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it's overwhelming, sudden and intense.
matt can tell that it’s a panic attack from the moment he’s awake. his body wakes up first, jolting into a sitting position. the rest comes a second after: a rapid heartbeat, quickened breathing and sweat all over his skin. he’s panicking before he completely regains consciousness, before his mind even fully wakes up.
the second that it does, anxious thoughts start racing in his head. there's fear of having to go through another panic attack, the feeling of not being strong enough to do so. matt isn't doing too good. he's scared, terrified. his room is dark, the blinds are down, there’s not a single source of light. it’s freaking matt out. he can’t tell what time it is.
he needs control. but that's the thing about panic attacks; they take away any ounces of control you have over yourself.
matt can feel his body giving into the heavy panic. his breaths are shallow, he’s breaking into sweat, the hot and cold waves hit him one after another.
matt can feel the panic attack in every part of his body. he knows that it's one after all of the years filled with anxiety he had to live through. it's nothing new.
but the bad part is he doesn't even know what triggered it.
i can't breathe whereisalltheair?
matt's chest tightens as a small sob leaves his mouth. he's in pain, both mental and physical. there's needles hurting him in forms of anxious thoughts and pins sending him into state of pain.
it’s fine. nothing he didn’t handle before, right?
maybe he had a nightmare he doesn't remember now. maybe it is just a bad day. maybe it's the exhaustion or his head telling him things that aren't true. matt doesn't know. his head feels like it's not even a part of his body anymore. why is he freaking out?
whatiswrongwithme?
it could've been anything. matt can't control the overwhelming feeling of panic. it's spreading through his shaking body like a poison, boiling in his veins. his hands are shaking, he can’t stop hyperventilating, his mind is full of racing thoughts and the silence is so fucking loud.
matt can’t focus on calming down. he can't even try. his whole body is tired. it takes everything in him not to scream.
he probably would, if only he wasn't so fucking exhausted. he's too tired to go upstairs and ask nick for help, and he's too goddamn tired to text chris or yell his name.
what a shame, matt thinks. his brothers would help.
he struggles in his bed for a few more seconds, until matt decides he can't calm down here. he can’t do it alone.
there’s this scary feeling of uneasiness, the feeling like the world around him is falling apart. escaping the fear feels like an impossible task.
but matt tries anyway, because the bedroom is closing on him. the walls are getting closer and closer and oh my god he's gonna suffocate in here.
he gets up by a miracle, really. he has no idea how he doesn’t get stuck in the blanket, how he doesn’t pass out after standing up, how he has the strength to do anything. he just needs to stop the panic attack somehow.
with his body heating up, sweat dripping from his forehead and his heart banging in his chest, matt gets to his bathroom. he tries to hit the light switch, he misses a couple of times. when he finally manages to do so, the bright light surrounds the room. matt doesn't seem to notice. his vision is practically gone at this point, black dots being all he sees.
he moves at a leisurely pace, his steps heavy and unsure. the brunet’s hands are in front of him so he doesn’t crash into anything. he’s walking blindly, mouth wide open, trying to get as much air as possible.
matt is losing control. fear sets in and he can feel palpitations of his heart and trembling hands. he's gonna die if he doesn't do anything soon.
he blinks the darkness away somehow and when he can see where he is, he gets into the shower.
one motion with an unsteady hand is all it takes for cold water to fall on his body. a heavy waterflood comes from the ceiling and covers matt’s hair, face and body. it’s ice cold, almost making his lungs escape his chest.
but matt’s breath is being taken away every time he has a panic attack. he’s not shocked. it doesn't surprise him anymore.
it still feels unbearable though.
the dizziness takes the best of him and he slips on the wet floor. he falls to his knees, fucking them up pretty badly. he can't care less, focusing on the pain in the chest instead. he doesn't mind the coldness of the water. it’s a distraction. anything that makes his focus switch from the pounding of his heart and his tight, breathless chest is a good thing.
ican'tbreatheohmygod
the water doesn't calm him down and matt knows he needs something that actually will. his body is shaking. the water isn't making anything better at all. matt thinks nothing really can.
he's proven wrong a second later. the solution to all his problems rings in his ears. his older brother is here.
