Chapter Text
Buck didn’t really know how it'd started.
"C'mon, baby, c'mon." Over-the-top moans interlaced with laboured grunts. Janice, a terrifyingly beautiful blonde, bouncing herself up and down his half-hard cock. "Fuck me, Bucky-boy." She threw her head back, one hand splayed over Buck's chest, pushing him down, the other viciously fingering her own clit. "Fuck me like you mean it, fuck me like the filthy animal you really are."
Janice came first, head thrown back in pure bliss, mouth opening in a blissed oh, oh, oh, followed afterwards by Buck, his climax intense and bordering on painful. It was already the third one he'd reached that night. He's exhausted.
Yeah, so between filing a lawsuit and pushing himself away from everyone who used to care about him, Buck somehow got himself into…
Janice rolled off him with a giggle. Her arms stretched high into the air as she cracked her back, comfortable and nonchalant. "That was fun. Riley was right — you are a good boy."
…this .
"Yeah?" Buck shot in the dark for a smile, and the third-time post-climax high must have gotten to him, despite it all, because for some reason he found himself asking, "She tell you how good a cook I am too?" Maybe if he enticed her with good food, Janice would stay for the night? She seemed nice enough.
Janice rolled her eyes. "Buck." Her idle fingers traced feather-light lines down Buck's arm. "If I wanted someone to cook for me, I'd be at a restaurant."
"I, I could take you to one, I mean-"
Sharp manicured fingers dug into his wrist. Buck felt his skin tear. "Dude, shut the fuck up." She glared at him. "Didn't Riley make it clear enough for you? I'm only looking for sex – don't make it weird."
Buck's blood ran cold, flinching hard, but not hard enough to shake Janice off, because that was rude, and he shouldn’t be rude to Riley's guests. "No, no, I'm sorry, I won't mention it again, please don't tell–"
A high-pitched giggle escaped Janice as Buck's hand was flung away like a broken toy. "I’m only kidding, sweetheart." She slapped him on the arm, playful, teasing. "Chill out, Bucky-boy. It was just a joke.”
Of course it was just a joke. Things always were, when it came to Buck. He laughed.
Janice smirked and patted his head absently.
Before leaving, she made a promise to call Riley if she ever wanted him again, and commented something about how the scars on his chest made him look like a real man.
Buck raised a shaking hand over his chest - little scars, little scars, little scars, so many little scars - and rubbed it over his spasming heart. He closed his eyes. I deserve this .
Janice was gone.
I deserve this .
He was alone.
Hen was one of the few people who didn't treat Buck like absolute shit when he returned to work. She'd handed him red velvet and nudged her shoulder against his without expecting anything in return and that was nice. She was nice. Safe.
Until her eyes caught the nail marks carved on his wrists.
She frowned. "Where'd you get that?"
Fuck. He should have worn the turnout coat. Fuck. "Um, just," Buck forced a sheepish grin on his face. Shrugged, rubbed the back of his neck. "Rough night."
"Crazy hook up?"
Buck's cheeks warmed. "Something like that, yeah."
Hen's eyes danced, patting him on his arm. "No need to be shy, we've certainly seen worse during your 1.0 phase."
Hen's touch is friendly and objectively harmless. She didn't have long nails. She didn't hold his wrists in a bruising grip like Janice did, yet still Buck fought hard against the overwhelming urge to jerk away.
"Seriously." Hen seemed to be studying him carefully. "Don't feel too bad about it. I'm glad you have some company amidst all… this.”
You mean the company that everyone in the station didn't want to give him?
The old Buck would have said that. The old Buck shrugged her off and said he's fine. The old Buck would have whined and ranted about being ignored by everybody.
Riley's Buck would never do that. Riley's Buck knew how to smile gracefully. Riley's Buck knew that he deserved what he got. Riley's Buck knew what he had to say, knew that Hen's amiability towards him could change at any moment.
Riley's Buck knew how to be good. He smiles back at her, a facsimile shy of genuine.
“Yeah, Hen.” He squeezed Hen’s hand which still hadn't left his shoulder. “Thanks.” He nodded down to the small cake sitting beside him on the bench. “I really appreciate it.”
Hen smiled back at him, and Buck considered this interaction to be a job well done.
Riley wanted him clean for the next guest. It was a man this time, apparently.
The shower temperature was turned up to absolutely scalding. Buck forced himself to stand still under the showerhead, face downturned.
Water, water, all around him, sinking, sinking, down, down, down-
Fighting his way up, shoving against an avalanche of currents-
Christopher. Christopher, swept away from him, out of his arms, gone, gone, gone-
Eddie would be devastated. He had to find Christopher, he had to find-
The chiming jingle from his phone sent him into overdrive. His heartbeat skyrocketed as he scrambled out of the shower, snatching his phone from the bathroom counter.
