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The first time, he’d assumed he just ate some expired hotdogs.
Because, like, what else was he supposed to think? Ghosts were real? Nah. No way. Either that or he was losing his mind which was a prospect he refused to entertain out of fear. No, whatever that vision was it had to be a one-off.
He’d awoken early, by his own standards, for once. The clock on the wall across from his bed told him he’d almost not missed the hotel breakfast. Normally this would be cause for celebration. Except, that this day for some bizarre reason, he couldn’t move. It wasn’t Adia sleep koala-ing him either- the sight of her pyjamas thrown unceremoniously on the floor (he had to do everything around here) told him she was out for her morning run. No, whatever held him down in that bed was stronger than any unfairly-tall woman or even his own laziness. It was an all encompassing, full body paralysis, that, had it not gone against the name, would have had him screaming in terror.
His mind instantly went to an episode of a show he’d binge watched in his Bad Years. ‘This is it’, he’d thought. He’d been stung by the wrong bug or stepped on the wrong plant and now he was paralysed and they were gonna bury him alive. In his defence, his brain wasn’t awake enough to process basic facts like medical exams or autopsies. All he knew was a sheer, primal terror, that, as you can imagine, only got exponentially worse when he spotted a figure in the corner of his room.
His jaw stayed stubbornly clenched shut while he tried to scream for help. Cliche of horror movie cliches, it was a young girl. She was asian, with a side ponytail and was notably dressed more modernly than one would expect a typical creepy child ghost. Her clothes were bright enough to rival his collection of Hawaiian shirts that Adia hated.
His eyes, the only part of him he could move, locked onto her in his periphery. She didn’t move from her menacing stock pose, with her arms by her side. Though, in his many nights replaying the memory in his mind, he swears he saw her smile…
If she did, it was too quick to register in the moment, as Adia opened the door with a loud click and his body finally responded to his frantic attempts to move it. Gasping like he’d just been trapped underwater, Scratch sprang up to a sit, drenched in a cold sweat.
In the corner of the room there was nothing.
-
The second time it just got more creepy.
He woke up in the middle of the night this time, heartburn from the heavy spice of the local cuisine dragging him reluctantly into consciousness. It took a few seconds to register the returned paralysis in his groggy daze, though the cold realisation washed over him as his attempts at a yawn yielded silence. Once again, his jaw was locked shut.
With Adia beside him this time, he’d attempted to get her attention somehow, but his arms remained equally frozen, his body held down into the mattress with the force of a truck. That was when the girl appeared in the corner again.
It was much more startling in the dark, the whites of her eyes catching the faint reflection of the moon through the cracks in the curtains as if she were really there. Like the last time, she stayed staring at him, though, unlike the last time, he heard her speak.
“Are you ok?”
It was kinder than he’d expected. There was no creepy monotone or menacing undercurrent to the words. She spoke them like any concerned friend would. If anything it unnerved him more.
He didn’t wake up quite so quickly this time, unfortunately, and for the next few minutes he stayed locked in an unwilling staring contest with the strange ghost girl, trying to figure her out. Her mouth slowly turned downwards into a frown as she watched him, until one moment he blinked and she was finally gone. He wriggled his fingers, just to check, and sure enough they moved.
Needless to say, he woke more than just Adia that night freaking out.
-
She wasn’t much help. At first, she’d tried to spook him, claiming her to be the ghost of some kid who died there long ago~
“Funny.” He pushed her away, rolling his eyes, while she giggled. “But you know I don’t believe in ghosts. Besides- I’ve seen her before, back in Thailand. That’s pretty damn far away for a spirit bound eternally~ to La Choza Promedio Motel.”
“Well, maybe she’s bound to you.” Adia shrugged.
“Right.” He said sarcastically. “Oh, yeah. No one a teenage girl would have more investment in than an old man with an attitude problem.”
“You never know.” Adia giggled.
“Nah. I think I’m goin’ with this ‘sleep paralysis’ thingy.” He’d pointed to his phone pulled open to a medical QnA site. “Probably just somethin’ my brain made up based on an old horror flick I watched. I don’t think it means anything.” Really. Ads needed to stop being so spiritual.
