Chapter Text
Evan Hansen couldn’t get into his locker.
Jared stood in the way, arms crossed, and explained to him what he wanted.
“Well, are you really sure I should go?”
“You actually have to. Or else.” Jared Kleinman wasn't an intimidating person, unless you found everyone on the planet intimidating.
And Evan found everyone on the planet intimidating.
“I believe her exact words were: ‘I don’t care if you bring the biggest loser in school, just fill my fucking living room, Klienman.’ I’m invited, and I need to bring at least three people. My cooler, other friends are going, and you are too. Re-qui-erred.” Jared jabbed him in the shoulder with each break in the last word. Evan got the message.
“I really don’t know. It’s just, I’m going to be really busy that weekend because I’m - well, because I’m - ” Evan’s mouth raced ahead of his fidgeting hands as he spoke. He absolutely could not go to a party.
“ - Jerking off?” Jared interrupted his excuses. “Come to this fucking party, or I will tell everyone in AP Plants that you were skipping for a hentai convention.”
Biochem was the only class Evan actually spoke in. Jared called it “plants class for Evans” and was not doing well.
“A what?”
“You’re going.” Jared didn’t give him a chance to respond, turning and walking away.
So, Evan was forced into going to his first, and hopefully only, party of his high school years.
He stared awkwardly into his bathroom mirror. He felt sort of like a girl, patting his hair down and prodding his eye bags. Had he always been this pale?
He hadn’t been able to focus through his homework that day, picking at the edge of Frankenstein and not observing a single word. When his mother heard that he had gotten invited to a party that day, his fate was sealed.
As soon as he saw the excitement in her eyes, he knew he was going.
“Evan, honey!” Evan jumped. His mother stood in the doorway, smiling.
“Ooh, is that what you're going to wear? I could maybe rummage through my closet, see if I have anything for you to borrow?” She gushed.
“It’s not a costume party, Mom.” God, he really wished he didn’t need to do this. It was already humiliating, and he wasn't even there yet.
“Well, I just thought you might want to look a little nicer.” She breezed past him into the bathroom. She smiled at him in the mirror, as if to say *See! This is how you do it!* “Who knows, you might meet some new friends tonight!”
“Jared invited me, Mom. And he only did because he needed to bring three people to get in. I’m not going to ‘make new friends.’”
“Don’t think so negatively, honey.”
“Right.” He certainly tried. But he had no reason to. Since he had resigned to going, he was going through elaborate ways to escape detection at this party. Maybe he could just hide in a closet all night.
His mother was scanning his face, her smile gone. Her expression was tight, and he knew he was making her sad again. He always let her down. He wished he could be the kind of kid who was excited to go to a party - hell, even the kind of kid that drank or snuck out. But instead he was the kind of kid who had no friends, and no personality.
He knew he stressed her out, but he couldn’t stop. He wished he could stop being himself.
“Evan,” his mother said softly. “Please just try to have some fun, okay?”
“I will, Mom.”
“Alright.” She let out a quick sigh and straightened up. “I need to take care of some emails, and then we’ll go, okay?”
“Okay.” He sighed as he heard the door click. Wait? Did she think she was driving him?
He felt like an asshole again when Jared’s car screeched to a stop two houses down.
His mom was still bent over her computer, fifteen minutes after she had said they would leave.
Jared had already cornered Evan a few days ago to tell him that he would be giving him a ride to ensure that Jared was seen entering with three bodies.
“After that,” he had said, blocking the way to Evan’s locker, “I don’t give a shit what you do.”
As Evan grabbed his phone and a hoodie, he went over to say bye to his mom.
“Oh!” she said, looking up from her laptop. “I’m sorry honey, the nurse’s scheduling is all… I could have taken you, though?”
“I know, just - Jared had said he would.” He knew she wanted to have, like, bonding time or something. But he also knew that she was busy.
He still felt like an asshole as he let the door swing shut, leaving his mother alone under the single, tinny light in the kitchen.
“Jared?” he called out to the boy who was about to confidently ring the wrong doorbell. “Did you forget where I live?”
