Work Text:
Christmas Eve 2024
Eddie was sure everyone sitting at the table had stopped breathing.
They had fallen silent, the sound of a Hallmark Christmas movie could be heard playing in the next room. He looked around at the faces of his parents, his son. Christopher looked sad and afraid— but lurking beneath it was that same bravery he’d always had. His son amazed him, and that feeling only grew stronger as he got older.
He and Christopher locked eyes.
A deep breath.
“I’m gay.”
—
October 2024
“So, Christopher, you still haven’t told us what you want to be for Halloween this year.”
Eddie bit back a smirk when he saw Christopher rolling his eyes on the couch, Helena missing the gesture.
Christopher still hadn’t told Eddie he wanted to live with him, and Eddie wasn’t going to push the matter, so he was resigned to visiting Chris at his parents’ house.
Of course, Eddie loved his parents. But they could be exasperating, frustrating, exhausting. It would be nice to spend time with Christopher without his parents there, but he would take what he could get.
“I told you. I want to be Lisa Frankenstein,” Christopher replied, a hint of a groan in his voice.
“W-Well, okay. But I thought you were joking, honey. Who even is Lisa Frankenstein?” Helena’s brows pulled together, mouth screwed up in an expression Eddie had come to know as being displeased.
“She’s the main character in a movie I like,” Christopher huffed quietly, obviously not the first time he’s explained this to her.
“What about someone like Captain America? You love Captain America! And think of all the compliments you’ll get when we go trick or treating,” Helena offered, and Eddie’s eyes narrowed at her suspiciously.
“I’m not going trick or treating, I’m too old. It’s cringe. Nick is having a Halloween party at his house, and I want to go.” Eddie had a feeling from his tone that this was another thing Christopher had already told her before.
“I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea. And you’re not too old to trick or treat, who said that?” Helena sounded personally offended, twisting her hands anxiously in her lap.
“No one said it, it’s just the truth.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to just stay here? You could hand out candy with me!”
“I’d rather go to Nick’s party,” Christopher replied, deadpan.
“Don’t you think you maybe spend a little too much time with Nick? I mean, what about your other friends?” Helena said carefully. Eddie rolled his eyes at the familiar tone. He’d lost track of how many times she had said something like that to him about Buck.
“All my other friends will be there, too,” Christopher pointed out, grumbling.
“Well, will Nick’s parents be there?” Helena wrinkled her nose as she asked, lips pursed.
“Yes, and so will his parents’ friends.”
Eddie’s lips quirked up, recognizing the attempt to assure Helena that the party would be safe and supervised. He remembered doing the same thing at his age.
Helena sighed.
“Alright, I’ll talk to Nick’s parents,” Helena relented without fully agreeing. “We can go pick up a Captain America costume tomorrow afternoon.”
Eddie rolled his eyes as Christopher’s head snapped in her direction.
“No, I still want to be Lisa Frankenstein,” he frowned.
“What about Iron Man? He’s very cool,” she tried to persuade him, but it fell flat.
“I want to be Lisa Frankenstein,” Christopher stressed, looking Helena in the eye.
Helena sighed and glanced at Ramon, whose attention had shifted from the movie they were watching to the conversation happening between his wife and grandson.
“You can’t dress like that, Christopher. Just be the Iron Man,” Ramon said curtly. Christopher’s shoulders dropped at his dismissal, lips pouting.
“Why not?” his brows were pulled together in confusion.
“Yeah,” Eddie chimed in, not liking the way his father was speaking to his son. “Why not?”
Ramon looked toward Eddie with a sigh before turning back to Christopher.
“They’re going to think you’re gay if you dress like a girl. Everyone. You’ll wear something else.”
Christopher’s jaw slackened in surprise, eyes widening.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Eddie jumped in sharply, leaning forward in his seat. “He can wear whatever he wants to wear.”
“Not when we’re the ones buying his costume,” Helena replied, giving Eddie a pointed look.
Eddie gritted his teeth.
Between all the repairs he was having to do on his new, stupid, fixer-upper house, and the low tips he was getting driving for Uber, Eddie didn’t exactly have the money to buy Christopher’s costume this year. His mother had insisted that they would pay for it, that it was no big deal, they were happy to do it.
Eddie should have known it would have come with conditions.
Christopher’s face dropped in disappointment, his chin falling to his chest.
“Yeah, fine. I’ll be Iron Man,” he muttered, and Eddie’s heart squeezed painfully.
“You’re going to look so cute!” Helena clapped with excitement, beginning to ramble about all the pictures she couldn’t wait to take.
Eddie wasn’t listening.
He had a feeling Christopher wasn’t either.
—
Eddie sucked in a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to do.
They had just gotten done eating dinner. Helena had excused herself to the kitchen to wash dishes, and Ramon led Christopher away to play a game of chess. Eddie had remained sitting at the dinner table, lost in thought, not yet wanting to go home and say goodbye to his son.
Leaving him here was always hard.
Eddie stood, slowly ambling into the kitchen and into his mother’s line of sight.
Time to swallow his pride.
“Hey, I was wondering if maybe I could be the one to bring Christopher to his friend’s Halloween party.” God, he hated feeling like he had to ask for permission to be involved in his own son’s life. “I thought I could stick around a bit to supervise him, you know. Keep an eye out,” Eddie tacked on, hoping it would help convince her to agree.
He was lying.
Helena seemed to consider his words for a moment before her mouth flattened into a thin line, exhaling sharply through her nose.
“I suppose that would be fine,” she said tensely, following it up with a tight smile.
Eddie forced himself to smile back.
“Sounds good. Thanks.” He leaned in, dropping a kiss to the side of her head before leaving to find Christopher and say goodnight.
Eddie had to get home, he had something he needed to do.
—
“Oh, I just don’t want to let you go!” Helena squeezed Christopher in a tight hug, his face flushing nearly as red as the Iron Man costume he was wearing.
Eddie resisted the urge to roll his eyes, fiddling with the car keys in his hands.
“Maybe I should just get a couple more pictures,” Helena released Chris from her grasp, reaching for her phone once more as Christopher groaned.
“Mom, you already took 80 pictures. Just let him go to the party,” Eddie stepped forward, resting a hand on Christopher’s shoulder.
“Let the boy go, Helena,” Ramon gestured vaguely in their direction.
Helena sighed, frowning and tsking.
“Alright,” she pouted. “Just go. But, Eddie, he needs to be back by 9. Don’t forget.”
“We said 10, Mom,” Eddie tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“Fine,” she huffed.
Eddie and Christopher turned toward the door, trying to quickly make their escape before Helena could insist on taking any more photos.
“Oh! Eddie!”
The two boys let out a simultaneous sigh, stopping in their tracks. Eddie turned to face his mother once more, waiting to hear what she wanted.
“You’re staying with him all night, right?”
“Yes,” Eddie answered emphatically. “All night.” He gently began pushing Christopher out the front door by his shoulder, following him and shutting the door behind them before Helena could say anything else.
“What? Dad, you can’t stay at the party. I’m 14. That’s so embarrassing!”
Eddie rolled his eyes as they climbed into the car.
“Relax. I’m not staying at the party. Let’s just… Let’s keep that as our little secret, alright?”
“Wait, really?”
“Yes, really,” Eddie shot him a pointed look, wearing a small mischievous grin. Christopher returned his smile, slowly nodding to himself.
Neither of them spoke again until several minutes into their drive, when Christopher suddenly sat up straighter, his expression morphing into one of confusion.
“Uh, Dad? This isn’t the way to Nick’s house…”
“I know.” Eddie grinned.
“What? W-What do you mean?”
“Don’t worry, I’m still taking you to Nick’s party. We just need to make a quick pit-stop.” Eddie clicked on his blinker, turning into his neighborhood.
“For what?” Christopher asked suspiciously.
“You’ll see.”
When they pulled into the driveway, Eddie turned off the car and nodded his head toward the front door.
“Come on.” He popped his door open and climbed out of the car.
“Can’t I just wait here?” Christopher half-complained.
“No,” Eddie replied simply. “Just come on. Come inside.”
He didn’t even have to see Christopher to know he was rolling his eyes in an over-dramatic fashion, but he still heard the seatbelt click as he removed it and began getting out of the car.
Christopher dragged his feet the entire walk up to the house and inside, clearly annoyed that Eddie wanted him to come inside before dropping him off at Nick’s party, but Eddie was sure it would be worth it.
Or rather, he really hoped it would be worth it.
Christopher lingered in the doorway while Eddie walked further into the living room and grabbed a bag off the couch. It wasn’t until that moment that Eddie started to really question if this was a good idea.
He and Christopher had only just started reconnecting, and Eddie had been trying his best to make sure he didn’t overstep, not wanting to push him any further away. Buying the costume was a big swing— he would have to wait on painting his kitchen cabinets for another week or so to make up for costs, and Christopher might not even want the costume anymore— but he wanted his son to be happy. And he wanted to send a message.
Helena and Ramon were wrong.
Eddie nervously stepped closer to Christopher and held the bag out to him.
“What’s this?” Christopher asked, taking the bag with a curious expression.
“It’s a Lisa Frankenstein costume,” Eddie answered, trying his best to feign confidence.
Christopher turned his gaze up to Eddie’s face with wide eyes.
“Wait— Really?” he asked hopefully. Eddie nodded.
“Yeah. If you want it.”
“I do! I—“ Christopher looked back down at the bag in his hands, beginning to rifle through it. He pulled the black dress halfway out of the bag and rubbed it between his fingers softly.
After a moment of quiet, Eddie spoke up.
“You okay, bud?” he asked gently.
Christopher’s bottom lip quivered and Eddie heard him swallow hard, then again a second time. He waited, giving him whatever time he needed to speak.
“What about what Abuelo said?” Christopher finally asked, his voice quiet and small, tense and thick with repressed tears.
Eddie felt his heart cracking.
He shook his head, brows knitted together.
