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It’s barely been a few days since Hatake Sakumo’s suicide when Genma wakes up screaming in the middle of the night.
His mother rushes into his room to find her only son sobbing and clutching his throat in pain, childish confusion marring his young face. She gently peels his hands away, and swallows down a gasp at the words carved into soft skin as if by a dull knife-
White Fang’s son.
She has heard the news, the comments filled with contempt and unconcealed disgust, words like disgraceful and coward and, more hushed, his son found the body (only four years old and already an orphan).
She cards her hands through soft brown hair and waits for the wails to subside, for there is nothing one can do to ease the pain of a newly formed soulmark.
(Her poor little boy, why did it have to be the coward’s son-)
-
The next day Genma asks her what the words mean and she tells him, makes him swear not to tell anyone and gives him a black choker to cover the letters.
At seven years old, Genma understands that the words that showed up on his skin are something his soulmate (his soulmate!) hates about themselves, but he always thought that the White Fang was cool and strong, so why would anyone hate being his son? But his mother tells him not to tell, and so he won’t, and if he pays more attention when he sees a flash of silver hair at the edge of his vision, well, that’s only for him to know.
(She doesn’t know it then, but it’s a good thing she chose a thick and dark fabric, for it is useful when White Fang’s son is joined by others, coward and failure and friend-killer and cold-blooded wrapping around Genma’s slender throat like an angry bruise, flaring up every time a lone figure stands at the memorial.)
-
Genma’s mom is long gone (so is his sister and his aunts but he doesn’t dwell on it often, such is the life of most shinobi, short and unimportant in the grand scheme of things, especially that of assassins like his family) when the words not strong enough and useless useless useless burn themselves across his shoulder blades.
He doesn’t notice the new words until much later, craning his neck to discern them in a mirror, his mind at the time too caught up in an endless loop of failure because the Hokage is dead (Minato is dead and Genma’s not and it should have been him-)
He understands Kakashi then, because he feels the same, useless and angry and weak. The Kyuubi’s attack was brutal and the bloody carnage left behind is seared into his mind even without a sharingan. (His heart aches for Kakashi, after Obito and Rin, Minato and Kushina are just-)
Genma contemplates, not for the first time, telling Kakashi. He’s known for a decade now, and even without the words on his skin Kakashi’s suffering is plain to see, but he discards the thought as soon as it appears. (He’s of more use to Kakashi as a friend, he tells himself, bringing him hot tea when he sees him standing by the graves, asking Minato to give him the eggplant miso soup he made and ignoring the blonde’s knowing grin-)
(But Minato is dead and Genma failed to protect him and Kakashi deserves better than him anyway.)
-
The years pass by, Genma guarding the Hokage (but it’s not the same, he would die for Sarutobi-sama because his duty dictates so, but he would have died for Minato if he had only asked, why hadn’t he asked-), going on A and B ranks, joining ANBU and doing anything to avoid being put on Naruto’s guard detail, with limited success, because looking at the tiny blonde boy makes his heart clench and a feeling of guilt and sorry sorry sorry crawl under his skin.
He wonders sometimes what words show up on Kakashi’s skin. He tries as much as he can to not let his dark thoughts get to him, not wanting to mar the pale skin with his inadecuacy (but surely he fails at that too).
Genma holds out hope that at least the words sneered at him by some of the chuunin and suspiciously well informed civillians don’t etch themselves onto Kakashi’s skin.
He loses that hope around the same time he loses count of the number of throats slit in the quiet of the night among rumpled and soiled bedsheets, whore and easy and liar branding him at his very soul, and wonders whether that’s the reason his father hadn’t been his mother’s soulmate, and if anyone (Kakashi) would even want a whore as theirs.
He keeps being Kakashi’s friend, as much as the younger man allows him to be, and bears the words murderer and Hound on his collarbones, the latter throbbing dully every time he sees the hound mask in the ANBU headquarters, for once glad that his own tanuki mask obscures whatever expression’s on his face.
(He gets the feeling that Raidou knows, or at least suspects, who Genma’s soulmate is, his stare boring into his back through white porcelain, radiating concern as team Ro passes them by.)
-
One day, Genma brings groceries over to Kakashi’s place, expecting the apartment to be empty while Kakashi is away on a mission, set to return in the evening. What he finds instead is Kakashi on the couch, surrounded by his summons and snoring softly, his hands subconsciously petting fur and looking more relaxed than Genma’s seen him in years.
He puts the paper bag down quietly, sneaks another glance at Kakashi’s unguarded face, memorizing the sweep of his light eyelashes, how his hair stands in every which direction even without his hitai-ate, the curve of the scar on his left cheek-
Genma feels his insides fill with warmth, thinks oh, and is out through the window before he can do something stupid.
