Work Text:
The sun was going down slowly, the sea waves glistening in its warm golden glow. Seagulls kept on shrieking every now and then above his head, and there were so few people that he actually found the atmosphere peaceful. Everything was quiet. Or at least quiet enough to make him collect his thoughts and God, he needed it more than ever.
The case was officially closed, with Trish’s tormentors caught and enough evidence gathered to win in court, but was it really over for her? Would she ever get some peace of mind after something like this? One of the reasons he hated such crimes was the fact it never truly left you alone. The stain would always be there on your soul, fading with time but never fully disappearing.
He shuddered as the chilly breeze blew in his face. He should be happy and relieved, really, another criminals were apprehended and nobody was in danger anymore. His daughter was not at risk, and everyone could return to their daily lives. Only he couldn’t find it in himself to feel any sort of joy. There was something deep inside him, tainting his already broken heart, hardening his skin and torturing his head with memories he had tried so hard to suppress during the entire case.
At times, he believed he could fool himself like he fooled everyone else. But this took so much out of him and things felt weird, to say the least. The pictures of Trish crying on the ground during their reconstruction flashed before his eyes, repeating in his head over and over again. At one point they turned into his own stained memories, of him lying on the cold ground in a dark abandoned alley, and with rough hands all over his body. He shuddered again.
He shouldn’t be thinking about it, certainly not now. Not ever. It was all in the past. Even if the nightmares that used to be filled only with Sandbrook currently changed to that night he didn’t want to relive.
He closed his eyes, breathing deeply and calmly, smelling the sea, if only to steady his beating heart. He didn’t really want to go home yet. Daisy was staying at Chloe’s, and Ellie was probably spending the evening in the pub with the rest of the team. For a second, he regretted having refused her offer to go there together, but he didn’t have mental capacity to grasp being in public after such a day. He just needed to rest although he already knew it would not come. Not tonight.
His eyelids snapped open and he realized the sun was almost hidden behind the horizon. It was getting dark. People that had been here before already left, and Alec wondered if he truly lost track of time so easily. God, he was so tired, and the final interrogation of Leo kept on playing in his head, echoing and hammering loudly. He couldn’t silence his arrogant, disgusting voice.
‘It makes you feel in control’
Hardy wondered if they also felt the same. If they enjoyed it when he was crying on the ground, degraded to nothing else but dirt, tormented to the point of begging to be let go. Suddenly, he wanted to throw up. He wanted to scratch his eyes out, jump into the ocean and drown to stop feeling the shame and fear that still accompanied him to this day. Would it change anything if he suddenly stopped breathing? It was not like anybody needed him here. The case was solved, and Ellie would be a great replacement for him. At least she was liked by her colleagues.
His phone buzzed and he sighed, reaching for it. Speaking of the devil. It was Miller, asking if he was sure he didn’t want to join her. He ignored it and placed the phone back in his pocket. It was time to go home before it got cold. He didn’t like being cold.
He watched the empty streets as he was passing them by, wondering how long it would take for citizens to get used to the fact it was safe now after dark, that the culprits were caught and nothing endangered them anymore. Well, at least for the time being.
‘I kept thinking I would get caught but when it wasn’t in the news and nobody came, I wanted that feeling again’
But now, he got caught. And Alec was the one to have arrested him. Sometimes he wondered if anyone would have apprehended his own attackers if he had decided to pursue it. There was no point in dwelling on that after so many years but still, his mind had never truly been free from those thoughts. What if those men had attacked more people and he didn’t even know? It would have been his fault since he let them go.
Barely visible tears spilled from his eyes as he recalled that awfully dark night. To this day he had been cursing himself for being so distracted that he couldn’t even see two men walking behind him. To feel so helpless and dirty, he never wanted to experience it ever again. Now, he had always held deep hatred and disgust for sex offenders but after that night, it only escalated. What kind of a monster stole someone’s innocence and dignity like that? What kind of a devil destroyed lives for their own pleasure?
‘It’s only sex. They’d all had sex before’
Another text message snapped him out of his thoughts, but he figured it must have been Miller once again, now probably asking him if he was alright. She always did that when he took time to respond. He ignored this one, as well. In the distance, he thought he heard footsteps following him and, shivering, he sped up. His hands were already shaking and he wiped a few tiny tears off in case someone was there looking at him. He swore that night that nobody was going to see him cry again.
*
He wasn’t sure how long it actually took him to get to his house, but he knew the walk was longer than he wanted it to be. It was already dark, the night had befallen. Looking at his watch, he saw it was well past midnight. Not that it mattered, he doubted sleep was in the cards tonight. Yawning, he turned in the corner to get to the door…
… And jumped with a gasp once he came face to face with no other than DS Miller.