“Who cares what Abuelo said?” Eddie asked heatedly. “You can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t have to mean anything about you. And if it does,” Eddie rested a gentle hand on Christopher’s shoulder, “That’s okay, too.”
Christopher looked up at him, eyes red and watery, and nodded. He sniffled.
“Thank you,” he whispered, blinking fast to clear his tears away. Eddie ruffled his curls.
“Go on, get changed. Don’t want to miss your party,” Eddie encouraged softly. Christopher smiled and headed quickly for the hall, leaving Eddie smiling at his retreating figure.
Eddie sighed, feeling the tension he hadn’t even realized had been building all day leaving his body. Christopher was happy. Eddie helped.
After a few minutes, Christopher returned in the costume, wearing a small smile and holding the bag in one hand. Eddie beamed at him.
“You look great! Your hair really makes the costume.”
Eddie had seen plenty of pictures of the Lisa Frankenstein character when he was shopping for the costume online, and he immediately drew the connection between their blonde ringlets.
Christopher’s smile grew, before dimming just slightly.
“There was—” he started to say hesitantly. After a moment, he continued. “There was some makeup in the bag.”
Eddie nodded.
“Yeah. She wears a lot of bright lipstick, right? And dark makeup around her eyes. You don’t have to wear it, if you don’t want to.”
“No, that’s not it.” Christopher opened and closed his mouth a few times, like he was struggling to find the right words. “I’ve never worn makeup before, I don’t know how to—“ He trailed off. “What if I poke myself in the eye?”
His confession had Eddie chuckling fondly.
“I could help, if you want,” Eddie offered, letting Christopher make the choice for himself.
“You would?” he asked nervously, mouth twisting to the side as he waited for a response.
“Of course,” Eddie nodded, moving to sit on the couch and gesturing for Christopher to join him. He really didn’t know anything about makeup or how to apply it, but he was sure he could do well enough to achieve the desired effect. The eyeliner stick was a little pencil, and he had always been fairly good at drawing.
Christopher sat next to him on the couch, passing him the bag to fish out the makeup. He closed his eyes with a sigh, waiting patiently for Eddie to get started.
“Okay, keep your eyes closed and don’t move,” he warned, lifting the eyeliner pencil to Christopher’s eyelid. Christopher hummed in response, and Eddie got to work, softly and slowly filling in a line just above his eyelashes and extending it out like he’d seen in the pictures.
After he was finished with the first eye, he told Christopher to open his eyes and look at him so he could check his work. With a nod, Eddie told him to close his eyes again, and repeated the same thing on his other eye.
“Okay, I think you’re all done,” Eddie put the small plastic cap back over the tip of the eyeliner pencil and tossed it onto the coffee table. When he turned back to face Christopher, he found him staring at Eddie with red, watery eyes. Eddie’s smile dropped.
“Oh my God, did I poke you in the eyes? Do your eyes burn? Are they itchy? Because if you—”
“No, Dad, I—” Christopher audibly swallowed. “Do you—” He looked around the room, avoiding Eddie’s gaze. Eventually, he seemed to settle on looking at the bag in Eddie’s lap. “Do you really think it’s okay if people think I’m… gay?”
“What?” Eddie asked, dumbfounded, his brows pulling together. “Of course, I think it’s okay. Who cares what people think? And there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”
Christopher’s chest heaved once, followed by the sound of a stifled sob. Like a dam breaking, he hunched over slightly, shoulders shaking.
He was crying. Why would he be—
Oh.
He looked up at Eddie, tears streaming down his red cheeks, the dark makeup around his eyes somehow unaffected.
“I’m gay,” he confessed between shaky breaths, his voice cracking over the words.
“Hey,” Eddie soothed, pulling him into a near bone-crushing hug. Christopher buried his face in his shoulder as he cried, fingers curling in the back of his shirt. “That’s okay. It’s okay.” Eddie rubbed his hand calmingly up and down Christopher’s back. “It’s more than okay. You’re perfect.” He pressed a kiss into the side of his son’s head. “I love you.”
Christopher cried harder at that, and Eddie began rocking him slowly from side to side in his arms.
“I love you so much,” he whispered, repeating the sentiment over and over as he rocked the boy and waited for his tears to subside.
When Christopher finally pulled away, his entire face was wet with tears.
“I was scared to tell you,” he said, sniffling. “And I don’t know why. I know you’re not homophobic, but I was still just really scared—“ he broke off with a wet cough.
“Oh, mijo,” Eddie sighed softly, wishing he could make all of Christopher’s hurt evaporate. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”
Christopher sniffled again and nodded.
“Do you think— I don’t really feel like going to a party tonight. Do you think I can just stay here instead?” He wiped his cheeks with the backs of his hands, bottom lip trembling.
“Yeah, of course,” Eddie assured him. “We can just stay in tonight.”
“Alright. I’m gonna text Nick and tell him I can’t come anymore.” He grabbed his phone off the couch cushion next to him, and Eddie smiled sadly.
Christopher was so brave, and Eddie was so proud of him, but knowing that he was struggling with this, not feeling like could talk about it— it made Eddie ache.
“Do you think I could spend the night here tonight?” Christopher asked nervously, dropping his phone beside him and leaning back against the couch cushions.
“Always. You don’t even have to ask, Chris. I’ll call your grandparents in a minute and let them know.”
Christopher’s spine straightened at that, looking at Eddie with wide eyes.
“Please don’t tell them what I told you. I don’t want them to know,” he begged, panic creeping into his tone.
“I won’t. I wouldn’t,” Eddie shook his head firmly. “That’s not for me to share with anyone. I’ll just tell them you wanted to stay here tonight.”
Christopher nodded with a sigh, slumping back against the cushions again.
After ordering pizza, and a phone call to Helena in which she insisted on speaking to Christopher herself, Eddie and Christopher settled in for a night of watching movies and handing out candy to the occasional trick-or-treater, giggling over the cute kids and their costumes. Eddie even managed to convince Chris to let him take a couple of pictures of him in his Lisa Frankenstein costume. He rolled his eyes and groaned the whole time, but Eddie could tell he secretly enjoyed it.
It was, by far, the best night Eddie had since he came to El Paso.
Later that night, with most of the pizza eaten and Christopher unable to keep his eyes open, Eddie decided it was time to call it a night, turning off the TV and gently shaking his half-asleep son.
Christopher grumbled, peeling his eyes open and letting out a yawn.
“It’s time for bed, Chris. C’mon.” Eddie helped Christopher to stand, resting a hand on his back and guiding the tired boy to the hallway.
“Hey, Dad?” Christopher stopped suddenly and turned around, facing Eddie.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. I love you.” He wrapped his thin arms around Eddie’s waist, hugging him tight. Eddie returned his embrace, trying to fight back tears when he felt the boy’s curls tickling his chin. He was getting so tall; he was growing up, and Eddie couldn’t stop it even if he tried.
“I love you, too.” Eddie did his best to keep Christopher from hearing the lump in his throat. Judging by the look he gave him when he pulled away, he hadn’t succeeded.
After their quiet goodnights were exchanged, Christopher ambled off down the hall, leaving Eddie to finish cleaning up and turn out the lights.
He was pretty tired himself, but he wasn’t ready to go to sleep yet. There was something more important to take care of first.
Collapsing onto the couch with a sigh, Eddie pulled his phone from his pocket and opened the browser app.
How to be a good parent to a gay kid
The search yielded plenty of results, mostly repeating the same information about listening to your kid, telling them you love them, accepting them as they are…
It all seemed pretty obvious. And bare minimum.
Eddie didn’t want to just do the bare minimum, he wanted Christopher to have the best support he possibly could. So he continued searching, opening link and after link, reading page after page.
The best ways to support your gay kid
The top results from that search were mostly from Reddit, seeming to be mostly other parents who felt clueless and wanted to make sure they were doing right by their children. It made Eddie feel weirdly emotional. It was nice to see that there were good people in the world, good parents.
He opened the first link.
r/AskLGBT
My daughter (18F) recently came out to me. How can I support her?
The replies were full of links to different resources, bits of advice, personal experiences, and more. Eddie combed over all of them for at least an hour. When he’d seen what must have been a tenth person saying something along the lines of “try to understand their experience/what they’ve gone through/how they might feel” Eddie closed out of the Reddit post and typed a new search into the search bar.
What is it like to be gay?
Once again, all of the top results were from Reddit. Eddie tapped on the first one.
r/AskLGBT
Questioning. Can you describe your experience being gay to me?
Thirty comments, none less than a paragraph in length. This seemed like a good place to start.
u/kuhweeruh
hi OP! i’m sorry you’re having a hard time! i would say for me, the most defining part of my experience was realizing that i can recognize when a woman is beautiful (as many women are), but that isn’t the same as being attracted to them. i never had an urge to kiss or hold or sleep with a woman. it honestly confused me growing up that other boys did feel that way. for a while, i actually thought it was a joke that everyone was playing up how much they wanted to kiss or be with girls. then i realized one day, i did know how they felt, but not for girls. i felt that way about boys. all the girls i thought were pretty or beautiful were just that, and it was nothing more. i didn’t feel desire for them, not the way straight guys did.
Huh.
That sounded a little confusing to Eddie, honestly. How does someone even tell the difference between thinking someone is beautiful or being attracted to them? It wasn’t something he’d even thought about before.
He kept reading.
u/desperatemalewives
I tried to deny my sexuality for a long time, honestly, but it got to a point where I couldn’t.
I tried dating women, forcing relationships, and I hated it. I felt like I was faking and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. It was almost like playing house, like when you’re a kid.
Maybe I should’ve realized when I preferred being alone over every relationship I had ever been in. Or maybe I should have realized when the idea of a future with these women made me uncomfortable. I blamed it on commitment issues and thought one day I would find “the one”.
Eventually, I did. His name is Jeremy and we’ve been happily married for 6 years.
