Chapter Text
Evan wakes slowly. Drifting. Hiding. It’s safe in this between state. Lost in his mind, just under the surface of reality. The nightmare will begin again when he opens his eyes. Evan isn’t ready to face it.
An echo of pain reaches out through the haze of drugs. It rings in his head, dancing with each beat of his heart. The pain isn’t surprising. Though he isn’t sure what he did to deserve the pain. Logically he must have upset Father Liam. Angering the Father isn’t hard. Evan is consistently failing. Forgetting the rules. Falling short of the Father’s lofty expectations.
Pain and punishment are familiar, even if Evan can’t remember why or what caused it.
Slowly, against his will, more senses start coming back to Evan. Touch - he’s lying on something soft, but not as soft as the bed the Father keeps him chained to. Sound - a rhythmic beeping beats against his ears. It hurts. Throbbing in time with the growing pain in Evan’s head.
It’s rare that Father Liam hits Evan in the face. It’s even rarer that punishment lands Evan in the medical wing of the compound. Whatever Evan had done must have been bad. Evan hasn’t tried to escape for weeks. After the last time, he’d given up hope. Evan knows he doesn’t have anywhere to go. Anywhere he runs to, Father Liam will find him.
Was that what had happened? Had Evan run and been found? It makes sense.
Evan struggles to open his eyes, a soft groan escaping his parted lips from the sting of the light. He winces, hoping the small sound hadn’t been heard. Father Liam doesn’t like it when Evan speaks out of turn. Or when he makes noises that aren’t asked for.
“Buck?” A woman’s voice pierces through the drugged fog. Evan’s body flinches instinctively away from the owner of the voice, blurry eyes widening in fear. He can’t be near a woman. It’s not allowed. He looks through the blurred halo of sleep and sees her. She’s too close, leaning over him with concern in her dark eyes. Her lips are moving, but Evan can’t focus on the calm of her voice - all he can focus on is panic. His panic. He’s going to be in so much trouble.
It takes a minute for Evan to see past his panic and pain - the woman is wearing a uniform. She’s not dressed in emerald or adorned in gold. His heart stumbles in his chest and he collapses against the bed, exhausted from his raging fear.
“There you go, baby, just breathe for me.” The woman’s words finally start to break through to Evan. Gently she brushing the back of her fingers across Evan’s cheek. He leans into the touch, unable to help himself. Unable to stop himself from stealing all the comfort this stranger has to offer him. He doesn’t know when he’ll receive this kind of comfort again.
He doesn’t understand what’s happening. Why would a woman be allowed near him? Why would Father Liam set him up to fail - again? Tears fill Evan’s eyes as the helplessness consumes him.
The uniform the woman is wearing is American. A police uniform. Evan’s head clears enough that he can read her badge - Los Angeles. He’s in California? Or is the woman in Peru?
“You - you got me out?” Buck asks desperately. Dangerously hopeful.
The woman, Sergeant Grant, according to her name tag, looks confused. She pauses, pressing her lips together in a thin line before she nods slowly. “They got you out, baby. Bobby will be here any moment.”
Evan doesn’t know who Bobby is. Maybe he’s the lead officer?
“The doctor should be on her way,” Sergeant Grant continues. “They’ll get you something for the pain.”
“N-no.” Evan gasps. Horror spilling like ice water in his veins. “Pl-please. I’ll be g-good.” Begging never convinced Father Liam to stop, but perhaps this kind woman will offer Evan mercy. He doesn’t want any more drugs. He doesn’t want to fall asleep and wake up back in that room. He doesn't want to lose any more time. “Please.” He whispers and she makes a distressed noise and looks towards the door.
“Oh, baby, don’t worry, I know you’ll be good.” The sergeant says, eyes turning back to him, her fingers carding softly through his hair. “You don’t have to worry about that - I know you’ll be good. You just hold on for me, alright? Hold on.”
Evan sobs brokenly. “Did you get him?” He manages. Because, if he’s here, if she’s here, then they must have stopped Father Liam.
“Get who, sweetie?” Sergeant Grant asks, eyes filling with confusion.
Before he can answer, several people rush into the room. The monitors he’s attached to get louder, beeping at a racing pace. He feels his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. His eyes blur and his vision spins as he tries and fails to track the flurry of movement around him. It feels utterly chaotic. Father Liam will be so angry with him.
Unless Evan is truly free. He turns back to Sergeant Grant and grabs hold of her hand. “Did you get him?”
“Who, Buck?”