“matt!” he hears a muffled shout. “are you okay, i heard a thud and.. oh my god, matt” nick gasps as he walks into the bathroom, hearing the shower running. he doesn't want to invade his brother's privacy, but the sound was concerning.
his heart aches painfully, seeing the middle triplet soaking wet in his clothes, sobbing and breathing heavily on the floor. nick immediately knows what's happening and it doesn't take him more than a few seconds to kneel on the floor next to matt. he collapses, knees hitting the shower pan. he doesn't even care that the water gets him wet in seconds, all he cares about is matt.
nick's eyes are filled with fear and worry as he reaches out to matt. matt sobs loudly, feeling his brother's presence. his eyes are closed shut, the younger one refusing to look at him. he doesn't know how he feels.
can you even feel anything while the overwhelming waves of panic are constantly hitting your body and mind?
nick doesn't even think of turning the shower off as he pulls matt into a tight hug. he's clutching his baby brother to his chest, arms tight around him. he tries to give matt as much comfort as possible without suffocating him and making matt feel small.
nick knows the drill. he knows how to deal with matt's panic attacks. the breathing method is scraped into his mind, the motion of delicately brushing through his hair being incraved into his muscle memory by now.
"shhhh, bubba, i'm here" he reassures the crying triplet, his hand smoothly rubbing his back. matt appreciates him more than anything else. it's like the weight on his shoulders is a little lighter any time that nick is with him.
another wave of panic hits and matt can feel air literally leaving his lungs.
"i can't, i can't-" the younger one spits out, his throat feels like it's closing.
"i know, i'm here, matt. it's okay"
the water is cold, soon enough nick's brown hair is stuck to his forehead, almost reaching his eyes. nick doesn't care, he focuses on whispering comforting words to matt.
"a small breath in, you got this, matty, i believe in you"
and matt tries, even though the water is freezing and he's unable to think clearly. his body is shaking now not only from exhaustion, fear and panic, but also cold.
"you're gonna get through this"
matt sobs loudly. he hates not having control over his own body.
"you always do, yeah? it's gonna pass in a second, matt" and he wants to believe his brother so badly. he really does. matt trusts him and he knows nick means well.
but the attack feels like it's endless, the panic seems like it won't ever leave. nick says something, but matt can't focus. his thoughts are loud and overwhelming and pleasejuststopthis.
the cold water doesn't help anymore. it is making him tremble more. nick notices.
"i'm gonna turn the shower off. i need to let you go, but just for a second, i promise" matt doesn't let it happen. he shakes his head, no, please don't leave, and nick can't fight it. he can't leave his baby brother even for a moment.
"chris!" nick yells, covering matt's ear. the other one is pressed against the older's chest. matt flinches at the sound, his mind way too foggy to realize what's happening. he cries silently, but tries to match his breathing with nick's heartbeat. it doesn't really work.
"you're doing so good, matt, just like that" nick says, almost like he knows what the brunet is thinking. he holds him close, doesn't release him from the tight hold.
matt feels safe, but the panic still has him in a chokehold. matt wishes he could just calm down.
"what's going on here? matt? holy shit, you okay?" matt opens his eyes, hearing other voice in the room. he wants to see chris, but he's too weak to turn his head. he just sticks to mindlessly staring at the bathroom wall instead.
his mouth is slightly open, wheezy breaths coming in and out. tears are falling down his cheeks, but he can't feel them. they get mixed with cold water pouring from the shower.
realistically, he knows nothing is putting him in any kind of danger. but his mind is telling him differently, his body shivering due to fear and pain. the suffocating, taking away his breath pain, it's everywhere. the frightened state he's in is exhausting him to the core.
it hurts so bad please turn it off.
the youngest one approaches them and turns off the water. matt coughs until he can feel the oxygen in his airways again. chris kneels in front of them, worry written all over his face. "hey, kid, i'm here, you're gonna be fine"
im safe. im safesafesafe.
matt is breathing, looking at his brother's face through misty and foggy eyes.
he can see the wall, his wet black socks, nick's arms around him, and now chris' blue eyes in front of him. he can also see the freckle on his jawline, identical to the one he has.
matt slowly comes back to reality, knowing that chris is around too lets him ease up a bit.
"he's having a panic attack" nick confirms what chris is already thinking. chris nods and switches from eye contact with nick to matt. "matt, you're gonna try to breathe with me, 'kay?"
breathebreathebreathe
matt blinks, takes a breath in. both of the people he loves the most are here.
he can touch chris' hands, nick's arms, nick's wet hoodie and a towel. he doesn't know where it came from, but it's dry and soft.
