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1) Climate change deniers (and Tony).
Bruce lowered his head and rubbed at his temples. The press conference had started out decently, but it began to go haywire when a reporter accused Stark Industries of showing a lack of patriotism by pulling out of the weapons industry and going into the clean energy business, and Tony retorted by pointing out that global warming and peak oil were the greatest risks America was facing. At this point, the conversation somehow devolved into an argument about the integrity of climate science.
Thor had been ushered out after making some unhelpful comments about the desire Midgardians tend to have of bringing about the Ragnarok before its fated hour, and Natasha and Clint both had their eyes fixed on their StarkPhones, barely suppressing the occasional giggle. Coulson really should not have introduced them to Mortal Kombat.
Steve observed quietly as Tony and the climate change deniers became embroiled in a ridiculous argument about grade-school level plate tectonics.
"How did the oil get to Alaska and the Arctic Ocean, then?" A reporter asked. "That's what I want to know."
"Did you guys not go to school or something? There's a geological explanation for that-- it comes from a time when there was only one land mass, but then by the continental drift process--"
"Really?" the reporter laughed. "You're saying that the land just drifted to the Arctic? Is that how you are going to cover up the fact that it used to be a lot warmer in the North Pole? Is this the sort of thing so called scientists..."
Bruce groaned and rubbed at his temples again. He was just about blocking out the chatter when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey there, big guy, are you alright?" Tony asked, ignoring the fact that the reporter was still talking. "Not that I would object if you were to go a little green right now, but I know it's the sort of thing you don't like to happen when there are a lot of--"
"I'll be fine," Bruce said. "Just. Ah." He had an idea.
"No, no," he stage-whispered as if talking down the Hulk within him.
"You can't smash all the ignorance in the world; that's just not how it works" he continued, not acknowledging the fact that all eyes were now turned on him. Even Natasha and Clint had put away their phones.
He turned helplessly to Tony. "It's just the other guy protects me from my enemies, and he somehow decided that scientific ignorance is an enemy. People distorting science, logical errors... I went and got two more PhDs and an MD just to keep him sated, but now..."
"Oh!" Tony blinked. "How did I not see this? Ok, big guy, look don't worry, the Maria Stark foundation will donate lots of money to science education--"
"HULK KNOW PLATE TECTONICS WHEN HULK TWO WEEKS OLD" Bruce bellowed, borrowing the Hulk's deep voice and letting his eyes turn green.
"Yes, well Hulk is also extra talented, but certainly everyone will have a decent understanding of primary school level science after the donation goes through and look, I'm working on that right now okay? Let Bruce stay with us and everything will be okay. He could even help explain the theory to these--"
"Is Banner okay?" A reporter asked.
"Dr. Banner," Tony corrected. "And yes. As he just explained, he has a mild allergy to ignorance, especially in the area of science. Lack of understanding of continental drift certainly counts. And by mild allergy, I mean he turns into an enormous green rage monster, so for the continued comfort and survival of everyone in this room, can we please adjourn this meeting?"
The meeting was adjourned.
*******************
[Several days later]
"Hey guys, daddy's home," Tony announced, sauntering down to his lab.
"Big guy!" he added upon seeing Bruce. "What are you working--"
And then he noticed that Bruce had a computer turned on to the Fox News website.
"Oh hell no!" Tony yelled. "Turn that off, you're in my lab!"
"What?" Bruce asked innocently. "I'm just--"
But he did not get a chance to finish that sentence before Tony flipped the power switch to the whole lab, plunging it into darkness.
"... I was just hacking Fox News."
"No, I don't care. I really don't think you should have exposure to anything related to Fox News in my lab, where I keep Dummy and Butterfingers. I mean I do like your green friend and all, but my babies would not stand a chance against him."
"Is this about the Hulk's reaction to bad science? From the press conference?"
"Obviously," Tony bit out, attempting to push Dummy into a metal safe. "But if we are to discuss the horrors that pass as logic in Fox News, I would prefer that we did it somewhere outside of my lab."