Evan catches movement out of the corner of his eye, a nurse injecting something into the IV line attached to the port embedded in the back of his right hand. He reaches out, ripping out the port in a desperate attempt to stop it. Blood squirts and there are several shouts of surprise. The desperation within Evan rises to a new level. There are more words, more orders and shouts. Evan feels himself starting to hyperventilate. Black fireworks explode in his vision. He’s going to pass out.
He needs to know one thing. Just one thing and the drugs can take him.
“Please.” He begs the sergeant, voice so quiet, he isn’t even sure she can hear him over the chaos around them.
“Who should we have gotten, Buck?”
“Father Liam.” There’s a pinch in his arm, drawing away Evan’s fragile attention. He sees the syringe and feels pure terror. “N-no.” He let’s go of the sergeant’s hand to claw at his own arm, desperate to get the drugs out. His movements are weak. He’s weak. It’s too late, he feels himself slipping into the darkness.
__
The next time Evan wakes, a man is sitting with him, clutching rosary. The man doesn’t immediately notice that Evan’s eyes are on him. His lips move rhythmically, a soft murmur of words Evan can’t understand. Evan panics – the machines he’s hooked up to start screaming.
“Buck!” The man calls out, his hands reaching out to Evan.
The fear Evan feels steals his breath.
Darkness is quick to follow.
__
“Mr. Buckley?” A soft feminine voice’s calls to him from the dark.
He hears the steady, familiar beeping of the heart monitor in the distance. Evan knows he’s still in the hospital. He knows if he opens his eyes, something will frighten him. Someone will drug him. He’s trapped in a new and terrifying cycle of horror, but he can’t help but admit it’s better than the horror he’s known for the last three months.
Maybe he should stop fighting. Father Liam will punish him later when he learns about how uncooperative Evan is being.
Slowly, reluctantly, Evan opens his eyes. His vision is blurry, but it clears after a few blinks. There is a new woman sitting beside him. This woman is dressed as a doctor. She offers him a kind smile when they lock gazes. Evan immediately looks away, submissive. He needs to remember his place. Even if he isn’t sure where his place is, currently.
“Are you with us, Mr. Buckley?”
Evan flinches at the ‘us’ and glances around the room. There are only two strangers with him. The doctor and a person who looks like a nurse. Both are female. The police officer, no, the police sergeant from earlier is gone. Evan wishes she were there.
Instead of answering verbally, Evan nods, keeping his eyes fixed on the blanket covering him. He notices the restraints encircling his wrists. They aren’t metal handcuffs, but leather ones that are soft and padded. There’s a brace around his left wrist – vaguely Evan feels pain dancing on the edge of the drugs he’s been given.
The doctor asks a few questions, what year is it? Who is the president? What city are they in? The last question Evan cheats with, but he tries to explain. “Los Angeles, but I’m not sure how I got here.”
The doctor tips her head a little and a slight frown pulls at her pale lips. “What do you mean by that?”
“I was - am I in Los Angeles?” Evan shifts his explanation into a question, carefully avoiding the doctor’s soft gaze.
“Yes.” She answers in a careful way. “You are in Los Angeles at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.”
“The sergeant’s badge said Los Angeles.” Evan explains. “I – I thought I was in Peru. I mean, I was in Peru. The police sergeant, she said they got me out, but I don’t remember.”
“Out of where?”
“The compound. The Sanctuary.” Evan’s voice breaks, because he’s suddenly terrified this is some sort of twisted test. A cruel joke. Or maybe a trick - a trap.
“What compound were you in? What sanctuary? Do you mean a church?” She asks slowly, as if she’s fishing for information. Evan immediately presses his lips together, afraid that if he answers, he might get into even more trouble.
“Okay, you’re okay, sweetheart.” The doctor says, quick to notice that Evan was edging on the brink of another panic attack. “We’re going to take a moment to breathe. That’s it. Much better. Okay, Mr. Buckley. What I’m going to tell you might be hard for you to believe, but I can promise you that you are safe.”
Evan clings to that promise, even if he isn’t sure he can fully believe her.
“You were admitted to our hospital early this morning after you were involved in a work-related accident. You were struck by falling debris and pinned in a burning building, but your team was able to extract you. Your left wrist has a hairline fracture, that’s why it’s in a brace. You also have a few bruised ribs and deep bruising across your back. You suffered a significant blow to your head, Mr. Buckley, I strongly believe it has caused some memory loss.”
“Memory loss?” Evan frowns, because he wishes he had memory loss. He remembers pretty much everything about the last three hellish months of his life. At least, what he was awake for. “Like, amnesia?”
