Work Text:
PINK PEST
Casually walking along the bustling Diagon Alley, Lucius maintained a cool, neutral expression on his face while Coco, his extravagant, fashion-forward house-elf, incessantly criticized the outfits of the passersby.
"Absolutely dreadful, utterly demodé.", she pronounced with an authority of the Wizengamot's Chief, her voice dripping with disdain. "Those robes are so dull it 's painful to even look at them..."
In many cases Lucius wholeheartedly agreed with her ( thankfully, she threw away all the garments she deemed outdated or tacky from his own wardrobe the very first day she 'd arrived at the Manor ), but some of the wizards and witches she subjected to her highly critical fashion judgement didn't deserve such scathing comments that would 've surely made them burst into tears had they heard them.
Luckily for them, her inherent sense of decorum proved stronger than her outrage at their fashion choices, so she spoke only loudly enough for him to hear her, but even without being able to hear what she was saying, many of them turned to stare at her as they walked by: she wore a cleanly cut, stylish white day dress accesorized by a dazzling ensemble of Cartier diamond jewelry and shiny crocodile Birkin bag in a vibrant shade of pink that she called rose tyrien ( whatever it meant ).
"They 're jealous, naturellement.", she rambled on, her pavéd Love bangles jingling as she gesticulated. "That 's why they 're staring, although jealousy cannot be used as an excuse for such uncultured behaviour..."
Again, Lucius agreed, yet he also knew they stared not merely out of jealousy, but because they 've never seen a house-elf that looked like an escaped mannequin from Cartier's shop window, only he was smart enough to keep that thought to himself.
A sudden tug at the hem of his coat made him look down, where Coco had gone strangely stiff and silent beside him.
"Look.", she whispered tilting her head discreetly to the right. "That plump little woman in pink with fake brooch and shoes from the beginning of the past century is gawking very rudely at me."
He almost groaned when he spotted none other than Dolores Umbridge standing on the opposite side of the street, indeed gawking at his diamond-adorned elf and her flashy bag in Umbridge's own signature color.
"Who is she?", Coco asked already dissecting Umbridge's outfit in her mind.
"A high-ranking Ministry employee.", he sighed wearily. "And a very tedious woman."
"Oh.", Coco breathed out totally unimpressed by her apparently high rank.
"Do tell me, Coco.", he hissed glancing at Umbridge's face. "Why in the name of Merlin did you have to take this one out of all your Birkins?"
"Because it compliments my dress, of course.", she said matter-of-factly rolling her eyes in exasperation.
"Your dress is white!", he snapped. "So any of them would go well with it. You could 've taken the red one, or... or that horribly expensive Himalayan... Just not pink.
"Pardonne-moi.", Coco shot back. "How could I 've known that we 'd come across some crazy old witch obsessed with pink?"
To Lucius's horror, Umbridge started walking towards them in short, quick steps, the narrowed heels of her terribly old-fashioned shoes clicking ominously against the cobblestones, yet Coco was still preoccupied with her abysmal fashion choice.
"... such low-quality thread, so tacky.", she murmured glaring at the offending garment. "And the cut, sacre bleu, it is totally wrong-"
"Quiet, Coco.", he cut her off mere moments before Umbridge arrived in all her pink glory.
"Lucius, dear.", she greeted him with a falsely sweet smile.
"Dolores.", he replied with a small, respectful nod of his head.
"My, my.", she said moving her gaze downwards onto Coco. "I have never seen a house-elf so well-dressed and wearing so much jewelry. And that bag too couldn't have been cheap."
"Cheap?", Coco repeated narrowing her eyes into furious aquamarine slits. "Oh, non, non, madame. It is only one of the most expensive, most luxurious bags in the entire world.", she bragged. "It can't be bought just like that, and it takes time before one is deemed a potential buyer."
Judging by the rapid change of her facial expression from poorly faked politeness to barely concealed rage, it was clear Umbridge didn't take her haughty attitude well.
"Lucius, my friend.", she said totally unaware of his look that said he 'd rather be a Squib than a friend of hers. "This elf of yours seems a bit... straightforward, don't you think? Which, I must say, is highly unusual for a creature of her status."
