Work Text:
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
Stars twinkling above them; the lake was almost an exactly duplicate of the sky above, peaceful and serene that late in the night, no kids to disturb its peace. Buck adjusted himself on the hood of the truck and sighed happily. He felt a warm hand covering his, calloused fingers interlocking with his and his heart fluttered.
“And what about LA?” He asks, breaking the silence, still staring at the sky, hoping to see a shooting star. The person next to him laughs, warm and friendly.
“LA? What do we have in LA?”
“What don’t we have in LA?” Buck counterpoints. The boy next to him seems to ponder, and he keeps going. “Best firefighter program in the country, you could get certified. You in Air Operations, me on the ground? The perfect duo.”
“Perfect, huh?” The older guy smiles and Buck looks at him, blue eyes staring deeply into his.
It didn’t take long for him to fall in love for Tommy once they started to talk. He already knew he had a massive crush on the jock – who didn’t? – but once they started to hang out, get to know each other, kiss each other… Well, falling in love was just inevitable. The obvious next step.
“As long as we’re together, everything is perfect,” Buck whispers in the night, scared to say that out loud and disturb some force in the universe. He holds his breath as he feels Tommy’s body covering his, so big and strong and hot, warm, comfortable, safe. His.
“LA, then?” Tommy whispers back, smiling at him, eyes shining brighter than the stars above them, lips so close to Buck’s, he could almost taste them already.
“Unless you have another idea?”
“I’ll go wherever you go, sweetheart.” Tommy says before closing the distance between them. Buck’s heart skips a beat, and he moans softly into the kiss, one hand coming up to cup Tommy’s face, keeping him closer, not letting him break the kiss and go away.
Buck was almost done with school, and they had started to seriously plan their future a couple of months ago, during one of those late nights of stargazing. For Tommy, he would be fine settling somewhere away from where they grew up, not so far away that it would be difficult for them to come visit, but not too close that people would still know every step they take. But Buck wanted to explore, he had big dreams, he allowed himself to dream big and to dare. He didn’t want a small-town life. Tommy wanted to brave the skies, so Buck searched the best piloting programs for him and gave him the options. He still had no idea of what to do with himself, but he could figure it out along the way, as long as he had a solid plan for Tommy, to convince him they could work together, they could make that dream happen.
Last semester he had volunteered with their local Firehouse and fell in love with the job of a firefighter. Obviously, he knew it was easier to be a firefighter here than in freaking LA, but he didn’t care. He liked to help people, to fix things, he felt like the job would fit him like a glove. And if the best program for it was next to the best piloting program in the country for Tommy, well that was just an added bonus.
“I love you,” he hears Tommy whispering against his lips and his stomach does somersaults inside of him. Buck smiles, fingers lost in the middle Tommy’s curly hair.
“I love you too.”
~ * ~
Buck was already regretting this decision.
First of all, for someone who had no problem rappelling down tall buildings, he actually kind of hated to fly. He had grown used to drive everywhere once he was done with school and got the hell out of his city. He couldn’t bear the idea of staying there for a minute longer than necessary. He got into the Jeep his sister had left for him before she moved to Boston with her jerk of a boyfriend, and drove away without ever looking back.
He traveled around the country for a couple of years, finding some odd jobs here and there, never sticking around for longer than a couple of months. He went down to South America, learning new languages, people and habits. Learning more about himself, collecting memories, abilities and postal cards he never sent, other than the ones he did send to Maddie. He did all of this by car, never once feeling the need of getting on an airplane and going somewhere.
But now he only had a couple of days off – days he didn’t want to take, but he also wouldn’t let Maddie fly solo with her two-year-old daughter, let alone back to where they grew up. Chimney tried to get some days off for the holidays, but he owed a lot of favors, and everyone decided to collect at this time. Buck still had some time off he could request, so he took it upon himself to help Maddie and offer her some support – the same way she would with him.
It’d be the first time he’d get back home after leaving fifteen years ago. The memories of that past still came back every now and then to haunt him, as much as he tried to convince himself he was over it. Buck knew, deep down, there was no getting over anything related to that. You could never get over your first heartbreak.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Maddie asks for what it feels like the billionth time. Yes, he hated airplanes, but he also wouldn’t waste his precious days off on a forty-hour car journey to Pennsylvania and back to Los Angeles. “I’m fine to travel alone with Jee, you know?”
“I told you I was going. Not leaving you alone in there,” he repeated also for the billionth time as he checked for the millionth time if he had everything and the time of their departure. “It’s only Christmas. I’ve survived worse.”
“I’m more worried about the seven-hour flight.” Buck busied himself messing with his niece, she was quiet on Maddie’s lap, a little overwhelmed with all of the airport activity around them. Buck didn’t blame her; he really didn’t like airports. Last time he was in it, he was watching Abby leave.
“It’s fine; I’m fine.” He repeated almost as a mantra to himself. “I’ll take one of those meds for travel sickness that knocks people out, and only wake up when we touch down.”
Maddie didn’t seem so convinced, but Buck didn’t care. At this point, he was well aware that his anxiety was more towards going back home than the flight itself. Flights never triggered any bad memories, thinking about home, though? That was a can of worms he didn’t want to deal with, nor in presence, nor mentally, but now had no other option.
He still didn’t understand why Maddie wanted to come back home, let alone for Christmas. They never had a memorable Christmas for as long as Buck could remember – and only a few years ago did he find out why. They didn’t have many fond memories of their home growing up, so he couldn’t understand why Maddie wanted to take her daughter there. What she was hoping to accomplish. Much like him, his sister had left it all behind as fast as she could. Following Doug to Boston and never looking back. Buck had made plans once, too, but they were destroyed way before he could finish high school, so he made new ones. Maddie was supposed to come along with him, but eventually it was just Buck and the Jeep.
When his sister told him her plans for Christmas as he was trying to decide his, Buck just looked at her for a moment, waiting for Maddie to start laughing and saying it was just a prank. But she was serious, telling him about how their mom had told her over the phone how nice it’d be to have a Christmas with the family, especially now that there was a kid to bring all the joy. Buck seriously doubted his mom would know what joy was even if it smacked her in the face, but he went along. They said they were too tired to travel back to LA after so many back-and-forth they had done over the last couple of years. Both Maddie and Buck were sympathetic of it. It wasn’t an easy trip at all, let alone for the two of them who were already quite older.
“Last chance,” Maddie said next to him once their flight was announced.
“Let’s get this over with.”
“Oh, the Christmas’s spirit.”
~ * ~
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment?
The first time he saw Tommy, he wasn’t actually looking for him. He had his eyes on someone else, but in the search of Lauren from his chemistry class, he found broad shoulders, cleft chin and blue eyes so clear and bright he could see from across the corridor. Blue eyes that stared back at him in curiosity and calculated, poorly veiled, interest. Blue eyes that kept haunting him even after he got his chance with Lauren-from-Chemistry.
He knew his name because, after all, who didn’t know football star Tommy Kinard? Not only he was the coolest guy to hang around, but he was also nice and kind, very smart and with a dry sense of humor very few could understand. Buck didn’t think he was cool enough to hang with Tommy, and he seriously doubted Tommy even knew who he was. Buck was into sports, but he chose soccer instead of football – or, better yet, his parents wouldn’t sign off on him playing football, saying they had enough of Buck’s injuries. Not that it stopped him from getting injured, but that was a whole other story.
Fact is, Buck had no idea he was a part of Tommy Kinard’s orbit until he saw the boy in question walking towards him during one of the parties at Ted, or Brad, or was it Chad?, house. Buck had no idea what he was doing there either, one of his teammates had dragged him saying he needed a wing man. Buck barely got there and the guy in question was already off with the girl he had been pining over, leaving Buck alone sitting by the pool.
Buck was normally a social butterfly – or he pretended to be. He rarely isolated himself at these occasions, but last night Maddie had told him about her plans for the summer and he hated it. He hated her stupid boyfriend Doug and hated that his sister couldn’t see what a jerk that guy was. But, deep down, Buck could also understand the appeal of someone who could take her away from their house. He always hoped they could never take her away from him, but that seemed to be bound to happen whether he liked it or not. Now Maddie would be leaving in a couple of weeks and Buck would have the entire summer stuck in that house, with his parents arguing every other day.
Needless to say, Buck definitely didn’t want to be at this party, but he also didn’t want to be at home, so that was the less annoying option.
“You look like you could use a drink,” he hears the voice before feeling the warm big boy sitting next to him by the pool. Buck looks to the side and is hit with electric blue eyes and a warm smile. Tommy Kinard was offering him a drink.
