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Banners are strung up high, and balloons form an elaborate arch framing the patio doors, there is party food on paper plates and sparkling wine in stemmed glasses cupped in hands while chatter, laughter and a carefully curated playlist fill the air.
Even so, all Eddie can think about is when it would be appropriate to leave.
He is uncomfortable. Which is odd—not because he wasn’t used to feeling a little too big for his skin, or because ease was his normal setting—but because he wasn’t used to feeling uncomfortable with these people.
They were his people. His family.
He’d been filtering around for over two hours avoiding conversation, and trying to blend into the walls. He’s just feeling a little overwhelmed right now, like he’s undercover, hoarding a huge secret that could change the course of his life.
Well, that’s probably… sort of the truth actually.
And he’s worried that if he stands maybe a little too straight, or he holds himself a little too rigid, or he doesn’t breathe just right, then everyone will know—or maybe they already know and it will give them a reason to bring it up.
They probably know, Abuela apparently just knew, Adriana just knew. His cards will be on the table and everyone will see what he’s trying to keep to himself, so… to the corner he goes.
He would like it to be known that this is all his Abuela's fault.
No, it’s all Bucks fault.
Actually, it’s probably his own damn fault.
It started only 8 days ago.
Well… no, that’s also a lie.
It probably started thirty-two years ago when he was born, or seven years ago when he joined the 118 and met Evan Buckley, or even nine months ago when Buck started dating Tommy.
But for his own sanity, he’s going to blame his trip back home to El Paso for all of this.
He flew to Texas on the 23rd, his parents and himself having issued a ceasefire in the weeks before. He knew he’d have to tread carefully, but he wasn’t all that nervous about seeing them, he was too happy to care, he was going to celebrate Christmas and finally bring his son home.
He’d had an ordinary day, an ordinary shift with ordinary calls, and ordinary banter—there were chores and meals and rest.
Buck was pouting, which was also sort of an ordinary occurrence, and Eddie knew it was because he wasn’t coming to collect Christopher with him.
He knew because Buck was very vocal that that was the reason he was pouting.
Buck was upset that he’d be spending Christmas with The Buckley-Hans, and not with The Diazes, and he was letting everyone know it.
“You sure I can’t come, I bet I can get Bobby to give me the time off” Buck had said earnestly for the hundredth time, his eyes going doey and soft. “I should be there for you”
And Eddie melted. Although it was getting a little tiresome to keep having to reject Bucks offers, he just found the whole thing cute.
He found his best friend… cute.
He found his best friend— who was a six foot two, thirty-two year old firefighter with thighs that could crush a watermelon— cute?
It wasn’t exactly a surprise. Eddie had been having some frankly sobering thoughts regarding his sexuality as of late, and boy was that a rollercoaster.
He just hadn’t connected any of that to Buck.
But in that moment where Buck’s brows had furrowed, and his lip had— swear to god—petted, all Eddie could think was fucking duh?
Of course he’s attracted to Buck, of course he thinks Buck is cute, of course he loves Buck. It made everything make more sense, like he’d just woken up and everything had been hazy, and a little blurry, but now he’s had his coffee, and done his stretches, and his sight is 20/20 again.
And Eddie loves Buck.
Sure. Of course.
One problem.
Buck was going to drive him insane. Buck had continued his little pouty act for the rest of the shift and once Eddie knew… Eddie knew.
And he was finding it extremely hard to ignore.
Eddie wanted his cute best friend.
His cute, hot best friend.
Because Eddie is probably repressed, and perhaps a little in denial, but he wasn’t blind. And the fact that Buck was hot wasn’t lost on him, and the fact that he was apparently cute now too just seemed to make him hotter and somehow cuter.
It was a vicious circle that was going to drive Eddie insane.
He wanted to claim his territory, to brush against him like a big dog marking his scent on what was his.
See this giant bisexual idiot with the pink pouty lips, and pretty face, and the arms that could maybe lift a car… he’s mine!
Eddie knew that Buck wasn’t just acting all sad and dejected because he wasn’t getting the Christmas he wanted. He knew it was because Buck cared about Eddie, and that just made the whole ‘YOU ARE CLEARLY IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’ thing even harder.
Eddie knew that Buck was protective, that he wanted to come and be his very visually intimidating but pretty harmless bodyguard, to protect Eddie from his parents biting comments, and continuous parenting recommendations.
And he got it.
Truthfully Eddie wanted Buck to come with him too. And not because he’s now realised that he doesn’t see Buck as just a friend, and not for protection either— because contrary to Buck's belief his parents weren’t that bad, or maybe it’s just that their opinions didn’t cut as deep as they once did— but because Eddie just wanted Buck with him always.
However he could have him, Eddie would take him.
God, how did he not realise how he felt, when he’s saying shit like that.
But Eddie knew he had to do this alone. He had to get on the plane, and make it to his parent’s house, and stand in front of his son and thank him for his forgiveness alone.
The road to forgiveness with Christopher had been a long one, one that Eddie wasn’t sure he would ever see the end of— but his son had asked him to come for Christmas, and when Eddie went home, to come home with him.
Christopher had explained that he forgave him, and that they could only repair the trust that was broken when they were back together. His kid was ready to build again with his father.
Eddie had gone to Bobby immediately, and he had signed off on the leave before Eddie had even finished request. A full week off at Christmas time while being a firefighter was his first Christmas miracle.
Of course when his parents had found out they hadn’t been thrilled, they thought Christopher was excelling with them. Christopher had joined clubs and made friends, he’d even put up a poster or two around his room at their house. He was happy in El Paso, but it just wasn’t where he belonged.
Because Eddie’s son belonged with Eddie, in his small two bedroom bungalow on South Bedford street, and that was where he was now.
