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Pennywise was incredibly depressed.
Ever since word got out that he had gotten his ass kicked by literal kids, his reputation had gone down the shitter.
He was now a punchline among horror mascots, and this drove Pennywise to drink massive amounts of Kool Aid to take his mind off it.
As Pennywise continued drinking, he decided to turn the TV on.
His depression turned to rage as he saw a superhero on TV blowing up a giant monster with an attack that he called his, Spectre Flash! Pennywise tried changing the channel but saw that the remote had no batteries, so he was stuck watching this shit.
"WE LOVE YOU SPECTREMAN" yelled the crowd below.
Spectreman flashed a thumbs up at his adoring fanbase before flying up into space to presumably battle more evil.
"BOOOOO! BOO I SAY" yelled Pennywise only to himself.
Suddenly, Pennywise heard a knock at the door.
"Alright, I'm coming" said Pennywise Pennywise opened the door and found that it was literally a kid with cancer. Pennywise snickered to himself before saying “why hello Cailou. Did PBS finally fire you?”
The kid’s stern look didn’t even leave his face.
He just simply held out his hand and said “Money. Now. Pay up or things’ll get nasty.”
Pennywise said “really? How so?.
The make a wish foundation child just snapped his fingers, and two more kids appeared alongside him. One kid was in an iron lung, and one kid was on crutches. Pennywise’s smile just grew even bigger before he condescendingly said “D’awwww, wouldja look at the wittle kids. Do you want a participation twophy for doing such a good job?”
"I want my money now. If you don’t give it, Leopold over here is going to put you in a world of hurt" said the cancer patient while gesturing to the kid in the iron lung.
Pennywise just said “you really think you, a bunch of kids on death’s row can take me, when I have the power to bend universes to my will? I’ve exterminated whole civilizations, burned planets, and caused more extinctions before you even-” Pennywise didn’t get a chance to finish as the kid in the iron lung ran over his foot and rammed into his chest.
Pennywise was knocked into a wall, before Leopold rammed into him once again, causing Pennywise to cough up an extraordinary amount of blood.
Pennywise then fell over, while Leopold began using his iron lung to repeatedly run over the killer clown dozens of times, flattening the clown in the process. Pennywise was gargling blood like toothpaste as he said “I’ll get you your money, just please don’t hurt me anymore!”
The Cailou lookalike said “Leopold, enough.” The kid in the iron lung got off of him and allowed the clown to stew in his own juices. Cailou then came over and said “bring the money by the end of the week, or I’ll be back.”
Cailou and his boys then left the room, leaving Pennywise to sulk once more.
A few hours later, a group of pom actors arrived at Pennywise's apartment. Pennywise rents out his apartment to porn actors because he had to raise the money somehow.
The pornstars then began filming their newest movie.
The porno was called SpERECTorman and was a porn parody of Spectreman.
The guy was dressed as Spectreman and the girl was dressed as Rie. "Oh Spectreman, I want you to create a pollution free environment in my pussy" said the actress passionately. Sperectorman then said “oh don’t mind if I do. I’m gonna clear your ozone layer.”
The two actors began having sex on-top of Pennywise’s battered body, harming the clown even more. Soon, the constant blows to the head began pissing Pennywise off an insane amount, and he decided enough was enough.
“THAT IS ENOUGH YOU STUPID FUCK YOU HAVE TO BE EVERYWHERE ON TV BUT NOW YOU'RE INSIDE MY PERSONAL LIFE" screamed Pennywise.
Sperectorman looked down and said “this is a very funny sounding rug.”
Pennywise immediately threw the couple off of him in a furious rage.
Pennywise then tackled the actor playing Sperectorman (that he hallucinated as the real Spectreman) and beat the everloving shit out of him. Pennywise kept beating up the actor with furious vigor until Sperectorman stood up and said "I'm not afraid of you."
After that, Pennywise's punches began to feel like butterfly kisses on the actor's face. Pennywise then looked at the actor’s unharmed body. Pennywise soon noticed that Sperectorman was surprisingly muscular, and also taller than him. Pennywise heart shrank, before he lightly dusted off Sperectorman while sheepishly saying “I didn’t mean that.”
Sperectorman then proceeded to body slam Pennywise with all the force of a middle aged mom on black Friday, causing Pennywise to cough up even more gallons of blood. Ria’s actress then said “Sperectorman, lay off.”