“No. Fuck you. Get in the car.”
Evan got into the car.
“Dude, is that the fucking cast kid?” The boy in the passenger seat asked Jared as he got back into the car, not bothering to put on his seatbelt.
“He’s a family friend. My mom made me invite him for thirty bucks.”
This wasn't exactly true, but Evan didn’t say anything. He sat awkwardly, trying to keep as much personal space between him and the dark-haired girl in the backseat who was pointedly on her phone.
“Not fucking worth it, dude. Why didn’t you invite Tiffany?”
“She’s going with that Josh guy.”
“Oh, fuck that guy.”
“Yeah, fuck that guy.” Jared nodded, taking a too-fast turn.
Evan had no idea what they were talking about. He tried to tune them out and focus on his Party Plan instead:
Number one: locate a hiding spot.
Number two: hide.
Seemed pretty good to him.
“Heather, directions.” Jared demanded, and the girl put her phone away to cuss out Jared.
“ - twink bitch. Turn here.” The car screeched all the way to a stop before Jared executed a terrible three-point turn in the empty road. Evan held on to the cup holder for dear life as he watched the car skid through two lanes at a time.
“We’re here, that’s her place,” the girl said, returning to her phone.
Evan wondered how Jared was friends with this girl. And the guy in the front seat. How do people like Jared make friends? Did he just say, *Hey, I’m an asshole!* and they both went, *Me too!*?
Before he could ponder more on that, though, the car gently tapped against a mailbox as it parked in a cul-de-sac full of other cars that Evan vaguely recognized.
Holy shit. He was here. He had made the Party Plan, but he still wasn’t prepared enough. There was light coming from every room except one, in the very top of the house. Kids were milling on the porch - and holy shit Evan thought they might be smoking cigarettes. He saw little glows in their hands, outlined in the darkness.
Was he about to go to jail? He imagined what would happen to him if the cops got called. He’d have to join a prison gang. Would he join the Aryan Brotherhood? He wasn't sure he felt comfortable doing that, but what other choice did he -
“Are you getting out?” Jared's friend asked him, slamming the door. All three of them stood on the sidewalk, looking at him freak out in the backseat.
“Ah, yeah, sorry. I was just - ” They weren’t listening anyway, so he didn’t bother coming up with an excuse. They already thought he was a freak.
He scrambled to get out of the car. Jared and his friends were already walking up the sidewalk towards the house. The girl called out to some friends, and they seemed excited to see her. Yelling and stuff. Evan wondered if he had to wave at the house too. Jared and the guy didn’t do it.
Maybe it was a girl thing.
Jared hung back a little. “Don’t do anything weird, okay? You're not, like, here with me, but I invited you and I don’t want to have to deal with your shit. And don’t tell Tiffany I brought you.”
“Who’s Tiffany?” Evan was asking, but Jared had already followed his friends inside. Evan went inside too.
Jared had made it seem like there was going to be someone checking for his attendance at the door, but there was nothing like that. Instead, everywhere he looked, there was something that looked so stress-inducing that he wanted to cry.
At the counter, a round of boys took shots of some sort of alcohol, while a barely clothed junior sat on the counter. Holy shit, her boobs were in that guy's face and she was just, like, laughing. On the couch was a couple squirming, so Evan immediately looked away from that… cans littered the room, bottles lined the tables. Some kids sat on the stairs, directly in front of him, eyeing him and blowing smoke.
So, that dark room upstairs was out. He needed to find a hiding place… but that meant going through the clusters of people everywhere.
“Evan Handerson? I didn’t think you went to parties.” A girl said, very, very fast. It was Alana Something. Evan knew that he should probably remember the name of one of the only few people who talked to him, but it wasn't his fault. The only time he had worked up the courage to ask, she had said it very fast and then launched into a speech about her AP course list. Besides, she had got his name wrong too.
“Oh, uhm. I don’t? Or, well I guess now I do. Or - ” Evan didn’t know what to say. He didn’t “go to parties now” because he’d only really been here five minutes and also never ever planned to go to a party ever again. But on the other hand he didn’t NOT go to parties, because, well… here he was.