(Stupid like kiss the shape of Kakashi’s mouth through the mask and lie down on the couch as if there was a space for him among Kakashi and his pack-)
-
Kakashi and Iruka start dating, and Genma is torn between crying in joy or pain (the chuunin is nice, kind in a way Genma has forgotten to be, or maybe never was, and it’s good to see Kakashi finally moving on, to see him happy-)
Raidou finds Genma on the verge of passing out, surrounded by empty bottles and slurring why not me why can’t he see why am I not good enough. He half-carries-half-drags him to the bed, leaves a glass of water and painkillers on his nightstand, silently cursing Hatake Kakashi in his head as he leaves.
(The next day Genma asks him not to tell anyone and Raidou frowns, opens his mouth to say something, but Genma’s resigned expression makes the words freeze in his throat.
He doesn’t tell.)
-
Months later, Kakashi and Iruka break up, and Genma hates himself a little for the flash of relief he feels when Asuma tells him about it. Then, he finds out that Kakashi’s new genin team has Naruto on it and redirects that hate towards the Hokage, the reminder of Minato and Kushina’s absence making his chest feel more hollow than usual.
(Somewhere on the way to the Land of Waves Kakashi’s jaw throbs, the word weak that’s been there for more than a decade pulsing with a sudden surge of heat.)
-
Sasuke is late.
Genma is about to disqualify him when the Uchiha shows up, Kakashi at his back, showy and dramatic and endearing. And Genma loves this man so much it feels like it’s constantly spilling out of him, like it can’t possibly fit into his ribcage, the words I love you wedged into his throat, scratching it bloody and never making it past his vocal chords.
Kakashi says something about being late and Genma swallows down everything he wants to tell him, ignores the way Kakashi barely pays him any attention and pushes his shameful love back, crushing his lungs to keep it from leaking out.
(Kakashi feels a pinprick on his left ring finger, the words in love curling around it like a wedding band.)
-
Suna attacks and the Hokage dies and Genma failed again, why can’t he just do his job-
(The failure above Kakashi’s heart burns with an intensity that makes his steps falter.)
-
Raidou marries his soulmate, Asuma and Kurenai finally stop dancing around each other (and subsequently find out that they are, in fact, soulmates), Kotetsu and Izumo may as well have been married for, well, forever and Genma-
Genma still hasn’t told Kakashi.
(It feels wrong, like he’d be forcing Kakashi to be with someone he wouldn’t otherwise pick, because if Asuma and Kurenai could fall in love before knowing that they were soulmates then maybe him and Kakashi-)
-
Team Chouza, sans Ebisu, is having dinner at one of the Akimichi restaurants when Gai asks Genma if he likes Kakashi like that.
Genma, taken completely by surprise, sputters and flushes and tries to deny it but Gai goes on a spiel about how one can fall in love with people other than their soulmate, and how their youthful feelings are stronger than any bond, before wishing him luck and promising to help Genma win over his eternal rival’s heart.
He doesn’t have the courage to tell Gai the truth, so he grins and pretends his heart isn’t breaking with the reminder that Kakashi doesn’t feel the same, because if anyone would know, it would be Gai.
(Unbeknownst to him, the reason why Gai brings it up is because he noticed Kakashi’s gaze lingering on his former teammate one too many times before being harshly torn away, as if by some invisible force.)
-
Genma knows something is wrong because one moment he’s standing next to Raidou, holding stacks of unfilled paperwork, and the next he’s gasping for breath, papers fluttering around him and his throat burns, all his marks in agony for an instant that ends as suddenly as it began.
Afterwards, he finds out that it was Itachi and Kisame, and Kakashi’s hurt and Genma is worried damn it-
He wishes there was something he could do to help, but he’s only a field medic, so he bullies Kakashi into letting him heal his cuts and scrapes, and employs Gai to force him to stay in bed, not wanting to overstep.
He leaves flowers for Obito and Rin in Kakashi’s absence and apologizes to Minato for letting his student get hurt again.
(The next time Kakashi makes his way to the graves he’s surprised to find fresh lilies there, the useless in the crook of his left elbow stinging sharply.)
-
Sasuke’s gone, and Naruto left to train with Jiraya, and at times Kakashi looks like he did before Obito, and Genma refuses to keep his distance this time.
He goes out to eat with Kakashi at Akimichi restaurants (a perk of having been on team Chouza, he always gets a discount), helps Gai come up with new challenges and, on some days, crashes into Kakashi’s apartment with alcohol and stories about Minato and in those moments everything feels like it could one day be okay.
Oh and they also have a new Hokage.
(Genma wonders what he’s still doing as her guard with his track-record.)
-
It all comes to a head on a random Tuesday.
They’re drinking at a bar, sake and conversation both flowing freely, and somehow Asuma’s managed to convince Kakashi to join them. Genma’s sitting in the spot across from him and trying to act unaffected by the sharp glint of a dark grey eye that keeps watching him.
The topic, like usually, has turned to relationships and soulmates.
“Asuma, when are you and Kurenai finally going to tie the knot? You’ve liked her since you were what? Fourteen? Don’t you think it’s time?”