Well not right now… right now he was at a sleepover with his three best friends who he hadn’t seen in six months, which meant they had a lot to catch up on. Eddie wasn’t sure what that meant considering from what his Mom would report to him, Chris hadn’t stopped talking to his friends during his time in El Paso but he wasn’t going to argue the kid out of bringing in the new year with his friends, seeing as that’s exactly what Eddie was doing tonight if he stopped ignoring everyone.
Which leads him back to feeling uncomfortable.
It’s just that when he was in El Paso, so was his younger sister, and his abuela. And with thoughts of being not straight, and being in love with his best friend swirling around his mind, his time in his hometown had been… confronting.
It was a full Diaz family Christmas. There hadn't been any arguments (which was the second Christmas miracle), or incidents, but there had been Mass.
Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve was a tradition that Eddie had been happy to end when he moved to Los Angeles, but he wasn’t in Los Angeles this time, and he was trying to keep the peace. So he wore a pressed shirt and shiny shoes and joined his family for readings and hymns and stuck to his Abuela's side like he did when he was a child.
He still remembers being five years old, standing next to her during Mass, the top his head barely at her waist, a small fist holding her skirt as they stood in the pews and gave thanks to God and sang about his power and light.
It still makes his stomach clench as an adult, especially in light of some of the truths that Eddie was still trying to understand about himself as of late.
Did God know he wanted to fuck his best friend?
He doesn’t think there is a prayer for that, not even a million Our Fathers would abolish all his very not straight thoughts about Buck.
During the Mass, Eddie found himself wondering if even when he was a little boy he’d stayed close to Abuela because he knew she didn’t truly believe the same way her son did.
Whereas Ramon Diaz was a devout Catholic, who would quote bible phrases in arguments, and prayed before meals and going to bed and attended church every Sunday— his mother’s views were very different.
Isabel Diaz was a faithful woman but not very religious, she believed in a higher power, in ghosts and spirits and an afterlife of light and gentleness— but not the Catholic teachings that often spewed hate and made everything a sin.
For her, Mass was personal thing, and prayer was for when she felt like speaking to God.
It was a want; not a necessity for a good life.
Which is how he found himself on the 26th, sitting around the little table in his grandmother's kitchen next to his sister Adriana, hiding from attending Church.
One stifling Texan Mass was enough for them all.
Tea was drunk and gingerbread eaten, the conversation ebbed and flowed with ease. They discussed Adriana's new first ever paying job in publishing, and the knee knocking wonder of getting her first dip into real world after college. They discussed abuelas new book club, and how she thinks the leader Bonnie Sanchez doesn’t actually read the book, and how now that she’s has moved back to El Paso she misses his tia Pepa back in California.
And then they talk about Eddie’s life (they thankfully skate over Christopher’s absence from his home for the last six months), but that leads to his grandmother’s favourite topic.
“So, are you planning on giving me no more great-grand babies?” Her voice was dripping in expectation, but somehow it was his Abuelas hands that portrayed the most offence, moving and falling to the table in an elegant swish.
Almost as if her hands are saying what she really wants to say, ‘Hm, Edmundo, yet another failed relationship with no happily ever after? Why can’t you keep a relationship? You meet all these lovely women and you try so hard but not matter how much you wish you could you just can’t love them.’
Oh Abuela. If only you knew.
“I’m just not looking to date right now Abuela,” He replied. Try as he might, he knows he sounds petulant (he thankfully refrained from taking a leaf out of Bucks book and keeps his lip from pouting), he always does with the topic of dating. Eddie has been set up on one to many dates with the “nice daughter of my friends, cousin's hairdresser” for it to not get a little tiring.
“And what about sweet Buck?” Abuela had asked. She has always had a soft spot for Buck.
“What about him?” Even though thoughts of Buck had been doing laps in Eddie’s mind the last few days, he doesn’t see why Abuela would be bringing him up now.
“Why not date him?”
Now, if he’d been sipping his tea in that moment, he’s sure he would have spat it all over the table, alas it was Adriana who was mid-sip, and splutters Eddie with a soft spray of camomile.
Eddie had reached over and patted Adriana’s back, but she pushed him away grabbing a napkin and dabbing her mouth. Eddie fell back into his seat with a resigned thud, as his grandmother's words finally hit him square in the face.
What about Buck?
Why not date him?
“I’m straight,” Eddie had whispered, staring at his hands clasped in front of him on the kitchen table.
You smell that? Your pants are on fire Edmundo.
His mind skips back to months ago, when he last confirmed his sexuality out loud. He had said it to a priest of all people, in the al fresco seating area of a juice bar he had wanted to try for a while. He had told Father Brian he was straight, the words slipping off his tongue with ease.
Eddie remembers he had been proud of how confident he had sounded as he said it.
When he thought of the memory at his grandmothers kitchen table, he realises how notably not straight, being proud of yourself for sounding confident when saying you are straight truly is.
He’s not sure Father Brian believed him anyway. He told Eddie that he didn’t allow himself joy, used a frankly revolutionary metaphor involving juice, and he had been absolutely right. Eddie had been driving past the new juice place for months, until the new juice place wasn’t so new anymore. When Eddie had finally gone after a long shift and a bottle of pressed orange, mango and passion fruit juice would have been fantastic, he’d bought a bottle of water after putting the beverage he really wanted back.
Adriana, who had recovered from nearly aspirating on tea, just curled an eyebrow at him.
But Abuela scoffed, loud and impatient. “So not only no more great grandchildren, but no grandson-in-law for the foreseeable future too?” She stood up with a huff, to begin faffing with something on the kitchen counter.
Eddie felt chastised.
He felt small and seen in a way he didn’t want to be, he wasn’t ready to be.
Is it really that obvious to everyone around him? How long had they known? Did his parents know? The 118? Buck? How was it obvious to them when it wasn’t obvious to him? How had he not seen this part of him that others had?
