the hall in complete awe. Her mouth opens slightly as she enters a new world. Her hand squeezes Megumi’s, trying to get his attention, but it doesn’t work. He isn’t smiling, but his eyes grow wide as he glances around. This apartment is too big to live alone in. There’s enough room for four people; maybe five and six too.
Every corner of the house sparkles, there are no dull corners. Tsumiki hasn’t seen a single spider web — she thought those were everywhere? Are they scared of this man’s house?
“Okay, kiddos. Follow me, your rooms are this way.” Gojō’s voice is cheery and light as he points his fingers down the hallway. Leading them down the path, he shows them to two doors.
“Um—” She pauses, do I call him ‘sensei’ too? He only said he was going to be Megumi’s teacher in the future, not hers. Still, she decides to add ‘sensei’ to his name because that’s what he said to call him. “Um, Gojō-sensei, do we have separate rooms?” She hesitantly asks while her head peers into both rooms to look around.
She can barely see much due to where she stands in the hallway. Even standing on her tippy toes doesn't help her case.
“Uh, yeah?”
“Oh, okay then.” The two of them let go of their intertwined hands and make their way into their new bedrooms. She gasps as she enters, it’s bigger than two rooms combined at their house! Gojō seems to be rich, Tsumiki can tell from all the furniture in his house. He has three big couches, four chairs at the dining table and little decorations scattered everywhere. There’s only one of him, why does he need so many things in his home? Oh, technically, there are three people in his house now. She and Megumi will be staying here from now on (Tsumiki can’t help the little voice in her head that wonders, but for how long until he leaves?). She shakes her head at the unwanted concern.
Don’t be silly, she tells herself.
Now three out of four chairs are filled in his house. What about the fourth one? Will it always stay empty?
Tsumiki worries about her brother’s future teacher, he may unexpectedly find himself poor if he’s not careful with his spendings.
“Megumi, are you awake?” She whispers, as she invites herself into his room. She’s unable to sleep, so she decides that she should see if her little brother is sleeping. Her head peaks into his room as she glances around — unsure of what she’s actually looking around for. Tiptoeing her way inside, afraid to alert Gojō of her awakened presence (she has to keep quiet during the nights, you aren’t supposed to wake adults up).
“Yes… Why are you awake?” Megumi’s voice is groggy as he lifts his head from his pillow, rubbing his eyes at the unexpected appearance of his sister. He makes space on the bed (there’s already tons of empty space — he moves over because he prefers sleeping near the edge). Tsumiki slips under the covers and tries to make herself comfortable.
Tsumiki can’t sleep in this new place, it’s unfamiliar and the walls are so far away. She can’t get used to the citrus fragrance in the air. It smells nice, but it doesn’t smell like anything she’s used to. “Do you think he actually knows Tōji-san? I don’t know, isn’t he kind of weird?”
“Well, I don't think they’re actually friends. You said my dad doesn’t have any friends.” That is true, she heard it from her mother, after all. Her mother doesn’t like to talk about Tōji-san anymore, but Tsumiki knows that she truly loves him. She always wears the red dress and pearl necklace he liked on her — even after everything, she treats that dress as if it’s made of porcelain and will break with a harsh touch. So why did she leave it all behind? Mama, where did you go?
She giggles, then quickly covers her mouth in attempts to keep quiet. She can’t wake the sleeping adult in the house. “Mhm! That’s why… that’s why I think this Gojō-sensei is a liar."
“He does have an untrustworthy look to him. It’s the face of a conman.” Her giggles get louder when she remembers her bold statement from the afternoon. She’s so glad that Megumi understands where she’s coming from. She knows a liar when she sees one! How will she protect them from him? How will she expose his lies? Her nostrils flare as she tries to think of her next plan of action.
(Megumi smiles at the sound of his sister laughing at his attempted joke — she’ll never know how much it worries him when she gets into a headspace he can’t reach.)
Megumi doesn’t know much about his father, but it’s alright, because Tsumiki remembers all the things her mother told her about him. She remembers the short little moments she had with him. She remembers all about the man her mother loves the most — she won’t forget his bored expression and the scar that runs across his lips. She tells them all to Megumi this warm night — the tale of a man who left his blessings behind to her.
“Don’t worry, Megumi. My mom and Tōji-san will come and pick us up soon.” She says, trying to soothe her brother of any worries and doubts he may have (and her own, deep within, not like she would ever admit it).
Megumi looks as if he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead, he pulls the blanket up more to cover her shoulders. “Okay. Goodnight, nee-chan.”
They sleep soundly within the warm comforters of Gojō’s home.
Gojō takes her and Megumi out to eat dinner and tells them it’s at a restaurant in town. Tsumiki’s excited and puts on one of her favourite dresses. A white sailor dress she received from her mother’s friend — was the man her friend? She thinks that was what he said to her. It was over a year ago, so it’s hard for her to remember the small details. The dress doesn’t fit as well as she remembers, but it still fits. She makes sure Megumi is dressed up in his best clothes too. They should always look presentable when they go out, that’s what she learned from always watching her mother — watching as she leaves wearing her finest clothes and shiny jewelry. Her mother has never left the house for work wearing anything besides her beautiful dresses.
“Here we are, it’s the best restaurant in town.” Gojō says as he pushes them through the door. It’s KFC — she has eaten it many times before, her mom would usually buy it on her way back from work for them.
