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Sirius Black has ruined every good thing he had going for him in his life. He had Remus–but he was careless, and spiteful, and stupid, and he ruined that in a split second. James and Peter sided with Remus, because there was no way they would have ever sided with him. He doesn’t deserve it. The girls don’t know what happened, but they don’t need to to know that whatever it was was bad, just from the way none of the other three marauders have so much as said ‘hello’ to him in the last three months. Three months. Three months since he told Severus Snape how to get past the whomping willow and nearly sent him into an early grave. Three months since he almost made his boyfriend–ex-boyfriend now–a murderer. He can’t even remember what they had been fighting about when he said it. Something stupid, he’s sure. Inconsequential. Nothing. But you know what they say; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
He had been planning on staying with James over Christmas, and now he knows he’s going to have to go back to Grimmauld and face whatever horrors are sure to await him there. He isn’t sure that anyone will be waiting for him when he gets out this time. He thinks that maybe, this time, he’s meant to stay. He’s dreamt of running away and living with the Potters ever since the very first time he met them, and they’ve even gone as far as to say that he could if he ever wanted to, but it seems that he’s ruined any chance of that happening now. If James won’t talk to him, how is he supposed to take refuge under his roof? He can’t do that to James. He’s done enough.
For the past three months, Sirius has been wandering the castle like a ghost, mechanical and unpresent. He goes to his classes, he goes to the great hall, he goes to detention, he goes to his bed, and so on and so on. Sometimes, when he’s feeling selfish, he looks at his friends down the table while they eat. Remus has been looking horrible, pale and withdrawn and heartbroken, and Sirius knows from the way he hears him tossing and turning all night that he isn’t sleeping. Sirius isn’t sleeping either. He wonders if their nightmares are the same–blood coating the walls of the tunnel to the shrieking shack, howling turning into blood-curdling screams, the eyes of everyone he knows looking at him and asking “how could you?” If James hadn’t been quick enough, hadn’t been persuasive enough, Sirius would probably be in Azkaban or something close to it. Who knows what would have happened to Moony. Sirius dreads the thought.
As painful as the process of losing everyone and everything has been, Sirius is absolutely certain that the punishment fits the crime. Sometimes, frequently, he wonders if it’s even enough. Maybe, just maybe, he should go to Azkaban. Or at the very least be expelled. Or maybe…maybe, just maybe, he shouldn’t even be allowed to live. He thinks maybe he doesn’t deserve to. Sometimes. That thought scares him the most. He had been so in love with life just at the beginning of term, and now? What happens now? Sirius has no idea, but whatever it is, he just knows that it won’t be good.
~~~
Boggarts. The Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson of the day is on boggarts, and they’ve actually brought one in. If Sirius had it in him to care, he would be fucking astounded that they’ve brought in a magical fear-creature in to show the students. However, he does not have it in him to care, so he just takes his seat and stares around the room absentmindedly. More students come flooding in than usual, and Sirius notices that there are actually quite a few more tables in the room than there typically are. He sees green neckties and he bristles, turning his attention to the professor to actually try to gleam what’s happening.
“Because we don’t have the boggart for long, we’re combining classes over a three day period to go through this special demonstration. We’re taking the entire day today to make it through both the 5th and 6th year Gryffindor classes, as well as the 5th and 6th year Slytherin classes! Of course we’re splitting both into two separate groups, one for before lunch and one for after, but that isn’t entirely relevant for you all, so without further ado, let’s get into the subject matter!” The professor drones on at the whiteboard then, and Sirius should probably keep listening, but all he can think of is that he hopes with all of his heart that Regulus will be in the after lunch group.
Of course, he could never be so lucky, and he watches as his little brother walks right into the classroom surrounded by that strange little entourage he’s always with. Regulus is pointedly not looking at Sirius, as is to be expected, but Barty Crouch Jr. is glaring daggers directly at him. That is also to be expected. It doesn’t bother him now like it did before–he just doesn’t have it in him to feel like he’s being wronged by being on the end of a harsh glare. He probably just hates him because Regulus does, and Sirius doesn’t even blame Regulus for that anymore. He hates himself too.