“If you’re sure…”
“I am.” He’d been about to step away from the conversation then too, sure he’d won, when she said something that made him freeze up.
“But you know…the human mind can’t make up faces.”
-
The next time he saw her was a few weeks later and he’d be lying if he said she didn’t make him jump. Metaphorically, of course. His stupid body couldn’t cooperate even enough for that.
“I’m not afraid of you.” He’d told her, once he’d steeled his nerves. The words wouldn’t come out of his mouth, but since she was just in his head he figured thinking would work just fine.
“Why would you be afraid of me?” The girl replied, tilting her head as though sad. It…wasn’t the response he’d been expecting. Frankly, he wasn’t even sure if he was expecting a response at all.
“Because you’re watching me sleep!” He’d argued back out of habit, growing offended, despite this hallucination not even being real or having the sentience to insult him. “Seriously! Who does that?!”
The girl frowned again. “I didn’t choose to be here. You’re the one who wanted to see me.”
What the hell was she talking about? “Why would I want to see you? I don’t even know who you are!”
At this, the girl looked sad again, and retreated further out of his peripheral vision. It made his fight or flight kick in, losing track of the threat, and he shouted desperately after her to stop with a voice that would have wavered in fear if it could. It was an agonisingly long series of seconds before he finally got the words out loud enough to wake Adia.
She’d stared at him with annoyed, tired eyes, glancing back and forth between his face and the empty corner of the room where he gazed, before rolling over with an annoyed grumble. He wished he could get back to sleep as quickly as her, but the ghost girls words wouldn’t stop playing in his mind.
-
She came more times after that. So many he lost count. Eventually, it became routine to wake up frozen to the spot with her eyes on him and he stopped reacting with aggression. The calmer he got, the less intimidating the child seemed. Each and every day he became more and more aware of just how small she was…how innocent her eyes were, not at all like the sunken features of many a horror movie cliche. In many ways, she looked just like an ordinary child he might see on the street, and that was something he didn’t know how to feel about.
‘Why her?’ He thought often. If his brain wasn’t intentionally trying to scare him, then what was she doing here?
One morning, as they were silently sharing the space together, he put the pieces together. “You’re that girl from the bus stop.” His eyes widened as the realisation washed over him. When he tried to relive the memory consciously her features looked vague, as any stranger’s would; not important enough for the brain to catalogue. But evidently, it had catalogued her face somewhere down the line and chosen it out of a lineup to scare him to death on a morning. When he looked at her then, he could fill in the gaps in that memory. The jean jacket with a homemade badge pinned to it featuring a, presumably hand drawn, cartoon ghost… The dark brown eyes flitting between excitement as he told her his plans and a strange melancholy he couldn’t find a clear cause for…. That smile that had looked so friendly and inviting he couldn’t help but spill his whole excited guts to her in anticipation…
Why she was here now though was a mystery. He’d had many such encounters on his travels- nice but brief interactions that he’d remember fondly, but barely.
The girl’s eyes widened along with his, as though also processing this fact. Then, she smiled again, in the same way as that fateful day. “Yeah.” She said. “It’s me.”
And Scratch still doesn’t know why but he felt a sting of guilt. Because that smile was sweet and genuine but it was also disappointed- almost grieving. He felt sure his brain catalogued that particular detail from the day too but what he said to cause this child distress he couldn’t for the life of him figure out.
As his thoughts and the girl faded away, he found himself left awake and alone.
-
“Adia thinks you’re a ghost.” He thought absently one morning as he watched her across the room. She’d laughed to herself, like he’d told a joke he wasn’t aware of.
“That would be silly. Ghosts aren’t real.” She quoted him, almost teasingly. He nodded in spirit.
“Yeah. You’re just, y’know,” In leu of being able to actually move, he just imagined a series of vague, wobbly gestures. “Weird brain junk.”
“Right. Who can fathom the mysteries of your mind?”
“See? You get it.” Probably because she was a part of him. “Still dunno why my brain picked you out in particular though.” Were he able, he’d have furrowed his brow. “You’re just…some random kid.”