Megumi and her share a look as they sit down at a table in the corner. They wait patiently as Gojō orders their food and the smell of oily chicken fills her nose. This is the best restaurant in town…? In her head, she’s always imagined the best restaurant to be huge — gold decorations hanging from the ceilings with high class people everywhere eating their freshly made food. Not a random small fast-food restaurant in the middle of Shinjuku.
However, the second the food is placed on the table, her stomach rumbles loudly — her face flushes in embarrassment. “Finally, I’m starving. My stomach can’t wait any longer.” Megumi’s voice breaks through as he reaches towards the greasy fries and dumps them onto his paper plate. Tsumiki wants to wrap him into her arms and press loving kisses on the crown of his head. He always saves her.
“Eat lots. If you don’t, I’ll just eat it all.” Gojō says, shoving a piece of fried chicken into his mouth.
“Oh, is KFC your favourite? You like it so much that you can eat all of it alone?”
He pauses, slowly chewing before he swallows the food in his mouth. “Yes, it’s the best.” He says dryly. A lack of emotion behind his words.
Tsumiki isn’t sure if it’s the best, because she heard that eating too much greasy food is bad for your health. But it does taste really good, especially with how warm it tastes in her mouth — it makes her miss eating it with Megumi in their small home, even if the fried chicken and fries are cold by the time her mother gets home.
She frowns, unsure of how she should be feeling. Gojō is like a child. He doesn’t know where things are in the grocery store. He doesn’t know how to cook, clean, and he never leaves his room in the mornings. Not only that, he sleeps in too late! His driving skills scare her, and he only likes to eat sweets. His mouth is always full of sugary strawberries. Gojō is like a child, just like her little brother Megumi. Luckily, Tsumiki’s the older sister; she can take care of Gojō too.
“Don’t worry, you’re in good hands.” Tsumiki sighs as she remembers Gojō’s words — he isn’t as reliable as he makes himself out to be. It’s been a few weeks since they’ve been living with him and he’s a complete mystery. She wonders just how he survived before she got here? He knows nothing. Gojō Satoru makes her worry too much and it’s all she can think about.
Megumi doesn’t speak much when Gojō is around them. She thinks that he’s being shy. Or maybe he doesn’t like when Gojō teases him for random little things (this never fails to make her laugh, unless the teasing is directed towards her). But she can see how her brother slowly becomes more relaxed after each night of sleeping here. He tells her he loves the mattress here because it’s soft, unlike the one they shared filled with broken springs. Tsumiki instantly agrees with him. The bed feels heavenly, it’s like sleeping on a cloud.
She loves sleeping in Gojō’s house.
Gojō praises her — he tells her that her cooking tastes amazing, and Tsumiki’s hung over the moon. Her head is in the cotton clouds as she dances amongst the stars. Megumi is the only one who has eaten her food before (she spends long hours in the kitchen learning how to cook from books for her busy mother, and her food turns ice-cold as it waits to be eaten). She feels giddy with happiness at the compliment. Her tooth throbs too. She’s so glad that he loves the hamburger steak she made with Megumi.
What should I make for us tomorrow? Maybe fried rice with the leftover rice? Does he like fried rice? Well, everyone likes rice.
Gojō leaves for work and says that he’ll be back in the morning. Why do jobs last for such a long time? Jobs are such a complicated thing — every adult she has met is always leaving for their job.
Gojō doesn’t come back the next morning like he promised. Or the following days after that. She’s left looking like a fool.
Tsumiki is upset. Not really at anyone or anything specific — she’s upset at herself. Disappointed that she believed in the words of a conman. She told herself she knew better than that, yet a part of her warmed up to his presence. She liked the way Megumi was comfortable in his big house, and he was able to eat warm meals.
Tears prick her eyes and she rubs her eyes harshly against her sleeve. Trying to find her way into the bathroom. It feels like it takes a long time to reach because the hallway is long. But once she’s inside, she locks the door and makes sure the toilet seat is closed before sitting on top of it. Her feet are propped on top of it and her knees are tucked in tightly around her arms.
Her tears fall silently and she catches with the tiny palms of her hands. You’re a fool, Tsumiki. Falling for another sweet lie. How foolish, her brain says to her. She’s the only one in the world who loves Megumi. She has to be strong for him. But it’s hard to be strong when this small body of hers can’t do anything to provide for them.
There’s a knock on the door, it’s Megumi. She sniffles and wipes the remaining tears and snot away with her sleeve. Opening the door, she’s met with Megumi’s concerned expression. “Yes, Megumi?” She tries to keep her voice steady (and ultimately fails to hide the way it shakes). She has to be strong for him. She’s his older sister, after all.
“Let’s go make dinner together.” Megumi grabs her hand and leads her towards the kitchen. He doesn’t ask many questions, he never does. He only looks back from time to time and squeezes her hand with his.
She smiles, “okay… we’ll make it really tasty. Gojō will wish he had the chance to eat it!” Her little brother is so kind.
Tsumiki stares at the unknown woman in the kitchen — brown hair kept in a bun, dark circles underneath her eyes and a noticeable beauty mark near her eye. One of Gojō’s snacks (his snacks that he specifically told them not to touch) in her hands as she munches on them.
“Oh, hello…? ‘Gumi—um, nee-san, who are you?” Confusion filling her already tired mind, her eyes flicker from the woman in the kitchen to her brother that sits at the table — he eats the leftover fried rice calmly. Because he’s not reacting, Tsumiki’s unsure of how to process this — she never expected to see a stranger this early in the morning. Though, she feels like she should be used to seeing strangers randomly visiting by now.