No, but really, realizing that I couldn’t see myself happily in love and married to a woman made me come to terms with my sexuality. I realized I wanted to be old and gray with a man I loved by my side. Kind of shattered my worldview for a bit, but everything felt better after that.
I hope this helps.
Well, Eddie might not be gay but he could kind of relate to that. The forcing relationships part, the playing house. He’d never had a relationship that didn’t feel like some kind of performance before, and he certainly felt better alone than he did with any of them.
It might be for different reasons, but maybe that was something Christopher and Eddie could bond over or talk about one day— trying to feel something that just wasn’t there.
u/ohgaye
I’ve always known I was gay, and I never tried to hide it. My parents didn’t like that. My entire childhood and teen years were spent with my parents trying to convince me that I was confused, and trying to get me to “act straight” in public. I think so I wouldn’t embarrass them?
It never worked. I knew who I was, and none of the awful things they said could ever change that.
I won’t lie, there were a lot of times I hated myself, or even believed them that there was something wrong with me. None of that changed my sexuality though. The one constant through everything was that I was undoubtedly gay.
I don’t know if this will help you since you’re questioning, but I thought I would share. Good luck.
Eddie wasn’t sure why that comment seemed to sit so heavily in his mind. He frowned, reading it a second time. Then a third.
Maybe it was because he was subconsciously imagining his son ever feeling that way. Or maybe it was because the idea of anyone feeling that way just because of who they were was heartbreaking.
Either way, something about it hurt. It hurt a lot.
He read it a fourth time, eyes welling with tears that were quickly blinked away, heaving a deep breath and forcing himself to keep scrolling, trying to resist the urge to read it a fifth time.
u/sunsup
Tale as old as time.
I didn’t realize until I was in high school. Parents weren’t ecstatic but they still accepted me, it just took some time for them to fully embrace it. Been discriminated against, had the time of my life at pride. Met a boy, had my heart broken. Met another boy, had my heart broken again. Made a bunch of gay friends who made me realize how I should’ve honestly known sooner that I was gay, but you live and you learn, right?
I would say probably the first obvious sign that I was gay, looking back now, was picking a girl to have a crush on in school. All my friends had crushes on girls, and I thought I should, too. I figured we were all just picking girls we thought were pretty and cool. I was wrong. They had actual crushes, like wanting to date or kiss those girls. You know, like the way I felt about the guy who sat in front of me in homeroom.
I hope this (and the other comments) are helpful! Good luck, OP!
Eddie blinked at the phone in his hand.
That couldn’t be right.
The comment had 8.7k upvotes.
Eddie blinked at the phone again.
Swallowing hard, he pressed to open some of the replies to that comment, unable to deny his need to see what other people had to say about it.
u/nattwenty
Oh, god. I forgot about choosing a girl to have a crush on. Erin from math class was my “crush” but really she just had pretty hair and good outfits.
u/jettpack
Some of these replies have been depressing, but remembering the “pick a crush” phase actually made me laugh. Thanks.
u/FMGL
shoutout to my first girlfriend, who explained to me that deciding to have feelings for her wasn’t actually how having feelings for someone works. i thought it was a compliment and she promptly explained that i was G A Y
Eddie’s jaw went slack as he read through dozens of replies, all talking about their similar experiences.
It just— It didn’t make sense. That was how it worked. You meet a girl and think she’s pretty and nice and you get along, and you sort of just choose her. You decide to date and be in a relationship. You feel like she’s beautiful, you feel like you like talking to her, you have feelings for her. That’s what having feelings for someone is.
Right?
Eddie sucked in a shaky breath and scrolled to the next comment.
u/natgnab
Hey OP!
To be honest, I really figured out I was gay when I found out that romance in books and movies and tv were more realistic than I thought. I assumed it was exaggerated for entertainment, but nope!
When you have romantic/sexual feelings for someone: your heart skips a beat around them, they make you nervous, you think about them before you fall asleep and first thing when you wake up, they’re always on your mind, you always want to be around them or talk to them, they make you feel special and you want to make them feel special too, you feel a spark when you touch, you want to kiss them, you want to have sex with them - and not just because sex feels good but because you think they’re hot and you want to be intimate with them, you get excited about planning for the future with them, they make you feel crazy and happy and sometimes you feel like you just /need/ them.
It isn’t just something that happens in movies and books. It’s real. If women don’t ever make you feel that way, I would say it’s safe to assume you’re gay.
Eddie cradled his phone in his hands, brows furrowed, feeling suddenly dangerously fragile. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from those last two words, all the seemingly broken pieces of his life clicking perfectly into place. In a single moment, he realized his pieces were never broken at all.
He had been so focused on the picture he thought he was supposed to be working toward that it had never even occurred to him that maybe his pieces didn’t fit for a reason.
you’re gay.
He didn’t realize he was crying until the tears began to land on his phone screen, the words blurring beneath them.
—
November 2024
Any time Eddie had to drop Christopher back off at his parents’ house would always feel a bit like the sky was falling.
It had already been a month since Eddie had come to Texas and Christopher still hadn’t asked to move back in with him. Every time they saw each other, Eddie wanted to ask, wanted to beg him to come home, but he fought against his own wants in favor of Christopher’s comfort. He was so afraid to push his son further away, he had to wait for Christopher to bring it up, for him to ask.
So here he was, dropping Christopher off again after a night spent at Eddie’s house.
Eddie was grateful for any time the two of them were able to spend together, but it did sometimes feel like rubbing salt in the wound to have his own son for such short periods at a time. It often felt like he had small visitation rights with his kid, and it broke his heart.
“You ready to head in?” Eddie asked, turning his car off and unbuckling his seatbelt. They had been sitting in the driveway of his parents’ house for a few minutes already, with Eddie staring at the front door to the house and Christopher silently watching some video on his phone in the passenger seat.
Christopher grunted in response, eyes still glued to his phone screen. With a sigh, Eddie pushed open his door and climbed out of the car, slowly walking up to the house with Christopher lagging behind him.
“We’re back!” Eddie called out as he stepped into the house, internally contemplating between sticking around to spend a little extra time with Christopher or leaving as fast as possible to get away from his parents.
“Christopher!” Helena cheered, approaching the door with a wide smile. She completely side-stepped Eddie and pulled the boy into a hug that he didn’t return, still fixated on his phone.
Eddie had grown a certain brand of contempt toward his parents, but he still loved them. They were his parents, after all. It was complicated. And being completely ignored, seeing how much they clearly preferred his son to him…
It hurt.
“What’re you watching?” she asked when she realized Christopher wasn’t paying her any attention, a disingenuous smile plastered on her face.
“Max Henry. He’s a YouTuber.” Christopher shrugged.
“Wow.” Helena blinked rapidly as she peered at the screen over Christopher’s shoulder. “He’s sure wearing a lot of makeup isn’t he?” she asked, her voice tight.
“Yeah,” Christopher responded noncommittally, a subtle tension in his shoulders giving away his discomfort. “He’s a makeup artist. That’s what his videos are about.”
“Well, that just doesn’t seem right does it?” Her nose wrinkled, mouth screwed up in contempt. “I don’t know why so many men want to be women these days.”
A look of hurt flickered across Christopher’s face, and he locked his phone, tucking it into his pocket.
—
September 2002
“Hold still, Eddie!”
Eddie did his best to obey Adriana’s command, keeping his eyes closed and remaining still, but it was difficult. He was excited; he just wanted to look already.
The feeling of tiny fingers and soft brushes tickled across his cheeks and eyelids as Sophia and Adriana worked, giggling amongst themselves and bringing a grin to Eddie’s face.
He loved his younger sisters so dearly, and their request to do his makeup sparked an unfamiliar joy in him. They were just a couple of years old, so their only makeup was out of a small set made for kids— a couple of pink and purple eyeshadows, blushes, and lip glosses. Still, Eddie was elated to have his makeup done, and to see how he would look when they were done.
“Tada!” Sophia cheered happily, her voice echoing loudly through the living room.
“We’re done!” Adriana tacked on, patting Eddie’s cheek softly with a giggle.
Eddie opened his eyes, his heart kicking excitedly in his chest, and looked in the mirror. His eyelids and cheeks were smeared with shimmery pink shades, a sticky pink gloss on his lips.
He loved it.
“You look so pretty, Eddie!” Sophia grinned wide, one of her front teeth missing.
“Thank you, guys,” Eddie said earnestly, holding his arms out for a group hug. The girls fell into his embrace easily, having just as much love for their brother as he had for them.
“Girls!” Helena’s sharp voice cut through their soft moment, making all three of their heads swing towards where she stood in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen. “What did you do to your brother?”
She approached quickly, leaning down and smudging her thumb through the gloss on Eddie’s lips, making him pull his head back roughly at the unpleasant sensation.
“He wanted us to,” Adriana explained, though it sounded more like a question than anything. None of them could understand why they were in trouble.
“No,” Helena scolded, grabbing Eddie by the arm and guiding him to his feet. Her touch wasn’t rough by any means, but that moment still felt like a slap in the face. “Makeup is for girls. Not boys.” She made a point of looking all three of them in the eyes as she spoke.
Eddie frowned, remembering how his father had sat him down just a couple of months before and told him he had to be the man of the house. Maybe he really had done something wrong by letting his sisters put makeup on him. If boys weren’t supposed to wear makeup, it must be even worse for the “man of the house” to be wearing it.
After that, Helena dragged Eddie to the bathroom and cleaned all the makeup off his face, huffing and puffing the whole time, shaking her head in disgust.
Deep in his chest, something felt rotten and raw. It felt vulnerable; it felt wrong.
—
June 2023
Eddie checked his watch, seeing another fifteen minutes had passed since he last checked, and Buck still hadn’t come out.
“Buck!” he called loudly, standing from the couch and turning toward the bathroom where Buck had disappeared half an hour before. “We’re going to be late!”
Just then, the door opened and Buck stepped out, wearing a bright blue shirt that brought out his eyes— eyes that were adorned with glittering pink eyeshadow.