“Well, I’m only here to take care of Steph, because I pride myself on being a good friend who always looks out for others. You know, I don’t like alcohol, because I’m going to a good college.” She cast a disapproving look around the living room and kitchen, taking a deep breath before speaking again.
“But, friendship is an extremely important thing to me, as I'm sure anyone can attest to.”
Did other people seriously talk like this? Every conversation he had with this girl felt like he was interviewing her, but minus the part where he asked her a question.
“Oh… okay.” She didn’t seem excited about his answer, and turned to look for someone else to listen to what a good person she was. Evan was again left to his task of completing Step One. Good.
He carefully crossed the room, focusing on his breathing. Nobody seemed to take any notice of him, too busy yelling and playing card games. He was glad.
He was so focused on finding an exit to the living room that he didn’t notice when he stepped directly on a half-empty Sprite can. He slipped and fell, hard, on the strip of hardwood floor where the rug didn’t reach. Shit.
Jared’s warning not to do anything stupid flashed in his mind for a moment, but nobody said anything as he tumbled to the ground.
Nobody said a word to him.
His eyes swam, and the party around him continued on, and he just lay there.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. He felt like there were hands around his throat. He couldn’t sit up.
All he could do was hear Jared’s voice from earlier, “Don’t do anything weird, okay?”
only now it sounded like the rustling of trees, and that empty forest under an uncaring sky, and oh, fuck.
He knew he needed to get up, and that meant he couldn’t just lie here on someone else’s floor, but all he could do was feel that lingering pain in his arm and think:
Nobody cares.
And right now, it’s a good thing, because it means nobody is calling him a freak, or telling him to get up and making him feel even more humiliated… So really, he can just lay here and then slip away and hide for a few hours until he can call his mom and have her come get him…
But is it really a good thing?
That he’s so invisible that even when he comes crashing to the ground in a crowded room, it’s like he didn’t make a sound?
His throat is tight as he finally gets up, and sits on his heels for a second. He wants to cry, and he definitely can’t do that here, crouching on the floor.
He needs that hiding place even more now. He gets up fully, stumbling a little. Still, nobody even glanced his way. He sees at the end of the living room, glass French doors standing open, to reveal a warmly decorated dining room. There were people scattered about in there too, concentrated around the table which had some strange smoking glass vase on it.
There, at the end of the room were two little doors. One was ajar, and there was no light behind it.
He kept his head down, heading straight for it. It was just like the hallways at school.
Make no sound, draw no attention to yourself. Stay to yourself, so you cant even have another interaction to fuck up.
Maybe wherever he went, high school would be there too.
He made it there, and waited for a second for someone to tell him not to go inside.
Nobody did.
And so, he slipped away.
He was in a small stairwell. The stairs bent back on themself, and he guessed that they led to a sort of basement. Leaving the party noise behind, he opened another door and flicked on a light.
It was definitely a basement. It looked like the family that lived here had gotten halfway through renovating it into a second living room. It still had the cave-like wall and ceiling that basements tended to have, and the concrete floor just had an old peeling rug thrown on top.
There were some old dusty gaming consoles and a big box TV, and an oddly sized couch that matched the ones upstairs. Boxes lined the walls, and there were random things like little girls’ bikes and an old grill just sitting in corners of the low-ceilinged room.
It was much more hostile than the warmly lit rooms upstairs, but Evan instantly felt calmer. For one, the party’s stench hadn’t followed him. And now – it was completely quiet.
It felt invasive to go sink into the couch, so instead Evan sat on top of an old step stool by the door.
He watched the door nervously for a minute, but then boredom called to him.
He opened his phone. He only had an iPhone 4, but it had enough storage for PDFs, if he deleted some photos. He had been really into this book he had downloaded off the library website, it was on the way mushroom spores grew on trees and allowed them to “talk” to one another. It sounded boring, but it was actually kind of funny.
He would read for a couple hours, and then text his mom to come get him. He would probably have to call her too, in case she had fallen asleep at the counter like she usually did. A flash of worry for his mother went through him.
He would wait for a few hours for sure. He wanted her to think he had had fun.