“Miller!” he exclaimed, surprised and startled. His heart skipped a beat, and he had to take a deep breath to calm down. “For God’s sake, what the hell are you doing here?!”
“I’m waiting for you, you knob!” she responded, frustrated, holding her phone tightly in her hand. “You haven’t been answering and I thought something happened!”
He glared at her, and she didn’t stay behind. Silence was suddenly deafening, occasionally shattered by Hardy’s breathing. That had never happened before. She never came to simply check on him when he didn’t reply to her texts. He believed she didn’t care as much.
“What could have possibly happened? Bloody hell, Miller.” He grimaced and fumbled with the keys to his house. It was already chilly, and she was wearing nothing but a sweater. He figured it was a right thing to do to invite her inside. “Thought you were at the pub.”
“I was.” She nodded, stepping inside after him. “But you ignored my messages again, and I wanted to check on you.”
“Whatever for? I was fine when we said goodbye and I’m certainly fine now.” He had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes, but deep inside he felt grateful. He wasn’t used to people caring for him, especially not the ones from work.
He glanced at her, still a little bit shaken, and he hated himself for being unable to stop his hands from trembling. Normally, he wasn’t as easily startled, but with everything going on recently and his own memories eating him up tonight, it was only natural to be a little on edge. Of course Miller would notice, he should have predicted it. She always noticed everything even if she didn’t say it out loud. This woman was way too perceptive for her own good.
“Answer your phone, then!” she raised her voice but quickly lowered it once her gaze fell upon his shaking hands. Spotting it, he quickly hid them behind his back, hoping she wouldn’t ask. “Are you sure you’re alright?” but of course she would.
“I said so a second ago, didn’t I?” he muttered, turning away and sitting on the couch, throwing the keys and his phone on the coffee table. “I’m just tired.”
Ellie was staring at him for a while and he hated every second of it. They had been working together for quite a long time now and he knew she could read him like an open book sometimes. It bothered him. He never allowed people to get this close to him. He was alone, and he was fine with it. At least it was what he kept on telling himself until it became the sad truth.
“You bloody liar,” she stated at last, making him roll his eyes in frustration. “You are shaking.” She moved to sit down right next to him. Alec was determined not to look her in the eye. He was aware it would be the end if she saw the feelings hidden in his gaze – the terror and regret.
“I’m fine, Miller. Just leave.”
“No, not leaving until you admit I’m right,” she protested firmly because of course she wouldn’t let it go. “Tell me.”
“Drop it.”
“You know it isn’t going to happen.” She slid even closer so their sides almost touched, and Hardy shivered. Ellie frowned, noticing his state. He always looked horrible when the case proved to be extremely complicated, but tonight definitely broke the record. It was evident he was not being honest.
“This is a waste of your time. Go.” But God, he really didn’t want her to leave. Just tonight, he wanted to have someone to talk to. To sit next to in silence and just absorb her comforting presence. Asking for help was too hard, though, and a part of him hoped she simply wouldn’t listen to him even if he threw insults at her for being here. This was how it worked, wasn’t it? He always shouted at her and complained, but she still came back every time.
“I already wasted my time by coming here so I might as well waste more hearing you out.” She smirked, and Alec finally decided to lift his gaze to properly look at her. She seemed genuine, and there was no anger in her tone. In fact, she looked ready to help, and kindness emanated from her in waves. Hardy wondered what he’d ever done to deserve a friend like her. “Come on, out with it.” She nudged him with her elbow, and he let out a quiet chuckle. It was void of happiness, however, and it was very obvious that there had been something gnawing at him.
He inhaled shakily, fiddling with his pen he had picked up off the table. Something squeezed his throat and gripped his heart. Speaking was almost impossible at this point. How was he to tell her everything he had buried underneath the surface? How was he to admit he wasn’t doing fine at all, and that this case might have been too much to take? Everyone always doubted him, it would only make matters worse. She was the only one who still believed in his skills as a detective, what if it damaged this faith? Would he be able to cope with losing his only ally?
‘I tried to keep it once a year, didn’t want to get greedy’
He closed his eyes, trying to gather his chaotic thoughts in one place. The pain and fear, it all awoke with the memories. He still could picture himself trying to get home, bloodied and beaten, only to sleep alone in a bed for two, consumed by dreams that killed his soul piece by piece. Those merciless fingers had dug into his skin, and he could do nothing more than cry out.
“This case, it was a lot,” he finally told her, head hanging in shame and defeat, and he could tell she frowned. Not that long ago he was the one to cheer her up after that terrible interrogation. Why did he allow the roles to get reversed? “Brought some… unpleasant memories.”
“What?” she asked, not understanding at first. “What do you mean by ‘unpleasant memories’?”
