Work Text:
Kpop Charts✅@kchartsmaster • 10:34
SUNG HANBIN will reportedly make his solo debut in August 2028.
*photo*
sung hanbin debut!!😭😭@binniehanni • 10:35
FINALLY I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED
taerae’s natural aegyo @cocoballtaerae • 10:35
they're finally releasing him from the basement 😭😭
Kpop Charts✅@kchartsmaster • 16:03
SUNG HANBIN drops sampler video for his debut album “Last First Dance”.
*video 01:07*
hanbin aegyo monster @bunnyhanbin • 16:03
no bc the way this album is hit after hit after hit I can only imagine how good the whole thing will sound😭😭
hanbin actor of the year award when?? @binniebaby • 16:05
you guys.. these are like big industry names😭😭 **** works with taemin and INVU was a demo for THE kim taeyeon omg…. is SM in the works of acquiring hanbin??
*
SOOMPI🌟
March 16, 2028
4 Reasons To Look Forward To Sung Hanbin’s Debut Album "Last First Dance"
by D Kim
1)The track list
Consisting of six tracks, the mini-album “Last First Dance” is an anticipated release by ZEROBASEONE’s ex-leader Sung Hanbin – an opportunity to finally show off the true extent of his capabilities according to many. Notable names on the production include Jess Morgan, Yoo Young-jin, who co-wrote Taemin’s third studio album “Never Gonna Dance Again”, as well as American singer and songwriter Mitski!
2)Sung Hanbin’s involvement in the making of the album
ZEROBASEONE’s ex-leader, who the general public knows as Han Daegang from the widely popular drama Chasing Yesterday, will show us a new side through this project – his songwriting ability. Credited as co-writer on both the much anticipated title-track “INVU”, as well as the b-side “2 KIDS”, fans are excited to see what the well-spoken, “perfect idol” Sung Hanbin has to say.
3)A feature from ex-band member Park Gunwook!
Fans of ZEROBASEONE have something to look forward to in the shape of track number four “EGOIST”, which will have a feature from AFTERMATH’s leader Park Gunwook. Many expressed their fear that upon disbandment the members will stop interacting but this news seems to lay such worries to rest. No doubt it’ll be one of the fan favorite tracks on the EP!
4)A new music video filmed in Europe?
Two months ago, Sung Hanbin was spotted by fans walking the coastline of Burgas, Bulgaria with managers, as well as a small filming crew. It’s not yet confirmed what the star was doing so far away from home – some speculate the quaint beautiful town was chosen as the filming location for his brand new music video, others believe it to be a peaceful getaway before things get busy for the star. Whatever content does or doesn’t come out of this trip, fans are looking forward to the release of “INVU”, which judging from the concept photos will show us a Sung Hanbin we’ve never seen before!
*
On the day of his music show solo debut, Hanbin — half-hopeful because their schedules have miraculously aligned, half-delirious because of exhaustion — runs into Matthew in one of the backstage bathrooms. It's been 7 months since they last saw each other.
Hanbin’s bare faced because he’s just arrived and is swimming in his hoodie even though there is an ongoing heat-wave looming over Seoul – that is to say he has seen better days – and yet the second Matthew spots him, his lips curl up, eyes turning into a pair of shining twin stars.
“Hyung ,” he says in that sweet voice of his and throws himself at Hanbin like a cannonball. It punches the breath out of his lungs, making him sway, almost toppling to the ground, but Hanbin finds his footing and holds tight onto the man in his arms.
Matthew buries his face in Hanbin’s neck and inhales deeply, which makes Hanbin giggle. He can be such a puppy.
“If you don’t let go, hyung is gonna suffocate.”
Matthew peels himself off Hanbin, the wide smile not leaving his face for a second. Hanbin wants to chide him because his make-up has smudged, probably smeared all over Hanbin’s own clothes, but he can’t bring himself to. For one, it’s been too long and all he wants to do is drag Matthew to the cafeteria to catch up; it’s also no longer his job to do so. Matthew doesn’t belong to him the same way he did when they were ZB1. Hanbin’s still his hyung, his friend, his family, but he’s not his leader.
Hanbin’s sure Hao will scold Matthew plenty when he returns to FirstLove’s changing room, anyways. Still, Hanbin misses taking care of him in this way.
“When did you get so pretty, Matthew-yah?” Although having taken a step back –an admittedly very tiny step– Matthew’s arms are still loosely wrapped around Hanbin’s waist, and he’s still looking up at Hanbin with those warm eyes. The compliment makes him beam harder if that's even possible.
“I was always this pretty.” he says cutely.
It’s true. Matthew was always pretty. But he’s blonde again and they’ve started doing his make-up in a way that makes his eyes look even bigger and his cheeks even rounder, pinker. He looks like a doll.
“I guess that’s true.” Hanbin says fondly and fights the urge to run his hand through Matthew’s already styled hair.
“Are you hungry, hyung?” Matthew asks, arms falling to his sides as he takes one more tiny step back. The space between them turns just wide enough for Hanbin to want to breach it again and melt into Matthew's embrace. Again.
“A little, but I have to get back in five minutes.” Matthew pouts cutely but nods in understanding. “How about this – I’ll text you after rehearsals and we can order some food? Hyung’s treat.”
Matthew beams. They part shortly after.
*
Hanbin is aching all over. He’s overwhelmed and beyond tired. The preparations for his debut were intense and exhausting, only for it to get pushed back because Studio Glide wanted him to try out acting. It was fun and, surprisingly enough, the drama went viral even though Hanbin considers his acting subpar at best. At least it brought in new fans which is what matters at the end of the day and helped build up the hype, which had started dying down after ZB1’s disbandment.
Two and a half years later he’s finally ready to step back on stage. The fact that his debut coincided with FirstLove’s comeback is a little intimidating but mostly reassuring. He gets to see his friends again, his family. They’ve all done a good enough job keeping in contact but actually getting to meet up had been impossible the last few months. Hanbin misses them like a lung.
Getting his hair and make-up done takes a while. He’s not used to heavier eyeliner and eyeshadow because it did not suit his image back then, apparently — the one they were trying so desperately to sell, that is. His title track “INVU”, however, calls for something a little more dramatic. More androgynous. The white lashes and the hair glitter combination sounded a little silly in theory but when they were trying out different make-up combinations a few weeks ago it ended up looking surprisingly good. Paired with the outfit even moreso. Hanbin had snapped a quick photo and sent it to Matthew, who answered with a bunch of heart-eyed emojis followed by a string of kissy faces.
Rehearsals go smoothly. Muscle memory kicks in and Hanbin breezes through it, as well as the interviews, then gets back to his changing room to get everything retouched before the actual live-recording. He shoots Matthew a quick text as he monitors his own stage. Satisfied with what he sees on the big screen, Hanbin starts scrolling through the delivery app on his phone, wondering what Matthew will want for breakfast. Before he can press send on the order a message flashes on the screen.
석매 • 10:34
second floor room 37
come say hi before we go to eat!!
Hanbin smiles and picks up his wallet before he heads out, completely forgetting about the order.
There’s, of course, a raucous coming from behind the door. It used to overwhelm him a little but now he misses it — having a bunch of people who are not staff to talk to, laugh out loud with. Hanbin knocks shyly only for the door to get swung open almost immediately. Then he’s pulled in someone’s chest and for the second time today, the breath is forcibly squeezed out of his lungs.
“Hanbin-hyung,” Gyubin’s voice is loud in his ear and it hurts a little because they’re too close but he hasn’t hugged him in what feels like years, so he endures it. Hanbin melts into the embrace and wraps his own arms around Gyubin’s waist. Before he has the time to utter a single word, Gyubin picks him up and carries him into the room like he weighs nothing.
Hanbin squeaks in surprise and holds onto Gyubin for dear life. Two seconds later, he’s dropped off on top of Hao, Ricky and Yujin who laugh at his deer-caught-in-headlights expression.
“Hi.” he finally says, blush high on his cheeks.
A chorus of “Hanbinnie” and “Hanbin-hyung” greets him right back as they try and fail to fold him in half with how hard they’re hugging him.
“I can’t believe you offered to treat Matthew-hyung but not me.” Gyubin complains from where he’s kneeling next to the couch, head resting on Ricky’s knee.
“Yeah, no fair.” Yujin, of course, takes the opportunity to piggy-back off of Gyubin’s whining.
Hanbin rolls his eyes fondly: “You guys can come too, you know that.” His eyes scan around the room for Matthew, finding him sitting at the make-up chair, a camera all up in his face, probably filming behind-the-scenes content. The commotion makes him briefly look in their direction. He smiles directly at Hanbin and goes back to talking.
Hanbin feels so warm.
“We could, but Matthew will probably be sulky afterwards.” Hao says, one corner of his lip turned up just so. Hanbin gives him a confused look to which Hao rolls his eyes. “He misses you.”
“I miss him, too.” Hanbin sounds a little puzzled. “I miss all of you.” Ricky pretends to barf but he hasn’t let go of Hanbin’s hand since he got here.
“Yeah, but that’s Matthew.” Hao says as though that explains it all. And it does, but Hanbin doesn’t want to think about it. Has been trying not to, at least. Matthew always misses things, people, places. Most of the time, there isn’t a target for these feelings. It’s just easy for him to get lonely, but easier yet to ask for someone to fill the gaping hole that is said loneliness. Hanbin’s like that too, except he doesn’t really know how to ask for someone to take care of him. Doesn’t want to ask.
It comes as easy as breathing to Matthew, though. If he strains his ears, Hanbin can still hear the Matthew from 2, 3, 5 years ago asking him to play together, to go out for ice-cream, to drive him out at night so they can stargaze. Hyung hasn't been playing with me lately, so I'm a little upset. Their fans used to find it endearing how vocal about his needs Matthew was. Hanbin felt guilty about not having enough hours in a day to indulge him most of the time. Now that they aren't living together anymore, it weighs on him all the more.
Before he has the time to spiral, Matthew is done with his little interview segment and all but sprints towards the couch where they are. Hanbin waves goodbye to the rest of FirstLove as he's dragged out of the room, with a promise to hang out soon.
“Slow down, Seokmae. Hyung isn’t going anywhere.” Hanbin jokes as they breeze through the corridors and finally enter the cafeteria. Hanbin is about to go to the counter and order but Matthew sits him down and goes by himself. He wants to protest but before he has the time to, Matthew is back with a little cupcake, candle and a lighter.
“Hyung,” he says sweetly as he lights the candle. “Congratulations on your debut!” Hanbin gapes at him but slowly melts into a shy smile.
“It was supposed to be my treat.” He doesn’t mean it, not really. But if he looks for too long at the radiant smile on Matthew’s face, he might actually cry.
“Yeah, well, you can do that another time. Now make a wish.”
Hanbin closes his eyes and thinks about it. There’s many things he can wish for. A successful debut, a long-lasting career, for his parents to stay healthy. Matthew’s face flashes before his eyes. It’s silly. He already has Matthew in all the ways that matter.
“Let’s be on stage together for a long time.” Hanbin ends up saying, then he blows the candle.
“But hyung, you’re not supposed to say it out loud – now it won’t come true.” Hanbin against his better judgment reaches a hand and ruffles Matthew’s perfectly styled hair. It immediately sticks out in all sorts of directions it’s not supposed to, which makes Hanbin laugh heartily.
“It’s okay, only you heard it. I’m sure it’s fine.”
Matthew lets himself be pat for a minute. Then he pulls out a lunch box from his backpack, which Hanbin notices only now. Inside are a bunch of tiny pancakes, a handful of blackberries and honey.
“So that’s why you only got the cupcake.” Hanbin tries for lighthearted but gets choked up at the end of the sentence. It’s been forever since he’d eaten Matthew’s food.
“Hey,” Matthew giggles as he picks up one of them with a fork and brings it towards Hanbin. “Are you gonna cry?”
“Haha, so funny.” So what if he is. Hanbin’s tired. He hasn’t asked for it once during their friendship but Matthew still knows. Somehow he always does. When Hanbin was too busy with his leader duties, Matthew would sometimes do his laundry for him, when he became MC for M Countdown, Matthew woke up extra early just to make him breakfast. Hanbin loves him.
“You can if you want to, I brought tissues too.” Hanbin wants to swat his arm, instead he takes the bite offered to him and chews it slowly.
“Thank you.” he mumbles, cheeks full. The tears bead at his eyelids but never end up spilling out. Hanbin wishes he could let himself cry in front of Matthew.
*
hanbin updates @hanbinupdates • 12m
280829 🐹💬 01:39 PM KST
🐹I wanted to thank everyone who came to support my debut stage today, allindans made it an unforgettable experience
🐹I got to be on a music show stage for the first time in a while and it was so much fun, I missed performing in front of fans
🐹the make-up today was a little pretty right??ㅎㅎ
🐹since my hair’s gotten a bit longer such style looks good/impactful
🐹we did a few different looks but this really captured the vibe? the director said it looks really good on camera too, kind of like a goddess ㅎㅎㅎㅎ
🐹*photo*
🐹guess who made these pancakes (for me)~~
🐹you have to guess i won’t tell youㅎㅎ
🐹okay, okay it was our matthew
🐹he took care of me today.. should I call him matthew-sunbaenim??ㅎㅎㅎㅎ
🐹ah dance challenge?? we didn’t have time… i’m sorry
firstloveboys matthew @firstlovematthew • 2m
280829 🦊💬 02:33 PM KST
🦊our hearts!!
🦊thank you for supporting our stage today
🦊finally after so long we had our comeback and it's all thanks to hearts
🦊everyone did the chants diligently ㅎㅎ I'm so happy you liked the song
🦊thank you for loving our music, we wouldn't be able to do this without you(in eng)
🦊TMI?ㅎㅎ
🦊I met up with hanbin-hyung after a long time
🦊his stage today was so cool right?? I've been listening to “INVU” non-stop since it came out
🦊hyung worked so hard on it!! even though I couldn't be there physically he sent me a lot of snippets and demos and asked for my opinion ㅎㅎ
🦊(he) told you about the pancakes??
🦊hahahahaha
🦊it's true ㅎㅎ I made them for hyung to celebrate his debut but I ended up eating most of them…
🦊my favorite song on hyung’s album? hmmmm “INVU” is amazing but maybe.. “2 KIDS”?
🦊hyung asked for my opinion a lot when recording it
🦊my hearts I love u🧡 let's meet up on the stage tomorrow as well
🦊make sure to eat before the pre-recording
🦊see you tomorrow, I love you(in eng)
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 18h
A fan asked Hanbin during his livestream about the meaning behind “2 KIDS '' and he said it’s about Matthew?? 작꿍즈 crumbs TT_________TT
🌹Oppa, tell us more about “2 KIDS”
🐹 “2 KIDS”? Ah.. truthfully I didn't think the song would make it onto the album but I'm glad it did because everyone seems to be enjoying it, which I’m very grateful for. I actually.. This is TMI but I wrote the lyrics on the day of ZB1’s last concert. Me and Matthew were backstage just before the show and looking at him like this – put together and diligent but still the smiley kid from all those years ago – made me want to express my gratitude to him in a way. We've both grown so much in the 2.5 years we were ZB1 but Matthew especially became such a pillar to me towards the end. He was always a cute dongsaeng back in Cube but before I knew it he was the one taking care of me even though I'm the hyungㅎㅎ
🌹So that means Hanbinnie wrote the song for Matthew?
