Chapter Text
“We’re getting this one,” Jackie says, flippantly throwing a box of Lucky Charms in the grocery cart. She looks back at Shauna, grinning. “Your favorite.”
Shauna ignores her, studying the aisle. But Jackie’s right, none of the other cereals stand out to her. She likes the marshmallows, not the healthy crap Jackie’s parents keep in their cupboards.
That’s the annoying thing about Jackie—Shauna shouldn’t actually be annoyed at her. Jackie knows Shauna’s favorite cereal, so she’s going to toss it in the cart without checking if Shauna actually wants Lucky Charms for tomorrow morning. Because she knows she does.
Shauna just wishes Jackie would ask. That she could believe Shauna has some capacity for change in the last twelve years they’ve known each other.
Shauna’s eyes catch on Cocoa Pebbles, and they aren’t as good as Lucky Charms, but maybe Shauna just hasn’t given them a chance to be. But by the time she opens her mouth, Jackie’s already skipped out of the cereal aisle, and the only clue Shauna gets to where she went is her leftover ponytail from practice rounding the corner.
Maybe the best way to prove to Jackie that Shauna’s different now would have been to tell her she couldn’t sleep over this weekend. That thought hasn’t really crossed Shauna’s mind before. She likes sleepovers with Jackie. Their limbs tangle in her bed as they watch an old 90s movie, eating the share sized candy bags they always buy right after practice. Shauna just hates the part before the sleepover, the mandatory party that includes Shauna embarrassing herself by getting drunk off a drink and a half after Jackie and Jeff run off to have their little love story by themselves.
She moves to go tell Jackie she can’t come to the party. She really does. She plans out the whole conversation in the five seconds it takes to get to the end of the aisle. Sorry, I have to study. You can meet me at my house when you’re done, though?
Jackie will pout and beg, but if Shauna really digs her heels in and reminds her she can still hang out after the party then—
Shauna’s back pocket buzzes. She stops, right in front of the gross cereal that doesn’t have any sugar in it, and reaches for her phone.
It’s a notification from Twitter.
J @lovergrl: I’M OBSESSED WITH YOU
Shauna should probably be concerned by a total stranger professing their love for her. There must be something fucked up with her, because she smiles, instead.
It falls when a second later, a text from Jackie comes in: Where r u??????
Shauna looks around the corner in time to see Jackie spinning, standing on the bottom of the cart like a lost child. She catches Shauna’s eye and glares, now looking like a disgruntled parent, beckoning Shauna forward with her hand.
“I got us a new pack of Liquid IV,” Jackie says once Shauna reaches her. “We’re going to need it for tomorrow’s practice. Seriously, Coach Martinez knows what high schoolers do on Friday nights, why the fuck would he schedule a Saturday practice?”
“Right,” Shauna says, and this is her chance. She’s supposed to say she’s not going to the party. She has to study (sort of. Her only test next week is AP Bio and she thinks she’s got it in the bag, but it can’t hurt). Instead, she stands awkwardly as Jackie grabs a pack of Gatorade for good measure.
Shauna doesn’t say anything even as they check out. Jackie starts talking about the brown dress she’s going to wear.
“It’s perfect for fall,” she says. “Not that it becomes fall in New Jersey until, like Halloween, but whatever.”
“I’m sure it looks great,” Shauna says. She knows it does. She was with Jackie when she bought it at the mall yesterday.
Jackie beams, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “You’ve gotta wear the boob dress, though. I can’t be the only one dressed up.”
“I dunno.” Shauna bags the groceries while Jackie scans them through self-checkout. “I was actually thinking of not going tonight.”
Jackie laughs. “Sure, Shipman.”
Shauna slams the Liquid IV in the bag. “I’m serious. I have to study.”
Jackie stops mid-scan with the muffins she bought for herself. “Come on. I don’t want to go alone.”
“You won’t be alone,” Shauna grits out. She grabs the muffins, puts them in the bag, and hoists it onto her shoulder. “You have Jeff.”