"Tony... You do realise I've lived with people who only believed in healing through prayer? For goodness sake, I used to go out chanting and waving a stick 'dowsing' for underground water I had already found. I think I'll survive a little Young Earth Creationism."
Tony furrowed his eyebrows.
"So in the... Plate Techtonics incident--"
"I was trolling, yes. And I do know the term. Because I've been on the internet, where people are wrong about science all the time."
"I hate you, did you know that?" Tony said, turning the power back on. "I had all these massively parallel processes running, and you just made me pull the plug on them, so--"
"Hey, hey. Sincerest form of flattery, right? You should feel flattered."
Tony sighed. The things he put up with.
*********************************************************
2: Ass-hole reporters (and Natasha).
The meeting with the Fox News reporters was not going well. The network had been given footage from the team's most recent battle against a militia of deranged robots, in which Natasha was dismantling the gun on top of an enemy plane when another robot crashed into it, bumping her off. She was caught mid-air by a swinging Hulk, who carried her to safety.
This, of course, was day-to-day life for the Avengers. What set this footage apart was that in it, as the Hulk carried her to safety, Natasha was haemorrhaging between the legs in what the journalists easily concluded to be a miscarriage.
Fox Network had been kind enough to grant a meeting with SHIELD before going public with the video, but there seemed to be nothing SHIELD could say to stop its release.
Fury, Steve, and a few of the journalists were speaking over each other in a tug of war that was clearly going no-where.
Natasha sat at the other end of the table staring into space. Thor and Clint flanked her, fidgeting as though they yearned to comfort her, but dared not.
Tony was tapping on his mobile, cursing the fact that the video was stored on computers without network connections, and the present journalists did not even have any dirty secrets on their business phones.
"This isn't a question of freedom of the press," Fury insisted helplessly. "This is about respect for a person's privacy."
"Ms. Romanov chose a public profession as a so-called hero," one journalist retorted. "It would be deceptive to show her as a role model for young women without also showing the awful risks she is taking--including with her own unborn child, wouldn't it?"
Bruce cleared his throat before Fury could think of a response to this.
"I think it's a very courageous thing you all are doing keeping this footage," he said, "taking the awful risks of radiation poisoning just to show Americans the truth."
There was a shuffling sound as everyone in the room turned to him.
"Mr. Banner,--" a journalist started.
"Dr. Banner," Tony corrected.
"Dr. Banner, sorry, sir, what do you mean radiation poisoning?"
"From... you know.. the other guy?" Bruce looked around timidly, as if asking his teammates for help.
"He means the Hulk," Tony explained.
Bruce shuddered, but continued: "You know, the gamma rays from his skin shift in camera lenses to higher frequency photons, which excite the atoms in processors to a dangerously high quantum energy level. These emit photons as they fall back to the ground state, which ionise the water in normal human bodies, the standard mechanisms of radiation poisoning."
Bruce fidgeted awkwardly as all eyes in the room continued to stare at him.
"It's a very brave thing for whoever made that video, and even more so for anyone who handles copies of it, because, you know, data is copied with electro-magnetic waves, and the electron spin resonance only increases the effect."
Minutes ticked away in continued silence.
"Is there something I'm missing?" Bruce asked Tony. "They did know about this, right? I haven't been paying attention to science education in the US for a few years."
For a moment, Bruce clenched in fear that Tony may not back him up. He was not entirely sure he had been forgiven for the Plate Tectonics trolling incident.
Come on, Tony. For Natasha, he begged subtly with his eyes.
"No, of course they knew," Tony answered. "I mean this isn't new science, or anything. Compton scattering was observed, what? A hundred years ago? We're just having a moment of solemnity in honour of the brave reporters here who still have copies of the footage."
"Yeah, I'd be wiping it all with a giant magnet," Bruce lowered his head.