Eddie hadn’t ever thought about it, not until Buck had told him he’d been on a date with Tommy, and he’d blown his life to pieces with a doppelgänger of his dead wife and traumatised his teenage son.
Not until he took a step back, and realised that most of his actions were in retaliation to Buck now dating men and trying to find forgiveness from Not-Shannon, and not another chance to do it right with her.
Not until he experimented with allowing himself joy— he danced around in his underwear; ate ice cream from the tub; ordered himself a new pair of sneakers he wanted just because he could.
Not until late at night when he let his hands explore his body in new ways that he had never thought he’d enjoy, until he was whining and arching and coming to thoughts of strong muscles and solid lines, to stubble pressed to his skin and deep moans.
Eddie knew what and who he was now, he was exploring the truths of himself slowly, he was coming to terms with the new and letting go of the past.
He just didn’t realise until he sat at his Abuela’s old oak kitchen table, with dents and scuffs from meals long gone and paint that just won’t come off from way back when he was child… that anyone else knew.
A delicate hand touched his arm and when he looked up, a gentle smile was upon his sister's face. When he looked at her, he wondered when she’d gotten so grown up. Gone were her round rosy cheeks and wide eyed wonder, replaced with a steady set to her jaw and a mature demeanour; she held herself like grown up, not his silly kid sister. Her head had tilted a little to left, her eyes were fond and knowing, “It’s okay.”
And Eddie let out a breath, one that felt like more than just a means to keep breathing. It felt like the end of an old life, and the beginning of a new one as he uttered the words, “I’m gay.”
And now here he is uncomfortable and lost in thoughts of his best friend. It’s not that his coming out— or ‘coming to terms with’ which he thinks is a better turn of phrase for his particular place in his journey right now— is about Buck.
But it also is all about Buck at the same time.
Without Buck, Eddie might as well just stay firmly in his apparently glass closet.
Abuela and Adriana had given him a peek outside and frankly… Eddie is terrified.
He knows that being authentic and living his truth, and blah blah blah is important, but Eddie wasn’t lying to his Abuela when he said that he wasn’t looking to date.
If it isn’t Buck, then it isn’t anyone.
Eddie is a coward, he hates to admit to himself. He isn't exaggerating when he says that he is completely head over heels in love with his best friend, because if he wasn’t Eddie thinks he’d just keep his new confessions all to himself.
He can be gay in peace on his own.
But he is in love with Buck, and so he can’t, because the thing is… Eddie thinks that Buck might actually, really love him back… maybe?
Okay, so he isn’t 100% sure but sometimes, when Buck looks at him Eddie feels loved. Like Buck is actually capable of making his love a solid thing, with weight and density and he can place it around Eddie’s shoulders like a cloak of Evan Buckley’s devotion, and Eddie feels warm and at peace.
The first problem with being in love with your best friend (who may love you back), who doesn’t know that you’re even an option— is that it means you have to make yourself an option, and the only way Eddie can be an option, is by telling said best friend he is an option.
And the Buckley-Han New Year’s party probably isn’t the time for The Big Gay Reveal™, queue jazz hands and confetti.
The second problem is that Eddie has done one twenty-four hour shift since he returned to home with his kid and the knowledge that he is in love with Buck, and Eddie doesn’t think he is strong enough to do another without blurting everything out at once.
Especially since Buck is now standing in the kitchen with Bobby is a tight short sleeved maroon button down, that is maybe Eddie’s third Christmas miracle (or was realising he loves Buck his third, he’s probably on miracle ten by now, seeing as he told his Abuela he is gay, and she’s hugged him and told him she was proud of him).
Anyway, back to the shirt, Eddie can now appreciate his best friends is fucking perfect, his arms and chest and face look so good, and Jesus Christ, he is so gay.
Eddie is standing on the patio, which has been set up with lights and more decorations than is probably necessary, but Eddie knows that Chim loves party city so he won’t judge. He is alone, off to one side, feeling like a creeping creeper, drooling over his best friends refusal to buy shirts that fit him, and dissecting the way the sleeves of said shirt strains against his bicep making his arms look biteable.
He wants to stare at him forever, and lick him, and sniff him, and touch him… what’s the other sense? Oh, hearing, yeah he definitely wants to listen to him too.
Eddie always wants to listen to Buck, no matter what the subject, the time or place, he wants to hear Buck's voice and possibly make him moan his name too.
He’d have no problem listening to that for the rest of his life.
Okay, he retracts the not coming out if it wasn’t for Buck thing, because Eddie may not be able to keep a handle on the whole appreciating men thing under wraps now that he knows for sure.
New year, New me.
Gay and proud.
Okay, so it might be too soon for proud, maybe just gay and allowing himself joy, and he can work on being proud.
Maybe he’ll go to pride, paint a rainbow on his cheek, and wear a crop top like he’s seen online. Maybe he can get Buck to match. The soft skin of Buck's stomach, the cut V of his hips, the neat line of hair that trails down into his jeans— that's a thought he won’t be scrubbing from his mind anytime soon.
He is so fucking gay.
When he arrived, Eddie had opted for whatever alcoholic punch Maddie had pre-made in a big glass bowl on the counter in the kitchen, instead of wine or beer or Prosecco. It’s fruity and citrus and not something Eddie would usually go for; it’s accepting joy.
Suck it Father Brian.
He forces his eye away from Buck and they catch the attention of Hen and Karen who are looking at him with matching grins, they beckon him over to the table and chairs where they have settled. He slips in beside them with a little trepidation but relief at finding somewhere to ground himself, and stop being the only person in the audience to the, Evan Buckley one man show: Party edition.
“You know I really didn’t think we’d get you away from Chris tonight?” Karen says as he settles into his seat.