Sperectorman did as he was told before Rie’s actress said “I want a turn with him.”
Pennywise just said “oh dear god.” before Rie slammed Pennywise with her elbow and broke the clown’s ribs.
Several hours later, the pornstars had their fill of beating up Pennywise before leaving his apartment. As Pennywise lay there, he saw his landlord standing there with his arms crossed and a disappointed look on his face.
“I'm evicted aren't I?” asked Pennywise "Oh yeah" said the landlord.
"Curse you Spectreman" said Pennywise silently.
The next day Pennywise (who was miraculously healed) went to the job center to look for a new job.
He saw auditions for "Superhero Slayer" and it was by some guy named "Dr. Gori", whatever that means.
On the day of the job, Pennywise brought with him his lucky charm, a lock of Tim Curry’s hair.
IN JOKE ALERT! IN JOKE ALERT! IN JOKE ALERT!
The clown arrived at Dr. Gori's ship. He was greeted by the sight of the ape and his assistant Ra. Dr. Gori cried over his latest loss against Spectreman as Ra was trying to comfort his master. Dr Gori sobbed as he said “how could my latest monster have been defeated? It was my greatest creation yet!” Ra comforted his master as he said "don't be sad because it’s over, smile because it happened."
Dr Gori began crying even harder as Ra said "wait, that's not how the saying goes." Dr. Gori continued crying until he spied Pennywise entering through the door.
Suddenly, Dr. Gori reclaimed his cool exterior like nothing even happened and said "greetings mortal, what is it that you would like to partake in today?" Pennywise asked "I'm here to audition for the superhero slaying job."
Dr Gori (while twirling his arms in a cartwheel like fashion) said "ah yes, the job for slaying my most hated foe, Spectreman."
Pennywise said "yeah that, could I have the job?"
Dr. Gori did several laps around the room and said "of course you can, because you asked so nicely." Pennywise happily said "really?" Ra corrected his master and said "well actually you're the only one who auditioned so you win by default."
Pennywise jumped for joy and said "HOORAY FOR BEING THE DEFAULT!"
Pennywise decided to show off his powers to the apes. "Watch me turn into a clown" he said. Pennywise did as he said and shapeshifted into his classic clown form. “Impressive” said Ra.
"That's all well and good but how will this defeat Spectreman?" Said Dr. Gori. "Simple, children love clowns, and Spectreman loves children" said Pennywise without a hint of self awareness. "I shall befriend all the children and Spectreman shall trust me.
Then I will get revenge on him for making me homeless!" Dr. Gori and Ra had no idea that Spectreman's powers were so vast he could rob his foes of their shelter at will.
"Truly a fearsome enemy" said Ra. "Has he not any mercy?".
"He truly is evil." Said Pennywise. Then he saw Ra's costume collection.
"Hey wait, why are my mother's shoes there?" Dr Gori then looked inside and continued "and why are my mom's clothes in there?.
And the landlord from before randomly showed up to say "and why is my mom's dress in here too?"
Ra just nervously said "uhhhhh, I'm late for my doctor's appointment before jumping out the window. The three of them just stood there, dumbfounded at what just happened. There were so many Implications about the previous event, but since this is only a one-shot fic, we aren't going to dwell on any of them. Dr. Gori just said "well, let's get you prepared."
The following events were a montage of epic proportions.
Pennywise trained his ass off at the command of Dr. Gori.
There were numerous hurdles to jump through, as well as hardship over whether or not Pennywise could even stand a chance against Dr. Gori's archenemy.
Dr. Gori just told Pennywise to relax and concentrate on the coming goal.
Soon, Pennywise had actually become pretty badass. Now he felt like he was finally ready to take down the superhero, Spectreman, and make Dr. Gori proud of him. ----
Pennywise arrived to the scene in his clown get up. It was a very important day today.
The President had hired a clown to keep his son entertained while he was away.
Pennywise decided to entertain the kid by putting on a movie or something. "Daddy, is that a real clown?" Asked the son.
"Of course I am, and I can't be around children" said Pennywise.
"What?" asked the kid.
The president ignored that and said “I’m late for my meeting. Behave yourself now!" before leaving in a huff. With him out of sight Pennywise said "okay listen here you little runt, you are the President's son and you are going to help me get Spectreman".
"Sure" said the kid. "Good, now I'll teach you how to swear and shit" said Pennywise.
