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It’s a cold night in the forest. Outside the tent, the wind whistles against the side of the canvas. The sound of distant yelling or maybe animal noises are swallowed up by the wind. Inside the blue pyramid, Mark and Helena are protected from the elements. The hum of the heater keeps them warm, offering them a soft light, red against the blue. They each feel the security in the other's arms as they reach for and kiss each other, sharing soft words.
It’s the kind of environment that makes her vulnerable enough to want to share a secret.
“I didn’t like who I was on the outside, I was ashamed.”
“Who were you?”
Helena hesitates. She feels the heaviness of Mark’s arm around her waist. His fingers are stroking the side of her hip. He’s shown her so much tenderness tonight. The least she can do is tell him the truth. She knows that this might cause this piece of happiness and warmth to blow up in her face, but she’s been known to have self-destructive tendencies.
Besides, how much longer can she keep up the lie? She wants him to know who she is. How much she’s started to care for him.
“Mark, I’m an Eagan,” she whispers, voice shaky.
His fingers stop moving, “What?” he asks.
“My name is Helena Eagan,” she says, a little louder, her heart pounding.
Mark's brow furrows, “You mean, your outie’s name?” He asks.
Helena shakes her head, her throat constricting and eyes burning, “I’m sorry.”
It happens in a flash. Mark sits up and moves to the opposite corner of the cot, trying to put as much space in between them. She feels the chill from his lack of body heat immediately.
“You’re a fucking Eagan?” he snaps at her furiously.
Tears spring to her eyes and she tries to hold them back. This isn’t the first time someone has left her bed in anger like this. But she hadn’t cared about them before.
“Mark, listen to me, yes, I am but-”
“But, what, why the fuck are you here?”
“After the OTC-”
“After the OTC?” he fumes. “You’ve been here this whole time?”
“The board wanted information-”
“And you came down to the severed floor to spy on us?” he fumes.
“You don’t understand, Mark. I didn’t have a choice.”
“The fuck you didn’t? You could have told us that immediately instead of some bullshit story,” he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Irving was right..” he trails off.
“How did you pull this off?” He asks.
Helena sighs, “There was a block placed on my chip. It’s called a Glasgow block.”
“Glasgow block.” Mark repeats, remembering a list from the security manual. He rubs his head where it’s starting to throb.
“Mark, I really am sorry. I don’t have as much…” she trails off as she struggles to find the words, “control up there.”
Mark keeps a hard, steady stare on her, “Oh, save it. Poor Helena,” he says mockingly. “You stole Helly’s body. Her identity.”
She scoffs, “It was my body first.”
“You told her she wasn’t a person!” He spits back, “Do you understand how that made her feel?”
She flashes back to the cord wrapped around her neck, airway cut off, grasping for something to hold onto in the elevator.
Shame encompasses her body. “Yes, I do actually,” she says, voice small, her hand reaching up to touch her neck. “I really do regret saying that.”
“And now you take something else that was meant to be for her. You’re selfish!” He yells at her, hoping to wake up Milchick and put an end to this whole facade. He starts gathering his clothes from the floor.
Helena can’t hold back the tears as they spill from her eyes. “Mark, wait. Those feelings she has for you. I have them too. I Just… I wanted to be wanted like she is.”
“Well, I only want her.”
The words hit her chest like a shotgun blast, and she buries her head in her hands. Sobs start wracking her body, “I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry,”
Mark pauses from pulling the underclothes up his body and looks over at her.
“Hell-Helena, wait, no.”
Helena looks up, her eyes rimmed with tears and chest shaking. He swallows and looks away from the way her breasts are moving with her heaving body.
She meets his eyes and starts whispering the compunction statement, in an attempt to tame her tempers.
He walks back over to sit next to her and places a gentle hand on her shoulder, “Just stop, okay. It’s alright. I just lost my temper,” he sighs. “It’s just… it’s a lot.”