"And then melting it down for good measure," Tony agreed wistfully, "and we risk our lives on a weekly basis. I mean radiation poisoning is an awful way to go. Vomiting, internal bleeding,"
"Bleeding from all orifices, open sores..." Bruce shuddered. "But I'm thankful for brave people like you, I really am."
One journalist fidgeted.
"Er, I think we have a meeting at the headquarters?" he asked his colleague.
"Yeah, we should get on that."
******
"My traffic cameras have shown one computer and two movable hard drives dropped into the Hudson," Tony announced once they were back at Stark tower.
"And someone just sent a text message saying 'pls wipe my hard-drive, anything with hulk footage, ill explain later'," Bruce replied.
"So we're clear?"
"I'm thinking we should bring the little guy over to their headquarters anyway," Bruce gestured at the room-temperature superconducting electro-magnet they had been working on. "For a walk, you know. Just in case."
Tony smiled and started packing up the magnet.
"Hey," Natasha said, materialising in the lab.
"Ah, Natasha!" Tony jumped, turning to her. "The Fox guys just tossed the footage. I guess they aren't quite the bastion of courage we thought they were."
"Thank you." Natasha said. "Um..." she continued.
"Yes?" Bruce prompted.
"I had a question... well, Steve was also wondering... and it's not for myself, of course, but just there have been SHIELD agents, not that I care that much about SHIELD any more, but--"
"What's your question?" Tony interrupted.
"Do telescopic rifle sights count as lenses? For the... radiation poisoning thing?"
"Of course," Tony smirked. "They're made of the same glass, aren't they?"
There was a silence.
"No, no, he's just messing with you," Bruce laughed. "It's the finite focal length that causes the frequency shift. Since rifle sights are actually flat, there's no danger. No need to worry your friends at SHIELD. Tony, don't be a troll."
Natasha smiled. "Thank you, Bruce," she said softly.
Tony opened and closed his mouth several times after Natasha left.
"Yes?" Bruce asked, with a deer-in-the-head-lights look that Tony was never going to believe again.
"Tony, don't be a troll? Really?" Tony finally managed to sputter. "Unbelievable!"
*********************************************************
3) SHIELD
"Bishop to G5," Tony announced, his eyes still on the science magazine he was holding in one hand. With his other hand, he was attempting to stick his finger into the hummus Bruce had left on the kitchen table.
"Hey!" Natasha scolded, slapping his hand before it got there. She whispered something into Tony's ear, and by the way Tony clenched the magazine, Bruce could tell that he would not have to worry about stolen hummus for a while.
Bruce chuckled, glancing over from where he was boiling dolmas. The oven started beeping, but he paid it no mind; Clint was taking care of the baklava.
"Knight takes knight on E4," Bruce replied to Tony.
The oven continued to beep.
Bruce looked up at Clint who was perched on the refrigerator with his bow and arrows slung over his shoulder. It was normal for Clint to be fully armed when preparing the dessert; even Natasha could not resist baklava. It was less usual for him to be tapping on his mobile, ignoring the beeping oven.
"Clint?" Bruce prodded.
"What? Oh!" Clint put away his phone and leaped off the fridge.
"Clint, are you okay?" Natasha asked.
"Of course," he pulled the baklava out of the oven.
There was definitely something odd about the way he said it. One glance at Natasha verified her agreement.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Clint looked up at her, and they engaged in a brief staring contest.
"It's SHIELD R&D," Clint finally said. "They think I know something about Loki's tech. They're trying to rebuild it and want to bring me to the lab to see if they can prompt any memories of how the equipment worked. But I honestly don't remember any of it. And I don't want to."
Natasha went still.
"Level D security breach, sir," JARVIS announced. "I believe it may be the SHIELD members Mr. Barton is talking about."
Natasha sprinted towards the elevator.
"Natasha, stop! Where are you going?" Clint yelled.
"Where do you think I'm going?" Natasha turned to him with fiery eyes. "I think a certain regime's time is up."
"You can't do this. You're going to destroy your career and your life. And our lives. I can just go. It will be fine."
