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The world was a monstrous place.
When all she saw was corruption and chaos, there were many times in the past where Sanhua thought it might have been better if her eyes remained blind. The nothingness would be a blessing compared to the grotesque hell that relentlessly haunted her.
But now—
To think there could be something in her hellscape of a world that would be so unsullied, so pure. The startling discovery was etched so deeply into her memory and in her heart—the first person that Sanhua ever truly saw untainted by her eyes.
That day she was on the brink of death with the nightmare nearly consuming her, she might have mistaken it for a terribly cruel illusion of mercy.
As she stood by Lady Jinhsi’s side now, there was no mistake.
She was so beautiful.
“Sanhua?”
Her liege’s voice grounded her and it was her liege’s hand that pulled Sanhua’s attention back into focus. A feather-light touch of fingertips on the bare skin on Sanhua’s shoulders. Jinhsi’s hand then fell slowly, seemingly reluctantly back to her side.
Jinhsi was staring at Sanhua. “Are you alright?”
“Yes.” Sanhua straightened her spine and squared her shoulders. Her thoughts were getting away from her; they were becoming improper of her station. They toed lines that must not be crossed, even if only in imagination. “Forgive me, my lady. I was distracted.”
“A rare thing for you, that your mind might wander. How curious.”
“I must be becoming lax.” A strict recounting of the heart sutra was in order. Anything to quell the improprieties running around in her head.
“You? Lax?” Jinhsi smiled, radiant and divine. Sanhua would’ve lost focus again, if not for Jinhsi suddenly moving closer—her hand reaching up to cup Sanhua’s cheek. Her thumb gently ghosted the skin beneath her corrupted eye.
She was so close. “My lady.” Sanhua’s voice caught in her throat. She felt her chest tightening, as if there was a sudden lack of air in her lungs.
“Is it bothering you again?” Jinhsi asked quietly.
Delicate snowflakes fell around them; this part of her forte was still out Sanhua’s conscious control. Jinhsi was so observant, so considerate but she constantly crossed the lines that Sanhua meticulously drew in the sand. Part of the blame was on herself too for not protesting, for not rejecting her lady’s kindness.
Jinhsi’s hand was warm in contrast to Sanhua’s coldness. She was the only one who even dared to touch her like this.
“Have you not been sleeping well again? Do you need time to rest?”
Nevertheless, her concern was a comfort. “I’m fine. You’re preparing to go out again; there isn’t time for rest.”
“But there is time now.” Jinhsi then lightly grasped Sanhua’s hand and began to lead her forward. “Come. You can use my private chambers to—”
“No, I—” Sanhua tugged back, just enough to hold Jinhsi’s attention. Her eyes flickered back to their still-joined hands. Even through her glove, Sanhua could still feel her lady’s warmth. The irrational urge rose again in her chest, unbidden. “There is no need to go through the trouble.”
“Oh?” There was a flicker of mischief in Jinhsi’s eyes when she noticed Sanhua’s lingering gaze. “It’s no trouble to me. Unless perhaps, you would like to tell me what has made you so distracted.”
“...Is my lady ordering me to?”
“I am not. If you do not feel like sharing them, I won’t press you, Sanhua. However, if there is anything that I can do to alleviate any of your concerns, no matter how small, I’d like to help.”
Sanhua pursed her lips, hesitant. Then she said: “It would be unbecoming of me to ask you of that.”
Jinhsi smiled. “You are the one who stands closest to me and the most loyal. You have my full trust. I’d be honored if you can place a bit more trust in me too.”
Sanhua flinched, nearly recoiling away if it weren’t for Jinhsi holding her to stay close. “I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t—”
“And I didn’t mean to imply that you don’t,” Jinhsi said. She squeezed Sanhua’s hand as reassurance. “Please. It’s alright. I don’t believe there is anything you could do that would be, as you call it, unbecoming.” A tiny chuckle slipped from her lips, as if she found that last part somewhat amusing. “Truly, it's no trouble at all.”
“Your words are the highest praise.”
“It’s all true.”
“I suppose it is.”
“It is.” Jinhsi repeated with strong affirmation. “I hope that you will always keep that in mind. Now—shall we get going?”
Sanhua blinked. “Where?”
“To my chambers so you can rest—unless, of course, you’d rather go to your own? I only mentioned mine first because it is closer and while I’m there, I wanted to take another look at the documents prior to my next meeting with the ministers. It makes no difference to me, however. As long as you are comfortable. I’ll wake you when it’s time for us to leave.”
“Ah.” There were a prickle of goosebumps trailing up her lady's forearm, Sanhua duly noted. No doubt from her holding onto Sanhua for this long. Yet Jinhsi still continued to take her hand, despite it. “If that is what my lady wishes, I will go with you.”
“Sanhua.” Suddenly Jinhsi’s expression became serious and solemn. “It’s alright for you to do as you wish too. If you are tired, just say so. If there is something that you want to say, just do so.”
“My lady…” The surge of emotion very nearly overflowed, and it took the whatever remains of Sanhua’s self-restraint not to let spill nonsense from her lips. How could she begin to describe what lies in the depths of her heart? Everything that came to mind felt lacking.
“Or,” Jinhsi glanced at their hands too, then her eyes met Sanhua’s again, “it seems to me that there is something that you’d rather want to do instead…?”
“I…”
“It’s alright.”
At that, Sanhua resisted no longer. With the gentleness of one handling the world’s most precious treasure, Sanhua pressed a tender kiss to the back of her fair lady’s hand.
Her admiration, her gratitude, her loyalty. Everything. For Lady Jinhsi’s sake and for her ideals, she could give it all to her liege and it would still not be enough.
Sanhua murmured: “I fear that I lack the sufficient words to describe what exactly is on my mind. I hope my lady might forgive me for my inadequacy.”
When Sanhua finally pulled away after what left like a moment frozen in eternity, she found her lady watching her with soft, warm eyes. A touch of color graced her cheeks.
Beautiful.
“Sometimes, I have to wonder,” Jinhsi sounded breathless, “what inspired such devotion?”
Devotion, adoration; the list could go on and on.
On impulse, Sanhua kissed her again—Jinhsi’s knuckles to her delicate fingertips. “Is it a burden?”
“Never.”
A rare smile, gentle and as soft as fresh snow, broke over Sanhua’s face. “In my eyes, all you’ve ever done is simply be yourself.”