🐹Yeahㅎㅎ I felt compelled to put our story into words. We've been through everything together — the good and the bad. I wanted to remember everything and express it through the medium we both love, which is music.
🌹Does hyung know this song is about him?
🐹Of course, I showed him the lyrics right after the concert. Actually..ah I can't say that because it's a spoiler ㅎㅎ Something new is coming soon so please look forward to it~(cutely)
*
Promotions come and go in a blur. By the end of them, Hanbin’s body is begging for rest but he's also the happiest he's been in a while. He got to do a special stage for “EGOIST” with Gunwook and catch up with him briefly after, he filmed a bunch of radio shows, variety, behind-the-scenes content and he even managed to secure his first win on The Show against First Love Boys. Gunwook, being the MC, handed him the trophy and all of them stayed behind for the encore just like they used to back in the day. Jiwoong and Taerae were not there which was bittersweet, but it still felt so nice to share his joy with the people who made him into who he is today. Hanbin let himself cry just this once and got teased relentlessly both on the stage, as well as later in their group-chat. The chat’s not as active anymore because they're all so busy all the time but just for a day it felt like everything was back to how it used to be. That evening when he returned to his apartment, there was a bunch of bouquets from friends and family waiting at his doorstep, as well as a fridge bag with a little note inside.
For my coolest hyung,
Congratulations on your first win!! Please eat well and take care of yourself. My uncle sent us a bunch of food again so I'm giving some to you too ㅋㅋㅋㅋ I also tried making banana bread for the first time, I don't know if it's any good so you can throw it out if it sucks. I promise I won't be hurt …
I miss you,
Maettchuu
Hanbin smiles as he reads it and quickly shoots Matthew a message as he takes a tiny bite from the bread. It tastes sweet. A little too sweet but the thought that Matthew likely stayed up late just to make this for him makes it the tastiest thing in the world to Hanbin.
한빈형 • 11:13
it tastes delicious seokmae-yahh
thank you for taking care of hyung
let me treat you to something when we're both free~
It takes a little over a month and several calls between their companies, but their schedules finally align. They meet up at Studio Glide for a dance practice and Hanbin books a dinner reservation for them the second he knows what time they’ll be free.
During an executive meeting, Hanbin had suggested doing something like a fan stage with Matthew since everyone already knew “2 KIDS” was written about him, not thinking it would amount to much. The idea was surprisingly well received and after contacting Yuehua, they managed to squeeze in a time and date. Hanbin pats his past self on the back for the suggestion because even though it’s technically work-related, he gets to see Matthew.
Hanbin’s doing some light stretching when Matthew comes into the practice room, immediately bowing to the choreographer and staff. He’s wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts, which show off his toned legs and the tattoo just above his knee. He also has his glasses on and his fringe up in a little ponytail because of how overgrown it is. All that is to say he looks like a baby duck and Hanbin is positively smitten.
They hug briefly and catch up before practice starts, all the while Hanbin fights the urge to run his hand through Matthew’s hair. He wants to see it sticking up even more than it already is.
“How are the kids?” Hanbin asks as they both start stretching.
“Good, resting now that comeback season is over. We still have a bunch of other things planned but we managed to get a few days off to decompress. Yujinnies’s with his parents and Gyubin took Ricky home, so it's just me Hao-hyung in the dorm, really.”
“Ah, so I’m taking up your alone with Hao-hyung time.” Hanbin jokes. Or, well, tries to. What he wants to ask is — Are you going through it, too? The same thing me and hyung went through during Boys Planet and shortly after debut before we broke it off? Do you like him? Now that it's just the two of you do you-
“Are you kidding? I was so happy when I heard we’d be doing this. I’ve missed dancing with you so much. I'm sure hyung can survive a day without me.” And the thing is, Matthew is always so sincere. Hanbin used to think it was something he did subconsciously, maybe it was a language thing, but with time he realized it’s just a Matthew thing — wanting to convey his feelings, to be understood. He says it like it is, which can be a bit frustrating at times, but in moments like these it serves to remind Hanbin just how much he cares .
“Yeah? Me too.” Hanbin feels the tips of his ears turning warm.
Once they’ve stretched properly, the choreographer comes around to introduce herself. She smiles and tells them how happy she’s to work with them, which makes Hanbin’s chest swell with pride. They watch a video of what the dance is supposed to look like and comment on it briefly before they start going through the chorus section.
He and Matthew did contemporary once a few years back for the Golden Disc Awards, so it isn’t something completely unfamiliar. Still it takes some time to get truly immersed. During a break, they’re asked if they’d want to try choreographing a short section of the song themselves to which they agree happily.
They talk it out for a few minutes, brainstorm, then Hanbin starts drawing up a section of it on a piece of paper to get a better feel for it. He's about to go to the mirror and try out the different variations swimming in front of his eyes, when he feels Matthew’s eyes on him. He's staring and for some reason Hanbin feels embarrassed. He's sweaty, probably bright-red in the face and kinda wishing he had put on a little foundation or at least a pimple patch or two.
“What?” he asks sheepishly.
“Nothing. I was just thinking about something you asked me a while back.” Hanbin raises an eyebrow at the non-answer. “Do you remember? You asked me what kind of song it would be if I were to write one about you? Instead you wrote one for me, well, us. It's..I don't really know how to explain it. It's a little strange but in a good way.”
Hanbin hums quietly. He remembers, of course he does. A bit of a sad song? A sad song? Why a sad song? It matches you well, I think. Everything Matthew is somehow always at the forefront of his mind.
A sad song. Hanbin wonders if his answer would be different were he to ask the same question now. Is that how you see me? He wants to ask but never does. Maybe he’s afraid of Matthew, after all. The words that’ll come out of his mouth. Well-meaning but cutting to the bone.
“Yeah, I get what you mean.” Hanbin’s on the verge of it. He needs just a little push and he’ll ask. He’ll be brave for once just like how Matthew always is around him – underbelly exposed and everything. The moment gets cut short as the choreographer beckons them over to see what they’ve come up with so far. Just like the tears that never manage to spill over, the words get stuck between Hanbin’s teeth, unable to be swallowed down or to come out – forever in this weird in-between state. It sometimes feels like that's all he ever does with Matthew. He thinks about him all the time, craves his attention like never before but when they're actually together he's only one foot in, always ready to pull back if push comes to shove.
It’s okay, Hanbin thinks. There is time. Now was just not it. Then he frowns. It’s been years and it seems it’s never the time.
Hanbin’s mood sours a little but as practice moves along he manages to let it go. His eyes intently follow the pretty line of Matthew’s body, the way it moves to a song Hanbin is singing. A song he wrote for him.
He feels so stupid but so beyond happy.
*
hanbin first win!! ☑️@hanbins_husband • 1h
hey guys, there is a tweet going around about hanbin and matthew but i think it would be best if we stop retweeting it since op is a known hanbin sasaeng.. I know we as fans are excited about the boys hanging out since we rarely get to see them together anymore but this is clearly not schedule related so let’s give them their privacy! if they decide to tell us about it that’s cool but following them around is just creepy.. block and report or at least don’t engage..
gyubin mullet 🐶 @gyubinmullet • 1h
***** is a sasaeng??
foxtthew🦊 @butchmatthew • 15s
damn.. these people really can’t leave them alone for 5 seconds..
mattbin yuri SAVE ME 👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩@matthewunnie • 12s
i just saw it and was about to retweet😭😭
firstloveboys matthew @firstlovematthew • 2m
281021 🦊💬 09:33 PM KST
🦊*photo*
🦊*photo*
🦊*photo*
🦊*photo*
🦊*photo*
🦊*photo*
🦊hyung treated me to dinner after practice, then we went to the han river~
hanbin updates @hanbinupdates • 1m
281021 🐹💬 09:34 PM KST
🐹the weather’s still so nice outside even though it’s autumn
🐹it’s perfect for late night walks right? it makes you feel nostalgic
🐹 I kiss every memory one by one (he’s referencing a lyric from “2 KIDS”)
🐹dinner recommendation? (cutely)
🐹i’ve been into dakgalbi lately
🐹allindans should try it too
hanbin first win!! 🏆@hanbins_husband • 14m
omg.. i didn’t think we’d actually get photos😭😭also AFTER PRACTICE?? what does that mean??
↳mattbin yuri SAVE ME 👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩@matthewunnie • 12m
jakkkungz special performance??? or maybe it was just for a tiktok challenge??
the sweat in matthew’s clavicle💦 @musclemommytthew • 10m
isn’t ***** super close to studio glide?? and it was just matthew and
and hanbin.. don’t tell me they filmed a special episode for hanbin’s
dance series?
haobao 🥟@haocheeks • 1m
wasn’t there a spoiler that hao would be on there though??
the sweat in matthew’s clavicle💦 @musclemommytthew • 1s
ah right.. maybe it’s for something else then??
aegi cocoball self-help group🍫 @chocoballhanbin • 9m
am i the only one who noticed the 2 kids lyrics hb sent?? WDM i kiss
every memory one by one?? jakkkungz seriously…
*
Pop Base ✅@PopBase • 5m
SUNG HANBIN and First Love Boys’ SEOK MATTHEW look stunning in new instagram photos.
*photo*
*photo*
loser guy rizz @therizzler • 5m
EVERYONE LOOK AWAY FROM THEM
kittykatjeno @iranoutofusernameideas • 4m
mattbin mirror selfie.. we used to PRAY for times like these😩
bob @bobbobbob • 5m
no one cares lol..🤢
aftermath world domination 💥💥@ikissgunwookonthemouth • 3m
why are they all up in eo’s personal space.. sweaty as hell too😭😭
aftermath flops!! @0924.13392 • 2m
worry about gunwook’s group barely charting even though
jellyfish splurged all of evnne’s hard earned money on them
u cunt
aftermath world domination 💥💥 @ikissgunwookonthemouth • 2m
damn u can’t even call people gay in peace anymore without
random bots jumping u and calling ur faves flops😭😭
taerae natural aegyo SAVE ME @cocoball_taerae • 1m
not matthew gripping hanbin’s waist like the burger meme😭😭
no one’s taking him from u damn😭😭
neulbin renaissance👨❤️💋👨 @neaulbinmarriage • 1m
as always trying to steal neul’s husband🙄
taerae natural aegyo SAVE ME🙇 @cocoball_taerae • 15s
…shut the fuck UP hao hates ur guts u bitch
i will fucking protect matthew⚔️ @feebleofferings • 5s
u people need to let GO..hanbin and hao literally cannot
shut the fuck up about how cute matthew is and how they
always miss him and shit, he’s NOT the homewrecker yall
try to constantly paint him as 😭😭
neulbin renaissance👨❤️💋👨 @neaulbinmarriage • 1s
i ain’t reading all that.. anyways #neulbinmarried
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 15:59
[281023] hao & matthew🦝🦊 instagram live translations (I won't be doing the whole thing just certain bits)
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:00
they're in the dorm in matthew and gyubin’s room
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:01
matthew is talking about their break. it seems yujin is back home with his parents, gyubin too!!(he took ricky with him🥺)
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:02
it's their first longer break in a while so matthew and hao wanted to go back home too but there was some trouble with booking the plane tickets.. in the end they weren't able to :(( smh..ik this is yuehua’s fault somehow…
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:02
since it's only the two of them in the dorms, hao is sleeping in kkyutez room!! they have “sleepovers” where they order takeout(chicken ofc) and binge watch studio ghibli movies🥺 then matthew cuddles hao to sleep??
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:05
🦊they're asking what is hyung’s favorite ghibli movie(cutely)
🦝mine? hmm.. howl's moving castle?
🦊that's my favorite though, stop copying me!(cutely)
🦝haha I like it because maettchu likes it
🦊stop liking me so much
🦝I can't help it, our matthew is so pretty and lovely lately. should this hyung dress like howl so (matthew) can like me more??
🦊(giggling) stop…
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:10
they were asked about a TMI for eo/, 🦊 said 🦝’s face looks really pretty in the morning before he wakes up so he wants to lean over and kiss it??? 🦝 said 🦊 hugs him a lot from behind(?) when he makes them breakfast 😅
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:12
💬“favorite date spot with hao?”
matthew said it's most comfortable when they're in the dorm but he also likes going to the arcade with hao because he cheers for him a lot🥺
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties •16:13
matthew won a kuromi plushie for hao last time they went, then they took 4 cut pics
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:14
💬“show us the 4 cut later?”
hao said one of the pictures is too much/intense (?) so he'll have to cover this one up but the rest are fine so he'll send it after the live
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:17
💬“dance time with hanbin was fun to watch”
hao agreed and said it's been forever since he last danced alongside hanbin so it was an exciting experience!! he asked hanbin to invite him again sometime🥺 matthew added that he should invite all of them haha
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:19
🦊(in Chinese)jiejie is cute~
🦝gege (he's pouting a little😭)
🦊that’s what they’re commenting though
🦝you’re lying.. show me the comment.
💬does hao act more like an older sister or brother?ㅋㅋㅋ
🦊see? sister!
🦝he just wants to call me noona, stop egging him!!
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:24
they're doing capture time!! first pose is a peace sign, second one is cheek heart, third one they did a heart together while looking at eo’s eyes.
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:25
🦊please suggest other poses
💬kiss!!
🦝ah, isn’t that a little too much?
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:26
they did a nose kiss😭😭
first love girl🦊🦌@kkytezarecuties • 16:28
matthew's feeling tired so they're saying goodbye, he asked hao to massage him later haha, hao said he only uses him for things like that??
*
Matthew inhales deeply and exhales as Hao’s hands gently knead into his tense back. He skipped stretching after yesterday's workout and it's really coming to bite him in the ass now. For all the whining about using him, Hao has been at it for at least ten minutes now. He even brought out the nice lavender oil and he's currently working it into the tender skin of Matthew's back.
It feels nice. Being with Hao feels nice, calming. They've gotten so much closer since they re-debuted together last year and Matthew feels beyond happy. During their time in ZB1 he thought Hao was so cool and smart but the sheer number of people had put an invisible wall between them, which they didn't really notice until they shrunk into the 5-member group they are now.
Matthew’s not necessarily regretful about it. Sure it would have been nice to be close with Hao from the very beginning the way they are now but dwelling on the past is useless.
He's scrolling through Pinterest on his phone when Hao breaks the silence: “What are you looking at?” His voice when he's not on camera is still cheerful but it's a little lower, fuller. This close next to his ear, it makes Matthew shiver a little.
“Just looking for tattoo inspiration.”
“Are you getting another one?” Hao asks, sounding surprised.
“Hmm, maybe. I'm thinking of asking hyung if he's still up for it and seeing how our tastes mesh up. I want a bit of a bigger piece but hyung’s tattoos are all small so I don't know if he would want that.” Matthew rambles on as he saves yet another photo in his little folder titled “future perfect”.
“Hanbinnie?” Hao asks curiously.
“Oh yeah, I guess I haven’t mentioned it before?” Hao shakes his head no. “Pre-debut me and Hanbin-hyung talked about getting matching tattoos one day but we never got around to it. It'll be 7 years since we've known each other this year so I thought maybe now would be a good time? Since 7 is a lucky number and all – you know how hyung is particular about this sort of thing.”
Hao hums softly, hands moving from Matthew’s shoulders lower down his back. He feels Matthew tense up for a second then he relaxes into the mattress.