That afternoon, Pennywise taught the president's son every single swear word and racial slur across the cosmos. The president's son (we'll call him Billy) nodded his head and had a huge grin on his face the entire time.
After all that, Pennywise then said "now go and get Spectreman." Billy nodded and said "okay towelhead" before calling up the environmentally friendly hero.
Billy called Spectreman and said "yo what's up bitchass nigga, the motherfucking president wants to see you for a quick second, so get over here fast, slopehead."
Billy then hung up the phone and Pennywise flashed him a thumbs up.
Soon, Spectreman arrived at the white house and Pennywise said "Spectreman, welcome to die!"
Spectreman just said "what does that mean?" Pennywise just awkwardly said "I was wondering whether I should say welcome to your doom, or prepare to die, but I couldn't decide so I combined them both."
Spectreman just ignored that and said "it’s not nice to spread pollution across this wonderful planet we call earth."
Pennywise just laughed and said "who cares about earth? Where I'm from, I'm a cosmic deity who does battle against a giant turtle."
Pennywise then turned to you, the person reading this fic and abruptly said "seriously, look it up" before returning to Spectreman and saying 'you've helped ruin my life, and now I'm going to ruin you."
Pennywise screamed and revealed his tentacles, before jumping into the air and raising his leg with the intent of kicking Spectreman across his stupid fucking head.
This failed miserably as Spectreman just stepped slightly to the side and Pennywise broke his leg the second he hit the ground. Spectreman then began pleading and said “you don’t seem like the villainous type.
With all your power, think of all the good you could do for the human race!” Pennywise said “I don’t wanna help the human race, unless they’re sexy children.” Spectreman then frowned and said “what do you mean?” “I said” said Pennywise.
“There’s a scene in the book where the kids have an or- hold on, what” he said, taking out the book and reading it. “Oh yeah, there’s a scene where the kids have an orgy. What did Stephen King mean by that anyway?
Pennywise then tossed the book away before crabwalking towards the environmentally friendly superhero and kicking him in the knees repeatedly. Spectreman just stood there with his arms crossed, not even reacting to the (honestly kinda pathetic) beating he was receiving from Pennywise.
“You do not need to do this. I still believe there is good in you” said Spectreman.
Pennywise didn’t wanna hear it.
He just pulled out his slick ass glock and began unloading shots into Spectreman’s head, or at least he would’ve, if the gun would actually bother going off.
As Pennywise fiddled with the firearm, Spectreman plucked the gun out of his hand and said “you forgot to turn the safety off.”
Pennywise just said “I knew that, I was testing you.”
Pennywise then reached into his pants and pulled out a bazooka from his G-String and yelled “PENNY BAZOOKA!” before blasting Spectreman’s impossibly perfect nose to bits.
Or at least, that’s what he wanted to happen. In actuality, the rocket bounced harmlessly off of Spectreman’s chest.
Spectreman then said “you remembered to insert gun powder into the rocket right?”
Pennywise began sweating and said “uhhhh, yeah. I know everything about building explosives.”
“Pssst!” said Billy, who had secretly watched the fight. “Pennywise, use these!”
He handed Pennywise a deadly pair of scissors. These were no ordinary pair of scissors, as whoever was stabbed by them would not only be sent to the shadow realm, but also suffer for millennia as a displaced soul.
Pennywise grinned as he walked to Spectreman and said “hasta la vista, Barbie” before sticking a scissor blade in his chest and the other in his neck. “Uh, Pennywise, I’m right over he”- said Spectreman, but his words did nothing as it turned out Pennywise was actually stabbing Dr. Gori unknowingly.
Blood spurted out of Dr. Gori’s body and he froze before laughing madly. He vomited some crazy red shit as his eyelids and nose started dripping the same thing.
The soul of Dr. Gori went to hell, and then IKEA, and then Subway’s, because nutrition is important.
Finally his soul went to Asphodel, because Hell was already full of people that bought merchandise of the band Nickelback.
Meanwhile, Pennywise was hissing with glee screaming “Yes! Yes! Spectreman is no more!” before going home, forgetting that earlier he had been kicked out and was homeless.
Spectreman shook his head and said “that’s not the behavior of an All American Boy.”
He turned to a side and then said “and that's why today's fanfic is supported by Pixy Sticks. Buy a pack for $4.99 for yummy stixy adventures” before flying off to battle more evil.