“Exactly like amnesia. You seem to be missing a few years of your memory. You believe you are twenty-one years old, correct?”
“Y-yeah.” Evan nods, mind racing, searching for the memories the doctor is telling him he’s lost.
“You are currently twenty-seven years old.” The doctor says. “You’ve been living in Los Angeles for a while now, according to your boss. You met him earlier, although I’m not sure how much you remember.”
“The guy with the rosary?” Evan’s voice catches. He remembers the stranger vaguely. He remembers being scared.
“Yes.” The doctor says. “Would you like to speak with him? He’s waiting in the hallway.”
“No.” Evan says quickly, and then winces, ducking his head with regret. He raised his voice. He isn’t supposed to do that. “I-I’m sorry, it’s just, is the sergeant still here?”
“Athena, yes.” The doctor rises from her chair and reaches out to him, Evan flinches away from her touch. Slowly the doctor retracts her hand, likely trying not to startle him again. “I’ll go find her for you. I’m going to order some tests for you, to see if we can get a better idea of what might be happening with your concussion. It’s likely that your memory loss is being caused by swelling and we’re going to need to monitor that very closely. I’ll be back shortly.”
Evan isn’t sure if that is a promise, or a threat. Does he have amnesia? Or is this a twisted game? Father Liam likes to play mind games. This seems far more elaborate than anything the Father has tried before. It makes Evan feel sick.
He spins possibilities in his head until the door opens again. The police sergeant – Athena, enters. He recognizes her. He hopes she has answers.
“Hello, Buck.” Athena says gently. “Is it okay if I sit with you?”
There’s that name again. Or, Evan thinks it’s a name. Buck. Is that a nickname? It must be short for Buckley - it sort of makes sense. Margret and Philip Buckley would hate it. They hate all nicknames. Oddly, it’s sort of satisfying, the idea of taking a nickname. It seems like something Evan would have done, or at least, the Evan from before.
The doctor must have told Athena about his memory issues. She’s waiting for him to respond to her. He flushes, embarrassed that he’s gotten lost in his head again. Evan nods and pulls at the soft restraints for the first time. He doesn’t want to sit flat on his back anymore. It feels too vulnerable. He wants to sit up.
“I can undo those, baby, but you have to promise me you won’t try and hurt yourself again.”
Evan winces, face turning a deeper red with added embarrassment. “I-I didn’t want to be drugged again.” He tried to explain. “It’s what they did – at the compound. I mean, the Sanctuary. When I misbehaved.”
The sergeant is quiet for a moment, then she reaches forward and gently undoes the straps. “You don’t have to worry about any of that here, Buck. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You might not remember it yet, but I take care of my family. You, Evan Buckley, are part of my family.” Evan keeps his eyes downcast. Just talking to her, a woman, is such a risk.
Once he’s freed from the restraints, Evan tries to manipulate the bed into a more seated position. Athena, taking pity on him, helps. They fall into a tense silence after. Athena watching Evan with eyes that seem to be able to see into his brain and Evan, desperately wishing he could disappear.
“What if this isn’t real?” Evan whispers, closing his eyes. It’s easier to keep his eyes closed. Easier to avoid looking at people’s faces when he can’t see anything.
“What if I could prove that it is?” Athena asks after a stretch of silence.
Evan opens his eyes at that. He doesn’t risk questioning her verbally, but the ‘how’ must show in his eyes.
“Hold on, baby,” she stands and glides to the door and opens it. “Bobby, may I see your phone?” She asks and reaches out into the hallway. Briefly Evan spots the man who had the rosary – Bobby. Evan’s apparent boss. The man glances his way and Evan drops his gaze, hunching his shoulders as his anxiety spikes. He hears the door close and Athena’s soft footfall as she returns to the seat by his bedside.
“Here we are.” Athena says settling one of her hands gently on top of Evan’s right hand. In her other hand she holds a rectangular device. Evan eyes it suspiciously, worrying that it might be a very compact taser. She must see the apprehension in his eyes, because she brushes her thumb across the back of his knuckles in a soothing way. “I suppose this would look a little odd to you – technology is constantly changing. I forget sometimes how fast. This is a cellphone.” She taps the screen. It lights up and glows with a picture of her and Bobby holding one another.
So, not a taser. Evan sags a bit in relief and watches her tap on different icons – it looks like a mini-computer of sorts.
“These were taken during a barbecue we had a few weeks ago.” Athena angles the phone so he can see the photo shown on the screen. It’s of a group of people, Evan mingling among them. “Those are your teammates. You – you’re a firefighter, I don’t know if the doctor told you that.”