“Do you think it's a good idea?” Matthew looks over his shoulder at Hao, a fretful look on his face. Matthew's not one to hesitate usually. If he wants something he does it, consequences be damned. But this isn’t just a him thing, it’s a Hanbin-and-him thing. It’s meaningful or at least to Matthew it is. He’s not even sure what kind of an answer he expects to this question, what he wants to hear. Realistically Hao would say something like it's your call to make, not mine , but maybe what he’s hoping for is a no don't do it, it's a stupid idea .
He thought, stupidly so, that distance would make him face reality. Instead he misses Hanbin more than ever. All the time. And Hanbin is acting so sweet with him lately, which is not helping at all. Not that he didn't act this way before — Matthew is plenty self-aware of his best friend status and the sun-shaped hole inside Hanbin’s heart that he inhabits — but it's a different kind of sweetness. It makes Matthew feel 19 again, that is to say stupid and in love. He shouldn't be feeling this way, not anymore. He's 26 and has had all the time in the world to get over Sung Hanbin. So why hasn't he?
“Hanbinnie would say yes to anything as long as it's you.” Matthew gets snapped out of his spiraling. He takes a minute to come to it completely, after which he gently taps on Hao’s thigh, who takes it as a sign to get off. Then Matthew rolls them over until he's straddling Hao. His hair is fanned out on the pillow and Matthew’s reminded once again of how beautiful he is.
“That’s the problem.” Matthew mumbles, shivering a little because he's shirtless and the window is cracked open. There’s also Hao’s hands on his hips. Resting.
“You don't want him to say yes?” Hao questions.
“It's not that either. I don't know.” Matthew brings his hand up to cup Hao’s cheek. He traces the moles on his face absentmindedly. “I've just been feeling.. like that again. It's weird.”
Matthew doesn't have to elaborate on what like that means. All he’s ever done in the past year with Hao is talk. It was scary at first. The realization that living together for more than two years doesn’t make them friends, that is. Or well, not in the way that Matthew is friends with Taerae or Gunwook or Hanbin. He’d spent so much time loving Hao without really knowing him. Lately, though, it feels like he knows Hao better than himself. It’s equal parts distressing as it is reassuring. Hao’s a good listener, he's attentive, always remembers even the little seemingly insignificant details. Matthew likes him a lot. He trusts him.
“Can I kiss you?” Matthew asks quietly even though there’s no one in the whole apartment but them. Hao nods his head yes and Matthew leans down.
Is this greed , Matthew asks himself sometimes. Or maybe revenge, is the follow up. What he harbors for Hanbin feels almost ancient, a constant state of being since the dawn of time. Matthew loves Hanbin, has loved him for years, maybe even centuries. He’s also in love with him, which is the trickier part. It’s so embarrassing because it had to be pointed out to him – finger to his chest, locating the exact place where he stores everything Hanbin. Digging into the softest parts of him, the weakest. And it had to be Hao of all people – the one who dug in, expecting them to be somewhere deep, far down, only for them to be on the very surface, hidden by seethrough cloth.
Last year, he kissed Hao and Hao kissed him back, then he pulled back and gave him this look. His stupid all-knowing look. They talked about it, sort of. And Matthew made peace with it, kind of. Then they kept kissing and over time, Matthew became really good at pretending that talk never actually happened. He’s in love with his best friend, big fucking deal. He’s also fooling around with his bandmate and said best friend’s ex-whatever. Ex-boyfriend? No, they never actually went there. Ex-fuck buddy? It sounds too vulgar. What Hao and Hanbin had was something more, something special and then it was nothing. Hanbin never brought it up and Matthew, apparently, isn’t as good a friend as he likes to think he is, because he never asked. Not that it matters anymore. Whatever they had, didn’t have or almost had is long in the past. Matthew is too busy living in the present to dwell on it — the present consists of him trying out creative and new ways to become one with the man underneath him.
Kissing Hao feels good. It's not necessarily about feeling lonely or anything, Matthew just likes being desired, cared for. It feels good to be kissed with loving lips, to have sweet nothings whispered into his ear.
And kissing Hao is so easy . He lets Matthew do whatever he wants at first, then he runs his fingers down Matthew’s spine and suddenly Matthew's putty in his hands. Hao's a kind lover. Patient, steady. Matthew understands why Hanbin had been so smitten with him initially. He's not in love with Hao but he imagines it would be terribly easy to fall for him if he just let himself. Hao takes care of him well and it never feels like there are a million unspoken things between them. But he's not Hanbin.
Matthew lets a soft gasp escape his lips when he feels Hao’s cold hand slowly walk down the knobs of his spine as though counting them. He becomes taut like a string before he relaxes into the feeling.
“Want me to get you off?” Hao whispers quietly in Matthew’s burning ear.
“Please.” His voice comes out scratchy and muffled from where he's buried in the crook of Hao’s neck.
Matthew was going to text Hanbin about the tattoo today but it completely slips his mind when he feels Hao’s hands squeeze at his waist, tug at the waistband of his shorts. What's another day, anyways?
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 14m
Hanbin interview translation
Q.What was your experience like filming the “INVU” music video? What’s something memorable about it?
🐹 Well, for starters I got to travel abroad to film it which is always a unique experience. Burgas is a really beautiful city and I think the backdrop of the Black Sea really alleviated the MV. Thankfully the weather was great during our stay, even though it was winter, and the local people were so nice and welcoming. I got to try a lot of new food and take long walks in the morning. I didn’t get to swim because it was too cold, but I did film one scene where I kind of step into the water and turn into foam? It didn’t make it into the actual MV but I believe it was in the teaser?
Q.What felt different during the album preparations compared to previous projects?
🐹 I got to have a lot more creative freedom, be it writing my own lyrics or making suggestions for the styling, decor, etc. Truthfully speaking it was really tiring but so rewarding. There was a feeling of frustration because the release date kept being pushed back but now I honestly feel a bit relieved, because it gave me more time. We ended up changing quite a few things, which I believe was for the better.
Q.What kind of changes?
🐹The whole title track was at some point scrapped and we had to start from basically zero. It was a good song but was lacking in some areas – it made the whole album sound disjointed. Thankfully we got the demo for “INVU” three days later and it was love at first sight. I got the chance to write the majority of the lyrics, as well as choreograph the chorus section.
🐹Another thing was the number of b-sides. The album was originally only five tracks but it felt way too short – that’s how “2 KIDS” was added. I showed the directing team some old lyrics and they produced the track around them. I’m only recently beginning to get into producing but they still took my opinion seriously, so we had a lot of fun creating this song.
Q.Who is your dream collaboration?
🐹There are many artists I admire so it’s hard to pick just one (laughs). NCT-sunbaenim is a given (laughs), so maybe Taeyeon-sunbaenim? I would also love to work more with my ZB1 members like I did with Gunwookie for “EGOIST”. Even though we recorded the track separately, we got to do a special stage for “The Show”, which was a lot of fun.
ゴニハニ 🐻🐹@geonihanni • 6m
“my ZB1 members” who else cried??🙋🏻♂️🙋🏻♂️
ハオビン💏 @legalizesamesexmarriage • 5m
manifesting a track ft. firstlove for his next album🙏
catnyangz😺😼@rikkity • 4m
stop .. his and ricky’s voices go so well tgt i miss it so much
taerae’s natural aegyo @aegicocoball • 4m
a ballad with taerae.. i won’t beg i’ll just ask 478390221983574 times
*
석매 • 11:12
do u want an iced americano or a frappuccino??
한빈형 • 11:14
📸
already got one otw here
thank u seokmae ~~
석매 • 11:14
:((((
한빈형 • 11:15
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
u can get me one of those chocolate cookies instead okay?
석매 • 11:15
*sticker*
*sticker*
*sticker*
The choreography is shaping up better than Hanbin thought it would.
They’re not doing the whole song due to time constraints and because it’s not really an official release as much as it is a gift for their fans. The few moves they came up with get incorporated into the chorus and Hanbin can’t help beaming with pride. Working as a soloist has been rewarding so far and Hanbin doesn’t regret his decision – in a way ZB1 was and forever will be his one and only group – but working alongside Matthew is so exciting. Their dance styles match well which makes it an easy, smooth-sailing process, but in many other areas Matthew is a wild card. Which is why coming up with choreo, executing it, tweaking it becomes thrilling . Hanbin never knows what he’s in for. His own ever-evolving technique and artistic vision meshing with what Hanbin has taken to refer to as Matthew’s untapped potential. His monthly evaluations back in Cube, the audition for Boys Planet, which made him tear up, their last concert, FirstLove’s debut showcase – Matthew never fails to take him by surprise, show him again and again just how boundless and unrestrained he is.
Hanbin admires him greatly. Both as a friend and as a colleague. Seeing Matthew reach for the stars is sometimes the fuel he needs to keep reaching for them himself.
Two hours in, Hanbin calls for a break. He tries but cannot suppress the warm smile, which tugs at the corner of lips, as he sees Matthew, glued to the mirror, trying and failing to smooth down his hair. In a fit of frustration, he gives up and slides down the mirror, an audible sound echoing through the room as his butt hits the floor loudly. He winces but keeps pouting, hands tugging at his hair in vain.
And Hanbin. Hanbin can’t stop staring.
Because suddenly Matthew is taking off his hoodie and the shirt underneath – collar stretched and worn beyond repair – is slipping low, low enough to show everything. His neck glistening with sweat, his collarbones, the twin moles on said collarbones and a purple splotch right underneath.
Matthew is hot. Objectively, Hanbin is aware of this fact. He’s toned, works out like crazy, his face is small and pretty. There’s an edge to him, a perfect mixture of softness and sharp lines. Funny, smooth like water, round around the edges, honest, always wears his heart on his sleeve. There are many things that make him attractive, desirable. Hanbin’s not necessarily surprised he has someone – someone with sharp teeth, who likes to stake their claim. Dejected is not the word either because why should he be? Matthew’s not his.
He's never talked about relationships with Matthew. Well, that's not exactly right.
They used to talk about it back in Cube because Matthew was curious and Hanbin didn't care, not the way he does now, at least. Then Zhang Hao happened and it became a muddy area they somehow always stray away from, subconsciously or otherwise. Hanbin knows Matthew has had girlfriends and sort-of-boyfriends, and Matthew knows about Hanbin’s definitely-boyfriends and, of course, about Zhang Hao. Then again, the whole world seemingly knew about Zhang Hao and that small window of time Hanbin belonged to him, worshiped at his feet. It's somehow his own fault, Hanbin reasons. Matthew, for all of his teasing jabs and unrestrained personality, knows how to take a hint better than anyone, so when Hanbin closed that door in his face, he didn't try to pry it open, to force himself in. The relationship topic died down naturally. Or so Hanbin likes to believe.
“Hyung?” Matthew is waving at him, grinning. If Hanbin hadn't spent the past however many minutes staring holes into Matthew’s collarbones he probably would have heard his name being called over and over and over.
“Yeah?” He answers around a dry throat.
“What are you day-dreaming about?”
“Nothing.”
The deadpan look he receives is almost enough to make him crack a smile. Matthew is so silly. And pretty. And–
“It's nothing, I was just– ” Hanbin makes a vague gesture, pointing towards the general area of his own neck while looking at Matthew’s almost bashfully. “You have a little..” A lightbulb goes on in Matthew’s head. He spares a quick glance downwards. Matthew, as always, doesn't have the decorum to feel ashamed, so he only pulls his shirt back a little to cover up the hickey and goes back to staring at Hanbin who's looking redder by the second.
“What, are you gonna interrogate me?” Matthew’s voice is teasing but there's an edge to it like he's issuing a challenge. Go on, he's saying, ask me. I know you want to.
“I’m sure someone else already beat me to it.” I'm not your leader anymore. It’s not my job anymore – taking care of you. Wouldn’t you find it annoying, overbearing if I-
“Nope, not yet.”
“I see. Well, you never told me you have a..that you're seeing someone.” Hanbin tries. He wants to leave this conversation to die down but his traitorous mouth keeps going.
“I'm not.”
“Oh.”
“You’re no fun, hyung.” Matthew whines.
“I just don't want to pry.”
“We've walked in on each other jerking off more times than I can count.” Matthew’s expression is deadpan. He keeps going. “You've cleaned up after me when I got blackout drunk that one time and threw up all over the bathroom — you didn't even live on the same floor as me at the time. You didn't kill me when the whole Gunwook thing happened even though you had every right to. I think you're the one person that's allowed to pry, hyung.”
And okay, maybe the problem really is in Hanbin. Maybe he doesn't want to pry because he's afraid of the things he'll uncover. It would be one thing if Matthew was seeing some random person but Hanbin, well. He doesn't exactly know but he suspects who it is and the thought of it is kind of making him feel nauseous.
“Well, don't say I didn't warn you.” Hanbin tries for a joke but it comes off jittery and unsure more than anything else. Like he's being held at gunpoint. Matthew, entirely unaware that the gun is in his possession, gets ready to fire. “You're not seeing anymore so is it like a sex thing?”
“Yes. No. Maybe.” Matthew looks so smug with his answer and it makes Hanbin want to smack his stupid round head.
“That's such a non-answer, what the hell.” Hanbin lets himself chuckle, if only just a little. A small, breathy non-sound. Maybe he's overthinking it. Matthew's not being serious therefore Hanbin doesn't need to be on high alert. He's been told he's in the habit of acting like a caged animal in perfectly normal situations.
“Who is it? Someone I know?” He finally cracks, asks, prays.
“It’s Hao-hyung.”
And the thing is, Hanbin can't even act surprised because he knew it. Or has had his suspicions at least. It makes sense. The way Hao loves is addicting. It's sweet, bordering on too much sometimes. But most of all it's easy. It's intense and it's passionate and even a little disorienting, but it's easy – to fall into his orbit, turn into a moon dutifully revolving around her planet. Hao’s not the kind of person to make the first move but once he knows it's mutual he goes all in. Masks off, hands stretched, heart left wide open. Hanbin knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of it, so he gets it.
“You don't look very surprised.” Matthew frowns. “Did you know already? Who snitched – Ricky or Gyubin?”
“No one snitched, I just thought.. Well, I wasn't sure, of course. But you've been closer lately, so I guess I made some assumptions.” Hao hasn’t exactly told him but he also hasn’t exactly not told him either. They text all the time and Hanbin knows his hyung, he can always tell when Hao is in full bloom.
“Hyung, do you know what that means?” Matthew asks in a serious tone. Hanbin shakes his head no, mentally tracing back his interactions both with Matthew and with Hao from the past couple of months. He’s about to reach a certain revelation when Matthew drops his next line like they’re not surrounded by a dozen managers, dance instructors and other workers: “We're dick-sisters now.”
“What?” Hanbin’s jaw almost unhinges when he finally registers Matthew’s words.
“You know, like, people who've slept with the same person. Dick-sisters.”
Hanbin is kind of losing his mind.
“Ah, I guess.” Him and Hao technically never slept together but that's neither here nor there.
“I'm just kidding.” Matthew says, his hand landing on Hanbin’s bare knee, squeezing it slightly. And Hanbin knows. He knows it's a joke and this is the place where he should laugh. He knows it's not that serious because it isn't and he should stop escalating situations in his mind when there’s nothing to escalate, but he can't shake off this feeling of unease, guilt. He's missing something, a crucial piece of the puzzle. Something small that keeps him from seeing the full picture, understanding the gravity of it.