“Relax, we have plenty of time,” Buck replied, pulling his phone from his pocket and typing out a quick text. “Hen and Karen are just now leaving their place.” He looked back up at Eddie. “You sure you don’t want to wear some makeup with me? It’s not like anyone will judge. I don’t think anyone would even notice honestly. All the attention is going to be on the food and the drag queens.”
Eddie’s fingers twitched, an urge to nod and agree.
They were going to drag brunch in the middle of L.A, he might honestly be the only person in the room not wearing makeup. And it was just for fun. He was sure it would be fun. But…
That familiar old feeling began to grow inside of him again, colored in shades of grey, curling in on itself protectively, all exposed nerves and subconscious flinching.
He knew there was nothing wrong with a man wearing makeup, but that didn’t stop the feeling. It’s hard to undo what had been planted in you when you were a kid. You grow around it, like roots of a tree, and it becomes a part of you. Not impossible to remove, but impossible to remove without some hard work and more than a little damage. It would mean having to take yourself apart, down to the foundation, to weed out the poison.
It was hard. It was easier to just—
“No, thanks, man. I’m good. Now, let’s get going.”
—
November 2024
“Well, I think it’s cool,” Eddie said pointedly, giving a quick look to his son before his gaze fell to his mother. “Lots of guys wear makeup these days.”
Helena just huffed while Christopher gave him a small sad smile.
—
Why the fuck was makeup so expensive?
Eddie groaned, looking at his bank balance on his phone. At this rate, he was going to be working until he was on his deathbed.
A knock on his front door had Eddie jumping up off his couch and stuffing the receipt into his pocket as turned the handle.
“Christopher!” Eddie grinned widely, swinging the door open for his son.
“Hi, Dad,” Christopher greeted, stepping past Eddie and into the house.
Eddie offered a wave to his mom in her car, seeing her half-heartedly return it before pulling away.
That’s fine.
“So,” Eddie started nervously, closing the door and whirling around to face Christopher. “I was kind of thinking maybe we could do something specific tonight.”
Christopher eyed him suspiciously as he dropped down onto the couch, leaning back against the cushions.
“Oh, God,” he groaned. “How bad is it?”
“What?” Eddie asked, brows drawing together. “Why would you think it’s bad?”
“Because you said it like that. Like I won’t want to do it.”
“No.” Eddie shook his head. “I mean— I don’t know if you’ll want to do it, but I don’t think it’s bad. If you don’t want to do it, we don’t have to.”
“Okay…? What is it?” Christopher sat forward in his seat, his attention focused on Eddie.
Eddie held up a finger, letting Christopher know to stay put before swiftly going to his room and grabbing the bag on his dresser. He heaved a deep breath before returning, one unsure step after another.
When he stepped into the room, Christopher’s eyes immediately zeroed in on the bag in his hands.
“I watched some of that guy’s videos. The one you were talking about. I thought maybe it would be fun to try one of his tutorials.” Eddie sort of felt like he was about to throw up. He wanted to get this right so badly, wanted to make sure Christopher knew it was okay. It was okay to like makeup, or to want to wear it, or whatever else he wanted.
He didn’t want the ugly thing that lived inside of him to grow in his own son.
Christopher turned his gaze up to Eddie, eyes wide and cautiously hopeful.
“Really?” he asked quietly, something restrained in his tone.
Eddie nodded. “It seemed fun.”
Christopher broke out into a grin, his entire face brightening. His joy was palpable, warming Eddie like golden rays from the sun.
“Did you buy stuff just for this?” Christopher asked excitedly, nearly bouncing in his seat.
“Yeah, I picked one of his videos and bought all the stuff he used so we could follow his instructions exactly.” Eddie stepped closer and set the bag on his coffee table before sitting beside his son.
“That’s awesome!” Christopher lurched forward, wrapping his arms around Eddie in a tight hug. Eddie sighed happily, doing his best to soak in that feeling. “Can we start now?” he asked enthusiastically when he pulled away, and Eddie nodded.
“Of course!”
Over the course of about two hours, the duo did their makeup together— giggling over dumb jokes, swearing under their breath, rewinding the video over and over to catch exactly what they were supposed to do, Christopher explaining how different brushes affect the way makeup looks, Eddie pouting in confusion and insisting that was a marketing scam to sell more expensive brushes.
Occasionally, Eddie would feel like he was doing something wrong, but one glance at his kid, beaming like the sun itself was shining from within his lanky frame, would push those feelings away again.
Eddie was the luckiest dad in the world. As dark and sick as his heart sometimes felt, Christopher’s golden warmth was stronger— it was contagious. Being in his presence made Eddie a better, happier person.
They were just sitting back on the couch after they had finished up, with Christopher knee-deep in a mostly convincing sales pitch about why Eddie should buy him some more makeup, when Eddie’s phone began to ring.
It was Buck, just on time for their usual nightly facetime call.
Despite the nervous trembling of his thumb, Eddie pressed “accept” with a wide grin and messy makeup still on his face.
“Buck!” Eddie greeted, already feeling less nervous at the sight of his best friend. He was laying in his bed, by the looks of it.
“Buck!” Christopher tacked on, leaning into the camera frame, all of his teeth on display as he smiled brilliantly.
“Well, hello,” Buck replied through a giggle. “I didn’t realize we were getting all dolled up for this call. I’m feeling underdressed,” he joked, running a hand through the messy pile of curls on his head.
“Horribly underdressed.” Christopher shook his head gravely. “Next time, you need to do your makeup with us.”
“Aye, aye, Captain.” Buck mock saluted, the playful glint in his eyes evident even through the low lighting. “How are my two pretty boys doing tonight? You guys seem like you’re having fun.”
Eddie felt his cheeks warming slightly at his words but decided to ignore it. He nodded.
“We are. We—”
“We wish you were here!” Christopher interrupted, as if Eddie weren’t there at all.
He would be annoyed if he weren’t so endeared. Some days it was hard to tell who loved Buck more— him or Christopher— and that just made him love Buck even more.
“I wish I was there, too!” Buck’s tone was light but Eddie would sense the melancholy weight behind it. Eddie swallowed hard.
“So, what’d you do today?” He quickly changed the subject, asking a question he already knew the answer to. When the two of them weren’t on facetime together, they were texting back and forth, updating each other on every move they made.
But still, Buck launched into a recap of his day, and for a little while, Eddie could almost pretend the three of them were in the same room again.
“Buck, are you asleep?” Christopher asked, obviously noticing Buck’s closed eyes and the fact that he hadn’t spoken in several minutes. Eddie snickered.
“No. ‘M ‘wake,” Buck mumbled, eyes still closed.
“He’s definitely asleep,” Eddie corrected, matter-of-factly. He turned to Christopher. “And you should be, too. It’s late.”
It was nearly midnight, but Eddie didn’t have the heart to tell Christopher and Buck they had to say goodnight earlier.
“Alright,” Christopher yawned. “G’night, Buck!”
Buck peeled his eyes open, smiling sleepily.
“Goodnight, Chris,” he returned.
Eddie and Christopher bid each other goodnight before wandering off to their bedrooms. As Eddie shut the door to his room, Buck spoke again.
“So,” he began, still sounding half-asleep. “You gonna do your makeup for me next time we see each other?”
Eddie snorted.
“In your dreams.”
Buck chuckled quietly in return before yawning.
“You wanna fall asleep on facetime again?”
Eddie didn’t even have to think about it. He quickly realized after arriving in El Paso that he slept better when Buck was on facetime with him, and based on how often Buck asked about it, Eddie would assume it was the same for him.
“Yes.”
As Eddie finally got into bed, the dark and silence of the room settling in around him like a soft blanket, Buck’s virtual presence keeping him company, he realized— something inside of him hurt. But it was a good hurt. It kind of felt like getting up to walk around after sitting down all day, or stretching your muscles after a good workout.
Or like tight old roots— loosening their grip on something they should’ve let go of a long time ago.
—
November 2024
“That’s so unfair!” Christopher shouted at the TV screen, outraged. “They had the best performance!”
Christopher, Eddie, and his parents were gathered on the couch, watching the newest episode of Dancing With The Stars— and Christopher’s favorite couple was just eliminated.
“No, they didn’t,” Ramon replied, gesturing towards the screen. “Their score was low. They deserve to go home.”
Eddie shoveled a handful of popcorn in his mouth, wrinkling his nose at the taste. It was some low-calorie option his mom had bought. She insisted on buying the “healthier” option of whatever she kept in the kitchen, always making her disapproval known when Eddie or Christopher mentioned the junk food Eddie kept at his place.
“Their performance was beautiful, though. People were crying!” Christopher argued, sitting forward in his seat, brows pulled together.
“Who cares? Dancing should be about technique and skill. It’s a sport. If you’re not winning, you’re losing.”
“What? No, dancing is art. It should be about emotion.” Christopher glanced over to Eddie, expression silently asking if he agreed. Eddie nodded.
“Maybe for gay dancers, or women,” Ramon said simply. “Jack is a real man, that’s why he’s going to win.” He pointed at the screen. “He’s going to take home that trophy. And probably a couple of women, too,” he joked.
“Hey,” Eddie cut in sternly. “Don’t.”
—
May 2005
“Edmundo. Why are you being so difficult?” Ramon chastised, a look of irritation written across his face.
Eddie sighed.
“I just don’t want to do that routine. I don’t like it.”
“Well your coach said this routine will win you that trophy. Don’t you want to win?”
“He’s my teacher, not my coach. And I don’t care about winning,” Eddie whined. “What’s the point of dancing if I’m not even having fun?”
He used to love dancing, and on some level, he still did. It was just hard to access that joy when his parents were making everything about trophies and awards and competitions. It sucked all the happiness out of it.
And who did his father think he was to be scolding him about his dancing? He was hardly ever home, hardly ever gave a second thought to his family, but now he wanted to be involved?