The girl wouldn’t look at him. “Yeah. Just some random kid.”
The silence felt awkward. Which was ridiculous, he was literally talking to himself- like, who was there to feel awkward with? But it was undeniable. Maybe it was because there had been something nagging at him recently that he wasn’t telling her… and by extension himself.
“Do you think…” She met his eye and he had to look away then, clawing back the tiny bit of control he had in this conversation. Even telling Adia this worry had been too hard so far. Thankfully, his body allowed him to swallow in this state, as he felt a lump form in his throat.
“…Do you think… you’re trying to tell me that I regret leaving Brighton?” There was a long pause as he waited for her response. Anxiety bubbled up inside him, and he dreaded the answer his, no-doubt brutally honest, subconscious would give.
If he were to admit that he was still scared, that he was still that coward, how could he keep up the act anymore? How could he bring himself to leave this hotel room and continue risking it all, if his own brain made him confront that this wasn’t who he was? How disappointed would Adia be in him?
…How disappointed would he be in himself?
He waited for the answer, imagining sand slipping through his frozen fingers. It was supposed to be ‘grounding’, Adia’s self help books said. To him it just felt like a cruel and overused metaphor for his life.
He waited until the silence started to hurt his ears, until the sand ran dry and he found his fingers twitched at his command.
-
The grass was bathed yellow in the light of the setting sun. His sandals crushed them under-sole indiscriminately.
“You gotta…stop forcing me…on these things…” He gasped for air, collapsing unceremoniously to his butt on the cliffside. Sweat ran down his brow from the long uphill hike, and his shirt was no doubt beyond ruined at this point.
“So dramatic.” Adia teased, panning her phone to him. Embarrassed at being seen in such a pathetic state, he held his hand up to the camera lens with a grimace. His friend just laughed and pointed the camera at the sunset.
“Look at this beautiful view!” She enthused for the camera. She’d had some more to say to her blikblock followers or whatever, but Scratch found the words becoming fuzzy as he gulped down half a bottle of water. It was hardly a graceful or dignified sight, him collapsed on the ground with sweat-stained pits and water dribbling down his chin. He could see why Adia ended up the (minor) celebrity between the two of them. Sure, he’d been into theatre back in highschool but, just like always, he hadn’t had the commitment to follow through. He could act in his room, alone, reading out copies of scripts he’d stolen, but to actually go on stage and audition, as anything more than a stage hand, required him to put himself together visually, learn the social skills to charm audiences…
…And, well. Be brave enough to risk being laughed at.
It was easier not to bother.
Nobody ever laughed at Adia. As a kid he’d been jealous of that- and, ok, maybe he still was a little bit now. She was just so effortlessly cool and charismatic. He’d seen her go on that same, awful, grueling hike as him, yet instead of collapsing into a puddle, she was now beaming like the sun itself, her voice still full of energy and awe. The sun highlighted her dimples and curls as she narrated the beauty of the wildlife to her followers with an enthusiasm that could captivate audiences worldwide.
His fond smile fell as, in his slightly dizzy, exhausted haze, he felt sure he spotted a figure out across the clearing. Her form wavered in the corners of his vision, unable to form solidly while he was fully lucid. But he knew what she was trying to tell him.
There was a reason Adia was always the one up here and not him.
As he stared at out at the gorgeous sunset and Adia’s long missed smile, he told himself he wanted to go home. The sooner he accepted it the better.
-
“Why are you so quiet lately?” Adia asked as she crawled into the sleeping bag next to his. He kept his eyes on the tent ceiling, lost in thought.
“…The girl keeps coming back.” He answered after a long pause. It was nothing short of a non-answer, but he was a coward to the end and couldn’t bring himself to tell her what she wanted.
“Your sleep paralysis demon?” She turned on her side and looked at him, resting her cheek on her arm. Something about calling this girl a demon seemed deeply wrong, so he found himself correcting her.
“Shes just a hallucination.” Why he was even bothering to defend her, he had no idea. “…I think I met her in Brighton once. Very briefly.” It wasn’t not even a lie by omission this time, yet the words burnt his tongue as though he’d just said something blasphemously untrue.