"Clint."
"No. Let me. Just, save me some baklava."
"Level C security breach," JARVIS announced again.
"Is this the lab in upstate?" Bruce asked. "Are they rebuilding it on-site?"
"Yes, why?" Clint narrowed his eyes.
"Let me deal with this. I'll convince them to take me instead."
"We discussed the schematics of that lab," Tony interrupted. "You know Hulk couldn't smash it. Bishop takes queen."
"No, no Hulk. I'm running this show. At least until the finale. Everybody put your loud mission earbuds in. Bishop to B4."
Natasha, Clint, and Tony still seemed doubtful, but they slipped their earbuds in.
"JARVIS, could you cancel levels A and B security?" Bruce asked. "And can you play that thing Tony plays in the lab? That cacophonous noise--er, music?" He corrected when Tony glared at him.
"Sir, there are 127 different songs in Mr. Stark's repertoire that may be described as 'cacophonous'."
"The one with the base beating at .7 Hz with pitch 36Hz? And a persistent saw-shaped wave 54 Hz? I want it at 110 decibels. Oh, and what's this called?"
"It's 'Shoot to Trill', by AC DC," Tony said. "And you need to be re-educated. At some sort of re-education camp."
JARVIS started the music. The entire room vibrated slightly, but the team's noise-cancelling ear-buds toned the sound down so they could still speak comfortably.
"Don't worry," Bruce said to Tony. "You'll like this one."
The elevator doors open and two agents stepped out. They immediately doubled over and covered their ears.
"Lower it to 55 decibels," Bruce ordered.
"Agent Barton--" one of the agents started, when he recovered from the music.
"You would get much more from me, actually," Bruce interrupted. "I am the only name in gamma ray technology, which is what Loki's weapons were based on."
"Agent Barton, did you tell--?"
"No, I did," Tony interrupted. "I hacked his phone. As it turns out, I can't make a security system that I couldn't breach, so there goes that age old theology question."
The agents looked between the Avengers indecisively.
"Thank you for your offer, Dr. Banner, but with all due respect, you don't actually have the security clearance for this job."
"My security clearance is now as high as Agent Barton's. What you mean is that you are unsure that I will want to help you once I find out that you're building weapons."
"Well..."
"But you don't have to worry about that. It would not be the first time I worked on weapons. It wouldn't even be the first time I helped with weapons based on alien technology."
"Give us a moment," the agent replied.
A few calls later, SHIELD agreed to take Bruce in place of Clint to advise on the lab.
"You are coming as a consultant only," the agent stipulated. "You will be observing and advising, but not tinkering with the equipment. You may not bring any of your own equipment."
"That's fine. I do have two requests, though. As you may know, there's this... other guy who needs to be kept at bay. No, don't worry, I have found a way to keep him under control. I recently discovered that he does not come out when 'Shoot to Thrill' by AC DC is played--and I can certainly sympathise. Anyway, I will need that played in the entire building at 110 db. And don't cut off the bass."
"Oh, is that why it's so loud in here?" the agent asked. "That's fine. And the other request?"
"Clear out all the researchers and staff."
"You will need an agent or two with you."
"Fine. One or two agent to keep me at bay. No other employees in the lab. As you might have seen on the news, the other guy gets upset when science is done badly."
"Oh!" Tony exclaimed. Everyone turned to look at him.
Bruce glared. He was pleased, of course, that Tony had figured out his plan, but this was really not an opportune moment to be ooh-ing and aah-ing.
"Sorry," Tony blushed "I get a little turned on when Bruce gets assertive. It's a thing."
One agent raised an eyebrow.
"Okay. 'Shoot to Thrill' at 110 db and everyone cleared out except the two agents. We'll meet you at nine tomorrow at the front gate?"
"See you there."
***
"I'm going to need help on this one, too," Bruce said later than night when they had eaten and washed up.
"JARVIS is already running a hack," Tony replied. "And next time, let me in on the plan before-hand? That accident was just humiliating."