“Oh, I’m his friend, Shōko.” She introduces herself as she walks over to take a seat at the table — she sits in Gojō’s seat. “Gojō’s busy with work, so—”
“She’s going to be watching us.” Megumi interrupts.
“Yup, I’m on babysitting duty.”
Tsumiki takes a seat in her usual spot beside Megumi, grabbing a tangerine from the fruit bowl. She takes note of the empty chair, nobody ever sits there. If Gojō were home, would Shōko-nee be sitting there? “Oh, okay. Shōko-nee, are you his girlfriend?” She can’t help her running curiosity.
Shōko laughs loudly and scrunches up her face at the question. “Oh, gross. Definitely not.”
“What? No way! I thought he would have a pretty girlfriend.” Tsumiki thinks Shōko is pretty. Even though her hair is slightly messy and she has noticeable eyebags, Tsumiki still finds her pretty. She’s beautiful in all the ways her mother would say is wrong — if she were to meet Shōko, maybe she would change her mind.
Shōko laughs, a little uncomfortable and flattered, “you’re pretty too. Your butterfly hair ties are super cute.”
“Hehe, thank you!”
She watches as Shōko eats all of Gojō’s favourite gummies as she uses her computer — the clicking from the keyboard echoes in the silent room. Gojō would probably complain if he were home, she thinks, but he’s not home. The realization that she didn’t treat her guest makes her jump from her seat. Tsumiki can’t believe she forgot something so important, her mother always told her it’s important to treat your guests well. She scurries into the kitchen and grabs one of them extra canned coffees that she got for Gojō. Carefully stepping onto a small stool, she grabs a glass cup from the cupboard and pours the coffee into it.
“Shōko-nee,” Tsumiki calls out to her as she slowly walks towards the table, making sure to not spill any of the liquid onto the white carpet. “Here is some coffee while you do your work.”
“Haha, I’m actually studying for my doctor license.” She does not know what a doctor’s license is, but she assumes it’s a test for doctors. Shōko-nee is so grown-up and mature, Tsumiki thinks as she admires the way Shōko types against the keyboard while taking a sip of coffee she poured for her. “Thanks, I really needed caffeine in my system.”
“You’re welcome. All adults need coffee sometimes, Gojō drinks it too.” Well, technically she’s only seen Gojō drink it once, but still, he seemed to be more energized after drinking it.
“… He does?” Shōko sounds a little shocked hearing that and she chuckles when Tsumiki nods in confirmation. “Really? He used to complain all the time because it was too bitter for him.” Coffee does smell bitter, it must taste how it smells.
“Hmm, do you think he likes it because he’s grown up now?” Tsumiki asks, she used to hate tomatoes when she was younger, but now she loves them. Gojō may be similar to her, if he disliked coffee before, but likes it now.
“That may be the case.”
They both share a laugh at how Gojō is all grown up now, and Tsumiki pushes her chair over to sit beside Shōko, watching her type on her keyboard. She just watches as she eats a tangerine in a comfortable silence.
Gojō comes home one morning. He comes back as if he never left — Tsumiki is instantly reminded of the way Tōji always walked in and out of their house door; coming and going like the seasons.
Tsumiki finds her cheeks flushing as shameful feelings swim in her belly. It’s only been four days, and she already jumped to the conclusion he wouldn’t come back. She assumed he, too, abandoned them. She’s upset that she was quick to judge (also, she is slightly upset because Gojō lied to them. He said he would come back the next morning, but he didn’t).
But why was he gone for so long? He said he had work — his work schedule must be similar to Tōji who always seems to disappear for months at a time and her mother who stays out for the night. Jobs are a troubling thing. What will her job be in the future? For now, she wants to be a pilot. She wants to visit many new places. Travel the world to eat delicious food and see pretty things. Tsumiki wants to fly faraway; somewhere beyond the moon and stars.
For the corner of her eyes, she can see how her brother is focused on watching Digimon Adventure. Usually, she would be drawn to the t.v too, but something about Gojō is drawing her attention instead. He looks different from before. She feels like she can’t really see him, even though he’s right in front of her spitting out a tangerine slice into a napkin, saying something along the lines of, yuck, it’s gross!
“Is it that sour, Gojō?” She questions, her hand grabs half of the tangerine on the plate and peels off a small slice.
He hums, scooping big spoons of strawberry yogurt into his mouth — some yogurt remains on the side of it. The way he eats is like a kid. “Mhm, be careful. It doesn’t taste good.”
Tsumiki blinks once. Then twice. Preparing herself before she tries the tangerine. She’s never been a big fan of anything sour. She throws it into her mouth and instantly closes her eyes, ready for the sourness to splash everywhere… Except it never does. She chews slowly and swallows. Gojō said it was sour, but the piece she had was sweet. It’s from the same tangerine as the one he tried. How weird. She takes another piece and experiments again. She gets the same result again and again. The tangerine is sweet. It’s really sweet.
“You like sour tangerines, Tsumiki?”
“Uh huh…?” She’s confused. Why did he say it’s sour and spit it out?
Her conclusion is that Gojō must have weird taste buds. Or, this is one of his odd jokes. If it’s a joke, she doesn’t understand it, and she thinks it’s unfunny. Maybe only adults can understand it.
