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The sun had just set, a slight orange hue still visible at where the sky met the ground. Dark inky blue slowing fighting for it’s control over the sky. A few stars glistened here and there but the Los Santos light pollution obscured most of them from view. Most people would probably consider this to be bad, to be a sad state to be in but not Sean Poole. He loved the lights of Los Santos. He could happily never see stars again as long as he had his lights.
They reminded him of home, they were a comfort to him. Sitting on the top of the apartment building, legs swinging off the edge and night bring a slight chill to the air that he welcomed. He would watch the lights of the cars zipped round the roads, the flickering of a neon sign that was too far away to read; taking in all the bright sparkling lights with a smile of his face.
There was no smile right now. Spoole was sat in his normal spot, watching the lights but they weren’t bringing him the comfort he was so desperately seeking on this roof. The roof where 2 floors below Adam was fighting for his life while the fake ah crew’s doctor, Caleb, was working on him with Peake assisting him.
Everything had been going so right, this heist was their biggest yet. The infiltration of the bank had been successful. Bruce and James had the hostages under control. Kovic and Lawrence were working on opening the vault door with Elyse covering them. Peake had the was waiting to pick off any cop that got too close to the bank door while Joel and Spoole were their eyes and ears for extra police activity and ready to call in Patillo and Jones for the extraction. The Fake ah crew/Funhaus alliance was going well since it’s beginning 6 months ago and they had been eager to help out on this heist that would surely let Los Santos know that Funhaus were not just some chaotic wannabes. Their price for the assistance wasn’t steep, Geoff more than happy to help out on what he thought was a spectacular plan. He had been waiting for Funhaus to pulled something to this scale.
Spoole exhaled a long breathe, trying to steady the shaking hands in his lap. He came up here to calm down but all he could focus on was Adam’s pale face. Spoole had seen a lot of shit while being in this crew even though he wasn’t on the front lines much but the sight of Adam with blood dripping from his side, face pale, eyes glassy and his breathing ragged and uneven haunted him. Every time he closed his eyes he could see the image and it brought a lump to his throat and a shake to his hands.
One minute everything was fine and the next it was chaos. Screaming and shouting was the only thing heard through the earpieces. Several Swat vans hurtled to a stop in front of the bank and they barged it. They hadn’t accounted for the quick response of the LSPD calling in the heavy guns and they paid the price for it. Joel and Spoole sat in the unmarked van horrified as Lawrence starting shouting about Adam being shot. Joel’s face immediately lost colour and they could hear Bruce shouting about retreating as gunfire exploded on the radio channel. In the end it was Patillo who jumped into action. Shouting orders to everyone, telling the guys in the bank the best way to get out safely, instructing Peake to pick off as many of the officers as he could before they got a hold on his position and telling Jones to call Caleb to the Funhaus apartment. Somehow they all made it out, lost the police and got back to the apartment where Caleb was already waiting outside. Spoole, Joel and Peake were the first ones back considering the LSPD had no idea about them being there and let him in so he could set up in the guest room. Then the others arrived. James bursting in with Adam slung around his and Bruce’s shoulders. They carried him to the guest room and were pushed out by Caleb. Bruce started shouting at him but Jack put his hands on his shoulders and moved him away. James just slunk down the wall opposite the bedroom door, Adam’s blood coating the side of his shirt. And that’s when Spoole left, ran to his safe spot.
He felt a single tear roll down his face but did nothing about it, letting it chill against his cheek as he stared out to the lights. He couldn’t think about it anymore, didn’t want to. He tried so hard to tell himself that everything was going to be fine but thoughts of what would happen if they weren’t invading his head, making him feel sick at the thought of the crew without Adam. There wouldn’t even be a crew without Adam, there couldn’t be. They needed him, he needed him. How could he cope without Adam wrapping his arms around him while he worked under the hood of a car? How could he cope without hearing Adam laugh at Bruce and James playing video games together? Without listening to him and Lawrence have long discussions about new tech, watching him smile sweetly at Joel’s show tunes? Not seeing him calm down immediately from stress every time Matt place his hand on his shoulder, not see him sigh contently while Elyse ran her fingers through his hair. They couldn’t survive without him. The tears were flowing freely now, leaving their salty trails on his face but he didn’t care. He was too tired to care.
The sound of the door to the roof grounded him back to reality as he heard footsteps coming towards him.