"Meh. You pulled a decent save."
"At the price of my virtue!"
"Good night," Bruce chuckled.
***************************
The music was already playing as requested when Bruce stepped into the lab. The agents handed him the files with the questions they had and he smiled blandly back at them. Since they had earplugs instead of earbuds in, and would not actually hear anything Bruce said, it was agreed that Bruce would answer their questions after the tour. He walked around looking at the equipment from different angles, mumbling to himself, and occasionally writing a note or two down.
Every once in a while he glanced subtly at the pipe running across the ceiling. It was already visibly vibrating, resonating from the music Bruce requested. Given the volume driving it, he estimated that he would need to stall for another five minutes.
"How's that hack going?" he asked Tony through the ear-bud.
"In, and ready to wipe the hard drives any time. It will be a power surge accident. How's your pipe?"
Bruce checked the amplitude of the vibrations again. "About fourteen centimetres."
"Fourteen centimetres? Impressive," Tony purred.
That was when the double-entendre hit him.
"I meant in amplitude," Bruce bit out.
"Of course you did."
The resonating pipe exploded and started to fall exactly when Bruce predicted it would. He ushered the two agents towards the door. The pipe fell with a crash onto the engine pushing a spark right into a gas stream. The room exploded into a fire just as Bruce pushed the two agents out into the hallway.
"What the hell?" He yelled glaring at the agents and letting his eyes turn green. "Were you trying to kill me? Make me walk un-armed into that room and then explode it?"
"No! We had no--"
"You know, that wasn't going to work anyway," he said, letting his eyes go back to normal. "Even if I hadn't got out on time. And even if that music didn't stop playing. Hulk always comes out when my life is in danger. Is this really the best SHIELD can do for an assassination attempt?"
"It was an accident!"
"Is that what they're telling you?" Bruce laughed.
And with that he walked away from the burning lab.
***
When he got back to the Avenger's tower, news clippings of the "accident" in the lab were all over Tony's screens in the living room.
"Okay, I need to know," Natasha said. "How did you explode a lab without bringing anything in or even touching anything?"
"Simple. Resonant frequency," Bruce explained. "I eye-balled the resonant frequency of the pipe in the lab, and insisted on playing the right song to hit that frequency and its overtones to break it at its weak point, so it dropped down and toppled a spark right into the pressurised gas.
Natasha had an odd look in her eyes. Not the tense look she used to regard him with back before the world ended, but a new bright look. Respect.
***
"Hey, Bruce! You're going to want to see this!" Tony shouted across the lab a few days later. He had his best Cheshire grin on, and boy, was that never a good sign. He swung a monitor over to face Bruce.
The monitor showed the sparring room Tony had installed for the other avengers. Clint and Natasha were leaning against the cage, wiping their sweat with a towel. Tony turned up the volume.
Bruce recognised a very distinctive saw-shaped wave at 54 Hz. And Clint's and Natasha's voices, belting along with it.
He raised an eyebrow and started to sing along as well.
+1) HULK LIKE TROLLING, TOO!
The dust had settled after yet another battle, this one in Cambridge, Massachusetts-- an MIT fraternity's hack had gone horribly wrong, resulting in an invasion of armed, nuclear-powered, sentient, flying shopping carts, and damn did someone seriously need to fix MIT's curriculum. Or, Tony thought wryly to himself, maybe not.
Right now, though, he was trying to talk the Hulk into giving Bruce back, and the Hulk was sitting on his haunches having none of it.
"Hurry up, Stark," Steve's voice said through the comm. "You know we're having a meeting now."
"I'm trying to," Tony replied to Steve before looking back at Hulk.
"Hey, buddy," he coaxed. "You've been sitting there thinking for a while. Care to let the other guy back out? We're expected for some terribly boring meeting. You wouldn't like it."
The Hulk seemed to have come up with an idea. He stood up to go.
"Tin man follow Hulk."