It was Riley.
Buck picked up immediately.
"Evan?"
"Riley." Buck gasped.
There was a pause, and then a deep sigh. "Were you in the shower?"
Buck blushed, feeling quite pathetic shivering naked in the middle of his own bathroom.
"Yeah." Buck mumbled. "I panicked again. Sorry."
Riley clicked her tongue, but she didn't sound overly cross. Buck let his shoulders relax.
"We'll have to work on those water training exercises more."
Buck's insides curled. Riley was doing this for his own good , he reminded himself. He deserved what he got.
There was the sound of a keyboard typing on the other end of the line. "Will you be able to get it up for Dylan?"
"Yes," Buck breathed. "Yes, I can. I'm alright." He didn’t want to be alone.
"Good boy. He'll be there in twenty."
She hung up before Buck could reply.
Buck's knees gave out. The impact of his flesh on hard tile was merciless, but Buck managed to make no noise beyond grinding his jaws together.
Riley had taught him to keep his pain inwards. He wouldn't have screamed so much during the truck incident if he'd met Riley then. Cap wouldn’t have been so scared about him getting hurt again, and then he wouldn't have been kept off the team.
Riley was good for him. Always had been.
Buck allowed himself one more minute to collect himself before moving on to prepare himself. The men Riley called over were always too rough, and they never bothered with lube. Buck was lucky they even cared about condoms at all.
Buck climbed down from the truck, face blank. He'd been put on the sidelines again. Single man on hose duty while Eddie got two kids out of a burning building. When they returned to the firehouse, Bobby didn't bother speaking to him other than a cursory, "You're on cleaning duty tonight."
Buck nodded placidly, and went off to get a mop.
A flash of red hair, high ponytail-
Angry frown, angry frown, angry frown-
"Evan."
Riley. That was Riley was standing in the fire department, close to the end of Buck's workshift, arms folded and angry. Angry, angry, angry.
"R-riley. I, why- what are you-" Buck shot a panicked glance over his shoulder to find Eddie and Hen pausing to stare at him over their shoulders. Shit. "What are you doing here?"
Riley caught his fidgeting hands, nails digging into his wrist, jerking his attention back to her. "You don't know?" She asked, in that dangerously quiet tone and shit, Buck didn’t know, he didn't know-
Fuck. His eyes snapped up wildly. "Oh my god, Riley, I forgot, I'm so sorry-"
"Yeah." Riley's bruising grip tightened. "You should be."
From behind, Buck heard Eddie snort and mutter something along the lines of, "Ain't that the truth." His receding footsteps hurt more than his words ever could.
Hen, though. She stayed.
Riley broke away first. "When do you wrap up?" She was already turning away, but her voice remained at that dangerously frigid level.
Buck gulped. "Uh, I've got cleaning duty but I'll be done as soon as I can-"
"15 minutes." Riley's high heels clicked with a final sway of her hip. Buck winced. He was so screwed. "I'll be waiting in the car."
“Buck?" Hen's hand was half-outstretched, as Buck was rushed through the motions of cleaning up, a furrow in her brow. "You good, man?"
Buck gave his best aw-shucks smile as he stored cleaning supplies back in the firehouse cabinet. Bobby had placed him on cleaning duty, which probably meant he shouldn't really be half-assing this job, but Buck couldn't really find it in himself to care overly much at the moment, not with Riley getting more and more pissed in the car every second that she spent waiting on him.
She's going to eviscerate him when they get back. "Yeah, I’m fine. Just didn’t see you, ‘s all.” His heart felt like it was running a marathon, but he kept his super convincing smile plastered on his face for Hen. “Don't worry 'bout it."
"Are you sure? I don’t think you–”
"Sorry, Hen," Buck interrupted, dipping his head in apology, knowing how much he was risking their tenuous friendship by doing so. "But I really gotta' go. Talk to you tomorrow?"
Hen's paused. "See you tomorrow."
He maintained his award-winning smile before sliding his way past her and sprinting for the door. He needed to get to Riley before Riley decided he wasn't worth any of this trouble after all. (She wouldn't be wrong.)
Buck would be the first to admit that he was a man of many errors. He came too fast during sex. He chewed too loudly. He was late to dates. He couldn’t stay in a hot tub with Riley or her friends because the thought of willingly submerging himself in water for fun made his skin crawl.
He had been in the process of filing a lawsuit against the city which targeted the only family he'd ever had when he met her.
Buck's arms wrapped around his torso, head bowed over his knees.