“I knew I would find you up here.” The gentle voice washed over him, as Lawrence crouched down to join him. Sean didn’t turn to face him, just stared forward towards the city. Lawrence didn’t say anything more for a while, just sat with him. The tears slowly dried up as Spoole felt himself sink into the warm feeling of having Lawrence by his side. Gradually he leant into Lawrence’s side, letting him take on his weight.
After some minutes Spoole spoke, barely a whisper into the wind.
“What if we lose him?” Lawrence didn’t say anything, just grabbed Sean’s hand, intertwining their fingers. He sighed deeply. They sat there just soaking up the little comfort they could give each other. Sean knew why he didn’t say anything. Lawrence was the logical one and logic would say that it’s always a possibility that any of them could die. That they lived a dangerous life and this was the cost of it. Lawrence was completely aware that Adam could very well die but he didn’t want to say it outloud, didn’t want to upset Spoole and so he keep his mouth shut. It was okay though, Spoole knew that, Spoole knows the way Lawrence thinks.
Spoole didn’t need him to say anything either. Lawrence was like a solid weight next to him, keeping him from slipping into thoughts of the worst as he concentrated on the feeling of a thumb stroking the top of his hand, the gentle breaths from the other and way he could feel the warmth where their bodies touched. There wasn’t much either of them could say to each other in this moment that would give much comfort but they could give each other their presence and that would be enough for now.
They stayed on the roof for what seemed like hours, watching the lights of the city blink and sparkle. Lawrence shifted slightly and turned to place a gentle kiss on the hat on his head. Spoole lifted his head up slightly to give him a miniscule smile, it was all he could manage right now. Lawrence couldn’t even return it but capture his lips in a sweet kiss. Spoole sighed shakingly into the kiss, it was chaste and soft but it somewhat helped ease his brain even if it was only for a few moments.
“Let’s go back down stairs Sean.” Spoole stiffened at the suggestion, could he handle being there in that room surrounded by the anxious crew members? Surrounded by a sight that would only serve as a reminder of how hard this had hit them, of how involved they all were. Lawrence squeezed his hand, thumb rubbing a steady circle into his hand.
Slowly Spoole nodded. They slowly made their way back down the stairs, hands still entwined. Spoole took a few deep breaths on the way, trying to steel himself. It was bad enough to have to deal with Adam being hurt but to deal with that and seeing the other members of the crew fighting to keep it together, to see them scared and worried was just something that caused Spoole’s heart to ache more. Lawrence gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as they entered the apartment.
Predictably everyone was some form of a mess, it was evident that there had been no news on Adam’s status from the way Joel was pacing, Bruce watching him half concerned, half irritated with his hands clench so hard into a fist that his knuckles were white. A quick glance confirmed that James hadn’t left his spot from opposite the bedroom door, still covered in Adam’s blood, a mug of something that seemed to be untouched next to him on the floor. A mug Spoole presumed came from Patillo who had taken place in the kitchen with Jones and Elyse who had her hands wrapped round a mug, steam rolling off it gently into the air.
Hearing their arrival Elyse turned towards them. She was the only one, not as wrapped up inside her own head as the rest of them. She outstretched one arm, beckoning him. Lawrence let him go as he walked towards Joel. Spoole leant into Elyse’s one armed embrace, turning his head into the crook of her neck.
“Tea?” Spoole nodded at her question, not trusted himself to not break down if he opened his mouth. Jack busied himself with boiling the kettle again and preparing Spoole’s tea.
“He takes three sugars.” Spoole squeezed Elyse a bit harder in a silent thank you. She dropped a kiss to his head. He turned away from her neck to look across the room. Joel was still pacing, Lawrence now watching him a few feet away, arms crossed. Joel looked down at the floor as he paced, his nails between his teeth.
“Joel.” Lawrence spoke quietly but confidently. Joel didn’t stop, didn’t acknowledge the fact that he had heard Lawrence speak. “Joel.” Spoken with more force this time. Joel paused and looked up at Lawrence. Spoole could see from his spot next to Elyse that his eyes were red from tears.
“No. Lawrence. I will not sit down, I will not stop. I will keep pacing until we hear some news, I will pace for as long as I fucking want so don’t fucking ask me to stop.” Joel spat out. He continued his path of pacing, Bruce looked to Lawrence, lips pressed tightly against each other. Lawrence didn’t say anything but moved into the path. Joel stopped just in front of him, glaring at him.
“It’s okay Joel.”