“What’s the point of dancing if you’re not winning?” Ramon countered. “If you win, that proves your skill. Don’t you want everyone to know what a good athlete you are? Huh? And I’m sure all the girls at church will be impressed when we tell them you won another competition.”
Eddie didn’t want the girls at church to be impressed. He didn’t want to prove he was a good athlete. He just wanted to dance.
But he knew, at the end of the day, he had no say in any of it. He had to do what his parents told him to do, or he wouldn’t be able to dance at all.
With a sigh, Eddie nodded.
“Fine. I’ll do it.”
—
October 2005
Eddie was broken from his spiraling thoughts when a full mug was placed on the table in front of him.
“What’s wrong, Eddito?”
Eddie’s abuela rested a hand on his forearm, settling into the seat next to him. It took a few moments to get his words together before he could speak.
“I don’t want to dance anymore,” he mumbled.
Cautiously, he looked up to catch her reaction. She was the one who had originally taught him to dance— back when he was just a little boy. It was the start of his passion. Dancing became their thing, the two of them. He grew a love for it. The way it felt to move his body perfectly to the rhythm of the music, the way it told a story, the way it conveyed a feeling. It was fun— freeing.
Eventually, she had even convinced his parents to sign him up for lessons. He was good, good enough to start taking more and more complicated classes and for his teacher to encourage him to enter in competitions.
Abuela had been so proud of him, and now he was letting her down.
He had been preparing to see hurt in her face, or maybe disappointment. Instead, to his surprise, he saw neither. Abuela shook her head, clicking her tongue sympathetically.
“Feeling burned out?” she asked simply, and Eddie nodded.
“I’m tired of the competitions. That’s all my parents care about. If I can’t dance how I want, when I want, then I don’t want to dance at all.”
The decision had been long-coming. For months, maybe even years, his love for dancing had been dwindling, dying under the pressure of his parents. It was painful to realize, but his passion for it just wasn’t there anymore.
They took that from him.
“Do you want me to tell them?” Abuela asked knowingly. Eddie chewed on his bottom lip shyly before nodding.
He had tried to start this discussion with his parents many times over the past several months but it never went how he wanted. All he wanted was to be able to dance without competing, but that clearly wasn’t an option. Every time he brought it up, his mom would insinuate that he was ungrateful for all the money she had spent on lessons, and his father would say the competitions were the thing that separated him from the gay boys in his classes.
To them, dancing was only acceptable if he was winning something from it. To him, trying to win something made dancing feel soulless.
“Yes, please.”
Abuela patted his arm affectionately before pulling him into a hug.
—
November 2024
“You know, I used to dance.” Eddie leaned in toward Christopher, like he was letting him in on a secret. “If you ask me, winning trophies is definitely the least important part.”
“Really?” Christopher asked Eddie. He nodded lightly. “Do you think you could teach me?
“Well, honey, if you want, we could sign you up for some classes,” Helena offered.
“No.” Eddie shot her down straight away. “No, I can teach him.” He glanced back at Christopher, seeing him smile.
“Thanks, Dad,” he said quietly, just for Eddie to hear.
“Of course,” Eddie replied just as softly.
He pretended not to notice his father shaking his head in irritation, holding out the bowl of bland popcorn for Christopher, keeping him distracted just long enough not to see.
—
December 2024
“So now people are saying the movie was really bad, but I think they’re just trying to be edgy. Just because it wasn’t the best movie of all time doesn’t mean it was bad.”
Eddie laughed, enjoying Christopher’s rambling as they worked to set out the Christmas decorations like Helena had instructed.
“Was it really not bad, or are you just saying that because Andrew Garfield is in it and he’s your favorite actor?”
Christopher flushed, his cheeks reddening comically.
“Is it a crime to like his movies all of a sudden?” he asked defensively, a joking lilt to his tone.
Eddie chuckled knowingly, and Christopher shot him a grin.
“It’s not a crime,” Ramon chimed in, making both Eddie and Christopher jump. It would seem Eddie wasn’t the only one who forgot they weren’t alone. “But it’s starting to sound like you have a crush on him.”
On the face of it, Eddie would agree; it seemed pretty obvious to him that Chris had a celebrity crush. In another universe, Ramon would have made that comment with a little smile, Eddie would have laughed, and Christopher would have lightheartedly rolled his eyes at their teasing.
In this universe?
Ramon’s “joke” was made in a derisive tone, striking a plausibly deniable balance between a blithe jab and scorn.
“He’s just a good actor,” Christopher mumbled, setting a small wooden Christmas tree on the shelf next to the back door, his back turned towards Ramon and Eddie.
—
August 2004
“-and he did The Outsiders, Risky Business, and All The Right Moves in the same year! Can you believe that?”
Ramon groaned, throwing his head back dramatically against the couch cushion behind him.
“Yes, Edmundo. I can believe it. I remember when those movies came out. You also told me all of this like two weeks ago.”
Eddie’s mouth snapped shut, the smile slipping off his face.
“At this rate, I’m going to think you’re gay for him.”
Swallowing roughly, he shook his head hard, feeling that ugly thing in his chest rearing its head once more.
“No, I’m— He’s just a good actor,” Eddie replied weakly.
Ramon sighed heavily, exasperation practically wafting off of him.
“A boy your age should be more interested in women. Like her!” Ramon pointed to the TV screen across from him. Eddie looked at the screen, seeing a pretty blonde woman in a fight scene with an older man. “That’s Cameron Diaz. Very sexy. That’s who you should be obsessed with.”
“Uh… Right,” Eddie mumbled, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He was itching to excuse himself from the conversation and leave the room.
“You and me, we’re going to watch this movie and you’ll see what I mean.” Ramon held out the TV remote, clicking the volume up a few notches.
“Actually,” Eddie stood from the couch. “I think I have some homework to do—“
“Sit, Edmundo,” Ramon ordered sternly, not even bothering to look in his direction. Eddie sat.
The two went on to watch the rest of the movie together, with his father making occasional remarks about how hot or sexy Cameron Diaz looked, to which Eddie would just nod, which seemed to be enough to satisfy Ramon. It was beyond uncomfortable, and Eddie wished so badly that he could just disappear.
Just as the credits began to roll, Helena ambled into the room.
“Boys! It’s time for dinner.” She smiled, wiping her hands on a small dish towel. “What have you two been getting up to in here?”
“Just some father-son bonding.” Ramon grinned, clapping Eddie on the shoulder as they began making their way into the dining room.
Bonding.
Eddie had never felt a greater distance from his father.
—
May 2006
“Hey, Eddie!”
Eddie whirled around at the call of his name, just barely audible over the chatter of all the other students walking out of the school doors, the dismissal bell having rang just minutes before. Through the throng of kids, Eddie’s best friend, Oscar, came jogging in his direction.
“Hey, Os,” Eddie greeted with a smile when Oscar finally caught up to him.
“Hey,” Oscar returned, adjusting the straps of his backpack on his shoulders. “So, the new Mission Impossible is coming out this week, and your birthday is this week, too. So…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small strip of paper. “I got us tickets to go see it on Saturday! These were the last two tickets.” He smiled proudly.
“Woah! Thank you!” Eddie grinned wide, grabbing the movie ticket from him.
“No problem. Happy early birthday, Eddie.” Oscar smiled before getting distracted by something over Eddie’s shoulder. “That’s my mom. I’ll see you Saturday?”
“For sure!”
Eddie waved at Oscar and his mom as they drove away, smiling to himself for his entire walk home.
—
“Edmundo,” Ramon knocked on Eddie’s bedroom door as he walked in. “Your mom wanted me to tell you that dinner would be ready in fifteen minutes.”
Eddie nodded, looking up from his textbook. Finals were beginning the following week, and Eddie was determined to pass all of his tests, so he was studying during most of his free time.
“Alright, sounds good.”
Ramon ventured further into the room, peeking at Eddie’s textbook over his shoulder and nodding in approval before suddenly freezing.
“What’s that?” he asked gruffly, angling his chin toward the corner of Eddie’s desk, where Eddie’s movie ticket was laying.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Eddie dismissed, trying to wave his father off, but he persisted. He grabbed it, reading off the movie title with a question in his eye.
“I thought you weren’t into those Tom Cruise movies anymore?” He looked at Eddie expectantly, his gaze feeling heavy and uncomfortable.
“O-Oh, yeah. No, that’s— Oscar gave me that, but I told him I couldn’t make it. I’m going to be studying.”
Why did he say that? He wanted to go see the movie. He wanted to hang out with Oscar.
Ramon hummed in response, tearing the ticket in half.
“Good. It’s important to focus on your schoolwork.”
“Yeah.” Eddie swallowed roughly, not fully understanding why the words felt so poisonous in his mouth. “I agree.”
Ramon nodded, and with that he turned and left the room.
“Yeah,” Eddie repeated, muttering to himself, already mentally figuring out how to tell Oscar that he couldn’t go see the movie with him, planning out his apology.
—
December 2024
“Yeah, he’s really cool,” Eddie backed Christopher up. “I really liked him in those Spider-Man movies.”
Christopher perked up at his father’s affirmation, nodding vigorously.
“Yes! He’s so good as Spider-Man!”
“Hey, you’re spending the night at my house… Why don’t we watch those movies tonight?” Eddie offered, and Christopher’s eyes lit up in response.
“Okay!” He exclaimed joyfully before giving a quick glance to Ramon. “I mean,” he cleared his throat, “Sure. If you want.”
“I’d love to,” Eddie smiled widely, wishing he could pull the nervousness straight out of Christopher’s chest and reassure him that he was allowed to be excited about whatever actor he liked.
“Cool,” Christopher nodded to himself, grinning.
—
“Okay! So, we’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, candy, soda, and there’s pizza on the way!” Eddie nodded in approval at the spread of junk food laid out on the coffee table.
“And I got the blankets!”
Eddie turned around to see Christopher dragging in a couple of throw blankets, tossing them onto the couch with a grin.
“Perfect.”