Riley was just taking care of him, he told himself. Just making sure he didn't make so many mistakes. Guiding him down the correct path so he stopped hurting the people he loved.
Ice cold water rippled around him, and just that small movement was enough to send him back to the tsunami, where everything around him was water, and destruction and the taste of salt lingering in his mouth and everyone, drowning around him-
Buck muscled down the embarrassing whimper rising from the back of his throat. Riley didn't like hearing him make noises like that.
She was sitting on the closed toilet seat beside him, red hair tied in a no-nonsense bun. Her discipline mode. A switchblade dangled from the metal bangle on her wrist. "Tell me why you're here, Evan."
Buck sucked in a harrowing breath.
"I, I forgot my meeting with Zack–" — Zack was one of the cruel ones. He never allowed Buck to finish, he always left Buck more sore than ever, and he always kept Buck pressed so far into the bed that he couldn’t breathe –" — and I missed your calls —" –I wasn't supposed to answer calls during work - "- I'm sorry." Please don't leave me.
Riley hummed, leaning forward on her elbows. Her hands curled over the back of his head and Buck forced himself not to stiffen. "You know you deserve this, don't you?"
Buck nodded frantically.
She idly dipped her hand into the tub, swinging it back and forth. "In words, Evan."
"Yes, Riley." Buck strangled out as cold water crashed against him like actual waves.
"Good." Riley remarked, then shoved his head completely underwater without warning.
Water filled his mouth, his lungs, his eyes and Buck, he couldn't breathe, he couldn’t–
He couldn’t find the red-glassed boy with a too-wide grin, he couldn't find his best friend's son, he couldn't, he couldn't–
Buck willed his body not to fight. Fighting only made things worse. He had to endure this. To get stronger. To be better. He had to—
He couldn’t breathe–
Fingers twisted in his hair as he was bodily wrenched out of the tub.
He coughed, and coughed, and coughed and Riley, she, she was-
She was keeping him steady with firm hands. One of them carded through his locks in a jarringly soft manner, the other holding his chin upwards so he had to face her. Buck couldn't help the whimpering keen that came out of his mouth then.
Riley allowed him a few more minutes of reprieve before pulling away and ordering him out of the tub.
The last part was the easy part. It was fine. It was always fine. Buck groggily stumbled to his knees in front of Riley.
She slowly unclipped the switchblade from her wrist and sterilised the blade with alcohol. Then she raised an eyebrow at Buck. "You ready?"
Buck swallowed convulsively. "Yeah." His voice sounded weak even to his own ears.
Riley beckoned him closer. Buck obeyed, even as she brought the blade closer to his chest, even as the blade scratched more criss-cross marks over his chest. More evidence of his failures, his punishments. More reminders.
Buck felt the familiar sting of metal cutting into his skin, of warm blood trickling down his front. Buck kept his eyes fixed on the ground. He made sure not to let any more unnecessary noises escape him. She had already been kind with the first one.
Don't cry, Evan. She'd told him the first time they did this. Take it like an adult.
Buck kept silent until Riley eased off the pressure, letting out an involuntary sigh of relief. Riley's hand paused at his exhale and immediately Buck tensed. He didn’t, he didn't make any noise, did he? Or did that breath count as weakness? Was she, was she going to punish him again? Buck didn’t think he could handle that all over again, he couldn't-
Riley threw the blade aside and got to her feet. Buck's shoulders sagged. It was over.
"Sit up here." Riley absently tapped her foot on the toilet seat as she took out the first-aid kit from his bathroom cabinet.
Buck obeyed. Her feather-light fingers roamed over his skin as she tended to his wounds and Buck felt his entire frame shake with fervent need . Tears sprang to his eyes unbidden.
Buck curled further into Riley's touch, feeling needy and wanting and useless, but that was annoying and he shouldn't be like that but he just. He just wanted someone to stay with him.
"You have to be good for me, Evan." Riley said quietly as she finished the last of his bandages. “Or else why would I stay with you?"
Buck let out a strangled sob and nodded, babbling something about being good forever and trying his best and promising to be her good little boy. It was stupid, and shameful, but Riley placed a gentle hand over his scarred chest all the same. She was kind.
Riley’s fingers danced lightly up over the now plastered cuts on either side of his neck. "You'll do better next time, won't you?"
“There won’t be a next time.” He mumbled, half-aware of how childish he sounded but not aware enough to care. "I promise."
Just, please, just stay.
Riley chuckled and patted him indulgently on the cheek. "We'll see about that."
She left him rocking back and forth on the cold, empty bathroom floor that night. Tears fell in free fall down the sides of Buck's jaw as he begged silently to no one in particular.
Stay. Don't leave me alone, please.
Stay.