He takes another sip of his drink, he is realising that by glass three the punch is becoming a little tart in his mouth. “He ditched me,” Eddie admits, “Seems I am not cool enough to bring the new year in with him.”
“Same with Denny, I wouldn’t take it personally,” Hen admits. “My mom has the kids, and Denny has his friend over. They are having a… what did he call it?”
“A fortnight-athon, wasn’t the most imaginative name. Think they are just going to play Fortnite until they drop or Toni turns off the WiFi,” Karen explains with a grin, her hand landing on his forearm with a gentle squeeze.
In recent months he and Karen have gotten closer, after Denny’s accident at Halloween he reached out to check how she was doing, and they met up for coffee. They had quickly realised they were more wine night people, then they were coffee afternoon people, and then she introduced him to Frosé. And for that he will love her forever.
Their wine night is how Eddie knows, that since the accident they have been protective and hesitant about leaving Denny and Mara.
Eddie gets it, letting Chris go on his sleepover was hard too.
“He’s doing good, you should both enjoy yourselves,” Eddie reassures them, and leans back in his chair. Hen takes Karen’s hand, and brings it to her lips with a soft kiss.
Eddie looks in the opposites direction to give them a moment, a breath catching in his throat as he sneaks a glimpse of Buck. He’s bending over to grab a beer from the ice bucket in the middle of the kitchen island.
The denim stretched taut over his strong thighs… Have those jeans always been so tight on his ass?
He makes himself look back to Hen and Karen quickly, and sips his drink again, his face warming uncomfortably.
If Eddie didn’t know he was in love with Buck, the way he’s been horrifically objectifying him the last few days would have tipped him off eventually. Even in his own mind, he’s embarrassed at the sheer amount of fantasies that have been produced over the holidays—Buck in his bed, in his kitchen, in his truck, at the station of all places.
They're not even always sexual, sometimes he just likes to think about the way it would feel to lie his head against Buck’s chest.
The way it would be so different than with woman, his cheek nestled against Buck’s firm pec, so much more solid then the soft swell of a breast. His chest hair tickling his cheek…
Who knew chest hair did it for him?
Eddie knows that Buck smells good too, another random fact that seems to be driving him crazy. Eddie has seen the way that Buck is always buying new body washes he hasn’t tried before, when he spots them in the supermarket. And Eddie has seen the collection of different colognes he has in his bathroom. Buck also buys that stupid shampoo that has jojoba oil in it that is good for his curls, he remembers the research binge from when he began wearing his hair more naturally, and it smells heavenly even if it’s thirty dollars a bottle.
All this to say, Eddie has never been the type to get flustered over someone like this before, to notice every little detail.
Sure he can appreciate if someone is pretty, or if they cut a nice figure, but he’s never just openly ogled, or thought about the way he could benefit from someone bending over.
Maybe it’s because he has never been looking at what truly attracted him before, or maybe it really is just because it’s Buck.
That’s another thing he now realises, Eddie has always noticed Buck. It’s hard not to notice the fluid way his body moves when he walks, or the way his legs spread and flex when he’s sat in one position for too long.
It has always just been so easy to get lost in him.
“And what about you? Are you enjoying yourself?” Hen quirks, Eddie looks up at her and a little smirk pulls on to her lips.
He really loves Hen and Karen. They understand what raising a teenager is like, and he feels a bit of a kinship with them. Eddie hasn’t ever really been one to make lasting connections with Christopher’s friends parents, he’s friendly with them for sure, they text about plans and let each other know if they are on their way to drop off after Christopher has been at their house, but otherwise he keeps to himself. Especially now that Chris is getting older and making the plans himself, Eddie’s job as middle man is far and few between.
He wonders if Hen and Karen know?
Probably.
Hen always seems to know everyone’s business, and by extension so does Karen.
Would it be so bad to tell them?
An easy first coming out? Come out? What is the correct turn of phrase for this?
Peek a boo? I’m gay.
He should probably add that to his list of things to Google if he was really going to start telling people.
He knows Hen and Karen will be accepting, he knows they won’t judge, and they might even be proud of him. But is he ready for that?
The last few months have felt like he’s been tirelessly pushing a boulder up a hill that needs to be on the other side, and he finally got it to the top when he was sitting in his Abuela’s kitchen. He’s done the hard part, the exhausting part, and now all that’s left to do is to let it go, let the heavy boulder roll down to the bottom of the other side of the hill where it belongs.
Out and in the open.
“I’m gay.” His mouth catches up to his brain and his jaw falls open.
He didn’t actually mean to do that, he was still pro-conning his choices?!
Can he take it back? Is there a gay five second rule?
Chimney and Maddie’s New Year’s Eve party is not the place for this, he had already decided that!
He looks between Hen and Karen, and their matching shocked faces, and it seems they might agree that making this a coming out party isn’t the vibe.
He is so stupid.
And then Karen giggles,“Welcome to club.” She raises her glass of wine toward him, and he can’t help the laughter that bubbles up in his chest at the relief that they aren’t disappointed at his poor timing.
It’s freeing. He knocks his paper cup against her glass, and it feels more significant than any toast he’s ever raised.
“I’m proud of you, Eddie.” Hen’s smile is worth his slight mortification, and when she rises and hugs him it’s worth even more.
They are proud, maybe he should be too?
“Thank you,” He says, and looks down bashfully. He feels okay, it isn’t that scary. It didn’t end the world, it didn’t even disrupt the party.
The only people who know he just confessed his deepest secret, are the three of them; and his friends are smiling at him with pride.
He feels good.
Maybe even joyful?
“Didn’t want to go into the new year without spilling the beans?” Hen asks as she sits back down, and takes a big sip of her wine. Her eyebrows wiggling over the top of thick rimmed glasses, and he can feel his cheeks turning pink.
