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Pinq had never really thought about why there were prisons.
Why Irkens had prison planets. Why there were so many, why they had such good funding, why they had such advanced security.
Why-
-exactly-
-did a species that thought every other sentient creature was below it, that would kill without a single thought or hesitation-
-have prisons?
Sometimes there was information that needed to be extracted. Occasionally there was someone with an ability that couldn’t be replicated.
But that didn’t explain why there were so many prisons!
It was-
It was something that didn’t make sense if you actually thought about it, something that didn’t work with the facts about the Irken race.
But it was also something so universally accepted that Pinq had never even stuttered over the thought before.
Why did Irkens have prisons?
It was a mystery that Pinq hadn’t considered a mystery-
But it sure as hell was getting solved right now.
The whole revelation had started as a call, a report.
An Invader had completed a mission, brought a planet to its knees, and just needed extra hands to pick up the pieces. To begin reconstructing the planet into something useful to the empire.
Pinq had been sitting between Red and Purple. The pair of them having dragged her to the couch, pinning her to the cushions as they slumped against her.
Pinq’s back was kept ramrod straight, her bracers keeping her posture up as she reviewed the information in the time before the call, briefing her boys as they munched away on some deep-fried vegetable sticks masquerading as fries.
Pinq had learned that if she added enough batter, they didn’t notice that the texture was different, and with ketchup, it didn’t matter how the fries tasted.
Male Irkens really just considered the fries to be a way to get the sweet sauce to their mouths, only focusing on the sugar.
“-from Tallest Miyuki’s era. The planet was selected for invasion because of the variety of plant life that are apparently very delicious when made into pies.”
The boys kept munching, but Pinq felt them perk up at the mention of more food.
Their appetites were endless, and they loved to try out new foods.
Pinq flicked through more information on the invasion, reading it out loud so that the boys could be on the same page as her.
“Invader Femme has been on this planet for the last 10 cycles. In order to ensure that the plants would not have their biome overly disturbed the Invader chose to involve himself with the rulers of the planet and bring about world peace so that there would not be any excessive resistance once the invasion began.”
Only an Irken could make world peace a bad thing.
“Invader Femme has insured that there are no large-scale weapons and no trained armies. The populace has grown fat and docile with the peace, a fairly large turnaround from before Invader Femme first arrived. In his earlier reports it was stated that the world had been divided between three factions, and that there had been high tensions and constant skirmishes.”
Red hummed.
“If it weren’t for the need to preserve the plants, then it sounds like it would have been fairly simple to just have the natives wipe themselves out of existence with a few attacks pretending to be a different faction.”
Purple swallowed a mouthful of food, “It’s too bad that he couldn’t have just caused a war. I would have liked to see that!”
Pinq kept her antennas from flicking, but Purple still glanced up at her and gave her a little smug look.
He knew that Pinq had a thing about excessive force and violence and liked to tease her about it.
Pinq was fairly certain that he had no clue about how fucked up it was that he was like that. That he would consider the murder of entire planet to be nothing but a good show or a way to tickle her antennas.
Pinq wasn’t even alone in her thoughts about that! It had become clear over the course of their time together that Purple was bloody minded to a degree that even other irkens found unsettling.
And Red was only just barely better.
Red reached over and flicked Purple on the forehead, a gentle warning to not tease her, even while not looking away from Pinq’s screen as the text scrolled down.
Purple squawked like a chicken even as Pinq huffed and wrestled control of her screen back from Red’s digital claws.
“Invader Femme chose the best course of action for his particular assignment; any aggressive approach would have caused damage to the crops and possibly made the areas they are grown too damaged or polluted to support any more harvests.”
Pinq shifted just a bit, nudging the bloody minded Irken a touch.
“Don’t you want to try those pies? Maybe I can make something with the plants myself.”
At the mention of Pinq cooking for them, both Red and Purple both perked up like dogs hearing the word ‘treat’.
It was honestly adorable.
But it was time to take a report, not bribe her fellow Tallests.
With a bit of shoving and shifting, Pinq managed to get the boys to sit up straight, it was a important to make a good impression here.
This was an INVADER! The best of the best, and the first Invader that they were taking a report from since they had been declared the Tallest.
This report would be recorded and available for any Irken to view, and while it was far from the first time that the empire had seen her boys flopped all over each other and shoving food in their faces, this was a milestone for their rule.
It would be one of the first things that would be looked up if, for whatever reason, someone was doing research on their rule.
And as the first triple Tallest rulers, there would be someone.