He regrets doing what he did to Remus, absolutely. It tears at his soul every day and every night. That being said, his friends aren’t the only people who are justifiably furious with him. This past summer had been…bad. Emboldened by the foolish and naive idea that he would be running away to the Potters’ house whenever it struck his fancy, Sirius had been on his worst behavior. He was obnoxious and rebellious throughout, taking the punishments on the chin and relishing in the way he could so easily ruin his mother’s day. She’d ruined so many of his, he felt like it was only fair. He stuck lewd pictures up on his walls, he talked back at every opportunity, he broke one of his mother’s favorite vases, he ruined a family gathering with some well-placed dung bombs, and he simply just didn’t let up.
The more Sirius acted out, the harsher the punishments became, which only added fuel to Sirius’s fire, and it became a vicious cycle between the two of them. It wasn’t without collateral damage. When they were young, Regulus and Sirius had been a team. They felt united in their efforts to survive and endure their parents, as hard as it was. They didn’t have to get up to no good in order to get in trouble, they just had to be children trying to grow up. Regulus would break a glass on accident, Sirius would take the blame, and in turn Regulus would sneak food to Sirius or help him clean up any wounds and vice versa. They were there for each other, whatever happened, no matter what. Then, Sirius went to Hogwarts. Regulus had to spend the year at home with them alone for the first time, and Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor and learned what life could be like, and things were never the same between them after that.
They tried at first to continue on. They were still there for each other. Sirius listened while Regulus told him about how difficult it was at home with him away, and Sirius would swallow his guilt and tell Regulus all about the friends he made and how they would be his friends too when he went to Hogwarts the next year, and that everything would be okay. But then Regulus got sorted into Slytherin, and he didn’t want to be friends with Sirius’s friends because he had his own. Sirius became more rebellious at home as he learned more about the home lives and beliefs of his friends’ families, and in turn, Regulus would beg and beg him to shut up and keep his head down. Sirius was unrelenting in his conviction though, and the two brothers started to resent each other for the first time. Sirius, mad at Regulus for being a ‘coward without a moral backbone’ as he put it, and Regulus, mad at Sirius for causing so much unnecessary trouble when there was already so much to begin with. Sirius doesn’t know how to feel about it all now, so he just chooses not to let the horrible clench in his chest take root as he turns away from the stoic image of his brother across the room, only to be faced with the equally painful image of the back of Remus’s head two tables ahead of him where he sits with James and Peter.
The professor seems to be wrapping up whatever lesson he was delivering pre-demonstration, still droning on about something as he pushes the blackboard back and drags the wardrobe containing the boggart forward into the far middle of an open space in the room. They’re instructed to line up alphabetically as the professor starts reading out names, and Sirius doesn’t think much of it except for that he doesn’t want to. He takes his place directly behind Regulus in the line, both of them only a few students back from the front. Regulus seems tense, Sirius thinks as he stares despondently down at his feet. He wonders if it's more about the boggart or about him being there. Probably both.
Sirius doesn’t pay much attention to what’s happening ahead of him. There's shouting, and there’s laughter, and all Sirius can focus on is the memory of Remus looking at him in Dumbledore’s office that day, and the way he could see the love drain out of his eyes as Sirius was forced to explain what he had done. When it’s Regulus’s turn, Sirius lifts his head to watch. The wardrobe opens and a figure starts to step out, and Sirius knows without it needing to even fully appear that it’s their mother. Something awful clenches in Sirius’s chest as he hears the hinges creak, and one sharp heel hits the ground– but then Regulus shouts whatever spell it is that they’re supposed to be learning and what was once their mother is now the Queen of England, tottering about in fancy dress before anyone else in the classroom could ever have figured out what Regulus’s boggart was supposed to be in the first place. Sirius is relieved. He didn’t want anyone to talk. If it had been anything else, Sirius might have been able to listen to whatever spell it is that they’re supposed to be using, but oh well. It’s too late now.