“Okay? Okay? How is this fucking okay Lawrence? Adam could be bleeding out in the next room for all we know and you’re telling me it’s okay. Nothing about this is fucking okay! I should have notice, I should have noticed the call for SWAT, warned you guys. This is my fault. I missed something, how could I have missed it? How? If I had just paid more attention, listened better maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” Joel ranted and ranted, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. Lawrence circled his arms around the man but he fought against it. “No fucking let go of me, Lawrence!” Lawrence didn’t relent, just held Joel close to him, ignored to pushes and punches to his chest. The room was tense as they watched the scene unfold in front of them. Spoole felt Elyse tense up next to him.
Spoole had gone through the same thoughts in his head, he had been in the van with Joel. They were suppose to be the support and they had failed. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. Joel’s struggle had subsided, his weak voice still pleading with Lawrence to let him go but his body was limp, the fight leaving him. The room echoed with the sound of Joel finally letting all his emotions free, hiccups and sniffles as Lawrence brought them to the sofa to sit down. Elyse relaxed slightly, now the worst of it was over.
It stayed like that for a while Elyse and Spoole at the counter in the kitchen, Joel and Lawrence on the sofa and Bruce who had lost Joel to focus on was now glancing over to where James sat unmoving opposite the door. Jack and Michael had a hush conversation in the hallway by the door. Michael saying a brief goodbye to anyone who was listening. Only Elyse seemed put together enough to return his farewell, thanking him for his help. Spoole looked questioningly at Jack.
“He gone to report on the situation to Geoff.” Spoole nodded again but Jack seemed to understand his inability to speak.
It seemed like hours before they had any news. Spoole heard the commotion of James standing up and knocking the mug over before he saw Peake’s tired face and body walk through to the living room.
“He’s going to be fine. Caleb’s just finishing up.” Spoole felt a tear of relief roll down his face. The collective sigh that escaped his crew was music to his ears. It felt like a century of tension was released. Peake semi collapsed on the sofa, head back staring at the ceiling. Spoole resisted the urge to run to him and hold him knowing that with Jack still there is would just make him uncomfortable. Lawrence reached over and gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder which Peake smiled at him gratefully for.
It had been 3 days. 3 days since Adam had gotten shot. The bullet lodged itself in one of his ribs, cracking it and Caleb had to open him up a bit to retrieve the bullet. He was recovering well, Peake keeping an eye on him, redressing the rooms accordingly and making sure he had pain medication when he wanted it. Frustratingly Adam hated being on pain medication so was refusing to take it unless the pain was really unbearable or Lawrence argued with him logically that he needed to take it but Adam was stubborn. It had also been 3 days since Spoole had seen him.
Spoole was avoiding him, there was no two ways about it. He knew that he shouldn't be, that Adam had been asking after him but he never went to the guest room Adam was still occupying. He could feel they way everyone was watching him, how they were holding themselves back from mentioning it. He felt himself withdraw from the others, spending more and more time away from the apartment, in the garage working on the cars late into the night. He didn’t want them to call him out on his behaviour, behaviour he was fully aware was stupid but he couldn’t help it. He was scared.
Scared of seeing someone he viewed as such a strong force, an unstoppable being who represented so much to Spoole that seeing him battered and broken in a bed was stopping him from reaching out to him. This wasn’t new, they got injured all the time but this was the worse anyone had gotten in a long time and Spoole resorted back to hiding away, ignoring it like he always did. He had overheard the others talking about Adam’s condition and that only fueled the fear. He was recovering yes but he was a long way off. Breathing was difficult and painful for him due to the damaged rib, the bandages restricted his movement and according to Joel he would cry out in pain every time he tried to move too much. Spoole couldn’t handle it, handle seeing his leader so hurt like that. He knew it was selfish but he couldn’t fight past this mental block in his head. It frustrated him that he was like this, so weak, so emotionally invested in another human that it prevented him from doing the normal decent thing of just seeing Adam, being there for him.
In the end it was Peake that finally ‘snapped’, not that you could really consider it snapping. Spoole knew the others had been close from the way Bruce would open his mouth to say something when Adam was mentioned and Spoole spaced out, the way Elyse would try and get him to take Adam’s dinner through to him and when he declined he would see how she and Joel would share a worried look. James had been the closest to given in when Spoole turned down Lawrence’s offer of watching a movie with Adam in the guest room. A disappointed ‘for fuck’s sake’ uttered from his lips had Spoole retreating to the roof for a solid hour before James could say any more on the matter.
Peake stood in the doorway of the garage, watching Spoole work silently on James’ motorbike. It had been making a weird noise since last week and Spoole was trying to find the source to no avail. He chucked the wrench across the workbench in frustration.