“I guess so,” He shrugs. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week and I think it just…” He trails off with a shake of his hand to find the right words.
“Came out?” Karen chortles with a snort, and then covers her mouth as the laugh turns bigger.
Eddie rolls his eyes and nods, his cheeks feel warm and he feels a little giddy, because he did.
He came out.
“Anyone else going to hear the news tonight? Someone who might be very interested in this information?” Hen asks, she leans in closer and her knowing eyebrow raises in expectation.
She’s aiming for a certain amount of subtlety, saying it without saying it, but it feels like she has bellowed Bucks name across the party, loud and thunderous.
Of course she knows.
Because if Eddie Diaz is gay, then of course Eddie Diaz is in love with Evan Buckley.
Because Eddie and Buck have never really made sense as best friends, and he sees that now. Best friends don’t act like them, don’t co-parent like them, don’t work together like them, don’t save each other like them.
But now just isn’t the time, coming out to two people tonight wasn’t planned, but it is more than enough for now. He’ll get there, he just needs a little more time.
“Not tonight,” He holds her eyes, steely and unwavering, and her smile softens. “But I will soon…” he takes a deep breath, “maybe.”
Hen frowns and looks at Karen, “You hear this? Maybe?”
Karen makes a show of rolling her eyes skyward, “Boy, why are you dragging this into another year? Go get your man, he’s there for the taking.” She dismisses him, and he can’t help the bust of laughter that tumbles out of his mouth, louder than before.
“He’s not my—“ Eddie’s explanation is cut off by a heavy hand on his shoulder that is still shaking from laughing. He turns his head to look up at a beaming grin and glistening pools of blue; Buck.
“What’s so funny?” Buck asks. He squeezes his shoulder once, and moves his hand away, taking the warmth with him.
Would it be weird to grab it and put it back?
“Got you a beer, figured three cups of Maddie’s New Year’s Eve punch is enough to turn your mouth gummy,” Buck places the beer on the table, and takes a seat beside him. Their knees knock together, and Eddie guesses it will have to do if he can’t have his hand back.
How would it feel to hold Buck's hand? To feel the fragile bones of his fingers wrapped around his own, the calluses on his fingertips stroking along his sensitive skin of his palm.
“Thank you,” Eddie says. He can feel his cheeks pinkening and his heart racing fast in his chest.
How has he managed to be around this man for seven years and act normally? When now he feels like he is losing his mind every time Buck so much as breathes near him?
“So, what are we laughing at?” Buck asks again, looking around the group and raising his beer to his lips. Eddie watches as Buck’s plump lips wrap around the top of the bottle, the bob of his throat as the liquid is swallowed.
Is drinking beer sexual?
Is Buck doing this on purpose?
Is it suddenly really hot out here?
He realises that he is staring, turning away fast, grabbing his own beer and taking a big gulp. He is decidedly unsexy when he does it. He tries to subtly clear his throat as the bubbles tickle going down, and pulls the bottle away with a cough.
“Nothings funny, just talking about the kids,” Eddie answers Buck's question with a shrug, licking the bitter drink from his top lip and he looks down. He runs his nail along the label of his beer, picking it away from the glass. He tries to keep from making eye contact with Karen and Hen, he doesn’t want to see their reactions to how odd he’s being right now.
He wonders if he looks as crazed as he feels.
“Oh, how was Chris before his sleepover?” Buck asks, clearly not picking up on Eddie’s distress. He crosses his arms and leans against the table, giving Eddie his full attention.
“He was good,” Eddie nods his head, his hair falls onto his forehead close to his eyes, he swipes it back with the back of his hand and bounces his knees against Bucks.
He feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.
This is crazy right?
He needs a moment to recalibrate.
“I need to go,” Eddie stands up abruptly, placing the bottle on the table. He catches Hens eye, noting the amusement painted on her face as he tucks his chair in.
“Go? Where?” Buck questions, his brows furrowing and nose scrunching cutely.
Damn it.
He looks concerned.
Which is Valid.
He’s concerned he’s losing it too.
“Restroom,” Eddie shouts back, as he’s already making his way back inside away from the table.
Jesus Christ.
What time is it? He looks at the clock on the wall as he makes his way through the kitchen, 11:30pm.
Only thirty minutes until 2025, and he can make his excuses and get out of here.
He needs to go home and shower, so he can think this through, and then think it through some more.
Eddie’s best thinking happens in the shower.
He finds the bathroom, luckily empty. There are more people here than he expected. He wasn’t aware Chimney and Maddie knew so many people.
He locks the door and leans back against it, the cold wood feels good against his back as he wills himself to chill the fuck out.
Being in love with your best friend is hard work.
How does anyone do it and survive?
He walks to the sink, and looks at himself in the mirror. His cheeks are pink but other than that he looks perfectly normal, no different than he normally looks.
Well, he thinks he looks normal. But in the last week, four people who know him well, have known he is gay just by looking at him. That doesn’t exactly make him trust his own opinion.
Does he look gay?
Eddie looks down at his outfit—black jeans, white t-shirt, denim jacket, his newly purchased joy seeking sneakers.
Are Nikes gay?
He was wearing them at Abuela’s too, he knew he should have stuck to his boots.
Note to self: No more wearing joy seeking shoes until he is out.
He places his hands against the sink, the cold porcelain pressing against his palms, and he hangs his head and sighs.
He needs one of those Queer Eye guys to tell him he’s worthy of love, and teach him how to make smashed avo on toast.
Being gay is hard.
He splashes his face with water and dabs it dry with a paper towel. He needs to man up, to stop looking at Bucks ass, and get his head in the game.
“You’ve got this,” He mutters to himself and unlocks the bathroom door. He walks back into the party and runs into Bobby in the hallway clearly making his own way to the bathroom.