She continues eating the rest of the tangerines so they don’t go to waste. Her thoughts filled with how strange Gojō can be sometimes — she’s never met an adult like Gojō before.
“Hey, you’re not supposed to waste food like that.” Megumi scolds, disappointed in Gojō’s lack of table manners.
“Sorry, sorry. But that’s cool, I only eat sweet ones.” He simply states as he eats the strawberry yogurt, and when they make eye contact, he flashes her his signature smile.
Gojō is always smiling when he looks at them; he doesn’t know his smile doesn’t look real. It looks similar to the one a man wore on his face when he wanted her to like him. She foolishly believed in the crooked smile of his and he left her mom and her behind without a second thought. He never looked back, while she watched the way his figure grew smaller with every step he took away from them. Gojō can leave at any time too, she caught him disappearing one day. He vanished into thin air, she swears!
Gojō’s smile doesn’t reach those bright blue eyes of his — she barely sees them because he always covers his eyes with a blindfold. But when she does, she thinks his eyes are the most beautiful jewels she’s ever laid eyes upon (she has never seen a jewel in real life, but she knows they would look exactly like Gojō’s eyes). But his eyes always look so empty; he looks far off into a place she can’t see.
Why does he look so sad?
If she were to polish those blue jewels of his, would he shine better? Tsumiki is good at polishing. There was a man her mother was seeing before Tōji, he taught her how to polish steel-toed shoes. She doesn’t remember the way he sounded or looked, but she remembers his toothy grin and the way his heavy hand patted her head after she did one shoe. Tsumiki doesn’t remember him all that much, but she remembers the way his shoes shone brightly as he walked away.
(“I wish Suguru were here.” — “He’s my friend.”) A vague memory of a conversation between him and Megumi from before plays in her mind. She doesn’t know why she remembers the simple conversation — perhaps it’s the way Gojō said his friend’s name. It’s a tone he never uses with them or Shōko. He said Suguru is his friend. Maybe if she calls him, he can make Gojō feel better. But she doesn’t have his number, so she can’t call him to come visit Gojō. Maybe when Shōko visits again, he will feel a bit better.
Megumi stares at the ceiling in silence, and Tsumiki just watches him watch the ceiling. She wonders why he stares at it for so long. They should be sleeping, but she can’t sleep if Megumi doesn’t sleep first. What type of sister falls asleep first?
“I have to visit his school soon.” He breaks the silence and the statement causes her to sit up. There’s no wondering who he is, it’s Gojō. It’s always Gojō. He seems to be the main topic of their conversations these days.
“Megumi, you’re switching schools?”
He shakes his head before he explains the situation to her. “I’m only visiting for the day… it will be quick.”
Tsumiki has so many questions, but the question that sits on her tongue is, “Are you keeping secrets from me?” Of course, she doesn’t ask. Megumi has a good reason for everything — if he were keeping secrets, it would be for a good reason.
She’s worried over nothing, her and Megumi are still close no matter what.
She decides to change the topic to another question that sits on her tongue, “do you think he is home?”
“I don’t know.” Megumi says, “Sometimes I think he leaves at night.” Really?! Tsumiki hasn’t noticed that at all. She sleeps so soundly on the comfy bed with an old white bunny plushie she received as a present so long ago. She always keeps it tucked close to her heart.
When they stare into each other’s eyes, it’s silent, but the question is clear: Do you think he won’t come back?
She and Megumi can sometimes think and speak the same thing at the same time. That’s how she knows they’re closer than most because what they have is telepathy. It’s like magic, only between close siblings.
“Hmm… follow me. We have to be sneaky, though.”
“You’re the one who makes the most noise.”
“Shh, ‘gumi!”
She shushes him, worried that their cover will get blown. They slowly tiptoe their way to Gojō’s room at the very end of the hall.
She doesn’t know if he is in his room. It’s too dark and she can barely see through the door gap. It’s too silent; no loud snoring, whimpering, or the sound of crinkling blankets. Absolutely nothing.
Megumi shakes his head and pulls her back to his room. He tells her that he felt Gojō’s presence — whatever that means. She doesn’t get it, but that means he’s home with them and that’s all that matters.
Okinawa is so beautiful, it looks like a summer’s paradise.
When she says this to Megumi, he only stares up at her and shakes his head, “This is just the beach.” And she sighs at how he doesn’t see what she sees. It’s because Megumi is still a kid, she tells herself, careful to not voice her thoughts aloud. Because Megumi doesn’t like being told that — she doesn’t want him to sulk during their trip at paradise. She feels her heart stop when she hears her thoughts being read.
Her face pales as she slowly turns back to look at Gojō. He stands tall with a smug grin on his face, “Ain’t that so, Tsumiki?” She shakes her head side to side as fast as she can. No!
“No, that’s not true at all, Gojō!”
Megumi’s lower lip pushes slightly forward. “At least I’m not old and growing gray hair. You look like an old man.”
“Hey! I told you this is my natural hair.”
The two of them always bicker — it’s always because Gojō likes to tease about anything and everything.
Tsumiki traces the blue flowers that are printed onto her swimsuit. Her fingertips trace every flower she sees on her tummy. It’s pretty, and she has a matching headband that goes with it. Her headband doesn’t stay on properly, so she moves it around trying to get it centered. “C’mere, I’ll fix it.” Gojō waves over to her and she walks over to him with her headband in her hand.