“That’ll be where you got her face from.”
“Yeah.”
“…Is it scaring you?” Adia voiced softly, and her hand found his shoulder in sympathy. “I’m sorry I teased you about it before. I don’t really think she’s haunting you or anything.”
“Obviously.” He scoffed, feeling like a child being comforted in such a way.
“Maybe if we keep better track of your sleep it’ll reduce the sleep paralysis.” Adia offered. She was sitting up and tapping away on her phone before he could protest. “I’ve read that if you get enough consistent sleep your body will realign itself-“
She meant well, but somehow the thought of never seeing the girl again was worse than anything he’d actually been worried about. “Don’t!” The exclamation shocked both of them in equal measure and he awkwardly cleared his throat after. “I uh…”
Adia’s features softened in a knowing look and she leant close to him. “…Are you ok? You’re being really withdrawn lately like when you were…” Right. He winced, but ultimately accepted the truth with defeat. He hadn’t changed. That was why he needed to cling to the last memory of that town, no matter how insignificant. He wanted his safety blanket back.
With a sigh, he admitted the truth. “I think I need to go home.”
Adia’s face crumbled in despair and it was so painful he couldn’t bear to look at her. He’d caused that look of crushing disappointment on her face many times before and his heart ached at doing so again. “I just…” His hands gripped at his hair as he teared up in frustration. “I can’t do this.”
“Sure you can!” She bargained, instantly. “Where’s this come from? You’ve done so much with me already!”
“I’m bad at it.”
“No you’re not!”
“I’m still scared.” He snapped, growing frustrated with her stubbornness. Why couldn’t she just let him accept he was a failure with dignity?
“But you’re still doing it! Todd-“ She pulled him around to face her fully, giving him a desperate, but painfully loving smile. “You’ve changed! You’re brave now- you’re trying new things and I’m so proud of you. What’s the problem?” Her hand grasped his, squeezing urgently. “Whatever it is, I’m here now, ok? We’ll get through it as long as you just talk to me about it this time.”
She made everything so difficult. Always having to care about him. …It was familiar in a choking, painful way he couldn’t articulate. Again, she squeezed his hand tight with both of hers. “This is your dream.” She whispered, confusion and worry lining her voice.
God dammit.
He hated her for caring because he’d always been weak to it. Scratch squeezed his eyes shut, and pulled away from her touch, turning his back to her with his knees pulled up to his chest. The despair came off of Adia in waves. His chest pounded painfully with the knowledge of being known so intimately, and that he couldn’t run away anymore now that he’d let her so close.
“…I think the girl is telling me to go home.” He supplied quietly, in a weak voice. It sounded so foolish now that he’d gone and said it aloud. Childish. He curled up tighter. “She was the last person I spoke to in Brighton before I left. She told me I had friends there- which is a blatant lie. I said I might visit one day. I think she’s my mind doing some mumbo jumbo psychology crap to tell me this was all a bad idea and I should’a stayed.”
“And what if she’s telling you something different?”
“And what if she’s not?”
Adia was silent for a long while.
“…Do you want to go home?” She asked eventually. “Really want to, I mean.” She clarified after a moment, cutting off his would-be response. He shut his mouth, having to think for a moment.
“…No?” It came out as an awkward, shy laugh. “But like- what choice do I have?”
“Every choice!” Adia sounded both confused and exasperated in equal measure, almost laughing out of one or the other.
“Not if I’m not cut out for this.”
She scoffed. “And who decides that? Some creepy little phantom girl?”
Feeling vulnerable, he glanced back at her, biting his lip. “…I’m scared I’m just gonna collapse one day soon and realise it was stupid of me to ever do this.”
Features softening, Adia reached forward to pull his head into her lap. “Hey… why would you think that?”
“Thats how I think about everything.” He laughed, a little morbidly. “Good things are, y’know, for people like you who are brave and smart ‘n stuff. Not for me…”
A fist came down on his head, light enough to not cause serious pain but enough to have it letting out a hollow coconut sound. “Owww!” He whined, suddenly loud, sitting up in offence.