Bobby gives him a quick once over and then frowns. “Are you okay, Eddie?” He asks.
Oh god, does he know his shoes are gay?
“Gay.” Eddie says.
“What?” Bobby steps back in alarm.
What the fuck is wrong with him?
“I’m…” Eddie frowns, and looks down at his shoes—he really doesn’t think that they are that bad.
“You’re…” Bobby leads and he’s smiling now, a soft kindness in his eyes that is so Bobby, and Eddie closes his own and lets out a sigh.
“Yes,” He says quietly, and he peeks his eyes open again to gauge his reaction.
“Good for you kid,” Bobby pats his shoulder firmly, it’s grounding, it’s helpful. “Twenty-twenty-five is going to be your year, you mark my words.”
He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about, then again Bobby always does, even if Eddie thinks he never takes Bobby’s advice for what it is.
Eddie feels tears well in his waterline.
How embarrassing.
But Bobby clearly doesn’t think so, he tuts pulling him in for a tight hug— it's firm and comforting, and he breathes out a light laugh rubbing at his wet eyes harshly and hugs him back. “I’m proud of you, Eddie,” Bobby says as he pulls away, patting his back once again.
“Thanks, Cap.”
“Does Buck…” Bobby trails off and all Eddie can think is, seriously?!
He has half a mind to drive to The Lee’s house and ask Jee-Yun if she knows about his big fat crush on her uncle.
“Working on it,” His reply is clipped, but not unkind, he is just not talking about this with his captain right now.
Bobby nods and smiles, “I’ll see you later, Eddie.” He moves past him toward the bathroom, one last pat left on his arm and Eddie is left alone in the hallway.
Okay.
Okay, this is fine.
Sure, this is not a problem.
Go to the bathroom, come out to his Captain on the way back though, it’s all fine.
He has gay Tourette’s and gay shoes, but everything is absolutely fine.
No need to worry that every time he opens his mouth a rainbow pours out like he’s a pot of fucking gold. He wouldn’t be surprised if a small green leprechaun popped out of thin air to guard him.
Eddie is sure Bobby will tell Athena in the next five minutes, so that's six people that know he wants to suck dick, but whatever this is totally cool.
He cannot risk the patio right now so the kitchen is his best bet, he grabs a beer from the bucket and finds Chimney and Maddie looking over the instructions of something.
“What are you doing?” Eddie asks, peering at the large piece of paper they are both frowning at.
“We bought this confetti cannon to go off at midnight, but it’s confusing.”” It’s as Chimney says it, that he notices the black machine plugged into the outlet on the counter.
“You guys really love celebrating the new year huh?” Eddie asks, as he sips his beer.
Really, an electric confetti cannon?
“It’s a rental,” Maddie grins. “I’ve always wanted one.”
“Cleaning up is going to be a disaster. But, come on, it’s so fun,” Chimney says as he slots a black cylinder into the machine. They all move around it to look at the cannon closer, it seems you fill it and then press a button on a hand held remote.
“Jee will be finding confetti in her cereal in March,” Eddie snorts. He remembers Christopher’s twelfth birthday, Eddie and Buck had woken Christopher with giant party poppers, a genius idea at the time but the clean up was a nightmare. A stray piece of red confetti found its way into his washing machine, leaving his nice white sheets with an annoying pink stain on them.
“See… fun,” Chimney pokes at a button in the machine. And who is Eddie to take someone else's joy, it’s not like he’ll be the one with a broom at the end of the night.
“Are you having a good night, Eddie?” Maddie asks, she grabs her drink and leans back on the counter.
“It’s been okay,” He shrugs, and copies her, leaning his back against the counter opposite her and gives a weak smile.
“You missing Chris, it must be hard after just getting him back?” She questions with a tilt of the head, that reminds him of Buck. They don’t look particularly alike but the Buckley siblings mannerisms are so very similar, that he can’t help but smile fondly.
“Sure, but that’s not it,” Eddie admits and shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling, “I can’t stop coming out to people.”
He says it, and then he hears it back.
Fuck. Again?
He looks back down at Maddie and Chimney whose faces look similar to Bobbys did minutes ago. The party continues around them but it almost feels silent, he closes his mouth, and tries to think of something to say.
In the end it’s Chimney that decides to break the tension, he lifts the small remote and presses a button. Suddenly, with a loud bang there is confetti everywhere.
He looks up again and watches in horrified fascination as the multicoloured paper flutters down around them. He reaches his hands out palm up and stares as it fills with confetti.
He did it again.
He did it again… and there is fucking confetti.
“Congrats,” Chimney says, as he does jazz hands and grins brightly, the confetti shaking off his shoulder as he moves.
Eddie doesn’t know what to say, there are few times in his life he can recall being rendered completely speechless.
When Shannon told him she was pregnant, and again when she asked him for a divorce. In the waiting room when Buck was crushed by the ladder truck, and again at his bedside when he was struck by lightning and died for three minutes and seventeen seconds, and Eddie just couldn’t make himself speak.
But right now, as he brushes the confetti out of his hair, he genuinely can’t find words. His brain is filled with static as he ponders the absurdity of what just happened.
“We’re proud of you Eddie,” Maddie says, stepping forward and hugging him. His brain comes back online, and he hugs her back.
If Bobby's hug was firm and reassuring, Maddies is gentle and loving.
“You should tell him,” She whispers in his ear and he isn’t even surprised.
Of course she knows. She’s Buck's big sister, she knows how it feels to love Buck unconditionally like he does.
He doesn’t say anything, he just squeezes her back.
Once they’ve pulled away Chimney pats his back, “Told you didn’t I—” He begins and points at the cannon, “—fun.”
Eddie snorts and pushes him away and sips his beer.