Regulus swivels around and goes back to his seat, planting himself firmly in it and staring ahead like he’s completely unaffected by what just happened. Sirius turns away from him and blinks as he steps forward. The professor says something, but Sirius isn’t really listening. He doesn’t think about the implications of what he’s actually doing before he’s doing it, standing in front of the foreboding wardrobe and watching it creak open again. He has absolutely no idea what he’s supposed to do when it shows up, but he doesn’t really care. It can’t be that bad, he thinks. Surely, if it’s obvious that he doesn’t know and is going to fail, the teacher will step in. So he just stands there and stares at the wardrobe, watching with detached disinterest until Remus Lupin steps out of it and stands in front of him.
He vaguely hears whispers flood the room behind him, but his earlier indifference has been replaced by sheer horror as this version of Remus looks at him with unmasked hatred, walking straight up to him with a disgusted sneer on his face. Sirius makes no move for his wand, or even to open his mouth to say anything. He takes a small step backwards. Remus steps forwards again, looking down his nose at Sirius, and then he opens his mouth and speaks.
“You are a horrible person, Sirius,” he hisses, leaning forward. “You deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to you, you know? I can’t believe I ever thought you were anything but ruined. You are poisonous. That Black blood inside of you is pure fucking evil, Sirius, and you will never, ever escape it. You were such an idiot for thinking you ever could,” Remus spits. “I hate you. I fucking hate you.”
Sirius feels cold all over, shrinking back away from the boggart, eyes wide and face drained of all color. The professor is saying something to him from off to the side but Sirius can’t hear him. He wishes that he would just do something to make this stop.
Sirius opens his mouth, eyes stinging. “I’m sorry,” He whispers, and for a second he thinks that it’s worked because the boggart-Remus turns into a swirling mist in front of him–but that hope is short lived. The mist resettles while Sirius is blinking up at the ceiling to try to keep from crying, and when he looks back down he’s caught completely off guard by the sight of Regulus standing in front of him where the mist had just been. Sirius swallows, brow knitting in confusion. “Reggie?” He asks.
The professor, useless as he is, says, “Use the spell, dear boy! The spell!”
Sirius has no idea what he’s talking about. What spell? Why would he use a spell? He already did whatever he needed to do to make the boggart go away, didn’t he? Sirius shakes his head, focusing back on Regulus as he steps forwards toward Sirius, all perfect posture and clasped hands behind his back and harsh, grey eyes.
“Sirius,” Regulus says, sounding as detached as ever.
“Reggie, what are you doing? We’re in class right now,” Sirius says in earnest, so confused. He’s tired and embarrassed after seeing Remus there, and he just wants to go back to his seat–or flee the room. He can’t decide yet. Probably the latter.
“I think you should do it,” Regulus says, eyes cold as they lock onto Sirius’s.
Sirius feels another jolt of adrenaline shoot through his veins then, a chill making the skin on the back of his neck prickle. “What?” Sirius asks in a small voice, quiet and surprised.
“I think you should do it, Sirius. You’re right. You don’t deserve to be here anymore,” Regulus says, chin tilted up. “I certainly don’t want you here anymore.”
“You…what?” Sirius shakes his head, eyes stinging once again. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why am I doing this?” Regulus laughs humorlessly. “Because I would be so much better off with you dead, Sirius. We all would. Lupin, Potter, his parents,” Regulus lists off harshly, “our parents. There’s a reason they never loved you, Sirius. And there’s a reason no one ever does for long.”
“No one help him, he needs to learn this on his own! The spell! The spell, boy! Use your wand!” The professor shouts, and Sirius shakes his head at him, looking back at Regulus as the tears in his eyes finally spill over.
“I–I know,” Sirius stammers at his brother. “I’m sorry,” he swallows.
“Sorry? Sorry isn’t enough, Sirius. It isn’t enough. I think you should do it. Just get it over with, and make the world a better fucking place. Isn’t that what you’re always yammering on about? Making the world a better place?” Regulus asks with a cruel, clipped tone as he gets closer and closer to Sirius, who is absolutely frozen in place with tears streaming hot and fast down both of his cheeks. “I want you to do it, Sirius. Stop thinking about it and just do it. I want you fucking dea-”
“RIDDIKULUS!” someone shouts as they forcefully push Sirius back into the crowd of students that had gathered behind him.
He stumbles, crying out, “Don’t hurt him!” in his frantic confusion.