"Um, first of all, not to be pedantic, but it's actually Iron Man--"
"GOLD TITANIUM ALLOY MAN FOLLOW HULK."
Tony gaped.
"Oh. That. Wow. But still, I can't actually be following you right now. Like I said, there's this boring meeting and Bruce is needed--"
"Banner stupid."
"I see. Well, despite his stupidity--"
"Banner want kill Hulk. Kill Hulk and Banner. Have lab finding how."
That stopped Tony in his tracks.
"Wait. Really? No. He doesn't... he wouldn't..."
"Hulk show Tin Man. Tin Man follow Hulk."
"OK, I'm following."
"Wait," Steve shouted over the comm. "You're what? He should be following you. Stark, we ended in a huge mess last time you missed--"
"Mute."
The Hulk had already started to leap away, so Tony put down his mask and flew off after him. They found some very efficient paths to get out of Cambridge, which is surprisingly not impossible when you are a giant green rage monster who can leap a mile at a time, and in no time at all Tony found that they were going through the woods of New Hampshire.
They arrived at an empty wooden house. The Hulk lifted the roof and Tony held it up for him as he jumped in. It was a cosy house that had definitely been lived in recently. There was no dust on the dishes in the kitchen, and there were fruits in a basket by the refrigerator.
"Is the lab here?"
"Underground. Banner explain," the Hulk passed Tony a bottle of wine, holding it between his fingers. Tony poured himself a glass while the Hulk drank from a barrel.
"Fair enough. Wait, are you drinking alcohol?"
"Sober Banner many lies. Tipsy Banner tell Tin Man truth."
"But he told me that if he's drunk, he can't actually get control. Oh wait, he was lying about that, too, wasn't he? Man, he's getting too good at this. I hate him!"
"Tin Man also many lies. Tin Man love Banner."
"Heh, well, I guess that's true."
"Banner and Tin Man stupid."
"Fair enough."
"Hulk give Tin Man stupid Banner."
"Okay."
With that, the Hulk started to shrink. Bruce fell over when he was fully back. Tony helped him up and guided him to a sofa.
"What is going on?" Bruce asked when he managed to sit down.
"Yeah, I think you're going to have to explain that one to me, actually." He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice. By the look on Bruce's face, he had not succeeded.
"What? Oh my god. Why are we here? Am I drunk?"
"The Other Guy told me you were hiding something here. He suggested that you are more honest when tipsy. In any case, I suggest you show it to me."
Bruce scanned Tony's face. Tony kept his face impassive. Bruce narrowed his eyes.
"Is that all he told you?"
"He said you were researching ways to kill him here," Tony whispered, looking away. "And to kill you."
His attention was brought back immediately when Bruce gave a sharp laugh. It was Tony's turn to narrow his eyes.
"What?" Tony asked, when Bruce continued to laugh.
"Come."
Tony followed him down the stairs to a locked room. Bruce keyed in a few pass-codes and hand-print scans and the door opened.
Tony stepped through and stopped short. The lab was filled with diagrams, models, and prototypes of an arc-reactor. Not just any arc-reactor-- but a chest-plate-electro-magnet arc-reactor.
"I couldn't improve on the actual arc-reactor, of course. That's engineering you've been working on for years. But--"
"Your chest-plate integrates better into my circulatory system. In this one, you're neutralising the residue from when I run it over capacity. And here, you've changed the cell so it emits only water and trace amounts of sodium chloride. Why didn't I think of that? This is brilliant. This is amazing. Why didn't you tell me you were doing this? You've clearly already made improvements upon improvements."
"Um, well."
"No, wait. The Hulk already told me. 'Banner stupid. Banner and Tin Man stupid.' Well, I'm not going to be stupid any more."
With that, he crashed his lips into Bruce's. The kiss was clumsy and ridiculous and both men started chuckling before it was over.
"Oh, dear," Bruce said. "Did we just both get trolled by the Hulk?"
"I'm not telling if you're not," Tony replied before going in for another kiss.
(The end.)