“Thanks,” Buck accepts the cup offered to him without bothering to look inside, or even drink it. He really just wants to go home, actually. Even though he seems to have Tommy Kinard’s attention right now, not even that is enough to pull away the dark clouds that settled in when Maddie shared her plans to leave to freaking Boston with Doug, the jerk.
“I promise I didn’t put anything in it,” Tommy says, taking it the wrong way Buck’s refusal to consume the drink. “I do have something here if you feel like it, though.”
“I’m sure this is just fine, not really thirsty,” he can’t even find it in himself to laugh or be flirty back with the guy. Because he knew Tommy was flirting with him. He had heard the rumors around regarding the jock’s sexuality, but never paid enough attention. Once again, not like Tommy Kinard would ever pay attention to a loser like Buck.
“Is Evan, right?” He asked, not sounding offended by Buck’s refusal to drink. That caught his attention, everyone at school had already fallen into the habit of calling him Buck, so much that a few still looked confused whenever a teacher would call him by his name during class. Even a few teachers would call him ‘Buck’, nowadays Evan was just for his parents and, sometimes, Maddie. He hated when his parents called him by his name, he actually had started to kind of hate his name, but rolling out of Tommy’s mouth it didn’t sound so bad. The jock seemed to enjoy, savor the word on his tongue before pronouncing it. It made something twist inside of Buck.
“Yeah, people just usually call me Buck.” He shrugs, even though he liked Evan a little too much on Tommy’s voice.
“But do you mind ‘Evan’?” Buck could actually feel himself blushing. Only Tommy Kinard could have the power to turn his name into something good, and not make it sound like a curse the way his parents would.
“It’s alright,” he shrugs once again and feels Tommy’s body closer than before.
“I bet there’s a story there,” he had no idea how right he was, but it’s not like Buck would pour his entire heart out on the first time he gets to have his attention. “Wanna ditch this party and go somewhere else?”
Years later, Buck’s still not sure what made him trust that boy, hold his hand, get into his car and let him drive to the middle of nowhere. He was already aware of his bisexuality, but never acted on it. He had kissed and hands had explored other body parts, but nothing more had actually happened with either gender. Buck didn’t feel ready, his mind would get in the way most of the time already. He heard stories about Tommy, he knew he couldn’t believe one percent of them, but still… Some details were a little too similar to make it seem like it was all made up. He knew he was experienced, he was older and bolder, after all. He walked around with a confidence Buck envied a lot; he could only aspire to be half the person Tommy Kinard was.
His fear and doubts were unfounded, as Tommy never forced anything into him. He drove until a nearby lake that was empty that late in the night. He prompted Buck out of his car, and they sat on the hood, laying down to stargaze. Under the soft glow of the stars, they talked for hours. They shared bad parents experiences, how the sport was a good way to let all of the tension out, blow out some steam, and how they couldn’t wait to leave this all behind once they graduated.
It was the first time Buck shared his life with anyone else, not even Maddie knew how dark and low his thoughts would go sometimes, but on the first night with Tommy he spilled it all out. It felt good. Tommy actually listened to him, even if Buck would talk for hours non-stop. He paid attention, made him feel valued. Buck tried really hard not to fall for the boy so hard and fast, but it was quite impossible. Tommy made him feel things, but most of all, he made Buck feel seen and important and like he mattered.
When the jock took the initiative to kiss him, Buck went willingly, wishing they would take that kiss further than hands exploring a new unknown body, but Tommy didn’t force anything, seeming to respect not just his inexperience, but his state of mind. It almost made Buck cry over how tenderly he was kissed that night, how careful and delicate Tommy’s touches on his skin were, how he felt whole as the jock tasted his skin.
Looking up, he saw a shooting star, and, for the first time, he wished this could be real, that he wouldn’t be another name on Tommy’s list.
There really is some irony into the whole careful what you wish for.
~ * ~
Buck was really grateful that Maddie insisted on driving from the airport to their parents’ house. Not because he was still anxious with the flight, but because the moment they entered their old neighborhood, everything in front of him disappeared and all of the memories he had shoved down to the darkest corner of his mind came back with a punch that almost took his breath away. He closed his eyes, trying not to see all of the spots that brought the strongest, most painful memories, but it was all useless because he could see it all on his closed eyelids.
The entire place seemed to be tarnished by the memories and the heartbreak he thought he had gotten over years ago. Buck took a deep breath, not wanting to start crying inside the car next to Maddie – who had no idea of what had happened all of these years ago. She really thought his biggest struggle coming back here was facing their parents and the shitty house they grew up in. Maddie had no idea of the shitshow his life turned into after she left, after he graduated high school. She wasn’t there to fix his poor battered heart like she fixed all of his other injuries so many times.
“Hey, you okay?” He feels Maddie’s hand on his thigh and sighs, opening his eyes to see what’s changed around there: a whole bunch of nothing from what it seems.
“Yeah, tired.” It’s not a lie, but he also doesn’t feel like sharing the truth. Not like they’d have the time either, they’re almost at their parents’ house.
“We’ll be there soon, maybe you can take a nap before the night activities.” She suggests and Buck’s all for it until something gets his attention. He looks at his sister, very focused on the traffic.
“What night activities?” In all fairness to Maddie, he didn’t ask her many questions about their stay there, so he came just hoping for a few days of hiding inside the house until Christmas eve and Christmas night, then jumping on a plane and leaving. He never once considered the idea of having more planned than that, of their parents having their own agenda – that would probably now involve their kids and granddaughter.
“Mom mentioned something about us going out for dinner, apparently there’s this big party at the local bar, I have no idea why,” she looks honest, and Buck doesn’t want to doubt his own sister. Maddie doesn’t know, so she couldn’t be lying to him about it. She didn’t even want him to come with her, so she wouldn’t lie to him about this.
But their parents… Did they know? Buck doesn’t remember ever telling them – they barely talked, how could he? He also doesn’t think people gossiped about them; they were careful. Buck didn’t really care, but Tommy was the star of the school, he wasn’t out to everybody, especially his parents – his father could never dream of something like that. Despite everything, their close friends were cool to cover for them, and Buck kind of liked the thrill of the secret, of the forbidden fruit idea. As long as they were together…
“Can you get the bags and I get Jee, please?” Maddie asks, and Buck looks around, confirming they are there. His parents’ door facing him. Nothing had changed in the fifteen years he was gone. Not the aesthetic of the house and, most especially, the way it made him feel. He really should’ve pushed more for them to stay at a hotel – or maybe just him, closer to the airport so he could escape easily if necessary. “Come on, it will be over before you know it,” his sister tells him, Buck smiles even though he doubts it.
His parents welcome them with all the fuss is expected, as if there are actual TV cameras inside the house monitoring what they are doing, and people will gossip if they don’t show an ounce of excitement over their guests. He knows it’s more about Jee – they really seem to care and love her, more than they did with him at least – than him or Maddie, but he doesn’t care much. His sister seems excited, so he’s feeding of off it, he’s here for Maddie, not the other way around. He promised Chimney he would take care of them and stay by their side. So, Buck would stick to his promise, even if involved so much triggering images.
“So, later tonight we were thinking about going to that bar,” he hears his mother saying as they go deeper inside the house. Buck tries not to fixate too much on places and furniture, everything in here seems to trigger something inside of him. He’s going to need a whole week of therapy with Dr. Copeland to deal with those few days. “The Kinards are throwing a big party, their son is finally back home for Christmas, so they want to celebrate.”
“The… What… Tommy is back?” Buck asks before he can stop himself, feeling his entire body going cold.
“Yeah, it’s the first time in… Has it been fifteen years already?” His mom tries to do the mental math, but Buck could confirm to her how long Tommy’s being away to the last second. “He’s a decorated Army vet now, they are really excited for him to come back. It doesn’t seem he’s going to stick around, though.”
“Yeah, they say he plans on keeping being a pilot,” his father adds and Buck feels like jumping back on the damn plane and never looking back again. “So, we thought we’d go there and say ‘hi’, at least.”
“Not like we knew him, but the Kinards have been really kind over the years, you know?” His mom says, as if to say ‘since you two left us’ or something. Maybe the Buckleys and the Kinards parents did have something in common. Tommy was an only child and left; Buck and Maddie both left and never went back.
“Well, that’s nice, isn’t it, Buck?” Maddie says, putting Jee down so she can look around. She looks worried as she looks at him. Buck has no idea how he looks right now after learning that the exact moment he decides to come back home is also the exact date of Tommy’s return. “Are you still tired? Want to go up?” He wants to leave, as soon as possible actually, but he can’t. Not after they just arrived and because he doesn’t have any reason to do so. He could text Eddie and ask him to fake an emergency that needs his assistance immediately. Maddie would understand, his parents not so much, but he didn’t care about them.