Someone stops him from falling and he pushes forwards again, trying to get to whoever is shouting spells at his brother so that he can do something and stop them because no one else seems to be doing much of anything at all–even the whispering has stopped at this point. Tears blur his vision as he moves forward, and he wipes his hand over his eyes to find Regulus staring at a much, much younger version of himself as a grumpy toddler in a too-large Hogwarts uniform, holding his wand out in front of himself with heaving shoulders. Sirius stops short as he takes this in, the pieces coming together only as he watches Regulus walk the toddler back into the wardrobe with his wand and shut it inside. The boggart. It had still been the boggart. Why had the professor not done anything? He can suddenly feel the eyes of everyone in the classroom on him, watching.
Regulus–real Regulus–closes the wardrobe and puts a locking spell on it before he whips around with his wand still out and points it at the professor.
“That,” he spits, pointing with his other hand to the wardrobe, “was fucking disgusting. I cannot believe you’re allowed to teach anyone anything, and I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure that you don’t have a job next year.”
“Mr. Black! You cannot speak to me that way, I am your professor!” the old man stutters indignantly, his neck turning red. “Take your seats right this instant!” he orders, pointing to the desks, and Regulus scoffs.
Without saying a single thing to respond to the professor one way or another, Regulus turns on his heel and looks at Sirius, his gaze more gentle than Sirius has seen it in years. “I’m taking you to McGonagall. Come on.” He reaches out and curls his hand around the back of Sirius’s shaking elbow to lead him through the room. He hadn’t realized he was shaking until now.
The crowd of students parts for them, Regulus glaring at anyone who dares to so much as whisper as they pass by. Sirius keeps his eyes down at his feet, not willing to look up and see what everyone must be thinking of him–especially Remus. Sirius can’t hold back the sob that wrenches itself out of him as they walk, or the jagged, awful breath he forces in afterwards.
“Just keep moving; we’re almost out,” Regulus murmurs to him, and Sirius doesn’t understand why he’s being so nice. Maybe that was a boggart, but it was right. Nevertheless, he keeps moving like Regulus tells him to and tries his best to keep breathing. Just down the hall, Regulus tugs Sirius suddenly off to the side into an alcove partially hidden by a garish statue of a unicorn. Sirius trembles, suddenly terrified that Regulus brought him here just to say the same thing in private. He holds his breath, shoulders and stomach completely tensed up as he braces himself for impact.
Regulus lets go of his elbow and takes a step back, staring at him with an unreadable expression. After a beat he says, “I would never, ever be better off without you. I do not want you dead. I could never want you dead. Do you hear me?” And he sounds so intense that Sirius finds himself believing it despite everything in him screaming that it isn’t true. Sirius swallows hard and Regulus grabs his hands and shakes them a bit. “Do you hear me, Sirius? I could never want you dead.”
Sirius frowns, nodding at his little brother as tears start falling down his face again. “I hear you, Reggie,” he whispers. Regulus gives a curt little nod, and he wraps his hand around Sirius’s elbow again, but it’s tighter this time. Sirius realizes as he looks over him and takes in the pinched expression that Regulus is wearing that he’s scared. Regulus is afraid.
Sirius swallows, nodding again. “I won't…I don’t actually want to…you know.”
“Kill yourself?” Regulus fills in, blunt as ever. Sirius thinks that right now, he might just need to hear Sirius say it.
“Yeah. I’m not going to kill myself,” he whispers, trying to fight back the shame he’s feeling to stay present here with Regulus. This is the most genuine interaction they’ve had since Sirius’s second year, and he can’t afford to ruin this too.
“Good. You remember what Alphard’s suicide did to Mother, and she didn’t even like him,” Regulus says, his grip on Sirius’s elbow remaining firm.
Sirius snorts humorlessly. “You don’t even like me, either.”
Regulus shakes his arm again. “Yes I do. Don’t speak for me,” he frowns.
“Regulus, you don’t even look at me. Ever.” Sirius points out, raising an eyebrow and wiping his eyes with his free hand.