“Take a break Sean.” He gripped the edge of the bench tightly. The tone of Matt’s voice was slightly unsettling, it was Matt’s ‘we need to have a serious talk about your behaviour’ tone. A tone that you never wished to have used on you. Spoole didn’t turn around as he heard Peake’s footsteps coming towards him.
“I have to work.”
“No you don’t. James barely uses that thing anyway, he can wait for it to be fixed. The only reason you’re fixing now is because you worked on all our regular vehicles and are running out of things to do down here.” He was right of course, because not working down here meant being upstairs in the apartment, hating himself for not seeing Adam, being around everyone else judging him for not seeing Adam. But he didn’t voice any of that to Matt.
“Might as well do it now though.” He heard Peake sigh gently.
“Sean you need to go see him.”
“I know.” He whispered into the cold air of the garage.
“Then just go.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can.” Peake reached his arms out and forcefully turned Spoole to face him. “I know you’re scared, I know you don’t want to see him like that but he’s still Adam, nothing has changed because he’s injured. Nothing has changed Sean. He’s fine. He’s going to heal and he’s going to be the same stubborn ass that he was before and is right now.”
Spoole chewed on his bottom lips, eyes downcast towards the ground.
“But what if he hates me, what if he’s mad.”
“Why would he be mad? Because you avoiding him? He’s upset Spoole he hasn’t seen you and he thinks he did something wrong.” That hit Spoole in the heart. How could Adam think that he had done something, that this was his fault.
“Because I should have stopped this. I should had picked up on the SWAT call in.” He quietly spoke to the tiles on the floor. He didn’t see how Matt’s eyes softened, the arms holding his shoulders circled around him and brought him into a strong chest. It was stable, being held by Matt like this. His arms warm and comforting. Matt was always a symbol of stability, his ever calm demeanor settle his nerves, his anxieties and right now even though he felt undeserving of such stability, such comfort he allowed himself to soak it up.
“Sean. I’m going to tell you what Lawrence told Joel. There was no way you could have picked up on the call.” Spoole looked up into Matt’s face. “Lawrence listened over the recordings and there was never a call in, it was a set up, the LSPD and SWAT already knew we were coming, there was a tip off. They were ready to attack before we even arrived at the bank.”
“What, how? Who?”
“Lawrence is working on it, Ramsey has some of his hacker team working on it as well.” Spoole could feel the anxiety leak from his bones at Matt’s words. It wasn’t his fault. The leak was worrying but that wasn’t his department. He would let Bruce and Lawrence worry about that. Matt placed his hand on Spoole’s cheek, his thumb gently grazing his skin. He gently placed his lips to his in a chaste but reassuring kiss. “Go see him Spoole, he misses you.” Sean sighed and nodded lightly.
He was standing at the doorway. His hand poised and ready to knock but he was frozen there. Despite Peake’s reassuring words, despite the look of sheer relief Joel had sent him as Spoole walked towards the guest room he still was nervous, scared. He took a deep breath and knocked twice. It wasn’t a loud knock, hesitant. The movement reflecting his emotions. A soft ‘come in’ and Spoole took a few seconds longer to respond than could be considered a normal reaction time.
The sunlight was low in the room, slowly spread across the expanse of the bed where Adam was propped up against about 4 pillows with his laptop perched on his lap. He smiled gently, if not kind of tiredly at Spoole as he stepped in the room and closed the door behind him. Spoole doesn’t venture any further into the room, standing by the door, hands anxiously playing with the sleeves of his jacket. Adam softly closed the lid to his laptop, putting the device to the side. What ever he was doing on there being abandoned in favour of giving Spoole his full attention.
He stood in silence for a while, no words forming in Spoole’s brain for him to speak to Adam. No words of comfort, no apology for avoiding him. He had nothing, a mental blank. He had made it this far and it was all falling apart. Adam , God bless Adam Kovic in that moment because after Spoole’s failure to offer any form of conversation he gently patted next to him of the bed.
“Come here Spoole.” Spoole obliged, albeit slowly. Crossed the space to the bed and sat down on in the empty space, opposite the side Adam was injured on. Spoole sat awkwardly, unsure of how to act right now, he was way out of his comfort level. Adam chuckled lightly and beckoned him to sit up next to him. He snaked an arm around Spoole’s shoulder, drawing him closer. “It’s okay you’re not going to hurt me on this side.” Spoole allowed himself to sink into Adam’s body, lean against him. A quiet but persistent voice in the back of his mind whispered about him not deserving this, he shouldn’t be allowed to touch this man but he ignored it, squashed it down. His need to be close to Adam, to feel his living, breathing body next to him winning out over his insecurities.