He had only gotten three chapters ahead when he heard a sound.
He froze. Oh fuck, could someone who lived here be coming down? It was so strange of him to be down here.
He stumbled up to his feet when he heard slow, shuffling footsteps.
Shit – he tried scanning the room for a hiding spot, but he didn’t have time to hide as the door came swinging open.
Thankfully, it wasn’t the girl who had invited Jared or her dad or something. It was worse.
The door swung open, and an intoxicated Connor Murphy stumbled into the room.
Evan’s usual low hum of anxiety spiked into genuine fear. This was the worst case scenario, worse than the police. Holy shit, the last time he had seen Connor Murphy, he had accosted him in the computer lab, stole his stupid therapy letter and then gave it to the first person he had seen. Luckily, that person had thought Connor wrote it, and threw it in the trash, which saved Evan a lot of embarrassment. Two days later, Evan heard all around the school that Connor had tried to kill himself. It was terrifying.
He froze, and for a moment he thought Connor would just charge right past him and he could slip away. Instead, Connor swayed and caught sight of Evan trembling by the door.
“Holy fuck, it’s fucking tree kid!” Connor lets out an insane laugh. “God, what a coincidence?”
Evan stared at Connor. Could he leave? The door was right there… but he was scared to move.
Connor looked the same as Evan remembered him. For some reason, he thought that someone who had tried to kill themselves should look really different afterwards. But, the only difference to Connor’s usual look of shoulder-length hair and layers of dark clothes was the lack of a bag and the presence of a vodka bottle clutched in his hand. It was half-full. Maybe a little less.
“Uhm. My name’s Evan.”
“You fell out of a tree!” Connor informed him.
“I. Yeah. I did.” Evan had. He scrunched his nose. Connor smelled like a skunk had sprayed him, all smoky.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Connor asked him, laughing a little. Evan cast a glance towards the door again.
Connor brought the bottle to his lips and drank. Not a lot, just a small sip. “It’s so fucking bright in here,” he continued, not waiting for Evan’s response. “Can you turn that light off?”
“Oh. Uhm.” Sitting in the dark with Connor Murphy sounded like the most terrifying thing he could ever do, but he also didn’t want to say no to him. Memories of their last interaction came to mind. Connor was really irrational.
Evan flicked off the light. There was just a gentle light coming from his phone, and that was all.
“So, you come to a party, and what? Sit in the basement and watch porn?”
“I’m not watching… I just came down here to text, to text my friend.”
“Right.” Connor said, disbelieving. Something he had said to Evan a while ago came to mind.
“There,” he had said. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”
Evan’s phone light went out from inactivity. He shifted uncomfortably as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.
They both stood there. “I had to come. Jared said that if I didn’t go he would tell everyone I was at a hentai convention, or something.”
Connor, surprisingly, laughed at that. “Oh, that was funny as fuck. Are you secretly funny Evan?”
“Uhm, I don’t think so.” Evan put his phone back in his pocket so he had both hands free to pick at his hangnails. It was an awkward habit, but at least he wasn’t an alcoholic.
“Well, you’re secretly something. Everyone is. Maybe you’re magic.” Connor said, inexplicably.
“I… what are you talking about?” How could Evan get out of this situation? If only his mom would call him and he could say he needed to go back upstairs or something… maybe he could pretend to get a call?
“The last time I talked to you I felt like such a mean asshole that I raided the bathroom and waited to die.”
The sentence made the room cold.
Evan couldn’t even choke out a response to that. Was Connor really talking about this? Why to him? Why was all of this happening to him?
But, those words had also awakened a tiny, curious part of his brain. The part that thought, “What would it be like to be that high off the ground?”
The part that thought, “How far would I fall?”
So, instead of bolting for the door and screwing the possible outburst from the unstable boy, Evan asked –
“Did you die?”
Connor moved in the dark, and Evan couldn’t exactly see him – but he felt him get closer. Evan froze.
“Yeah. For two minutes.”
“Did you… what was it like?”
“Oh, I saw a beautiful white light. Then, God came to me with a chorus of angels–”
“Actually?”