Regulus closes his eyes and sighs deeply, shaking his head. “Merlin, this is awful. Okay, Sirius,” Regulus makes sure Sirius is looking at him before he continues. “I am hurt. You came to school and you…changed. You got new friends, and you started learning all these big ideas, and you weren’t afraid to challenge absolutely everything we were raised to think the second someone told you it was okay to, and you stopped being afraid of Mother and Father, and I couldn’t be like you. I’m not…brave. Like you. That, and you don’t know…anyway,” Regulus shakes his head again, and Sirius frowns.
“And I don’t know what?” he asks.
“Nothing, just,” Regulus frowns back, and the mask slips a bit more. He’s definitely scared. “Mother and Father…they. Merlin, Sirius, this is not the time for this conversation. Just, I don’t not like you. You’re more annoying than anyone else on the planet, but you’re my brother, so that doesn’t matter. Just because things have been…bad…between us, doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you, okay?”
Sirius nods, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Okay,” he says, and clears his throat. “But…what are you not telling me? You said it’s not the time for this conversation, but I’m a bit nervous that this is the only time we’re going to have a conversation, so…might as well?”
Regulus’s grip tightens and he swallows. “Sirius, I can’t.”
“Come on, Reggie, you just saw all of that,” Sirius gestures behind them nebulously in the direction of the DADA classroom. “Whatever it is can’t be that bad,” he says. “Can it?”
Regulus swallows again, dropping his gaze. “Mother and Father were…going to make you take the mark this year. At Christmas or Easter.”
Sirius feels like someone’s dumped ice water on him. He pales again, eyes wide. “Were?” He asks, his voice barely there.
Regulus nods. “Well, are, but they have a backup plan. If you refuse the mark, which you will, they’re going to disown you and have me take it instead.” He breathes it all out in a jumbled rush, cheeks turning red. This is the most rebellious thing Regulus has ever done; telling their parents’ secrets and plans to Sirius. He has no doubt that they instructed him explicitly not to tell Sirius anything.
Sirius swallows, but his mouth is dry. “No. No, Reggie, I won’t let that happen.”
“Sirius,” Regulus’s voice cracks, “you can’t stop it from happening. It’s already going to. They’re going to do it as soon as I turn 16.”
“No, Reggie. I mean I won’t refuse it. I’ll take it.” Sirius says, feeling for all the world like he’s drowning as he does.
“What? No. You can’t do that.” Regulus shakes his head, panic starting to set on his face.
“It’s mine anyway, Regulus. It’s supposed to be mine,” Sirius sighs shallowly. Aside from the day after the September full moon, this might be the worst day of his life so far. “If I do–when I do–do you have somewhere you can go? Someone who can keep you safe so you don’t have to take the mark anyway?”
Regulus frowns deeply. “What are you talking about right now? You told me this summer that you were going to go to the Potters’ house. You’re supposed to get out, Sirius. You. Not me. It can only be one of us, okay? It has to be you. You’re the brave one, I’m not–what are you saying?”
Sirius swallows, shaking his head. “I’m not going to the Potters’ anymore. I…I really fucked up. I’m not…James isn’t my friend anymore. I don’t have anywhere else to go, Reggie. It’s over. If you have somewhere to go, go.”
Regulus pauses, brow furrowed and chin trembling as he looks at Sirius. He looks devastated. “I don’t have anywhere to go, Sirius. None of my friends’ families would take me in,” he shakes his head. “You were supposed to get out,” he whispers, a single tear dropping down his cheek when he blinks.
Sirius swallows harshly, heart clenching painfully in his chest. “What did you mean that ‘it can only be one of us’?”
Regulus shakes his head. “I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore if what you’re saying is true, but…Mother and Father told me that if something happened and you left home, I wouldn’t be allowed to leave or they would find you and- and kill you.”
Sirius closes his eyes, letting the rage he feels wash over him, settle, and turn steely as he swallows it down. There’s nothing he can do about it now, he figures.
“I’ve been pushing you away for a long time, I know that. I was trying to make sure you wouldn’t stay for me or try to get me to go with you,” Regulus admits, voice wobbling. “If I could make you hate me, I thought you wouldn’t be in as much danger.”
Sirius’s heart breaks further, which he didn’t know was possible at this point. “I would have tried to get you to go with me no matter what,” he sniffs. “I already asked James’s parents if they would take you too if I ever ran away.”