He almost laughed out loud but held himself back the last second. He shouldn’t be taking it out on her, she probably would never assume he could be in the position of Trish, ever. Which was reasonable, he was a man. With high position in the police. Why would it happen to him of all the people? It took him literal years to understand it didn’t matter, that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that those guys didn’t care whom they hurt as long as they hurt someone.
‘Did you know the names of the other two women you attacked?’
‘Didn’t ask. Was that rude?’
“Sir?” Miller’s voice once again brought him back to his grim reality, and a part of him wanted to run. Escape as far as possible just to keep what happened a secret. He was almost amazed how stupid he was, how daft. He kept on telling Leo’s victims that they would be believed, but he himself was too afraid to tell his only friend the truth like it would change her views of him.
He blinked, flinching when a hand touched his shoulder, but it stayed there, and he glanced at it. Then, his eyes travelled to Ellie’s face, in which sheer concern was drawn.
“What kind of memories did you mean?” she urged, and Alec swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly hating how clever she could be and yet, needed to hear it from him to believe it. To even acknowledge it.
“Don’t make me say it,” he whispered, and it was so close to a plea that it didn’t even feel like he was the one talking. He broke their eye-contact and breathed in some air. By the sudden stiffness in her shoulders, he could tell she was making the realisation, connecting the dots one by one.
“You—” she began but never finished, and Alec felt his cheeks get red. He was so pathetic, so shameful. Dirty. “No, you… please tell me it’s not true.”
This time he did laugh out loud, but it held some kind of bitterness to it, some kind of sadness.
“I wish I could.”
And right there, he was fully ready for her to stand up and walk out just like that, leaving him alone to his demons. He waited for it and the pain that would follow. That feeling of being forfeited, abandoned by the ones he thought he could trust. It would come and shatter the remains of him.
Yet, nothing like this happened. Ellie did not move away from him, did not even laugh. Instead, arms were thrown around him and he was pulled into a hug. It was careful and gentle, nothing like the hands that reached for him that night.
“Oh, Alec…” she whispered, puffs of warm air blowing in his hair as he melted in her embrace. His name sounded so soft coming from her. It was enough to make his tears fall, and he hid his face in the crook of her neck. Their height difference made it a bit awkward, but neither cared. “Oh, I’m so sorry…” she said, running soothing circles on his back.
He did his best to relax and once he did, nothing could stop this enormous wave of despair that washed over him all of a sudden. It was as if a dam collapsed, letting go of everything he had been bottling up and now allowing it to flow freely. He let out a sob, not caring about keeping up his image of a stubborn arsehole. Perhaps he would be embarrassed later but right now, he just wanted closure she was giving him. Her warmth enveloped his shivering body, and he allowed his mask to fall entirely. There was no more strength or fight within him anymore. He was a shell of a man he wanted so hard to be.
“It must have been difficult for you, this case.” Ellie claimed, aware that it was not helpful at all, but what else could she say? She didn’t want to make him feel guilty for not telling her earlier, she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Starting this conversation referring to their work seemed like the safest option. It gave him a choice. Whether he was going to elaborate or keep it all to himself was up to him now.
“Yeah,” he croaked, still hidden in her hug. His shaky breath hit her skin, and she tightened her hold on him, afraid he would fall to pieces if she let him go even for a second. “Yeah, it was.”
“You know, I can make tea and we can talk about it if you want to,” she offered, hoping he wouldn’t push her away. It was the first time she’d ever seen him cry, and she wasn’t leaving him like this. “That okay?”
He inhaled sharply, staying silent for a few moments but then, nodded wordlessly, slowly sliding out of her arms. Hastily, he wiped his face, his shaking hands covering his red eyes. Like he was hiding, ashamed of being seen so vulnerable.
“I’ll be right back.” Miller smiled reassuringly although he couldn’t see her. She hurried to the kitchen to brew tea. He didn’t make any noise save for quiet sniffs every now and then. She made sure to keep a close eye on him while making tea, though, and once it was prepared, she returned to his side.
He was still in the same position, didn’t really move at all. His hand was still covering his face, but tears were swimming through the gaps between his fingers and she sat her mug on the table, passing his own to him. He accepted it with a quiet ‘thank you’.
His fingers left his face and wrapped the warm mug so Ellie could take a better look at him. His eyes got duller, but they were still red from crying. His chin was quivering, and he glanced at everything but her face. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder once more, waiting for him to speak. She didn’t feel like pushing him further. It didn’t feel right to force it upon him, and she considered herself to be a patient woman, anyway.
“It’d been before I came to Broadchurch,” he finally croaked, his voice raspy and broken. “Was still working on that bloody case and stayed in too long.” He took a shaky breath, his body starting to tremble once again. Ellie rubbed his arm to let him know it was okay, that she was still here and not going anywhere.
“You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too much,” she reminded him because she was truly afraid he was pushing himself too far like he was prone to doing.
