Work Text:
If he was being honest with himself, Roman Prince would be willing to admit that perhaps not all his decisions were thought through.
Like lying to his parents about having a girlfriend.
If he was being completely honest with himself, that decision might just take the cake for one of his worst ideas yet. Because not only is he very single, he’s also very gay.
And he’s supposed to bring his girlfriend to dinner next week.
Yeah, it’s official. He’s an idiot.
Remus is laughing. He doesn’t think he can fault his dear brother for that- were the situation not happening to him, he would agree that it’s absolutely hilarious. Something straight out of a particularly trope-y romcom.
Unfortunately, it is happening to him. And his twin is being an absolute asshole.
“Remus,” he hisses, digging his nails into the fabric of his jeans, “Stop laughing and fucking help me.”
Remus finally stops rolling around on the floor, wheezing as he sits up. “H- help? Roman, Romano, brother of mine, Prince Dumbass- there is no helping you here .”
“Remus,” he groans, falling back onto the bed in misery.
“Roman,” Remus shoots back, drawing the “o” out unnecessarily long. “You literally fanfic troped yourself. That’s exactly what you did.” He bursts into another round of uncontrollable laughter, tapping Roman’s knee rapidly. “No! That’s not exactly what you did! You fanfic troped yourself- homophobically! ”
“I know,” he whines, tugging his hands through his hair. “I know! What was I supposed to say, Re? “Hey, parents who totally wouldn’t be happy if any of your children came out as queer? Well, not only was the kid you saw me kissing at the park the other night not a girl like you thought, but also he isn’t my partner! He was just a good kisser!” Yeah, like that’ll go over well, Remus.”
“That was definitely not what I would recommend you say,” his twin replies dryly. “Absolutely not. You say that and you might just manage to beat me as the family disappointment.” He pauses, then shrugs. “Well. At least until they find out I’m gay as hell too.”
“Well,” Roman breathes out. “Fuck us, eh?”
“Last I checked, I’m the only one getting fucked. You’re single, ‘member? That’s your whole problem here, isn’t it?”
“I hate you,” he says without much feeling. Remus laughs again, climbing up beside him on the bed.
“Just tell dear ol’ mum ‘n pops that you broke up,” he suggests, pulling a lighter out of his pocket. “Mind if I smoke?” he adds, and Roman frowns.
“They’ll definitely notice the smell, and I’m sure as hell not getting busted for your bad life choices.”
Remus pouts, fishing through the many pockets of his cargo shorts for what Roman is sure is a pack of cigarettes. “I’ll smoke out the window. Even make sure to spray perfume after, too.”
“Fine.” He doesn’t really care, honestly. If Remus wants to rot his lungs- let alone face their parents’ wrath for rotting his lungs -then who is Roman to stop him? It’s not like he expects Remus to live long enough for it to matter, anyway. He doesn’t want his brother to die, far from it, but he’d always privately assumed Remus’s story would cut off with a disastrous and illegal bang in his early twenties. Just a gut feeling, honestly. Sounds like a Remus thing to do. “Anyway,” he adds as Remus crawls onto his windowsill and pops the window open, “I can’t tell them I broke up.”
Remus throws him a glance, huffing his acid-green bangs out of his eyes. Their parents always hated that color. “Why not?”
“Cause they think this is my first relationship since Mina.” He shutters a bit at her name- an arranged freshman relationship with his parents’ friends’ daughter was far from his finest moment. Especially considering he’d only spoken to her like, twice in those horrible six months. “If I say, just a few days before the dinner, that I broke up, they won't believe me. They’ll assume I'm embarrassed about bringing her since this is my first real relationship- Mina does not count, Remus, shut your mouth.”
His brother snaps his jaw closed, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout as he considers this. “Damnit. You’re right, they would.”
“So…” he sighs listlessly.
“So,” Remus agrees, finally finding his cigarettes. He snaps the lighter open- it’s black, with green tentacles on one side and a yellow snake on the other. His asshole boyfriend had gotten it for him as a birthday present last year, and Remus adores the thing.
Okay, maybe calling Janus an asshole boyfriend is unfair. He is an asshole, and a boyfriend, but Roman won’t deny that he’s a very good boyfriend. An asshole to everyone else, sure, but far from it when it comes to Remus.
He’s too distracted thinking about it that when Remus exclaims “fake dating!” he may or may not have startled so bad he hit himself in the face.
“What?” he winces, hand over his aching jaw.
“Fake dating!” Remus repeats joyously. “That’s how this trope always goes!”
“You read too much fanfiction.”
Remus waves his now-lit cigarette at him. “This ain’t just fanfiction. Think about it. In every book, movie, and T.V. show, whenever a character claims to have a partner for an event and doesn’t, they end up fake dating someone to keep up appearances!” He pauses, taking a drag of smoke before adding, “And then the characters end up real dating. But that’s not my point.”
Roman blinks at him, bewildered. “You think… I should get… a fake girlfriend?”