She’s still shaking and having a hard time catching her breath, “I haven’t... told them.. anything,” she whispers, teeth chattering.
Mark can’t just leave her like this. He wraps his arm around her, “Helena, you need to breathe. I think you may be having a panic attack.”
She continues to shake and takes a ragged breath in. She tries to complete the compunction statement again, her eyes wide. Tears still fall freely from her face. Mark, despite everything, feels his dick start twitching. He tries to squash his desire by thinking about his anger and how he has just been betrayed. But then his mind wanders to how the events of the night had unfolded. How she had looked above him as she rode him.
His anger and desire leave him feeling conflicted. “Please,” she cries, “Just don’t tell Milchick you know yet.”
He shifts, uncomfortably. The more worked up she becomes, the more it feels like Mark is losing control of his own body. He wants to comfort her. He wants to make her cry.
Their faces are close again, almost touching. He leans in to kiss her, her lips salty and wet.
She pulls back in surprise. Mark just leans in to kiss her swollen cheeks, licking the tears tracks.
Helena had taken something from him. He wants to take it back.
His hand pushes her roughly down onto the mattress and he pushes his pants down his thighs, naked once again. Helena can see his erection and her breath catches.
“What are you..” she trails off.
“Shhh, I want to do this, just relax,” he says, pressing his lips to her neck.
She sighs at his touch, despite herself. His mouth moves roughly above her, kissing down her throat and collarbone, teeth meeting flesh with enough force she’s sure he’s leaving bruises. His mouth slides down her chest to her heaving breasts. He wraps his mouth around her nipple and nips at it. Helena hisses and arches her back from the mattress. A cruel mix of pain and pleasure courses through her. The shy and gentle Mark is gone, replaced by this one, hardened by anger and seeking revenge on her body. She lets him take her. It’s what she’s used to. It’s what she deserves.
“Mark,” she moans.
His hand shoots out to cover her mouth.
“No, you don’t get to talk right now,” he hisses at her.
Her eyes widen and tears spill out the sides again. She nods and he removes his hand from her mouth.
“Good girl,” he whispers and she shudders.
His hands grip her hips harshly and he parts her legs forcefully. He tries to line himself up with her center but she’s not as wet as before and he is met with resistance. He groans in frustration.
She brings a hand down to her folds trying to get herself more ready for him. He grabs her wrist roughly and holds it above her head.
He’d asked her not to speak so she opens her mouth for him, sticking her tongue out a bit. He gets the message, removing his hand from where he had it pinned. He nods at her.
She gets on her knees in front of him and braces her hands on his thighs. She reaches a hand to wrap around the base of his hard, red cock, precome weeping from the tip.
She gathers up saliva and wraps her mouth around his dick, taking him to the back of her throat. She hollows her cheeks as she sucks him. He moans and wraps a hand around her hair. She bobs her head and sucks and he jerks his hips into her. Tears spring to her eyes as she gags and pulls off with a wet pop. He pulls her hair roughly and she cries out as their eyes meet.
“Again,” he commands.
She nods and puts her mouth back on him. She sucks and the tears keep falling from her eyes. It seems to spur him on.
“Stop.” He says. And she freezes, removing her mouth from him. A trail of saliva falls down her chin.
Mark pushes her back down on the mattress. This time his cock slides in easily and she gasps at the stretch. He gives her no time to adjust as he starts thrusting into her harshly.
“Helena. You’re going to repeat the compunction statement to me,” he demands between hard thrusts.
She nods, “Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world… “
“You don’t mean it. Again,” he says, thrusting harder.
"None may atone for my actions but me and only in me shall their stain live on…”
“Again,” he groans.
Tears prickle with humiliation and shame as he forces her to repeat it.
“I am thankful to have been caught, my fall cut short by those with wizened hands.”
His thrusts are becoming erratic.
“Mark, please,” she cries.
“All I can be is sorry, and that is all I am.”