“Well that’s dumb.” Adia said decisively. She poked him in the forehead. “Your brain is dumb. Stop listening to it.” It was such simple, useless advice that coming from anyone else it would have had him rolling his eyes. But from Adia it was said with such an undercurrent of understanding playfulness, and ultimate sweetness at its core that he couldn’t help but smile good-naturally. She pulled him closer in her hug and rocked him slightly.
“You’re just as good as anyone else. You don’t need anyone’s approval to do what your soul was put here to do- even your own.” A pair of lips brushed against his forehead and he smiled softly at the contact, feeling his cold, stubborn heart reluctantly swell in comfort. “Please.” She whispered, quietly, against his ear. “Please don’t sabotage yourself again.”
It was hard to hear it phrased that way but he knew she was right. The brutal honesty seemed to unlock something within him, that, despite its pain, allowed him to relax for what felt like the first time in a long while. “…Ok, Ads.” He whispered back. “I promise I won’t.”
-
The girl didn’t return that night, or many nights to follow. It was strange to say but a part of him almost missed her.
Adia said good riddance though, and the logical side of him that ruled his brain when he was fully-awake agreed. If she just existed to make him doubt his progress then she could find someone else to haunt.
Yet still, on the odd occasion, he would wake up to his limbs functioning and his corners well lit and empty and feel a pang of loneliness.
Progress on his laundry list of Issues was slow. Adia insisted on helping him find an online therapist, which he’s reluctant to admit has been helping. His shrink uses a lot of flowery, embarrassing language that makes him cringe, but she’s annoyingly good at digging into the core of his issues.
“I think you always doubt yourself because you’ve internalised that you’re not as ‘full’ a person as everyone else.” She’d said to him one day. “Thats why you default to hiding yourself away. It’s fear of failure yes- but the root of that fear is that you feel incapable, inferior and ashamed.”
“…Cob.” Was all he’d been able to get out, along with a long, low whistle as he processed the words. “Is there like a pill for that, or…?”
Adia told him he was funny a lot and he’d been keeping a list of compliments like that to remind himself when the doubt and the fear start to creep in. He keeps it by his bedside too to scare away the ghost girl.
Whenever he’s afraid, he remembers that Adia thinks he’s brave and whenever he’s sure he’ll fail he remembers that Adia thinks he can succeed- and that she’ll still love him even if he doesn’t. The goal is to one day not need the ‘Adia thinks’ part of those affirmations.
That particular day hasn’t come yet. He imagines it won’t come for a long time yet. But on the day when he first thought of a single affirmation without her qualifier, all on his own, he saw the ghost girl for the final time.
It was around midnight and he had no idea what woke him up. A dog barking outside? Perhaps. He was far too groggy from a full day of adventuring and vlogging yesterday to tell.
The motel room was quiet as he tried to get back to sleep. The sound of her whispered voice startled him.
“Scratch?”
He could only see her skirt from the angle he was frozen lying at. She’d never crossed the room to him before. He should have been afraid.
Instead, he felt strangely serene.
“Yeah, kid?” He thought back, lazily.
After a pause, the girls skirt moved from his view and he swore he felt the distinct sensation of a person sitting on the side of the bed next to him.
“I can’t come by anymore.”
…Oh.
He hadn’t known what to say to that. A strange, instinctive part of him felt sad. No- worse than sad. Heartbroken. It made no sense for a bad omen like her.
“I’m not a bad omen.” She said, almost defensively. He’d blushed, wondering in his sleepy haze if it was possible to offend a sleep paralysis demon or not. The girl sighed and he heard her shift as she presumably glanced away.
“…I’m proud of you, Scratch.” This time her voice was soft and loving in a way he’d never heard from her before. It’d been enough to take him aback. He went to respond, but no words came out. She never asked for any. Instead, her fingers gently stroked through his hair for a few seconds, feeling oh so real, before fading away into the whirl of the fan on his face.
Scratch opened his eyes to the dark motel room feeling more awake than ever before.