Chapter Text
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey
You: a/s/l
Stranger: UH.
Stranger: 8.5/M/ALTERNIA
You: ha ha hilarious
You: ive heard that one before
You: what is it about alternians where do you get off on pretending youre kids
Stranger: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN LOOKED AT THE ALTERNIAN CALENDAR, DIPSHIT?
Stranger: 8.5 SWEEPS = 18 HUMAN YEARS.
Stranger: THERE. I EVEN DID THE MATH FOR YOU. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Stranger: FOR FUTURE REFERENCE ONE SWEEP IS 2 HUMAN YEARS AND 2 HUMAN MONTHS.
Stranger: THAT’S X SWEEPS TIMES 26 DIVIDED BY 12.
You: wowww
You: ok bill nye the science guy
You: well not bill nye but a math version
You: if such a person existed thats what i wouldve said
You: but they dont
You: and for good reason id say
You: arent you gonna ask me asl
Stranger: A/S/L?
You: 18/m/texas
You: same age bro
Stranger: YEAH. EIGTHEEN YEARS OLD. THE FAVORITE SPURIOUS AGE OF MINORS FAKING MATURITY ONLINE FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF ILL-ADVISED AND HIGHLY ILLEGAL SEXUAL EXPLORATION.
Stranger: I WILL BE TREATING YOU LIKE YOU’RE 6 FOR THE REST OF HIS CONVERSATION, TO BE CLEAR.
You: 6
You: you mean uh
Stranger: 13. I MEAN 13 EARTH YEARS.
Stranger: APOLOGIES FOR MY GLARING CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY.
Stranger: CLEARLY THEY DON’T TEACH MATH ON YOUR PLANET.
You: im not here to do math im here to talk to strangers
You: so are you btw
Stranger: YEAH. I CAN’T REALLY ARGUE WITH YOU THERE.
Stranger: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS AT 3PM WHEN I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME, RIGHT?
You: amen bro
You: so whats up
You: what do you do for fun
Stranger: GREAT QUESTION.
Stranger: I THINK IT’S CLEAR AT THIS POINT THAT I NEED TO GET SOME NEW HOBBIES.
Stranger: IT’S DIFFICULT, THOUGH.
Stranger: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE AWARE OF ALTERNIAN CULTURE TO ANY DEGREE.
Stranger: I’M GUESSING PROBABLY NOT GIVEN THAT YOU’VE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING COMPLEX INFORMATION IN GENERAL.
Stranger: BUT MY LIFE IS ESSENTIALLY GOING TO BE TORN UP AT THE ROOTS AND THROWN INTO A PROTEIN PULVERIZER ON ITS HIGHEST SETTING ON MY NEXT WRIGGLING DAY.
Stranger: I WILL BE JOINING THE THRESHECUTIONER CORPS.
Stranger: AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW AND GO WALLOW IN YOUR OWN MISERABLE IGNORANCE.
You: dude
You: how did you get here from what do you do for fun
Stranger: HOW ARE YOU NOT SEEING HOW I GOT HERE?
Stranger: I’M SAYING IT’S HARD TO PICK UP NEW HOBBIES WHEN I’M ABOUT TO LEAVE MY PLANET AND BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE.
You: oh
You: yeah i know what you mean
You: im leaving for college in a couple months
You: actually i just graduated high school
You: pretty big deal here on earth
Stranger: WHAT?
Stranger: HOW IS THAT ANYTHING LIKE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
Stranger: HOW IS THAT EVEN IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD - NO, IN THE SAME UNIVERSE
Stranger: AS MY THING.
You: uh
You: leaving home
You: big changes comin
You: adulthood or whatever
You: im shining a flashlight under my chin
You: telling you the spooky horror story of being at least somewhat responsible for your own shit
You: ooo (ghost noises)
Stranger: WHAT THE FUCK.
Stranger: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM ALREADY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN SHIT.
Stranger: I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I’M GOING TO BE ”RESPONSIBLE” FOR CULLING PEOPLE FOR THE EMPIRE YOU STUPID FUCKING TOOL.
You: what
You: actually?
Stranger: YES ACTUALLY.
You: man
You: are you ok
Stranger: WHAT??
You: thats rough man are you ok
Stranger: I
Stranger: WHAT
Stranger: ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?
You: yeah kinda
You: but also like
You: seems like youre not ok bro
Stranger: I’M FINE.
Stranger: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
Stranger: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN.
You: im into rapping
You: like freestyling
Stranger: UGH.
You: oh what now
You: how do you have a problem with that
You: if youre one of those i listen to everything except for rap and country assholes im disconnecting
Stranger: NO. MY EX WAS INTO “RAPPING”.
Stranger: IT’S CALLED ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY. WE INVENTED IT.
You: you did not invent it
You: i cant even begin to get into whats wrong with you claiming that you invented it
Stranger: NOT ME PERSONALLY, SHITHEAD, I MEANT MY SPECIES.
You: i know what you meant
You: still messed up man
You: i also have other interests
Stranger: SUCH AS?
You: such as idk photography music drawing video games
Stranger: WHAT VIDEO GAMES?
You: my friends and i used to be really into sburb back in the day
You: this summer were gonna get into league of legends
You: cause were losers with no lives and no plans
Stranger: YEAH I REMEMBER SBURB. IT WAS CALLED SGRUB HERE FOR SOME REASON.
Stranger: WHAT DID YOU PLAY AS?
You: knight
Stranger: WHAT ASPECT
You: time
Stranger: COOL.
Stranger: I WAS KNIGHT OF BLOOD.
You: oh man
You: blood fucking sucked dude how did you even finish the game
Stranger: EXCUSE ME.
Stranger: BLOOD WAS A PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE ASPECT IF YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
Stranger: AS OPPOSED TO THE AVERAGE TIME PLAYER WHO RAN AMOK CLUESSLY FUCKING EVERYTHING UP FOR EVERYBODY ELSE
Stranger: UNSPOOLING TIMELINES LIKE A KITTEN MANHANDLING A BALL OF YARN
Stranger: SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
Stranger: DO YOU STILL PLAY?
You: yeah i guess
You: occasionally
Stranger: MAYBE WE COULD PLAY TOGETHER SOMETIME.
You: ahahahaha are you serious
You: wait
You: are you serious?
Stranger: YES?
You: yeah ok sure
You: why not
Stranger: CAN I GET YOUR PESTERCHUM HANDLE?
You: @turntechGodhead
Stranger: @carcinoGeneticist
You: alright
You: i accepted your request
You: i guess we can stop talking on anon dick roulette now then
Stranger: OK.
You have been disconnected!