The duo got through two Spider-Man movies, half a pizza, and about a quarter of their snack haul before Buck called for their nightly facetime.
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie answered, after pausing during the intro of the most recent Spider-Man movie.
“He—"
“Buck!” Christopher pulled the phone out of Eddie’s hand. “Don’t talk to Dad, he’s in time out.”
Eddie couldn’t see the screen, but he could hear Buck laughing.
“Why is he in time out?”
“Because he was making fun of me for having a crush on Andrew Garfield,” he replied simply. Eddie felt his brows raise in surprise. He didn’t know if Christopher had come out to Buck already, or if he just hadn’t bothered, making the assumption that Buck would accept him. Either way, it filled him with warmth to see him feeling so safe and open in the presence of himself and Buck.
“Oh,” Buck dragged out sympathetically. “That’s so rude of him.” Christopher nodded. “I get it though. Andrew Garfield is hot. A little old for you, though. Isn’t he?”
“I can be his controversially younger boyfriend,” Christopher shrugged. Buck barked out a laugh, and Eddie snorted.
“Yeah, maybe when you’re thirty,” Eddie interjected while grabbing the phone back from him. “And for the record,” he told Buck, “I am very supportive of his crush. We’re doing a marathon of his movies right now.”
“Oh, how awful. You saint,” Buck deadpanned. “At least those movies are good. Not like when you made me watch all of those Tom Cruise movies with you.”
“Hey!” Eddie said defensively. “You offered to watch all of those with me.”
“Yeah,” he conceded. “But that’s just because I’d do anything for you.”
A gentle warmth grew in Eddie’s chest and cheeks simultaneously, but Christopher’s eyes on him had him redirecting the conversation quickly back to the movies. Before long, Buck was loading up the latest Spider-Man on his own TV to watch alongside Eddie and Christopher.
By the time the movie ended, Buck was dead asleep but still on the line, and Christopher was fighting to stay awake. Eddie silently stood and turned off the TV, clearing up all of the snacks from the night as quickly as he could.
“Alright, bud. You ready for bed?” he asked quietly, ruffling Christopher’s curls affectionately.
“Mhm.” He pushed himself up from the couch with a yawn and started towards the hall, when he suddenly stopped. “Hey, Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“About you and your Tom Cruise thing…” Eddie felt his heart picking up speed behind his ribs, practically thundering in his ears. “Do you… I mean, are you…”
He trailed off, and Eddie took a deep breath, preparing himself to confirm his son’s suspicions.
“You know he’s a scientologist, right?”
“What?” It was safe to say that was not what Eddie was expecting.
“Yeah,” Christopher nodded sadly. “Like a hardcore scientologist.”
Eddie did, in fact, know that, but he couldn’t exactly tell Christopher he only liked Tom Cruise because he was hot and Eddie liked his movies.
“Oh. That’s too bad,” is what he settled on.
“Sorry.” Christopher looked genuinely apologetic, and it just made Eddie love him even more.
“Goodnight, Christopher. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
—
December 2024
“Would it be okay if I went to Nick’s house for a couple hours?” Christopher asked politely, glancing around the room at all of the adults.
“Oh,” Helena began with a click of her tongue. “Christmas is in just a couple of days, don’t you think his family might not want company?”
“No,” Christopher shook his head. “His mom said it’s okay if I come over! She really likes me.”
“Well…” Helena blinked rapidly, clearly trying to find a way to tell Christopher he couldn’t go.
“It’s fine, Chris. You can go,” Eddie jumped in before Helena had the chance to object. Her eyes snapped to him while Christopher thanked him.
“Honey, don’t you think you spend a bit too much time with Nick?” Helena asked carefully, wringing her hands in front of her.
“What? No? He’s my best friend, after Denny.”
“Who’s Denny? I never hear you ask to hang out with Denny.”
“He’s my best friend. In L.A.” From Christopher’s tone, Eddie could tell this wasn’t the first time he’s explained this to her.
“No, no. You know, I think it’s great that you have a best friend here in El Paso,” Helena rushed to soothe, and Eddie bit his tongue. He knew she was just backtracking because she wanted to bulk up the list of reasons for Christopher to like living in Texas. “I just think it would be nice if you hung out with other people every once in a while.”
“Why? What’s wrong with Nick?”
“Nothing. You two just seem very… close. Very close for two boys who are friends.”
“Of course, we’re close. We’re good friends…” Christopher looked and sounded thoroughly confused.
“I think she’s just saying maybe it would be good for you to hang out with some girls your age,” Ramon interjected, gesturing between Helena and Christopher. “Maybe you should get a girlfriend.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes on his father before glancing back at his mother. Her lips were pursed, nodding gently.
—
December 2010
“I was wondering if I could hang out with Oscar after school tomorrow. He wanted to get food and go shopping for his mom’s birthday.”
Helena paused, unfolded and freshly-washed socks dangling from her hands. Her mouth twitched slightly at the corner, an unpleasant thing.
“I thought you were hanging out with that new friend of yours tomorrow. Shannon.” Her tone was casual but the look in her eyes said otherwise.
Eddie knew his parents had been excited to hear about his budding friendship with Shannon, but he couldn’t really figure out why. They hadn’t even met her yet. His best guess was because hanging out with her meant he would be spending less time with Oscar.
He could never understand why they seemed to dislike Oscar so much. Oscar was a good friend, a good student, a good person. If anything, Eddie would have thought his parents would be ecstatic to know he was friends with Oscar; he was a good influence on Eddie.
And at first, they did seem happy about their friendship— but that was short-lived. The closer Eddie and Oscar became, the more their appreciation for his friend seemed to die, being replaced with dislike, then outright contempt.
It had gotten to a point where Eddie felt like he had to tip-toe around any reference to his best friend, nervous to ask if he could spend any time with him, becoming an expert in brushing off their subtle jabs and sideways glances.
“Yeah, well— She’s busy doing something with some of her other friends tomorrow, so we’re just going to hang out some other time.”
Helena hummed, her displeasure palpable.
“Why don’t you just hang out with her and her friends, then?” Ramon’s voice sounded over his shoulder, making him jump in surprise. He turned around to face his dad.
“I just… I would rather hang out with Oscar,” Eddie replied, his voice small. The look on his father’s face was spurring an unexplainable shame in his chest, familiar and uncomfortable. Eddie shifted his weight on his feet.
“Well, Eddie,” Helena sighed, “How do you ever expect to get a girlfriend if you’re spending all your time with Oscar? I’m sure Shannon would appreciate you wanting to become friends with her friends.”
“I…” Eddie shook his head, confused. “I don’t want to date Shannon. We’re just friends.” Shannon was nice, she had a good taste in music, she was the kind of person who was friends with everyone— everyone liked her— but Eddie didn’t want to go out with her.
“Just friends, like you’re friends with Oscar,” Ramon muttered under his breath, his voice cutting. Eddie snapped his head back around to face his father, his breathing getting heavier. It almost felt like he was panicking. He thought he might know what his dad was insinuating, but that couldn’t— Eddie wasn’t—
“How do you expect to ever marry a nice girl if you won’t go out with any of the nice girls you meet, Eddie?” Eddie turned to face Helena again, relieved at the distraction from his father’s words. He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn’t find the words. It was as if her question couldn’t even be computed in his mind.
“I don’t— I’m only seventeen. I still have time.” Eddie’s voice was practically a whisper, confused and empty.
“You’re already seventeen, Edmundo. You’re a man.” Ramon’s voice had Eddie turning, absent-eyed, to face him. “You should be dating, looking for a wife. Your mother and I met when we were your age. All you do is hang out with that Oscar, half the town thinks you’re gay.”
Eddie shook his head, swallowing hard. His father’s words slithered around in his chest like a tangible thing, poisonous and covered in spines, slicing him from the inside and shoving his organs around into all the wrong places, taking up the space where his lungs were supposed to be.
“I’m— I’m not—"
“So prove it,” Ramon interjected. “Go. Date a nice girl, settle down, get married.” He rested a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, looking him straight in the eye, his expression shining with some twisted form of fatherly support. “Like a man is supposed to.”
—
January 2010
“Hey, you want to hang out this weekend?” Oscar’s whispered voice drew Eddie’s attention away from the assignment on his desk, finding his best friend leaning closer from the seat beside him and grinning softly.
Eddie chewed on his bottom lip for a moment as he prepared his response.
“I can’t. I’m hanging out with Shannon this weekend.” Oscar’s smile fell slightly.
“Oh. Again?”
“Mhm.” Eddie nodded.
“Saturday and Sunday?” he asked softly. Eddie nodded again.
He wanted to cancel on Shannon. He wanted to hang out with Oscar.
“Is she your girlfriend now or something?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I think I’m going to ask her out when I see her on Sunday.”
He didn’t want to.
“Oh.”
Eddie nodded again, returning his gaze to the desk below him.
“We’ll hang out some other time then?” Oscar’s voice sounded hopeful. Eddie couldn’t bear to look at him.
“Yeah,” he whispered. It felt like a lie. “Some other time.”
—
March 2010
“So,” Shannon leaned in close so she could be heard over the music and chatter echoing through the room. Eddie’s stomach filled with dread, already knowing what was coming. He turned to face her, finding a nervous smile on her face, her cheeks colored in pink blush and her eyelids glittering to match her long purple dress. “You ready to get out of here?”
Eddie’s eyes dropped to the corsage on her wrist, not feeling able to look her in the eye.
No.
“Yeah. I mean, if you— If you want to.”
Please say you don’t want to. Please say you don’t want to. Please—
“I want to.”
Eddie looked up, seeing the giddy smile on her face. He felt a little mean for it, but at that moment, he hated it. She reached out, softly taking one of his hands in her own and guiding him to his feet.
As he followed behind her, he looked around the dim room, lit up in colored lights and covered in sparkling streamers. From the corner of his eye, he caught his friends cheering and whooping in his direction.
Eddie couldn’t help thinking he was glad Oscar decided not to come to prom.