“I’m happy for you. Hao-hyung is good, he takes care of people well.” Hanbin finally summons the guts needed to look Matthew in the eye. And there it is again – the missing piece, the thing he's blind to. Matthew is smiling and it's warm, a genuine smile but there's also that something small and blue just beyond the brown of his eyes. Lately it's always there when he’s in Hanbin’s presence.
Hanbin knows his hands are clumsy, he’s spent so long trying to make them seem clever, certain. How is it that after all this time he can’t bring himself to hold Matthew? His love is always wandering, fearful of finding a resting place, even though Matthew has made it abundantly clear that he’s willing to play shore if it’s Hanbin he’s housing.
“Yeah, “ Matthew says suddenly, hand retracting from Hanbin’s knee. He misses the feel of it already. The ghost of Matthew’s touch will haunt him forever. “Yeah, he's good to me. Too good perhaps — he's spoiling me.”
“I'm sure hyung thinks the same about you.”
“Nope, doubt it. I'm kind of being selfish again. He's offering me a finger and like always I'm biting off his entire hand.”
“Matthew, he knows you. He wouldn't have offered it if he didn't think he could take it. Don't think about it so one-sidedly — he's always liked you, had a soft spot for you.” It sounds like Hanbin’s trying to convince himself but is it convincing when it actually happened?
“That's just not true but okay.” He's not saying it in a way that's self deprecating or anything, Hanbin knows that. Still he wants to soothe him. It's almost instinctual. He wants to card his hand through Matthew’s hair and lull him to sleep. He wants to take care of Matthew even if it always feels like he's doing it wrong or that Matthew doesn't need it.
“It is, though.” Hanbin says softly, like he’s talking to a child. “Hyung used to talk to me about you, sometimes. He was always regretful.”
“About what?” Matthew sounds genuinely surprised. Surely he must know, Hanbin thinks to himself.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. Things are different now.” Hanbin tries to put a lid on it and fails.
“Don’t tease me, if you won’t tell me.”
Hanbin takes a deep breath. He wants to stall because he's not even sure how to explain it. His mouth is quicker than his brain: “Hyung liked you a lot. He wanted to be closer. But because of, because of him and me, he thought he couldn't, so.” Matthew says nothing. Hanbin wonders what he's thinking about. His ability to read Matthew like an open book is growing weaker the longer they spend apart. Or was it even there to begin with
When the silence grows uncomfortable Hanbin clears his throat. “Let's get back to practice?” he suggests. Matthew nods absentmindedly and gets up on wobbly legs.
His shirt slips down again.
kkyutez are cuties🦌🦊 @kkyutezrcuties • 2h
280913 apple music withmuu fansign #KIMGYUVIN #MATTHEW
op asked gyubin to chose one song from their new album to describe matthew and he chose “THE ONLY HEARTBREAKER”😲 when she asked why he said it’s because matthew is too nice and many fall for him without him realizing it so sometimes he ends up breaking people’s hearts unknowingly😭
*
“Can you stop looking at your phone and help me pick an outfit?” Matthew whines at Gyubin whose uselessly long limbs are taking up Matthew’s entire bed. His stupid foot is on top of one of Matthew’s “nice shirts”, wrinkling it up. And yeah, okay, it’s not like Matthew will wear it because it’s too formal for the occasion. He’ll still have to iron it again thanks to his inconsiderate roommate.
Gyubin spares him an annoyed glance before going back to texting someone, probably Ricky. Matthew throws his left flip-flop at his face.
“I hate you so bad.” Gyubin whimpers and throws it back at Matthew twice as hard, once again showcasing his kindergarten-level pettiness. “Hanbin-hyung is coming to pick you up in his black-tinted jeep – literally no one but him and his mom are going to see what you’re wearing. You could throw on a fucking pair of pajamas and no one would notice.”
“First of all, you weren’t listening to me at all, otherwise you would know that I have a date with Hao-hyung before that, which is what I need the outfit for. Second of all, you become such a little bitch when you’re arguing with Ricky.”
“Piss off.” Gyubin fires back almost immediately but it’s half-hearted, his eyes still glued to the stupid phone screen.
It’s a low blow and Matthew knows it. Gyubin and Ricky don’t argue , they bicker, they make fun of one another, push each other to the brink of insanity and then they go on dates in boring, high-end restaurants where they drink expensive wine and quarrel over who gets to pay this time just like an old married couple. They don’t argue, except they kind of are doing just that right now and everyone is on their toes, waiting to see how the whole thing will get resolved.
But Matthew is human, too. Gyubin is not the only one who’s at his wits end. Matthew’s tired, his lower back has been acting up for weeks now, once again he can’t go home for Chuseok thanks to their ridiculously dense schedule and he’s kind of pissed off at Gyubin for basically calling him a whore in front of their fans. Well, a heartbreaker, a serial one at that. Same thing.
“Does this look okay?” Matthew is pissed at him, yeah – that being said Gyubin is the only other person in the dorm and Matthew really does need his help.
Gyubin, finally, peels his gaze away from the screen and gives Matthew a once over, then promptly rolls his eyes.
“For two people who are “not dating” you sure love acting like Hao-hyung’s possessive little girlfriend.” Matthew feels like ripping Gyubin’s hair off. Then his own so they can match. The problem is that he’s self-aware so logically he knows he looks ridiculous. Everything he’s wearing head to toe is either a part of a matching set he has with Hao or is a present from the older.
Even his stupid socks with their stupid fox print are a gift from Hao because they reminded me of you, Matthew . And that’s not even close to being the craziest thing Zhang Hao has said to him but for some reason it’s the one seared into the deepest parts of his brain. Sometimes it’s all Matthew can think about. Hao going about his day and somehow seeing Matthew in almost everything he comes across. A picture of a cute animal because its expression looks like Matthew, a necklace because the pendant looks like a lily and that’s Matthew’s favourite flower, a rare figurine because I know you’ve been looking for it, Matthew-yah . Was this how Hanbin felt back then? Smothered by Hao, unable to go a second without thinking about him?
“You’re being such an ass today, I’m leaving.” Matthew doesn't have the energy to deal with both his and Gyubin's shit, so he throws the rejected outfit onto the chair, wrestles his blanket, which Gyubin is lying on top of, and starts heading for the living room couch. Fuck, he needs a nap.
“Wait,” Gyubin says, just as Matthew starts to twist the doorknob. “I’m sorry, okay. Come here.”
Matthew glares back, ready to argue some more in hopes of tiring himself out completely, but Gyubin’s gaze is genuinely apologetic and he kind of looks like a kicked puppy. Matthew sighs deeply, all the anger bubbling up inside cooling down to room temperature within seconds. Gyubin is many things – loud, brash, intentionally bratty. He’s also one of the sweetest people Matthew knows. He’s smart, genuine and never lets things fester until they grow into something moldy and unsalvageable. He’s always the bigger person, never afraid to say sorry – it makes being his friend easy so long as you’re willing to extend the same courtesy.
Matthew crawls on top of him like a weighted blanket and puts his ear to Gyubin’s heart. The rhythmic sound of the blood pumping, the rising and falling of his chest, his lanky arms around Matthew’s waist – Matthew is so happy they got to debut together a second time.
“I’m sorry.” Gyubin says again, firmer this time.
“Me too.”
“I shouldn't have said it, it was uncalled for. I know you just wanted my advice.”
“It's okay. I was being difficult on purpose.”
Gyubin nods, then after a short pause opens up to Matthew: “I’m just kind of at a loss right now. Ricky has been pulling away recently and refuses to tell me why – it’s wearing me down a little. Or, a lot.” Matthew hums. He gets it, sort of. It’s kind of hard to miss now that there’s only five of them. Having spent the last few years bearing witness to all that is Ricky-and-Gyubin, it is jarring to say the least – their lack of interactions both on and off stage.
They’re only 24 but Matthew is pretty sure that if it were up to Gyubin, he and Ricky would already be married. The situation is puzzling all across the board.
“Want me to talk to him?” Matthew offers. He’s not sure what else he can do.
“I don’t know, maybe?”
“I know it’s probably the last thing you want to hear right now but give him some time. Must be something scary as hell, you know Ricky isn’t like that. Not with you, not with us.” Gyubin makes a pained little sound in the back of his throat and Matthew can relate. He does something similar when he’s trying to suppress a blood-curdling scream. Maybe he should just let it out. Maybe they both should.
“We’ll help if it goes on for too long, of course, but I don’t know. Try not to think about it too much, you’ll just drive yourself mad.”
“I know.”
Matthew wants to hold Gyubin’s face in the palms of his hands and tell him it’ll all be okay. He wants to whisper the words against the shell of his ear and know they’re true. Except, he can’t because he doesn’t know if they are. Maybe everything will go to shit and they’ll break up and things will never be the same ever again and it'll ruin their group dynamic and their friendship and.
Or maybe time really does heal and they’ll get through this just fine.
Matthew doesn’t cradle Gyubin’s face, instead he props his chin in the hollow of his sternum and locks eyes with him.
“Do you think I lead people on?”
Gyubin’s eyes turn wide. Matthew is scared shirtless but he also wants a genuine answer, even if it might hurt like a bitch to hear.
“Maybe.” Gyubin says it really carefully. “I don’t think you do it on purpose but, I don’t know, hyung. You’re kind of the easiest person to have a crush on. You don’t have a mean bone in your body, not really. And you – you make people feel special, like they’re the only one for you.” Matthew nods curtly, letting the words sink in.
A dormant memory of Gunwook confessing to him three years ago flashes before his eyes and he feels kind of sick for no reason. It’s history, they’ve both moved on. Gunwook now has a boyfriend his age who’s not an idol and Matthew has whatever the hell he has with Hao. They hang out whenever their schedules coincide and binge watch anime on Discord whenever they don’t have the time or energy to meet up. There’s no bad blood there, not anymore. So why does it all feel so strangely similar, like Matthew is going through the same motions, making the same mistakes. Is he leading Hao on?
“I don’t know, hyung.” Ah , he said that last part out loud, didn’t he. “Do you like Hao-hyung?”
“Of course, I like him.”
“Yeah, but do you like him?” Suddenly facing Gyubin gets unreasonably difficult so Matthew goes back to making prolonged eye-contact with the ugly cat on his shirt. It’s probably Ricky’s. Matthew buries his nose in the soft fabric and inhales deeply. It smells like kid's detergent.
Matthew could like Hao. He could ask him out officially and he could take him out on a nice date, he could buy him flowers and in a few months time, when things get serious, he could introduce him to his parents and older sister. There’s many things he could do but doesn’t. In another lifetime his heart beats for Zhang Hao only. They own a small cafe and lead a boring life, they do their taxes and their laundry together and it’s everything he could ask for. Except Matthew is selfish and he wants all the things he can't have, wants the person he's not allowed to call his.
“No.”
“Does hyung like you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Do you think or do you know?”
“I know.” He does know it. They’ve talked.
Gyubin’s expression changes comically fast: ”Then what was that question about?”
“Nothing, it’s stupid.” Gyubin pokes just under his ribs and it makes Matthew wiggle like a worm. “You suck. Fine, it’s about that stupid fansign we did last week where you called me a heartbreaker.” It sounds even stupider when he says it out loud.
“You’re kidding.” Gyubin shakes with laughter. Matthew burns with shame. If it was happening to anyone but him, he would probably be laughing as well, because it is ridiculous.
“If you know hyung doesn’t like you and you know you don’t like him, then what is this all about?”
“I don’t know, okay? I guess because of Gunwookie, I thought…”
“Oh, Matthew-hyung.” Gyubin coos and it's not condescending, but it still makes him feel like the world's biggest idiot, like a kid who needs everything explained to them a hundred times and still not getting it. “Look, he’s long over it. It’s been forever, it’s time you forgive yourself. Yeah, it fucking sucked back then, but it’s over. You can’t change how things went down.”
“I know that, I do. I guess I'm kind of scared it'll play out similarly, except this time it'll be worse because me and hyung do actually have something going on even if it's just sex.” It’s more than sex but that’s besides the point.
“I guess I can see why.” Gyubin's hands have moved from Matthew's ribs to his head, carding through the blonde strands. It's soothing, Matthew thinks, the tension not exactly leaving his body but leveling out a little. “You and Hao-hyung don't seem like the type to do casual, so I admit I was a bit surprised at first. Still am, to be honest, but if you've talked it out, then it’s all good.”
And there it is. Gyubin's observations somehow always hit the bulls eye. Matthew doesn't do casual. The thing is that it doesn't feel casual with Hao. It's not romantic either. It's something else entirely, putting it into words feels like doing their relationship a disservice.
“How did this all start anyways, you two never tell us anything.” Gyubin whines cutely and Matthew wants to kiss him quiet. “Did you want to make someone jealous?” He wiggles his eyebrows and unfortunately, not only does Matthew see it but it makes him want to kiss Gyubin even more. Matthew loves him so much.
“Not really, I was just lonely.”
“Does playing boyfriends make you feel less lonely?”
“Most of the time, yeah.”
“So what do you do when you still feel lonely?”
“I bother you, of course.” Gyubin’s smile is small and pitying. He doesn’t believe him and why would he when Matthew doesn’t believe himself either.
“You should talk to Hanbin-hyung.”
“This isn’t about him.”
“Isn’t it always about him though?”
*
Matthew gets woken up by a hand at his nape and a soft mouth pressed to the corner of his lips. His eyes open up to the sight of Hao hovering over him, his hair neatly styled, the top two buttons of his dress shirt open, showing just enough of his chest and collarbones for it to be tasteful.
The sound of Gyubin’s heart thumping slowly, the subtle smell of Hao’s cologne – it’s almost enough to lull him back to sleep.
“I slept through our date, didn’t I?” Matthew asks around a dry throat, his cheek still pressed against Gyubin’s chest, which makes his pout all the more prominent.
“Yeah, you did.” Hao’s voice is so soft, Matthew wants to sink into it and never resurface again.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” And he is. They see each other everyday but this is different. It’s them purposefully setting a time and place, spending it together, just the two of them. The consistency of it, Hao’s eagerness to be around Matthew – it’s addicting.
“It’s okay, baby. We can just chill for a bit on the couch before Hanbinnie comes to pick you up.” Matthew nods and tries to get up without waking Gyubin up, which is a challenge considering how tangled up they are.
Once in the living room, Matthew wastes no time sinking into Hao’s arms. Hao chuckles.
“We’re only gonna be apart for a few days, what’s gotten into you?”
Matthew shrugs. There’s a question stuck just behind his teeth. It’s unlike Matthew to overthink to this extent and it’s making him frustrated with himself and with Gyubin for bringing out this uncertainty, this doubt to the forefront of his mind.
“Hyung, am I selfish?” Hao looks taken aback by the question.
“Where did that come from?”
“Am I?” Matthew's whole face scrunches up. He’s being unreasonable. Hao can’t read his mind but he wants him to because Matthew doesn’t want to explain it, or well, he doesn’t know how to, not really.
“Sometimes, yeah.” Matthew’s expression does something weird once again. He braced himself for any answer or so he thought. “Come on, Matthew, don’t look at me like that. We’re all selfish sometimes. It’s not a bad thing, or well, in my eyes it isn’t. If anything, you're not selfish enough.”
“What does that even mean?” Again, he knows he’s being difficult but he can’t help it. It’s been a complicated two months. Fulfilling two months. Two months full of joy and new achievements and of old wounds opening up ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly.
“Figure it out, I am not spelling it out for you.”