"it's okay, dude, we got you" nick's here. chris is here too.
matt feels a touch on his shoulder, then someone's hand brushes through his wet hair. he closes his eyes again, giving into the comforting movement. matt knows what his brothers are doing. they're redirecting his focus from his stinging chest to physical touch. it seems to be working.
"breathe in and out. slowly, matt, you got this" matt coughs on an inhale as he tries to listen to his brothers. his eyes sting, more tears show up. his fingers and toes are tingling, the funny feeling goes up and reaches his legs and arms.
"c'mon matt, breathe" matt tries again. he doesn't choke on air again, just takes it in.
he can smell chris' cologne and the white musk candle he has in the bathroom. he takes a breath, the tightness of nick's hug never restraining his movements. his older brother stabilizes him instead of limiting him and matt is so fucking thankful.
"just breathe with us" and matt does just that. he's safe. his heart isn't beating so fast anymore. it doesn't seem like it's gonna escape from his chest anymore.
inhaleexhaleinhaleexhale
"that's good, matty"
he can taste the dry bitterness in his mouth. he doesn't know what it is, but it's always there on his tongue anytime the panic or anxiety sets in.
his stomach twists but it eventually goes away slowly, allowing matt to calm down. the middle triplet takes a breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. the gut wrenching waves of nausea seem to leave with each round of breathes he makes.
at some point his body stops trembling. matt doesn't know if it's nick's hug, the towel chris has wrapped him in a moment ago or the comforting words both of them are saying to him.
maybe it's all of it. matt doesn't think too much about it, giving into the exhaustion. his mind is finally quiet enough for him to realize that he is actually safe. focusing on his breathing is easier now that the room is filled with silence and he can feel the warm coming from his brothers' bodies.
"you okay?" nick asks him after what feels like infinity. matt doesn't really have the strength to reply, so he just nods in nick's chest. "you got me scared for a second"
"you did good, matt" chris whispers proudly. matt smiles weakly, appreciating the quiet words. chris is a loud person and even though matt loves his unique personality, right now he's just thankful for the calmness.
the assurance and comfort is all he needs. his chest doesn't hurt so much anymore and he can finally take full breaths.
"sorry" he lets out a small, quiet apology. it stays in the air for a second, met with silence of worried nick and confused chris.
"what are you sorry for, bubba?" matt catches himself sighing, soaking in the comfort of nick's hug. chris is right next to them, matt can feel his presence.
"just... makin' you worry" nick rubs his arms, his chin resting on the top of matt's head. they're both soaking wet, cold clothes clinging into their bodies making them uncomfortable. chris looks at nick and they both instinctively agree that they need to get out of the shower.
"it's nothing, matt. we got you" nick says.
"we're gonna get you up and out of here, okay?"
functioning feels impossible. how is he supposed to snap back into reality? he just felt like he's never gonna take a breath again. like his life was ending right there and then.
matt doesn't say anything, just lets the thoughts fly through his mind.
chris slowly puts his hands under the middle triplet's arms, not wanting to overwhelm him even more. matt doesn't move or flinch, so the younger takes it as an agreement. with nick's help they all get up, helping matt slowly stand on his shaking legs.
matt tries to make the dizziness go away by taking deep breaths. it doesn't really do much, the black dots dancing in the frame of his vision.
"i can't stand" matt whispers in shame, closing his eyes. his full balance is based by his brothers' arms, holding him steadily.
"i got you, bub" nick responds immediately, wrapping his arms around matt. he picks him up without a struggle.
matt bites his tongue, trying to hide his embarrassment. he's 21, he should be able to handle his panic attacks on his own.
i'm so weak thisissoembarrasing.
chris observes him carefully, eyes laid on matt's face expression. he notices the dark eye bags, the chapped lips and on the top of it all, how his face is scrunches up in a shameful way. chris' heart breaks a little. he and nick want to help. matt needs to know that they don't feel forced to do so.
"matt, there's nothing wrong with letting others help. with letting us help" the youngest one states, his voice reveals that he's sure of his words. "we love you and there's not a single thing we wouldn't do for you"
matt opens his eyes and looks up at his baby brother's face. he knows chris is being truthful and that he means what he says. matt smiles weakly and mouthes thank you. chris' eyes light up a bit and it's a beautiful view.