“Fuck no.” Evan heard Connor drink from the bottle again. “I’ll tell you what I really saw, if you answer me something.”
Evan nods, but then realizes that Connor probably can’t see him. “Okay.”
“I’m a fucking freak because I’m pissed off, and the world is better when I’m high. Nobody else likes an angry guy who’s high all the time. And it fucking sucks to be the guy nobody likes. So... But why are you such a freak?” Connor asks this question, and Evan’s heard it a thousand times before. He’s even asked it to himself.
But this was the first time it didn’t sound mean. It sounded like the drunk boy wanted a genuine answer.
It was the first time it wasn’t rhetorical.
“I’m scared,” Evan said. It came out sort of whispery.
“I’m scared.” He said again, slightly more confident. Maybe it was the dark, or the strange earnestness of Connor’s question, but Evan’s earlier apprehension of the other boy had softened slightly.
“I don’t really know how to talk to people? Or just, be normal? I’ve always felt like I’m just fucking everything I do up… and since I’ve felt like that for so long, I guess I gave up. I’ve never felt normal. I’ve never had a good conversation, or made a friend, or done anything actually cool. My mom’s always disappointed… I mean, when she comes home from work, that is. She works so hard for me, and I just…” He felt himself choking up again, just a little.
“I just am not… I’m not even worth it.”
Evan sees Connor’s outline nod.
“So… why don’t you just do cool stuff? You can't like, talk to girls or something but you can at least do something. Even like, the emo kids are friends with each other. You haven’t found anyone who likes… porn and trees?”
“That’s not what I… I don’t like… my personal interests are not just porn- or no, I don't like porn.” Evan blushes as he squeaks this out.
“Right. Have you ever kissed anyone before?” When Evan doesn’t respond, Connor tries something else. “Or drank? That’s cool?”
“Yeah, to you, maybe.” Evan says. If he could see his shoes, he’d be looking down at them. The embarrassment on his face is also obscured by the darkness, but there’s nothing that can do for the sweat he just broke out in.
“Fuck you!” Connor yells for a second. Evan jumped, terrified. Wait, what?
“Wait, I’m sorry. I’ll be nice to you, because you’re so sad and pathetic.” Connor says.
Evan really doesn’t know what to say. This weird conversation has gotten way too personal… Evan could already imagine school the next Monday. “Connor Murphy told everyone you’ve never kissed anyone and that you go to porn hentai conventions!”
The nightmare would continue.
“Have a sip.” Connor speaks again, and Evan squints in the dark to see that he’s holding out the bottle.
“Uhm, no thank you.”
“You literally just said… fuck.” Connor shakes the bottle a little. “Come on. All your… everyone drinks!” He seemed frustrated, like a kid whose plan didn’t play out how they wanted. Evan felt vaguely guilty.
“Well, I don’t really know how…” Evan starts. He doesn't really want to drink Connor Murphy Mystery Booze.
“How do you drink water?” Connor asks. Before Evan can respond, Connor makes it clear that was rhetorical. “It’s like that, you know how to fucking drink. Just do it.”
“I…” Evan says.
“You want to feel like nothing forever, or do you want to do something different?”
Evan hears Connor’s words ring in his ear, like a bell has been struck.
Slowly, his hand reaches up, and he feels himself taking the bottle from Connor.
Should he really just take a sip?
He brings the bottle to his lips, and–
“AGH!” Evan chokes as soon as the liquid hits his throat. What the fuck? There’s no way humans are meant to consume this! It burns! It was like drinking evil, harsh chemicals– oh god, what the fuck?
Connor laughs a little, and then he laughs a LOT. Evan stands there, humiliated again until he finally stops laughing. “Okay, maybe you really don’t know how.”
He chuckles a little bit, before taking the bottle from Evan. Great. Evan even failed at this, too.
“Let’s sit down.” Connor says suddenly, dropping to the floor.
Evan feels like he’s already resigned to this conversation. He’s made it this far, after all.
He sits too.
“Well, do you want to try again?”
“What?”