Matthew rolls his eyes, then opens his mouth, closes it and opens it again: “Do you like me?”
The puzzled expression is back on Hao’s face: “Seriously, what’s with you today? Of course, I like you. I love you, Matthew.”
Matthew’s face turns red but it’s not from embarrassment, he’s just so happy. With these people, with this life. He should stop wishing for things to change when they’re already as perfect as it gets.
“I know, I love you too, hyung. But do you like me?”
“ Ah . Is that what this is about?” Before he knows it, there’s a mouth at the corner of his lips again. Hao’s mouth. Then he kisses him. Matthew makes a confused sound at the back of his throat but relaxes into it on instinct. It’s the same lips he’s kissed a hundred times, it’s the same mouth which has told him I love you a hundred times. Yeah, Matthew is definitely selfish. Hao’s slender fingers sneak under the hem of Matthew’s tank top and settle at the small of his back, rubbing gentle circles until Matthew forgets what even brought this on.
“I don’t like you.” Hao whispers when they pull apart. Matthew chases after him, he always does. He wants Hao all the time. “At least not in the way you’re afraid I do.”
“I never said–”
“And you didn’t have to. You’re not leading me on, alright.” Matthew nods. It’s not relief he’s feeling, but Hao’s words still help him relax for the most part. “When Sung Hanbin gets his shit together I’m going to miss kissing you though.”
“Hyung!” Matthew hits his chest. This time the red on the apples of his cheeks is embarrassment.
“Also just for the record, I’m a way better kisser than him.” Matthew hits him again, then hides his face in the crook of his neck and starts shaking with laughter.
“Has anyone ever told you you have zero tact?” he asks, breath hot against Hao’s shoulder. Hao makes an affirmative sound and though Matthew cannot see it, he can hear the smile.
“Talk to him. Even if nothing comes out of it.”
“Sure. That reminded me, Gyubin asked me to talk to Ricky because of their whole fighting thing but maybe you should do it inste–”
“Don’t change the subject. Seriously. Just talk.” Hao is not stern. Not with Matthew, anyways. Maybe that’s why he’s become like this. His own leader lets him get away with anything, takes him on expensive dates, holds his hand firmly and then kisses him goodnight. He’s being stern now. Matthew’s not sure how to feel about it.
He sighs: “Fine, I will.”
Hao smiles again but this time it’s small, private. Then he kisses him again. Matthew almost misses Hanbin’s text.
“Seokmae-yah, you look so cute today,” Hanbin smiles and ruffles his hair as soon as Matthew reaches his car.
“I look a mess,” he whines but leans further into Hanbin’s touch. His hair, recently trimmed and bleached for the fourth time this year, is sticking in all directions and he’s wearing an old T-shirt he usually sleeps in, which probably belongs to Gyubin or to Hao. Matthew feels far from cute.
“I’m sorry for being late, hyung.” The accidental nap he took with Gyubin and the consequent heart-to-heart with Hao ate away at his time, so when Hanbin texted that he’s in the parking lot, Matthew threw on the first shirt he could get his hands on, stuffed a bunch of clothes in his suitcase and, at the risk of falling down and suspecting an injury, ran down the stairs full speed.
Sweaty, with dark circles he forgot to conceal, a giant pimple on the side of his nose and hair a mess – yeah, cute is the last word he would use to describe himself.
“It’s okay, we’re not in a hurry.” Hanbin helps him load the suitcase in the car’s trunk even though Matthew can just do it himself. But he’s so used to Hanbin doing things for him – holding the door open, carrying his backpack for him, sometimes even extending a hand when he’s going downstairs – that it doesn’t register.
Once they’re settled in their seats Hanbin starts explaining the plan for the weekend, as well as about the festival itself. Most of the food is already prepared by Hanbin’s mom or will be purchased from a local store. The dishes which take less time like jeon they’re going to prepare Sunday and if Matthew wants to help he’s welcome to, as conveyed by Hanbin’s mom over text. Tell my son I miss him, is written under the initial message, which makes Matthew smile and Hanbin’s ears turn red.
“Your mom loves me more than you and Areum.” Matthew teases, voice lilting up purposefully.
“More than me maybe, but Areum?” He doesn’t take his eyes off the road but a smile tugs at Hanbin’s mouth. His face is still done up because of a last minute schedule but the foundation can’t hide the fatigue written all over his face. Matthew wonders if he’ll ever get to see Hanbin’s face unmarred by exhaustion ever again.
“Okay, true.” he ends up saying.
The drive to Cheonan is usually just over an hour but with the traffic inevitable due to Chuseok, it’ll probably take closer to two. Matthew offers to drive in case Hanbin feels too tired, but gets declined.
“No offense, Matthew, but you’ve had your license less than a year.”
“Are you saying you don’t trust me with your life?” Hanbin does his little surprised-hamster expression and Matthew collapses into a fit of laughter.
“I do, you know that.” he whines and Matthew wants to reach over, take a hold of his face and drink the happiness radiating off it. Hanbin’s tired, but as soon as Matthew says even a word his whole demeanor changes, his features soften, his eyes turn into little twin flames – warm and playful. Matthew should be used to it by now. He knows Hanbin adores him. And yet it feels like a revelation every time. Hanbin smiles at him like he hung the stars in the sky and Matthew, for just a second, convinces himself that maybe he did hang them up there. Maybe he is worthy of this unbridled adoration.
“Just offering in case you get tired, sorry for being concerned.” he whines just to see the smile on Hanbin’s face grow even bigger, brighter, warmer.
“Thank you, baby. I’ll keep it in mind.”
They spent the next ten minutes in relative silence. Hanbin puts “Dear Ex’s” OST on speaker and hums the melody. Bali, the Bali of my dreams, I’ve been dreaming of your love, yeah, yeah. Bali, please don’t make me wait any longer.
Meanwhile, Matthew scrolls aimlessly through Twitter. It’s been a month since they uploaded the dance for “2 KIDS” on Hanbin’s channel but their fans are still talking about it. It was originally supposed to be a TikTok but with the amount of work they put into it, it felt more appropriate to film a proper dance practice instead. It wasn’t conventional enough to become a dance challenge like INVU did – quite the opposite–, but Matthew is glad that it didn’t. He wouldn’t be mad if someone recreated it but somehow it feels too personal, like a dance only the two of them can execute, a dialogue impossible for anyone else to have. They could do it but it would be different, far off, it would lose its essence — the hours Hanbin and Matthew spent talking and reminiscing the past, the late night practices after which Hanbin would insist on driving him back to the dorms even though Matthew had at least two managers accompanying him everywhere at all times.
Matthew is selfish with this dance because it feels like an unspoken culmination, the thing their years of friendship was leading to. A confession in a language only they speak.
catbin🐈 @sunghanbinna • 14:07
280917 14:07 PM KST
💬 i want to see 2 kids on tour with seok matthew
🐹🐱 it’s too soon for a tour but once i’ve released more music, i would love to perform it with matthew if the opportunity presents itself! considering our schedules i’m not sure if it can happen, though😅
💬 i will have a chat with studio glide😠
🐹🐱 ㅋㅋㅋ y/n is so cute, it’s okay you don’t have to, i’m already talking with them about it!
“What are you looking at?” Hanbin asks him sweetly.
“I’m stalking your fan pages.” Matthew answers without looking up from his phone.
“Found anything interesting?”
“Just a cat-ear edits, a few people lamenting the fact that you’re gay and if you weren’t, the South Korean population wouldn’t be in decline the way it is now. Oh, and you promising on live to take me on tour with you.”
Hanbin, unable to take his eyes off the road for too long, manages to throw him a scandalized side glance, his mouth agape.
“The fact that I’m what?”
“It’s like a meme. Korea has currently the lowest fertility rate in the world, Hanbin could have resolved the issue if there was 100 men like him but a Chinese man (Zhang Hao) stole him and ruined everything.” Matthew recites dutifully.
“Isn’t it the other way around now?” Matthew falters. Well, when he puts it like this.
“Doesn’t make it any more likely for you to get a wife and kids.” He recovers quickly and goes for a joke because he doesn’t want to touch that with a ten-meter stick. Not now. Not when they’re heading to Hanbin’s hometown and he’ll get to play family with him for the first time in years. Probably the last. He just wants to make food with Hanbin, probably fail miserably and still feed him the half-burned chunks because Hanbin is nice and would eat anything Matthew makes, even if it sucks. He wants respite. Everything else can wait a few more days.
“Well, who knows. I might.”
“Please, don’t even joke about it, hyung. You already went through the whole comphet phase five years ago and I’m still having flashbacks.”
Hanbin’s expression turns into one of embarrassment and Matthew immediately regrets bringing it up. The problem is that he doesn’t exactly know what happened between Hanbin and Hao back then, but he also doesn’t exactly not know. If Matthew’s to trust carefully curated conversations he’s had with both of them over the years, which really give away just enough without revealing the whole picture, it went something like this – Hanbin on top of everything else that entails being a good leader, convinced himself that going back in the closet was a viable option. He tried meeting up with women, which obviously didn’t work out. In retrospect, it makes sense why he would sometimes come back to the dorms looking like crap, only to lock himself in Hao’s room and not emerge until the morning after. Matthew is not privy to what happened or didn’t happen behind closed doors. He wasn’t really even aware of the whole thing when it was happening because Hanbin refused, refuses to talk about it. Or to talk about it with Matthew specifically.
“I’m sorry.” Hanbin’s voice is quiet, almost a whisper. It betrays the hurt that still lingers.
“It’s okay, it was a joke.”
“I know.” Does he , Matthew wonders. Does he really? Matthew knows shame, the burning hot feeling in the pit of his belly. He also knows how to hide it well, not that he needs to do much of that anymore. But Hanbin, for all his bravado, always tells on himself unknowingly. Embarrassment, mortification, shame – it’s the one thing that’s always clear as day, deeply etched into his delicate features. Matthew wants to swipe a thumb through it and erase it.
“So, back to the tour.” Matthew changes the subject a little clumsily, the air still charged, but it helps Hanbin relax a little.
“What tour?”
“Don’t play dumb with me, hyung. You promised to bring me on tour with you because you miss me so much and want to perform with me so bad.”
“Surely I didn’t say all that.” Hanbin smirks and his whiskers come out.
“So?”
“So?” Hanbin parrots back and can feel Matthew rolling his eyes. “A tour won’t be happening for another year at least, but my manager mentioned something about a special stage for Gayo Daejejeon? It’s still in the talks, though, nothing concrete really.”
“A special stage with me?” Hanbin hums in affirmation. “I hope it’s true.” he continues thoughtfully. “I really want to perform 2 Kids with you in front of an audience.”
“Yeah? Me too.”
Matthew can almost see it. The huge stage, well-lit and decorated accordingly, and just them two at the center. The music flowing softly through their limbs, Matthew’s body moving in a way that says I love you, I miss you every day. If I could go back I would do it all over again.
The music from the speaker keeps playing and before he knows it he’s asleep again.
Matthew wakes up on a bed. It’s soft and made up, the air in the room a little stale despite the open window.
He’s in Hanbin’s bedroom. He can’t see much because it’s dark outside and the desk light is pretty dim but he’s been here enough times to know. The soft hue of the green carpet, the polaroids taped over the desk, at least half of them featuring Matthew, the Jeong Jaehyun posters on the wall. Definitely Hanbin’s room.
Matthew spends a few minutes lounging around, checks his phone, answers a text from Hao wishing him a safe trip and asking him to let him know when they arrive, watches a few of the 20+ TikTok’s Yujin has sent him in the past hour alone, and finally gets up. He’s still wearing his own T-shirt and joggers but he decides to put on the hoodie Hanbin had thrown over him as a blanket. It’s soft and smells like Hanbin’s cologne – a little sweet with tangy undertones. Matthew brings the fabric to his nose and inhales deeply. No one’s there to see it, anyways.
Downstairs Hanbin is busy chopping vegetables on a board and talking animatedly with his parents. Matthew, embarrassed to have probably been princess-carried into their home, apologizes for not greeting them properly and brings out a small bag of gifts from his backpack. Hanbin’s mother accepts it with a smile on her face, then she hugs him and Matthew has to fight the tears prickling at his eyes. He’s missed this so much.
With their constant schedules he hasn’t been able to fly back to Canada in over two years and it’s really starting to eat away at him. Everyone can see it and even though he’s learned to somewhat deal with it over the years, it still weighs on him plenty. His teammates and the friends he’s made over the years are all understanding and constantly text him to make sure he’s not feeling lonely, asking if he wants to hang out soon or play some League over Discord. Ricky takes him out to buy him clothes that Matthew insists he doesn't need but he still appreciates the gesture, Gyubin goes with him to the gym, Yujin binges anime series with him even though he's not really into the shonen Matthew usually enjoys (Matthew suspects an affinity for shoujo thanks to a potential girlfriend but he doesn't pry; if Yujin wants to tell him something, he will). And then there's Hao. Most nights when Matthew sneaks into Hao’s bed they don’t really do anything besides talk, maybe kiss. Hao spoons him from behind, places a kiss to his nape, to his ear and lets his soft puffs of breath wash over Matthew as they both fall asleep. It makes Matthew feel beyond loved.
It doesn’t make the ache go away completely but it soothes it. He’s fortunate.
Still, when Hanbin texted him about visiting Cheonan for Chuseok, Matthew almost burst into tears. Happy tears. Before anything else, Sung Hanbin is his family. Matthew loves him and his parents and his sister so much it hurts.
So when Mrs Sung holds him in her arms, yeah. He has to hold back a river. It feels like home. It is home. Anywhere Hanbin takes him is home.
Hanbin’s mom gives him a cute apron to put on, which Hanbin helps him tie at the back. He doesn’t get to help much since they’re basically done with dinner, but it’s still nice to be included. Hanbin instructs him to set the table and to get something to drink from the fridge, to put some white brine cheese on top of the salad and other little things. After each one, he pats Matthew’s cheek affectionately and tells him he did a good job. It’s silly, almost childish, but it makes Matthew preen.
Hanbin still looks tired, even more so now that he’s taken his make-up off, and Matthew feels a pang of guilt for falling asleep on him in the car, but the tension from earlier is gone at least. Maybe it was never there to begin with. Whatever the case may be, Matthew doesn’t dwell on it. He wants to preserve this happiness for as long as possible.
Dinner goes by in a whirlwind. Areum will be arriving on Monday, so all the attention falls on him and Hanbin. His parents ask Matthew all sorts of questions and keep coaxing him to have a second serving, you look so skinny lately, have some more. The food is delicious, a mixture of Korean and Bulgarian cuisine, which Hanbin had become interested in ever since he visited for the filming of “INVU”.
They keep asking about FirstLove, how the other members are doing, and Matthew is more than happy to talk about them. He tells them how relieved he felt when Yuehua reached out and bought his contract, how even though he misses Hanbin and the others a lot, it’s still a miracle he was able to debut with half of them again. They listen to him ramble on and smile through the whole thing. Matthew wishes he could stay in this home, in this living room, at this table for the rest of his life.
After they’ve exhausted the updates on Matthew and Hanbin’s busy lives, they discuss what they’ll do the next few days. Hanbin has already gone over it in the car but Matthew still listens attentively. There’s not much planned besides performing the ancestral rites in the morning, visiting the family tomb to trim the grass a little and offer food, but he’s still looking forward to it. He’s visited Cheonan many times but this will be the first time he’ll spend Chuseok here. Even though Matthew is not a part of their family, they invite him to do all these things if he wants to instead of staying home alone. He agrees readily.