And so, though still eating food, Pinq got the boys to sit up and look pretty just in time for the giant screen to light up in front of them and show them Invader Femme.
. . . what the fuck.
“My Tallest! Invader Femme reporting in. I have captured the three rulers of this planet, and while they cannot be found, then I will be considered the sole authority. It will be simple to inform the populace that their Queen demands their submission to the Empire, and they will do as I bid.”
Pinq was flabbergasted, and even Purple couldn’t find the words to respond to what the hell they were seeing.
The screen showed them an Irken with curly antennas. He was around 5’8 with bright glittering pink eyes.
Invader Femme was wearing a dress made of glittering black fabric, had a delicate tiara balanced on his head and what looked like a whip in one hand.
He was standing in front of three aliens who were all trussed up in red rope like they had just volunteered for a shibari demonstration.
The aliens were big, sorta looking like if a gorilla had an extra pair of arms and legs to match. They were all different colors and looked like they had all lived wildly different lives.
But they all looked like their hearts were being ripped out and stomped on.
One of the aliens, a large black furred one, managed to find his voice before Pinq and the boys did.
“D-darling? What is- what’s going on? Why do you look like that? Who’s on the screen?”
Invader Femme didn’t turn from the screen, but cracked the whip like it was second nature, the end of it striking the ground in front of the bound alien.
The alien tried to jerk back with a yelp but was too firmly bound to move.
“Silence! You are in the presence of real power now, and you will stay your tongue.”
Another alien, this one a rusty gold color, began to struggle in his bonds. The alien snarled as he tried to rip himself free of the rope. “I knew it! I knew it- you were too good to be true! How could someone be so perfect? So lovely! It was fake! All of it! All the things you said, all the time we spent together, every touch, every kiss! Lies, lies, lies-“
Invader Femme turned away from the screen, letting Pinq and the boys see that the dress was apparently backless, Invader Femme’s PAK sitting alone on his back, only some dangling jewelry to cover it.
“HA! Of course, it was lies! I am an Invader! The best of the Irken empire! You shouldn’t feel to put out though. You didn’t have a chance to ever see though my act, to ever catch on to how I was playing you. I am just that good.”
The red alien snarled again, almost toppling himself onto his face as he tried to lunge forward, apparently too angry to continue speaking.
The last alien, a mustard yellow furred one, only watched Invader Femme with tears in his eyes.
“The whole time . . . our entire marriage . . . all those nights we spent together . . . did they mean nothing?”
Invader Femme rounded on the last alien, his dress spinning around him, but unlike with the other two aliens, he didn’t yell at this one.
Not so say that his words weren’t cruel however.
“Those years, those nights, they were all so that I could reach this moment. So that I could hand over your planet to my superiors and-“
Purple finally found his voice.
“What are you wearing!?”
Purple’s eyes were huge, and he looked utterly fascinated at the glitter and cut of the fabric, eyes tracking the way the skirt moved when Invader Femme turned back around.
Being asked such an inane question while gloating had apparently thrown Invader Femme for a loop. But he still answered promptly.
“This- this is a dress my Tallest. It’s some of the standard wear for the females on this planet. I apologize that I did not have the time to return to my uniform before calling-“
“I like it! Send some over with the plants when the carriers arrive! As many as you can and in the tallest sizes!”
Pinq, brain not really there, but her manager reflexes being activated, said “No. Just- send fabric and design plans. Purple, those dresses are made for vastly different body types, if you want to wear one it will have to be made to your specifications.”
Purple didn’t even blink, taking Pinq’s words easily and adjusting his demands, “Yeah! What she said! Fabric and designs!”
Invader Femme, a true professional just responded, “At once my Tallest.”
And then Red spoke up.
“You referred to yourself as . . . Queen?”
Invader Femme nodded, cocking his hip and cracking the whip for emphasis.
“Yes, Queen is the title granted one who has married a King! King is the title of a ruler, making me the second in command.”
Invader Femme gestured with the whip toward the three aliens behind him. “They were all kings, and I married each of them! It granted me total control over this world and let me turn them peaceful and weak.”
Red nodded, seeming to be regarding this information simply.
But Pinq was . . .
Doing her best to restrain herself.
Had-
Had this Invader seduced all three of these aliens? Was there a translation error happening right now?
Surely, she wasn’t hearing what she thought she was hearing-
But did she want to get it clarified?
Because what if she wasn’t mistaken!?
(had that irken fucked those aliens!?)
HOW!? There’s no dick!? Or vagina!?!? We’re like dolls down there!?