That is eight people who know. Eight people who love him, that are proud of him for just being him.
Eddie looks at the clock on the wall, 11:50pm.
Ten minutes till 2025.
Ten minutes and it will be another year of Buck not knowing he loves him.
Ten minutes and he will enter 2025, out to everyone but the two people that he wants to know the most.
“Excuse me,” Eddie dismisses himself.
He walks to the front door and steps outside to the porch while he pulls out his phone out. He dials Christopher’s number, and runs his sweaty hand against the roughness of his jeans, his foot tapping against the tiles.
“Yes dad, we are being responsible,” Christopher answers mockingly, he can hear Christopher’s friends giggling in the background and Eddie smiles.
God, he missed his kid.
“I’m sure,” He replies. “Are you having a good evening?”
“Yeah. Toby got a Quest, it’s awesome,” Christopher replies. Eddie doesn’t know what that means but he’ll take his word for it.
“That’s good buddy,” He clears his throat. “Do you have a minute? I need to tell you something, maybe away from your friends.”
“Err… sure. One sec,” There is shuffling on the line, the familiar click clack of crutches and then the sound of a door closing. “Shoot,” He sounds a little echoey, he must have gone to the bathroom.
“So, you may remember I promised to be more open with you,” Eddie starts, pulling a purple piece of confetti out of the collar of his jacket. He weaves it between his fingers and then scrunches it with a smile waiting for Christopher’s reply.
“You did,” Christopher agrees, he can imagine him nodding as he says it, his eyes rolling with only the finesse and brood a teenager can master.
“And I don’t want to go into next year without you knowing something pretty important,” Eddie says, he takes a deep breath.
It’s cool he's done this three times tonight, he can do it again.
“I’m gay.” There is a slight waver in his voice as the words leave his mouth, his faux confidence only extending so far. He holds his breath waiting for Christopher to speak, but as his son's words don’t come, he can’t help but fill the silence himself, “We can talk about it properly tomorrow. I don’t want this to ruin your night, but I need you to know this doesn’t change how much I loved your mom and—“
“Dad,” Christopher cut him off softly.
“Chris,” His reply sounds like a question to his own ears.
Oh god, what has he done?
He should have waited. He should have done this in person, what did another day change? He’s been running on a coming out high, with confetti and hugs and pride.
He shouldn’t tell Christopher this over the phone.
What is he doing?
“I’m proud of you,” Christopher whispers fondly, his voice a mummer through the tinny speaker of his phone. “You should be proud of you too.”
Air leaves his lungs in a heavy whoosh, and it should be concerning how often tonight he hasn’t realised he’s been holding his breath, but right now all he can do is closes his eyes and sigh with relief, “I am kiddo.”
And he doesn’t think he’s lying, he think he might actually be proud of himself.
“Good.”
They both stay silent for a moment, Eddie just listens to his son breathe, a new sense of calm falling over him.
“This honesty thing is good right,” Christopher giggles, and he thinks his matching chuckle sounds like an agreement.
He didn’t know coming out to his loved ones would involve so much laughter.
“I think so.”
“Riiight,” Christopher says, drawing out the syllables of the word. “Is that it, you’re gay? Can I go bring in the new year with my friends now?” Christopher asks.
He’s so nonchalant.
It’s New Year’s Eve, the sky is blue and Christopher Diaz’ dad is gay
The door opens behind him, and Buck steps out. And this time he actually feels his breath catch in his throat, “There you are? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Buck grins, and shuts the door carefully after noting Eddie is on the phone.
“Is that Buck, does he know about the gay thing?” Christopher asks in his ear.
“I’ll talk to you in the morning. Happy New Year, Buddy,” Eddie says, his eyes staying locked with Buck’s, he holds up a bottle of Prosecco and smiles coyly.
“Happy New Year Chris,” Buck shouts to Christopher, peeling the paper from the neck of the bottle, and shoving the wrapper in the back pocket of his jeans.
Then he turns his attention to the muselet holding the cork at bay. Eddie's breath staggers, butterflies filling his tummy as Buck smirks lazily, sauntering closer to him while the muscles in his arms flex twisting the metal cage.
“Tell him,” Christopher’s voice breaks the thick tension through the phone pressed to his ear.
“He-he says, Happy New Year,” Eddie stutters to Buck, and he grins back at him.
“You know that’s not what I meant?” Christopher exclaims.
“Love you, Chris. I’ll pick you up tomorrow,” Eddie replies.
“Egh, love you,” Christopher ends the call, and Eddie pulls his phone down revealing the time.
11:58pm.
Two minutes.
“Eddie?” Buck looks at him and tilts his head. “You okay?” He asks, popping the bottle with a grin, tipping the Prosecco toward him.
Liquid courage wouldn’t be a bad thing.
He accepts the bottle, and takes a long swig of the sparkling wine, enjoying the sweetness as it coats his tongue and revs him up.
Eddie hands it back to Buck, who follows suit taking a sip. “Do you remember when we pulled that grenade out of that guy’s leg?” He asks, not really knowing where the hell he is going with this.
“Hard to forget,” Buck snorts, pointing the bottle back toward him and Eddie shakes his head, causing Buck to shrug and take another sip.
Eddie steps closer to Buck, tightens his fist at his sides a couple times, stretching out his fingers before lifting his hand and placing it on Buck's shoulder. Buck’s lips are tugged into a fond smile, one Eddie sees often, one he likes to think is just for him. “Do you remember how you felt?”
“That we were in a pissing match,” Buck remembers with a huff.
“You were, I wasn’t,” Eddie rolls his eyes fondly, and slides his hand closer to Buck’s neck with a gentle squeeze. “But that’s not what I meant.”
Bucks turns his head, eyes tracing the movement of Eddie’s hand and his breathing staggers slightly as he whispers, “What do you mean?”
