Chapter Text
Dear diary, is this how it starts?
Mr. Yang recommended that I start recording my memories in a diary. He mentioned that it could help me organize my thoughts, especially with all this amnesia stuff. Apparently, March does it too, although she seems to prefer taking photographs, which I also consider trying.
Although I don't have much to record, I only woke up yesterday, it felt like so much had happened at the same time.
Where do I start this? Well, from the beginning…
The first thing I remember was that everything was dark, cold, and empty. I couldn't feel anything, and then a golden light appeared, accompanied by pain all over my body and a strong headache and everything seemed to spin. Everything just hurt and it was so disorienting until I opened my eyes after a moment of taking a deep breath, and there she was, Kafka…
How did I know her name? Why did she seem so familiar? Why couldn't I take my eyes off hers?
I'd rather not go into too much detail here, as the memories are still a bit fuzzy. I was still disoriented, even trying to remember it now makes my head ache and everything seems to spin. All the emotions, sensations, everything I felt was just too overwhelming for me to focus on anything... except her.
I still can't quite explain what I felt when I looked at the woman in front of me, but I recognized her. Those beautiful and deep lilac eyes, that gentle smile on her face, the carefully styled purple hair and her perfume.
Going back to the focus, she started talking about how I was in shock and confused, how she seemed familiar, and how I wouldn't know for sure if I should trust her.
But that's nonsense, right? Maybe not.
For some reason, I feel like I can trust her, even though I later found out that she's a criminal with a huge bounty on her head. I... I still trust her.
She said she was leaving and my stomach sank. I didn't want her to go, I wanted to hear more from her, to get to know her better.
She also said that I shouldn't worry about the past and not doubt myself. The first part seems too easy to accept, but the second? I'm still struggling with that. After all, how could I trust myself if I don't even know who I am?
Am I a pessimistic person? Am I as cheerful as March? Silent like Dan Heng? Trustworthy like Himeko and Mr. Yang? Who am I?
I don't know, that's why it's hard not to doubt myself. And because I try to just go with the flow and imitate how others are, maybe that way I'll figure it out, right? By picking a little bit from everyone I'm close to, I must be doing something right?
Ah, I'm rambling. It seems like at least this part I understand about myself.
How annoying.
Kafka kept talking about how I would embark on surreal adventures filled with dangers and wonders, that I would find a family, that this was the destiny that Elio, whoever they may be, predicted for me and she asked me what I thought.
It sounded good, it sounded magnificent but…
I didn't like it.
Being told what would happen felt wrong, as if I had no choice in the matter. I hated that, even if it was something good.
But what I hated the most…
...was that she wouldn't go with me, she didn't include herself.
My chest started to hurt even more when I realized this. It must be something from the Stellaron in my chest. It must be doing something because it still hurts, like a hand squeezing my chest, slowly crushing it, bones with all their might crushing what should be my heart. Do I even have a heart? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that this pain won't stop. Why does it hurt so much?!
I'm back, I had to take a breath for a moment.
Maybe I should delete this line, no, I'll just underline it because erasing it would lose some of the point of writing this diary on my phone.
Kafka said she liked me. There was someone else with her, but I don't remember the details. It seemed like they were in a hurry, like a rabbit, rushing and saying that there wasn't much time left.
Kafka mentioned that someone would come, and that I should go with them. Her words felt like a shock through my skin. The tightness in my chest worsened as it became clear that she was leaving, that she wouldn't be with me anymore, that she was going to abandon me.
I didn't want that, I didn't want any of this. I wanted to go with her, to hear more of her words, and ask so many questions. Who was she? Why did she seem so familiar? Who am I?
But unfortunately, I couldn't do anything. I could only call her name as she walked away, and everything turned dark, and the tightness in my chest worsened... I don't feel like continuing now. I'll just go along. It seems like it's almost dinner time, and it's Himeko's turn to cook. I'm curious why this seems to make the others have strange expressions. Maybe she's really good at cooking?
Sincerely yours, Caelus
why did i write this?