Gojō takes it from her and she stares at how close he is to her. He’s bending down as he puts on her headband, he is like ten of me and Megumi combined. “Gojō, why aren’t you wearing a swimsuit?” He’s wearing a dark sweater with flowers printed on them, long pants and his blindfold insead of his sunglasses (sunglasses are usually worn on the beach, which makes her curious as to why he’s wearing his blindfold instead) which makes her frown slightly in worry. “You will overheat.”
“I have sensitive skin. There you go, you’re all pretty now.” He says, patting her lightly on the head, careful not to ruin her hair and headband. “You’re literally the cutest girl in the world, Tsumiki-chan.”
Pretty and the cutest girl in the world. She giggles, finding it hard to believe. She’s not as pretty as he is. Nor is she as pretty as her mom. Her mother is the prettiest woman she knows, Gojō wouldn’t know, because he hasn’t met her. But nevertheless, Gojō’s compliment makes her feel warm and shy inside. As if blue butterflies land on the blue flowers on her swimsuit, she has butterflies in her stomach. Maybe, just maybe, she is as cute and pretty as Gojō says she is.
Today, she decided that blue flowers are now her favourite — although, she doesn’t know which type of flowers these are. She loves it because it matches with the pattern on Megumi and Gojō’s clothes too.
“Gojō… you’re going to stink so bad in those clothes. It’s hot out today.” Megumi says, still being petty from the way Gojō called him a kid earlier.
Tsumiki smiles, deciding to take her brother’s side once again. She pretends to scold him, under the guise of teasing Gojō. “Megumi! We can’t make fun of him, it’s not his fault for not knowing how to swim.”
This statement lands the two of them thrown into the water, soaked from head to toe.
She builds her fantasy home from sand with Megumi and some random friends she met on the beach — a castle with a huge moat to keep out her enemies, she places broken sticks at the front; her soldiers that will help her protect her family and home.
“Gojō!” She calls to him, waving her hands in the air. She wants him to see the sandcastle she built with Megumi. Megumi probably doesn’t care if Gojō sees it or not, but she does. They worked so hard on it, it’s only natural to show it off. Megumi ran back and forth with the water bucket, he ran as fast as his little legs could take him (he didn’t want to build a sandcastle. He doesn’t like things like this, so she told him that she’ll give him her ice cream later if he helps out and he instantly agreed. Hook, line and sinker!). Tsumiki’s job is designing and overseeing their castle.
Gojō’s head perks up at the sound of his name, and he sends her a smile. Tsumiki smiles back; a gummy smile while she waves over to him more. She wants him to come over to where they are, but he doesn’t move.
His blindfold is off, it sits on top of his head like a headband. This allows their eyes to meet, but Gojō looks past her — his crystal blue eyes shining against the orange blazing sun. He stares off at the sun like it’s calling out to him too. Gōjo looks at the sun with the same look in his eyes that Tsumiki has seen in her mom’s. Her swollen eyes stare at her gorgeous dress made up of rubies with a sad look in her eyes. She always looks so sad and lonely when she thinks of the man she loved the most in the world. She only gazes at her dress, unable to see anything else in front of her. Gojō gazes at the setting sun with the same longing and sadness to him.
Why do you share the same look as my poor mother? Why do you look so lonely today, Gojō?
Tsumiki wonders what causes him to look like that. Do his jewel-like eyes glisten like when light hits the sea? Does he cry when no one can see? Because Tsumiki is a good older sister, she worries about Gojō. She thinks her arms aren't big enough to hold him. She prays he won’t slip through her arms and leave them behind like the rest of them. She’d be the world’s biggest fool — the pierrot who dances alone.
The waves are harsh as the summer heat cools down. The tide starts to pull in and the sandcastle collapses.
“Megumi… do you think Gojō is okay?” Tsumiki asks worriedly as she lays flat on the futons in their room. She lays there, exhausted from playing out in the burning sun all day. She feels as if the sun sucked out all the energy from her. Gojō booked them a room they could share together, while he booked a separate room for himself. Does he not get lonely sleeping alone?
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” she mumbles, unsure of exactly why she thinks Gojō isn’t okay. He just seems off sometimes in a way she can’t understand, but she sees it. And it worries her so much. She’s not sure if she can help him if she doesn’t know what’s wrong.
Megumi shrugs, seemingly indifferent to her concerns, “sometimes I do think something is wrong with him. He sort of reminds me of your mom at times.” Tsumiki understands what he means. Gojō and her mother share the same colour of blue on their skin. At least, Gojō is still here… or so, she hopes he is. Megumi taps her on the leg as he tilts her head towards the door, “do you want to go see if he’s here?”
She quickly nods her head and the two of them get up. Sneaking their way next door to Gojō’s room. They have to be quiet in case he or the other guests staying in the inn wake up because of them. They have experience in this, she knows nobody will notice their presence.
Apparently, their sneakiness isn’t as sneaky as she thought. Gojō notices them lurking outside his room door and invites them inside (after all those nights, he finally notices their lurking presence). Gojō’s room looks the same as theirs; all the rooms in the inn must be similar.
“You guys can’t sleep alone? Do you need Gojō-sensei to sing you a lullaby?” Gojō teases as he lies on his futon with his arm propped up and his head resting on top of his hand. Megumi’s annoyed groan echoes in the room.