—
“Eddie, what about you?”
Eddie was broken from his thoughts by the question. He looked around at his friends at their secluded lunch table, seeing them all watching him with various levels of smugness and teasing.
Except Oscar. Oscar was avoiding his eyes.
“What about me?” Eddie hadn’t been tuned into the conversation, unsure of what he was being asked.
“Did you… you know…” Zack waggled his eyebrows. “Do it?”
Eddie felt his cheeks flush hot, not wanting to answer but knowing the question had been coming. All of his friends had known he was a virgin, and they’d all been encouraging him to finally sleep with Shannon after prom— a bit cliché, but the pressure was real.
He nodded.
His friends cheered wildly, though Oscar remained quiet. Eddie tried not to notice.
“And?” Mark asked with a grin, drawing the word out expectantly. “How was it?”
“It was okay,” Eddie mumbled, shrugging.
“Just okay?” Zack asked, dumbfounded, his eyes wild.
“I mean— Good. It was good. You know,” he stammered out, trying to sound confident as he nodded his head.
But really, it was just okay. Eddie had heard a lot about what it would be like to finally have sex— of course, he had. It was high school. But despite all the hype, Eddie didn’t really like it as much as everyone else seemed to.
His friends cheered again, and Eddie finally chanced a look at Oscar. This time, he was looking back.
Eddie had never seen him look like that before— so closed off, so contained, so…
Sad.
—
April 2010
“Do you think we could… talk about something?” Eddie asked cautiously as he sat beside his father on the couch. He briefly considered abandoning his plan and making something up, but he had finally gotten up the nerve to ask, and he didn’t want to back down now.
“Of course. What’s up?” Ramon turned to face Eddie, his expression open and sincere. It gave Eddie the boost he needed to continue with his plan.
He took a deep breath.
“When you— I mean—" Eddie shifted in his seat uncomfortably, his cheeks warming. “When you’re… with a woman… do you ever… have a… hard time?”
Ramon’s expression turned knowing, nodding slowly.
“I think I know what you’re asking,” Ramon started, and Eddie immediately sighed in relief. “This happens to every man sometimes, and it can be embarrassing, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Just push through it, and it probably won’t happen the next time.”
Eddie nodded slowly, trying to let his father’s words settle in his mind.
“But if anyone asks, don’t tell them about it.” Eddie’s brows drew together in confusion. “It’s a male pride thing. Not being able to… get it up. People might see you as less of a man because of it, men are supposed to be able to please their women.”
Well, that wasn’t exactly Eddie’s problem. Really, he was young— he had more of a problem keeping it down. His problem was more that he just didn’t like doing it as much as everyone else did.
They way people talked about it— he thought it was supposed to feel amazing, but he sort of thought it felt better when he was alone than when he was with Shannon.
He supposed maybe his father’s advice still applied. Despite how he felt, he should just keep going. For Shannon— if that’s what she wanted.
That’s what a man should do.
Eddie nodded thoughtfully.
“Did that… help?” Ramon asked, eyeing Eddie carefully.
“Yeah…” Eddie replied. “Yeah. Thanks.”
—
Eddie followed his father’s advice.
Whenever Shannon initiated sex, Eddie went along with it— despite the fact that he never started enjoying it any more. And it wasn’t bad. He had an okay time. It felt good, Shannon was nice, and he always finished— even if he had to close his eyes and pretend he was alone in his bedroom to get there.
Because that’s what a man should do.
Sometimes he would start getting a bit more into it, but then Shannon would say something, or run one of her dainty hands down his arm, or her long hair would brush against his skin— and it turned him off a little.
Once, with his eyes closed tight, imagining he was somewhere else, trying just to focus on the way his body felt, the image of his best friend ran through his mind— briefly. Barely. Just for a split second.
A split second, and he was finishing with that image in his mind.
He couldn’t sleep that night, he couldn’t bring himself to speak to Oscar for a week after, he avoided any situation where Shannon might initiate sex for weeks.
Eddie was pretty sure he was broken.
—
May 2010
“So, what’re you going to do?” Oscar’s voice was hollow, and Eddie felt that same hollowness echoing inside his chest.
He looked across the lake in front of them absently.
“We talked to our parents. We’re going to get married,” Eddie replied flatly, the words still feeling unreal even as he spoke them out loud.
It was silent for a moment.
“I’m happy for you.”
It was the wrong response— they both knew it, but neither of them commented on it.
The silence returned.
“After graduation, I’m moving to Arizona. I got accepted to ASU.”
Eddie’s eyes were watering. He didn’t want to think about it. His chest hurt. He didn’t want to think about it. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to think about it.
“I’m happy for you.”
The wrong response again.
Minutes passed, no one spoke. And when the time came, their goodbyes were brief.
—
“You okay?” Shannon asked softly, coming to stand next to Eddie in the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Eddie nodded, pouring a glass of water for himself. Shannon said nothing, just waited silently. “Oscar’s moving to Arizona after graduation.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
Years of memories flooded his mind. Sleepovers and movie nights and whispered conversations and inside jokes. His best friend. The person who had known him better than anyone. The person he trusted most. The only person he wanted by his side.
“It’s okay. We weren’t that close anymore, anyway.”
—
December 2024
“There’s nothing wrong with his friends,” Eddie cut in harshly. He took a calming breath, and directed his focus towards Christopher. “You can hang out with Nick any time, Chris.”
Christopher smiled.
“Thanks, Dad. I’m going to get ready right now.” He hurried off in the direction of his room, pulling his phone from his pocket with an excited grin.
When he was finally out of hearing range, Helena spoke up.
“You know, you shouldn’t just jump in and tell him he can do things like that.”
Eddie turned toward her with narrowed eyes.
“I’m his father. I can do what I want.”
—
At this rate, Eddie was going to memorize the appearance of the ceiling above his bed— every chipped spot of paint, every stain.
He huffed out a sigh and closed his eyes, turning over and shoving his hands under his pillow.
After what had happened earlier that day, Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about his best friend from high school— Oscar. In retrospect, with everything he knew now, Eddie was fairly certain he and Oscar had feelings for each other. And clearly Oscar had figured that out much sooner than Eddie; he was married to a seemingly very nice man in Arizona now.
Maybe that was why his parents hated him spending so much time with Oscar, maybe they knew. Or maybe they just suspected.
He could see the same patterns in how they talked about Christopher’s friend Nick. Did that mean they knew Christopher was gay? Did they suspect he was? Or maybe they just hated the idea of people in town thinking their grandson was gay— the way they hated the idea of people in town thinking Eddie was gay back then.
They truly hadn’t changed, his parents. The little remarks about him spending too much time with Nick, about how they were too close, how Christopher should have a girlfriend. Soon it would be that Christopher needs to grow up, be a man, find a nice woman and get married.
He thought of all the times in recent years that his parents had made similar comments about Buck. You’re so close, it’s just a little weird. Don’t you think you spend too much time together? How are you ever going to get married again if Buck is always hanging around? Of course you don’t think you need to get married again, you practically treat Buck like he’s your wife. It’s like sometimes you forget Buck isn’t a part of your family.
Eddie could only be grateful that he’d learned and grown enough not to listen to them anymore. He wouldn’t know what kind of person he would be if he didn’t have Buck in his life— and that was a picture he didn’t want to see.
In high school, he listened to his parents. He internalized their words. He questioned himself. He changed himself.
Not anymore.
When they would say those things about Buck, Eddie always shot them down.
It’s not weird, he’s my best friend. If anyone has a problem with Buck, I wouldn’t want them in my life. I’d rather have Buck in my life than get re-married. Buck is my family, our family.
And he meant every word.
Buck, who shared all of his secrets. Buck, who always picked up his pieces when he broke down. Buck, whose very existence brightened Eddie’s world. Buck, who had been raising Christopher with him practically since they met. Buck, who believed in him. Buck, who encouraged him. Buck, who filled their home with laughter and warm food and love.
Buck, who loved him.
Buck, who Eddie loved back.
Buck, who Eddie would kill for, would die for.
Buck, who Eddie wanted to spend every day with, for the rest of his life.
Buck, who—
Oh.
—
Christmas Eve 2024
The dining room was silent apart from muffled chewing and the occasional scratch of silverware against ceramic plates.
“Thank you for dinner.” Christopher broke the silence with a sweet smile aimed at Helena, which she returned politely.
“Of course.”
The silence returned, and Christopher looked at Eddie apologetically, sadly. Eddie shook his head. It’s not your fault.
The tense atmosphere and uncomfortable silence was his parents’ fault.
Christopher had spent the night before at Eddie’s house, something he’d been doing much more often in recent weeks, and when Eddie called him to go to his parents’ house for Christmas dinner, Christopher had approached, smiling widely, wearing festive, sparkling green eyeshadow.
Eddie thought it looked pretty, and brought out his eyes, but he knew his parents wouldn’t be happy. He’d made sure to compliment him, and gently warn him about any unkind words that may be aimed his way that night, but Christopher just thanked him and said he still wanted to wear it. Eddie just ruffled his hair, dropped a kiss to his forehead, and they were off to Christmas dinner.
Upon arriving, Chris had his face glued to his phone, so no one even noticed the makeup— but that didn’t last. At some point, Helena insisted they all take a photo together, and his parents finally saw Christopher’s eyeshadow. Ramon silently glared between Eddie and Christopher, and Helena just put the camera down, saying they could take one after dinner. Everyone in the room could tell she had no intentions of ever getting around to taking it.
They had sat to dinner in silence, despite Christopher and Eddie’s feeble attempts to liven the atmosphere and engage Helena and Ramon in conversation. After their first couple of tries failed entirely, they both gave up, busying themselves with the food.
Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about the 118 having a big family Christmas dinner together. He longed to be there with them, and as he chewed the bland meal in front of him, he longed for whatever Bobby, Athena, and Buck had cooked up. As he watched Christopher’s nose wrinkle with each bite, Eddie wondered if he was thinking the same thing.