“No, I, I held it in for years.” He sniffed, rubbing his eyes. “I need to get it out.”
“Alright.” She smiled to encourage him, but if he noticed, he didn’t show it in any way.
“There were two men. I didn’t see them following me. Grabbed my arm and dragged into some empty alley. It was late, and nobody would come to help me so I didn’t even shout. Maybe I should have.” He shrugged tiredly. “It was, I was scared, Miller. One time I wanted my heart to actually fail and it didn’t. They took turns with me and it hurt. I can still hear them laughing when I think about it. They were so proud for doing this to me.”
‘You felt powerful when you watched it back?’
‘Not powerful so much as proud.’
He shuddered again, visibly this time, and didn’t really have energy to protest when Ellie pulled him closer once more. If something, he placed his head on her shoulder, allowing her to caress his mess of hair in a soothing, almost motherly manner. She didn’t even realise she had started crying, too, until the first tear streamed down her cheek.
“Have you,” she swallowed, her voice hoarse. She had to clear her throat to be able to continue. “Have you ever told anyone?”
A shake of the head replied to her. Ellie’s heart broke even more because she feared such an answer. A small part of her even wanted to shout at him for staying silent. He had been all alone with this for so many years with no help, no shoulder to cry on. Who knew how many nights had he spent dwelling in the past? If Sandbrook had almost killed him, then what about this? At the moment, she just wanted to hold him and shield him from everything and everyone. She might joke a lot about not caring about him, about his well-being, and they might argue a lot, but in the end they both knew what they meant to one another. At least she hoped he did.
“I really am sorry this happened to you,” she choked out, trying to sound firm and supportive. He needed her to be strong at the moment, he needed her reassurance. “You didn’t deserve it. Nobody ever does.”
“Yeah, well, it still happened, didn’t it?” he snapped, sounding quite annoyed, but did not make a move to get away from her. “Nothing to do about it now. I’m just glad we caught those bastards today before they hurt more people.”
And Ellie wanted to snort because it, somehow, was a very Alec thing to say. Despite his rough exterior, she knew he cared for safety of others more than his own and would put his life at risk any time only to protect them. She only wished there was something more she could do for him. If only there was a way to hunt those two guys down. She would move oceans to find them and technically, she knew she could, but Hardy did not look like he wanted it. She wouldn’t force him to live through all those terrible memories again. She also doubted he would be comfortable with people knowing, especially in a town such as Broadchurch where almost everyone recognised one another.
“I thought I was doing fine,” he spoke, and Ellie realised she hadn’t really responded. “I hadn’t been thinking about it for long. But this case made it all alive again. It made everything come back.”
At least she understood now why he was so adamant about finding the culprit, even if that meant rushing Trish with her statement. While she still didn’t agree with this approach, now she saw he simply didn’t want anyone to go through similar pain because he knew exactly what it felt like.
“You still pulled through,” she told him softly, rubbing his forearm. He relaxed under her touch. “I wish I could do something more for you, but I don’t know what.” She voiced her concerns, and he lifted his head slowly, his huge brown eyes shining with tears. She would never forget this view. In fact, she was quite sure it would haunt her nights not once from now on.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to,” he said with a frown, like it was unbelievable she was upset on his behalf. “You’ve already done enough.” And he smiled although it didn’t utterly reach his eyes. Ellie would take it, anyway, because she wanted to see him happy. She wanted to help him through this, no matter if he was going to kick and punch and protest.
He was her friend, after all, and she was ready to be there.
“Although,” he began shyly, biting his bottom lip and looking away, suddenly embarrassed. She could see his cheeks flush. “If you could, if you want to, of course, I just wondered…” he sighed, exasperated with his own insecurity, and swallowed. “I just wanted to ask you to stay. Just, just tonight. I don’t want to be alone.”
There was a cheeky remark in the back of her head, but she held herself back from joking. He clearly was in no state for any bickering and besides, she knew how much it must have cost him to actually request it. Tonight all his walls seemed to be in ruins, and he was unable to pretend for once. She would not leave him. Fred had already been tucked in, and she assumed Tom was sleeping, as well. Maybe it wasn’t very responsible of her to leave two kids at home with her father for the night, but she doubted Alec would want to move. She didn’t even have a heart to ask him about it. He already looked like he would fall on his face if he stood up.
So, not letting her initial worries stop her, she only smiled and nodded.
“Well, I suppose. If you have a spare blanket lying around.”
And Alec weakly smiled back, relief hitting him, and he let her hand run through his hair tenderly. He closed his eyes, sometimes feeling her feather-like touch caressing his face and wiping away the rest of his tears. He was sure it was just his imagination, though, and once he rested his head against the back of the couch, exhaustion caught up to him and he fell asleep in her arms, remembering no more.