He treats us like we’re little kids, Tsumiki thinks as she shakes her head. She doesn’t want to hear Gojō sing them to sleep — she’ll die from embarrassment. “We were just seeing if you were still here.” She tells him as they both take a seat beside his futon.
Gojō hums and lifts his blanket, “Well, here I am. Why don’t you two come sleep beside me, since you’re already here? Hm?” There’s an open spot on his futon, enough room for both her and Megumi. He wants us to lay there…? She has never slept beside an adult before — well, an adult that isn’t her mother, but she doesn’t remember the last time she’s felt her mom’s warm embrace. When Gojō keeps patting the empty spot, she hesitantly lays down at the edge of the futon, and Megumi frowns when he realizes he’s stuck in the middle. He hates the middle. Gojō is laying on the other side of Megumi and she finds it hard not to smile; we look like a family.
“So, you were just checking to see if I’m here? Do you think I would leave? I’m not like your old man, y’know.” Gojō laughs when he says that, but Tsumiki doesn’t find the joke that funny. She’s sure Tōji has a good reason for being away for so long. Either way, Gojō isn’t that funny to her — she thinks maybe he has an adult’s humour. She’ll have to grow up a bit more to understand why he laughs at his own jokes.
Megumi points out that he didn’t come home before and she agrees with him — he left them home alone for four days before. Sometimes he takes a day to get home, but Shōko hangs out with them while he’s gone.
“I won’t abandon you if that’s what you’re worried about. I said I would take care of you two, so obviously I’ll come back home.”
He did come home before, and he’s usually always home now. But what if he leaves for good one day? What if he abandons them? No, I should trust Gojō… he said he won’t abandon us, Tsumiki thinks to herself, trying to clear up her doubts. But how many times has she been told that before?
She’ll have to ask him to make a promise with them. A promise to ease her worries. She reaches over Megumi and gently taps Gojō’s arm, “Promise you won’t leave. If you leave us, you have to swallow a thousand needles and hope to die.” She looks at him, big eyes full of anxiety and hopefulness — anticipating his promise to always stay with them.
Gojō stays silent for a few seconds and it makes her feel tense. Does he not believe in promises? Or is this promise not worth making?
“I promise I won’t leave Tsumiki and Megumi. If I break this promise, I’ll swallow a thousand needles and wish to die.” He promises. And she feels ecstatic — her heart feels like it’ll beat out of her chest when the three of them lock pinkies together. A promise to never leave each other behind.
She’s so happy. So, so happy.
Except, her happiness can only last for so long. It pauses when Gojō says he’s going to make them pancakes once they go back home. Gojō has never been in the kitchen before! Her mind races with all the possibilities of something going wrong if he steps into the kitchen. No, no. I have to trust him… he’s an adult so he’ll be fine. She can trust him, right?
Gojō always makes her so worried, however she can’t wait to eat the pancakes he promises to make. She’s never had pancakes before, only frozen waffles. She’s curious about the taste.
She drifts off to sleep, imagining fluffy pancakes coated in maple syrup and her favourite fruits sitting at the very top.
Tsumiki wakes up in the middle of the night. Well, she thinks it’s late at night from the darkness of the sky. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore fills her ears. The feeling of something heavy catches her attention and she glances down. An arm is draped over both her and Megumi — Gojō hugged them to sleep, and she feels her heart fill with warmth (and with slight envy, she wishes her arms were big enough to hold the two of them as well). Carefully, she wiggles her way out of Gojō’s arm and takes his big hand with both of her small ones.
She holds his hand and fiddles with his fingertips. His hand is calloused and full of small scars. These must be from his work. She wonders if he’s able to hold both her and Megumi’s hand with one hand. If he can’t, that’s okay, because he has another hand as well. Two hands to hold each of them. Tsumiki brings his hand closer to her, finding comfort within the warmth of them.
Sometimes when Gojō touches them, his touch doesn’t feel like anything. It doesn’t feel like a human’s touch, she’s always left wondering if he really did touch them — like there’s a thin bubble that separates him from the rest of the world. But tonight, his hand feels warm, so warm within hers. She holds his hand close to her heart; she’s reminded of her bunny plushie back at home.
(Gojō makes them pancakes like he promised, and Tsumiki can’t stop the way she glances at the kitchen every ten seconds. He has never cooked before, she worries he’ll burn down the place. However, the pancakes turned out better than she thought. The taste isn’t terrible, it’s only a little dry, but when she tops it with blueberries and syrup, she thinks it tastes amazing. They taste better than the frozen waffles she always ate.)
Gojō is out of the house today, he says he has a meeting to attend. Who goes to a meeting wearing a Digimon shirt hidden underneath a sweater? Tsumiki swears she saw Gojō wearing it to sleep. She will have to help him pick out new clothes to wear. Luckily, he wore black dress pants that matched his sweater.
It’s been a while since they’ve been staying with Gojō, and she worries that one day her mom or Tōji may come home to an empty house and she won’t be there to greet them. What if they are home and are worried about where they went? Tsumiki’s facial expression turns grim. She doesn’t want them to worry. Her eyes settle on the house phone that sits on a small table near the kitchen — she has to let them know that she and Megumi are okay and that they are eating lots of yummy food.
She dials Tōji’s number. She remembers it off by heart from how many times she has dialled it before. It rings and rings and she’s hopeful he’ll pick up this time. And she hears a click, her hopeful heart shatters.
The number you have dialled does not exist, please check the number or dial directory services.