She didn’t want to know, she knows that she didn’t want to know, and she was going to ask a question relevant to the mission because the Invader was looking at her like she was supposed to say something so she might as well-
Don’tfuckingsayitdon’tfuckingsayit-
“Did you have intercourse with all of the aliens behind you?”
Damn it!
Invader Femme’s eyes lidded, giving Pinq a hooded look as his lips curled up.
“Yes. Yes I did.”
Absolutely no follow up, just hands on his hips and a proud look on his face.
. . .
“Ok, great!”
Pinq, in an effort to not think about what the fuck, threw up a screen and started to do her job.
“Congratulations Invader Femme, you have done your empire a great service. So- the reinforcements that you requested are on their way, and there’s already an extraction team coming to your location. Are there any other requests that you have? As an Invader who has just completed a mission, you are owed a boon from the empire for your good work.”
The three aliens continued to question, struggle, and cry behind Invader Femme, but despite the ruckus they were making, his request came through loud and clear.
“I want these three to be taken as prisoners and placed on this Prison planet, and kept to these specifications.”
Half of the screen was suddenly filled with scrolling text, listing a prison planet and the laundry list of atmospheric, dietary, and entertainment needs for the prisoners.
Pinq was a little confused, but agreed.
“Of course, if that is your request then it shall be done.”
It was nothing more than a few messages sent out to ensure that the reinforcements would know to expect prisoners.
There were a few more pleasantries traded, a few more pleas from the aliens behind the Invader, and a few more comments and requests from both Red and Purple.
But Pinq?
Pinq was trying to keep from looking at the aliens behind the Invader, to not look at their pleading faces, at their naked bodies.
(oh god, had Invader Femme lured them in with promises of weird BDSM foursome sex!??)
Trying to keep from being guilty at how she was helping ruin their lives-
But also trying so hard to not think about how on Irk that Invader managed to have sex with them.
So, she did what she always did when she was trying not to think of something-
She worked.
Pinq started to set up the accommodations for the aliens that were being taken captive, going through the list and having rooms be prepared to take them.
. . . and she noticed some odd requests.
The foods that were listed to be given to them were . . . fancy. Foods that Irkens considered decadent, and a few that had to be native to the planet they were being taken from.
The temperatures of the rooms were vastly different, one being quite chilled while the others were fairly mild. The bedding differed as well, with heavy blankets to hammocks.
And that wasn’t even touching the entertainment to be given to them to ensure that they stayed sane during their captivity.
Books, music, shows, even art supplies!
. . . were these prisoners or pets?
Pinq was confused to say the least.
This seemed excessive.
These prisoners were getting better accommodations then she did as a manager, surely this wasn’t normal?
And then she dipped into the information for the other prisoners kept at that prison, just a random assortment, and she was astounded.
They had the best food, endless entertainment, and such specific accommodations that it might as well have been a hotel.
What the fuck?
Were these prisoners important or something?!
But no, as Pinq looked and looked, leaving her body behind as she sank deeper and deeper into this-
This-
Misuse of resources!
Pinq looked at a random assortment of prison planets from across the galaxy, at random accommodations and-
Why were prisoners being treated better than soldiers? Then managers?
Why was the empire sinking so much into PRISONERS!?
But than she saw the names.
They weren’t important names, weren’t relevant names-
But the prisoners had their names listed and acknowledged.
And Irkens don’t do that for enemies.
Irkens don’t learn their enemy’s names, don’t try to see them as anything more than an obstacle.
That doesn’t stop names from being learned of course, but often times a soldier will go out of their way to not learn a name and that’s because-
Only Irkens have names.
Well, not really, but there was a theme that Pinq had noticed during her time as an Irken. During her time as a smeet, a manager, and a soldier.
Irken’s don’t kill Irkens.
Not directly.
Its- it’s just something that they can’t really do.
An Irken can get another Irken killed.
They can play fast and loose with the rules when they know someone might get hurt, abandon a teammate to their fate, not pay attention when they drive into a crowd or where they’re aiming when they shoot a gun.
But they can’t put a gun flush to another Irken’s back and pull the trigger.
It all has to be indirect and the other Irken’s own fault.
They should have been paying more attention, they should have moved, they should have known better.
And apparently, if what Pinq has noticed and remembered from that children’s TV show so long ago-
If an Irken knows someone’s name, then they don’t directly kill them.
They start to treat the enemy like they’re- like they’re a person- like they’re an Irken!
It seems to be the loophole.
If you have a name, then you’re a person, and if you’re a person, then you’re an Irken, and if you’re an Irken, then you can’t be killed directly.