“Yeah,” Connor says. “I can’t finish the bottle by myself, I’ll get alcohol poisoning and fucking die. Besides, it’s not like it’s mine, I’ll share.”
“But didn’t you–” Evan checks himself. “I mean. Thanks.”
“Sure,” Connor takes another sip. Evan’s closer now, sitting cross legged across from Connor Murphy directly on the ancient carpet.
“Okay, so.” Connor whispers, leaning forward conspiratorially. Evan leans in to hear him better.
“So, some people like the taste, or can handle it, or whatever. You are not one of those people. So, you need to brace yourself, then drink hard and fast. The best way to get drunk quick is to chug. It’s just like taking all your shots at once. Chug for like, six… no, ten seconds, and you’ll be wasted.”
“Is that… what I want?”
“Oh, for sure.” Connor said, handing the bottle over again. Evan hadn’t found his advice particularly helpful, but oh well.
“I’ll count.” Connor said. That made him even more nervous. What if he fucked up again?
“O-okay.” He agreed, taking the bottle. He took a deep breath. He could do this. He could finally do something new.
He brought the bottle to his lips for a second time, and instead of taking a sip, he tried to gulp it down quick. It still burned, and his eyes watered.
Shit, had Connor started counting?
“–Four, five… are you still going?” Evan nodded, tears in his eyes. How the hell did people do this? “Six, seven, eight, nine, almost there… ten!”
Evan gasped, taking his final swallow. He set the bottle down. It was almost empty now.
“Holy shit!” Connor picked up the bottle, laughing surprisedly. “You must have drank like, ten shots worth!”
“Is that a lot?”
“Oh, yeah.” Connor said, finishing the bottle off. “You’re about to be waaasted.”
“Oh my god.” Evan immediately panicked. “I am?”
“Oh yeah! But don’t worry. It’s gonna feel great. You won’t be nervous anymore, either.”
“Am I drunk now?” Evan held up his hands to inspect them. He wasn’t super sure why.
“Maybe!” Connor said. “I definitely am.”
Oh no. Why had he done this? He was such a stupid, stupid idiot…
Evan laughed a little. It wasn’t really that funny, but he sounded really ridiculous in his head. “Stupid, stupid, idiot?”
“Yeah, those shots were put to good use. Now. What’s something else?”
“What?”
“I want to help you more.”
“This helped me?” Evan laughed a little. This was exciting. But what the fuck?
“Wow, you’re a hero. You got the nerd loser drunk. What’s next, crack?”
“See, you are funny!” Connor said. “But I don’t have any crack.”
“Would you do it, if you had it?” Evan asked, curious.
“Would you?” Connor challenged, cryptically.
“No.”
“But you’d drink my vodka? You have no idea where I found that.”
Evan is definitely drunk now. He can see those little swirling dots on the edge of his vision, like when he stands up too quick in the morning. Wow! He never thought he would actually get drunk before. It just had never really occurred to him, because drunk required parties, and also alcohol. And Evan just never did those things.
Wait.
“Where’d you… where’d you get it?” He asks, and finds his tongue strangely thick.
“The upstairs bathroom.” Connor says. “Parents always hide the good stuff when they go out and let the kid throw a party. It was under the sink.”
“Ohhhh. Oh.” How interesting. “You know–” He starts. “You know, it’s super weird that I’m here. Like crazy weird. But weirder- well maybe not weirder. But still, weird that you’re here.”
“I drove my sister here. She needed a ride, and I stayed to get drunk for free.”
“Your sister’s hot.”
Connor falls silent, and Evan knows he fucked up. Oh, no.
“Is that why you wrote that creepy letter? To my fucking sister?” His tone is clear as day. Evan is again terrified.
“No, I, wait I- ”
“And this is why nobody wants to talk to you. Because you talk like a fucking freak.”
“Wait, I didn’t mean that. Wait… I’m sorry. I… I didn’t–”
Connor doesn’t say anything. Evan gets scared again, and it’s made worse by the swimming shadows in the corners of the room. He feels fucking awful.
“Connor, I’m sorry, please still be my friend.” Evan’s voice became momentarily childish. He fights the urge to reach out to the other boy for forgiveness, like a little kid.