“Yeah, I think I’m gonna go up a little. What time are we leaving?” He asks, he won’t run, he knows that. Not just for the stupid promise he made Chim, but because he’s a pathetic weak human being that wants to see Tommy. He needs to see the guy. Maybe deep down he’s a masochist – self diagnosed, obviously – but he feels like this is something he has to go through, maybe it’ll bring him some closure.
That’s what he convinces himself once he closes his eyes for a well-deserved nap.
~ * ~
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
Warm hands touch his back and Buck feels goosebumps taking over his entire body, he smiles, eyes still closed, still half-asleep. Soft lips touch his skin, it doesn’t take long for him to feel his tongue tasting him and Buck hears himself moaning. He hears the other boy chuckling and feels the sound vibrating through his entire body.
“Morning,” warm voice tells him, and Buck feels himself melting deeper into the mattress.
Flashes of last night come in to his mind and he sighs, feeling once again blissed out. They had taken advantage of Tommy’s parents going out of town. There wasn’t anything special planned, just some movies and probably a very hot and steamy make-out session. Tommy was always making sure that Buck was the one setting the pace, he would follow his lead. They had so little opportunity to be alone in private, it wasn’t a big mystery why nothing had ever happened. But when Tommy told him his parents would be out of town for some wedding from a relative – and Tommy told them he couldn’t go because he had to train for the next game – Buck knew it was the perfect opportunity. Blowjobs and handjobs had been exchanged in the past, especially under the stars, but Buck wanted more. He wanted to feel Tommy inside of him, he wanted to be inside of Tommy as well, whatever happened between them, he just wanted something more. If Buck was being honest, part of him just wanted to be fucked so hard he would forget how hellish his life was being since Maddie left.
“You with me, sweetheart?” Tommy asks when Buck doesn’t reply. He really wants to go back to sleep, but the other boy’s touch is too good, and it brings back all of the memories. He turns and is now laying on his back, opening his eyes to find his now favorite shade of blue looking back at him with so much adoration it makes him breathless. “There you are,” Tommy whispers before giving him a sweet chaste kiss, morning breath be damned.
“Hi, you,” Buck whispers against his lips. Tommy’s hand now resting on top of his stomach.
“Are you okay? Do you feel any discomfort?”
“I feel… Perfect, everything was perfect last night.” Buck assures him, pulling him closer so Tommy’s body is flushed against his and marvels at the sensation. He wanted to be able to carry Tommy everywhere so he could be his own personal weighted blanket.
Sometimes, part of him feels silly for falling so hard for Tommy, but ever since they got together, the jock never gave him any reason to doubt him and his intentions. From what he heard around school, as well, Tommy’s not the type to play around with someone’s heart. Also, he had shared a good amount of shit with Buck, so Buck would have a lot of ammunition if Tommy ever thought about doing anything against him. Not that Buck would stoop so low, he’d never betray someone’s trust like that, but it served to soothe his nerves whenever he felt doubts about Tommy’s true intentions with him.
~ * ~
Buck stares at himself in the mirror and questions for the hundredth time if he really wants to put himself through this. Is he really that pathetic? Yes, he is, because when Maddie knocks on the bathroom door, he takes one last breath and leaves the room, following her downstairs. Just like him, Jee-Yun had a good nap in the afternoon, so his niece might last a couple more hours beyond her bedtime. If anything, Buck will be more than glad to come back home with her if it means he’ll stay away from Tommy Kinard.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Maddie asks as they walk towards the car she rented to drive around, Buck’s holding Jee because he just needed something to do with his hands.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, even though he feels anything but.
“Uncle Buck sad,” Jee says on his arms, using her tiny chubby hands to put his lips up in a smile. That makes him laugh and he kisses her hands away, making her giggle.
“You made Uncle Buck happy, Jee!” Maddie plays along and the baby girl smiles. Buck feels her laugh warming him up from inside. He’ll probably use his own niece as a security blank this night, if needed.
He drives this time, assuring Maddie that he doesn’t intend to drink that much, so she can enjoy herself and he is on babysitting duties – no worries. Probably the only positive side of this trip is the excuse to spend more time with his niece. Giving his busy schedule, and even Maddie’s, sometimes he can spend an entire month without seeing her in person, just video-calls and pictures Maddie and Chim send him sometimes.
“Well, I’ll have to make the rounds with her, ‘cause Mom wants to show her off, but if she starts to fuss too much, I’ll call you.” Maddie assures him once they arrive and she’s taking Jee out of her car-seat. “Are you sure you want to babysit her?”
“Positive, you deserve some night out, even if it’s here.” Buck tells her, messing a little with Jee.
“I thought you’d want to see some old friends,” Maddie ponders as they start to walk towards the entrance. Buck looks around, a feeling of déjà vu taking over. Much like the rest of the neighborhood, nothing changed much here, and the bar is no different. They used to come here during lunch hours or after school, when milkshake was cheaper for the school kids.
“There’s nothing for me here, Madds,” he tells her and ignores the way his sister looks at him. There’s no doubt in his mind that Maddie knows he’s hiding something, but she’s not going to push for it unless she feels a need for, or if Buck shows any signs of wanting to share something. He probably will, eventually, not now. “See you on the other side.” He tells as they walk in.
The bar is already packed and it’s not difficult for Buck to see where the biggest commotion is. Tommy was always a tall guy, and as an adult, that didn’t change. He ducks and takes a different path than Maddie, sitting on a dark corner around the bar and ordering himself a beer. He’ll keep his promise to not drink, but he needs at least something in his system to face the rest of the night.
Around him, he hears people talking loudly about themselves, and every now and then he catches someone mentioning Tommy’s name. He really tries not to focus too much on them, but it’s hard, he’s a sucker still and wants to know things he won’t be able to find out on his own. He feels a little pissed that everyone seems to know so much about the guy and he’s left with nothing. There used to be a time when he knew everything and more about Tommy. There were no secrets between them, nothing left to be told later. They shared everything, from the good to the bad. From dreams to nightmares. Expectations and the fear of never being able to turn them into reality.
Now, Buck had no idea of who that man was. The only thing he was sure about Tommy Kinard was that he was the one who had broken his heart in so many pieces Buck was sure it wasn’t healed yet. Actually, Buck was sure that Tommy had taken his heart with him when he left. Maybe now he could give it back. If he still had it, that is. Maybe he had dumped on a river or blew it up with some grenade.
He looks around from where he is sitting and finds Maddie talking with some woman he doesn’t recognize, who seems enamored with Jee-Yun – isn’t everybody? – and he smiles sweetly. His parents are talking with a couple he finds familiar but can’t recognize where from. He also recognizes some people he went to school with, not maintaining eye contact for long because he doesn’t feel like talking. He’s there just to bring Jee home when the time comes and to inflict himself some pain and misery – not like he didn’t have enough of those in his lifetime, but oh well.
When he finds Tommy in the middle of the crowd, his breath hitches. He’s as gorgeous as he remembers, but in a more mainly way – as it should be expected. He was taller, more muscular. His face had a nice scruff, his hair was still short, the curls more tamed this time than Buck remembers. His cleft was more prominent, that was always Buck’s favorite part of his face to kiss – other than his lips. He used to kiss the cleft goodbye every time he had to go home, and Tommy would always laugh at his antics. Buck knew he liked it though. The same way he always liked when the jock kissed him on his birthmark, it was always such a sweet gesture it would make Buck feel like melting on the inside.
He smiles fondly as he takes another sip of his beer and looks around, nothing seemed to change inside the bar either. It did seem a bit brighter, the walls with a new coat of paint. But still had the cozy feeling he remembers from his past. They used to love spending their afternoons here, drinking milkshakes and sharing a big portion of French fries.
“Finally found you,” Buck feels himself tensing up at the familiar voice. It’s different now, more mature, more masculine, rougher and adult. Tommy approaches him, taking advantage of the vague space near him. Buck immediately gets a – involuntary – sniff of his perfume and feels dizzy. He didn’t leave the woodsy with a hint of honey smell behind, from the looks of it, the honey actually seemed more enhanced, and Buck felt his mouth watering with it. Pathetic. “Thought we wouldn’t have a chance to talk.”
“Yeah, well, everyone wants a piece of you, apparently,” Buck says, refusing to look at the man next to him, now leaning down on the counter and getting way too close for comfort. He knows that one look towards Tommy, especially this close, will be enough for him to throw the anger away, and Buck likes his anger. It has become his best friend over the years.