Soon after, Hanbin's parents bid them goodnight and retreat to their bedroom, leaving the two of them to clean up the table, which Matthew adamantly insisted on since he didn’t get to help much with dinner itself. Hanbin tries to help him with bringing plates to the sink but Matthew gives him a warning look as he puts on a pair of rubber gloves and gets down to scrubbing.
“Go sit down before I make you sit down.” Hanbin laughs because Matthew’s “angry” face just looks cute.
“So scary,” he mouths at Matthew as he goes to retrieve two bottles of soju from the fridge before he sits down as instructed.
“Are we drinking?” They rarely get to because of how busy they are but also, Hanbin isn’t much of a drinker. Neither is Matthew.
“Hmm, if you want to.”
“Sure.”
Matthew finishes up with washing and drying everything a few minutes later and sits down next to Hanbin, bumping their shoulders on purpose. Hanbin tries to pour the liquor into a pair of bell cups but Matthew wrestles it out of his hands before he has the chance to and does it himself.
“What’s with the princess treatment?” Hanbin accepts the cup and watches as Matthew carefully pours his own.
“It’s how you treat me all the time, can’t I do it for you?” Hanbin looks taken aback before his face melts in content.
“Thank you.”
They do cheers before downing the sweet liquor. The label on the bottle reads grape. It doesn’t really taste like grapes and Matthew’s definitely tried flavors which are more to his liking, but it doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t really care what they do, as long as it’s with Hanbin. The living room stays quiet for a while, only the sound of the insects outside the window and their own hushed voice as they communicate through whispers can be heard. Hanbin pours their glasses again, then again. He repeats the motion until the bottles are empty and his face is as red as a tomato. Matthew takes photos and videos, which he sends to their group chat. Hanbin tries to protest because he looks ridiculous but ultimately gives up on trying to take away Matthew’s phone.
*
It happens in a second. Hanbin puts a hand to Matthew’s nape and slowly lowers him onto the bed. His eyes are hazy and his face is beautifully flushed, he was trying and failing to hide the fact that he's stumbling as they made their way to his room earlier. Matthew feels it before he sees it – something soft, something forgiving presses to his lips. Hanbin.
Even when drunk, his touch is feather. The hand at his nape moves to Matthew’s ear, tucking a strand of hair behind it. Then his face is in Hanbin’s hands. The hands that open doors for him, the hands that help with his suitcase even though he doesn't need it, the hands that hold him at the small of his back and steer him in the right direction, the ones that point out things to him just so he has it easier, just so he doesn't feel confused, alone.
Matthew’s heart stills. It's usually an animal of a thing, always running rampant, thumping heavily against his ribs. And now it's quiet, restful, still.
Then Hanbin retreats and Matthew can see it all over his face — regret.
“I'm sorry, hyung’s sorry, I should've have done–”
Ah. I'm so selfish , Matthew thinks as he draws Hanbin down and kisses him again before he can finish his sentence. Hanbin makes a muffled, high-pitched noise but relaxes into it, body all but melting on top of Matthew.
And Matthew knows, he knows they'll wake up and Hanbin won't say a word about it. He'll ruffle Matthew’s hair, make them breakfast, call him his baby and he won't say a word about it. And the worst part is that it won't be his fault entirely, because Matthew won't say a word either. The easy affection, the years of friendship, the time spent together and then apart and then together again and then apart. Matthew knows Hanbin, he's used to him holding back, stopping just an inch before the imaginary line he unintentionally drew when he became their leader. It’s not as bad as it used to be. He now crosses it occasionally, but never around Matthew. Hanbin talks to him about everything except for the things that matter and Matthew’s fine with that, he's fine.
Which is why this – warm hands, warmer body, Hanbin’s face beautiful and on fire – is fine, too. He's selfish, so he'll take anything that's offered to him. A kiss is enough. It can last him a lifetime, two lifetimes. He doesn't need it all. Whatever he can get his hands on is enough.
A last act of selfishness, he thinks as his lips move with a mind of their own. When he gets back to the dorms he'll do it right, he'll buy flowers, flowers of gaoling , and he'll ask out Zhang Hao properly. Matthew will take him on dates, real dates, and he'll open doors for him and carry his suitcase, and he'll take him to Vancouver and introduce him to his parents and his sister, and ask him to-
“Seokmae,” Hanbin has stopped kissing him, his mouth to Matthew’s ear now. “I love you.”
Ah.
“I love you.” Hanbin says it again, quieter than the first time but firmer.
“I heard you.”
“Please, say it back.” There's a wetness on Matthew’s cheek, on his neck but he's not crying.
“Haven't I said it a million times already?”
“Yeah, but I want to hear it now.”
“You're terrible, hyung.” Matthew says it around a bitter smile. Who is he at the end of the day if not a devotee? Who is Hanbin if not the image he's been chasing after for seven years now? He’s intimately familiar with the sight of Hanbin’s back.
“I know, I'm sorry.” He sounds apologetic but he still won't look Matthew in the eye. Allow him to see his tears.
“I love you.” It sounds like a goodbye somehow. Matthew wonders if Hanbin notices. Then he thinks about Hao and then he thinks about how terrible both him and Hanbin are in equal measure.
The rest of the holiday goes by as Matthew had predicted more or less. Areum arrives a day early which gives them time to catch up – Matthew loves talking to her, time spent together with her reminds him of his own sister. The next few days consist of eating, drinking, playing games, watching movies and taking long walks around the town at night. And, of course, avoiding what happened the night they arrived.
They don’t share a bed for the rest of their stay. Hanbin takes the floor and Matthew – not wanting to argue, too tired to argue – sleeps on the bed, which feels entirely too empty without Hanbin in it. Matthew’s gotten used to someone sleeping next to him, be it Gyubin or Hao or even Ricky, on the rare occasion when he’s feeling just a little lonely. Hanbin, too, though it’s been a while, used to put him to sleep – gentle hand running through his hair, gentler voice lulling him to sleep. Now he’s just kind of cold despite the blankets and can’t seem to knock out until the sun starts rising. Hanbin gets up early, makes them coffee and a light breakfast, helps Matthew with his laundry and introduces him to some of his old friends from high school. And – they don’t talk about it.
A part of Matthew wants to bring it up. The part of him that’s been in love with Sung Hanbin for close to a decade, the one that wants to be loved kindly and kissed gently and held closely. The part that wants closure, the one that’s ready to get hurt when Hanbin rejects him.
Then, of course, there is the other part, the bigger, the more vulnerable and pragmatic one, that would rather live in blissful ignorance. He’s done it so long it feels like second nature – denying himself, letting things fester, hoping it’ll go away on its own. If he doesn’t dwell on it, surely one morning he’ll wake up and Hanbin will no longer haunt him. Matthew will go back to being his best friend, his cute younger brother, his baby. He’ll fall in love again and watch Hanbin fall in love in turn and they’ll be happy for one another and it’ll be easy . Matthew won’t have to second guess everything he does, won’t have to try and fail to figure out what Hanbin is thinking, read his fucking mind, because for some reason, he’s able to talk about his issues with everyone except for Matthew.
Just one night – the night before they go back – when he’s sure Hanbin has already fallen asleep, Matthew allows himself to cry for what feels like hours. It changes nothing. All it does is make Hanbin look at him all worried the next morning when he comes down for breakfast, eyes puffy and red. Matthew pretends everything is okay and Hanbin pretends to believe him, or maybe he really does.
When did he stop confiding in Hanbin? The question plagues him as Hanbin drives them back home Wednesday evening. Matthew looks out the window throughout the entire ride and lets his mind wander. He used to share everything with Hanbin and he still does kind of, but somehow it feels like he’s been holding back for a while now. It didn’t bother him before because he knew it was taking everything out of Hanbin back then – being a leader, being their parent, their teacher, the world balancing atop his shoulders. But how much can he excuse it now that the burden has lifted, now that Hanbin is freer than ever but still refuses to talk to Matthew.
Is Matthew, too, holding back out of spite? Hoping that Hanbin will finally notice they no longer talk like they used to. Is he hoping Hanbin will confront him, prove him wrong?
What is the end goal, anyways? What does he want out of these feelings he’s been harboring for so long? Being in love with Hanbin has been a constant state for Matthew since they were trainees – his cool hyung who took care of him, stood by his side as their monthly evaluation scores got announced, and took him on late night dates because Matthew mentioned stargazing once. His reliable hyung, who wouldn’t hear it when Matthew wanted to quit and go back to Canada. The one that dragged him to that coffee and begged him to stay, give it one last shot. The hyung who stopped crying in front of him, who would choose his words carefully so they wouldn’t make the ones around him worry, so they wouldn’t make Matthew worry.
There was never a point where Matthew considered his feelings could ever get resolved, lead up to something, so he never bothered imagining what a relationship with Hanbin would look like. Does Matthew even want them to get resolved, anyways? Or have they simply become such a constant in his life that he doesn’t want to let go no matter what? Can he even imagine a future where the load of them is no longer there, straining the arms that carry them?
When they reach the parking lot, Matthew feels a dull throb at his temples and for one awful second, he wishes he never agreed to this trip in the first place.
Hanbin helps him with the suitcase until the entrance since there’s no one else in the dorms and Matthew thanks him dryly.
“Seokmae, is everything alright?” He sounds genuinely concerned and Matthew almost forgives him on the spot but he doesn’t. He wants to hold onto this for a minute, really think it through. He’s been hurting for a while now, subconsciously or otherwise, and badly wants to consider himself first before anyone else.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? If there’s anything, you can always talk–”
“I’m fine. Just tired. Thank you for the ride, hyung.”
Hanbin nods.
“I love you.” he says it quietly but the corridor is dead silent, he may as well have shouted it straight into Matthew’s ear, that’s how clear it sounds.
“Goodnight, hyung.” Matthew doesn’t get to see the kind of expression Hanbin makes as he closes the door in his face. He doesn't want to know.
Matthew doesn’t reach his and Gyubin’s room, instead collapsing on the couch in the living room. He calls Hao, who answers after two rings.
“Matthew, are you back home?”
“Just arrived, yeah. Are you gonna be long?”
“Hm, I’m not sure. I’m out with some friends, we’re having dinner. Why?”
“No reason.”
“Do you want me to come back?”
“No, it’s okay. I just missed you. Have fun, yeah.”
Hao can obviously tell something is wrong but he also knows Matthew won’t tell him what it is. They don’t lie to each other. That doesn’t mean they tell each other everything but when Matthew puts up his walls momentarily, Hao knows not to press. The walls – they’re hollow, easily made to crumble, so Hao doesn’t press. This too, is an act of love.
“Are you sure?” he asks once more, giving him the opportunity to fess up one last time.
“Yeah, all good. Just wanted to hear hyung’s voice.” Hao laughs softly over the line and it makes Matthew feel marginally better. It’s not a lie, either. He did miss Hao.
“I missed you, too, baby. You can go to sleep in my room if you’re tired, okay? I’ll be back soon.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you.”
*
hanbinna @hambinnie • 1h
240903 🐹💬 00:32 PM KST
🐹*picture*
🐹chuseok with my matthew
🐹*sticker*
🐹(spotify link to Mitski – The Frost)
🐹goodnight, y/n
해바라기🐹@hunnybin • 1h
is hanbin okay :(((
고누쿠🐻@bearwook • 15m
why wouldn’t he be okay??
해바라기🐹@hunnybin • 15m
did u read the lyrics? “you're my best friend now I've no one to tell
how I lost my best friend”, what if sth happened :((
고누쿠🐻 @bearwook • 13m
i wouldn’t read too much into it, he collaborated with her so
it’s probably nothing serious..
해바라기🐹@hunnybin • 9m
i hope so TT_______TT
“Gyubin-ah” Hanbin gives him a worried look. “I’m not sure if you should have told me this.”
There’s confusion written all over Gyubin’s face.
“Ricky told you this in private. I appreciate that you trust me with it and felt comfortable talking about it with hyung, but you can’t out people like that.”
It finally clicks: “Oh! No, it’s fine, Ricky told me it was fine to talk about it, within the group at least. He was actually hoping you would help get him in contact with other people who, um, feel similar. Since you used to be a part of the scene and everything.”
Hanbin breathes out a sigh of relief: “Okay, I’m sorry for assuming you didn’t get his permission.”
“No, it’s fine. It makes sense why you would react like this. But yeah, I know you’ve talked about being friends with some guys who used to be girls, so.” Gyubin looks both awkward and scared to bring this question up and Hanbin gets it. Even though he and Ricky are dating, they only became a thing towards the end of their contract with WakeOne. Hell, they were probably each other’s first guy-crushes. The label “idol” looms over them heavily and makes it almost impossible to link up with the community without the risk of getting outed. So it makes sense why Gyubin would ask him for advice, given the fact that only him and Hao had their shit figured out – well, mostly – before deciding to become idols.
“Yeah, I have some trans friends. Most of them were guys, though. But I knew some of the girls, too. I still keep in touch with one of them.” Gyubin’s face colours in relief. “Does Ricky want advice about transitioning?”
“Not really. He doesn’t really even want us to call him something different, not yet anyways. But he’s been doing some thinking lately and I guess, he wants to make sure or, I don’t know, he just wants to talk with someone about it without the fear of it spreading around.” Hanbin nods thoughtfully. He gets it. Even if his identity is not rooted in his gender, he knows what it’s like. This feeling of otherness, the fear that no one else in the world feels the way that you do – it eats at you no matter how old you are, no matter how mature and emotionally stable. Hanbin was fortunate in this aspect – a family that supports him, a community he was able to mingle with prior to his debut. And despite all that, in a moment of what could probably only be described as a psychotic breakdown, he still tried to go back in the closet and forced himself to date women. Quite unsuccessfully at that. So, yeah, he can only imagine what it must feel like for Ricky.
“I’ll get in touch and ask her if she’s okay with me sharing her contact info.”
“Thank you, hyung.”
“No problem.” Hanbin pats his cheek affectionately. “You’re a good boyfriend, Gyubin-ah, an even better friend.”
Gyubin blushes: “I’m not sure if, if Ricky still wants to, you know…”
“That’s okay, I’m sure you two will figure it out.”
“Yeah, I hope so. I’m just.. glad that he’s talking to me again, you know. It was hell those few weeks. In retrospect I get it, but it still hurt me a little. I wish he would have told me he’s not feeling well or that he’s trying to figure something out and needs some alone time instead of shutting me out completely. Am I selfish for thinking that?”
“I don’t think you are, no. You just love him a lot and want to be there for him – for the good and the bad.” He’s always been like this – Gyubin. The apple of their cheeks, the sweetness in everything they taste, their lionheart, their Gyubin. They text every day but Hanbin misses him all the time.
“Thank you, hyung.”
“Nothing to thank me for, Gyubin-ah.” Hanbin pats his cheek again and ruffles his hair. It’s brown again. He loves this hair on Gyubin, it makes him look even sweeter, lovelier.
“How are the others doing?” Hanbin asks nonchalantly or, well. He tries for it to sound that way.
“They’re okay, a little tired but that’s a given with us. Hao-hyung is thinking of finally finishing up his MA remotely now that we’ve settled and we’re not as busy as we used to be around debut. Yujinie has a girlfriend, I think. He hasn’t told me anything yet, but he’s been out a lot and he just looks, well – in love.” Gyubin says it with one of those smiles that radiates warmth for miles and Hanbin can relate. It feels like yesterday when Yujin was a scrawny kid they were taking care of and babying, and now he’s all grown up. Hanbin feels a pang in his chest.