They sat like that for a while, thoughts of what to say to the man next to him whirling around Sean’s head while Adam gently carding his fingers through his hair, hat discarded at the bottom of the bed. He want to apologise, wanted to tell Adam how glad he was that he was alive, that he was still here, with them but he had never been the most eloquent of people. Adam knew that, seemed to understand that he was struggling with speech right now and patiently waited. He didn’t force him to talk and not that Spoole knew but he was perfectly content to just sit here, together in a comfortable silence.
“Adam.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.” Spoole wasn’t sure if he was apologising for not coming to see him, not being able to say anything when he finally did come or both. He did know that he needed to say it.
“It’s okay.” Was it though? Was it okay that he avoided his boyfriend because he was too scared to see him hurt like this? Was it okay that he subsequently avoided his other partners to save himself the hassle of a lecture? To save himself from the judging of the ridiculously selfish act he had indulged himself in these past few days? How could Adam be okay with that? How could Adam be so relaxed about it when Spoole was a ball of anxiety and fear over it?
“Spoole calm down.” Spoole hadn’t even noticed that his hands had begun to shake, that his lungs were struggling to receive the air he needed because his breathing was shallow and quick. “Just breathe okay, it’s okay, I’m okay. We’re all okay.” Spoole focused his effort on regaining his breathing, counting to 10 in his head while Adam whispered comforting, encouraging words to bring him back from the edge of a panic attack. Once he had calmed down he apologised once again.
“You need to stop apologising.” Spoole could not understand his casualness right now but was thankful for it. Adam brought Spoole closer to him, wrapping a strong arm around his waist. “I get it. I get way it was so hard for you to come see me. It can be difficult seeing someone you care about so much hurt. It fucking sucks. Trust me when I say this though, I used to be much worse than you.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah, back when me and Bruce first started this thing years and years ago I used to throw myself in front of everything. Sacrifice myself just so I wouldn’t have to see Bruce get hurt, to save him from the danger. It pissed him off every time. And when he did get hurt I was a mess. I forgot how to function, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t sleep. I used to make excuses for us not to do jobs for weeks afterwards until he shouted at me, forcing me to work.”
“How did you get better? How did you stop yourself from reacting like that?”
“I don’t know really. I guess I realised I couldn’t afford to do that anymore, especially when we started an actual crew, when we become more than Bruce and Adam. There are more people relying on me now, I have to be strong for you guys. You’re still young Sean, it won’t get any easier. I wish I could tell you that but it’s still as hard as it was all those years ago but you learn how to deal with it. You gain knowledge and experience. You know we are all here for you, we are lucky enough to be in a crew where it’s more than just a job. We are a family.”
Spoole let Adam words sink in. He let them wash over him, quelling the raging storm inside his head. He smiled up at Adam, gave his a light kiss.
“Thanks Adam.”
“No problem Spoole. By the way now that you are here you do realise you’re not allowed to leave. You staying here.”
“I think I’m okay with that.”
It wasn’t long before the sun completely set, casting the room into darkness only broken up by the far of lights visible through the gap in the curtains. It wasn’t until that moment that Spoole realised how tired he was, the past 3 days catching up to him, all the lack of sleep, the worrying and he when he tried and failed to stifle a yawn Adam shifted them slowly to laying down. Spoole immediately curling up against his good side. He watched his lights flicker and glow from across Adam’s chest, finally feeling the comfort he usually found it them. He let his heavy eyelids close, faint vision of the lights dancing behind his eyelids as he slipped into a peaceful slumber.
Adam smiled as soft snores filled the room, he glanced down at his youngest partner. It was moments like this when Adam realised just how young Spoole was. It was easy to forget his lack of experience when he racing away from the cops, all smiles and giggles. Expertly cutting down alleyways to lose them. His normally easygoing and carefree attitude like a shining beacon in an otherwise dangerous lifestyle. He would make sure to have a quiet word with Bruce about this. Let Bruce help Sean just as he helped Adam. It didn’t take long for Adam to follow Spoole into sleep. He fell asleep to the sound of Spoole snores and the scent of his hair.
When Joel snuck into the room a couple of hours later to check on the two of them he couldn’t help to warm smile that graced his lips. He also couldn’t resisting snapping a quick picture to send to the others. They had all been worried about Spoole and this would give the others proof that everything was okay. Everything was normal again.