“But not you?” Tommy asks and Buck almost laughs when desire is replaced for more anger and a sudden urge to actually punch him. The audacity. The only thing holding him is that he doesn’t want to cause a scene, and he doesn’t want to give more power than Tommy already has over him.
“Nah, I’ve had enough fifteen years ago.” He replies at last, finishing his beer and getting of his stool, suddenly feeling suffocated by the entire environment around him, but most specially the man staring at him. He hopes Jee-Yun is ready to leave, or that Maddie will allow him to take her home now. He can’t stay there for a minute long. Before he can help himself, he takes one look at Tommy and is met with the same sparkling blue eyes he once loved so much. That once meant peace and comfort, and now it was just synonym of pain and heartbreak. “They can have all of you for all I care.”
“Evan…” He hears Tommy calling him but doesn’t look back. He just hopes the man doesn’t follow him or all of his resolve will fall, and Buck will say more than Tommy probably bargained for. Not that he cares, but he also feels like he’ll be losing if he gives in and allows Tommy to have things his way.
“Can I take her home now, please?” Buck asks once he finds Maddie, thankfully Jee seems to be fussing and holds her arms out to her uncle. Buck takes her on instinct.
“You okay?” Maddie asks, and this time he can’t hide from her. He knows he doesn’t look good.
“No, I’ll tell you later.” He pats Jee’s head, and she leans on his shoulder, it doesn’t take long for him to feel her body getting heavier on his arms. “Call me when you want to leave, I’ll came and pick you up.”
“I’ll go with you,” Maddie offers.
“Please, don’t… Not now,” he all but begs her and his sister seems a lot more worried but agrees. Taking a step back but still keeping her hand on his arm.
“I’ll get back with Mom and Dad, don’t worry. Get some rest.” She tells him, getting on the tip of her toes to give him a kiss, and then kissing Jee’s hair. “Be careful.”
“Always,” he tells her, offering what he hopes is a good smile.
Buck is out in the parking lot, walking towards their car, when he sees him looking around. Buck really wishes he could make it a perfect exit, without being caught, but the sound of his snickers on the gravel is a dead giveaway and Tommy turns to look at him. At least he has the excuse of being with Jee to not cause a scene and not staying long, but he knows there’s no escaping.
“Evan,” Tommy calls, coming towards them. Buck finds the car and goes towards it, not picking up the pace or anything, part of him feels curious to hear whatever bullshit Tommy has to tell him. He stops shortly near them, offering him some much appreciated space. “Didn’t know you have a daughter.”
“Niece, not that’s any of your business,” Buck opens the door to put Jee in with practiced easy. “How would you know either way?” He asks once he strapped her in and closed the door swiftly, feeling proud with himself for not disturbing her sleep. Even though he knows his niece is a heavy sleeper. “Not like you kept in touch in the last fifteen years, right?”
“Evan…” Tommy starts again, and Buck’s really getting tired of him saying his name like that. There was a time he felt like his name was a praise, something good coming out of Tommy’s mouth, now it had the same sour ringing as whenever his parents would say it: a curse, something malignant.
“I really need to put her to bed,” he says, hating his coward ass for using his niece as an excuse. “And I also have nothing to talk to you, so… You should go back inside, lots of people who care about whatever you’ve been up to.”
“What if I don’t care about them?” Tommy asks, allowing Buck to reach the driver side. “What if I only want to talk to you?”
“Guess you can finally have a taste of the same disappointment that I had when you left.” Buck says, then stops himself, car door open. “Oh, wait, you can’t… It’s not like I promised you something and left you hanging, right?” He looks the man up and down, feeling a weird satisfaction to see him somewhat hurt over his words. It’s nowhere near close to how Buck felt all of these years ago, but he’ll take whatever he can get. “Have a good night, Kinard.”
He gets inside the car and takes off before he can have any regrets, or the other man has the opportunity to say anything that would change his mind. He feels some kind of satisfaction watching his figure turning smaller on the rearview mirror, Tommy not leaving the spot probably until the car disappeared in the distance. Buck fights the tears clouding his vision, reminding himself he needs to get his niece home safe and sound.
~ * ~
I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
Buck is pissed. He hates feeling that way, but he can’t help it either. He was running late to school, again, and still his mom chose that moment to pick on him for something so random he couldn’t even remember what it was anymore. He didn’t care, but her voice yelling at him was still ringing in his ear when he arrived at school just in time for the last bell ringing. He didn’t look around, he didn’t search for a friend or, better yet, Tommy, even though he guessed the boy was worried about him. Buck was never late for school, especially since they started to date. They had so little time to be together, that those twenty minutes before class were precious and they liked to soak up and enjoy every single second.
But with his sour mood, Buck didn’t feel like the best company to be around now. He ducked his head and tried to make his way straight to class. Only to feel familiar hands closing around his upper arm and causing him to stop in the middle of the corridors. Buck didn’t have to look up to see who was holding him back, he recognized the touch, the smell, the warm body. He waited until they were alone and then turned back to face the boy, still not looking up, instead burying his face on his chest and sighing heavily when strong arms embraced him.
“You want to talk about it?” Tommy asks, one hand caressing Buck’s hair while the other holds him firmly. Buck denies with a motion of his head and Tommy replies by giving him a kiss to the top of his head, ever so understanding it almost makes Buck want to cry even harder. How is it possible that Tommy makes it seem so easy to love him and his own mom makes it look like is the hardest job ever given to her? Wasn’t she, of all people, supposed to love him like it was the most natural thing? And wasn’t Tommy supposed to find it quite difficult to love him? Why was his life so screwed up?
“Can you…” Buck looks up, blue eyes staring back at him with so much love and adoration is almost painful. It almost makes his heartbreak over the easy love he doesn’t have from his mom. Tommy and he didn’t exchange I love you’s yet, but he feels it inside of him and coming from the other boy. “Can you get me out of here?”
“Yeah, of course, let’s go.” Tommy has his arm around Buck’s shoulder and looks around as they leave the school building, making sure they’re not getting caught. They make it to the jock’s car without anyone stopping them, and before Buck knows, they are out of the school premises, driving towards their lake spot.
They’ve never been in the lake during the day, only late at night, avoiding people looking at them. But this time of the day, during school hours, Buck doubts someone will be there to see them. Tommy has also once said it was a pretty isolated spot, and he himself had been there a couple of times during the day and never got caught. And never saw someone around there either. Buck trusts this as he watches the city passing by through the car window, Tommy’s hand never leaving his since they got in.
Once they park on their usual spot, the car is silent but Buck feels Tommy’s worried eyes on him. He takes in the view for a moment, watching as the lake literally sparkles under the sun light, birds flying back and forth from their nests, he sees some butterflies around and hear some kids in the distance. Other than that, the place is peaceful and quiet. Like it was promised.
“I don’t know how you do it,” he hears himself breaking the silence. Buck stares at Tommy, tears in his eyes blurring the perfect vision of the jock sitting next to him, looking at him with worry. “How do you make it seem so easy to love me?” He knows it’s a bold move to assume Tommy loves him, but he has seen the signs, right? They never said it, but it doesn’t mean they don’t feel it, right? Tommy looks tense for a moment, but then he relaxes, holding Buck’s hand up and kissing his knuckles.
“Because it is,” he answers simply against his skin. Buck hears himself sobbing. “It’s the easiest thing I do on a daily basis, sweetheart.” His other hands come to cup Buck’s face, and he leans into the touch. “Sorry for not saying it to you sooner.”
“No… Don’t, you don’t have to apologize,” Buck assures him. “I just… You make it seem so easy, so, why can’t she?”
Tommy stares at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for their position inside the car, but Buck doesn’t mind, he goes willingly and sighs into his embrace, allowing himself to spill out of the tears he had been holding on since that morning. He feels Tommy’s lips on his hair, his hands holding him so close as if trying to piece his broken parts together.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers into his hair and Buck sobs again. “I honestly can’t understand how anyone can ever meet you, and get to know you, and doesn’t fall in love with you immediately.”
He has no idea of how long they stay there in that position. It’s pretty uncomfortable, but he can’t get enough of Tommy’s soothing touches. They don’t speak more than that, Tommy doesn’t press him to share more, and Buck doesn’t feel like it. It’s not like Tommy already doesn’t know what happened, he had his fair share of listening to Buck talking about his arguments with his parents – which increased a lot since Maddie left.
“Come here with me,” Tommy says after a while, gently pushing him away and opening his door. Buck’s no longer crying, he was actually almost falling asleep on the jock’s arms, and he’s confused, but follows along, meeting Tommy in front of the car.