“I think you should get a real boyfriend,” he shoots back, “but that isn’t going to help this situation, so yes. I do.”
It’s an absurd idea. Too ridiculous to even begin to entertain.
It also might work .
“Okay,” he says slowly. “Yeah. I’m listening. Who-”
“Oh, fuck if I know.” Remus pauses, blowing smoke out the window and into the night outside. God, their parents better not see or he will legitimately shove his brother out that very window.
And it’s three stories up. It would hurt.
“You’re the one with the good ideas,” Remus continues, “you figure it out. Ask one of your friends to do it as a favor or something.”
“I thought of that,” he responds, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. There’s a notebook on the side table- he grabs it and starts writing down names. Then crossing out the names. “Our parents know all my friends already. I could ask someone like Valerie to do it, but then they’d ask why they didn’t know sooner.”
“Oh.” Remus takes another drag, blowing the smoke out in rings. “Damnit.”
“Yeah.”
Remus tilts his head, brow furrowed in concentration. “Why not ask one of your adoring fans? You’re the hottest commodity at school- ask one of those drooling idiots to do it. I’m sure they’d agree.”
“And put my fate in the hands of some rando I don’t know? No thank you.”
“Do you have a better suggestion? Cause I’ve been makin’ plenty and all you’ve been doin’ is shuttin’ them down.”
He groans, dropping his head on the notebook and nearly taking out his eye with the pen. “No, Remus. I don’t.”
“I’ll start planning your funeral,” his twin replies mournfully, and he doesn’t even think Remus is joking. They lapse into silence as he considers all the ways this dinner is going to end his life.
One, his parents find out he lied and they hate him.
Two, his parents think he’s nervous and will never let up about his “girlfriend” again.
Three…
His parents find out he’s gay.
And disown him.
Probably.
Okay, maybe not disown. After all, Remus still hadn’t been disowned, and he…
Roman glances at his brother, with his dyed hair and piercings and tattoos poking out beneath ripped shorts and fishnets, a cigarette held loosely in one hand and smoke billowing from his lips.
…if he hadn’t, it was doubtful Roman would ever be. Doubtful, but not impossible.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best. If he does get kicked out, Patton would let him stay at his place, right? He likes Patton’s folks- they smile brightly, and listen when he tells them about his day, and have never gotten upset if Patton brings home anything less than a perfect A. And, most importantly, they didn’t get mad when Patton got together with Logan.
But he can’t just subject Patton’s family to another mouth to feed- he may not have a great grasp on money as a concept, being rich and all, but he does know kids are expensive. And Patton already has three siblings-
“Virgil!”
He jerks at Remus’s voice, definitely stabbing himself in the eye this time. “What?” he chokes out, wincing in pain.
Remus grins. “I know who can be your fake date! Virgil!”
The name rings a faint bell. It’s one of Remus’s weird loner friends- possibly his only friend, if you didn’t count Janus and Roman. Virgil… Roman had met him before, once- not at school, their school was not the kind of school people like Janus and Virgil went to, but one time, when Remus had trashed his car and Roman had had to go pick him and Virgil up on the side of the road at three am. He doesn’t remember much about Virgil, other than that he’s quiet and snarky and, in Roman’s personal opinion, rather attractive. In the moonlight, he remembers Virgil’s pale features and dark hair and eyes lending to an otherworldly, fae-like feeling. A god from one of his stories, or perhaps something more akin to a vampire, beautiful and deadly.
Or maybe he’s just a hopeless romantic who’s misremembering a chance encounter that happened over a year ago at three in the morning. It’s not like he’d know. Remus doesn’t exactly bring his friends home- Roman can count on one hand how many times he’s met his brother’s boyfriend of two years.
“Problem with that,” he says, realizing he’s spent far too much time sitting there in silence. “Virgil is a boy.”
Remus laughs. “Good observation, numbskull!”
“Remus, this lie is so our parents don’t figure out I’m queer-”
“Thoughta that already,” his brother drawls. “Virgie is trans. And not on t. All he’s gotta do is wear a dress, remember the pronouns he’s supposed to be using, raise his voice a few octaves- it’ll work. Trust me.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. “Remus, I am not going to ask your friend to come pretend to be my date and get misgendered all night.”
Remus shrugs. “He won’t care. Cross my heart, hope to die. Pay him for it- it’ll be like a job. He pretended to be a chick for sixteen years, Romano, I’m pretty sure he’ll be willing to do it one more night. Then, in a few weeks, you come home crying with a sob story about how the two of you broke up, and boom. You get our parents off your back and Virgie gets some easy cash. Foolproof plan.”
“ Not a foolproof plan,” he objects, but as he considers it more…
Well. It’s also not the worst plan.
He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he stands, gesturing to Remus’s phone. “Fine. Let’s ask him.”
“Now?” Remus asks, although he’s already pulling the phone out of his pocket and Roman can see the contact of “emo nightmare” on his screen.
“Yeah. Right now. If he says no, I need time to think of another plan.”
And if he says yes… well. He needs time to get acquainted with his new fake date.