But before he can reply, Aoba leans over the table clumsily, knocking over empty bottles. “What about you Kakashi, you have your eye on anyone? Haha eye, get it?”
Asuma hits him upside the head before righting a few bottles. “Can you even imagine Kakashi in a relationship?” he says around his cigarette.
“My eternal rival is at the peak of his youth! He should find someone to spend it with!” Gai’s loud voice butts in.
Kakashi’s eye creases. “Maa, why are you all so interested in my love-life?”
“You mean your non-existent love-life?”
They all laugh before someone turns their attention to Genma with waggling eyebrows. “You’ve been suspiciously quiet, Genma, any new adventures?”
“Leave him alone, you know he doesn’t know who his soulmate is,” Raidou interjects quickly, sharper than necessary.
And maybe they were being too loud, or they’re just too eye-catching with Kakashi and Gai among them, but someone at the table next to theirs slams their drink down loudly, grabbing everyone’s attention.
“Well, I wouldn’t want a whore as my soulmate, so maybe Shiranui’s just doesn’t want him either,” the man says snidely, looking at Genma with disgust.
And Genma, for the first time in Kakashi’s presence, is not quick enough to stop a new word from furrowing itself into his heart.
It takes a beat longer than it should have for realization to hit him, but when it does he only sees Kakashi already on his feet, almost running out of the bar with a hand on his wrist.
-
Kakashi stands outside and stares at the angry red unwanted seared into the thin skin of his left wrist in a daze. The door opens behind him but he barely registers it because he knows the things he’s believed about himself (still does on bad days), and he knows that it wouldn’t be hard to guess for anyone (Genma) who has him as a soulmate, so why didn’t Genma say anything for all these years?
Genma, who’s been there for him time and time again, whose scent is so familiar his pack doesn’t even twitch when he enters his apartment, who knew Minato in ways Kakashi didn’t and lost him too, who dreaded going to his shift as Naruto’s ANBU guard because looking at the boy made him feel guilty and sorry (the word thick and dark and repeating on Kakashi’s left forearm), and did Genma not tell him because he doesn’t want Kakashi-
He hears a gasp and looks up to see Genma grabbing at his chest and Kakashi knows the word being carved there matches the one on his wrist.
They make their way to Kakashi’s apartment without saying anything, Genma’s eyes catching like they always do on Kakashi’s team photo with Minato, the pain radiating from the failure on Kakashi’s chest suddenly making sense (and making Kakashi want to reach out for the other man to offer comfort, tell him it wasn’t your fault.)
Kakashi opens his mouth but no sound comes out, tries to meet Genma’s eyes but he looks just as lost as Kakashi feels and he doesn’t know how to approach this (everything between them has always been easy and comfortable, he can’t lose that too-)
In the next moment, something like determination flashes in hazel eyes, and Genma takes off his flak vest in one swift motion before reaching down to tug the uniform turtleneck over his head with shaky hands, leaving him standing in a sleeveless undershirt and a black choker (like he’d worn back when they were children, Kakashi’s mind supplies, could it be-).
Finally, Genma meets Kakashi’s eye as he unfastens the soft cloth and lets his hands hang by his sides.
Kakashi’s heart is beating too fast and his whole world feels like it’s tilting on its axis as he reaches with trembling fingers for the jagged edge of friend-killer, stopping a mere breath from touching the skin, searching Genma’s face, looking for permission, expecting badly disguised disgust, but finding a look so open and vulnerable it makes the breath catch in his throat and his hand freeze in place.
A heartbeat later, Kakashi feels gentle fingers wrap around his wrist and his calloused fingertips touch bruise dark skin right where friend-killer bleeds into cold-blooded, softly tracing the words until he reaches White Fang’s son.
Genma is my soulmate he thinks with sudden clarity, electricity sparking into his veins from each point of contact where their skin meets.
Then, with something that feels like happiness bubbling shyly in his chest, Genma is my soulmate!
“I’m sorry,” Genma whispers into the space between them. ”I should have told you.”
Kakashi looks at him, thinks of unwanted on his wrist and failure above his heart and weak under his jaw, thinks of saying I love you.
“Maybe,” he allows, feels more than hears the catch in Genma’s breath, and raises his hand to cradle a warm cheek. “But nothing good ever comes from dwelling on the ‘what ifs’.”
Genma smiles at that, a gentle, hopeful little thing, and he’s so pretty it hurts.
He entwines his fingers with Kakashi’s. “Stay the night? We can talk in the morning, but I would really like to just hold you now, if that’s okay?”
“Yes,” Kakashi says and squeezes Genma’s hand, saying more than any words could. “More than okay.”
(Later they have all the time in the world to trace the words on each other’s skin, to share the pain they carry. Genma’s gentle eyes and steady hands always there when Kakashi falters, Kakashi a guiding light when Genma finds himself stumbling in the dark, his smiles reserved for Genma alone.
Kakashi stands at Minato’s grave. “You were right, sensei, my soulmate is someone amazing.”)