“What about Matthew?” Hanbin stirs his coffee and tries not to sound like a culprit admitting to their crime. Gyubin, of course, catches on immediately and Hanbin falls into a trap of his own making.
“What about him?” Gyubin asks, feigning ignorance. “Haven’t you guys been texting lately?”
“Not really, you know how busy hyung is.” They’re all busy. The problem is that it’s been weeks (two months) since Hanbin dropped Matthew off at the dorm and since then, he hasn’t had any of his messages answered. December is around the corner. It’s been getting colder and Hanbin has been spending more time inside, holed up. It’s winter in his heart just as it is outside of it.
“He was out with Taerae-hyung the other day, other than that he’s been at the dorms with us. Or on his pseudo-dates with Hao-hyung.”
“I see.”
“Hyung,” Gyubin starts slowly and Hanbin braces himself. “Are you two fighting?”
“No?” Yes. Maybe.
“Why does it sound like a question?” Gyubin’s voice is loud and shrill most of the time but when it’s just the two of them talking, confiding, it turns into a soft, forgiving thing.
“I don’t know.” Hanbin confesses after a loaded few seconds. “He hasn’t been answering my texts and I’m worried.”
“Did you try calling him?”
“Not yet, I haven’t had the time to.”
Gyubin’s voice is soft and forgiving but his eyes narrow down ever so slightly. Hanbin realizes his mistake as soon as he finishes speaking. They’re all busy, but Matthew always makes time for them, for him – like when he sent a food truck during the filming of Hanbin’s drama “Chasing Yesterday” , or when he made those muffins to celebrate Hanbin’s debut even though they were both promoting and he’s sure Matthew must have been dead tired, or the banana bread he made to honor Hanbin’s first music show win. The list goes on.
Hanbin could have tried calling. He did think about it multiple times, but always chickened out just before he pressed on Matthew’s contact. He’s scared.
“I’m scared.” Pathetic excuse, really.
“Why? This is Matthew-hyung, what is there to be scared of?” And isn’t that the question. It’s Matthew. His Matthew. Cube trainee Matthew, BoysPlanet Matthew, ZB1 Matthew, FirstLoveBoys Matthew. The cute baby brother he used to train with and chase towards the same dream with, the cool dongsaeng who placed third dutifully behind him, the charismatic idol who stood on the same stage as him and even now that they no longer share it, he’s still there commanding attention from everyone. Especially Hanbin.
He’s no longer Hanbin’s Matthew, isn’t he? Not really. Hanbin has felt it for a while now – the growing gap between them. Hanbin tries to mend it and just when it feels like they’re back to normal, something minute happens and it’s back to chasing a past that no longer exists.
“I did something, which I regret and I didn’t get the chance to apologize for it. I think it upset Matthew a lot.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Hyung,” there it is, again. His lionheart, his Gyubin. His charming, lovable Gyubin, getting ready to deal the final blow. “You don’t talk to us anymore. Like back then.”
It’s humiliating. Hanbin is older than him but he’s not wiser. After all these years he still has close to nothing figured out.
“Whatever it is, it cannot be that bad. You can talk to us about it, in fact you should talk to us about it. Or, I don’t know, maybe you’re scared we can’t be impartial when it comes to Matthew-hyung anymore. Talk to Gunwookie or to Jiwoong-hyung, or to any of your other friends. I’m worried about you, hyung.” Hanbin feels another wave of shame wash over him. He tries to suppress it, for his own and for Gyubin’s sake. He’s twenty-seven for God’s sake. Why does it feel like he’s not grown a day past nineteen?
“I will, I will. I just need a little time, that’s all. I’m sorry, Gyubin-ah.” For once he means it. The look on Gyubin’s face, the worry laced in his words. Hanbin never wants to see him like this again, he doesn’t want to repeat the past, he cannot repeat it. He owes it to himself and to Matthew and to everyone around him, who loves and cares for him.
“Don’t be a stranger, okay?”
“Okay.” After a pause. “Can you tell Matthew I miss him?”
“Sure. But you have to promise to call him.”
“Promise.”
Hanbin pays for their meal and drives Gyubin back to the dorms. When Gyubin asks if he wants to come in, since Matthew might be home, Hanbin shakes his head no. He misses Matthew more than anything but he doesn’t want to ambush him. If he’s not answering, there’s a reason why, and as much as Hanbin hates to admit it, he knows what it is, just not how to fix it. Before Gyubin enters, Hanbin draws him in for a hug and doesn’t let go for a while. He doesn’t know when he’ll get to see Gyubin again and he kind of needs that hug.
Reluctantly he lets go, ruffles Gyubin’s hair and goes back to the parking lot. Once he reaches his apartment, Hanbin opens KakaoTalk and texts Matthew once more.
한빈형 • 11:13
is it okay if i call you?
석매 • 11:46
sure.
matthew-hyung🦊 @bigbromatthew • 3m
282711 🦊💬 22:43 PM KST
🦊y/n asked me for song recommendations so i made a playlist!
🦊I’ve been listening (to this song) a lot
🦊RM sunbaenim’s “Right People, Wrong Place”
🦊my favorite track from the album?
🦊I like “Domodachi” a lot but I’ve probably listened to “Come back to me” the most
🦊what i’ve been up to?
🦊(I’ve been) working on something but it’s a secret
🦊something like a cover yeah ㅋㅋㅋ
🦊spoiler?? hmmmmm
🦊fine
🦊it’s a duet
🦊”is it with hanbinie?” no it’s not
*
“Seokmae?” Hanbin starts timidly. He didn’t actually expect Matthew to pick up.
“Yeah?”
“Is now a good time?”
“Sure.” Hanbin feels his heart shrivel. This is not like them. He doesn't ask Matthew if it's okay to talk to him. He just calls, Matthew picks up with a cute hyong, and they talk the night away. Even when they're exhausted it goes away in seconds when they hear each other's voices. At least that's how Hanbin feels about it.
“Hyung’s sorry for not calling earlier. I've been a bit busy, though that's not really an excuse.” Matthew just hums in response. “How are you doing Matthew-yah?”
“Okay, had a cold last week and couldn't do much besides sleep and eat.”
“Are you feeling better now?” Hanbin’s worried but tries not to sound too distressed.
“More or less.”
“You'll need to catch up on your gym time once you feel better then.” Hanbin tries for a joke and manages a small airy laugh, which Matthew returns halfheartedly.
“Yeah, I'll have to rope Gyubin into it. Maybe if he’s with me while I bother Hao-hyung, he'll conveniently forget the doctor’s orders and let me go.”
“Maybe he will, yeah. No one can say no to Gyubinie.”
A silence follows. Matthew doesn't ask how Hanbin’s been and it's not like he anticipated him to.
“Seokmae,” his voice came out wetter than he wanted it. He doesn't want to cry, not in front of Matthew, even if he can't see him. “Seokmae, hyung's sorry, okay? I shouldn't have done what I did back in Cheonan. I was drunk, which again is not an excuse. But I was and I wasn't thinking at all, and now things are awkward between us. Can we, can we just forget it happened?”
Matthew scoffs and Hanbin’s heart sinks. There he goes again saying all the wrong things, except he's sure this time around Matthew won't extend him a branch and tell him what it is that he said wrong.
“You can't even say it out loud — that you kissed me.” Hanbin doesn't know how to answer so he ends up saying nothing. “Why did you do it?”
“I don't know, I wasn't thinking. All I know is that I'm sorry. It wasn't fair to you. Hyung really regrets it, Matthew-yah. Can't you forgive me?”
“You regret it?”
“I do, I'm sorry.”
If Hanbin was there in Matthew’s room, he would see the look on his face — small and wounded, tears on the verge of spilling. But he can't see it, he can only hear Matthew’s voice, which sounds angry and unforgiving.
“If that's the case, then I wish you’d have never taken me to Cheonan.” Matthew doesn't get angry, not really. He gets heated and he bickers with people until it blows out and then he giggles at the memory of it. He doesn't get angry because the people around him don't give him a reason to, except now Hanbin has done just that. Matthew’s voice is cross, it sounds equal parts furious and wounded. Hanbin is so taken aback that the hurt it’s laced witg doesn’t translate until later, when the call is long over.
“Don't say that,” Hanbin begs quietly, a pressure building around his throat, squeezing it shut. He can barely get the words out.
“I mean it. You don't get to play with my feelings and then say you regret it. Fuck.” Matthew heaves. The phone is hot next to Hanbin’s ear, almost like Matthew is breathing down his neck. “I know you have your shit and I have my shit, but you've been the worst lately. If you don't want to talk to me about it, that's fine, not like we've known each other for seven years. But I have feelings, too, and for the past two months I've been feeling like crap, no small amount thanks to you. Figure your things out and then call me, cause I'm not coddling you anymore when I can tell you don't even know what you're apologizing about.”
There's a beat after the slap Matthew just delivered to his cheek and Hanbin can't really even take a proper breath anymore.
“You're right.” He says quietly. “You're right, I'm sorry.”
“Apologize when you mean it.”
Hanbin hums as Matthew ends the call. He's so used to saying I love you at the end of every call. He holds it back this time, chokes on it, coughs around the words but doesn’t let them escape.
mtwhyung @bigbromatthew • 3m
280712 🦊💬 19:43 PM KST
🦊今愛を 捨ててしまえば傷つける人もないけど(No one would get hurt if I threw away my love for you now)*
🦊Maki(&Team) recommended this song to me :))
*lyrics from Arai Yumi’s “I wish I could go back to that day” translated from JPN-> KR->ENG
*
December is busy.
Hanbin gets his schedule and is confirmed to be the MC for MBC’s year end awards. He also finally gets confirmation about his special stage with Matthew, except the news doesn’t bring him any joy or comfort. They’re set to have only one rehearsal since their schedules don’t align, what with FirstLove gearing up for an early January Japanese comeback and Hanbin’s own company pushing for him to audition for dramas left and right. The practice is next Thursday, approximately two weeks before New Year’s Eve, and it’ll be the first time in more than two months he’ll get to see Matthew in person.
Hanbin hasn’t called him since the last time, but he’s been texting him from time to time and Matthew has even started replying back, which is as good a sign as any. Hanbin doesn’t want him to think he’s fine with where they left things off, but he’s also not confident enough to talk it out yet. He wants to be good to Matthew for once, to tell it to him how it is, without holding back under the pretext of sparing his feelings, when in reality Hanbin is just guarding his own.
Thursday arrives in a flash and Hanbin finds himself face to face with his best friend. Matthew looks better, much livelier than the last time he saw him. Hanbin greets him timidly and Matthew answers back, even gives him a half smile, which makes Hanbin breathe a sigh of relief.
Practice is grueling as always but it’s fun. The dance doesn’t look how it used to a few months ago. Every move, every touch, every eye contact is more charged. It’s different but Hanbin’s started ridding himself of the notion that different equals worse. It’s scary but it’s exciting. He wants to walk into the future with Matthew instead of dwelling on the past.
During one of their breaks they make small talk until suddenly Matthew’s voice dies down. He opens his mouth then closes it, then opens it again and finally, the words find a gap to escape through: “I’m sorry about the call. You caught me at a bad moment and I took it out on you.”
Hanbin gapes. He doesn’t get it. After all these years he’s ready to admit it. He knows Matthew, of course he does, they’ve been friends longer than they haven’t, but sometimes he really doesn’t understand him. Hanbin has an inkling it’s mutual. Then again it isn’t like he’s made it easy for Matthew to begin with.
“You don’t have to apologize. You had – have – the right to be mad at me, I haven’t exactly been a good friend, lately. I don’t want you to think that,” Hanbin gulps around the tightness in his throat, ”that I’m trying to sweep this under the rug again. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me and you’re right. It’s not fair to you. There are things I never wanted to say to you cause I just wanted to let you live, but it seems I’ve hurt you in the process instead.”
“Yeah but it’s not just you. I haven’t been good to you, either, hyung. I’ve been holding back because I was upset that you were holding back. I’m so fucking petty and for what.” Hanbin’s hand rises on instinct to cup Matthew’s cheek, then it freezes mid-air. When Matthew doesn’t pull back Hanbin lets his hand do what it’s used to doing and watches with gratification as Matthew melts into the touch, lashes fluttering as he blinks slowly.
“On New Year’s come back home with me. After the concert.” It’s a plea.
“I have a schedule the next day.” Hanbin knows he’s asking a lot but it feels like if it doesn’t happen then it’ll never happen at all.
“Still. Come home with me. I want to talk more with you about this, without-” Hanbin gestures around the practice room. Choreographers, managers, staff. They’re never truly alone.
“Fine.” Matthew nods.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re paying for my cab in the morning though.” he threatens. Hanbin laughs.
“Of course. Anything.”
한빈 • 11:03
hyung
하오하오 • 11:07
hanbinie?
한빈 • 11:08
are you busy?
하오하오 • 11:08
a little
is something wrong?
한빈 • 11:09
when does your schedule end?
하오하오 • 11:09
around 7 i think
한빈 • 11:09
are you free after?
하오하오 • 11:09
yeah
한빈 • 11:10
i want to meet up, is that okay?
there’s this restaurant i’ve been wanting to go to
my treat
하오하오 • 11:10
sure
send me the location
i’ll text you when i’m done
i’ll probably take a shower and change before that though
한빈 • 11:11
okayy
*location*
*
“I already ordered, hope that’s okay, hyung.” Hanbin says as a greeting when Hao enters the private booth he booked for them. Hao gives him a hug and smiles.
“Yeah, of course. We always get the same thing anyways.”
They spend the next ten minutes catching up before the food gets served. Mostly it’s a vent session about how dense schedules are and how they won’t be able to see their families for the holidays again, which, of course, they’re used to, having spent the last five years as active idols and all that. That doesn’t mean they can’t complain about it in private. Hao asks how Hanbin’s auditions are going and Hanbin’s happy to share that he’s in the final stages of getting cast as the second male lead for a remake of a popular Japanese drama. Hao congratulates him sincerely and tries to make Hanbin spill the beans about the title and the cast. Hanbin, highly superstitious, beams under the praise but keeps his mouth shut. Hao chastises him about always leaving the fun bits out.
“By the way, Ricky asked me thank you for linking him up with your noona. He’s probably texted you already but he still wanted me to tell you in person.”
“No problem, I’m glad I was able to help.” Hanbin waves it off. He really didn’t do much besides text Ricky her KaTalk and link him to some LGBT+ pages and hot-lines that operate within Seoul. “How are things going with him?”
“They’re good, I think. He looks happier lately, more confident – not that he ever lacked in that aspect to begin with. He asked Yujin to try calling him noona and got super embarrassed afterwards but I think he secretly liked hearing it.” Hanbin smiles fondly, tries to give shape and colour to this memory. Their Yujin, tall as a tree, lips shaping around the syllables. Ricky-noona. In moments like these Hanbin misses them more than ever, their old dorm, getting to see these moments first hand, partaking in their joy, sometimes being the cause of it. “Oh and Gyubinie bought him a “Girl Power” shirt from SPAO , which he said is the ugliest fucking thing I’ve seen in my life , but he wears it around the dorm all the time, so.”
“That sounds like him, yeah.” Hanbin smiles and takes a careful sip from his cocktail.