It’s nice out, quite chilly for his own taste, but it does mean people don’t feel too keen on going somewhere near a lake – where the temperatures are even lower. Tommy is smiling when Buck meets him and he extendes his hands, Buck takes it, even though he’s not following.
“Dance with me,” Tommy asks, bringing him closer until their bodies are flushed against each other. The jock presses one hand on his lower back, the other holding his hand up, Buck instinctively takes his free hand to the other boy’s shoulder.
“There’s no music,” Buck observes and Tommy smiles even brighter.
“Who says you need music to dance?” He asks before starting to lead him on a very uncoordinated dance. Buck can’t help himself but laugh. “When I was a kid, caught my mom and dad dancing without any music on. I asked what they were doing… She told me there’s only one reason why you dance without music on and that’s because you’re very happy. And there’s one reason why you dance with somebody without music on: when you love them so much you feel like bursting from happiness and love.” Buck feels his eyes tearing up once again as he looks at the man in front of him, heart all but filled with love and happiness. “I’ve been dancing a lot without music ever since I met you.”
“Tommy…” Buck says in a whisper, looking at him in wonder. He knows very well Tommy’s not a sweet talker, he never says anything he doesn’t mean. That’s why his declaration is even more powerful. He has a full-on declaration of love no one has ever been able to say to him. “I love you, too.” Tommy smiles, leaning in to capture his lips.
“I know, baby,” he says against Buck’s lips and the younger boy laughs. Tommy pulls back and stares at him for a moment, still moving around in a small circle. “I wish my love for you was enough to make up for hers.”
“Maybe it is,” Buck tells him, even though they both know that’s a lie. Buck wouldn’t be so upset if it wouldn’t. “Maybe one day it will be.”
~ * ~
Buck didn’t tell Maddie what happened. Somehow, he managed to survive Christmas week without running into Tommy – it would mean he would have to leave the house for that to happen, which he didn’t until it was the day after Christmas, and they left to go back to the airport. Maddie tried to get the truth out of him, but he always managed to escape, or something would come up to get her attention. He thought she would try to ambush him on the seven-hour flight back, but thankfully she respected his anxiety over flying, and Jee was also very fussy, so he just relaxed on his seat as much as he could and managed to sleep during the flight back.
Once they were back in Los Angeles, everything that happened during Christmas break seemed all but forgotten. To his parents’ credit, Buck considered himself to having a nice time over there, despite the shadow of Tommy Kinard hovering over him. He was thankful over the fact that, even though his parents seemed very fond of the Kinards, they didn’t seem close enough to grant them unexpected visits, or maybe they were just too caught up with their army son being back home to care about anything else. Buck wasn’t questioning anything.
He buried himself in work, hoping to be able to bury the unwanted memories that surfaced with his trip back to Pennsylvania and facing Tommy again. He was in a sour mood for most days and not the funniest person to be around, but he didn’t care. Everyone tried to talk to him, but eventually they gave up over the fear of him literally biting their heads off. His bad mood annoyed even himself, but he couldn’t help it. There were just too many memories, too much pain he was able to put away since Tommy left. Now it was just back again, he felt raw, like burning alive, like his skin coming off of him and nothing to protect him. He felt like an exposed fracture with no way to fix it. And he wanted to talk to someone but talking meant revive all of it all over again, and that was just too much pain.
But the thing about trying to keep something hidden, is that eventually it will blow up to your face. No matter how hard you try not to.
Buck feels hopeless as he watches the houses burning down around them, most specifically the one where Eddie is now, trying to save a young kid, when he hears the distinct noise of an airplane approaching, too close to be a normal commercial airplane. He looks back and recognizes the white and red engine, knowing very well what it means before Bobby himself starts to yell at people telling them to take cover. Buck ducks under one of the firetrucks with a few other civilians just in time for the water to come down. For a moment he feels like he’s under a nice cascade, the water coming down unforgiving, putting down any fire without resistance. With relief he hears Eddie telling them he’s coming out with the kid and Buck busies himself helping some people out of under the truck.
It's the first time he feels pumped over something in weeks. He always felt some kind of interest towards air operations, and to see it in action after so many years in the job makes him somewhat excited. He feels himself smiling as he narrates the scene to Eddie and the man is annoyed over being extremely drenched, but he hears his best friend yapping with some excitement in his own face given how long it’s been since he last saw Buck that excited.
He doesn’t blame them. Buck is known for not being able to keep a secret for that long to save his own life. But he convinces himself he’s not keeping a secret, he’s just saving himself from all the worried talk he’ll hear from all of them, telling him it wasn’t his fault, and that Tommy probably had his reasons to leave… Buck didn’t want to hear that, he also didn’t want people taking his side and being against Tommy even though they’d probably never meet the guy – he was that pathetic.
By the end of the shift, he was still feeling some kind of excited over that call, even though the other ones were quite uneventful. He was leaving and considering making plans with Eddie for some pizza night with Christopher – it had been a while since the last time – when he saw the group gathered around someone, talking excitedly over something. Buck felt the urge to leave, he should’ve followed his instincts, but he decided to come over and find out what the buzz was all about.
“That was you, man?” He heard Eddie and then the voice hit him like a lightning bolt.
“Yeah, heard it all over the radio, and then Howie called.” What the fuck was Tommy doing here? In Buck’s workplace? And how did he know Chimney’s name? Buck got closer and felt familiar blue eyes on top of him, watching him.
“What the fuck?” He hears himself saying, not as low as he thought, given all the sets of eyes staring at him.
“Hey, Buck, come meet…”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He cuts Chimney without a care in the world. His entire good mood gone sour in seconds since he heard Tommy’s voice. He’s very close to seeing red.
“Wow…” Chim says, looking between them, but Buck’s just staring at Tommy. “Tommy helped us earlier, during the burning neighborhood call. Saved Eddie’s ass? Some appreciation would be nice, you know?”
“Appreciation?” Buck laughs dryly. It’s not Chimney’s fault, but he can’t stop himself. He checks everybody quickly, not surprised that everyone seems confused as they stare at him: Eddie, Chim, Hen, even Bobby from a small distance. Buck realizes he’s making the scene he avoided in Pennsylvania and reels back. He’s not letting Tommy win this. “Seems you have enough appreciation for me, so I’ll just leave.”
“Buck…”
“See you guys later,” he says, not stopping when Eddie calls him, and not caring for everyone questioning what all of that was about.
“Evan, wait…” He closes his eyes as he hears the voice calling him, and then the goddamn footsteps following him out of the firehouse. “Evan, wait… Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you worked here.”
“Don’t care,” Buck says, moving straight to his Jeep, hoping he can escape as easy as he did during the party back home.
“I’ve worked here before, so once I heard the 118 was having some trouble to put out some fires, I offered to come help.” Tommy keeps saying, still following him, and Buck just sighs heavily, why is his car so far away and…
“Wait,” he stops on his tracks and turns around. The red is back in his vision now. Tommy takes a few steps closer to him and stops, still keeping a safe distance when he sees Buck murderous look. “What do you mean you worked here before?” Buck questions, because he can’t help himself. “I thought that stupid party during Christmas was all about you coming back home from the army…”
“It was my first time back in Pennsylvania,” Tommy tells, voice careful. He seems almost happy that Buck’s giving him some kind of attention, even if still feels very aggressive. “I’ve been in LA for almost a decade now.”
In his career, Buck’s been through a lot. He had a firetruck crushing his leg. He dealt with blood clots and almost losing his job. He saw his best friend being shot and almost dying. He almost lost his sister to her abusive husband. He faced a goddamn tsunami and almost lost his best friend’s son in it. He saw Chimney almost dying a couple of times. He also faced some pretty bad break-ups. But nothing seemed to hurt as much as finding out the only person he ever truly loved, the person who caused his first heartbreak, has been living close to him all of these years. He thinks about their paths almost crossing again when Buck joined the 118. How long has it been since Tommy left? How long before Buck came in?
He feels his hand dropping his duffel bag next to him and closing in fists. He wants to punch Tommy, to make him hurt as bad as he’s hurting inside, but he doesn’t move. He just stares at the man in front of him wondering if it really is the same person he fell in love with so many years ago. It can’t be. That Tommy, his Tommy, must have been kidnapped and replaced by this person standing in front of him. It was the only possible explanation he could think of.
“You what?” He hears himself talking, his voice sounds rough and sharp even for his own ears and he hates it. “You mean to tell me you’ve been back all of these years and couldn’t bother to come look for me?”