Connor is still silent.
“Let me help you,” Connor says, finally.
“Okay.” Evan immediately agrees. Nobody has ever talked to him this long, not really talked to him. Maybe his mother had, when Evan was a kid.
Or maybe his dad had.
“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” Connor asks again.
“No.” Evan says honestly. How could he have? He could barely even talk to most girls, even that Alana girl who talked at him sometimes. When could he ever have kissed someone?
“Do you want to?” Connor asked. Evan did want to. He wanted to kiss Zoe Murphy, to be exact, but right now he really didn’t want Connor to get mad at him and kill himself again, so he didn’t say that.
“Yes.”
“I’m guessing you don’t know how?”
“I… I don’t.” Why was Connor asking him this? Evan fought the urge to laugh again, although this time he wasn’t sure why. Maybe just because the basement was glittering now that Connor wasn’t mad at him anymore.
“Do you want to try?” Connor asked him, quietly.
Evan wasn’t sure how to answer. What did that mean? Did he want to try and kiss… Connor? Evan wanted to giggle again. He didn’t, though. He didn’t want his new friend to think he was laughing at him. He rocked back and forth a little. Maybe it was the alcohol, but now that Connor wasn’t getting all mad anymore, he didn’t seem like anything was scary.
Evan thought of how to respond. In all honesty, while he didn’t really want to say yes, he knew confidently he didn’t want to say no, either. Wait!
Could this be a trap?
Connor Murphy asks him to… to kiss. And if Evan says yes, he tells the whole school Evan is gay, and they all laugh at him for being gay. But Evan’s not gay.
Although, what if he says no and Connor yells at him? Evan hates being yelled at. Oh, he hates getting yelled at so much. His history teacher was always fucking yelling and he just had to stand there in front of everyone-
He was getting off track.
He never had kissed anyone before. And in the dark - Evan admits, Connor sort of looks like his sister. A bit taller, but their face’s shapes are the same. His hair is shorter, and less curly, but -
“Yeah.” Evan finally responded.
Connor didn’t give him a lesson first.
He was just leaning forward, and pressing his lips to Evan’s.
Evan just didn’t move. What did he do? Connor had one hand on Evan’s knee as he kissed him.
“That’s not right,” Connor said after a few seconds, pulling back slightly. “You’re like a lizard. Relax.”
Evan and the alcohol taking over his brain obeyed and relaxed. He unstiffened, and when Connor leaned back in, he didn’t purse his lips or do anything.
At first, he just let Connor kiss him. Connor’s lips were parted slightly against his, so he parted his too.
Then, when he had done that, Connor shifted slightly, moving closer and tilting his head lightly so their lips fit better together. Evan found himself putting both hands behind him to hold himself up. His head swam, and when Connor pulled back, he thought maybe that was it. He felt vaguely disappointed. He hadn’t learned anything.
But, after only a split second, Connor’s lips were back. He would press their lips together, and then pull back a little, before slotting them together from a different angle. Evan started to get the rhythm, and began to match what Connor was doing.
Evan felt his whole face heat up. They were actually kissing. Like, a lot. And it was pretty good. Connor brought his hand up to tangle in Evan’s hair, and Evan involuntarily gasped a little.
Connor pulled away for a second and Evan could see him smile in the dark. His smile was different from Zoe’s subtle one. It was intense, and sent a spark through Evan’s buzzing body.
“Good.” Connor said. He moved his other hand to Evan’s shoulder, and Evan let Connor and his momentum lay him on his back. This was so fucking insane. He did nothing to stop it, though, instead focusing on Connor’s hand cradling the back of his head as it touched the ground. Connor half-crawls on top of Evan, bracing his arms around either side of his face, and as he leans back in, his hair falling to either side of Evan’s face, Evan’s heart races in his ears.
Connor’s lips met his again, and they resumed their earlier pace. Evan couldn’t help from gasping again and again when Connor pulled back slightly.