Regulus looks shocked, eyes widening slightly. “What did they say?” he asks. He sounds so young.
Sirius gives him a sad smile. “They said yes, of course. They would have been happy to have you.”
“Really?” Regulus asks, so quiet and so, so sad. Sirius watches the hope grow and die in his eyes in 5 seconds flat. Regulus’s eyes well up and a few more tears spill over. “That would have been nice, probably. They must be good people if Mother and Father hate them as much as they do.”
Sirius gives a wet laugh, crying right along with him. “Yeah, yeah, they’re good people. It would have been nice.”
“Well, I guess we’re both stuck then?” Regulus asks, his grip on Sirius’s elbow still tight.
“I guess we are,” Sirius nods, and he pulls Regulus into a crushing hug. When he lets him go he says, “I don’t think Mother and Father could have killed me once I was already out. I think they were just saying that to scare you into staying.”
“Oh,” Regulus whispers, cheeks flushing like he’s embarrassed.
“It’s okay. I would have been too scared to risk it if I were you, too,” Sirius says, and they turn out of the alcove to start back down the hall. “Thanks for saving me back there, by the way. That was…”
“That was unspeakably cruel, is what it was,” Regulus grumbles, wiping his face roughly with his free hand as he needlessly leads Sirius up the staircase towards McGonagall’s office. “I would have done it sooner, but I was waiting for one of those spineless idiots you used to call your friends to do something first.”
“Don’t be mad at them,” Sirius shakes his head. “I deserve it,” he sighs.
Regulus looks at him curiously from the side. “What exactly did you do?”
“I can’t tell you. I would, but that was sort of the problem. I told a secret that wasn’t mine to tell, and well…anyway. I deserve it.”
“No way,” Regulus gasps slightly, eyebrows raised.
Sirius stops walking, turns to look at him. “What?”
“Well…It’s just that Severus has been attempting to spread some rumors about you…and Lupin.”
“Like what?” Sirius asks, for once actually hoping that someone is being homophobic, but knowing in his gut that that isn’t what it is.
“I think you know,” Regulus says with a pointed look, and Sirius sighs. Regulus gasps again. “No way. It’s true? Is that why you call him Moony? That’s such an obvious nickname!”
“Shhhh,” Sirius holds a finger up to his own lips to shush him, looking around the empty hallway with wide eyes. “You can’t say anything, Reggie, really. It could be really, really bad for him.”
Regulus nods solemnly. “Of course not. Did you really try to kill Severus, then?”
Sirius scrunches up his face in shame and distaste, nodding as they start to walk again. “Sort of? I didn’t really mean to. He was just being such a dickhead, and I was just so mad, and well. You know how I get.”
Regulus laughs, “Like you’ve never heard of impulse control in your life? Yeah.” He takes a beat, then laughs again. “Do you remember when Severus’s cauldron exploded last year and he had to spend a full week in the hospital wing?”
Sirius’s jaw drops. “No, Reggie, that wasn’t you, was it?”
“It was,” Regulus confirms with a satisfied, mischievous smirk that Sirius has never seen before. “He’s just so, so miserable, isn’t he?”
“Yeah,” Sirius laughs, shocked that he’s actually smiling today after everything that’s happened. “Yeah, he is, but maybe we should stop trying to kill him,” he chuckles.
Regulus shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe we'll just stop trying to kill him now,” he jokes. “Word is that he’s going to be a death eater too, so we’ll have all the time in the world to do it later.”
They both stop smiling then, the heavy weight of their reality settling on their shoulders. They both have to grieve their freedom, but at least they can do that together now. They walk through the castle quietly after that; Sirius letting Regulus continue to lead him all the way to McGonagall’s office even though he’s definitely calm enough to handle it on his own now. Regulus grumbles a few times along the way about getting the professor fired, but Sirius doesn’t have anything to add. A part of him still thinks that he deserved it, and that even though the Regulus boggart wasn’t right about wanting him dead, the Remus boggart was right on the money. At least, he thinks that until they turn the final corner to get to her office and find Remus, James, and Peter sitting outside of it already.