Eddie takes another deep breath, stepping in closer to him, “That feeling of the timer counting down. The danger, the urgency, the risk, the adrenaline. One chance to get it right,” Eddie moves his hand up further until he’s cupping the side of Buck’s handsome face—he’s so beautiful. Eddie relishes the prickle of his stubble against his palm, so different in comparison to the soft skin of his neck.
“We’re counting down, Buck,” He whispers.
The sound of everyone behind the front door starting the countdown to the New Year begins loudly.
10… 9… 8…
“Eddie,” Buck breathes. Eddie moves his hand once more to brush the pad of his thumb against the sweet pink splotches of his birthmark, another thing that’s so uniquely Buck. The skin is warm and delicate, and Bucks eyes close, his long eyelashes flutter against his cheeks and he moves closer.
Buck reaches out placing the bottle on the little table that holds some plants he knows Maddie and Buck potted with Jee in the summer. Eddie’s heart is races in his chest as Buck’s hands make a home on his shoulders, the touch burning though his jacket and shirt.
7… 6… 5…
“I feel like I have a million things to say to you and not enough time,” Eddie presses his forehead against Bucks, noses brushing softly together, lips inches apart. Eddie can feel Buck’s breath against his lips, the warm tickle making his stomach clench in anticipation.
It’s like they’re standing on a knife's edge, like they’re in the back of that ambulance again, eyes trained and breath held tight in their chest as they pull the grenade out of Charlie’s leg with careful trepidation, one wrong step and it can all go boom.
Buck’s eyes glance down to Eddie’s lips and butterflies erupt in his stomach as he realises that Buck wants this just as much as he does.
“You have time,” Buck breathes, and that’s just not true because he doesn’t want 2025 to be filled with uncertainty.
He wants Buck to know for every second of the new year just how much he loves him.
One of Buck's hands moves down Eddie’s side to rest on his hip, and a shiver zips down his spine as Buck pulls him closer.
The anticipation feels demobilising.
Not a want but a need.
Eddie needs Buck.
4… 3… 2…
“No we don’t,” Eddie moves an inch closer, their mouths a hairbreadth away from one another. “Because there is no way I am letting us drag this into another year,”
Eddie closes his eyes, and the space between them.
1…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Their lips press together in a slow kiss.
It isn’t fierce, or rushed like he thought it would be. It’s tentative, gentle… almost needy. Eddie is surprised by how soft Buck's lips are against his, he lets out a little sigh at the revelation, and Buck pulls him even closer, one his hand grabbing at the denim of his jacket, his other dances along his body till it’s gripping his jaw.
He tilts Eddie’s head up changing the angle ever so slightly, deepening the kiss and Eddie groans. He tangles his hand into the soft curls at the back of Buck’s head, his nails scratch at his scalp as he grasps his hair tighter, a pleased sound from Buck vibrating against his lips.
Buck’s tongue meets his in a sliding dance, tracing the lines and grooves of Eddie’s mouth, and he can’t help but shudder as a breathy little whine leaves his throat only to be swallowed by Buck.
The kiss gets more heated, teeth clashing together as Eddie pushes Buck till his back hits the front door, slotting his leg between Buck’s and bringing their bodies even closer together in a desperate roll of his hip that makes them both moan.
He is lost in Buck’s orbit, centred against him, fascination curling up his spine as he gets lost in everything he’s feeling. It’s too much, and yet not enough—maybe he might never get enough of Buck.
Buck is everywhere, setting Eddie’s skin ablaze as he pushes his rough hands up under his shirt to touch the soft skin of his back, his fingers mapping the length of his spine, and then travelling down to grip his ass—Eddie can hardly believe the whimpering sound he makes in response.
He pull away from Bucks lips to place small open mouthed kisses along the hinge of his jaw, Buck moves his head to the side to expose more of his neck to him as he sucks and nips at the delicate flesh, pretty little moans falling from his lips.
“This is so much better than a grenade,” Bucks breathes, and Eddie pulls away with a laugh, a grin pulling against his lips so wide his cheeks hurt.
He cups Buck’s cheek softly, and he beams back at Eddie in a way that makes him feel completely, stupidly in love.
They are both breathing a little harshly, chest heaving close. “Happy New year, Eddie,” Buck croaks, pressing their lips back together in a quick kiss.
Eddie looks at him—his curls are a mess of Eddie’s doing, his cheeks are flushed a pretty pink that rivals that of his birthmark, and his eyes are gleaming with that fond, only for Eddie look, that makes him dizzy.
And, fuck, Eddie’s chest feels tight with everything he feels for Buck.
He slides his hand down to Bucks chest, resting it over Bucks heart. “I love you,” He whispers into the space between them, his eyes feeling a little misty as he looks into Buck’s own, so blue and so earnest.
Buck's face softens, and his big hands drag up his body to cradle Eddie’s face gently, his thumbs moving back and forth over both of his cheeks, “I love you too, Eddie.” He leans forward kissing him once again, slow and tender.
Eddie loves him so much.
Buck pulls back with grin, “Best year ever.”
“We’re only like ten minutes in,” Eddie snorts, his head falling into the curve of Bucks neck, the smokey smell of sandalwood and vetiver filling his nose.
Yep, definitely smells good.
“And it’s the best year ever,” Buck states, his hands combing through his hair making Eddie shiver—he could get addicted to this embarrassingly fast. Buck rests his head against Eddie’s, and they sway together.
Eddie thinks that Buck might be right.
This could be the best year ever.
His son is home, he’s finding joy, he loves his friends and family, he loves his job… and Buck loves him back.
Pretty solid start to this whole gay thing too.
There is just one thing he really needs to know.
“Buck?” Eddie whispers.
“Yeah?” He replies softly.
“Is Nike gay?”