“Well… I…” Tommy stutters and Buck almost laughs. “Is that why you hate me, Evan? Because I didn’t come look for you?”
“Okay, first of all, is Buck, no one calls me that anymore, not even my parents.” It’s honestly the least of all his problems, but Buck doesn’t care. Tommy calling him Evan still holds too much power over him, and he can’t give in. “Second… Are you kidding me? What did you expect here?” He notices people looking at them from the doors of the firehouse but doesn’t care. “You left, Tommy! You up and left after… We talked, we made plans, we dreamed of a fucking future together, and the next day you were puff, gone.” He spits it out, finally giving in to his anger and letting it all out. It feels freeing, somehow. “How do you want me to feel about this? That the first person I ever loved made me dream about a future, played with me and my feelings, gave me hopes, and just left?” He asks, not caring anymore about how he sounded or who was watching and listening. “You expected me to, what? Just fall at your feet like everybody else? Pretend you didn’t take my heart with you to the fucking army and blew it up with some IED?”
“Ev… Buck,” Tommy corrects once he sees Buck starting to correct him. “Look, I…”
“And you know what’s the worst part?” Buck cuts him, because he can’t stop it anymore. The dam he kept closed for so long finally rupturing and pouring everything out. “I had to hear about your disappearing act on the fucking grocery store, over the corridors. Listening to your mom telling some random person how upset she was, but how proud both her and your dad were of you, but how it still hurt to leave you at the airport that morning.” Buck narrates, feeling the same pain he felt fifteen years ago coming back, as if it was just happening all over again. “And I was there, buying all of these things for us to take on a stupid picnic, because I was stupid enough to believe you actually loved me, and actually cared about me, and would be at home later when I knocked there to ask you out.” He word-vomits, feeling some sort of satisfaction at seeing Tommy’s eyes filled with tears and him being hurt over what Buck had just shared. “Is that a good enough reason for me to hate you, Tommy? Or do you think it’s vain and silly me being angry towards you being back for years and never once coming after me to apologize or explain yourself? I had to get lucky and decide to follow my sister home so she would have some assistance with my niece? And then see my best friend almost dying and you coming out of nowhere to save the day to discover you were back? Would you ever come after me? Or did you blow up all of the memories we did together? Or you never actually cared, and I was just another one?”
He's met with silence. Tommy just stares at him completely devasted and heartbroken, tears streaming down his face. Buck wants to feel bad, but he feels vindicated that the man can finally feel some of the pain he’s been feeling for the past fifteen years. Buck feels tired all of the sudden, and it’s not because of the rough shift they just had. He takes Tommy’s silence and turns around, finally getting to his car, throwing his duffel bag inside and getting in after it, turning it on. Once again, he stares at Tommy’s figure through the rearview mirror, but this time there’s no satisfaction, just pain. He drives to his sister’s house, that is closer, not trusting himself to drive home in this state and in desperate need of some comfort.
~ * ~
When Buck fell from his bike, his first thought was how long has it been since he last injured himself. Months, according to his medical history. Almost a year. It didn’t take him long to connect the dots on why that was. Blue eyes come to his mind immediately and he almost smiled as the doctor put the cast on his arm. It wasn’t anything serious, but it did mean a couple of weeks with no big activities, like soccer, for example. It was fine by Buck, he was already quite bored with soccer anyway, maybe he could use the opportunity to finally quit it.
When he got to school the next day, he felt a lot of eyes on him, but the one that weighed the most was blue eyes who stared at him in worry. He gave the signal and went to their secret place. It didn’t take long for him to hear Tommy’s footsteps on the abandoned stairs and then his arms around him in a careful hug, his eyes were worried, and his face showed concern.
“I’m fine,” Buck was quick to assure him, but Tommy wasn’t convinced, taking a step back to assess his injuries. “Fell from the bike going back home yesterday,” he explains as Tommy touches his chin, carefully, and makes him turn his face. “Really, Tommy, I’m fine. I’ve been worse.” He saw blue eyes getting darker at the mention of a past Buck who was more reckless. “You know, yesterday the doctor said it’s been almost a year since my last injury. I wonder what the cause of it must be… Or who.” He smiles, staring back at the boy in front of him and Tommy finally cracks, finally falls for Buck’s charm.
“Flatterer,” the boy says, and Buck pouts, a silent request for a kiss Tommy is quick to oblige. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, it’s nothing serious, just a couple of weeks of no strenuous activities.”
“I tried to call you last night,” Tommy tells him and Buck blushes a little, still not used to that even though they’ve been together for almost a year now.
“Yeah, I was passed out from pain killers and adrenaline ran off.” He explains.
Tommy looks at him for a while, as if studying him. Buck watches as the jock worries his bottom lip between his teeth and waits him out. He’s not assured yet; Buck can feel it. He has told Tommy all about his injuries in the past, how it was the way he found to get his parents attention and for them to stop fighting. Tommy didn’t like to hear that, and Buck promised he didn’t do this anymore. He stopped caring about it, about how his parents perceived him. Buck accepted that all they wanted to do was fight, so he wouldn’t stand in their way anymore.
“You promise me you didn’t do it on purpose?” Tommy asks at last, and Buck can’t really blame him. He probably still remembers the last time Buck got to school mad at an argument with his mom, the day they skipped classes.
“I swear,” Buck tells him quietly and seal his promise with a kiss. He can actually feel Tommy relaxing under his touch and smiles, glad he was able to reassure the jock. “I love you.”
“Love you, too,” Tommy says against his lips.
~ * ~
I guess I still care
Do you still care?
It’s late, he feels drained and exhausted as he gets in the elevator of his building, coming back home after spending almost three hours in Maddie’s house letting her into everything that happened. Everything. He came out to everybody a long time ago, so his sexuality wasn’t an issue on the conversation, but revealing a whole secret relationship that started during Maddie’s last year in town and he’s been carrying all of these years, that was quite tricky.
Maddie heard him with the patience of a saint, and thankfully she didn’t seem to condemn his attitudes, she actually validated him to some degree, and he felt good about it. Maddie even agreed that he acted great during the Holidays, not bringing the mood down and respecting himself. Howie, miraculously, arrived about the same time Buck was ready to leave, but he still took his time to apologize for how he talked to his brother-in-law earlier.
He felt good and lighter after finally getting all of it out of his chest. Now he feels ready to sleep it off the entire shift and get his twelve hours of well-deserved rest. And somehow, he doesn’t feel surprised when he gets to his door and finds Tommy sitting on the floor next to it. The man is leaning against the wall, head tilted back, eyes closed. For a moment Buck wonders if he fell asleep and if he could pass him without disturbing his peace, getting inside of the apartment without having to deal with whatever they’d deal with now. But, probably hearing him or sensing his presence, Tommy opens his eyes as Buck gets closer to the door.
“Do I wanna know how you have my address?” Buck asks, even though he probably knows de answer. He also doesn’t feel as angry as he thought he would. Maybe finally giving a piece of his mind to Tommy earlier and pouring his entire heart out to Maddie for the past three hours did some good. Looking back, it was probably the longest time Buck had actually spent mad at someone.
“For the sake of your co-workers, I’d say no.” Tommy replies, still not getting up. Buck didn’t move either, waiting. “I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, let alone see me…”
“Still didn’t stop you from stalking me and showing up on my doorstep,” Buck adds.
“Can we please talk?”
Buck can say no, and part of him wants to. But after getting all of it off of his chest, he feels like he’s somehow ready to hear what Tommy has to say to him. Truth be told, he’s quite tired of being mad and not knowing. Keep pushing him away, especially now that he knows Tommy is near, won’t help him at all. He unlocks his door and opens it, getting into his apartment and holding the door open so the other man can follow him. Tommy seems relieved for being able to get in, getting up and following Buck inside, taking a look around the place and not hiding his surprise in seeing how well Buck’s done for himself. Buck takes his time locking the door and putting his duffle at the bottom steps of the stair leading to his bedroom. He wonders if he should offer Tommy anything, he might be friendly now, but does that mean he wants to have a beer with the guy? He opts to not offer anything and just leans on his kitchen island, waiting him out.
“You know, I’ve been sitting there pretty much all night, trying to think of everything I have to say to you,” Tommy starts, looking at him, hands on the pockets of his jeans. “And I still have no idea where to start.” Buck pulls one of the stools from his kitchen island and sits down.
“I have time,” he offers. He needs to sleep, but now he’s too wired to do that. He knows his mind won’t shut up until they get to the bottom of it.