Sirius and Regulus stop walking as soon as they see them. Peter notices them first, reaching over to nudge James and Remus to get their attention. They stop their conversation, all three of them staring at the two brothers standing side by side with matching puffy, red eyes. Sirius feels all sorts of nervous; a reluctant spark of hope trying desperately to grow in his stomach with the thought that maybe, just maybe, they’re going to forgive him. Beside him, Regulus’s grip on his elbow tightens to an almost uncomfortable point.
“Sirius, hey. Hi Regulus.” James says, clambering to his feet. Peter follows, standing beside him, and Remus stands slightly behind them and off to the side, not looking at Sirius like the other two.
“Hey, Prongs,” Sirius says cautiously, shifting on his feet.
“Listen, um. We had no idea you were feeling like that, and we were talking, and we think that it’s probably time that we all made up,” James says, and he nods resolutely, Peter nodding along with him.
Sirius chews his cheek and sighs. “I don’t want you guys to forgive me out of pity,” he says. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and if you’re just doing this because you feel obligated or something, don’t. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything.”
Peter shakes his head. “No, Sirius, we really do want to make up. We were going to talk to you soon anyway. We all talked about it at The Three Broomsticks this past weekend. We miss you, and you’ve apologized a lot and you seem to really mean it, so, yeah.”
Sirius swallows, brow furrowed, heart rate picking up as the spark of hope grows larger. “I do really mean it. I mean it so much. I am so sorry, really. There’s no excuse, and I can’t apologize enough, I mean, I just really am so sor-”
James cuts him off with a tentative smile. “We know, Pads. I think it’ll still take some time, but really, we want to forgive you. We were going to talk to you soon anyway, but after today we felt like we should probably do it sooner rather than later. What do you think?”
Sirius takes a shuddery breath, looking past James to where Remus is. “It doesn’t matter what I think. Moony?”
Remus winces, fists clenching by his sides and then releasing as he lets out a deep sigh and finally raises his eyes to look at Sirius. “I don’t forgive you,” he says, and the spark of hope in Sirius’s chest starts to fizzle.
“Oh,” Sirius breathes, closing his eyes against the sting.
“I was saying,” Remus continues, sounding vaguely frustrated, “that I don’t forgive you, but I’m tired of being mad at you, and I’m willing to give you another chance.”
Sirius’s eyes snap open, heart fluttering. “Another chance? Moony, I-”
“Not like that,” Remus snaps. “And don’t call me Moony. I just- I don’t know if I even can forgive you. I just…I don’t hate you. Maybe I should, but I just…don’t. Let’s just start there, okay?”
Sirius nods frantically. “I’m sorry, sorry, of course not like that. Thank you, Moo–Remus,” he corrects, nervous. “We’ll start there. Anything you want. I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” Remus nods, and then he crosses his arms and looks away again, but Sirius’s heart still practically soars. The hope in his stomach grows and warms his whole body then as he looks at his friends, here and ready to take him back even now, after the worst thing he’s ever done.
“So…you’ll sit with us at lunch after you talk to McGonagall? We’ll save your spot?” Peter asks tentatively.
Sirius grins. “Yeah! Yeah, of course! Merlin, this day has been insane,” he says, blowing out a deep breath.
James grins with him, and he moves forwards to pull Sirius into a tight hug. As he does, he pulls Sirius’s elbow right out of Regulus’s grasp. “I missed you so much, Pads. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like I hate you or anything like that, and we’re all so sorry that we didn’t step in during class today. You aren’t evil or broken or poisonous, and you’re absolutely not like your family, okay? You made a mistake, that’s all.”
Sirius pulls away from the hug abruptly at the mention of his family, looking around with concern all over his face, but his brother is nowhere to be seen. “Where is Regulus?”
“Oh, he just went that way.” Peter points back to the corridor Sirius and Regulus had come from.
“Shit,” Sirius breathes, and he takes off at a jog. “Regulus!” he calls out. “Reggie!”
Regulus is only a few stairs down, and he pauses, turning to look up at his brother. He’s got tears in his eyes again, a terribly grave expression on his face. Sirius almost trips over his own feet in his haste to get to him, and then it’s his turn to take Regulus by the elbow.
“I’m not leaving you behind, Reggie. I won’t do it,” Sirius says earnestly, holding eye contact so Regulus can see how much he means it.