Eventually, instead of pulling back, Connor kept Evan pressed to him, shifting and pushing into him. Evan felt completely helpless beneath him. He doubted that, even if Connor weren’t on top of him, he wouldn’t be able to get up or move.
His whole head was a golden soupy mess in the dark, and the only thing he could think or feel was Connor’s lips against his.
And it felt really, really nice.
To not feel anything except touched. To not feel nervous, or anxious, or sad, or scared. All he felt was Connor, and he hadn’t really realized it, but that was all he wanted to feel right now. He couldn’t think, at all. He felt like he was just listening to one singular instinctual voice in the back of his head, telling his dizzy body to move.
Evan opened his mouth wider, and the tip of his tongue brushed Connor’s lip. Connor smiled against him, but then sat up.
“Are you sure you want to - ” before he could finish, Evan sat up too and pulled him back to him. He figured he had gotten the general idea of how to kiss. Connor was now effectively straddling him, and Evan had two fistfuls of his shirt. It was exciting to be able to just act.
He might need to re-evaluate the “I’m not gay” thing, also. His mother would be delighted.
His breathing was fast as he slipped his tongue back into Connor’s mouth, and Connor responded with enthusiasm. Connor's jaw was clenched as they kissed, and his hands were tense as they rested on Evan.
Sparks flew.
They deepened the kiss, again and again. Evan couldn’t taste anything but the spice of the alcohol. The kiss became slick, and Evan melted even more into dizzy thoughtlessness. Evan could hear Connor’s heartbeat, or maybe it was his own -
Connor pulled away. A string of saliva connected their lips, and Evan slowly blinked his eyes open. He hadn’t noticed they were closed.
“I didn’t think that would happen,” Connor said. Evan’s lips wanted him closer again.
“Me neither,” he responded. “Thanks.”
“You’re like, like an omen to me.” Connor’s voice was hoarse, and he spoke in a low whisper. Still, he spoke urgently, like he needed Evan to understand. Evan listened, feeling the words swim through the air before hitting his parted lips. Both of their chests heaved in the blackness. “Like, I talked to you, and you were so… so depressing. And then I realized you are just like me. Except I was worse - because I wasn’t even trying to get better. I wasnt trying to be normal.”
Evan wasn’t sure what Connor meant. He was so far from normal. But he nodded anyways.
“You showed me something, Evan. Like, something important. I realized then that I was the problem. Or something, I don’t know. But still. You walk around that, that fucking school all by yourself - and had my name written on your arm. You’re like a beacon. I saw every step you took, and all I could think about is how I deserved to die.”
“Connor,” he was going to comfort him, but then realized that he wasn’t really in a position to. Who was he to say who deserved to die? Fuzzy images of trees flashed behind his eyes again, and he remembered.
“You never told me,” he reminded him, breathlessly. He had just remembered. “What you saw?”
“Oh, yeah.” Connor said. “My dad asked that too. Only thing he asked me, after. Did you know that? And here’s what I said to him, I looked him dead in the eyes and I said: I saw exactly what I deserve - Nothing.”
There's only the sound of their mingling breaths for a second. Evan sort of wants to kiss him again.
“But now,” Connor takes a deep breath. “I want to help you.”
Without thinking, Evan puts his arms around Connor’s neck. He feels like he’s in danger of falling over.
“Help you get better. So I can finally be a good person. And then we’ll both be able to… for real, have a friend.”
Evan isn’t sure why, again - but tears build back up in his throat. Soon, he’s letting them slip down his cheeks.
Connor had just done the one thing that Evan had always needed someone to do.
Make him feel like somebody cared.
He had never felt that. Sure, he knew his mom cared - but he felt like an asshole, because deep down, he never felt like she did. His dad hadn’t cared. Nobody at school cared. The world didn’t care about him.
And sure, maybe Connor’s statement came from a place of selfishness. He just was being nice to him to feel better about himself, or whatever.
But Evan felt like Connor cared. And also like he had just kissed him breathless, and was now sitting in his lap, staring into his eyes.
“I want that, too. We’ll help each other,” Evan said, tears still in his eyes. Finally, finally.
He didn’t feel like nothing.
He finally felt like something was different.