“Evan…” Tommy starts and stops himself; he looks at Buck, almost waiting to be scolded for the slip up, but Buck just looks, waiting. “Can I call you Evan?” He had forgotten how considerate Tommy used to be towards his limits, his preferences. Buck shrugs.
“Doesn’t look like I can stop you,” he points it out. “Don’t really care.”
“I’m really sorry we got to this point,” Tommy tells him, and he seems honest. “It was never my intention to cause you so much pain.”
“And yet…” Tommy sighs, he holds the chair in front of him and leans forward for a moment. Buck takes a deep breath and adjusts himself on the stool. “Look, it’s okay if you didn’t love me anymore, okay? Or if you never did. Like, I get it. I’ve always been too much for people, apparently, so I get why you left and didn’t bother to tell me.”
“What… That’s not…” Tommy straights himself up and stares at him like Buck just grew two more heads. “Evan, I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you anymore.” He says, finding the idea the most absurd thing on Earth. “I left because I had to. It was about me, I needed that.”
“Okay,” Buck considers, as excuses go, it’s not entirely a bad one, but it does have its flaws. “And you couldn’t have said goodbye? You couldn’t have told me you were planning to leave?”
“How would I tell you goodbye, Evan?” Tommy asks, seemingly in pain. “You were the only person who could make me stay. The only one who would be able to convince me not to risk my life by joining the army.” He admits and Buck feels something tightening in his chest. “I wanted it all with you. LA, travelling around the country, the world, whatever… They were dreams for me too, and I wanted to live it, live them with you.” He sees the exact moment a tear rolls down Tommy’s eyes and feels his own filling with the salty water. “And if I said goodbye to you? Evan, I could never leave.”
“What was so bad about staying?” Buck asks quietly. Part of him feels relieved that Tommy didn’t play around with his heart, but it still hurts that he still left even though he didn’t want to. “Wasn’t I enough?”
At this question, Tommy seems to throw caution to the wind. In three large strides he’s face to face with Buck, hands holding the younger man’s face, eyes pleading filled with guilt and tears. Buck feels the air leaving his chest at the sudden, still familiar touch. He wants to lean into it, touch-starved, Tommy-starved.
“Not you, Evan!” Tommy tells him, desperately, almost begging Buck to believe him. “Me. I wasn’t enough for you, for that city, for LA, for the dream, for myself.” He tells him, face so close Buck can feel their breaths mingling, he feels and almost tastes the honey scent coming out of the other man’s pores. Tommy leans in, touching their foreheads. “You are perfect, baby, always were, never changed.” He whispers into Buck, desperate, craving something he wasn’t able to have for all those years. The term of endearment tugs at something inside of him. “But me?” He opens his eyes and leans back, as if he still wasn’t worthy of Buck. “I was a mess, Evan, I had no idea of what to do; I would stare at myself in the mirror and have no idea of what you saw in me. How could I, so broken inside, so lost, be lucky enough to strike someone like you? How could this happen?”
“Tommy… You think I never felt this way? I never asked myself the same thing? My own parents couldn’t love me, Tommy, how screwed up that was?” Buck remembers, his hands itching to touch the other man, but he didn’t feel quite ready to do so. “And there I was, being so profoundly loved by you. And you made it seem so easy, so obvious… But then you left.”
“I know, baby, I know, and I’m so, so, so, so, so sorry for this.” Tommy tells him, tears streaming down his face. So vulnerable, so open. Buck feels something breaking and healing inside of him at the same time. “I thought I was doing the right thing, that I was setting you free… It scared me to think of us leaving town and you eventually getting tired of me, realizing you didn’t want that. You didn’t want me.”
“For fifteen years I hated you, Tommy,” Buck confesses, seeing the man in front of him flinching at the thought. “And even at the worst times of my hate, I never once stopped wanting you.” He almost smiles at the surprise on the other man’s face and eyes. “During Christmas, I couldn’t even look at you because I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist you. If I didn’t have Jee in my arms… Even tonight, even though I wanted to punch you in the face for being here all this time… I’d still be up to some hate-fucking later.” That earns him a chuckle from Tommy and this time he smiles.
He’s not surprised when he feels Tommy’s warm lips against him. Buck knows, deep down, he was aching for it, but would never have the courage to act on it. He also knows he should break that kiss, put some distance between them. But it’s been fifteen years. He’s been dreaming about those lips, that kiss, that touch for years. It’ll hurt later, but it’ll be worse if he doesn’t give in. So, he kisses Tommy back, with more power and still some hint of anger in it. Their lips crash and it’s not pretty, it’s not sweet. There’s a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, every piece of both broken hearts seems to cut deep into their skin every second the kiss lasts. No one cares. It’s bitter-sweet really; salty by the tears streaming down both faces.
And it’s also very different from what he remembers. No doubt both of them are more experienced now, not scared of getting caught, confident in their own skin. There’s no hesitation on their touch, in how their tongues tangle, in how their lips move in synchrony, in how their hands touch each other’s body. Buck brings Tommy closer, the other man positioning himself in between the younger man’s leg, their bodies are heated. All he can feel is Tommy. Tommy’s body; Tommy’s touch; Tommy’s heat; Tommy’s smell; Tommy’s hands exploring whatever part of his body they can get to. It’s intoxicating and too much, but after being in withdrawal for fifteen years, Buck doesn’t care.
He gives in to the kiss, body and soul. He allows his own hands to explore the other man’s body, feeling every change, every new scar, every new muscle he grew in over the years. He feels the fast heartbeats over his pulse point, the skin erupting in goosebumps after a light scratch, his soft curls tamed by the new pomade he must use, the light scruff on his chin, the cleft chin he once loved so much, the dog tags resting underneath his shirt.
It’s only when he feels Tommy’s hands moving to lift his shirt up that Buck stops. He doesn’t want to, but he also knows it’s a point of no return if they keep going. Yeah, he was open to some hate-fuck, but now he can’t. He knows it’s a mistake, he knows they’re not out of the danger zone just yet.
“Tommy, no…” Buck asks, pushing him away gently. Ever the gentleman, Tommy stops and looks at him. Blue eyes are almost gone, pupils wide and taking over the blue Buck used to love so much. He doesn’t need to look down to see Tommy’s as worked up as he is. “I… I can’t.” Tommy sighs, but nods in understatement.
“I know I don’t deserve it, but… Will you ever be able to forgive me?” Tommy asks.
He wants to, he’s open to forgive Tommy, to maybe try this again, but not like this. Not now. He needs sleep, they both do, to think about everything that was said, the last fifteen years, how they left off, how they’ve changed, they are probably not even compatible anymore. Buck knows he’s a completely different person than that Buck from fifteen years ago, and Tommy clearly isn’t the same anymore. They have a lot to catch up, to talk about.
“Honestly?” Buck asks, looking down for a moment. He’s still teary-eyed but he really doesn’t feel like crying more in front of Tommy. “I don’t know, Tommy. I… I want to, I hate feeling like this. This is the longest I ever felt so mad at someone in my life, and I’m so tired. But my heart is so broken. I don’t know what to do. And I know you’re sorry, and I am too. But… I need to think. I need space.”
It seems ironic that for so long all he wanted was Tommy back. And now that he has it, all he wants is for the man in front of him to leave. For him to be alone and wallow in his pain. And it’s only when Tommy leaves that Buck finally allows him to properly cry, leaning on his counter, head buried in his hands as he lets out the most painful and heart wrenching sobs of his life.
~ * ~
He’s sitting on the grass outside his sister house, next to him, Jee-Yun is belly down, coloring the new book he bought for her. Buck looks up when Maddie approaches them, offering him a lemonade before sitting down next to him. It’s a nice, warm day, not too hot and not too humid that’s unbearable to stay outside. Howie is out on an extra-shift he picked up to cover someone.
It's been almost a month since he last saw Tommy, but he still feels restless. He anticipates running into the man at every corner; he fears how he’ll feel once he does, how he’ll react? He’s still not sure of how he’s feeling, if he’s still hurting, if he’s still in pain for everything that happened.
Some part of him, that he’s certain, feels healed. He has some answers now. He knows what happened, he knows Tommy never stopped loving him. It didn’t hurt any less, though… On the contrary, it seemed to hurt more, but Buck can understand the reasoning behind it. Looking back, he can remember some hints here and there of Tommy not feeling good enough for what they had. But Buck really hoped that would pass when they got to leave town, and never once though the man would decide to leave early and alone.
“Can I say something?” Maddie asks after a moment in silence. She knows why he’s here. Buck’s been here or at Eddie’s every free time he has, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts. Eddie still doesn’t know much about what happened between him and Tommy; he just knows they have some sort of past. It felt like too much to tell and Buck didn’t want Eddie to have any resentment towards Tommy.