"where do you wanna go, matt? whose room?"
"doesn't matter. just not mine"
"okay" nick replies and walks out of the bathroom. chris follows them and approaches matt's closet, planning on taking dry and fresh clothes for matt to change into.
matt relaxes in his older brother's embrace as he carries him to chris' room downstairs. matt fights the need to sleep, tries to focus on his surroundings, but his tired eyes are closed shut. he can't seem to keep them open.
at some point he feels the comfort of chris' mattress under him as nick sits him down on the youngest's bed. matt barely manages to keep himself in that position, sleepiness taking over his body and mind.
"nick, 'm tired"
"i know, kid, but we gotta change you into dry clothes. you'll feel better once you're warm and comfortable, i promise" matt takes in his words and nods slightly, letting his brother take off his hoodie and shirt.
he can feel the material of a towel drying off his wet skin. if he wasn't so tired, he would do it himself. but right now, he feels like all the strength has been sucked out of his body and so he just lets nick do what he does.
the sound of rushed footsteps makes him open his eyes. chris walks into the room with another towel, probably for nick, and a pile of clothes.
"thank fuck" nick grabs a hoodie from him and puts it on matt. he then takes the towel and wipes the water away from his face. "i'm freezing"
"me too" matt admits quietly and watches as chris walks up to him, taking over and letting nick take care of himself.
"i got him, go get changed. the last thing we need is two sick people in the house" he jokes slightly, looking at half asleep matt. nick nods and leaves the room with a i'll be right back.
"you breathin' okay?" chris asks, rubbing the towel on matt's head, trying to get rid of the water. as he receives a nod from his older brother, he continues talking. "this is gonna be lowkey weird as fuck, but i need to take your pants off. don't want my bed to get wet 'cause you decided to take a shower in the middle of the night"
a quiet chuckle escapes matt's lips.
"got it. i'll stay out of the bathroom next time"
chris tenses up a bit and even though matt's mind seemed to shut down on him, he still notices.
"what's wrong?"
chris shrugs, but worry is written all over his face. "just don't want you to go through this again. i hate that you're not better"
matt looks at him through foggy eyes. "it's a one time thing, chris. 'm not gonna freak out every night"
the youngest makes eye contact, searching for any signs in case matt is lying. chris sighs as he doesn't find any.
"i'm just worried, matt. me and nick, too. it's like a third panic attack this month. something is wrong"
nick walks into the room, now in a beige sweater and sweatpants. he sends matt a worried look as he approaches both of his brothers.
"what happened, matty?" he asks, finally breave enough to do so.
matt blinks, his mind processing things at a slower pace than normally. he hates how tired he gets after an attack. he takes a small breath.
"i... i just, it feels like im living in this cycle of being tired all the time. it's like i live in fear of fear" matt whispers, his eyes closing as he confesses. his fingers are still tingling. "i-i know it makes no sense, i'm sorry"
"don't apologize" nick stops him immediately and sends him a reassuring smile. "we're gonna figure it out"
"yeah, you have nothing to be sorry for, kid" chris adds. "we're just glad we can be here for you. and we'll talk when you rest"
nick nods with a quiet mhm and squeezes matt's hand lightly. matt sighs quietly, his eyes feel heavy. his body is exhausted and he needs sleep. both of his brothers notice, chris speaks up.
"lay down", he says and matt doesn't fight it. chris gets in right next to him, leaving matt's wet clothes and the towel on the floor. nick sighs, noticing the mess.
"you're the messiest person i know, chris" he points out which chris reacts with an eye roll.
"i'm taking care of my brother, can you fuck off" he half jokingly says as pulls a blanket over himself and matt.
"great, now matt's mental health is an excuse to turn this house into a fucking trash insland"
matt yawns as his brothers bicker quietly over him. he feels comfortable in dry clothes and under a blanket, chris' arm on his waist.
"you can sleep" nick speaks up, redirecting his focus to the middle triplet.
"thanks, 'm just gonna take a nap" matt says, relaxing his tensed up body. panic attacks always seemed to take away all his energy.
"it's okay, matty. you're okay" nick assures him, the voice steady and soft. chris brushes through matt's hair.
"we'll be here when you wake up"
"yeah" nick confirms. "we'll always be here"
matt feels loved and cared for. and at the end of the day, that's all he needs. his brothers.
they could light up the darkness and stop the panic even during his worst days.