Hao lets him play-pretend for all of thirty seconds before he bears down on him full force: “Hanbin-ah, why did you call me over?”
“Because I missed you.” Hao's right eyebrow shoots up with an alarming speed, which makes Hanbin smile fondly. Hanbin thought about this a lot — what to say, what not to, how to phrase it so it comes out right. Face to face with Hao, however, it all flies out of his head and he falls back on old habits.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry, for back then. I feel like I never apologized properly.”
“Back then?”
“The end of 2023, when I–” he is about to go on an extended monologue but Hao cuts him short.
“Hanbin-ah, are you stupid?” Hanbin chokes on his food. Hao hands him a napkin, which he accepts silently, coughing as discreetly as possible into it, even though there’s no one around to see him. “You’ve apologized enough about it. In fact, you’ve apologized more times than is necessary. It’s all in the past, okay. Long gone. You need to move on, because I have.” Hanbin nods, his cheeks turning pink.
Hanbin’s gotten better about it over the years, he swears. But every once in a while it comes back to him, swinging like a baseball bat, ready to strike all the places that are still tender, still ache, still hurt. It’s a dull kind of pain most days but it’s pain nonetheless. Memories flash of him on his knees, after trying and failing to make it work with yet another faceless, nameless woman, begging Hao to hold him, kiss him, fuck him, love him. It was humiliating. The fact that Hao turned him down, even more so. In retrospect, Hanbin is grateful that Hao refused to have sex with him, as would any sensible person in this situation, but back then he was anything but. He hated Hao, and refused to listen to reason.
“You and Matthew are so alike in some aspects, I swear. It's kind of scary actually.” He shakes his head as though he cannot believe Hanbin is even bringing it up. The correlation to Matthew gets lost on him. “Hey, Hanbin-ah, did you know that me and Matthew stopped sleeping together because I have a girlfriend now? No? Of course, you didn’t. Or hear that – before you took him to Cheonan, he had a whole breakdown that he’s been leading me on just like he did Gunwookie, even though I’ve told him several times I don’t have feelings for him. Doesn’t ring a bell? Of course it doesn’t. Because you guys don’t talk. Like ever. What’s that about?”
Hanbin gapes, he tries to take in all the information that was just dumped on him, to process it.
“I’m trying to fix it.” Hanbin’s voice is barely audible once he finally manages to speak up. He sounds young and scared, and Hao’s accusatory expression mellows. “I thought that you two–”
“What, that we liked each other? Hanbin-ah, seriously. I love Matthew and I love whatever we had and will continue to have in the future. That doesn't mean I'm in love with him – you of all people should know that better than anyone else.” It’s an intentional jab, but not an unfriendly one. Hao is laying it out for him clearly. That era has passed. Nothing that belonged to it exists anymore. He’s allowed to move on and joke about it instead of condemning himself as though an unthinkable crime is what he committed. It’s not. He was once twenty-two, Hao was twenty-three and in love with him. Hanbin took advantage of that because he believed he was in love with him, too. What’s said is said, what’s done is done.
“Hyung-ah,” Hanbin says, voice trembling. He’s trying to be strong. “I’m in love with Matthew.” Hao nods knowingly. “I’m in love with him and I fucked up.”
“I know.”
“I’ve never – this is my first time saying it out loud. I think I never even allowed myself to think about it, let alone say it.” Hao takes a hold of his shaking hand and squeezes it tightly.
“Hyung knows.”
“How?”
“I’m half your soul, remember? And Matthew is the other.”
Hanbin nods once, twice, and finally allows the tears to fall down his cheeks. Once the dam has broken and there’s nothing holding it back, Hanbin realizes just how long he’s ignored his feelings for, how much he’s let them fester. The heaviness with which his tears fall – a bullet ricocheting.
“Aww,” Hao coos and pats his head. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You may be stupid and your Matthew may be even stupider, but you’ll figure it out. Just talk to him, yeah?” Hanbin nods and lets Hao brush away his tears with a handkerchief.
“You’re such a baby, Hanbin-ah.”
“Shut up.” he wails and it’s only slightly embarrassing. Doesn’t matter anyways. Hao’s seen it all already. The good, the bad and the ugly. What he ever did for Hao to fall in love with him back then is beyond Hanbin. It feels like all he ever did was show him his ugly. It’s still all he ever shows him.
rikki-meimei @littledarlingrikki • 15m
Digimonz livestream 🦊🐱 18:43 PM KST
💬which of the members do you want to have as a little sister?
🦊ricky!(cutely)
🐱no one..
🦊just answer the question, don’t be a buzzkill (in eng)
🐱fine, gunwook(in eng)
🦊oh, i can see that!
*
jakkungz 💚 @wildangelsightings • 1h
JAKKKUNGZ 2 KIDS COLLAB AT MBC GAYO DAEJEJEON????
i will fucking protect matthew⚔️ @feebleofferings • 1s
OP WDM JAKKUNGS COLLAB??
heartz tinhatter first human being second🦊🎻@yuriangel333 • 1h
that’s what matthew was spoiling during digimonz live last week??
jakkungz yaoi SAVE ME 👨❤️💋👨@jakkungzyaoi • 15m
WE’RE SO FUCKING BACK U GUYS
mattbin yuri SAVE ME👩❤️💋👩@matthewunnie • 12m
if they don’t film a challenge after im gonna kms .. wdm they promoted tgt and nothing?? EVERYONE in firstlove was praising INVU and dancing to it on lives and even on weekly idol and ure telling me no tiktok came out of it?? studio glide…when i catch u studio glide..
*
“Hyung, I’m cold.” Matthew whines even though he’s wearing both his and Hanbin’s puffer jackets. His nose and cheeks are flushed red and for once Hanbin is happy that he runs hot all year around.
“I turned on the AC but it’ll take a bit. I’m sorry, my baby.” Hanbin wonders if he imagines the look in Matthew’s eyes when he calls him baby. His baby. In fact, Matthew has been giving him this look since their “2 Kids” performance earlier. He was also basically glued to Hanbin’s hip as they did the New Year’s countdown, which made Hanbin’s face redder than the deer antlers on top of Matthew’s head. He’s not complaining but it did take him by surprise considering the past three months.
Hanbin’s still buzzing with adrenaline from the performances, so initially he doesn’t hear Matthew’s request to put something on speaker. When Matthew repeats himself, Hanbin finally snaps out of it, unlocks his phone and hands it over to Matthew who plays Feye Webster.
“The right side of my neck still smells like you. ” Matthew’s voice sounds as beautiful as always and Hanbin feels the adrenaline slowly leaving his body. He’s still thinking about his performance – the parts he’s satisfied with, what he could have done better. Mostly, though, he’s revisiting his stage with Matthew. It was exhilarating.
With the amount of time they got to rehearse Hanbin was afraid it would come off looking dissatisfactory, that everyone would be able to tell there’s something unspoken between him and Matthew but that wasn’t the case. Hanbin’s brain has this tendency to rewrite memories for the worse, but standing on the stage tonight reminded him of one of life’s simplest facts – dancing with Matthew is easy. Thinking about Matthew, talking to him, loving him, dancing with him – it’s all so easy. Why did he have to go and make it all so complicated?
They’re at a red sign when Hanbin feels eyes burning into him. He turns right and sees Matthew mouthing the lyrics: “The right side of my neck still smells like you. ” Over and over again.
It sends a shiver down his spine. He mouths the lyrics back.
It takes a while to reach Hanbin’s apartment due to the traffic. Once they do, Hanbin opens the car door for Matthew and ushers him inside quickly. He’d purposefully left the AC in his apartment on so Matthew wouldn’t get cold.
“The make-up wipes are under the sink in the bathroom.” Hanbin instructs as he takes his shoes off and goes to fetch champagne from the fridge. “You can also take a shower if you want, you know where my clothes are.” Matthew nods.
Once they’ve both washed up and have scrubbed their faces clean, Hanbin helps Matthew blow-dry his hair, then they take a seat on the floor in the living room. Matthew looks so cute with his hair freshly washed and fluffy. His cheeks are pink and his eyes are downturned, sleepy, but Hanbin can tell he’s awake, buzzing.
Matthew cheers him on as Hanbin unscrews the cork and pours them both a flute of champagne each. Some of it ends up on the floor but Hanbin just giggles, presses a few napkins to the puddle and says he’ll clean up tomorrow.
“We should do the countdown before we drink it.” Hanbin says out of nowhere.
“Hyung, it’s already way past midnight. What time is it anyways?” Matthew asks as he taps the screen of his phone. “Three thirty. What’s the point of doing it again?”
“I just want to.” Hanbin pouts. Matthew rolls his eyes but leaves him to his own devices. He watches in confusion as Hanbin turns on the TV and puts on a video of fireworks erupting. Then he starts counting down from ten. Hanbin feels a little silly but it’s all worth it when he sees the grin on Matthew’s face.
Matthew, of course, joins him, his voice sweeter than sweet: “Five, four, three, two, o-”
Hanbin kisses him. It happens fast and only lasts a second. The look on Matthew’s face is so beyond confused, Hanbin’s sure he must think he’s dreaming. That this is all an ill-natured prank. Something pained starts taking form on the surface of his face. Before it can turn into an open, gaping wound Hanbin finally says the right thing.
“I’m sorry that I said I’m sorry. I don’t regret kissing you one bit. The only thing I regret is how it happened.” Matthew's mouth turns into a little o-shape. Oh. “I don’t regret it because, because I’m-” Hanbin takes a big breath and finally says it out loud. The truth. “I’m in love with you. I love you, Matthew.”
Matthew bites his lip and Hanbin can see the exact moment it clicks in his head. Matthew’s eyes turn glassy and his chin trembles as he fights back the tears from spilling over.
“Fuck, you’re so mean, hyung.”
“I know, I’m sorry. Your hyung is mean and stupid and awful.”
Matthew nods and finally manages to subdue the tears, letting a breathy laugh escape him instead.
“We’re both kind of stupid, aren’t we?”
“Yeah.”
“Hyung?” Hanbin hums. “Kiss me?”
Hanbin puts a hand to Matthew’s neck and draws him in. It tastes salty. It takes Hanbin a while to realize it’s his own tears. It’s been years since he last really cried in front of Matthew. Without trying to hide it. Matthew presses into him until it becomes a little painful but Hanbin lets him. He’ll take anything Matthew gives him, everything.
When they part, Matthew uses the sleeve of his hoodie to wipe away Hanbin’s tears.
“I’m sorry, I went about this the wrong way again. We needed to talk first and then–”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It is. We can talk tomorrow, okay. We have all the time in the world. Just – promise me you won’t run away and that we’ll actually talk about it.” Matthew’s smile is the sun and Hanbin is the sunflower that can’t look away.
“Yeah, of course. I promise. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Matthew places a peck to his lips and giggles.
“Let’s go to sleep, hyung. I’m tired.”
Matthew ropes Hanbin into carrying him to bed even though they’re both tired. Hanbin only pretends to hate it but anyone can tell it’s for show. The solid weight of Matthew’s body in his arms, his breath washing over Hanbin’s neck, lips just shy of his ear. Hanbin could never hate this. If he could, he would spend the rest of his life carrying Matthew, loving him.
Koreaboo✅ @Koreaboo • 12m
“First Love Boys” SEOK MATTHEW gets into a dating scandal after he’s caught sneaking out of Actor and Soloist SUNG HANBIN'S apartment the morning after New Year’s Eve.
*link*
[+14, -3] This is seriously hilariousㅋㅋㅋ Not even Haobin got into a dating scandal while ZB1 was activeㅋㅋㅋ
[+23, -8] Losing Sung Hanbin with a face which could save Korea’s low birth rate to the Embassy of Canada???
[+3, -43] Didn’t they know each other way before Boy’s Planet? I saw something in the comments about them getting matching rings before the show too…
[+189, -43] Mr. President please legalize same-sex marriage so Sung Hanbin doesn’t have to move to Canada ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
[+89, -2] It’s ZB1’s fault.. I thought Hanbin would debut in a normal group that’s why I voted for him like crazy but they seriously put him together with these gays… Kim Taerae, you f*cker, are you happy??
[+12, -39] I guess men can’t visit their friend’s homes anymore without being accused of taking it raw from the back…You people seriously ㅋㅋㅋ
*
Hanbin wakes up to an empty bed, a handwritten note from Matthew on the bedside table and about a dozen missed calls and messages. Most of them Hanbin doesn’t understand until he sees the article. It’s written in a joking manner as all articles about gay dating scandals are, that is to say it doesn’t phase him much. The messages from his friends and family, all people in the know, are either questioning the validity of it or in the case of his former teammates congratulating him, which may be a little presumptuous but then again, he lived with them two and a half years.
Hanbin makes himself coffee, checks his schedule even though he knows it by heart, and rereads Matthew’s note over and over again.
Take me to you
The rainbows after the rain
Will it last forever?
I long for the freedom you give me
Take me to the first gentle wind.
I’ve been dreaming of your love, yeah, yeah.
Hyung, please don’t make me wait any longer.
They still have much to discuss. It won’t be easy and Hanbin can’t lie and say he’s not afraid it’ll do them more harm than good. Schedules will keep them apart more often than not, Hanbin will leave for the military at one point, they’ll probably never get to be open about it – not until they retire, if they last that long, anyways. But then he remembers the sight of Matthew bundled up in his clothes, sleeping soundly in his bed and decides that, yeah. It’s worth it. The end is just that – the end. Hanbin’s tired of living in the past and fearing the future. Life is now. With his friends and his family and his colleagues. With Matthew.
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 18h
a japanese firstlove fan uploaded a photo of jakkkungz going inside a tattoo studio tgt from 2 months ago.. remember when hanbin stayed behind after kcon japan?? according to my friend who stans them matthew was missing from an in-person fansign that took place the day after as well..
shimkongz troublemaker cover🙏🏽@gyubrikpeasinapot • 17h
no way.. could it be matching tattoos??? matthew never stops yapping how did they keep
quiet about it for so long????
rikki🍓@strawberrikky • 6h
didn’t they say sth about matching tats all the way back in 2023 or am i trippin??
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 6h
it’s from 2024 but yes, here’s a link to the fansign!! hanbin also talked
about it in a live stream :))
*link*
*
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 19:03
290608🐹 instagram live thread 18:43 PM KST
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 19:03
💬did u get a matching tattoo w/ matthew oppa?
🐹all of a sudden?? ah.. did he say sth about it?
💬he hasn’t..
🐹eung? then how did you know??
행냥이🐹@mysunghambin • 19:03
ah hanbin’s seriously so cute!! he accidentally told on himself bc he thought matthew had already talked about their tattoo😭😭 they wanted to keep it a secret and didn’t know they got photographed haha he asked us not to tell matthew about it so he won't get scolded(?)
jakkkungz yuri save me @jakkkungzyuri • 1h
290609 🦊💬 09:33 PM KST
🦊ah this hyung..
🦊after joking about my clothes and how it’ll give it away
🦊I seriously stopped wearing tank tops so it wouldn’t show
🦊yes we got matching tattoos in japan
🦊what is it?
🦊it’s a secret of course
🦊maybe i’ll show it someday but for now..
🦊it’s on the back that’s all i’m going to say(in eng)
🦊mine is on the right side and hyungs is on the left(in eng)
🦊they’re a pair ㅋㅋㅋ
🦊i just came here to scold hyung
🦊now i’m going to sleep
🦊goodnight y/n