Mark looks down at her face and for a second all he sees is Helly. Her face, red and puffy from tears. The sad, determined look in her eyes. A red mane of curls fanned out against the pillow. Her lips parted and her breathing harsh and labored. He’s hurting her, he thinks. He’s hurting Helly.
He looks again and he sees Helena. Helena who snuck down to the severed floor. Who stood up to the woman in Mammalians Naturable to get information about Ms. Casey with that same determined look that Helly wears. Her soft voice when he asked if she was okay with helping. How she made jokes about the story Milchick had read to them. The way his heart was pounding sitting next to her by the fire.
They are different. They are the same.
With striking clarity, Mark realizes he cares for them both.
“Helena,” he says, voice cracking as he slows his movements, “look at me,”
She stares at him and is surprised to see his eyes are wet with tears. His hand finds her in the sheets, and he intertwines their fingers.
His other hand brushes up her thigh and his fingers land on her center, where they are still connected. She moans loudly as his fingers rub over her clit and his movements pick up again.
She watches him, eyes heavy with unshed tears, face feeling raw and hot. Mark keeps his thrusts steady, finding a rhythm that is comfortable for both of them. Between the movements of his hips and fingers, Helena can feel the pressure building in her core and she lets out a soft moan and hooks her legs to wrap around his thighs, trying to press him further into her.
They don’t speak but they aren’t quiet. Helena releases breathy moans and Mark grunts on top of her. They don’t kiss.
He increases the pressure on her clit, and she cries out as the waves of an orgasm rush through her body. They end up finding release together and he spills into her a second time tonight.
He collapses on top of her, sweaty, spent and misty-eyed. Helena instinctively wraps her arms around him and lets him rest his head in the crook of her neck.
Her thighs shake as he pulls out his softening cock and the evidence of his release seeps from her center.
They stay like that for a while, until Helena gets the courage to ask him, “What was that?”
Mark pulls back from her and rolls onto his side, to face her.
“At first, I wanted to hurt you and take control over what you stole from me and Helly…”
She shudders.
“But then, I started to think about how you have been helping us find Ms. Casey and maybe it was all a part of the ruse to get us to trust you, but I don’t think it was,” he runs a hand over her face.
"It wasn’t. It’s not.” She says.
“And I’m still hurt and confused but it occurred to me that I don’t care.”
“About what?”
“I don’t care who you are out there, I only care about who you are with me.”
One final tear runs down her cheek. Mark wipes it away with a finger. He sighs, “Look, I won’t tell Milchick that I know. But Dylan and Irving have the right to the truth.”
She stiffens and he rests his hand on her side.
“We’ll tell them together in the morning, okay?” He tells her with a reassuring half smile.
Her voice is small when she responds, “Okay.”
His other hand plays with her hair; he moves it over her shoulder and inspects the bruises that have bloomed on her neck.
“I’m sorry about these,” he says. “I kinda lost control, there.”
She shrugs, “it’s okay, I deserve them.”
He says nothing but chews on his bottom lip. He’s thinking of Helly, who doesn’t deserve them, but will wake up in her body wondering where they came from.
“We should get some rest,” he says finally. She nods and moves to get up from bed, but Mark keeps a hand on her shoulder, “Stay.”
She smiles, “This is my tent, remember?”
He lets out a small chuckle, “Right, I remember. Will you let me stay?”
She nods, “Yes.”
Mark holds her securely in his arms and sleep overtakes him quickly. Helena finds that she can’t quite relax enough for sleep. It feels inevitable. She's at the end of the line.
In the morning, after a restless night, she decides to make the trek back to Woe’s Hollow. She leaves him in bed and dresses quickly. Mark’s hair is a mess, and his nose is scrunched up against the pillow. It fills her with an affection she feels she doesn’t have the right to hold, so she pushes it away. She gives Mark one last glance before exiting the tent and setting off, letting the sunrise and Kier guide her hand.