The Irkens start to really interact with the enemy, to actually get to know them, to have to outsmart them or trick them. Because it’s not longer as simple as shooting a gun to remove them.
Banter, tricks, and supervillain deathtraps that can be escaped as long as the opponent is smart.
There always has to be a chance to survive.
But what happens when Irkens win the war, but don’t kill their enemies?
. . .
Prisons must be where Irkens put their enemies when they win.
But-
That level of comfort? That’s not something you do for an enemy!
That’s something you do for someone you love! That you respect! You do things like that for people you want to keep happy!
. . .
No.
Surely not.
Pinq, in her electric mind, hovering amongst the infinite data that the empire had acquired, that being the Tallest opened up for her, paused.
She jolted to a stop at the idea that Irken’s could love something other than a Tallest.
And at her pause she was slammed back into her body, losing the momentum of her electric mind and jolting like she had been zapped, shocked at suddenly getting the sensation of her body back.
Pinq blinked.
Why was the screen tilted? Why was it dark?
Pinq finally managed to get her bearings, only to find that during her info searching the boys had put her on her side.
Pinq turned her head just enough to look up and see Red, absentmindedly eating over her head and dropping crumbs on her.
Pinq’s antennas wiggled, knocking crumbs off of her.
Pinq started to shift, trying to lever herself back up, but her legs were firmly squeezed.
Pinq managed to wiggle enough to see what the hell Purple was doing, but he was just hugging her legs to him as he ate and-
Flipped through a screen showing various dresses?
Purple, aware of his surroundings as always, tilted his screen toward Pinq.
“Do you think this would look good on me? I can’t decide between long or short!”
Pinq looked at the dress, some sort of mermaid cut being modeled by a slender four-armed crab alien.
“ . . . not that one. The tight skirt would restrict your walking stride. Maybe something with a slit up the thigh?”
Purple’s antennas perked up, “Ooooh! That would look wonderful!”
And he started to flick faster through the pictures, pausing ever now and then to ogle over an image before moving on.
Pinq, kinda thrown by this conversation already, looked up at Red.
There was still a chance that sense could be made.
“How long was I under?”
Red, looked down at her, an antenna raised.
“About twenty minutes. It was a short dive this time, but I was planning to pull you out if it lasted more than hour.”
Pinq sighed, happy to not have lost hours. There were more things that she had to do today.
It would have been best to have been more involved with the Invader but-
. . . there was no recovering from all of that.
Pinq let her head fall back, accepting the crumbs that fell on her face from Red’s eating.
This was her life.
A temporary three-way ruler of an evil galactic empire. She could have a billion lives ended with a few words, and not only would no one try to stop her, but the two boys under her would cheer.
She was in charge of an empire of crazy blood thirsty half-starved weirdos who would apparently seduce three people at once and find a way to have sex with them despite not having the necessary bits to do so!
In charge of individuals that would imprison their battle-field crushes and keep them comfortable.
And unlike with the one apparently dommy Invader, the prison thing was so deeply ingrained into their culture that no one, not even her, was even questioning it!
. . . at least this explained why Zim was still alive and only exiled despite nearly everyone wanting him dead.
He always screamed his name, so every Irken couldn’t even convince themselves that he wasn’t a ‘person’.
And putting him in a ‘prison’ would be putting him near everyone’s carefully protected lovelies.
. . .
Shit on a stick, Irkens were such weirdos!
Were all of them ultra-possessive bastards that literally lock up the people they care about? Pack them away in a prison just so-
Well, Pinq supposes that it wasn’t like they would want their lovelies to be killed during the invasion or the cleansing, but do they even visit? Can they visit?
Pinq couldn’t imagine the prisoner would want to see the Irken that ruined their life.
Red dusted some of his crumbs off of Pinq’s head, and Purple apparently found something he really liked the look of, cooing and wiggling beneath her legs.
Pinq sighed again.
There had to be a middle ground, some way to make Irkens give a shit about others without going full ‘lock you their basement’ obsessed.
Maybe if she just made every Irken learn the names of all aliens they ever came into contact with?
Just have every alien introduce themselves like they were contestants on the bachelor! Really get them involved with some Reality TV-
Pinq froze.
Her eyes darted toward Red -toward Purple -toward the screen.
Irkens were primed from birth to be susceptible to parasocial relationships. It’s what made them love their Tallests on sight despite having no reason to.
. . .
What if she really did get the entire empire hooked on Reality TV? What if she really did get them all attached to a bunch of random aliens through a screen?
. . . you can’t kill an entire species when your empire is emotionally invested in their drama with each other, now can you?