She walks toward the exit, and there’s a pause until she hears the patter of Jackie’s steps following her. “It’s not the same. Jeff’s so annoying at parties.”
Jackie doesn’t act like it. She gets sucked into Jeff’s orbit and forgets Shauna actually did come alone, since she has barely two friends outside of Jackie, and they don’t come to parties like the ones Jackie and Jeff are invited to.
“You can meet me at my house when you’re done,” Shauna says, putting the groceries in her car. “I can drop you at home and then bring these there, and we can do what we always do. Just without me at the party.”
Jackie’s silent as they get into their respective seats—Shauna always driving, Jackie always in the passenger’s seat. She’s trying to wait Shauna out. Shauna cranks up the volume on her car’s stereo instead, only slightly smirking when Jackie winces at the whining of whatever came on shuffle.
“Your music sucks almost as much as you do,” Jackie mutters.
“You can meet me at my house,” Shauna repeats. “You can still sleep over before practice.”
They drive the rest of the way to Jackie’s house, and the second she parks, Jackie flings the door open.
“Fine,” she bites out. “Have fun abandoning me.”
“That’s not what’s happe—” Jackie cuts off Shauna’s sentence with the slam of her car door. It makes the whole car shake. Shauna glares as Jackie stomps up to her front door, unlatches it, and makes a point to slam that one, too.
Shauna’s doorbell rings at 8pm.
She looks up from her laptop to glance out the window, and oh great, there’s Jeff’s car in her driveway. The audacity he has still manages to shock Shauna even after witnessing 4 years of on and off dating between him and Jackie.
As she sets her laptop down, the doorbell rings again, and there’s a frantic knock on the door. Shauna rolls her eyes and glances in the mirror. She looks terrible, since she’d taken a nap after the grocery store run, so her hair is all over the place and her eyes still droop. She runs down the stairs anyway, just as Jeff starts off another round of knocking.
She grabs the door and yanks it open while his fist is still up, narrowly missing punching Shauna in the face. She wishes he did; if Jeff punched Shauna, there’s no way Jackie would ever stay with him.
“Shauna, you have to come.” Jeff’s giving these big eyes that are probably supposed to be cute but make Shauna want to whack him. “Jackie’s in the worst mood I’ve ever seen, she’s being a total–”
“You shouldn’t finish that sentence,” Shauna says.
Jeff clears his throat and looks anxiously back at the car. Jackie’s sitting shotgun, arms crossed over her chest while she looks out her side window. She’s not wearing her brown dress.
Shauna gives Jeff a fake smile. “I have homework. Can’t come.”
Jeff begins to turn, but as soon as he does, Jackie’s getting out of her car and stalking over.
“Shauna, you’re coming,” she says. “You don’t have to wear the fucking dress, but we’re going together.”
“I have homework!”
Jackie rolls her eyes and barges through the front door. She grabs Shauna’s hand on the way, dragging her to her room.
“Just put on jeans and a flannel. It’s lowkey anyway, and we can leave by 11.” Jackie throws the jeans Shauna wore to school that day and one of her shirts from her closet at her. The shirt lands on top of Shauna’s head like a hat.
“I have a headache,” Shauna lies as Jackie digs through her closet for a flannel. “I’ll throw up if we go.”
“That’s part of the fun,” Jackie says, then starts goddamn pulling at Shauna’s shirt. And Shauna, completely dumbfounded, lets her push it over her head until she’s standing in her bra, and then replace the shirt with a black one and the red flannel. It matches the top that Jackie’s wearing. Not that it means anything.
Jackie, thankfully, doesn’t move to take off Shauna’s pants, and instead rummages through the jewelry scattered across her desk. She pauses at a necklace with a butterfly on it, then shakes her head and puts it down. Then she hesitates, and turns back to Shauna.