Coco visibly bristled at the word creature and Lucius, predicting an impending disaster in the middle of the street, directed a sharp, warning glare at her before she could launch into another tirade that would 've undoubtedly caused them to end up on the Daily Prophet's front page.
"Miss Bijou is French, Dolores.", Lucius said trying to lower the growing tension. "Parisian, to be precise. She has a rather... refined taste in fashion."
"Does she now?", Umbridge asked observing Coco as if she was a particularly complicated puzzle. "And how did she acquire all these items, if I may ask?"
Coco, perceptive as always, didn't miss the accusatory tone of her high-pitched voice, and was, naturally, deeply offended by the very notion that she, Coral Bijou, might be a thief.
"I bought them, madame.", she said simply giving Umbridge a truly withering look. "Or rather, my Master had bought them for me with the help of my Parisian friends."
"Is that true, Lucius?", Umbridge asked staring at him as if he 'd gone mad ( which perhaps wasn't so far from the truth in his opinion). "Did you really buy such... extravagant gifts for your house-elf?"
He was about to open his mouth to say yes, then spin a tale that they were a reward for her exquisitely performed services, but once again, Coco was quicker.
"They are not gifts, madame.", she said holding her Birkin closer after noticing the longing glances Umbridge cast at it. "But a lady's necessities."
"Necessities?", Umbridge repeated as her beady eyes flitted between the elf and Lucius.
"Oui.", Coco said nodding her head, her tone deadly serious. "I have nineteen Hermés bags in total, sixteen Birkins and three Kellys. For now. And my Cartier collection is one of the most extensive in all of France-"
"That would be quite enough, Coco.", Lucius interrupted her trying to avoid further humiliation.
Coco's haughty name-dropping served only to confuse Umbridge even more, for it was obvious she wasn't familiar with luxury fashion and jewelry brands ( not that he expected her to be ), yet she still figured out the items his house-elf had mentioned were highly coveted and valuable; it was enough to cast one glance at her glittering diamonds and smooth, glazed texture of her crocodile bag adorned with pure gold hardware to realize their worth equivaled that of a Duke's estate.
"Well, Lucius.", Umbridge said after a short pause. "I advise you to restrain that house-elf as soon as possible if you wish to keep your household in order. Good day."
With the last envious look at the gorgeous pink Birkin hanging off of Coco's blinged-out arm, she turned around and marched off, her own, old-fashioned and poorly stitched lace handbag swaying at her hip as she disappeared around the corner eager to get as far away as possible from Coco's opulence that was completely unattainable to her.
"How utterly rude, repulsive woman.", Coco hissed subconsciously caressing her bag. "How dare she patronize me? She, who wouldn't know style if it slapped her in that ugly face of hers, who wears shoes that belong to a museum and carries a bag with stitches so frayed I 'd spotted them even from afar!"
"Calm down, Coco.", Lucius said placatingly putting a hand on her delicate shoulder. "Come, let 's get an ice cream at Fortescue's, all right?"
She said nothing, but he knew by the expression of her face that she was already imagining herself enjoying her favourite lavender ice cream with caramel topping, so he gently steered her towards Fortescue's parlor, glad that the altercation with Umbridge hadn't escalated to a full-blown scandal.
"Coco, dear.", he said as they walked seeing she was still sulking. "Technically, you have twenty of those bags, and that isn't a small feat, no?"
"Oh, oui.", she replied with an enthusiastic nod of her head. "But the truth is that my new ostrich Birkin is taking an awfully long time to arrive..." she complained letting out a long, suffering sigh worthy of Shakespeare's tragic heroines. "If I place an order for another Kelly now, it surely won't arrive before Christmas, and both Muggle and Owl Post will be in chaos during the holidays, so it means I 'd have to wait for it till after the New Year..."
Coco rambled on all the way to the ice cream parlor, but Lucius tuned her out as he always did when she started one of her neverending monologues about new bags and clothes, already used to her theatrics and shopping habits after two years of living with her.