She tries again, only to hear the same robotic response. She tries again and again.
The number you have dialled does not exist, please check the number or dial directory services. The number you have dialled does not exist, please check the number or dial directory services—
Again.
The beeping mocks her misery.
Tōji-san, where did you go?! Megumi is here waiting for you. Her heart hurts so bad. So, so bad. She feels as if it’s about to rip from her chest. Tōji told her to take care of Megumi for him until he gets back. They made a promise. When is he coming back? Will he ever come back? Why isn’t he coming home to them?
She never broke the promise, so where did Tōji go?
She never really talked to Tōji before — only little conversations here and there while he waited for her mother to get dressed. Megumi and Tōji never got the chance to talk. He doesn’t even know how smart Megumi is and how well he speaks. He doesn’t know that Megumi looks like a mini version of him and that they sometimes speak the same way. Tōji was always so quiet and cold to her mom at times, but she knows he’s a nice man. Her mom never gave her a surname (her mom says they aren’t needed, but every family has a surname, Tsumiki always wanted one), but one night Tōji said that Tsumiki can have his, since she cares about it too much. No other man has let her have their last name before. She has heard men whisper to her mother they would give them their last name, but it was always a lie. But Tōji didn’t lie, at least not to her.
An exchanged promise they kept from her mother: he’ll give her his last name if she takes good care of Megumi for him. She was so happy that night, she promised to always be with Megumi. She didn’t know that night would be the last time she ever sees Fushiguro Tōji.
Tōji-san, where are you…?
Tsumiki doesn’t realize she’s crying; unable to hold back her loud wails. Her breath chokes up in her throat and she coughs. Her hands aren’t big enough to catch all of her tears — they drip down her face, leaving stains on her light blue shirt and sweatpants — her new favourite outfit that Gojō gifted to her one day after he came home from work.
“Nee-chan?! What’s wrong?” Megumi asks as he rushes over to her. He’s quick to hold her as he tries to soothe her broken sobs.
“Mama.” She cries for her mother’s embrace between her choked breaths. Deep within the breaking hopefulness, she knows she’ll never see her mom or Tōji again.
Sometimes she feels like Megumi is the older one. Like he’s her older brother from how calm and comforting he always is. Tsumiki sobs and sobs into her little brother’s chest. Why does it look so big today? As if everything will be alright, her sobs eventually turn into sniffles. Snot hangs from her bright red nose. Her eyes are big and puffy, as if the summer mosquitoes bit her and made her eyes swell up.
She calls Megumi’s name, stuttering many times, but he hears it clearly. “Tōji-san… I — Tōji-san probably won’t ever come home. What do we do, ‘gumi?”
“It’s okay.” Megumi doesn’t look sad or disappointed. He doesn’t have emotion in his face and Tsumiki doesn’t understand why.
Is it okay? She shakes her head in disagreement. This situation is the farthest thing from okay. Megumi doesn’t get it because he is still young.
“It doesn’t matter if he comes home or not…” His voice trails off and she can see the way he hesitates. She thinks he may be hiding something from her these days, but it’s okay. She trusts Megumi. “I don’t care if he’s here or not. We still have each other.”
She hugs him tighter, wiping her salty tears onto his favourite dinosaur t-shirt. No matter what, they’ll always be together. Because they are brother and sister, they have to protect one another.
Tsumiki thinks it’s okay if she becomes the little sister sometimes. She will still take care of Megumi — she made a promise, after all. She’s not allowed to break it. Even if she doesn’t see or hear from Tōji, she will always keep their promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.
“I don’t really want you to be my dad…”
Gojō stares at her, looking puzzled. “Uhh, okay. Where is this coming from?”
“They always leave and always tell lies. I don’t want another dad in my life.” Tsumiki explains to him, her eyes trained on the ground beneath her feet. Her toes wiggle around in her pink socks and she keeps her feet close together, placing them on top of one another from time to time. She prays Gojō won’t get mad at her. “And I don’t want Megumi to be abandoned again.” Everyone always leaves, she doesn’t want Megumi to get used to the feeling too. She wants him in her life. She won’t abandon her only brother.
“Tsumiki,” Gojō says her name softly. His fingers cup his chin as he rubs it, “Hmm, I never really thought of myself as your dad. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be your dad. Don’t you remember our promise?” He doesn’t want to be my dad?
Oh, right. Their pinky promise. The one they made together during the night in Okinawa.
She nods her head and Gojō smiles at her — one of those smiles that never fully reaches his eyes as he ruffles her hair. His touch is barely felt, but she can tell that her hair is a mess again. She spent thirty minutes on her hair this morning, knowing it’s messy makes her pout. All of her hard work was ruined just by a light touch. He is good at masking his face with pretty smiles, she thinks, like the masked man from Sailor Moon. Gojō hides himself behind a smiling mask.
“Yeah. I promised I wouldn’t leave and would take care of you two.”
She raises her eyebrow, placing her hand on her hip. “But you don’t know how to clean or cook? You can’t take care of yourself either.” She’s the only one she can count on with keeping their home liveable. Megumi is too small and Gojō’s tallness is useless. What is she going to do with them? They’re lucky she’s there to take care of them.
“I’m learning…” He weakly defends. “But yeah, don’t get upset. I’m not your dad, more like a guardian or somethin’ like that.”