“Jeff is being horrible,” she says. “Ever since he found out you’re not coming, he’s been begging for us to have sex every other minute. It’s driving me insane, and I need you in the car so he doesn’t do something that really pisses me off.”
Shauna’s mouth twists as she pushes her sweatpants off and pulls the jeans on. They feel so uncomfortable in comparison. But she does it anyway, and accepts the gold bracelet Jackie places on her wrist.
Jackie and Jeff having sex isn’t something Shauna ever finds pleasant to think about, but Jackie talking about it now especially makes her stomach turn. She’s been trying to subtly tell Jackie she can do better for years now, but Jackie’s insistent that first boyfriends are important, and that Shauna will understand once she gets one.
If you ask Shauna, Jackie and Jeff were done in sophomore year when Jackie caught him two inches away from kissing another girl at a party. He’s now banned from going to any party without her, and by tandem, Shauna. It was their longest breakup to date, lasting a whole three months before Jeff crawled after Jackie in the hallways holding flowers for long enough for Jackie to forgive him.
“It wasn’t actually cheating , ” Jackie justified to Shauna at practice after she accepted roses from Jeff for the first time. “I’ll just need to keep better track of him. I’ll keep him on a leash .”
Sometimes, when she’s feeling really low, Shauna feels a bit bad for Jeff. She knows what it feels like to be on Jackie’s leash. She’s on it right now as she’s tugged out of her bedroom and into the backseat of Jeff’s car. She wishes she could tell him he would probably do better in a relationship that doesn't have Jackie in it, but Shauna doesn’t know how to say it without insulting Jackie in the process. It just goes against Shauna’s morals to even imply Jeff is better than Jackie.
Jackie’s in a noticeably better mood now that Shauna’s in the car. She sings along to the radio, even dances a bit in her seat, wiggling and waving her arms at Shauna. Shauna can’t fight back her laugh. Her annoyance at Jackie becomes a distant thrum deep in her body, and she reaches her hands to twine their fingers together, swinging their arms to the beat of the music. Jeff is just a figure in the background, driving the car, someone to help Jackie and Shauna get from Point A to Point B and nothing else.
Shauna wishes her life were always like this. Just her and Jackie, happy, together.
Then Jeff changes the song, Jackie snaps at him, and Shauna puts her head against the window.
This party is exactly like every other one. Jackie and Jeff spin in the middle of the room, making sure everyone gets an eyeful of them. Jackie’s hands are looped around his neck and she whispers something almost directly into his mouth. Shauna stands against the wall, alone.
Shauna’s sure Jackie’s complaints were real. Jeff’s an asshole, and Shauna’s been in the same fucking car as him while he asks Jackie not so subtly to have sex. She wishes Jackie would just break up with him over it rather than pull Shauna deeper into their mess.
A buzz comes from Shauna’s hand, and she glances at her phone. Someone liked the newest chapter Shauna wrote.
She smiles and pockets it once again.
Yeah, Jackie has control over most of Shauna’s life. Her day has become catered to Jackie; she picks her up in the morning, let Jackie choose her study hall times so they’re together, joined soccer so Jackie didn’t have to try out alone, and drives her home. She comes to parties she doesn’t like because Jackie’s too complacent to let her asshole boyfriend go.
But Shauna does have one thing Jackie has no control over. She made sure of it, because the only way to make sure Jackie doesn’t get something Shauna has, Shauna has to keep it secret.
And there’s no way Jackie knows this. She clears her Internet search history. She logs in on a private browser. She watched the show on a website that probably gave her a virus so Jackie wouldn’t see it in her Netflix history.
Shauna Shipman is a semi-popular fanfiction writer for a TV show about lesbians who get stranded in the woods, a show Jackie would never dream of watching if she didn’t know Shauna saw it first.
She has people who like her for her, and not because she’s Jackie’s best friend. People think she’s smart and tell her she’s a great writer without a backhanded compliment thrown in. She’s reached for something outside of Jackie’s grasp, and she’s gotten it.