A firefighter? Him? “N-no. She didn’t.” That didn’t feel right. Evan was too weak to do that. He’d failed at becoming a Navy Seal. He fails at everything he sets out to do. Which is why he needed guidance, which was one of the reasons why Father Liam had taken him. Evan trembles at the thought but shakes it from his head as he looks at Athena.
“Here, I think Bobby has some pictures of you at the station – yes, here we go.” The phone shows a picture of Evan, or, Buck, standing in a large kitchen with the rosary guy. Both are dressed in blue uniforms. A firefighter’s uniform. They appear to be cooking together, each wearing aprons. The guy in the picture, the one wearing Evan’s face, is smiling.
“He looks happy.” Evan says, feeling confused.
“Bobby? Yeah, he loves cooking for the team.” Athena smiles fondly. “I think he loves it even more when you help him. He’s been imparting his culinary knowledge on you for the last few years.”
“Me? Cooking?” Evan scoffs, not bothering to correct her about who he had been commenting on. “I can’t cook.”
“You cook very well, actually, and you bake.” Athena says in a way that indicates that she’s proud of him. It feels strange, to have a stranger, who isn’t actually a stranger, be proud of him. His own parents had never been proud of him. Why should Athena? “You actually baked me a mini cake for my birthday, it had pears in it. It was probably the most delicious thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting.”
Evan stays silent, hunching in on himself, not sure how to react.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.” Athena says gently. She shows him a few more pictures taken with Evan in a firefighter uniform. It’s good evidence that he definitely might have amnesia. It still feels weird.
“Okay.” Evan says after a moment, his eyes still fixed on the pictures flashing across the screen. The Evan in the pictures looks a little older – but happy. It doesn’t seem real. The proof is hard to deny. “Okay.” He exhales softly. “Say – say I believe you. Say this - this is real? Would - you’d help me? If I asked?”
“Of course, Buck, with anything you need.” The sergeant sounds so confident that Evan risks meeting her gaze, just for a moment.
“Did he, did I – you said we were, uh, friends. Family?” Evan feels his heart stumble in his chest, and he’s worried his making a mistake. He is always making mistakes. “Did I – have I ever, is, do you know Father Liam?” It seems like the safest way to ask the question. What Evan wants to ask is if the bastard is dead.
“No, sweetie.” Athena answers, voice soft and worried. “You asked about him earlier today. I’ve never heard you mention that name before. Neither has Bobby.”
Relief hits him hard, he sags back against the pillow of the hospital bed and does his best not to sob. “So, I got out?” He shouldn’t say any more. If the Evan, or, Buck, they keep calling him Buck, if Buck never mentioned the Order of the Emerald Stars before to these people, his family, then Evan shouldn’t bring it up now.
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Athena says carefully. “Out of where?”
“The – no, it doesn’t matter. I got out.”
Athena sets the phone aside and takes Evan’s trembling hand gently with both of hers. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Buck, but just so we’re clear, know that I will be here, ready to listen whenever you need me.”
“Pr-promise?” Evan risks looking into her eyes again. Needing to see the truth.
“With all my heart.”
He can’t not believe her when she speaks with such conviction. Evan falls quiet, picking at loose threads on his blanket. “If I asked you to help me find information on something, would you? Could you keep it secret? Just between us?”
“Is this about Father Liam?” Athena asks, already two steps ahead of him. She’s a smart lady. She’s so nice. So kind. Evan wants desperately to believe this is real.
“Would you keep it secret?” Evan doesn’t want to accidentally blow-up Buck’s life. Buck clearly hadn’t wanted these people who he calls his family, or, who claim him as family, to know. But Buck knew what had happened – Evan isn’t sure he’ll be able to breathe properly until he learns the truth. Athena is a police sergeant. She can help Evan. Maybe she won’t need to know the gory details. Maybe it won’t change how she looks at him. Or maybe Evan should keep his stupid mouth shut.
“I will keep it secret, as long as you need me to.” She answers after a considering pause. “Buck, I know you have no reason to trust me, since to you, we’ve only just met. But I promise you, nothing about your past is going to destroy what you have in the here and now. You can tell me, or Bobby, or anyone else, and it won’t matter. It won’t change how we see you.”
“It might.” Evan whispers, but slowly meets her worried eyes. “Just you.”
“Okay, Buck, this will stay between us. Just us.” Athena promises. “How can I help you?”
“The last thing I remember is being in Peru.”