“You’re our guardian?” Gojō nods in affirmation. She stares at his face — he has fluffy white hair and bright blue eyes that she has never seen someone else have. Gojō is prettier than everyone (not including her mother) she has ever seen. It makes sense, he is their guardian. He gave them a home to live in. It makes sense, it’s all starting to make sense to her. He looks like an angel… Our guardian angel?!
She smiles so wide at her amazing discovery, her toothaches. It’s aches and aches. She places a hand on her cheek, attempting to cradle her pain away. However, her attempts are fruitless; the ache only insists on hurting her more. Gojō leans down and tilts her head up, so they can make eye contact. He has a weird gleam in his eyes. His finger pokes her cheek once. Twice.
And she yelps in pain. Tears prick her eyes as she yells at him to stop, “Gojō, please don—” her desperate pleas don’t reach him.
Gojō laughs loudly at her shooting pain and tear-filled eyes. “Uh oh, Tsumiki-chan.” He tuts as he shakes his head. “You’ve got a big cavity. It’s time for a trip to the dentist. How fun!”
Not the dentist! Horrified memories of her old dentist visits flash through her mind. The painful needle, her dry throat, and her numb gums. No, I don’t want to go. Someone save me!
(That night before she goes off to sleep in her bed, she stops by Megumi’s room to wish him goodnight once again. She whispers a secret into Megumi’s ear before she leaves, “Megumi, guess what I found out? Gojō is our guardian angel.”
Megumi looks at her with furrowed eyebrows, a skeptical look on his face, “What? That’s so stupid, nee-chan. He’s not an angel at all.”
“No, trust me, he is!” She swears, but Megumi isn’t convinced. He’s not convinced at all with the way he stares at her with a pitiful expression.
He sighs, “no, trust me. You are being fooled.”)
Tsumiki hates this place. She doesn’t like the smell — it doesn’t smell good. It smells nothing like their home. It’s too quiet in here and she doesn’t like how professional the building looks. Everything around them lacks colour, besides the children’s books and toys tucked into a box in the corner — she really hates the dentist.
She holds onto Megumi’s two hands, a gentle smile plastered on her face as she looks at him. “Don’t worry, Megumi. I’ll be okay.” Their hands are held tightly together as she tries to ease her brother’s mind.
“Nee-chan, you’re the one who’s shaking, not me.” Megumi looks down at her trembling hands, attempting to find comfort in his.
Her cheeks burn cherry red from getting caught. “No. It’s you, Megumi!”
“… Right. Well, I won’t worry anymore. I know you’ll be okay.” He goes along with her and she gives him a small smile of gratitude — feeling less embarrassed now, she turns around towards the lady waiting to take her to the room to get her teeth cleaned.
“Haha, our little Tsumiki is a scaredy cat.”
She hates the dentist. She really, really, really hates it. But she sucks it up only for two reasons. One: she is an older sister, so she must set a good example. Two: Gojō is mocking her for being too scared, so she has to prove him wrong.
(Tsumiki does prove him wrong. She didn’t cry; only two teardrops fell out. And she goes home with numb gums and a bag containing a light blue toothbrush and toothpaste. If her mother were here, Tsumiki knows that she’d be proud of her for getting her teeth clean without making a fuss this time.)
“You’re too scared to eat now?” Gojō muses, he has that teasing grin he always wears as he takes joy in the way she’s afraid to eat. She doesn’t want to hurt her teeth again. “How ‘bout I mash up some blueberries and throw them into yogurt?”
That doesn’t sound like a bad plan. It won’t hurt her. She nods in agreement.
“Great, I’m a genius. What flavour yogurt do you want, Tsumiki?”
“Umm… I want the peach one, please.”
Megumi speaks up from beside her, “I want peach yogurt too.”
“Blueberries and peach yogurt coming right up, my princess. Megumi can have the nasty cherry one.” She watches as Gojō makes his way into the kitchen — his legs are really long. Really, really long. He’s probably the tallest guy in the entire universe. She can’t help but wonder what the view up there is like. What does he see with those pretty blue jewels of his? Tsumiki wants to know.
She grabs a tangerine from the fruit bowl and carefully peels it. She peels it for Gojō to eat — she’s come to learn that it’s his favourite fruit. Well, he claims his favourite fruit is strawberry, but she always sees him eating a tangerine when he gets home from work. It’s the first thing he reaches for when he sits at the dining table. And the house always smells full of citrus and vanilla. He must love tangerines a lot.
“I asked for peach.”
“Cherry?”
“You’re so childish, Gojō. Cherry or peach, I don’t care.”
“And you’re so mean to me, Megumi-chan. I’ll give you peach yogurt, only because I’m nice, and you begged for it.”
“Well, now I want the cherry one.”
For now, she watches him mash blueberries into a bowl as he bickers with her precious little brother — does he know she can see him picking at the blueberries and sneakily throwing them into his mouth? She shakes her head with a toothy grin to her face, Gojō should be more discreet with his antics. Like an assassin or ninja.
Megumi fiddles around with the t.v remote, searching for their favourite anime. Digimon Adventure: season two starts playing and the sound of metal clanging can be heard from the kitchen. She looks over to see Gojō rushing to put everything away, the scene makes her giggle to herself. He looks like a giant white rabbit jumping around, her giggles turn into cackles at the comparison. Gojō never misses an episode of Digimon, she thinks that maybe he’s a little too attached to the show.
Peach yogurt mixed with crushed blueberries has never tasted as yummy as it does today.