“You probably will either way.” Buck tells her after a sip of the lemonade. His sister smiles fondly at him, looking at her daughter for a moment.
“I know six months isn’t the same as fifteen years, but I’m pretty sure Howie felt a similar pain to yours. I know I did.” He looks at her, wanting to understand where she’s going. “I left my own daughter behind, Buck… I know I was sick, but in a way, I was also trying to be better for both of them. And as much as I did this for them, I also did it for me. I wanted to get better, to be better, because that’s what they deserved.” She tells him, teary-eyed as she smiled fondly at Jee-Yun before turning to look at him. “And, honestly, I don’t regret leaving, but I regret the way everything happened. Now I know it could’ve been different, but I didn’t know better back then.”
“You think I should forgive him.” Buck concludes.
“I think you still love him, in a way you never loved anyone before, as much as you tried.” She tells him. “I think you went after him when you travelled the country, the same way Howie did with me; I think you’ve already forgiven him, but you’re scared he’ll leave you again if you give him another chance.”
“I don’t know if I’ll survive if he does, Madds.” Buck hears himself admitting, because he knows there’s no point denying everything else. “Like… Looking back, everything I went through after he left? What if I was trying to… To not have to live without him? I love saving and helping people, but what if I jumped into danger because I was expecting not surviving it?” He’s terrified of admitting this, but it’s something that has been on his mind for a while, especially since Christmas. He remembers injuring himself as a kid as a way to get his parents attention. Now, what if he put himself in danger in the hopes that would bring Tommy back? Or that he would finally stop feeling so much pain. “And if I give him a chance and he leaves again? Maddie… I wouldn’t… I’m sorry, but I…”
“I know,” she hugs him, kissing his birthmark in a soothing way. She holds him for a while and Buck allows himself to cry some more. He hates having to admit all of this, but he knows better than to keep these thoughts inside. “But, Buck, you’ll never know unless you give him a chance. You can talk to Howie about it, I know he’ll probably understand better what you’re feeling than I do… But I assure you, I know who I am now, I’m better now. I don’t want to leave. I don’t have a reason to.”
“You think he’s like that now?” Buck asks, hoping to hear something good and reassuring.
“I think this is something you need to ask him.” Maddie tells him instead. “But he went after you, didn’t he? Even after everything you said to him, he still went after you to explain himself. I don’t think this is an attitude of someone who’s ready to leave again.” Maddie looks at him and sighs. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, but Howie and him went out a couple of times since then… He came here this week, actually.”
“He was here?” Buck asks, surprised at the turn of events. “You met him?”
“I did. Let him know who I was,” she smiles. “It was quite fun to see him nervous once he heard my name.”
“Maddie…”
“I promise I behaved.” She assures him. “But… point is. I don’t think he plans to leave anytime soon. He seems to have a good life here, much like you built for yourself. He actually asked about you, too… He misses you.”
“I miss him too,” Buck confesses, looking at Jee-Yun and smiling at her terrible coloring skills. “I guess I’m more scared of us not being compatible anymore. Like, the idea we had of us when we were young and the version we are now.”
“Well… I don’t know if you heard, but there’s these things now that people do… It’s called going on dates?” Maddie teases him and Buck chuckles. He knocks her lightly with his shoulder. “You’ll never know if you never try.”
~ * ~
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
It’s a beautiful, sunny, warm and nice morning. Buck has a shift later on, and maybe he’ll regret the decision of asking Tommy out on the same day, but at the same time, he knows keeping himself busy later may be helpful, depending on how things go. After his afternoon at his sister’s house, it took him almost two days to finally give in and ask Chimney for Tommy’s number. He was shaking so much for a moment he actually thought there was an earthquake happening, as he tried to come up with something. He should’ve called, but who called people anymore these days?
‘Hey, it’s Buck… Evan, whatever… Are you free for coffee on Friday?’
Short and simple, but it took him almost an hour to hit the send button. Deep down he knew Tommy would agree, Chim had said it himself. His brother-in-law still didn’t know the full extent of what had happened, but he knew enough. Tommy replied with a yes and asking the time and place. Buck chose one of his favorite coffee shops in town, that had a nice patio and delicious food. He’d always stop there on his way to Maddie’s house when they had breakfast together. He loved their bagels.
He orders them both coffees, trying to remember what Tommy liked when they were young – not that they drank coffee back them, but he does remember of having a boyfriend with the biggest sweet-tooth ever. He ponders whether or not to ask for the croissants, but his stomach twists inside of him at the idea of eating anything right now, so he decides they can always eat something later, depending on how things go.
At the patio, he picks a table that gives him the view of people coming in and out of the place and waits. It doesn’t take long for Tommy to arrive, punctual as ever. He looks soft and comfortable in jeans and a zip-up hoodie, hands in his pockets probably trying to hide how nervous he feels.
“Hey,” Tommy tells him softly, approaching the table.
“Hi… Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”
“Of course.” Tommy tells him as if there was no other alternative for him other than accept. Buck smiles nervously.
“I got you a coffee,” he points to the cup and Tommy takes it as his cue to sit down. “I have no idea how you take it, so I just took a guess… I remember you being a big, sweet tooth when we were young.”
“That hasn’t changed much,” Tommy smiles at him, opening the lid of the cup and taking a sip. “But yeah, not like that.”
“Seems like we have a lot to catch up on,” Buck offers and Tommy stares at him in curiosity after putting the cup aside. “And I… I’d like that, if you’d like too.”
“Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” Tommy observes. “I’ll follow your lead, Evan… Buck, sorry.”
“No, it’s… Evan’s fine.” He offers.
“Howie told me you don’t like it when people call you that.” Tommy remembers, and Buck wonders when that happened, and if it was during dinner with Maddie. “I can learn to not call you that. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind it really, not anymore… And especially when you do it.” Buck confesses, feeling his face heating up a little. It feels weird to hear Tommy calling him Buck. The word doesn’t seem to fit in his mouth.
“If you’re sure.” Tommy concedes, and looks at him, waiting. He really is letting Buck put all of the cards on the table. Buck takes a deep breath, looking at the man in front of him. He looks gorgeous bathing in the early sunlight. Blue eyes so clear and bright as the most beautiful sky on a cloudless day. He has a light scruff from his day-off, and all Buck wants to do is to bury his face on his neck and take in the soft smell of honey that’s wafting towards him with the light breeze.
“Truth be told,” Buck starts. “I… I don’t, between us, I don’t know what I’m ready for.” He fidgets with his cup, but Tommy waits for him, “But I am ready for something.” He finishes. “Maybe we can start over, you know? Clean slate, whatever happened, it’s in the past, no need to keep this hanging over us.”
Buck always believed in letting things in the past once he was over it. It wasn’t worth it to keep dwelling on it once he moved on from it, he only hoped Tommy could feel the same.
“Does this mean you forgive me?” Tommy asks, and Buck understands he needs to be sure.
“We were kids,” Buck shrugs. “Yeah, I was hurt, but for a while now I think how pretentious it was of me to be so sure we could make things work it out so easily. You did what you thought it was right for you, doesn’t mean I agree to how you did it, but I… I understand it, in a way. You say you feel sorry…”
“I do… I am very sorry, Evan.” Tommy tells him, leaning in over the table. Buck smiles.
“And I believe you.” He assures the other man. “And I forgive you. I want to believe we grew up and we’re not those kids anymore. That now you won’t leave me like that again.”
“I won’t.” They both learned on the job to never make promises they are not sure they can keep, but Buck doesn’t mind right not. They are different. He knows Tommy means it. Even if he eventually has to leave, he won’t do it in the middle of the night without letting him know.
“So…” It’s silly, but Buck offers his hand and a friendly smile. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Evan.”
In front of him, Tommy laughs and it feels like his entire body relaxes under the sound, all of the tension leaving him and staying behind for the time being. His heart flutters when Tommy takes his hand and shakes it.
“I’m Tommy. It’s very nice to meet you, Evan.” He offers him a smile that makes Buck’s stomach feels like being taken over by butterflies.
They lower their hands, laying on the table, but never letting go of each other as they start talking, at first quite automatic, covering the basics. But it doesn’t take long for them to let go of anxiety and lean into each other, laughing and joking with more ease. It’s not much, but it’s a start and Buck feels good about it. For once he doesn’t feel broken, uncomplete, like there’s a shadow inside of him. It makes him go back to the past for a moment, the first couple of times he and Tommy hung out, getting to know each other. It was that easy, that innocent, and he liked the feeling of it. He liked feeling this was right.