Regulus swallows thickly, and he glances at the stairs behind him again like he might still go, like he might leave anyway, and Sirius’s heart seizes in his chest. Before Regulus can do anything, he starts tugging him back up the stairs and down the corridor to where his friends are still standing.
“Prongs!” Sirius calls out as they round the corner again.
“Yeah?” James asks, brow furrowed.
“Do your parents have room for one more at christmas?” Sirius asks, refusing to let Regulus go. He hears Regulus take in a sharp breath through his nose, tensing.
James just melts into an easy grin and pushes his glasses up his nose. “Of course! The more the merrier. You know how Mum is.”
Sirius nods and continues. “Yeah, about that. Do you think you would have room for us at Easter as well? And maybe summer? And um…any other time that we aren’t at school…forever?”
James raises his eyebrows, looking at the both of them with blatant surprise. Remus even looks up again, his mouth falling open. “It’s time?” James asks.
Sirius nods, still holding onto Regulus, who seems to be holding his breath. “It’s time.”
“And you’re coming too?” James asks Regulus directly.
Regulus swallows nervously, shrugging. “I- I don’t want to impose. I don’t have to.”
“You’re always welcome at my home, Regulus. My parents are dying to meet you, actually. Sirius has told them a lot,” James smiles, and it must do wonders to reassure him because Regulus turns to Sirius with wide, hopeful eyes like he’s silently asking for permission to say yes.
“It’s okay, Reg. Come with me. Mother and Father won’t be able to make us take the mark or kill us, and the Potters will take care of us. We’ll talk to Dumbledore and McGonagall and the Potters together, yeah? They’ll all make sure that our parents can never touch us again. Please come with me. Please.” Sirius begs. He can’t bear the thought of losing Regulus again.
Regulus swallows. He whispers, “Okay,” and the tears that were welling up in his eyes before finally break. Sirius is flooded with relief as the fear and grief he felt for the both of them just thirty minutes before dissipates entirely, replaced by bright, blinding joy and hope.
Right then, McGonagall’s office door opens and she steps out into the hall with them, arching an eyebrow. “Is anyone going to tell me why you’re all loitering outside of my door?” she asks.
Sirius looks at Regulus, and Regulus looks at Sirius, and they give each other a nod. They’re going to do this, and they’re going to do it now. They step forward together and follow her into her office, Regulus starting to talk before the door is even closed.
“Before anything else happens, I have to insist that you fire the defense against the dark arts professor immediately,” he says, and Sirius smiles, snorting under his breath.
This day has been a roller coaster from start to finish, and it isn’t even lunch time yet. Despite the horror and humiliation that started it off, Sirius wouldn’t change a single thing. He thinks that it had to happen to bring Regulus back to him. He feels lighter with every little detail they explain to McGonagall about their parents–the things they’ve done to them and the plans they had, and he feels lighter as they explain it all again to Dumbledore when McGonagall calls him down, and again when they ask the Potters to floo in immediately to discuss things. The knot that has been in his stomach for as long as he can remember starts to loosen as he and Regulus do everything they can to ensure their safety, and receive the assurance of the adults with them that they will be protected. They’re going to be okay. Neither of them will ever have to step foot in Grimmauld Place again.
By the time Sirius gets to sit in his saved seat at lunch, he’s completely exhausted. He sits in between James and Peter, across from Remus, then sets his head down on the table and promptly falls asleep. Across the great hall, Regulus does the same. Two weeks later, they board the Hogwarts Express and ride back to King’s Cross station in the same cabin, and when they get there Euphemia greets them both with a warm hug as she tells them how excited she is that she gets the honor to take them into her home.
The boggart lesson was awful, and the professor does in fact get fired just like Regulus wanted, but if it were up to Sirius, he would thank the man with his whole heart for doing that awful thing and making it possible to end up where he is as he and Regulus get settled into their new rooms in their new home with their new family. He knows that it won’t be perfect; that he and Regulus are both horribly traumatized. They have so much work to do that it feels almost impossible to even consider, but at least here they have an actual chance, and Sirius believes without a shadow of a doubt that they’re going to make it.
Together.