After dinner, Eddie tried to gather everyone’s dishes and clear the table, but Helena just waved him away. She cleared every plate and fork, sighing and frowning like her life depended on it. Ramon, Christopher, and Eddie sat in silence while they waited for her to return with the pie she made.
“That looks amazing,” Eddie lied sincerely as she brought in the slightly under-baked looking pie.
She hummed.
“Thank you.” She set the pie down, beginning to dish some up for everybody at the table. “I worked hard on it. It’s been so long since we got to spend a Christmas with Christopher; I wanted everything to be perfect.” Her voice was tight, barely concealed hostility practically bursting from the seams.
Eddie recognized this, too. A guilt trip— and it was working.
“I think, maybe before pie, I should go wash my face. Then we can take pictures after.” Christopher’s voice was small and sad, eyes wide like a kicked puppy and looking toward Helena for approval.
“No, Christopher,” Eddie jumped in just as Helena began to smile. Christopher turned to face him. “You like your makeup. You keep it on.”
Christopher nodded, sad and grateful, and slowly began to eat the pie on his plate.
“Why would you do that, Edmundo? Don’t you want to raise Christopher to be a real man?” Eddie’s eyes found his father’s. “I just don’t understand.”
“No, you’re not doing that,” Eddie threatened quietly, his blood beginning to boil in his veins, burning through him.
“Doing what?” Ramon asked defensively.
“That! That real man bullshit. I’m not going to let you do that to him. I won’t raise him the way you raised me, and I won’t let you either!”
“What are you talking about?” Helena snapped. “We raised you well!”
“No, you didn’t,” Eddie hissed, feeling years of suppressed anger and shame and hurt rising inside of him like a tide— like a tsunami.
“How did we raise you then?” Ramon challenged, jutting his chin out, his glare like steel.
“To hate myself!” Eddie exploded, pushing his chair back and standing from the table.
Eddie was sure everyone sitting at the table had stopped breathing.
They had fallen silent, the sound of a Hallmark Christmas movie could be heard playing in the next room. He looked around at the faces of his parents, his son. Christopher looked sad and afraid— but lurking beneath it was that same bravery he’d always had. His son amazed him, and that feeling only grew stronger as he got older.
He and Christopher locked eyes.
A deep breath.
“I’m gay.”
Helena sucked in a silent gasp, and Ramon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. Eddie glanced briefly at Christopher, finding his eyes wide and jaw slack.
“This is that Buck’s fault, isn’t it?” Ramon muttered venomously, sneering.
“It’s not Buck’s fault. It’s no one’s fault.” Eddie gritted out. “I’ve always been gay, and you knew. I know you did!” Helena scoffed, as if she were appalled by the accusation, but Eddie didn’t stop. “You made me think there was something wrong with me, like I was broken, and if I could just change myself, and-and keep changing myself then maybe I could fix myself. You made me think everything about me was wrong and bad, and I won’t let you do that to him!” Eddie was nearly screaming by that point, practically hysterical, but he couldn’t contain it.
His chest felt like it had suffered a years’ long storm— tattered and soggy, wet with rot, heavy.
With a gasped sob, Christopher pushed his own chair back from the table and stood, rushing down the hall toward his bedroom. Helena made a move to follow him, but Eddie was faster, stepping into her path with a pointed finger.
“Don’t,” he spat. Her eyes narrowed into a glare, but she didn’t argue. Eddie turned and followed after Christopher, trying to regain control of his panicked breathing.
When he arrived at Christopher’s bedroom door, it was closed, loud sobs muffled from behind it. Eddie knocked hesitantly, and when no reply came, he slowly turned the handle and pushed it open. He peeked his head through first, preparing himself for the possibility that Christopher may tell him to go away, but all he heard was crying.
“Mijo,” Eddie started softly, stepping slowly into the room. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled like that.” He approached the bed where his son was curled into himself, and sat next to him. Before he could say another word, guilt lodged thickly in his throat, Christopher launched himself at Eddie, wrapping his arms tight around his neck. Eddie returned the hug, trying to resist the urge to crush the boy in his arms.
“I want to go home,” he sobbed into his shoulder, shaking violently and breaking Eddie’s heart with the sound.
“You— Do you mean our house?” Eddie asked, trying to tamp down the hope he felt. Maybe Christopher had finally decided he wanted to move back in with Eddie permanently.
“No, I mean home.” he cried. “In L.A. To our house, with you, and Buck, and Denny, and—“ He gasped around his tears, coughing wetly. “Please, I want to go home.”
“Of course,” Eddie soothed, feeling tears of his own welling in his eyes. “I meant it when I said you could change your mind any time.”
“I—" Christopher sniffled, pulling back slightly in Eddie’s arms. “I thought you were happy here, though. I didn’t want to make you upset.” Tears fell from his eyes as he spoke, dripping down his cheeks and onto his shirt.
“Buddy,” Eddie sighed. “I always wanted to go back. I thought you were happy here.”
“I’m not!” Christopher’s voice came out as a shout, and Eddie rubbed his hands soothingly up and down his arms. “I hate it here. I want to go home. I want to go—"
“Okay.” Eddie pulled him back in for another hug. “We’ll go home. We can go tonight if you want. We can go right now. Just say the word.”
A couple more soft sobs spilled out of Christopher’s mouth, his tears soaking through the collar of Eddie’s shirt.
“Right now. Let’s go right now.”
—
Christmas Day 2024
“We’re almost there. Are you excited?” Eddie asked with an easy grin, clicking on his turn signal.
“Duh. Are you excited?” Christopher returned, reaching out and turning off the radio. “Actually, scratch that. Dumb question. I know you’re excited.”
The tone in his voice had Eddie looking at him suspiciously.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, come on, Dad.” Christopher rolled his eyes. “You’re about to see Buck again.”
Eddie felt his cheeks flushing, his hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel.
“So? You’re also about to see Buck again.”
“Yeah, and I’m more excited than I can even explain— really. I missed my other dad a lot. But I’m not the one who’s in love with him.”
“I’m— I’m not—“ Eddie sputtered defensively, his voice having gone up a full octave. Christopher burst out a laugh.
“Right,” he dragged out sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “And we all believe you.”
Eddie scoffed, trying to find a retort but coming up empty.
“Whatever,” he muttered while Christopher cackled. “Oh, God. We’re here.” Eddie’s heart picked up its pace in his chest, his pulse thrumming in his ears. Christopher began bouncing up and down excitedly in his seat.
“Finally,” Christopher sighed, unbuckling his seatbelt and jumping out of the car the moment Eddie put it in park.
“Christopher!” Eddie called, hurrying to get himself unbuckled and follow after him.
He was barely halfway up the path to the door when Christopher began knocking, practically banging his fist against the heavy wood door. Just as he joined him on the porch, the door swung open.
“—calm down? Jesus, I—" Buck’s sentence broke off, blue eyes widening like saucers.
“Merry Christmas!” Christopher yelled, throwing himself at Buck and pulling him into a hug. Buck’s eyes dropped to Christopher’s head pressed to his chest.
“Chris?” he asked gently, arms coming up to wrap protectively around him. After a moment, he lifted his gaze. “Eddie?”
Eddie’s heart pounded forcefully, slamming against his ribcage. He stepped closer.
“Merry Christmas, Buck,” Eddie said softly. From the corner of his eye, he could see Christopher releasing Buck from his grasp and stepping around him into the house. Buck closed the gap, pulling Eddie into an inescapable hug and tucking his face into Eddie’s neck. Eddie closed his eyes, taking a moment to breathe him in.
“I missed you so much,” Buck’s breath fanned across his throat, and Eddie felt a chill run up his spine. He tightened his arms around Buck’s waist.
“I missed you, too. So much.”
Buck stepped back, his eyes scanning over Eddie’s face with disbelief, relief, and something else— something Eddie was a little afraid of, a little afraid he might be imagining.
“Come on, let’s get inside. It’s cold out here.” Buck grabbed one of Eddie’s hands and turned to walk back through the door, but Eddie remained still— gripping Buck’s hand tight in his own and tugging him back hard. Buck’s eyes widened in surprise, but Eddie refused to second-guess himself. He wrapped one arm around Buck’s waist, and used the opposite hand to cup his cheek, pulling him in and kissing him firmly.
For one second, Buck didn’t move. For one second, Eddie tried to be brave, hoping with his entire being that he wasn’t wrong.
In the next second, Buck was kissing him back, wrapping an arm around Eddie’s neck and pulling him in closer.
The kiss wasn’t slow and gentle. It wasn’t sweet. There were no fireworks. It was hungry. It was passionate. It was two people who should’ve never been apart, finally reunited after months of missing each other like they were missing a part of themselves.
It was relief. It was needy. It was coming home, when you had almost forgotten what home felt like.
It was what Eddie wanted the rest of his life to feel like.
“Hey, are you— Oh! God! Gross, you guys,” Christopher whined from the doorway, his voice splitting Buck and Eddie apart. They both turned to face him, breathing heavily.
“Sorry, we, uh— We’ll be right there.” Buck cleared his throat, nodding as Eddie spoke. Christopher grunted in response and waved a hand over his shoulder, turning and disappearing back inside.
Buck turned to face Eddie again, his cheeks flushed bright pink— matching his lips and the birthmark above his eye. A small breathy laugh escaped Eddie, and Buck quickly followed suit, the two dissolving in quiet laughter.
When it finally died down, they were both grinning widely, their fingers brushing against each other in the small space between them.
“So,” Buck began, his fingers curling gently around Eddie’s. “Are you just visiting, or…?”
“Why? You trying to get rid of us?” Eddie joked, and Buck laughed, his fingers squeezing around Eddie’s. “No. We’re staying.”
“Yeah?” Buck’s thumbs rubbed softly over the backs of Eddie’s hands.
“Yeah.” Eddie smiled, letting himself get lost in the warm glow of Buck’s presence. “It’s good to be home.”